Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Perfect Storm

I’ve spent A LOT of time since this weekend in my own head and I have to say though it’s been enlightening, it’s not been a very fun place to be.  After I let go of some of my oh so righteous anger with Coach, I started to feel that comment someone put on the Fuck My Life post niggling at the back of my mind.

Anonymous said... I've been reading your blog for a bit, lurking around, and you've been fucking up this thing with Coach from the beginning. Is he free and clear? No, but you've gone out of your way to lie to him, spy on him, "catch" him, and sabotage this whole thing. If I had caught you "hacking" into my e-mail just once your ass would have been on the street.

Ouch. Reality check much?  It’s not to say that Coach’s behavior is ok. Understand that. But I’ve come to realize that my issues – my wounds – played a much bigger role in turning Miranda manic over the last few months then I ever would have thought.  It’s a lot to say and it’s complicated and I’m going to try to break it into manageable pieces over a couple of posts. But it can get convoluted easily so buckle up and here we go.

Re: the Facebook/email stalking/hacking/snooping situation.  What I did was fucked up. No way around that.  And it’s easy to jump to my defense because I found out things that weren’t kosher but putting aside what I found – it was WRONG for me to invade his privacy.  No ifs, ands, or buts about it.  Calm down Jules - try to take out the fact that you know me and just read the facts. LOL

Monday night I lay in bed for hours just thinking and going round and round about how Miranda ended up in this insecure, needy place.  It sort of hit me that a lot of my craziness about Coach’s online life was because of my situation with Sawyer.

When my affair started with Sawyer it was through Facebook.  We just innocently chatted.  Nothing dirty or inappropriate. But chatting turned to private messaging which turned to emails which led to real life stuff. And because we were diligent about keeping it to email contact only, we never got caught. Which really only makes me feel even more guilty that I did something so bad and I got away with no penalties other than however I punish myself in my own mind. But I digress….

The first night I saw Coach’s email, I saw Pandora’s box right there, tempting me, calling my name, saying “it’s harmless. Just take a peek and have a little fun.”  Hell, for most of the last year I still had access to Duckie’s email and I’d sign in under my sister on Facebook to see his page all under the guise of “keeping tabs on what he was doing to make sure he wasn’t talking about me.” Yeah, good fucking excuse I fed myself and everyone who knew I could do it.

Did I find out some shit in Coach’s email that I didn’t want to know? Of course!  If you’re not like me and over the top about deleting all potentially suspicious emails I bet right now you have emails that could get you in trouble if the right person read them.  And in all fairness, outside of the job thing (which is a big fucking issue he and I have to deal with don’t get me wrong) and lying about the Skank messaging him (when the messages were totally and completely innocent in nature) nothing I found was about anything current nor did it reveal some big lie.  In fact, the first time I got in his email all but the job emails were about things that had happened well before we even knew each other or the emails themselves were at least six months old.  Sure, he painted his divorce nicer than it was, he glossed over how much the divorce hurt, and he used the term “sold” about his house instead of “foreclosed” but it was in the early stages of us dating.  You don’t bear all your scars and wounds right up front. I didn’t.  I didn’t tell him about having an affair.  I didn’t tell him about all the crazy stuff I’ve done in the past year.  I’ve never told him how bad things got with Duckie when we were breaking up.  In fact I did more than my fair share of glossing over and lying about things from the past.

In regard to Facebook, Coach also gave me carte blanche to his account. I never hacked it; let the record stand till the very end. But I got very quickly obsessed with it.  I’m ashamed to admit that at one point, I was checking his Facebook 5-6-7 times a day, pretty much every time I’d check mine. I’d check his wall, see who was commenting, see where he’d been commenting, look through his private messages, visit his friends’ pages.  Hell I’ll even admit I sat and watched him chat via Facebook IM once when he was talking to one of his meathead friends.  Incidentally they talked about work out regimens and weight lifting supplements for about 30 minutes – hardly riveting stuff. 

Facebook is ultimately stupid. I love it. It’s a fun way to keep in touch with people and kill time. But it’s like high school on steroids.  When my obsession reached its apex last week it just happened to coincide with Coach changing his passwords.  That of course only ratcheted things up further and that’s when I hacked his accounts again.  NOT OK ON ANY LEVEL.  And like anonymous said in their comment, if Coach had hacked my accounts, I’d have been pissed beyond belief.  I believe wholeheartedly that if the situation were reversed, we’d all be calling Coach psycho and trashing him for invading my privacy.

Clearly I have some real issues that I've neglected to recognize in the last year.  All my other insecurity issues, holding back my feelings, the drama with his friends/ex (both of which I’ll talk about in separate posts),  played straight into this online stuff  and created the perfect storm for Miranda to lose her shit and fall down the rabbit hole.    

Again. Understand I’m not excusing his behavior. I’m merely looking at mine and seeing that I have just as many self sabotaging behaviors as Coach. Where I've been solely pointing the finger at him, suddenly I find myself taking a long hard look at myself and I'm not liking what I see.


A Leopard Can't Change His Spots

I woke up empowered this morning to end things with Clark. I decided that I was settling in hopes that he would quit being a sociopath and actually fall in love with me and we would have a decent relationship. Well folks, I’ll tell you what you all knew all along…it ain’t happening.  I think it clicked when I had a crappy weekend/Monday with him. I felt like I was trying wayyy too hard and yes, Gwyn I had asked to see him. (Pathetic…I know.) I honestly felt like the universe was drawing us together, but I know now that either it wasn’t for the reason I assumed or the universe is just out of whack.
Regardless of why our paths crossed over and over, he’s toxic for me. I woke up this morning looking at Chloe’s sweet little face sleeping beside me and I thought about him. Would I ever want him to be a part of her life? No, no I wouldn’t. He’s too moody, inconsistent, self-centered (hold onto this one for a second), and demands too much attention be placed on him. 
I did what I do best and picked a fight with him, but I meant it this time. I told him I was over being punished for the party and that I was going back to my life (meaning Owen and Gavin).  He thinks I stopped seeing them, but I obviously didn’t because I knew how this would end.  Then he had the audacity to call me selfish. He told me that he has a lot going on and that I’m too worried about myself.  I am selfish, completely and totally but I’m telling you guys that was the freaking pot calling the kettle black.
He’s not going to change. I know this. He and I are at such different places and since I found out Monday that he could possibly be here until August, I kind of freaked that my life could be in this crazyland limbo if I continued to try to make things work out with him, so I finally grew a pair and cut the ties. I’m over it.
Another thing that clicked for me was seeing Gavin last night. We actually didn’t have sex. He came over to just hang out with me and spend time with me because our relationship isn’t solely based on sex...interesting concept.  We hung out talking and watching TV and drinking for a little while. He just makes me feel good. I don’t get that from Clark, at all. I feel like with Clark I’m always working to prove myself worthy of him…which is ridiculous. I did my summer reading list from Gwyn early and it is amazing how this post is so incredibly similar to the others. What’s the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…I’m tired of being insane. Social worker, heal thyself.
My life is not structured in a way that I can be in a relationship right now. The Gavin situation is perfect and I triple love being with Owen. My life works for me right now and I don’t need any other complications in it. This period of trying to juggle more was entirely too stressful and I feel guilty because it then takes away from more important people and things in my life. Priorities have returned to order and I feel great about it.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Last 24 (Or Why Jules Loves Her Life)

Funny story (although maybe it's just funny to me), but I just got home from being at my practicum all day (which has totally been stressful lately) and then to get my hair done and then to the drug store. I walk in and Gavin had been by at some point today and left evidence in the form of porn up on my laptop, lube on the desk, and my toy box pulled out where the lube lives. When I was giving him shit on the phone and informing him that I'm not his mama, he said "Well sometimes I just want you to know I've been there and thinking about you." Dude, he totally made that shit up on the spot. I literally laughed at him, but gave him points for quick recovery. According to Gavin, my room gives off a very sexual vibe. Then he told me he may come back tonight for more.

It's been a super fun 24 hours in Jules' world. Prior to that fun though, I took Clark to court yesterday morning for his traffic thing. I blew him before court, but honestly I wasn't really into it. I think I'm pretty much over it. It's just too much work at this point and I need easy...enter the rest of the team.

I broke down and called Gavin yesterday since I felt guilty for ditching him Saturday night. He was glad I'd called and rewarded me by coming over last night and fucking the holy hell out of me. It was one of those super horny, I need it right now kind of fucks. He was literally in every place he could be in, which I would normally have totally loved if I hadn't planned to see Owen today. Gavin actually left me a little sore last night, but it was totally worth it!

Today I met up with Owen for lunch. It was like taking a starving man to a buffet. He hadn't eaten in weeks since being on vacation and he was all over me. I showed up in a dress with no panties on, which I've recently learned he loves and thinks is super sexy. It was the normal, awesome, amazing sex but my ass was sore from the night before and I actually had to make him stop and move into other areas. I felt badly, but he was also taking forever to cum and I finally couldn't take it anymore. We fucked some more and he finally ended up coming from me licking his cock and him rubbing it between my tits.  He fessed up later that he'd taken so long to cum b/c he had been masturbating to fantasies of me and the anticipation of lunch that morning before work. I have to say that I love knowing when men fantasize about sex with me...so hot.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

TMI TIme Again

Well this seems frivolous after Gwyn's very poignant post, but wth...it's Tuesday. Stolen with pleasure this week from http://mystic-satyr.blogspot.com.

1. Who would you call for bail money?
Well since Russell and I have no money, Clark has no money, Gavin has no money, and Owen would have a hella time explaining it...I'd go with my Daddy (although Gavin owes me one since I bailed him out).  - Jules
Well I'd want to call Gwyn but she's a broke single girl like me. Calling my mom would be easy but she'd lecture me. I'd probably call my richie-rich sister. - Miranda
Fortunately I have lots of friends with more money than me so I have lots of options, I'd say there's a good 10 people I could call. Worst case scenario, there's always Grandma - Jules and Miranda, Grandma would help you ladies out as well! -Gwyn

2. Your life has been threatened unless you do one of the three following things. Which would you do? Why?
a. Do a sanctioned and well-promoted strip tease at a WWE event
b. Have sex with anyone of your choosing in a full of trash garbage dumpster
c. Star in your own Girls Gone Wild video knowing that it will be distributed, for free, in your hometown.

Definitely C...hell, I've already done a shit ton of people in that town...nothing new to see here folks. Whoops, except it would mortify my family...going to have to change that to B since I could fuck Owen anywhere and be happy as a clam.  -Jules
I'm definitely not an exhibitionist so I'd have to go with B. And a whole lot of hand sanitizer. - Miranda
Definitely A. I'm having a panic attack just thinking about sex in a dumpster. -Gwyn

3. What is your most hated chore on your household chore list?
Do people really care? I hate to clean period, but Russell and I split it up right now and I only have to do bathrooms and my laundry so it's not so bad. - Jules
Cleaning bathrooms.  Grossest thing ever. Almost worth staying married to Duckie for because he cleaned them. - Miranda
I also can't stand cleaning the bathroom. It brings out all of my germ issues lol. -Gwyn

4. Do you perform any chores in the nude? Which one(s)?
I have been caught vacuuming naked by Gavin, but normally I dress to clean. I have to dress to do laundry b/c it's outside. - Jules
I recently learned from my stay at home richie-rich sister that she cleans the shower naked then just takes a shower herself. Tried it this weekend.  Worked out great. - Miranda
I am easily distracted and mildly OCD...a combination that often leads to spontaneous cleaning episodes in which I may or may not be dressed. I find myself doing laundry naked a lot. -Gwyn

5. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? Did you turn out to do that?
I wanted to be a lawyer - really wishing right about now I'd followed through on that since I'm a poor social worker going through a divorce. - Jules
I wanted to be lots of different things.  The longest thing was a journalist. I don't do that exactly but I do write for a living. And put up with a lot of bullshit from a lot of idiots. - Miranda
I wanted to be in the FBI. Then I realized I may have to shoot people and decided that wasn't in the cards. I write for a living now but I definitely don't think this is my calling. -Gwyn

6. One of your scars, how did you get it?
I have a thin scar on my chin. I got it when I was 5 and jumped down from a wooden play fort through a square hole in it and banged my chin on the way down. I laid there for what felt like an eternity and then I laid in the sick room for what felt like another eternity before my mom came...I'm sure all in all the whole deal was maybe 30 minutes. My parents rushed me to the ER, my Dad laid across me while they gave me a shot in my chin, and then I got stitched up. It was obviously traumatic b/c I remember all of the details and I don't remember shit.
 - Jules
In third grade I was badass riding my bike with no hands down a hill when a car came around the curve. I slammed on brakes and flipped over my handle bars.  I tore my knee up big time and to this day have a lovely heart shaped scar on it. - MirandaI have about an inch long scar in the middle of my forehead. When I was 2, I busted my head open while trying to climb my grandmother's back stairwell (hard wooden stairs with no carpet). I got stitches and then one day later I busted the stitches out doing the exact same thing. As you can see, I was stubborn from the start. -Gwyn

 7. What is on the walls of your bedroom?

Surf pics I took, Hawaiian-style prints, wave pics that I wish I took, and a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon that a dear friend from HS gave me. - Jules 
Pictures of my grandparents, an antique mirror, and a random painting of dogwood blossoms. - Miranda
Nothing at all. I had one picture over my bed and a candle holder thingy but I'm trying to rent my house so I've taken down most of my personal stuff. -Gwyn

8. Do you snore, grind your teeth, or talk in your sleep?
I snore only when I'm sick and sometimes I talk in my sleep. I'm a big talker...lol. - Jules
I breathe heavy. - Miranda 
Grind my teeth sometimes and talk often. Last week I stayed with a friend and she told me I had a conversation with her about 'her brothers' while I was completely asleep. I wake myself up talking sometimes too. -Gwyn

9. What type of music do you listen to?
Everything - I have weird, eclectic tastes. I range from hip hop to rock to country to blues to Motown...depends on the mood. - Jules
Very eclectic like Jules. Everything from top 40 to Busta Ryhmes to Dixie Chicks to the Beetles. - Miranda
I like most music but I'm not really in to country, with a few exceptions. I am not ashamed to admit that I LOVE dirty nasty rap songs. Some of my current favorites artists/groups are Plies, Tori Amos, Drake, Lil Wayne, Adele, Mumford & Sons, Florence and the Machine, Counting Crows, Jay Z, Ray Lamontagne, Wiz Khalifa, R Kelly....ok I'll stop there. -Gwyn

Monday, March 28, 2011


As you all know, Gwyn has been a different Gwyn lately. I haven't been posting as much, not because I don't want to but more because I don't have much going on in the dating world right now. I've explained my whole 'born again virgin' phenomenon in a few recent posts and it's still in full effect. Many have tried to break me down but none have succeeded. In fact, I'm beginning to think that I may be some sort of sex rejection genius. If only I could bottle that up and sell it, I'd be in Hawaii in no time!

Even though I don't have much going on in the romance department (but lord knows my friends' love lives are keeping me more than busy) I have had a lot on my mind. I feel like I'm constantly thinking. Thinking about how to make myself better. Thinking about how I got to this point in my life. Thinking about all of the things I wish I would've done differently. Thinking about my purpose in the world.  My brain is never really turned off. Sometimes I feel like an artist who just needs to put something on a canvas. Like I have something built up inside of me that I need to get out. You know, that feeling we all have that we're supposed to be doing something more. That we're destined for bigger things but somehow got stuck in this ordinary life.

About a month ago, I felt the urge to write. Specifically, I felt the urge to write about my friend's baby that passed away in January. I think about her all the time, not so much her physical self but what she represents to me. Besides losing my own dad, going through the experience of watching a child suffer and eventually pass away has been the most emotional and life changing experience I've had in my 30 years. Sometimes the feelings are very overwhelming and those are the times where I feel like I have to purge. I purge through writing, it's easier for me to express myself that way. I've written a few things about this experience and the following 'poem' is the first thing I put down on paper after everything happened. I haven't known what to do with it since I wrote it so it's just sort of been sitting on my computer. Today I decided to share it with the blogosphere.....

I don’t remember the first time I realized that your mommy needed her friends. Was it the day she told us that you were born with only half of your heart? Maybe it was the day I saw her eyes water when she looked at you. Or maybe it was the day when our talks changed from lab work and numbers to prayers and miracles. I want to remember.

I don’t remember the first time I came to see you at the hospital. I don’t remember the visit after that either. Nor the next, nor the time after that. Which time did I have to wear the mask? Which time did I see your neighbor, the little boy with the burns all over his body? Screaming when his pain meds wore off, crying every time the nurses had to change his bandages. I want to remember.

I don’t remember the first time I touched you. Did I move the tubes and drains? Did I squeeze your finger and whisper in your ear that everything was going to be o.k.? Was it the time when the nurse put you in your pretty pajamas and cut heart shapes out of the tape holding the breathing tube in your mouth? I want to remember.

I don’t remember the first time I said your name in my prayers. Did I pray for you the day you were born? Was it the day of your first surgery? Was it the day you pulled out your breathing tube to show everyone who was in charge? I want to remember.

I remember the look in your mommy’s eyes that day. She was tired, worn down, overwhelmed. Her voice was weak. Her eyes were red. The nurses whispered. I want to forget.

I remember the last time I saw you. Your beautiful blue eyes had turned yellow. Your porcelain skin was cracked and dry. Your breathing was fast and hard. I want to forget.

I remember when I found out that your time with us had ended. I heard the words but not what they meant. I felt sick. I felt defeated. I felt helpless. I want to forget.

I remember the day we celebrated your life. The beautiful music. The pews overflowing with people who loved you. The tiny roses we wore. The prayer cards we clenched. The bible verse your big brother read. The embrace your big sister gave your mommy as she said her final goodbyes. The way daddy kissed your casket. I never want to forget.


Miranda is Sad

Friday Coach and I spoke very little to each other.  Then about 10 pm I got a text from him saying he was in town at a bar.  It made me really mad.  Mad that knowing I had these insecurity issues about his “friends” he’d put himself in that situation and then tell me about it. And honestly mad that if he was so concerned about our relationship he’d come all the way home from DC and go straight to a bar and not even attempt the whole “knight in shining armor” routine and try to come see me first.

What followed were two hours of various drunken texts of either “help me” or “come get me.” Eventually I told him I’d come pick him up and take him to wherever he was spending the night but he was not going to come to my apartment.  Next up followed about an hour of random phone calls where either he didn’t say anything or it was too loud for him to hear. 

Finally about 1:30 am he called for a last time and I answered the phone.  He was wasted. Like seriously scary drunk.  I let him drunkenly ramble for a few minutes and he kept saying over and over how he couldn’t believe I wouldn’t come get him (he was so drunk he had forgotten I had said I’d take him somewhere) and how he’d been trying to call me for hours but I wouldn’t answer (again you see how drunk he was).  Most of what he said made no sense or I couldn’t understand but I did find out he was at his best friend’s house and that he had not driven, which was really the only thing that even made me offer to take him somewhere in the first place.  After that phone call I packed all his stuff up in a garbage bag.

I’d been feeling so so sad that night and questioning my decision but seeing this behavior let me know my decision was right. Coach has some serious issues to address and I can’t help him with those. He has to do that himself.

The next day he called me and I questioned him about his intentions for getting wasted and calling/texting me like that. He apologized and said he was just trying to cope with the break up in a very bad way.  I asked Coach to come over that morning so we could talk face to face.  He did come over for a little while and I wanted to just get it all off my chest. Not be mean at all, but just say what I needed to say. 

As soon as he got there he told me he only had a few minutes because he had to go to his son’s soccer game. Par for the course.  I talked for a few minutes and Coach saw I had packed up his stuff for him.  Coach said he really wanted us to talk more but that he had to go to the game and he’d be back right afterwards.  I was frustrated and annoyed and more than a little sad.  Seeing him face to face was a lot harder than I wanted it to be.  Finally I agreed he could come back and he left for about 45 minutes.

When Coach came back I just laid it all out there.  I essentially just went over all our issues and told him as much as I love him I’m not going to be in this relationship. I’m not going to let these stupid issues tear me down anymore or make me be mean to him (which I have been lately) and tear him down.  I told him he needs to go handle his business and figure out what he wants out of his life. That I don’t want or need this drama in my life and it’s not freaking grown up to lie and cater to your friends like he does.

I was really upset during all this and he kept trying to hug me or comfort me.  When I said everything I needed to say, we just kind of sat there in silence for a little while.  He got up to get his stuff and hugged me for a long time and said he really loved me and he wasn’t giving up.  Coach said he was going to work his issues out and that he wasn’t going to let me go without a fight. 

He gave me my key back and I walked him to the door.  He grabbed me and hugged me really hard and I hugged him back for a long time.  Then he took his stuff and left.  It was honestly AWFUL.  Making him leave was the freaking hardest thing because I really do love him and I do think we had a lot of potential as a couple.  But potential is not enough and I’m not going to be with someone who needs to be fixed or pushed to address his issues. I did that for way too long with Duckie and we all know where that got me.

Saturday night I went out with Gwyn and the girls and we had fun. It was a much needed diversion though I did engage in some illegal texting with Coach until Gwyn confiscated my phone.  She literally took my phone away from me LOL.  That’s a true friend right there.

Coach texted me a few times yesterday saying he wasn’t going to forget about us and that he was going to work hard to be the man I deserve.  He said he’d told him parents everything and that he was ready to do whatever he needed to do to fix his issues and win me back.  The sad part of me wants to believe him but my suspicion and distrust of him are way too high.  Mostly I’m just trying to let go and move on right now.


Sunday, March 27, 2011

Weekend Awkwardness

I should probably wait until today plays out to post this, but what the hell. It's been a strange weekend, although sort of "normal" again all at the same time. Friday night, I stayed home with Chloe while Russell was at work and busted my ass doing a bunch of school work. Gavin came over while I was in the middle of it and apologized for the night before and asked to not be fired yet because overall he thinks he does a good job of servicing me. I granted him a pardon. He was super pleased that I was home working on school stuff and not out at a swinger's party...lol.

Saturday I was texting with Clark and we agreed to go see a movie last night after Chloe went to bed. I picked him up and I swear to god it was like a first date with all the awkwardness, but all of the history too. He was ready for me when I got there and had even sprayed himself with cologne. He doesn't typically wear cologne around me because I've actually commented before on his own personal scent. He has a smell that is very uniquely his. I can't remember if I've blogged on this before or not (though I bet I have). Gavin has one as well and it's one of those very distinct things to me. I remember being a little girl and my Dad talking about my Mom. He has always said that he could go blind and still know if she was in a room because of her scent. It's not the cologne you wear or BO or anything, it's just your scent. Russell has one too.

Anyway, I found it odd he was wearing cologne but I also took it as a sign that he was putting some effort into this too. We drove to the movies with some awkward conversation. We arrived kind of early (like 30 minutes) and sat in the theater again making small talk. At one point he asked if I was happy to see him and I said I was. I asked why he had finally agreed to see me again and he said it was because he wanted to go out to the movies. Upon my turning around and asking "Really??", he said "of course not....". This was kind of the extent of that conversation and the movie started. We sat in the theater not touching in any way. I usually lay on him some or we hold hands or something, but not last night. At one point he repositioned himself so that our shoulders touched and he stayed that way until the end.

The conversation back to his house was better and when I pulled up, I just sat there waiting for him to decide what he wanted to do. He said he wasn't sure what the expectation was here now and I told him I had none, that he was free to go home now. He reached over and kissed me and said he didn't want to think about us tonight. I said ok, I didn't ask for him to do so and then silence. Finally he thanked me for not pushing him, kissed me again, and got out. Outside of the car he told me that he's not angry anymore, but he's conflicted about us. I sort of nodded, said ok again, and left.

Meanwhile, Gavin came over yesterday afternoon and hung out with Chloe and I for a little while playing games. He's talking about moving into his own place again. I'm not optimistic that this will work for him, but at least he's thinking about it. He came back over yesterday evening and cooked Russell, Chloe, and I this amazing dinner. His son is staying with him this weekend, so he said he was going home to spend time with him. On the way into Clark's neighborhood, he calls and asks me where I am. I told him I was going to the movies and he asked if I would be gone long. Um, yeah...the length of the movie and the drive home. It seems he had come back down for some adult fun since the kids were settled. He seemed disappointed and on the way home last night, I wished I'd just stayed home and hung out with him.

In super happy news, Owen is back! He texted me yesterday to tell me that he was home, dying to see me, and had been fantasizing about me while he was gone. It seems his phone was off the entire time, so thankfully my pocket dialing incident went unnoticed! In not super happy news, Penn keeps texting me. I've quit responding completely. Yesterday he sent me a text asking when I was in town, telling me he missed me, and that his house was empty then (you know, just in case I wanted to come over). WTF? And finally, today is the day Chloe is meeting Russell's new bf...

Friday, March 25, 2011

Fuck My Life

Miranda may be a gambler when it comes to love and relationships but she does know when to fold them. Even when her heart isn’t ready, her head can take control of the game.  I caught Coach in a lie again.  Three strikes and you’re out.

There’s been all this stupid fucking drama the whole time we’ve been dating with his friends from high school – girls and boys.  One of his best friends has been against me the whole time and loved to try to start shit that would upset me or get me agitated.  Tuesday night I was so happy that Coach finally talked to this friend and told him to lay off.  Yes I realize that it’s totally bogus that I was happy that after three months of dealing with it he finally did something about it.  And yes I totally just used the word bogus.

Wednesday morning Coach changed his Facebook password.  He’d given it to me long ago and I used to hack it every now and again and change his profile picture or something.  Clearly my spidey senses were tingling and that’s why I checked it.  I saw that it was changed and my anxiety went sky high.  I asked about it and he said he’d changed it to protect me and keep me from some of the drama from the high school people. I told him then that I could understand that and I certainly respected his need for privacy but changing it and not telling me until I stumbled on it made him look highly suspicious.

Wednesday night insane Miranda kicked into high mode and I hacked his account. Nothing there to be concerned about - totally innocent stuff.  I told him Thursday morning I had hacked it and he needed to change his password.

In conversation that morning about the high school crowd, Coach told me something frightening and interesting.  He said when he first started dating his ex, this same crowd did the same thing to her.  They were rude, said snide comments, talked trash about Coach and her, flirted with Coach in front of her, and some of them even flat out encouraged him to break up with her.  I was stunned by this information and asked how his ex reacted. He said her feelings were hurt, it ratcheted up her insecurity, and eventually they just quit hanging out with his friends.  Years down the road he tried to get her to hang out with those friends and she refused because she still held a grudge.  I said, “Do you see a pattern here?”  It’s the same freaking situation all over just 20 years down the road.  I told him clearly my feelings have been hurt by this crowd and that they ramp up my insecurity.  How did he think I’d feel five years down the road if he never addressed this shit with them? 

The day passes and after lunch I decided to randomly try to get in his email account (though that certainly didn’t pay off last time). Just so happened to be the same login information as his old Facebook.  What do I see?  5-6 messages back and forth via Facebook between him and one of the high school girls.  We’ll call her Skank.  Keep in mind these messages were totally innocent. Nothing inappropriate was said in a single one.

A little background on Skank.  They have known each other for about 30 years.  She’s married and apparently there’s been a lot of talk about her being unfaithful to her husband.  A couple weeks ago when Coach and I were out (the night I ran home drunk and barefoot) she was there. Hell his whole freaking high school was there.  That night he was up and socializing a lot and apparently they talked a lot.  The next day he got a message via Facebook from Skank’s husband that was something to the point of, “Hey. I heard my wife was out flirting a lot and yall looked cozy. I know people talk a lot of trash in town so I’m not worried but I just thought you should know people are talking.” 

When Coach told me about it I told him it was a warning shot.  That her husband was letting him know he was watching him.  Coach was dumbfounded that anyone would think he’d be involved in anything inappropriate and I told him (and this wasn’t the first time I had said this) that his intentions are not what matter to other people; it’s their perception of the situation.  Skank sent him a couple emails after that day which he told me about that were saying she was sorry about her husband being jealous and that high school people talk way to much trash.

So back to my snooping. Via chat I totally set him up and he failed with flying colors.  I asked him if he’d gotten any more messages from her. He said she’d emailed him one time yesterday but he hadn’t answered.  I asked again if it was just the one message. He said yes again but he hadn’t answered and did I think he should answer her.  I said well what would you want me to do if the situation were reversed. He said not answer the message.  A few minutes went past and I asked yet again if there was only ONE message and that he hadn’t replied.  He said again yes just the one message but he hadn’t answered.

I got pulled into a meeting and was gone for about 20 minutes and then had another meeting so I just dropped the bomb. I told him I knew they’d been messaging and that he lied to me. Then I told him I had to go and we could talk later.

When we talked last night he said he lied because he knew I’d be upset that she messaged him and he’d answered even though it was all innocent.  That he doesn’t want me to get upset over the high school crowd’s behavior.  Over the course of two hours I alternately railed and cried and told him I would never be able to trust him again. And he’d created this whole pattern of suspicion about his behavior that I didn’t think I could get over.  All I’ve asked of him is to treat me the same way he wants to be treated and I’ve made way too many concessions for us to only be three months in.

He kept telling me how much he loves me and that he doesn’t want to be without me. That it hurts him so much to know he’s hurt me.  That he’ll do whatever I want and he doesn’t want to keep hurting me.  This fucking sucks.  I really do love him and care about him but I’m not doing this anymore.


I Can't Get No...


Team Jules is pissing me off.

Gavin came over for sex, which ended with him cumming in my mouth not once but twice. How many times did I cum while he was here? Yep...zero. Boo. I came a bunch after he left with my glass toy....bad, bad boy. This is NOT how I roll. You cum, I cum. Well reverse it and there you have it. Christ, do I really have to explain this to a 42 yr old man?? 

Owen remains on vacation...hating it. I can't wait for his giant cock to cum back all over me.

Clark and I have been having lots of conversations this week about our feelings. This includes his angry feelings at me and my guilty feelings that I hurt him. Obviously he still loves me (as much as he can) and we continue to have daily convo about how I hurt him, but neither of us can just be done with it. Why do I feel guilty when just 6 months ago he was crushing my heart? One has to wonder...wtf is wrong with Jules? Clearly I'm in love with the stupid 25 year old and it's clearly destined to epically continue to FAIL. 

Random guy from HS/restaurant (Tim) continues to text me and tell me how amazing I am and how he can't wait to see me again after all of these years. Then he tells me how we should talk for real soon, not just text but his free minutes are from 7pm-7am EST. (I'm not making this shit up). He seriously told me that he would love to talk to me during his "free" time. 

In happy news, Russell and I are getting along like never before (ok well never during our marriage before...more like we did when we were bffs). We got super high with the neighbor last night after a fun evening hanging out and tonight he surprised me with a fantastic dinner, after leaving work early to come home and take care of our sick child. Why is the gay the best team member right now??? Hello, we don't even fuck anymore...omg clearly I have to stop fucking the others and they will straighten out. 

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I Think I Just Threw Up In My Mouth

Ok, I know I’m a cold hearted biatch when it comes to love but bear with me.

In the world of glass-half-empty-Gwyn, when someone I’ve just started talking to/dating/hanging out with starts being too nice I get suspicious. It’s literally a red flag for me, I’m not saying this is healthy but it’s the truth. I’m not the type of person to put myself out there without fully knowing who I’m giving myself to. I also have a pretty full life and am not sitting around waiting to find someone to smother with love and affection. So when someone else acts that way towards me it freaks me out. You barely know me, how could you possibly know if you love me or want to be with me in a serious relationship? You may want to be in a serious relationship with my body or love my ass, sure.

I know plenty of women like this kind of stuff and enjoy the attention but I can’t stand it. It comes off, to me, as insecure and clingy which are two things I do not like one bit. I mean I know I’m freaking amazing but don’t you have your own life going on? Don’t you need some alone time? Don’t you have other things to think about besides me? Maybe I don’t like the pressure of being so central to someone else’s happiness but whatever the reason, it freaks me out.

So, blog readers....any advice for how to overcome this fear of expressing feelings or being the recipient of expressed feelings? Am I crazy for thinking this way? Should I just start putting myself out there and risk getting hurt? I don't want to be cold hearted forever but I'm going to need a lot of convincing....


PS - The Chinless Wonder messaged me at work yesterday "What size shoe do you wear?" After I asked "Why are you asking me that?", he responded with "Because I wanted to see if you could wear the extra pair of roller blades I have. You know since you're a tomboy." Then he put some stupid smiley face graphics. I never responded. I'm about to tell this boy to either piss or get of the pot. Ask me out and get it over with or stop bugging me all day long while I'm trying to work and write clever blog posts and FB status updates! Below is a picture of Chinless Wonder that gives you a little bit of insight as to why I will NEVER date him and why Miranda and I say he is the consummate douchebag...

Stupidity Prevention - Place Your Orders Now!

Next time you’re sexy texting, glean a lesson from ole’ Miranda here and double check just who you’re sending your message to.

Yesterday, Coach was in a meeting texting me and I decided to send him a sexy picture to embarrass him - he blushes incredibly easy. So I selected one from my array of photos on my phone and happily hit send.  I didn’t get a reply but I didn’t think about it because he was in a meeting.

Fast forward about five hours later. I’m on the way home from work when who should call…Sawyer.  I thought he was calling to finish our conversation from last week but the first words out of his mouth were, “You didn’t mean to send me that picture did you?”  It caught me off guard and I had to think for a moment. Then I realized just what in the hell I’d done.  Yep, I accidentally sent the sexy pic to Sawyer, not Coach.  Freudian slip or honest mistake?

In my defense, it just so happens that they have the same first name and Sawyer’s last name comes first alphabetically.  More than once I’ve started to text Coach and realized I had picked the wrong person from my contact list but I’ve always caught it.  Clearly I was not quite so accurate this time though.

We talked for a few minutes and I got a good laugh out of it and more than a little embarrassment.  Sawyer actually had the gall to ask me to send more explicit pictures.  Thankfully the picture he saw was actually pretty tame. I politely declined his request, finished the conversation, hung up, and then promptly deleted his number out of my phone.

Might as well cut all chance of that happening again as well as any temptation to communicate with him.  Nothing like a little stupidity prevention. Now if I could just bottle that and sell it….


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

TMI Tuesday - 1st Impressions

This week is first thing you think of. Are you ready?  *Stolen from http://blue-eyedvixen.com/

1. Pink
The color or my favorite vibe. - Jules
Babies. -Gwyn
Lollipops. IDK why lol. - Miranda

2. Lolly pop
Chupa Chups - yummy goodness. - Jules
Tootsie Roll Pop. -Gwyn
Weird!  Cherry blow pops. - Miranda

3. Cherry on top

Hell no, maraschino cherries are like Spam...they could survive a nuclear holocaust. - Jules
Huh? -Gwyn
Tying cherry stems into a knot. No I can't do it but it always impresses me. - Miranda

4. 3
Number of men I had sex with Saturday night - Jules
Makes me think of the proposals I do at work...aka 'in section 4.3 please write 858 words in Times New Roman font size 12...' -Gwyn
The number of orgasms I have on average during each session with Coach. - Miranda

5. Entertainment center
Random...yes, I have a smaller version here in HI than my previous enormous NC ones. - Jules
Do people even have those anymore? -Gwyn
LOL. I thought of a mall. Spring fever makes me want to shop! - Miranda

6. Spoon
An awkward position - Jules
Dave Matthews Band. -Gwyn
Ice cream - Miranda

7. Biology lab
HATED it - nothing sexual, happy I finally passed it. - Jules
Gives me bad flashbacks of college and dead animals. -Gwyn
What I should have focused on in school so I could be a labor and delivery nurse now. - Miranda

8. Wham Bam
Thank you ma’am - how I typically like it. - Jules
Same as Jules. -Gwyn
Ditto - Miranda

9. Dessert
Sometimes - I've gained 10lbs that I'm super unhappy with so less so these days, but chocolate remains a food group in Jules' world. - Jules
My reason for living. -Gwyn
I'm still thinking of ice cream from the damn spoon question above. - Miranda

10. Rough
Why yes, thank you - Jules
For some reason this makes me think of a cowboy lol. -Gwyn
The feeling of day old stubble on a man's face. Love it! - Miranda

11. Hot tub
Love them - sat in one with Gavin Sunday. - Jules
Germs. -Gwyn
Coach's sister has one.I want to get in it and do dirty things. Even if they are germy. - Miranda

12. Sex Club
I'm officially on the fence with that topic. I'd try again with a less attached, less possessive partner. - Jules
Don't even know what that means...-Gwyn
I bet there's a sex toy called the Sex Club. - Miranda

13. Lips
 I love a man with good kissable lips - yum! - Jules
I'm drawing a blank on this one. -Gwyn
I like my lips. One of my better features. - Miranda

14. Floor
Told Gavin Sunday after said hot tub incident that my kitchen floor needs to be our next spot. - Jules
A good place to sleep when you're drunk. -Gwyn
HA!  Makes me think about how Coach's mom had a migraine Friday night and told me she slept on the floor with her head under the bed all night. - Miranda

15. Ice
"Not even once"...lol. It's this big anti-meth campaign going on here.  - Jules
Ice Ice Baby. -Gwyn
The scene from 9 1/2 weeks where he has an ice cube in his mouth... - Miranda

16. Naughty or Nice
Naughty - clearly. - Jules
Makes me start singing Christmas carols. -Gwyn
Why be nice when you can be naughty? - Miranda

17. Table top
I'm trying to remember if I've had sex on one before...surely I have, but it's late and I'm tired. - Jules
Yoga. -Gwyn
A place where I eat? These are weird! And making me feel psychotic! - Miranda

18. Back

Owen pressed against mine as he fucks me. Mmmmmm - Jules
Massages. -Gwyn
Back that ass up! - Miranda

19. Ryan Reynolds (yes had to get him in)
Hmmmm....whatever - Jules
Cute but not my cup of tea. -Gwyn
Smoking hot! - Miranda

20. Tattoo
Oh god no, not a fan of needles. I like tasteful ones on my men, but not a lot of them. - Jules
Want another one. -Gwyn
Love!  I have 5 now. Yeah, I'm one tattoo away from being required to own a Harley. - Miranda

21. Boobies

Huge fan of mine, but not others. - Jules
That word makes me think of frat boys. -Gwyn 
Ladybug because this weekend Coach was changing shirts and Ladybug saw him and teased him the rest of the day by saying she saw his boobies. - Miranda

This Is The End

This is the end…I’m pretty sure.
Well it seems like ole Clark couldn’t handle seeing me with another guy. I told him in the future he may want to be careful of asking for things because he just might get what he asks for and I hoped this was a life lesson for him. We exchanged about an hour and half worth of texts this morning and finally he told me it made him sick to think that he would never be able to please me like that guy did and that because I wasn’t in tune with his feelings that night obviously I didn’t care about him. He ended it saying he just couldn’t do this.
My theory on this is that yes, it was hard for him to watch because he clearly has deeper feelings for me than he wanted to admit to previously BUT I also think he’s taking the easy way out because this is an excuse to end it now and not continue to see me and get even more attached before he moves home. I could be totally off, but I’m usually right on with these things. I called him on it and he denied it. It is what it is and I’ve told Josie and Miranda that this time it’s ok…no tears, no depression like before. I had a great time with him last week and I wouldn’t change that. I came into it with a very different set of expectations (none) this time and therefore I’m not hurt the way I was last fall.
On that note, I really think I need to stick with older men. The young ones are just too stupid and immature. I’m not going to lie, it’s an ego boost being with a guy 10 years younger, but the drama and selfishness and immaturity that come with that ego boost really don’t even it all out in the wash.

Monday, March 21, 2011

I'm Ready to Go Retro

I’m pleased to report that Coach and I had an awesome weekend together. Really it couldn’t have gone any better and it’s the first fully great weekend we’ve had since we’ve been doing the distance thing.

Friday for whatever reason (I’m blaming it on the full moon) I literally lost my mind at work.  You can ask Gwyn but I was crazy for some reason. At one point I was hiding under my desk from co-workers drinking a sprite I had spiked with vodka.   Yeah, it was that kind of day.  Anyway, par for the course Coach was calling and texting me telling me he was going to be later than planned because he was playing golf with his coworkers.  It wasn’t any big deal because I had the kids and I figured I’d just see him later when he got to my place.

On the way home he called me again and my craziness led me to give him hard time for all the junk his “friends” try to start.  For about 20 minutes I reamed his “friends” lol.  After I picked up the kids, I started thinking about how much he’d been calling me during the afternoon and my radar went off.  As I pulled into my neighborhood my suspicions were quite pleasantly confirmed and I saw he was there waiting for me!  HA! What a good surprise and how funny that I’d just been being mean to him. 

That night we took the kids out to dinner and then watched a movie par my normal Friday routine with the kids. Then I put the kids to bed and Coach had me twisted up like a pretzel in no time in bed.  For a gimp he’s freaking amazing with his hands!  We had an intense quickie and then collapsed and fell asleep.

Saturday we met my mom for breakfast and then ran errands and spent some time with Coach’s family.  While we were at his sister’s house, we started sorting through all these bins of clothes he has stored there. That man has more freaking clothes than me, Jules, and Gwyn combined.  It’s seriously ridiculous. I don’t think he’s thrown away anything in 10 years at least including some very homosexual looking 90s ribbed cotton v-neck shirts by Tommy Hilfiger.  Not attractive to say the least. 

I dropped the kids off with my mom to spend the night and then seriously channeled my inner 50s housewife as I took charge of sorting out his clothes to take to DC; doing laundry for me, him, and the kids; and hell even ironing a few shirts of his that needed it.  It was quite the crazy experience and I have to admit, I kind of loved it.  I especially loved it when in the midst of my laundry frenzy Coach came up behind me and started kissing my neck.  He was on the way out the door to go spend some time with his kids.

So he was kissing my neck and running his hands up and down my body and it was freaking hot. I don’t know it if was all the pheromones from his laundry or what but next thing I knew he had my pants undone and he was driving me crazy for all he was worth.  Then he bent me over the damn washing machine and proceeded to make me seriously wish I was a housewife and that I could expect that treatment every day of my life!  It was a seriously weirdly erotic experience between his aggressive actions, the warmth from the dryer, and the cool metal of the washing machine vibrating against my body.  Needless to say, he went to see his kinds more than a little rumpled and sweaty.  I just sat my ass on the couch in a daze and wondered how I could make that happen again toute de suite.

Saturday night we took Coach’s parents to dinner and I have to say they are the funniest couple!  And the fact that they seem to love me to death doesn’t hurt a bit either!  We went and saw a movie before having another awesome night of sex.  I miss having the sex every day like we were before he moved but damn if we aren’t making up for it on the weekends!  Sunday morning I woke up with him stroking me and teasing me and kissing my neck.  You can guess what quickly followed.  I’m generally not a loud girl but I was definitely getting there when I remembered we had all the windows wide open.  Oops! LOL!

The rest of Sunday was running around, going to my practice, and getting him packed up and headed back to DC.  I seriously have no complaints about this weekend!


Puppy Love

OMG my world has returned to normal and Chloe is back under my roof, but not before another epic Gavin day. I had no sooner gotten myself home today, made coffee, and had some food when Gavin showed up at my house questioning my recent whereabouts. I told him I'd been out and if he had more direct questions, he could ask them. He did.

Before he started the interrogation though, he wanted a blow job. It seems he'd come over to reclaim his territory and did so in a very manly, aggressive manner. Rarely do I let him just control me, but I gave it up this morning. I let him pull my hair and move my head around as he wished on his cock. Finally he pulled me off him, came on my cheek, mouth, and chin and rubbed his cock all over it before sticking it back into my mouth. When he finished I laughed and called him on the reclaiming of his land, which he denied but it was exactly what he was doing...hell, I'm just happy he didn't pee on me.

After I finished him off, he asked if I wanted to hang out with him today. I wanted nothing more at that moment. I will tell you all again, the man has the best timing of anyone I've ever met. I mean it's just spot on....when I need him, he's just there. We decided to go hang out at this resort on the west side and he went home to change and pack us a cooler full of beer and a joint (or 2) for the journey. In the car, he started the questions and I finally spilled the whole Clark story to include last night. Here's why I heart Gavin....instead of being all weird and jealous, Gavin thought it was the best story ever. He asked questions all day about it, but in a 'I'm curious and really want to go with you too' kind of way, not in a jealous way at all. He agreed that Clark was being a whiny bitch and that he didn't understand why he was pissed at me either. It was so nice to be able to openly talk to him about that whole scenario. I mean it was definitely weird telling Gavin about it, but freeing all at once especially because he was so into hearing it all.

We went to lunch, hung out on the beach, sat in the hot tub, drank, smoked, and had a really fun day. It was so nice and relaxing and easy. He made me laugh all day long and provided the exact energy I needed. At one point, we were sitting on the beach and Gavin made a comment about being my puppy...I laughed until I thought I was going to lose it. How does he know these things?! It wasn't in relation to anything I've ever said or implied or the girls, it was in a playful we were in the water and he was bouncing around me kind of thing.

Finally around 6:30, we went to pick up Chloe. Gavin knows my bff on the island's boyfriend and honestly her bf isn't Gavin's biggest fan because of his bad boy rep, but they are much more open to him than Russell so they invited us to come over for dinner. I felt a little guilty that I blew Russell off about picking her up so Gavin and I could go, but it ended up being the perfect end to our day. My bff was charming and funny with Gavin and Gavin was the same with her. It was a great evening listening to them all talk story and having Chloe in the mix. I was reminded how amazing it is to have such great friends.

Just A Swingin

This has been a very eventful weekend, so I'm just going to pick up with Friday night and go from there. This post does not have a happy ending though, sadly. Those of you that voted this week were right, I'm an idiot.

Friday night I arrived at Clark's house and he took me out to eat a late dinner. I came home to his house and passed out in the bed I was so tired. I woke up Saturday morning to awesome sex. We spent the week having awesome sex...he was ON it this week. Saturday morning he'd told me he didn't want to cum until that night but it became so intense he couldn't stop. My nipples are still sore and his sheets are in dire need of the laundry. After the sex, we got up and got ready to head out for the day. He wanted to take me to the movies and we needed to run some errands for the evening's event.

On the way to the mall, I got a flat tire. It was the bad kind that they can't repair. He tried to fill it with air for me to no avail. We dropped the car off at the mall and shopped around and saw Limitless while we waited for the car. While we were shopping, we ran into my ex neighbor...the uber Mormon lady. She hated me and it was funny to watch her try to engage in pleasant convo. I ran into her again a little while later (it's a small mall) and Clark and I were going into the toy store as she was taking her son in....well they were in and out. I've never seen a someone get a kid out of a toy store that fast...poor kid.

When we finished our diversions, we went back to his house to start getting ready for the swinger's party. The  party is arranged by this guy called Sheriff John. I'm not kidding...he calls himself the sheriff. He sent me a text  telling me the details of what to do when we got there with regards to calling a number to get the room number and such. Then he busts out with this gem..." We wear name tags the 1st hour or so. Everything is set. Naked people await you.". I was laughing so hard I was crying at this point. I asked Clark where he thinks one puts a name tag on when you're naked. I learned.

We drive to town where the hotel was and called the number for the room number. I was oddly not nervous until we knocked on the door and I had the "oh fuck" moment. A pretty blond girl greeted us (as she was the official greeter) and showed us around the hotel suite. She introduced us to everyone (bigger crowd than I expected) and showed us where to put our things. In one of the bedrooms was a couple that was there for their first time too. They seemed equally as anxious and we struck up a conversation with them. We killed a bottle of wine in about 30 minutes and I would like to point out that this is the very first time I've ever seen Clark drink. Finally, we moved into a private room with them and played some form of strip high card draw or something. The girl and I lost first and were naked waiting on the men. Finally the game ended, all clothes were off, and we started playing with our own partners. I was blowing Clark and he was making me squirt all over the sheets from his fingers. The man has got some serious talent. Once they came, we switched things up and the girl and Clark started 69 and the guy fucked me. When he finished, I rolled over and watched Clark and the girl and then she told me to help her, so we blew him together. He loved it.

Meanwhile, Sheriff John couldn't attend last night, so Sheriff Q was there. Q is a black guy (one of very few on the island) with short dreads. I love that look...I actually like long ones but short are good too. Anyway, he came in and was watching us and told me that he wanted to play with me too. I agreed and the couple left and  Clark and I moved into another room with him. I totally thought Clark was on board with this because from the very beginning of our thing in 2009, he's always told me he wanted to watch me with another guy(s). I let Q fuck me and while we were going at it, Clark is sitting on the other bed watching and jacking off. He looked into it and I was cumming a lot (too much it seems). Q came and asked if I was up for another round. I said sure and we started again. It seems this was the beginning of the end for Clark and I. Apparently it was ok that I fucked him once, but not twice. Who knew these rules and he wouldn't talk to me beforehand about it...told me to do whatever I wanted and he was happy to watch and/or participate.

When Q and I were in the midst of the 2nd time, I looked over and Clark and he was playing on his phone. I thought he was texting and made a comment about it. It seems he was texting me and telling me that when we were done, I was taking him home, and then going home myself because I'd ruined myself for him. I didn't read this until later after we left. Something happened that Q had to get up and I walked over to Clark to kiss him and he muttered "We're leaving now". I was like ok and out we went. I had no idea that he was pissed before this point. He refused to talk to me and refused to look at me. We had parked blocks away and I veered off and walked back to my car alone b/c I was confused, hurt, and angry (as I often find myself with him). He got back to the car first and by this time I'd checked my phone and read his texts. I started screaming at him that he would not talk to me like this and and that he could get his own fucking ride home. I was hitting him to get out of my car and overall it was quite the scene until I noticed that he was crying.

He told me that this evening had been a lot harder for him than he thought it would be and that he realized he has real feelings for me and it was horrible watching me with someone else. I backed down at this point and moved into fixing mode. I told him I thought I was doing exactly what he wanted and that I didn't understand why he was so upset, although I got now that he had deeper feelings than I previously knew about. I drove him home and asked him if he wanted me to stay or go...he said stay.

I didn't sleep well at all last night and he was so far away from me on the bed it was ridiculous. This morning at 9:30 I finally woke him up and told him I was hungry, I was going to get dressed and go eat, he could come or stay. He chose to stay and said he needed to be alone...yep, shut down mode in full effect. It lasted about 45 minutes and then the texts started pouring in. He asked me all kinds of things as to whether this other guy was better than he is, how he didn't know if he could ever be with me again, to how he knew he was acting like a baby and I had nothing to be sorry about, and then finally thanked me for sucking him with the other girl and suggested maybe we do it again. It was the normal crazy thing with him, but it ended early and I haven't heard another word from him today. I know he's stewing on it and I'm going to let him. This is going to run it's course sooner or later. I'm not moving to NC and he's not staying here in HI, so this may be it.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Juggling is a Sport

Holy Mother of All of That Is Freaking Holy...my ass is worn the fuck out. This has been quite a week! I am exhausted...super, mega kind but I'll be ok after tonight. Here's the news...

Thursday I went to work for a few hours and then to school and took my midterm. It was fine, I think I aced it b/c I am a smarty pants, but it was mentally taxing. As I was coming home, Clark texted me to ask how it went. My icy heart did melt a little bit that he cared enough to remember and ask. He's not overly into others and all. We texted back and forth and he was disappointed that I wasn't coming over, but he hadn't invited me that specific night and I had told him I was hanging with the boys anyway. So it turned out that after we bought our airlines tickets to come visit NC this summer, Russell freaked about money and canceled our wine bar evening but he invited his bf up to the house for dinner and wine on the porch. When I got home, steak was cooking and a lovely bottle of wine was opened....ahhhhh. I heart the gays. During the evening we drank MUCH wine and smoked some pot...total blast! Gavin came over for about 15 minutes, realized he wasn't getting any, and furthermore (told me later) felt a little uncomfortable so he bolted. I passed out only to wake up this morning with the mother of all hangovers.

I was supposed to go see Clark tonight, but I bailed after Gavin called 4 times today asking me out tonight. As it turns out, we didn't go but I did come home for sex and more drugs. I'm so bad when Chloe is away. I wonder what this summer will bring?? Anyway, I got home tonight and we got high and fucked. I think he knows I've been out this week but again won't bring it up. I felt guilty today when I told him I initially had plans for the evening. He was psyched later when I told him I cancelled them. We hung out and watched TV and stuff. I think he needed some Jules time.

In random boy news on this end of the country, I accidentally pocket dialed Owen yesterday while he's on vacation with his family...OMFG. I sent him an email later telling him what happened and hoping his family missed it (as I hope he had too and wasn't freaking that I was intentionally calling him for something!). I was mortified! I hate, hate, hate my new phone. Penn keeps texting me. I'm rude and flip and a total bitch, but he's texted me not once but twice for sex this week....OMFG (yep, again). I am NEVER going near that rat bastard again...really. That's about all of the random except for Gavin dropping the swinger's party thing again today! Coincidence?? It has to be, but jesus the timing was nuts.

PS I ended up deciding to go ahead and go to Clark's since Gavin isn't actually taking me out tonight. I sobered up and am heading out for a weekend of sexual sinning.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Free at Last...Well Sorta

About a week ago I started getting drunken text messages from good old College Crush.  Since I’ve been dating Coach, my communication with him has fallen way, way off.  A couple times, College Crush has caught me on Facebook and we’ve instant messaged but that’s been about the sum total of our connection. 

I think it was Wednesday night last week when I started getting funny drunk messages from him.  It was just his random normal humor but then he told me, “I know we don’t see each other anymore but I really miss you. You’re a hell of a girl.” HA!  Bless his heart.  He followed up my thanks for the compliment with asking if we could hang out next time he was in town. Yeah, sure, like that’s ever going to happen. It’s not that I wouldn’t hang out with him, but the simple fact is… HE NEVER COMES TO TOWN. That was a huge issue from when we were trying to hang out.  He’s the king of making plans and canceling them for various stupid reasons.

Also, last Friday I was working and what to my wondering ears should I hear….a phone call from SAWYER.  Crazy right?  I answered and we talked for a few minutes. He said he’d been thinking about me and missing hanging out with me.  We pleasantly chatted for a few minutes and he told me he was being good and that he wasn’t cheating on his wife right now. That he actually hadn’t seen anyone else since me.  WHATEVER!!! 

Sawyer proceeded to tell me everything he knew about my life (thanks to my mouthy over sharing little children lol) and asked about me and Coach.  I made the critical mistake of confirming that Coach had moved to DC and I swear I could hear Sawyer licking him chops.  The next question he asked was if I was in love with Coach to which I quickly said, “Well I love him.” HA!  We talked for a few more minutes and I could hear the wheels spinning in his head about proposing that we hang out soon.  Thankfully he had to go because; wait for it….his wife was getting in the truck.  Some things never change….

Last but certainly not least on the crazy random train, guess who friended me on Facebook.  FJB.  What the fuck is going on in this random boy land???  I accepted his friend request mostly because I was curious to see his wall and see what he’d been up to. There’s been no further contact with him but I keep waiting for him to post on my wall or say something to me.  

It does make me feel a little nervous to have past "flings" come back in my life. I mean it's easy to be faithful when your significant other is in your face on a regular basis.  It makes me worry it's going to be a slippery slope if I maintain any sort of contact with any of them. Hell  today on the way to work I caught myself thinking I should email Sawyer. Where in the hell did that come from?

In other news, I signed my divorce papers today – WHOOT!  They still have to be officially filed with the court but for all intents and purposes Miranda is a free woman.  Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty I’m free at last!

When I got the message yesterday from our lawyer to come in and sign the papers this morning I was more than a little excited.  Even though Duckie and I have a long peaceful period, it’s still felt like this final paperwork was some sort of leverage he had hanging over my head.  And even in an amicable split like ours, anything involving actual lawyers and legal paperwork is incredibly nerve-wracking.

Though I was and am excited to have this final piece almost done, it does arouse mixed emotions.  I was tremendously excited this morning but as soon as I pulled up to the lawyer’s office I felt sort of sad.  It’s kind of the same way I felt when we finally signed our separation agreement.  I imagine it would feel differently if the marriage had been horrible and we’d been evil to each other but since that wasn’t the situation, it definitely makes me feel a little sad in a weird way.

I guess Miranda’s not always the cold heartless bitch she portrays herself to be….


Thursday, March 17, 2011

Sexy Sex Sex

Since Chloe has been on Spring Break, I've been playing house some with Clark. It's been mostly awesome, although today I needed to come home for some "me" time (and also the puppy was missing me).

I left Clark's Sunday night after our lovely weekend and came home to study for a mid term I have this week. Monday, I got up at 5am and took Clark to work since he wrecked his car like a month ago and it's still in the shop. His boss has been taking him, but I decided to help out some since I could go into work early this week. I came home Monday night after class and relaxed and slept soundly in my bed. 

Tuesday I went back to his house after practicum and he took me out to dinner, ice cream, and shopping. We came home and fucked like bunnies. I really like sex with him...a lot. He fucked me last night all softly and slowly in missionary position (remember not my fave) but I came like crazy. He finally amped it up and railed me, but it was really intense. I have an opinion about it, but I know it will spark all grades of worry. Basically, he fucked me like he did last fall and it kind of scared me b/c I can't deal with the emotional shit from him again but it was also really, really great. (NO, I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM AGAIN....I PROMISE.)

We got up this morning and I took him to work again and picked him up after. I skipped class tonight because I just wasn't feeling it. I have spring break fever early. (Monday night I actually walked out of class 15 minutes early when the Korean suggested that we go to the computer lab for those last 15 minutes of class...wtf?) After I picked him up from work, he bought groceries and we ran some errands and then we went back to his house. I cooked us dinner, blew him, ate, got laid, and came home. He said his dick is sore from all of the sex. 

So part of our errands included going to pay a "donation" fee to attend a swingers' party in town this weekend. I've never been. Gavin and Penn both asked to go at various times, but I declined. I have no idea what got into me this week but they sent me an email, which I forwarded to Clark, and he said "Hell yes" he would like to go. He has this fantasy of watching me with another guy...which is sooooo odd because he's so jealous of the current other men in my life. He's  a complicated one. Anyway, that's on the agenda for Saturday night! 

Gavin called me today. His friend is still in town, but he was hanging out at my house and was wondering when I would be home. I don't know if he knows I've been out this week or not. He hasn't asked direct questions about it, but I may have broken him from that the last time I yelled at him for doing it. He asked if he could come over tonight and showed up about 10:30. I'm beyond tired but I found the energy to throw him one and  I blew him. He loves that so he was happy and I love having him in my mouth. 

Lastly in random news, Penn has been texting me. I mean really??? Dude, you raped me...I'm NOT fucking you again...ever. Tomorrow night I'm going to a wine bar with my gays (Russell and his new bf...yay). Oh and I finally added to TMI. Now, I'm crashing into my bed because if I go to sleep right this second I can get almost 8 hours of sleep!!