Thursday, September 9, 2010

This is Why Cell Phones Should Have Breathalyzers...

Holy hell batman! Last night we tore it up. From downing glass after glass of half price wine to a whole lot of drunken texting and dialing, we were on fire last night.

The night started out innocently enough as a girls' night out on half price wine Wednesday. The weather was awesome so we were sitting out on the patio at one of our favorite after work places. Our work friend who is determined to play matchmaker for us first called up a hot guy she’d been trying to set up with Miranda and handed the phone to Miranda while it was ringing. After a middle school giggle fit, Miranda took the phone and left a random (and highly sexual) voicemail - she ended the message by saying, "By the way this is Gwyn." Luckily, we found out today that the guy couldn't make out the girl's name (one of the few times having such a weird first name worked to Gwyn's benefit) in the message so that means the whole phone call never really happened, right??? At least that's what we're telling ourselves.

Then the same work friend called up Motocross, the country boy from a couple months ago who she tried to set up with Gwyn (but his dog died on the day of their doomed date). Again, the phone came to Miranda and she did her best impersonation of Gwyn and talked some funny shit to this guy. Eventually Gwyn took the phone and let him in on the gig. She chatted with him about his most recent decision to tailgate at a football game rather than come hang with her at a pool party on Saturday, being held at the work friend's house. What was said exactly, remains a mystery. But there's one quote that, as soon as it came out of Gwyn's mouth, let everyone know that that fourth glass of wine on an empty stomach probably wasn't the best idea. As she was trying to convince him to come to the pool party she said coyly, "Sometimes my boob slips out of my bikini top and I don't even realize it." Yeah, it was that kind of night folks. Another one of Gwyn's gems, "Tell him I'm not crazy. I don't even go to church." Eventually the conversation ended, likely because Gwyn's ADD kicked in and her tolerance for communicating with others reached its limit. Poor Motocross then got one final kick in the balls when our work friend called him back and chewed him out for 15 minutes about his 'issues'. All of this happened before 8pm, we haven't even gotten started yet!

Miranda’s Drunken Texting
About this time, I had the genius idea to text High School Crush and ask him to come to have a drink in hopes of passing him on to Gwyn (I think they’d really get along well). After much cajoling and promising that he’d leave there having kissed at least one of us, he had to pass because he said he didn’t have enough time to prepare himself to meet us. Ha! I think he was scared.

Next up the texting frenzy really started. Twin was dirty texting me like a drunken country boy. A few weeks ago he told me how much he didn’t like dirty texting but he sure seemed to like it last night. At one point this text came in that caused us to die laughing, “I will fit your head in my hands and kiss your f’n mouth like crazy.” HAHAHAHA! Methinks he needs to work on his seduction language. Now you can understand why Gwyn and I's nickname for Twin is 'Grandpa Twin'.

Along the way I also started texting Hot Chocolate primarily because I wanted pictures to show him off. He sent some pics and he’s smoking hot! He also sent a sext to me that included partial lyrics from an R&B song but I didn't realize it until I showed the text to Gwyn. Being the equal opportunity dater that she is, she picked up on the lyrics right away and helped me to impress (and seduce) Hot Chocolate with my knowledge of the African American music scene lol lol!

I also texted with Flyboy and told him if he didn't have sex with me soon I would spontaneously combust. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for tonight but he's been flying nights lately so I'm not getting my hopes up too high.

And, to top it all off, at one point before it was even dark I pulled out my dating schedule for the weekend (scribbled on a piece of notebook paper) and made a couple of adjustments. I put it right up on the table for all to see, hopefully they thought it was just a grocery list or something!

Gwyn’s Drunken Texting
As Miranda was busy texting away, I was busy texting The Barber what started out as flirty texts and ended up as me giving him serious grief about not responding (aka I vented my frustrations about his general lack of attention recently by pretending I was only mad about last night's lack of response). I think my last text said something about 'wasting my time' but that too will remain a mystery, thanks to my habit of erasing all drunk texts from the night before first thing when I wake up. Even if I wake up on my bathroom floor with one arm out of my shirt, yes that's how my night ended last night. I'm not proud. I'm pretty sure I even texted Undercover to suggest the idea of a little swap-a-roo, focus pills for herbal remedies. Next time I have to make sure to erase his number from my call logs too and not just my contact list because that's a brand of crazy that I don't want to learn anymore about!

Enter Potentially Nerdy Date Boy – AKA Tiny Baby Head
By this point it was about 9pm and the potentially nerdy Pof boy was challenged to come to where we were because Miranda was having way too much fun to leave (she had scheduled a dessert date with him to take place after wine night).  We don't know if he was prepared for what he was about to be a part of but he was game and came to hang out.  Now he’s cute, definitely an attractive guy, but he’s shorter than promised. Agh! No more guys under 6’ for Miranda! And he has what looks to be a really nice body but he has a Tiny Baby Head! Think of the movie Beetlejuice and when they ghosts are in the waiting room, there’s the guy with a shrunken voodoo head. Yep, that’s him folks.

Miranda put up a valiant flirting effort but it probably seemed to Tiny Baby Head that Gwyn and Miranda were the ones on the date! He definitely rolled with the punches though because Miranda and Gwyn were in full force. Gwyn even uttered the much-hated word “pussy” to which Miranda felt compelled to restate her point and put even more emphasis on the word. Yep we’re classy bitches. But that came after Gwyn mistook Baby Head's half empty wine glass as her own and poured the wine from her actual glass into his as he just stared at her in disbelief. He did gently correct her just as she was about to take a sip out of the glass. Hey what's wrong with a red blend?

But Tiny Baby Head was fun to hang out with and didn’t seem too overwhelmed by all the drunken craziness. Eventually everyone, including Gwyn, left Miranda and Tiny Baby Head who chatted for a while longer and then ended the night with a long hug. Which was fine because it's possible Miranda could have fit his whole head in her mouth if a kiss had been attempted.

What Happened to Miranda After Wine Night
Now before the “date” had ended freaking FJB finally texted me and then called me. I took the call and just said I’d call him when I was on the way home. So on the way home, I called him but unfortunately, I have absolutely no recollection of what we talked about other than a mention of us getting together this weekend. I emailed him today asking what had been said and the response was, “I’m just going to pretend we never talked.” Asshole! Lord only knows what I said to him.

By the time I got home, I had also briefly talked to Twin on the phone in hopes of ending his dirty texting and then I drunkenly managed to make French fries, do laundry, and make a pitcher of crystal light. I started texting with College Crush and he’s always complaining that we never see each other so I challenged him to come see me right then. He demurred and I told him he was a disappointment. LOL Actually I said something to the effect of, “Men are only wrong in two ways. Everything they say and everything they do.” He whined about that and didn’t like my response at all. I promptly ignored all the rest of his texts and I think pissed him off. HA! I have yet to hear from him today.

At some point after that, I fell asleep/passed out on the couch and woke up an hour or so later still holding my half-eaten plate of French fries. I think I might have fallen asleep with one in my mouth even. Oh well, least I didn’t spill them on the couch. I eventually made it to my bed with thoughts of how many apologies I needed to issue in the morning.

What Happened to Gwyn After Wine Night
I am very ashamed to admit this but I have little to no recollection of driving home last night. I know it was about 10:15 and that I took one of two possible routes home, which route I took I have no idea. I literally stared at the ceiling for five minutes this morning trying to force myself to remember and I still couldn't. On top of that, I somehow managed to stop at a gas station by my house a buy a box of blunts. No memory of that either outside of seeing the box this morning and realizing that unless it teleported from a land far away then I must have bought it last night.

I remember getting home, not sure about the whole putting on pajamas part. I ended up in my roommate's bed smoking a blunt at about 10:45pm and I'm not clear of any details but I do know she kept yelling at me to shut up. I talked to Miranda on the phone, about what who knows, but that too ended when my roommate yelled at me to get off the phone and shut up. I think I sent a few more drunk texts to Motocross and Romeo and then things went downhill. I remember feeling sick to my stomach and going into my roommate's bathroom. I remember forcing myself not to throw up (I hate throwing up worse than anything) and talking to my cat as I laid on the floor in front of the toilet. I woke up at 6:15am in that same spot curled up in the fetal position with one arm out of my shirt. When I opened my eyes my cat was laying on the bathmat in front of the sink staring at me, judging me. I'm sorry Lily, your mommy was a bad girl last night.

Miranda & Gwyn


  1. Haha, did either of you make it to work today?

  2. We both did! We are hardcore!


  3. I'm impressed and I'm an alcoholic! ;)

  4. I am shocked that nobody god fucked....WTF....hot chicks who were asking for sex and nobody stepped up. Men...we need to do better, rally the troops and next time these women are three sheets to the wind, we need to be IN them like Ron Burgundy!

    BTW...what is up with the word "pussy"? That is one of my favorite words ever, as a matter of fact...it is my favorite place PERIOD...well maybe not period...you know what I mean.

  5. Oh, one more thing...I have been on the toilet room floor just like that...and had French fries half eaten...I was laughing my ass off!

  6. Kenny - It is kind of amazing that after all that Gwyn and I ended up spending the night alone. If you can kick some of our boys in the ass we'd sure appreciate it!