Monday, August 4, 2014

The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same

So my life has done an epic 360, Russell and I are moving back in together next weekend. As I said in my previous post, just as roommates, but it ended up being harder for me to swallow than I had thought it would be. I feel like it is a huge regression for both of us, but I feel like it will be such a good thing for Chloe. The regression part comes from I feel like if I'm doing his thing again I should kinda stick with it until she graduates. I hate commitment in any form, so this is hard for me. It is also unrealistic given my personality to think I'm going to resume this living arrangement and then just coexist in the same house for the next 7 years, but I don't know. It feels big. I may be making a mountain out of a mole hill. I feel like I would suck on an epic level as a mom though if I move back in with her dad, meet a guy a few years down the line, and move us out. I think it would make her feel like a child of divorce all over again. She knows we aren't back together, but she's 11 and her parents now live together again. Then there is the flip side of dating...it's hard enough to find guys that are cool with a kid, but to also be cool with my roommate, gay, co-dependent, ex husband living across the hall, yeah no. I'm a package deal though, you have to love us all.
Anyway, I have decided that I am putting the whole dating thing on hold for a while, perhaps a long while. I feel like after Gavin (who was just total rebound, not Russell) and now this clusterfuck of a marriage, clearly I have shitty taste in men. I need to work on me for a while. Plus given this new arrangement I certainly won't have a lack of adult conversation and I have Owen to fulfill all of my sexual needs, which he is blissfully doing again on a very regular basis now that the latest husband is out of the way! He has been taking things to new sexual levels and pushing us to try things, it has been amazing!! Russell is definitely my intellectual soulmate and Owen is my sexual one. I'm going to be content with that for now, but it still feels like 2009 all over again when I was married to Russell and fucking Owen on the side. The only difference now is a divorce and open doors (figuratively of course).