Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Perfect Storm

I’ve spent A LOT of time since this weekend in my own head and I have to say though it’s been enlightening, it’s not been a very fun place to be.  After I let go of some of my oh so righteous anger with Coach, I started to feel that comment someone put on the Fuck My Life post niggling at the back of my mind.

Anonymous said... I've been reading your blog for a bit, lurking around, and you've been fucking up this thing with Coach from the beginning. Is he free and clear? No, but you've gone out of your way to lie to him, spy on him, "catch" him, and sabotage this whole thing. If I had caught you "hacking" into my e-mail just once your ass would have been on the street.

Ouch. Reality check much?  It’s not to say that Coach’s behavior is ok. Understand that. But I’ve come to realize that my issues – my wounds – played a much bigger role in turning Miranda manic over the last few months then I ever would have thought.  It’s a lot to say and it’s complicated and I’m going to try to break it into manageable pieces over a couple of posts. But it can get convoluted easily so buckle up and here we go.

Re: the Facebook/email stalking/hacking/snooping situation.  What I did was fucked up. No way around that.  And it’s easy to jump to my defense because I found out things that weren’t kosher but putting aside what I found – it was WRONG for me to invade his privacy.  No ifs, ands, or buts about it.  Calm down Jules - try to take out the fact that you know me and just read the facts. LOL

Monday night I lay in bed for hours just thinking and going round and round about how Miranda ended up in this insecure, needy place.  It sort of hit me that a lot of my craziness about Coach’s online life was because of my situation with Sawyer.

When my affair started with Sawyer it was through Facebook.  We just innocently chatted.  Nothing dirty or inappropriate. But chatting turned to private messaging which turned to emails which led to real life stuff. And because we were diligent about keeping it to email contact only, we never got caught. Which really only makes me feel even more guilty that I did something so bad and I got away with no penalties other than however I punish myself in my own mind. But I digress….

The first night I saw Coach’s email, I saw Pandora’s box right there, tempting me, calling my name, saying “it’s harmless. Just take a peek and have a little fun.”  Hell, for most of the last year I still had access to Duckie’s email and I’d sign in under my sister on Facebook to see his page all under the guise of “keeping tabs on what he was doing to make sure he wasn’t talking about me.” Yeah, good fucking excuse I fed myself and everyone who knew I could do it.

Did I find out some shit in Coach’s email that I didn’t want to know? Of course!  If you’re not like me and over the top about deleting all potentially suspicious emails I bet right now you have emails that could get you in trouble if the right person read them.  And in all fairness, outside of the job thing (which is a big fucking issue he and I have to deal with don’t get me wrong) and lying about the Skank messaging him (when the messages were totally and completely innocent in nature) nothing I found was about anything current nor did it reveal some big lie.  In fact, the first time I got in his email all but the job emails were about things that had happened well before we even knew each other or the emails themselves were at least six months old.  Sure, he painted his divorce nicer than it was, he glossed over how much the divorce hurt, and he used the term “sold” about his house instead of “foreclosed” but it was in the early stages of us dating.  You don’t bear all your scars and wounds right up front. I didn’t.  I didn’t tell him about having an affair.  I didn’t tell him about all the crazy stuff I’ve done in the past year.  I’ve never told him how bad things got with Duckie when we were breaking up.  In fact I did more than my fair share of glossing over and lying about things from the past.

In regard to Facebook, Coach also gave me carte blanche to his account. I never hacked it; let the record stand till the very end. But I got very quickly obsessed with it.  I’m ashamed to admit that at one point, I was checking his Facebook 5-6-7 times a day, pretty much every time I’d check mine. I’d check his wall, see who was commenting, see where he’d been commenting, look through his private messages, visit his friends’ pages.  Hell I’ll even admit I sat and watched him chat via Facebook IM once when he was talking to one of his meathead friends.  Incidentally they talked about work out regimens and weight lifting supplements for about 30 minutes – hardly riveting stuff. 

Facebook is ultimately stupid. I love it. It’s a fun way to keep in touch with people and kill time. But it’s like high school on steroids.  When my obsession reached its apex last week it just happened to coincide with Coach changing his passwords.  That of course only ratcheted things up further and that’s when I hacked his accounts again.  NOT OK ON ANY LEVEL.  And like anonymous said in their comment, if Coach had hacked my accounts, I’d have been pissed beyond belief.  I believe wholeheartedly that if the situation were reversed, we’d all be calling Coach psycho and trashing him for invading my privacy.

Clearly I have some real issues that I've neglected to recognize in the last year.  All my other insecurity issues, holding back my feelings, the drama with his friends/ex (both of which I’ll talk about in separate posts),  played straight into this online stuff  and created the perfect storm for Miranda to lose her shit and fall down the rabbit hole.    

Again. Understand I’m not excusing his behavior. I’m merely looking at mine and seeing that I have just as many self sabotaging behaviors as Coach. Where I've been solely pointing the finger at him, suddenly I find myself taking a long hard look at myself and I'm not liking what I see.



  1. And this is why I read you crazy mamas...xox X 3

  2. I know I tend to harp on about this stuff all the time, but these kinds of issues were just MADE for Buddhist wisdom. LOL
    Seruiosly though, looking deep into your negative emotions (in this case insecurity) and figuring out the source of them is the first step in working through them. I suspect they go much deeper than the suspicion in your relationship with Coach, which was just a symptom of the real issue. In meditation we don't try to block out these emotional states. Covering them up or ignoring them doesn't help. When you finally discover what's really eating at you, then you need to acknowledge it, and accept it. Thich Nat Hahn says to care for your pain, like a mother cradles her baby. Tell your pain that you know it is there, and that you are there to help it. Once you can deal with the pain, and accept that it is there, then you can let go and learn to move past it.
    Equally as important to do, I think, is learning to forgive yourself. Your reaction with Coach was out of this deep pain, and ignorance of your true security, which made it unavoidable since you hadn't yet realised it. Forgive yourself first, because it does no good to heap guilt on this as well, and vow to go into relationships more mindfully in the future. When you work on not allowing yourself to be carried away by negative emotional states, you will be surprised about how much true love you can feel. By changing your present actions you can transform both your present and the past.
    shirt girl

  3. Ok..so #1 I think you are being way too hard on yourself, you still basically new to dating and new relationships mistakes will be made by all parties involved and from those mistakes you will learn and grow and the person that it makes you will be ready for the right relationship.
    #2 I said this about Sawyer, and I'm gonna say it about Coach...he has served his purpose, but helping you understand what you need from a guy, from yourself..but most importantly for yourself.
    But, while you are on the road of introspection, also keep in mind ALL of the GOOD qualities you have and there are many!!
    love ya