Thursday, May 31, 2012

Witchy Woman

The Christian is intense; I don’t think that’s a surprise based on my last post about him. He also has amazing physical restraint. I mean Tuesday night was another passionate night of talking, laughing, and a whole lot of physical affection. Our words were tripping over each other almost as much as we kissed. We even wound up naked in his bed and yet we didn’t have sex. Believe me I wanted to, but he wasn’t about to bend. After we seemed to get this long burst of physical connection tamped down we went back down stairs and lay on his loveseat for the next two hours listening to of all things – Willie Nelson (haha Jules made me think of my first trip to Hawaii when I pushed play in Russell’s car and Willie Nelson started singing) – and mostly just enjoying the silence and physical presence of each other.

It was a really interesting night. Different from Monday in that Monday it was more of a flavor of The Christian “owning” me from a physical sense and Tuesday felt more like him “owning” me from an intimacy sense. It’s hard to describe. I can’t quite put my finger on the words I’m searching for.

On my way home that night I looked in the rearview mirror and laughed at myself. My hair was totally sexed up, my eye makeup was blurry, and I had a very satiated look on my face. In addition I was in a very thin silky dress and in a rare moment of cest’la vie I had not worn a bra that night. The ride home was uneventful other than a few deer spottings until I got about a quarter of a mile from my home and what did I encounter in my mussed, heady state – a freaking license check. I haven’t felt that much like a teenager since I was well, a teenager. With much chagrin I gave the officer my license, registration, and I’m pretty sure a peep show when I bent to retrieve those very items.

The Christian and I aren’t seeing each other again until Friday night so yesterday was just emails and texts – some very very hot possessive texts I may add. And then out of the blue he sent me a poem. Like a really good one too. Except for the whitest black guy on Earth whom I dated my sophomore year in college I’ve never had anyone write me a poem. It was pretty cool.

Last night we talked and talked and talked yet again. I’m a journalist by nature and I find it fascinating to listen to people talk and ask them questions about their lives, choices, and experiences. In some ways The Christian and I have very similar backgrounds but in others they are diabolically different.

One of the best tidbits I have not shared about him yet is about his ex-wife. They met in college and quickly followed the route that Duckie and I did with getting married. As we were talking about our divorces it went something like this…

C – Well I’ve been officially divorced for almost two years now. We were married for about five years and we get along fairly well now. We stay out of each other’s lives for the most part but we parent well together.

M – Oh that’s great. That sounds a lot like me and my ex. We were really different people but we always parented well together and still do to this day.

C – Yeah we were pretty different alright (chuckling).

M – Sounds like a story there.

C – Well here’s the thing. My ex is a witch.

M – Ha ha! I hear ya.

C – No really. She’s a witch.

M – I thought you said yall got along.

C – We do. She’s a witch. Think hat, broomstick, the whole shebang.

M – (internal dialogue – HOLY SHIT do I find guys with the best stories ever!)

Yeah his ex is a witch, as in a Wiccian. I know some people who practice Wicca don’t call themselves a “witch” but she does according to him. Apparently she was dabbling in it when they met and she “converted” so to speak to Christianity and then about three years into their marriage she went back to it. He, being a fairly devout Christian, was not ok with it but said as long as she didn’t do it around the kids they’d work through it. About a year later she told him she wanted him to accept her beliefs and accept the fact she was a witch and he said he couldn’t do it based on his belief in the Bible.

Then he busted her (via Facebook) cheating on him with of all things a Buddhist. He said he tried to hang in there for a while but one day she told him if he couldn’t accept her as a witch she was going to leave him and then she did.

Is that not a hell of a story or what? The story of The Christian and the Witch sounds like it should be some parable or fable. At any rate, it’s made for some damn good conversations.


Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Amazing Grace

When I first got his message it intrigued me. Just the right amount of confidence mixed with self deprecating humor and it was obvious he’d actually read my profile and took a moment to think of more interesting things than saying “you’re hot” or “hey beautiful.” I looked at his profile before responding and it was just as intriguing as that first message he sent. He’s smart, funny, college educated, has two kids, divorced about the same length of time as me, 6’ tall, brown hair (though it’s shaved right now) and brown eyes. The only thing that made me pause was him stating that religion was a big factor in his life.

It’s not that I’m not religious, I certainly have a strong faith in God and I’ve been in and out of church over the years. But it’s not something I define myself by. I have lots of questions and very few answers so I hoped that it wouldn’t be a big clash between us. I replied and it set off a flurry of emails back and forth over the last two weeks. Smart, funny, intriguing emails that made me listen anxiously to hear the tell-tell ping of a notification that I had a new email on my phone.

Emails turned to texting and marathon phone calls. Like multiple three hour phone calls. Our conversations were flirty, serious, and everywhere in between. We have talked in depth about religion, our kids, our divorces, sex, what we want out of life… You name it and we’ve touched on it at this point. His points of view are passionate, his beliefs strong. Even though we differ on some major topics he listens and asks amazing questions that make me think and find new ways of explaining how I feel. Talking to him challenges me and excites me in a way I haven’t found in many other men.

Saturday night we went out on our first date. We met for dinner at my favorite Thai restaurant then went for a ride on his motorcycle out to a lake. The intimacy of my arms wrapped around him as the wind blew past was intense. We finished the night with an evening stroll through a beautiful local park where we sat under the stars in a gazebo and talked for two hours about everything and anything.

In that gazebo he kissed me for the first time. He pulled me close and stared into my eyes. As he lowered his head to mine, his hands threaded through my hair and pulled my face up to meet his for a powerful kiss. We strolled back through the park, holding hands, stopping to kiss every so often. We said good night and as I pulled into home he called me to make sure I was home safe.

This set off yet another three hour conversation and us making plans to see each other again next weekend as soon as our kid schedules line back up. Yesterday he said he didn’t want to wait. He asked if I’d mind driving the 40 minutes to his house and we could watch a movie after his kids were in bed.

As I drove there I was filled with a new level of anticipation. I’ve been excited about people before but I’ve learned to be cautious until you have spent some real time talking to them. But he seems to just be getting better and better. I pulled up and he was waiting on his doorstep with a glass of wine for each of us. We tried to watch a movie but we kept talking and laughing.

We walked outside to enjoy the night and ended up laying a blanket on the ground and laying under the stars for the next three hours. We talked and laughed and kissed. He’s aggressive in his touch yet restrained. As we lay there kissing until I swear I was breathless. I felt like he was devouring me. If ever someone was attempting to “own” me this was it. Things got heated but he never went beyond what it should have been. His restraint is admirable and he’s a far stronger person that I am. At more than one point I’d have given in to his every wish and command.

Today I’m covered in tender spots from his bites and hands on my face, neck, and shoulders. I keep finding myself pressing on them and thinking of how they got there. It’s like everything has gone into a soft focus and some big swell of music should be playing in the background lol. I know this post sounds like a romance novel but I can’t help it. It’s like he’s tapped some hedonistic, sensual side of Miranda that’s been below the surface just waiting to come out. Maybe it was there waiting, mired under the muck of Coach and now finally being free of him it’s taking over everything I do, say, and think.

At any rate, I’m seeing him again tonight. There’s no way I could resist his invitation. I’ve got work things to do the rest of the week so after tonight we’ll have to wait for Saturday. And oh the things I can imagine for Saturday.

Ladies and gentleman, please say hello to The Christian.


Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Tied Up

Yes, Jules got tied up today and it was fucking hot!! Owen and I were going to try to get together twice today, but since my lunch and his return trip from the Dr. didn't line up quite like we hoped, it was only once...but it was the most awesome of times!!!

I had mentioned a few days ago that I'd bought restraints and wondered what his thoughts were on tying me up. He said he thought it would be H-O-T and it was! He came in and I was playing with my favorite big pink vibe. He took over that for few and reached over and started playing with the ropes. I started stroking his cock and he pulled one of my wrists up and put one of the ropes over it. Then he did the same to the other side and looped it around his very hard cock. He continued to fuck me with the toy and let me stroke him. When he was ready to enter me, he pulled the vibe out and put it to my lips for me to lick. I obeyed and then he put it back in me along with his cock and proceeded to gently fuck me and kiss me while my wrists were restrained behind my head. I was in heaven, but ya'll know it got even better!

We did this double vaginal thing for a while, which feels amazing!!! He pulled out and had me lick him clean a few times and was totally into my wrists being restrained and jerking me around a little. He got a little too into fucking my mouth at one point and made me gag hard core because he rammed his cock way down my throat. He's so not naturally aggressive. He apologized like 1000 times, bless his heart. I was totally fine minus the eye watering...haha.

He entered me again and fucked me into a few more orgasms and then got into position for some 69. He licked and fucked me with my vibe while I sucked his huge cock and stimulated his ass. I didn't enter it b/c it's still virgin territory, but I was working him up to the idea. He flipped around and told me it was time for me to get my ass fucked. Yes, sir!! He pulled my legs up around his shoulders and started fucking my kitty again. As he was doing so, he reached over and grabbed the leg restraints and tied me up by the ankles and somehow looped it into the wrist ones.

Owen rolled me over on my side and lay with his chest to my back and had me work his cock into my ass. He loves when I take it in at a speed that I want. As I was doing this, he was still playing with my vibe and giving it to me hard. It made me want to take his cock in faster and we were going at it hard. I loved it because I could watch him watching me and there's something hot about that. He knows how I love it best though so after a while, he pulled out and told me to roll over on my stomach. I complied and he pushed my legs together and went back into my ass. Then he did this thing that I swear is one of the hottest sex moves he's ever done...when I describe it, it sounds less than amazing but trust me...it was epic and I'm not a foot girl.

As I'm lying on my stomach taking him into my ass, he reaches around and pulls my restrained feet up and holds my feet in his hands as the rope was taunt against his ass and literally pounded my ass. It was OMG good. Sounds so simple, but produced some awesome results! He let my legs go and then laid down on me and finished with a long, hard, serious ass pounding. I was soaked in cum!! I could have kept going forever, but it was time to get Chloe and I knew he probably had to run too. I cannot wait to do that again! We did a super fast version of our make out shower session and then I ran out the door.

On the way back home, I stopped to pick up one of Chloe's friends. I'm pretty sure I now owe her mom therapy money. She pipes up from the back seat and says "I saw a van at your house". Chloe said "Yeah they were probably doing work b/c Mom broke the kitchen faucet". Kid replies "I don't know but I heard them making a lot of funny noises". I got out of the car and turned about 50 shades of red and the kid walked by looking real funny at me....lol, omg!

In other news around the island/world, I'm missing Gwyn as a roommate, but I'm happy she's in her own place. I know she couldn't live here forever but it was nice while it lasted. Chloe misses her like crazy! We are both about to die for Miranda to hurry up and get here in 39 days and I can't wait to go home and see Miranda and Josie and Dave in 2 weeks! (A special get well shout out to Josie....we are glad you are now on the mend and I love you more than wine.) Gavin called me last night. We had a nice convo where he told me how much he misses me. Dude, thanks for fucking with my head from 2500 miles away. I miss him too but much like the Miranda-Coach situation, I know it is toxic and will never come to be anything more than what it was. I think more than anything I miss him as my friend. I still hear certain things outside and think for a brief moment that it's him. Uggg, I hate that.

Monday, May 21, 2012


After much soul searching and intense emotional overload, it’s come to this decision…. wait for it…. I’m excommunicating Coach from my life. Despite feeling like I still have love for him, he’s not who I need in my life. He’s not who I want in my life. And he damn sure isn’t who I deserve to have in my life.

My problem, which my counselor pointed out many a times, is that I keep feeling like if he really loved me, he’d change. But that’s not how people work. Yes we can change to a certain extent and if you want to make changes you certainly can. But he’s not ready to change, he doesn’t realize the extent to which he needs to change, and frankly at this point I don’t think he’s capable of changing. And if he really loved me, he’d have left me alone when we broke up and not dragged me down for the last 10 months as I battled my addiction to him.

So despite this speed bump in the last week of letting him back into my life, I’m cutting it off. I’m excommunicating him. I’m shunning him. I’m not going to have any further contact with him and I’m damn sure going to do my best to not even be in the same room as him ever again. He’s toxic for me. I already felt it this past week and I’ve worked too damn hard to get over those issues to have them come raging back.


Saturday, May 19, 2012


Yesterday I met the teacher, who I am very creatively calling "Teach", for coffee. He was finishing up his last day at school because he's taking the kids to DC (50 of them!) so he was running a little late and texted me to ask if we could meet up a little later. I'm glad he does actually text too, though I'm still a big fan of the phone calls from him. Anyway, I said yes but I had to leave at a certain time to get to Chloe's soccer game and that it would have to be a speed date.

He was there when I got there (big plus) and bought us coffee and we sat in the garden area and talked non stop. He's really funny and very cute. He's not a drop dead hottie, but I'm definitely attracted to him. He's also not a bad boy and while that is totally my type, it's a good thing that he's not. He has a Masters degree in Education and seems to really love what he does. He doesn't have kids of his own and I didn't get yet whether or not he's been married. He lives in an amazing place near me and wait for it...he's a big sheller too. He told me about all kinds of cool shells that he's found right out in the bay in front of his house.

At the end, he hugged me and told me that he leaves Sunday and will be on the mainland until June 16th with the field trip and a long family visit, but that he would like to call me when he gets back and was very glad that we had a chance to meet before he left. That actually works out very well because when he comes back I will have just returned from dropping Chloe off on the mainland as well and will have lots of free time. I'm cautiously excited about him.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Keeping Secrets

Two weeks without a post. Did you think I’d fallen off the Earth? That’s definitely a new record for Miranda. Not a whole lot has been going on. Mr. Big was out of town and he texted a few times but not enough to keep this ADD girl interested. He’s back this week but we haven’t seen each other yet. Other than that the only thing I’ve been doing is keeping secrets and I don’t want to so here I am laying it out via a post only because I’m too chicken to text it all to Jules and Gwyn.

Honestly after my whole “I’m still in love with Coach” so called revelation I’ve been obsessively poking and prodding my feelings trying to figure out what they are. My feelings are complex and twisted and honestly I’ve felt like every fiber of my being was screaming out to encourage me to have a face to face interaction with Coach to see what I’d feel when he was standing in front of me. So I did something that very well may earn me an ass whopping when Jules comes to NC in a couple week.

I messaged Coach and said I thought we should talk. We exchanged a couple Facebook messages and agreed to grab dinner Monday night. I didn’t want to go “public” since my small town is a cesspool of gossip so I suggested he bring dinner to my house. He did. We talked for a couple hours and it was actually nice. Nice because I no longer felt like stabbing him repeatedly or breaking a beer bottle over his head. Nice because he’s an easy, fun person to be around. It felt like old friends. We chit chatted a good bit and he told me about his decision to leave his job in DC and come back here and try to re-establish himself. We filled each other in our families and friends. I felt like I was just listening to him and not constantly evaluating whether or not he was telling the truth because in this conversation it didn’t really matter since we’re not “together.”

I told him about being angry. How since we broke up all I made myself hold on to the anger and that compounded with my other anger about my dad and about my life not being what I imagined had about broken me. How combining all that anger with the grief scared me and made me ground myself and spend 60 some days letting out every emotion I had. It was cathartic. I cried telling him all this and he awkwardly patted me on the knee because he was trying to not cross any boundaries.

After my sob fest we talked a little more. When I walked him to the door he hugged me. And in that instant with his arms around me all felt right with the world. I forgot how that felt with him. I felt a huge lump whel up in my throat and my eyes filled with tears. We stood there for a few minutes and gave me a quick kiss and he left. (Ok girls commence screaming at me.)

I cried after he left because all the good stuff I’d squashed down felt like it was drowning me. I called my boss and talked to her about it and then feel into an exhausted sleep that night. We’ve exchanged some text messages since then and Wednesday night my friend D called me and wanted me to meet her out for a drink. Incidentally she’s been cheating on her boyfriend. Maybe I should get her to write some guest posts haha.

I told her I’d come for just a little while. As I was on the way she called me back to say that Coach was there but she’d already talked to him and told him to leave me alone. HA! We acted sociable and talked off and on a little. Coach was drinking but he was keeping himself in check for the most part. Me, I wasn’t about to tempt angry Miranda so I limited myself to three beers. At the end of the night D wanted to go home with some guy so I gave Coach a ride home. Nothing happened other than him telling me how much he missed me and that he was trying hard to get his life back on the right track. He did kiss me before he got out of the car and it made me cry again because nothing in my life has ever felt like that with anyone else.

So there, my secrets are out. I’m sure Gwyn is pulling her hair out and Jules is gnashing her teeth. I’m sorry girls if I’ve failed you or let you down by having interaction with him. I had the imaginary arguments with both of you in my head for the last two weeks about my choices. It’s just what I felt like I needed to do so see what it did to my feelings. And it hasn’t changed them in either direction. I know he’s not where I’d need him to be to ever consider getting back with him. But I also know that what I feel for him feels very very real and damn as hard as I’ve tried to pull it out of me I can’t seem to budge it.

And all week I’ve been sick thinking about telling yall because I know you love me and that you both would be adamantly against him having any presence whatsoever in my life. But as wrong and stupid and as fucked up as it is, I still love him. And the only thing I know to do is wade into my feelings and try to process them as best as I can. Because clearly holding them in and not dealing with them hasn’t done me any good in the last 10 months. Please be gentle with me girls. I'm doing the best I can.


PS It's Ladybug's sixth birthday today.  Hope she wanted a mom who's an emotional mess for her special day this year!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Coffee Talk with Jules

Jules has some potential summer fun lined up...with an adult...that has a job. I am so not getting excited yet, but I've been emailing with this guy I met online (not on POF or CL) and he is a teacher and he's 39. He used to be some corporate schmuck, but gave it up b/c he hates corporate America and decided to give back to the world and teach.  Instant score b/c while I want to date an employed man, I despise the corporate world. I'm almost drooling as I type this because I love men that are in "helping" professions. Anyway, we have not done the 50 million emails back and forth (which I've grown to hate). He asked me out pretty quickly, which I'm into only because I've talked endlessly with a few guys that never panned out to be anything b/c I got bored talking to some random stranger I'd never met before. I'd rather meet someone quickly to see if continued interaction is warranted.

He asked for my phone number and I gave it to him last week and told him I was going to Kauai this past weekend, but that he could call me this week and that I would like to go out with him. He called me today and asked me out for Thursday or Friday, depending on my work schedule and kid pick up. I would like to point out that he actually called me, he did not text me. I love to text as much as a teenage girl, but some things like a first date request are sooooooo much better when they actually occur old school style. It shows you have some manners and class and perhaps you are from a good upbringing.

I'm also impressed that he asked me to coffee and not out to drink. I love to drink. I mean it is literally one of my favorite activities, but it's a bad first date for me b/c after a few I'm good to go and chances are excellent I'll sleep with you and then we all know how that ends. I do much better if the 1st date is not a alcoholic drinking event. Other noteworthy things are that he lives on this side of the island and has been here for a few years and loves it! I'll keep you guys posted.

In an interesting turn of events, I think I am actually going to be home alone most of the summer! Gwyn moves out tomorrow (boo, but good for her getting her own space), Chloe will be in NC with my family, and Russell told me last weekend that he will be house sitting his current bf's apt this summer while he's off island for a huge chunk of time. This would normally be a total fuckfest with Owen, but he also informed me last week that he's going to be gone all summer too. So, it's time for some fresh meat...this could be a summer of change...who knows?

In the meantime, I'll give you a topic and you can talk amongst yourselves. The Holy Roman Empire was neither holy nor Roman nor an empire...discuss.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

"A" Game

Owen brought it today. I mean he BROUGHT it. I don't know what's going on with him. Every day since I told him that eventually I am going to want more out of life than just being his mistress, he has texted with me. I mean like normal texting regular life convo kind of stuff, not just our usual sexting. This is unusual behavior, but I'm just assuming that it's his attempt to keep me engaged with him and maintain the gravy train he's got going. I think he thinks if he steps it up a notch that I'll be satisfied. The good part of that convo the other day seems to be his need to please me went from 1000% to about 10,000%.

We arranged a long meeting this afternoon. Since I've been in school, I don't have a lot of free time when he does. It's been a lot of quickies and meetings when we can and us being late for something just to see each other, but today we arranged a time where neither one of us was in hurry to be anywhere and we spent the entire hour plus engaged in some of the best sex yet. I swear just when I think he can't get any better, he rocks my world.

I'm not going to go into all of the details b/c you guys quit responding when I did, but he made me cum so hard and so much that I literally gushed cum all over him and I had to wash not only my sheets, but my mattress pad. It was amazing sex and afterward I was in that stupor after glow state that comes from really great sex with him. I've never done heroin, but I can only imagine it's kind of like that high. It's euphoric, but I also feel dazed and unable to move. I was standing in the shower making out with him afterwards and I actually needed to lean against the shower wall to hold myself up. I'm pretty sure that's your sign that you just had freaking awesome sex and we are set for round 2 in the morning!!!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

TMI Tuesday - M is for...

M is for masturbation

1. How often do you masturbate?
A couple times a week...depends on my mood. ;) - Jules
First let me say that graphic is very disturbing lol.  A couple times a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. - Miranda
I don't want to talk about this!! I'm a lady!! -Gwyn
2. What are you doing to celebrate Masturbation month?
Buy a sex toy?? Lol, I don't know...keep the party going? - Jules
Um take matters into my own had since I'm sans sex partner?  Definitely not use the rabbit vibrator I bought a while back. Talk about a major disappointment!  - Miranda
I refuse to believe that there even is such a thing. -Gwyn
3. Do you like to watch your partner masturbate?
a. Yes, it turns me on.
b. Sometimes, because it gets my partner very aroused.
c. Not really, it’s boring.
d. No, it’s a turn off.
e. I’ve never experienced it but I’d like to.

A. Yes, it turns me on but I'd rather be fucking him so we move off of it quickly. - Jules
A - In the right moment it's kind of hot.  It's not something I want to do all the time though lol. I'd much rather get in on the action myself. - Miranda
What about 'F' - Sometimes it turns me on. Sometimes it makes me giggle. -Gwyn
4. Do you let your partner watch you masturbate?
a. Yes, it turns me on to be watched.
b. Sometimes, because it gets my partner very aroused.
c. No, it’s embarrassing.
d. I’ve never experienced it but I’d like to.

A and B - Owen LOVES walking into me masturbating. Gavin really liked it the once or twice I did it for him too. - Jules
B - I did a couple times with Sawyer and Coach.  I don't really like to feel "on display" though so it was mostly for show for them rather than for actually getting off. - Miranda
B - I did a couple times over the webcam with McDreamy but I've never done it in person. I don't think this is a good tmi week for those of us who don't even own a sex toy lol. -Gwyn
5. Mutual masturbation? Yay or Nay?
Nay - again, I'd much rather be fucking! I can masturbate alone. It's our version of foreplay. - Jules
Ditto what Jules said. Why are you both gonna rub one out when you could be rubbing it all together? - Miranda
People are so weird. No! -Gwyn
6. If you had an all-expense-paid trip to San Francisco to attend Masturbate-a-thon 2012would you go and masturbate? Why or Why not?
The Center for Sex & Culture
Sunday, May 27, 10am-midnight - Arrive by 9pm
$40 minimum self-sponsorship; or bring sponsorship form with pledges

All genders, all orientations welcome to explore self-pleasure in a supportive group environment. Check the next newsletter for more detail about this year’s Thon, and join us to Come for a Cause!
All donations and pledges support CSC’s operations and programs.
No, no I will NOT be attending this even if it were free....ewwwwww!!!!! - Jules
No way! I can only imagine that to be a very wet and sticky place!  - Miranda
I am officially traumatized. What happened to these people as children to make them want to pay to go and masturbate with a bunch of strangers? -Gwyn
Bonus: Are you addicted to masturbating?
I probably would be if I weren't getting laid as often. - Jules
I certainly wouldn't call it addicted.  It is a part of my sexual repertoire and I used to do it a lot more when I was married and not having sex.  - Miranda
No. -Gwyn
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!

Awkward Family Moment

Yesterday I went hiking with Chloe and my ex work husband. As we were headed back, we stopped to look at some baby birds and as I'm taking pictures of them I hear my ex work husband talking to some people on bikes telling them to look at them. Then I hear a voice I recognize and turn around...only to come face to face with Owen and his daughter. I turned around quickly and resumed bird watching and as he rode down the path, he turned back and grinned at me. They rode on and I thought they had come from the opposite direction, but no.

As we came through a gated area, there they were again and as I doubled around to get back on the trail I said something b/c he was just staring at me and damn if he didn't start up a convo. Really??? Hello, awkward moment. Chloe and ex work husband were ahead of me, so I stood there talking to them for a few minutes. When he pointed out my earrings that I'd made to his daughter, I decided that was my cue to exit the area. I could not stand there another second having a convo with this girl. I mean she is gorgeous and sweet, but I was feeling guiltier than a whore in church knowing that her daddy does the things to me that he does. I walked off and I figured they would turn around because we were discussing how hard it is to ride a bike down this one area (not that Jules would know personally b/c I can't ride a bike...). By this time, ex work husband has helped Chloe down this slippery rocky part and has come back to get me.

As he's helping me down the path, I hear him shout back and ask Owen if they needed help carrying his daughter's bike down. (I'm dying at this point...I've decided now that it's just funny and Owen's cracking up and shooting me smiles every time he can b/c I later found out he thought ex work husband was Russell.) We all make it down the hill and stand there for a few more minutes chatting and they ride off down the side we're hiking. At the end, we pass them yet again and stop to talk about the beach they stopped before turning back and to tell them about a seal we saw along the way. I  really had no intention of Owen and I ever meeting each other's kids...ever.


Monday, May 7, 2012

Rolling in the Deep

I’m having a weird few days. Maybe it’s been the full super moon or maybe the universe is just fucking with me. Either way it’s getting on my nerves. After my fun dates with Mr. Big last week the weekend was relatively quiet. I went out with the girls Friday night and had a very fun time. Saturday/Sunday Kansas was around a lot doing work on my house.

I hear Jules and Gwyn groaning but seriously nothing has happened with him in forever. Between he, me, and my boss we’ve developed this weird threesome friendship of sorts. I think Kansas has a hero complex and he sees her and me as poor defenseless moms who don’t know how to do stuff around the house, which it totally not true. So he gets his manly complex fed by coming over to do things like install screen doors, patch nail holes, move heavy furniture. We’ve decided he’s our community service project. By hanging out with us he gets to work on his weirdo emotional issues, learn how to be a normal human being, and in exchange we get manpower and a guy to do the things we really don’t care to do.

Seriously there’s not subtext here. He hasn’t even attempted to make a move after I firmly shut him down that last time and said no more. I still don’t believe that guys and girls can really be just friends but this weird threesome works in some odd way.

So anyways he was around doing a bunch of stuff that only he cared about doing, I was quite perfectly happy to live with nail pops but whatever. So Kansas is doing the manly stuff and I cleaned my house and messed around on the computer when I stumbled upon some pictures of Coach on a mutual friend’s page. And fuckwittage took hold in my brain. It's like all the outrageous physical attraction combined with the intense emotions caught fire. 

Honestly the last couple weeks he’s been on my mind more than I have cared for. Just word of mouth hearing about him made him invade my consciousness but thankfully our paths haven’t crossed and there’s been no communication. But seeing those pictures made me feel like a flood gate crashed down and I was drowning. Somewhere inside I still really feel like I love him. And despite how I’ve tried to pull out any positive emotions I have towards him from their very roots apparently they are still firmly rooted.

It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t make me think he’s a healthy person for me. It doesn’t make me miraculously think that one day he’ll learn to tell the truth and be a “normal” person. But it sucks honestly. After so much reflection and time I can firmly see all the bad and all the good. And neither balances or cancels out the other. And I know I’m still processing a lot of emotion and finding my way through this emotional swamp I’ve been mired in but if I can’t be with him, I really don’t think it’s fucking fair to feel like I still love him. And in my darkest times wonder if he was the “one” for me and worry that I’m not going to feel like that about anyone ever again.

Because I haven’t. And I know my emotional muck has prevented me from starting anything good and real with anyone else but I’m kind of like “damn how much longer is this going to go on?” At the end of July we will have been broken up for a year. A whole year I feel like I’ve wasted still being in love with him. A whole year where he should have been getting his shit together instead of spinning his wheels in neutral and maybe even reverse.

When we broke up I firmly believed that one day if he got his shit together, did some time in therapy, and lived up to his potential we’d end up back together. I’ve spent so much time being angry at him and squashing my feelings down and drowning in mixed grief that I don’t know that I could even possibly think that again. But I sure am damn tired of being in love with him.


Friday, May 4, 2012

WTF Was I Thinking??

I had hot lunch time sex with Owen today. It was amazing! Of course as I was walking back into the office, I noticed that I had some cum on my collar bone. He was fucking me and then when he was ready to cum, I sucked him off. Apparently it took me a few seconds too long to get him into my mouth and he came some on my collar bone. Then, I noticed that I had a clump of something sticky in my hair...rofl, classy!

We were supposed to meet up again after I got out of practicum for round 2, but it was thwarted by the damn wife. I expressed some frustration over this and encouraged him to cum by despite her close proximity. We texted and teased each other some and then he told me that he felt excited and guilty all at the same time about this exchange and not coming over again. I took it a step further and told him that I found it a lot easier being his mistress when I still felt like I was married. I told him that I'm at that point where I want more out of a relationship, but that I love being his mistress b/c it's the best sex ever and I'm not ready to quit that yet, so hence my frustration with him when things like this happen (as they often do when you are fucking a man with a wife and kids...).

He hasn't responded. I did add to my text after hitting send and going 'WTF did I just do?' and reiterated that I'm not looking to change anything right now, but that I too was just sharing how I felt.

There has been a lot of discussion this month about closure and how sometimes you have to close one door or chapter in your life in order for other things to happen. Of course this was about grad school, but I think it certainly applies here too. I just can't imagine not having sex with him. It is literally the best ever...I mean ever. I don't call him a Sex God for nothing.

PS He responded and basically said that he knew this would happen at some point and that he wanted to keep having amazing sex with me as long as I wanted it and that he wasn't going anywhere until I told him to beat it. I assured him I wasn't telling him that anytime soon.

PPS Now we are having this exchange about how my evening went with Chloe and about an event we went to tonight...we never do that. I didn't imply that I wanted him to be my bf...is he overcompensating now in hopes he can fulfill what I want?? This is why I should have kept my mouth shut...no good will come from either direction of it. I just want to keep fucking him for now and enjoy that.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Who Ya Gonna Call????

Well 60 days of grounding went a long ways my friends. It was seriously the best decision I’ve made probably since I left Duckie in the first place.

I mentioned that I had started back up my OkCupid account last week to amuse myself while I was sick. I have gotten a lot of messages from a whole lot of unsuitable people on there to say the least (remember the lawyer/magician/paraplegic?). But one guy popped up with an entertaining message and I bit and responded.

Two messages turned into about 15 of the course of a couple days and I was very intrigued by him. When he asked, I complied and gave him my number. We texted just a few times and then he asked if it was ok to call. I told him of course and Sunday night turned into an almost three hour phone conversation. Winner winner chicken dinner!

Egon what's up with the Kid and Play 'fro?
Mr. Big (yes I may be Miranda but I’m actually more of a “Carrie” with a dash of “Miranda” and “Samantha” thrown in in real life) is 44, 6’, from New Jersey/New York area, lived all over the world, speaks fluent French and Portuguese, travels for work at least a week out of every month, divorced for about six years now, is in international finance, extremely cultured, funny with a great dry humor, and he’s got the best manners I’ve seen on a man in years - as in pulls out the chair for a lady manners. And funnily enough I kept thinking his voice sounded familiar and I realized what it was yesterday. Big’s voice sounds just like Egon’s from Ghostbusters. And in a much more attractive way resembles him a bit. Very very funny!

During our marathon conversation on Sunday he asked me out to dinner for Tuesday. We wrapped up our conversation with plans for Tuesday. Monday night he called and we talked again for a couple hours. Tuesday he texted me a couple times during the day and then called in the afternoon to confirm our plans. I had to scramble home from work to get ready (where I burned myself for the first time in my entire life on my curling iron) and then scrambled with a tad of trepidation to the restaurant. I definitely feel like my period of confinement gave me a healthy dose of skepticism about dating.

I walked up to the bar and he turned around and I was happily impressed! He’s way more attractive in person! We chatted at the bar for a bit and then grabbed a seat at a table. He asked what I wanted and when the waiter came he ordered for me. He picked a couple glasses of wine for us to sample. The food was great. The conversation was awesome. It was all going great! After dinner we sat for a while and laughed and talked more and he suggested we go elsewhere for dessert. He walked me to my car and snuck in a quick kiss before we drove separately to the next location.

We ended up at another restaurant where he eats all the time and the staff greeted him like he was a movie star. Every person stopped and spoke to him; he was practically shaking hands and kissing babies like a politician. We talked for about another hour or so and just had a fabulous time. We wrapped up the date around 11 and spent another 20-30 minutes standing in the parking lot talking (with a few kisses thrown in) and he said since he has to leave for Miami for work on Saturday he wanted to make sure we spent more time together before he was gone for a week. Big loves baseball, and luckily I like it as well so he suggested we use his box seats for a game on Thursday. I told him I thought that sounded fun and then he asked if it’d be too forward to take me to dinner again tonight.

I was more than happy to agree so he’s picking me up tonight and we’re just going to grab something in town. I’m excited to have found someone who seems relatively baggage free and who is a grown man who still has a real sense of fun. It’s like the best of both worlds in a way!

I am so glad my first date after my confinement was such a good one. I needed it and I think the universe owed me one since I’ve been so good lately. Hopefully Big keeps living up to his name!


Tuesday, May 1, 2012

TMI Tuesday - Here and Now

The Here & Now

1. Are you wearing any jewelry? What? 
Nothing right now...it's PJ time here in HI. - Jules 
Nope not a piece. -Gwyn 
Nope. I'm in bed at the moment. - Miranda
2. What are you listening to now? 
The sound of Chloe taking a shower and silence. - Jules 
The air conditioner vent in my office blowing freezing cold air right on me! -Gwyn  
The sound of my ceiling fan.  You've caught me in a quiet moment. - Miranda
3. What is the last piece of entertainment media (i.e., cd, download, book, DVD) that you purchased? Do you recommend it? 
I bought the Adele CD last month at Target and I love it. Yes, I still buy CDs. - Jules 
The last book I bought was the final book of The Hunger Games trilogy. I loved the whole series and highly recommend it. -Gwyn  
The last book I bought was also the final book of the Hunger Games trilogy.  They were great! And no Gwyn and I didn't plan that lol. - Miranda
4. What kind of undergarments are you wearing right now? Care to post a photo? 
Mismatched...lol. I have on a white and pink polka dot bra and pink skull panties. - Jules 
Granny panties hahaha. I have on a dress in a clingy fabric and the granny panties help me feel a little more modest! -Gwyn  
Well I just got in bed so I have on some aqua boy shorts and a black/grey striped tank top. Not the sexiest thing in the world but it's comfy. - Miranda
5. What is your current mood?
Tired! I've been kinda sick all weekend and I'm just wiped out. I'm also frustrated and full of PMS hormones. - Jules 
Sad because my mom left to go back to the mainland last night. Happy because I didn't have to drive on the H1 to get to work this morning! -Gwyn  
Happy/Excited/Hopeful/Thankful - all because I had a great date with a guy tonight on my first night of un-grounding.  More details to come! - Miranda
6. What is the best looking thing about you today? 
My eyes - Jules 
Hmmm the giant bruise on my shin from shelling and soccer? The 3 purple toenails from wearing a new pair of soccer cleats that were too big? My granny panties? There are so many options ;) -Gwyn 
Probably my hair. It's gotten really long and today it looked exceptionally well.  - Miranda
7. Fill in the blank. Tonight I’m looking forward to _____________ . 
Sleeping in my own bed again! - Jules 
Getting back on track with my workout routine and hopefully watching a sunset with Jules! -Gwyn 
Well since it's almost midnight I'm looking forward to sleeping and talking to Gwyn in a few minutes to fill her in on the new guy! - Miranda
Bonus: Tell me something good…anything you want to share. Just do it. 
I don't have a lot to share on here right now, except I'm graduating soon with my Master's degree!!! - Jules
Um Jules that's a big thing to share! We're so proud of you! I'm getting my own apartment on May 15th so that's my big news for the month. Oh and also I'm getting my kitty cats back sometime in late June or early July! -Gwyn 
That is big news Jules! And exciting news Gwyn!  For me, I would just like to say that 60 days of grounding was the best decision I've made since I left Duckie.  What a fresh new perspective I have now! - Miranda
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!