Monday, November 26, 2012

Disney Dads

I’ve been thankful that Peabody has his kids the same weekends I have mine. It definitely makes dating easier and allows our kids to spend time together too which I think it important.  Example – we’ve done everything from taking them to the fair to playing at home to lunch/movies with them as a group.  I think it’s a good think for the kids to get to know each other and for both Peabody and I to see each other acting as a parent and see how we get along with the other one’s kids. 

All that being said, Sunday nights are really hard for him when the kids go back to their mom’s.  He’s only had the kids every other weekend (and a couple weeks in the summer) since they’ve been divorced and he really would like more time with them.  Something he is going to likely go back to court for this spring if his ex doesn’t want to compromise.  When they split, his kids were really little, like 6 months old and 2 years old, and everyone told him it was best for them to stay primarily with their mom.  He’s regretted that every since and he’s still beating himself up for not demanding more time even though it’s been four years.

On the nights his kids go back, he is seriously down.  I mean I’m always a little bummed when I drop the kids off Monday morning at school but I’ve learned to manage it and I think going to work and not back to an empty house helps too.  We’ve talked at quite a bit of length about how badly he wants more time with them.  His ideal would be to have 50/50 custody like Duckie and I do.  And Peabody is a really good day from what I’ve seen. Definitely capable and attentive and all the things he should be as a good dad.  But I still wonder if he does get them for more time, is he really ready?

Being a single parent and juggling work/school/home is not easy.  I consider myself on the upper end ability to handle things and it gets to me sometimes.  And even now I’m a far better single parent now than I was two years ago.  I always wonder if these guys who say they want more time really get what that means. 
A lot of these Disney Dads are just focused on packing as many fun activities into a weekend as they can.  It’s all games and eating out and staying up late.  Disney Dads are all about good times and fun.  I’ve seen them in action plenty of times when I’m out with the kids myself and I’ve got plently of female friends who’s exs are big time Disney Dads.

I’m certainly not accusing Peabody of being a Disney Dad, I have seen him dole out plenty of discipline, but I wonder if single parents who haven’t had their kids for more than a weekend or vacation times really get what being a single parent 24/7 means.

In the early days of our split, my mom has told me that Duckie struggled.  He’d come to her house to swim with the kids or visit and he’d have forgotten stuff he needed or neglected to pack enough snacks or stuff like that.  She said he often looked harried or stressed managing the kids and like he needed a break.  Of course, he grew into his single parent role and he has managed quite well, though I still think he’s probably a little light on the discipline (that was always my role) and stuff like that.  I really never had any doubts that he would do great and thankfully our relationship got through the rocky stuff pretty quickly and we’ve co-parented very well ever since.

Duckie went straight from being in a two parent household to managing every other week on his own. I wonder for dads like Peabody who have had the every other weekend time for an extended period of time if the transition to being a full on single-parent will be more challenging. 


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Late Night Musings

Last night I had one of those random dreams that creeps you out and makes you wake up with your heart pounding and pulse racing.  It took me a while to calm back down and as I lay there my mind was drifting from topic to topic. I was thinking about Peabody and how all we did was hang out at home this weekend and it was a blast.  I was laughing at the fact he brought me a “good” voodoo doll back from New Orleans instead of an “evil” one because he was scared to bring it on the plane.  How my relationship with Peabody is so different from anything I’ve experience before. Thinking about how much things have changed in my life in the last year. Just those sorts of things.

Somewhere along the way I started thinking about Duckie and how things were with him.  I like to reminisce that I was very protective of my relationship (till my downfall with Sawyer that is) and I was by and large. I didn’t flirt or go out with single girlfriends.  But then I started thinking and I had a couple instances where I nearly cheated on him before we were even married. 

When I met him, I had been talking to quite a few different guys all who worked at the same restaurant as us. Nothing had happened with any of them but I was quite the flirt – shocking I know lol. There was one guy in particular that I’m a little ashamed to say was a Vanilla Ice-esque knock off who I had a hot and heavy flirtation with.  Right after the first couple times Duckie and I went on a date, I met this guy after work one night and we kissed.  I remember him saying I was going to break Duckie’s heart and I assured him that I just “needed to get this out of my system.” 

Fast forward about eight months, Duckie and I had moved in together and I was working in a daycare where there was this single dad whose daughter was in my class.  We got to talking and I offered to help watch his daughter after work a couple nights a week to help him out.  After he’d get home we’d sit and talk for a good while.  Duckie actually spoke up and said he thought it was weird I was helping him out for free and I pooh-poohed him.  Over time this guy and I got closer and I remember several nights sitting on his couch when I thought he would kiss me or I wished he would.  Thankfully before anything happened he moved away.  Side note – years later right after Leo was born I ran into this dad.  His kid was going to the same daycare for after school care.  How weird!

We got married and other than a few flirtations with colleagues nothing ever came close until Sawyer.  Lots of times I try to let myself off the hook and say that my dad’s suicide drove me into Sawyer’s arms but the reality is we were headed there in the months before.

For newer readers, Sawyer was our next door neighbor.  You can read the details here way back in myvery first post.  It’s was just interesting to lie there last night and ruminate on all this.  Makes me wonder if my subconscious knew it wasn’t going work even way back in the beginning and was trying to get me to do something to blow it all up. 

At any rate, I do think I learned a big lesson about letting myself be tempted when I’m in a relationship.  When I’m committed, I do my very best to stay away from temptation.  It’s something I worry about for my boss and Kansas because while they are living together and she’s totally in love with him, she still keeps in touch and flirts with some of her past boys. I just think that’s a temptation I don’t need and I worry that the longer she lets this flirtations dally, the more likely she will be to let them cross the line and since they live together with her kids, it’s not going to be an easy break up.  Maybe I’m overprotective or maybe I just know myself too well and how easy it is to turn to someone else for attention even on a purely “innocent” basis.


Sunday, November 18, 2012

THE Meeting

Yesterday, Russell and The Fisherman were supposed to meet on a hike, but it is winter in Hawaii and it rains a lot this time of year. Needless to say, no hike occurred. Russell suggested an afternoon of games on the porch drinking, but The Fisherman really wasn't into that idea so I simply invited him for dinner. after much discussion over what would be a suitable activity.

He came over at the appointed time with 2 bottles of really nice wine, which made Russell instantly like him. LOL, Josie pointed out he knows his audience! We ate and they talked and talked. I went inside a few times for things and to tend to Chloe and such and they kept chatting away. It was really, really nice! I could tell they both liked each other.

As I was leaving last night to go to The Fisherman's, where I pretty much spend every night and rush home in the am before Chloe gets up, I thanked Russell for being nice. He said it wasn't hard and he really liked him. He thanked The Fisherman before he left for not being Gavin aka a total douche bag and that spawned a whole convo over what an ass he was. I told them it had been a year and it was time to let it go. Anyway, it was a fantastic evening and I'm so excited everyone got along!! Now bring on the holidays!!!

Monday, November 12, 2012

Husbands and Boyfriends

Russell is back. I'm excited to have him home. The Fisherman seems less than thrilled b/c it's cutting into my time with him. I absolutely adore The Fisherman. I mean like in a way I see us being together for a very, very long time but his insecurity makes me a little crazy. I don't like this part of being in a relationship. I know it's weird. I know it's hard to wrap your head around if you don't know Russell and I, but it seems like I'm at a crossroads where I'm really going to have to make some decisions and I chose the bf.

I've been apathetic about filing for divorce. I hate that kind of paperwork thing, so I was going to let Russell do it. Now that The Fisherman is around though and I finally have a job with benefits, I'm going to look into filing the paperwork myself to give him some peace of mind that I really am his. The Fisherman is coming for Thanksgiving, so I suspect they will meet each other very soon! Stay tuned for how that goes. Can husbands and bfs mix? It didn't go well with Gavin, but then again I think I'm one of the only people on the planet who actually liked Gavin.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Putting the Pieces Together

So Monday night I had a delightful conversation with Peabody where we were making plans to do things over the next few months including New Years Eve. When I got off the phone with him I sent a quick text to the girls saying that after making all these plans maybe I needed to let go of my insecurity related to him and just accept that he likes me. Gwyn queried why I was feeling that way, something I’ve discussed at some length with Jules (my private therapist) and I gave her my pat answer of it being because I’m dumb and get insecure.

Tuesday morning I was ruminating about it a little and considering calling my trusty counselor for a checkup session when I hopped on my work’s employee benefits site to look at our Employee Assistance Program to see if they had a therapist I could do a couple free sessions with.

As I read over some information something dawned on me that should have a long time ago. I know I have some minor form of PTSD from my dad’s suicide. Hell my whole family does and it’s come a long long way in the last three years.  And in the past I’ve thought maybe I had some lingering depression of something but it’s not been anything that lasted for more than a day or two at a time and generally they have been tied to things about my dad.  As I read a little more I self diagnosed that my “insecurity” moments with Peabody are really minor anxiety attacks. Here’s what I’m thinking…

Since my dad passed away, things i.e. interpersonal relationships that are out of my control bring up the anxiety and it manifests itself differently.  I have always felt very in control work wise, money wise, parenting wise, family wise and hell even Duckie wise.  He was pretty much my bitch.   And I always knew that if things went out of control, I had my dad there to back me up and take charge.

The thing that I have had to come to terms with since my dad’s death is that ultimately at the end of the day, I have no control over what other people do.  I know shocker – NOT.  But sometimes you really can’t see the forest for the trees.

With Coach, I was trying and trying to control the relationship and “fix” him and every time it didn’t happen, it made me mad.  The anxiety manifested itself as anger and made me lash out and do crazy things and have crazy fights with him that revealed a level of anger that I never knew I was capable of. I’m talking throwing things at him, throwing his stuff off the balcony, totally invading his privacy, etc. Ahh the good ole days lol.
There were some random guys after him that I tried to make things work with but I was always so focused on Coach still that those things never got off the ground leaving me feeling completely emotionally adrift. Which made me more angry.

With The (crazy ass) Christian, I had let go of my Coach issues finally but I was defaulting to my old habit of trying to be the ideal version of myself for someone else.  This led me to suffocating my own personality and being stressed out about never feeling like I was enough for him and turning into a dishrag, which the girls thankfully called me out on when I was in Hawaii. 

With Peabody, I’ve been working tremendously hard to just be myself.  And I think I’ve been more my true self with him than with anyone before.  That being said, being “myself” opens me up to a different level of being hurt if things don’t work out, thus comes the anxiety.  When my confidence slips, when I start looking for things that aren’t there and defaulting to old thought patterns, I start to question myself and whether or not he really likes me – even when everything he is doing says how much he does in fact like me. 

So what I need to do now is learn to manage that anxiety and catch myself when I start falling down the proverbial rabbit hole and shake myself out of it. I know I know, for anyone who has been reading this blog for more than a couple years you’re probably thinking, “Damn girl it took you this long to figure this out!”  But I feel strangely empowered now.  Like maybe I can start taking control of it.  I know my tendency is that when I finally figure out what I’m feeling or what’s going on, it seems to greatly lessen its appearance and relevance in my life.  I sure hope I follow this pattern again.


Monday, November 5, 2012

Waiting to Exhale

This weekend Peabody took me to the mountains of Virginia for a music festival. It was really just want I needed to not be focused on the anniversary of my dad’s death and we had a fabulous time and I feel like it moved our relationship forward a little bit.

We left Thursday afternoon and I will admit I was a wee bit nervous because I didn’t know how I’d feel crying in front of him (which I was surely going to do) and because this is the longest we’ve been together (just the two of us). I always think a “road trip” is an ultimate test of a relationship and I’m happy to say I feel like we passed with flying colors.

Over a weekend of much drinking and indulging we met some of the craziest cast of characters ever. Hippies, stoners, old people, young people, people with names like Wild Bill, Jeb, Fireman Mick, Elvis, and much more. Hell we even met some swingers!

Friday morning around the campfire we started talking to this couple who were really very nice.  Immediately something clicked in me though and I just knew they were swingers.  I told Peabody and he didn’t believe me.  As the night went on at some point the wife made some reference to sex and we were joking about it.  Even later in the night she said something to Peabody and I started laughing and thought she was flirting with him.   We had a good laugh about it and then when we went to bed finally Peabody decided to go take a shower before bed.  As he opened the camper door she popped in.  I was already buried in the covers and I swear all I could think was “lord don’t let this woman climb in the bed with me.”

So eventually we go to bed and the next morning when I got up he was sitting outside talking to the husband while I went and took a shower. When I got back he was inside the camper dying laughing and said that the husband had apologized for his wife’s behavior the night before because she was trying to get ME in bed!  WTF??? I swear I don’t remember her flirting with me but maybe my radar was just too focused on Peabody lol.  It was hilarious!

As far as my dad stuff, I did cry a little Friday morning when Peabody asked me how I was feeling.  He jumped up so quick and started hugging me it made me laugh.  I also cried a little later that day when I talked to my mom and he was super sweet hugging me and taking care of me.  I gave him my phone about 3 pm and asked him to not let me look at it again for the next hour (because that’s when everything happened with my dad) and he did just that and we wrapped up that hour having one of the best sexual encounters we’ve had to date. HA! Not quite how I considered marking the anniversary but it definitely set the tone of the weekend.

There’s a ton of other funny stuff that happened like laughing at stoner conversations, taking about making plans for things that aren’t happening until the middle of next year, dancing our asses off, people falling down everywhere, and the most random crazy lobster feast I’ve ever seen but really words can’t do any of it justice.  It was a really, really good weekend.  I won’t say that all my insecurity is gone but I definitely made some leaps and bounds and I am just doing my best to trust that sometimes, things aren’t too good to be true.


PS – Halloween night Duckie and Peabody did meet. It was weird and a little strange and it made Peabody get possessive afterwards which cracked me up greatly. 

PSS – On Halloween night I gave Peabody a T-shirt he’s seen a while back that he’d said he wanted and you’d think I’d had bought him the Grand Canyon. Has anyone ever done anything nice for this guy?

Friday, November 2, 2012

Naughty Holiday Ideas

The Fisherman is very much into toys. He's into a lot of fun things and has really pushed me to be more dominant in bed, which is something it turns out I like way more than I anticipated having always been submissive in bed. We switch it up though and it turns out we both like spankings, a lot. I've taken my hairbrush to his ass a few times and I'm going to get one tonight like I give him but I really want one of these whips from our favorite sex store, Eden Fantasys. I want him to know he's been spanked. ;)

One of our other working fantasies is a swing. I'm pretty sure this is on my Christmas list!! He has a lanai that is ocean front, but the way the building is situated, no one can really see in. I want one of these swings to hang outside so that we can go out there at night and fuck with the ocean behind us and rock both outside sex and swing sex at the same time!! I've never been in one of these but they look like soooooo much fun!

The Fisherman is also very much into me dressing up in lingerie and pretty things. I'm not that girl so much, but his reaction is making me lean more toward it. I am thinking this sexy santa would make him rather hot for the holidays too!! I'm not sure what to get him for Christmas, but that seems like a great start!!

Eden Fantasys did sponsor this post, but I seriously love them and their products. I have never been dissatisfied with any of their products and they are forever running a sale. Currently, you can get 20% off with the end of their Halloween sale through November 2nd at 3pm (so act now!!) with the use of code SPOOKY 20. Use it and start your holiday sex toy shopping now. I am!!