Earlier I was thinking about Duckie and what a dipshit he is. Note, recently we battled over child support because his pay has increased and mine has remained flat the last few years and he didn’t deserve (according to state guidelines) what he wanted. Yes, I pay him child support (and I just finished three years of alimony) all because he is a slacker who was content to sit back and work low end jobs and never try to improve his career until I left him. Note again – I won the child support disagreement by the way. I digress.
Anyways I was thinking about that whole situation and for some reason started to reflect on my decision to leave him. I can remember after I first told him we had a problem and I didn’t have any feelings towards him anymore. I spent much of the next six weeks wading through my grief over my dad’s suicide and mulling over what exactly I WAS feeling. I can remember creeping around the idea of divorce.
- Grieving for the idea of the kids having to deal with us splitting on the heals of their grandfather’s death.
- Being scared to deal thinking about the legal implications of what I was tip toeing around.
- Being mad at myself for even contemplating the idea.
- Being annoyed at how Duckie couldn’t leave me alone as I requested time and time again.
- Being terrified of telling my family what I was thinking about and how they would react.
And oddly I remember somewhere deep down inside being exhilarated at the opportunity to start over, to be done with Duckie, to stop having to carry the weight of him on my shoulders, to not have to baby him along anymore and a million other things that would be better without him in my life.
I know that sounds callous, but it was a very authentic feeling. My life has certainly had it’s challenges over the last three years and there have been plenty of times I wished I wasn’t alone, that I had a partner to lean on during the hard periods. But without a doubt, my life has been so much better, so much more fulfilling, so much more filled with growth and exploration and the discovery of a whole new Miranda.
I don’t know that I even could have comprehended how much I’d have changed in such a short period of time.