Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The End

I really need to learn to walk away. Monday night I ended up going out very impromptu for a with D to this bluegrass jam thing that goes on in this hole in the wall place. Very cool, relaxing vibe. While we’re there, I told her about Coach and his craziness from Sunday and how he’d been texting me all weekend saying he was lonely and whatnot. When I told her that, she told me he was out Friday night drinking and in all the places that caused us so much trouble when we were together and with the same old crowd of people.

I can’t say I was shocked but I was surprised. Though I really shouldn’t be at this point. She also told me (which she’s said this multiple times but never quite so funnily) that she didn’t know what we lasted as long as we did because it seemed like all we did was make each other miserable. And the more I thought about it, that was really true. At least from my end. I mean every weekend something happened that caused a fight or argument. I told her the problem was never when we were alone, if we could have lived in our little bubble where other adults didn’t come into play everything was peachy keen. It’s when the outside world came in that it all went to hell.

Side note – at the bluegrass jam guess who showed up – Imaginary Baby Daddy. We spoke for a few minutes but only briefly because D and I were ready to go and it was getting late. Damn that man is hot but I’m glad we didn’t have much time to talk because between the mood I was in and my raging hormones I probably would have taken him and did him on the hood of Coach’s car.

After I dropped D off, my anger got the better of me and I called Coach. I spent the next hour yelling at him while he made excuses for pretty much everything that ever happened. The hour of yelling is really not worth rehashing because it was the same stupid stuff that always gets said. At one point I swear I had an out of body experience and I was sitting there watching myself rant and rave and morph into Crazy Miranda and I said to myself clear as a bell, “You need to learn to walk away.” That thought stopped me in mid sentence and I said goodbye to Coach and hung up.

I don’t want to be this girl that I seem to turn into around Coach. It’s not me. It’s not my personality. It’s not who I want to be. Something about Coach drives me to the point of madness. I turn into this awful version of myself and I so don’t want to be that person. It was hard enough to get out of that mindset the first time and the second time. And on that note, I don’t want to be the couple who gets together and breaks up over and over and over. I always mocked those people!

I don’t want to be the girl who makes demands and ultimatums and forces a person/place/thing into the shape I need them to be. Relationships shouldn’t be this hard. They shouldn’t require this much effort. I don’t want to yell at Coach anymore. I don’t want to wonder if he’s telling the truth. I broke up with him for this very reason and I was getting back to being the person I wanted to be before I fell back down this proverbial rabbit hole with him.

So I’m stopping it cold today. I’m walking away. I’m going to tell him no more talking or texting. No more Facebook. No more being friends, clearly we are not capable of that. Even no more being out with joint friends at the same time. We need to get the hell away from each other. Clearly we are toxic for each other and the “good” that was between us never outweighed the “bad.” So that’s it folks. Finito. Adios. Done. Arrivederci. Check please. Miranda is walking away from Coach for once and for all.


PS – At the gym Monday evening before all this craziness went down, I was on the elliptical and saw Coach working out. I almost fell off trying to crouch down so he wouldn’t see me and come talk to me. As the guy next to me looked at me like I was a spastic freak, I realized the song Toxic by Ms Hot Mess Herself – Britney Spears – was playing on my Ipod. Coincidence – I think not.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

TMI Tuesday - Funny Stuff I Heard

Today's TMI questions taken from the TMI Tuesday Blog...enjoy!

1. Finish this thought: Nerds make me ____ ? (idea from PocketRockettz)
Feel right at home. -Gwyn
Horny. No wait, right now everything is making me horny.  3 months is a long time for this girl. Nerds make me comfortable. They are easy to get along with and fun to tease (in a non-sexual flirty way) or (a sexual way). Damnit there I go again.... - Miranda

2. If you were in a beauty pageant, which would be your ticket to the tiara? (heard on the Newlywed Game)
a. Talent
b. Interview
c. Swimsuit
d. Evening wear (i.e., gown, tuxedo)
I'd have to say Interview would be my best shot unless juggling a soccer ball on stage in my gown would be considered a talent. -Gwyn
Does drinking a lot of alcohol and not having a hangover count as a talent?  - Miranda

3. On your body what is eye candy and what is an eyesore?
Eye candy - legs. Eyesore - my lips when I pick them (it's a bad bad habit I've had my whole life). -Gwyn
Eye candy - lips or skin. I get lots of compliments on both.  My feet too.  Eye-sore - The leftover skin over my c-section scar that seems to be permanently affixed to my body.  - Miranda

4. Your penis is starring in a gritty crime drama? Which part would it play?
a. Straight laced detective
b. Hooded criminal
c. Crooked cop
I don't have a penis but if I did I think it'd be a straight laced detective. -Gwyn
I grew a penis? No wonder I'm so horny.  - Miranda

5. Would you rather? (as heard on the Graham Norton Show)
a. Eat dog food for every meal for a year or
b. Get shot in the knee
I need more information!! I'd say get shot in the knee assuming that I would have a full recovery and be able to be just as active as I was before I was shot. If that wasn't the case, I'd take the dog food. I love being active but good lord do I love to eat!! -Gwyn
OMG don't ever ask Gwyn this questions.  She needs too much info!  I'd rather get shot in the knee.  Though eating dog food would probably make you drop any extra lbs you were carrying. - Miranda

6. If you crapped yourself at work what would you do? (This was a poll taken at a blues bar…seriously)
a. Go commando
b. Do nothing
c. Turn ‘em inside out
d. Wash in employee sink
Um why isn't go home and change an option? -Gwyn
HAHAH Duckie did this once.  He went commando.  I would first die of shame, then die from cleaning it up, then I'd go commando and run my dirty ass home to take the longest shower possible. - Miranda 

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

The Lesbian Trend

Hello faithful readers, it's me OprahGwyn. I'm back with another change-your-life post. And by 'change-your-life post' I mean one where I ask you all why in the world so many people are totally changing their lives by going gay!!!

It all started for me about a year ago when one of my best friends, whom I've known since we were 14 years old, told me that she was a lesbian. Now, this wouldn't be so shocking if it wasn't coming from a girl who has slept with no less than 300 men and is one of the most penis loving women I know. When she told me, it was about 10 months after she separated from her husband (they were married for a year). I personally think she is a nymphomaniac and also bi-polar but clearly my diagnosis was off, she's not a crazy slut she's just a lesbian (I joke).

At the time of this revelation, she was working in an office with a lesbian of the butch variety. She told me that she felt a very strong attraction to the girl, who happened to be in a long term relationship at the time. This particular friend of mine is in the habit of breaking up relationships and doing other pretty crazy things so I'm never really shocked when she comes to me with her latest ordeal. But this one threw me for a loop. She is now engaged to the girl she met at her office and they have been living together for about 6 months. To this day I still don't think that she's a lesbian. I think she is a person who craves physical affection and even more than that, emotional closeness. It doesn't matter to her if that comes from a man or a woman, she will gravitate to whomever is giving her the most of what she craves (she always chose very clingy or controlling men that would want to be around her 24/7). But, regardless of what I think, she has chosen to embrace the lesbian lifestyle and I am completely supportive - although I will admit that I am about sick and tired of seeing her in nothing but sweatpants and equal rights t-shirts and having to drag her to go to places that aren't lesbian dive bars.....just being honest :)

Case #2 involves another friend of mine who is having an affair with a woman that has been going on for a couple of months. This particular friend is also married - to a man. She experimented some with girls in college but also always had boyfriends and never identified herself as a lesbian. She doesn't call herself a lesbian now either but is in a full fledged same sex relationship.

My Brazilian bff used to have threesomes with other girls and, although I'm not certain because I wouldn't let her give me the details, I am pretty sure she performed oral sex on at least one girl and definitely made out with quite a few. Again, she is straight and has only been in relationships with men.

Our very own Jules has ventured into the land of lesbianism recently in some of her swinging parties with Gavin. Two of my girlfriends used to make out with each other when they were on ecstasy. Even Miranda has kissed a girl (the friend I described at the beginning of this post!!). Miranda's new friend "D" told her she let a girl go down on her once. When I think about it, almost every girl I know has at least kissed another girl and many of them have gone much further. I'm not sure about my male friends but if my female friends are any indication....good lord.

What is going on? Am I just a big stick in the mud for not wanting to be sexually active with girls? Is it normal for everyone to be a little bi-sexual and those of us who aren't are the outliers? Do we need to redefine the way we define sexual orientation - are there more options than just being 'gay' or 'straight' or 'bisexual'? Is this a recent phenomenon or are more people just disclosing their same sex activities than did in previous generations? Are girls doing this for attention? Are girls doing this because they've given up on the male species? I have so many questions!!!!

Even though this may bring some criticism from our readers or cause people to think I am a completely sheltered Southern lunatic - in my opinion either you are gay or you're not. To me, bisexual means gay. I realize this may not be a popular opinion but I'm just stating how I feel. I also have a theory (and I've had this theory for many years) that 50% of our population today is gay - I shared it with Miranda and she thought I was crazy but now she's starting to wonder if I'm right! And let it be known that I have zero issues with someone being gay - it doesn't change my opinion of that person nor do I look at it as some sort of moral weakness. I think it is just a difference that people have.

I have NEVER had the urge to kiss a girl, let a girl go down on me, touch a girl in any sexual way, etc. NEVER. This is the main reason I have the opinion I do - either you're straight with no same sex tendencies or you're gay with some to lots of same sex tendencies. The other reason I think the way I do is because it's easier for me if I can categorize people in black and white categories - I readily admit this fact. Life gets too confusing for me if I have to group people into some sort of sliding scale from 0%-100% gay!!

I'd love to hear everyone's opinions on this topic....


Monday, November 28, 2011


So Coach has been driving me a little crazy. After my post a week or so ago about not letting him pay for stuff any longer when we were in group settings or even really seeing him in group settings, I’ve dialed back my responsiveness to his texts hugely. I probably only answer one out of every ten text.

Generally his texts are random “Hello. What’s up?” kinds of things or just things he feels he has to share with me throughout his day. Like I said, I pretty much don’t respond to anything other than direct questions now. Well over the Thanksgiving weekend, he asked me to do things with him several times – dinner, take the kids (mine) bowling, just hang out and watch a movie, etc. I said no thanks every time for the obvious reasons.

Sunday morning he asked again if I wanted to take the kids to Cracker Barrel, his treat. I said a polite no thanks and he came back and said “When are you ever going to stop saying no to me?” I said when and if I ever felt like things had actually changed. He didn’t respond for a while and I went merrily on to the gym.

A few hours later Coach sent a text saying he didn’t understand why I was being so difficult and that it’s not like our break up was his fault. I knew he was kidding, trying to get me riled up to engage with him and unfortunately it worked. I sent back a fast “Fuck you” text and then Coach bombarded me with apologetic texts for the next two hours. I ignored them and eventually the texts turned from “I’m sorry I was just kidding” to texts about him doing Christmas shopping.

Exhibit A

Next thing I know, up pops two pictures of engagement rings ( see exhibits A & B) along with the text of, “Just a survey. Do women prefer round or square?” I was still so mad from earlier that I lost my temper and texted him asking what in the hell he was doing and he said this exact thing via text, “I am just asking what is in style. I know I have a long way to go before you’d ever even consider something like this. I was really just shopping and the square one caught my eye.” (Side note – when we were dating and I was completely delusional we talked about getting married one day and I told him I really liked square cut rings.)

Exhibit B
Bull-fucking-shit! I flipped and let me tell you, it takes a lot for Miranda to really get mad and flip. I called Coach up and told him to pretty much go fuck himself and that if he thought bullying me and trying to wear me down was going to work he had another thing coming. I told him I was tired of hearing how he’d changed and how he was ready to be a better man now. That all I listened to for seven months were his words and he never followed any of them up with any action and I damn sure wasn’t going to put myself through that again. I told him to go back to DC and get on with his life. Get his shit together finally and grow up. Coach acted all shocked I was mad about the pictures and said he was happy to talk to me even if it was because I was mad. I hung up on him after that. 

About an hour later Coach texted me and asked if I was ever going to talk to him again. I didn’t answer. About 15 minutes after that he texted me and said there was a note on my car. It was a card saying how he never knew what true love was until me and that he knew he’d royally screwed things up but he believed there was enough love left to work it out. And that he was going to go back to DC next week and pray every day that he’d get another chance with me.

I read the card and threw it in the trash. Good lord I want him out of my town!


Saturday, November 26, 2011

Things I'm Thankful For

Given my recent funkiness, I’ve decided to refocus my energies and make a list of things I’m thankful for.  Enjoy!
  •  I’m thankful that even though I’m broker than hell and there’s very little “fun” money, all my bills are being paid, I have a fridge full of food, a closet full of clothes, and I good roof over my head.
  • I’m thankful the only thing I caught during the hey-day of my sexual escapades was Chlamydia and not something much worse or life altering.
  • I'm thankful my bangs are almost fully grown out now so I don't have to worry that I look like a third grader who decided to hack off her own hair.
  • I’m thankful I can do an hour on the elliptical and still manage to climb the three flights of stairs to my apartment.
  • I’m thankful for my new job that fascinates me, entertains me, and requires much less effort and responsibility on my part.
  • I’m thankful I’m no longer the boss and I don’t have a flaming idiot working for me who can’t function in the adult world.
  • I’m thankful for Gwyn who is not the least bit afraid to call me on my BS and still manages to make me feel loved from 5000 miles away.
  • I’m thankful for texting and how much fun it makes talking to someone like Imaginary Baby Daddy because it seems like with him I know just the right provocative wonderful things to say and when to shut up and retreat to maintain my aura of mystery.
  • I’m thankful that D’s boyfriend pretty much pays for everything I want to do when we go out as a group. Hell one night he even paid for dinner for me and the kids.
  • I'm thankful for D who is every bit as crazy as me but still manages to make me behave (for the most part).
  • I'm thankful my kids get along so well despite having a 5 year age difference and that they pretty much entertain each other 80% of the time. 
  • I’m thankful that my divorce turned out as drama free and non-volatile as I told everyone it would.
  • I’m thankful for Jules who encourages me to have fun and not feel the least bit “bad” for my crazy adventures and always reminds me that I am in fact “the shit.”
  • I’m thankful that I adopted the best cat I ever could have adopted and once my money issues lighten up a bit I’m going to get him a friend!
  • I’m thankful I spend enough time in the sun during the summer to keep tan lines that show year round without having to resort to the death ray (aka tanning bed).
  • I’m thankful for instant streaming on Netflix on the Wii. Best $9 I spend each month.
  • I’m thankful for the public library and how I am one of the few adults I know who still go to it and how it provides me with hours of free entertainment each month.
  • I’m thankful gas prices are finally starting to drop!
  • I’m thankful for Crystal Light’s peach mango green tea – and I’m addicted to it.
  • I’m thankful despite how much I drink, I rarely have a hangover (and by rarely I mean less than 10 in my whole life).
  • I’m thankful that I opted to get an IUD and essentially eliminate having periods, PMS, and all the accompanying joyful symptoms of being a woman.
  • I’m thankful I have people like Josie in my life who is caustic and biting and wonderfully funny and is the person who will always show up when you need them.
  • I’m thankful for all the bloggers and their blogs who entertain me and make me feel a lot better about my life from a drama standpoint.
  • I’m thankful I have a sister who is a real estate agent and who drives a hell of a bargain and won’t let me overpay for anything (even though that very fact is holding up my home ownership plans).
  • I’m thankful for Mexican food (just call me Juanita) and Barberitos specifically.
  • I’m thankful for this blog because it not only gives a creative outlet, but it allows me to therapize myself and keep myself as honest as possible about what’s going on in my life.
 There, perspective restored – at least for the moment :)


Thursday, November 24, 2011

Trying to Find a Silver Lining

It’s been a weird Thanksgiving day for me - one filled with moments of feeling greatly thankful and other moments of feeling greatly unthankful.  Last night I had dinner with Jules, Josie, Short Girl, and a few other of my long time friends and we had a blast. Though it was very surreal to realize our “kids table” was larger than ours.  That led me to going to bed with a very thankful mindset of having such good, fun people in my life.

I woke up with a chip on my shoulder though. Not sure why.  Just a general mood of grumpiness and as I lay in bed listening to the kids good naturedly argue over what to watch on TV, my phone started chiming, and chiming, and chiming. Over the span of an hour I had no less than 10-15 text wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving and most including a comment about how wonderful I was.  They were all from ex-Team Miranda members.  Motorcycle Man, McKing, Grandpa Twin, College Crush, other random guys, and of course Coach.  I even got several texst from guys who I had deleted from my phone.  It was quite funny and made me think that at the very least I left an impression in these guys minds lol.

The rest of the day was weirdly up and down culminating with dinner with the family.  We opted to go out to eat this year which I was not in favor of but it ultimately didn’t turn out too bad.  Though the whole time I was eating Coach was texting me. And it was making me mad and I realized that what’s wrong with today is the “shoulda, coulda, woulda.”

I keep thinking about how things would be different right now if things had gone differently with Coach. How he should have done things different, how he could have, and how things would have been now.  Today he and I should have spent the day together with my kids and my family.  We should have been filled with joy and peace. I would not have been thinking about buying a place for myself and we should have been at the point where we were starting to seriously plan a future together.  I would not have felt half as stressed out about money as I feel.  We should have both been planning on what to buy each other for Christmas and fast approaching our one year anniversary.  Things would feel very very different tonight if all the things that should have happened would have happened.

How freaking long does it take to get over someone?  Clearly that old theory that it takes half the time to get over someone as you were with them isn’t proving applicable in this instance.  I mean we were together right at 7 months so I should be feeling over him by now.  WTF?  I’m so annoyed and I know it’s stupid but it’s just frustrating that I’m still feeling like this about him. 

Maybe its sexual frustration from my libido raging as Imaginary Baby Daddy has been stoking it or maybe it’s a touch of Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Maybe it’s because I am so not looking forward to my first Christmas alone (the kids are with Duckie this year) or hell maybe it’s just my fucked up mind.  I know deep down inside I still have very real feelings with him and maybe it’s just my eternal frustration that though he begs and pleads and still says he loves me all the time he’s not changed one bit in reality.  And as much as those feelings are still there, my resolve to not compromise my emotional and mental health is way too strong to give in and find myself right back on the crazy train I was steamrolling down the tracks with when I was with him. 

If someone has a cure to getting over someone, I’d sure appreciate it if you’d share it with me.


PS - Edited to add this the next day in response to the comments because Blogger's being a bitch and won't let me post a comment for some reason....I'm chalking this up to a temporary slip back into loving his potential and not his reality. Maybe that's what makes it so agitating and frustrating is that I know the potential could have been so much better. But the reality is despite his protests, he is still the exact same person I broke up with in July. And maybe a little of this "fall back" is just the sentimentality of the holidays. Last year I was too newly single to care about being single for the holidays but maybe that's creeping into my subconsious this year. Either way, I'm going to work hard on cutting him back out of my life.

Texting Trauma

I wish I'd never, ever turned my parents onto texting. They have traumatized me with it this week. Some things in life, a daughter should not have to read. It's just not right.

The first in this line of texts I wish I could erase from my brain included my mother and her new bf. Now, I'll say that I'm super happy for my mother b/c she has finally met a man that makes her giddy, like school girl giddy. My mother has not been happy in a very, very long time and she deserves this. I met him with my brother, his wife, my new niece, my daughter, his daughter, and her daughter over lunch this week. It was a bit awkward because of the forced nature of the event, but I liked him. I could tell that he was a really nice man.

That afternoon from my brother's house, my mother tried to text him. She failed at this task and brought me her phone. She said "I was trying to send this to the bf and I can't. Will you forward him this message?" I go into her phone to forward it, which could easily be done without reading it and I realize that somehow she typed the entire freaking message into the damn send category. So in an effort to save myself some time, I go into her phone and just pull up his name and retype the message that read "I know you hate getting texts, but I can send this quietly. I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I miss you". Um, she's been dating the guy for 3 weeks. I'm ALL for her being happy, but "love"...really???

In my dad's world, it's much more crude. I seriously wish I could erase this one, but since I can't...I'm sharing it. He got a text from his phone company today and when he asked me to call them back I had to go into his messages to retrieve it. When I did, I somehow pulled up a text from one of his two whores. The first one is a FWB that used to live next door. She has since sold her house, but stores many things in his, to include her motorcycle in his garage. Incidentally, she is the one that showed up in the hospital 2 years ago when he overdosed and sat right beside him in a skin tight red dress with a shit ton of makeup on in the middle of day whispering in his ear right in front of my mother and I. The second of his whores is a woman who is about my age and apparently all strung out on drugs. She is the one who he "died" in front of the first time and she's the one who called the ambulance. She's also the one that didn't show back up at the hospital after I arrived back in town. If you've ever met Jules, you know that when she gives you the look, it's best to keep out of her path. It's also widely hypothesized that she has an illegitimate child with my dad. I refuse to ask. I'm a firm believer in not asking questions that you don't want the answers to.

Back to tonight, I go into his phone looking for that text and stumble across an exchange with the 2nd whore mentioned here that reads something to the effect of my dad telling her he needs someone to fuck and asking if that's going to be her or not. I'm pretty certain that this was in reference to her coming over tonight while I was at dinner with Miranda and Josie and a few other friends. He was overly curious about my arrival home time and now it makes sense. Um, ewwwwwwwww!  My almost 60 year old dad is having this convo via text. Are you fucking kidding me? It's one thing for me at my age to be acting like a stupid teenager, but it's another thing for my parents! Jesus!

In other news, this has been a fairly interesting trip b/c my dad and I have addressed a lot of his substance issues. Sadly, what I thought were good conversations seem to have had little impact as he was drunk and stupid yet again tonight. He had maintained 2 nights of sobriety, but clearly that was all he could handle. He keeps  bringing up my mother's bf, which because they have only been dating for 3 weeks, she decided to not tell him about until after we left. Much to her surprise, one of his friends got wind of it though and let the cat out of the bag. I've had to have 2 conversations with my dad now about what is and what is not appropriate to talk about in front of Chloe. That really pisses me off.

Blissfully, still no word from Gavin. I am really hoping that storm has passed. I have heard a lot from Owen. He's apparently in the remorseful and working to get me back phase. He texted me a lot this week trying to explain his behavior. He said that he wasn't looking to get back with her or anything when they had sex. He swears it was one time, it was bad and awkward, and really an overall horrible mistake. He claims he's ashamed. He told me that I'm the best lover he's ever had and that it's totally depressing for him to think he'll never experience that again.

Guys, I honestly think there is some sincerity in this, but I brought up karma and said what I've said on here. I think karma warned us and it seems like we should listen. He followed that up with he agrees and is totally on board with whatever I decide about seeing him again or not (great, thanks), but that he wants me to know he wasn't out looking around and that he's really sorry. I'm sure he is sorry...he got caught. We're all sorry then.I can't help but feel like he should get a free pass on this though b/c of my slutty behavior this whole time.  I have tons of willpower when I'm 5000 miles away, but I can tell you now I'm leaning toward forgiving his magic dick for a little bit and maybe the universe just wanted me to stop seeing Gavin. It's not a healthy relationship. It will not allow me to put myself out there to meet anyone else, but it's seriously the best sex ever and I don't know that I can do a Miranda and go several months without it. I also don't have the time and energy right now to look for a lot of new possibilities. I'm talking to a few potentials, but we'll see when I get home.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I Love My Gut

Well, no not literally. Actually, I hate my gut. Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror and push it all the way out to imagine myself as I would look pregnant and I'm scared at how realistic it looks. Other times when my period has been late I've stood in front of the mirror for 30 minutes looking at my gut and trying to determine if its size is the result of the munchies or if there is, in fact, a baby in there. But on with the post....

Since I am now the only one of the girls in a committed relationship and it's actually a relationship I enjoy with a man I really like, I've decided to become the Oprah of our blog. Ok so maybe I've also been watching lots of the OWN Network lately and I thought it would be fun to start my own lifeclass just like Oprah...either way I'm dishing out some advice. I haven't been sexually abused nor accused of being a lesbian but I think since I'm living in Hawaii at the age of 31, not working by choice and seemingly running into a continuous stream of amazingly good karma that I am just as qualified as the goddess of daytime talk to tell people what to do.

Now that we've got that out of the way it's time for my first piece of advice. Follow your gut.

If something feels right, it probably is. But, more importantly, if something feels wrong it almost always is.

It seems like a simple concept but it's something that I know we all (especially women) struggle with. The first time The Ex punched a hole in the wall of my apartment my gut told me it was time to get out. My brain told me that he would change if I tried hard enough. My heart told me that I loved him and I couldn't just walk away. Damn my other organs. They're always getting me into trouble.

God/the universe/an alien gave us our intuition to save our lives. When we were cave women we had to follow our instincts because that was all we had. As we've evolved we have learned to ignore that feeling we get when something just isn't right. We call our friends and ask them their opinions but we give them a skewed version of the story so that they have no choice but to agree with our take on the situation. We get on the Internet and look things up to convince ourselves that our gut is crazy. We do everything we can to ignore that feeling because it doesn't feel good. And most of the time it's not a life or death situation (at least not immediately) so even if we know we're making a bad choice we figure we won't have to deal with the consequences for awhile.

I bet if I asked both Miranda and Jules what their guts told them about Coach and Gavin they'd both tell me that their gut said "run away and run away as fast as you can". And I can say the same for The Barber and The Ex.

That's all the advice I have for today. I think I need to come up with a tagline so I can be more official. Oprah always says, "Now that you know you can't not do anything"...man she's good. Until I come up with something good I'll just go with this - do what I say or I'll stop telling you what to do ;)


Monday, November 21, 2011

A Close Call

Well Friday night went to hell in a hand basket but Miranda was a good girl in the end.

We started off the night with me, D, and Coach trying to go eat some dinner (D’s boyfriend was late getting off work and he was meeting up with us a little later). We walked into one place in town and it was slam packed. As we stood there for about two minutes trying to decide what we wanted to do when BLAMO – that skank who’s husband contacted Coach via Facebook walked right up and hugged all over him.

Now honestly after how bitchy she was/has been to me, I pretty much loathe this woman. When she hugged him she looked over and saw me and I swear I saw an “Oh shit” thought bubble over her head. I really didn’t care a bit that she hugged him (she can have him for all I care) but my intense dislike of this woman still caused me to shoot eye daggers in her direction. We decided not to wait to eat there and when we walked out Coach said something to the effect of I can’t believe that just happened and I told him welcome to my life where every time I go out in our town I see someone who asks about him or who STILL freaking doesn’t know that we’re not together. Fun times.

Anyways, we head on to the bar and proceed to drink way too much in a really short amount of time. It really wasn’t that much it was just the speed of the consumption on a virtually empty stomach. It was like 2 beers and 3 jager bombs was all. But again, the speed and lack of real food seems to have been my ultimate Achilles heel.

While we are there, guess who started texting me via Facebook. Imaginary Baby Daddy. We exchanged texts back and forth a bit and then I made my only mistake that night which was to give him my number so he could text me directly. We bantered back and forth a little bit and he was asking what I was doing that night. I told him our plans but as fate would have it, he was working at his shop until midnight (so thankfully it wasn’t in the cards for us to hook up) though he “threatened” to come hunt me down several times. Can you imagine the shit fit it would have been if he’d shown up and Coach had seen? Imaginary Baby Daddy also said he was excited to have my number now so “I could send him a sexy picture if I was so inclined.” Again, thankfully I was not so inclined in that moment.

D’s boyfriend showed up and we jumped in a cab to go the concert we were headed for. Somehow on the 15 minute ride from bar A to bar B all the freaking alcohol hit me at one time and I was way more drunk than I wanted to be in seconds. The first hour at the second bar was great though honestly I don’t have a crystal clear memory of it. I didn’t drink anymore and I was trying to drink water to dilute my system then all at once all systems shut down and this girl needed to go home. Again, this makes me even more glad Imaginary Baby Daddy didn’t show up because it would not have been a performance to be proud of.

The bar was PACKED and I never thought I would find anyone to get me home but thankfully as soon as I turned a corner I saw Coach. Shortly after that D’s boyfriend stumbled across us and we all hopped in a cab and headed back to my apartment where he passed out on my couch, Coach was in the recliner, and I chose not to crawl the 20 feet to my bed and instead slept on my living room floor under the coffee table until D got there a couple hours later. She has some great blackmail pictures now.

Saturday I was lazy all day and Imaginary Baby Daddy wanted me to come see him play that night but I declined the invite. I figured I was already luck to have avoided him in my drunken state Friday night and I wasn’t willing to roll the dice and see if I could resist him again. I’ve been feeling pretty good with the whole chaste Miranda thing but I’m definitely starting to feel a little randy late. And lord knows next time we’re both in the same vicinity it’s going to be hard enough to hold him at bay because if he turns it on enough, this girl is going to go down in flames despite my best intention.


PS – I am going to stop letting Coach pay for stuff really. I know despite how clear I’ve been with him about where my head is (or rather isn’t) it is still giving him hope on some level that things will be different between us. I am also going to do my best to avoid any face to face interaction with him. I won’t always be able to control that in group settings but I’ll do my best to keep it to a bare minimum. He goes back to DC in two weeks finally and I that that will make things a ton better.

Friday, November 18, 2011

If You Play With Fire, You're Gonna Get Burned?

Miranda has been playing with fire lately. Well almost playing with fire. And why in the hell do I keep talking about myself in third person?

A little back story, while I was in Hawaii Coach finally had his back surgery. He has been recuperating here with his family and he’s been in and out of the hospital with complications and infections. Before Hawaii, I hardly ever talked to him and then it was only the random text. Well after I got back and he started going in and out of the hospital, he started texting me more often and I started answering more often. I was answering out of concern for his health and because I know his family is pretty shitty at taking care of each other and I didn’t like the thought of him feeling all alone in the hospital.

After a couple close calls with almost caving and going to see him in the hospital I held firm and kept it at texting only. I did go see him one time (with Gwyn’s permission lol) but it was no big deal. Week before last he was well enough that he wanted to go out to dinner. I already had plans with my friend D and her boyfriend (Coach’s bff) to go to dinner so we invited him to go with us. I felt very odd being around him. It was weird because I didn’t really know how to act. I haven’t physically been around him in a long time and it was just strange. D and I ended up drinking our dinner and we had a blast that night and I pretty much ignored him totally. He paid for my dinner, oops I mean drinks, though I didn’t ask him to.

Apparently I ignored him so much he felt compelled to ask me if I hated him and why I was acting like a stranger the next day. I felt bad because though I typically can be cool, calm, and collected, I freaked out and couldn’t do it that night. So I told him I’d meet him another night for a quick bite to eat. We had dinner a couple days later and I’m pleased to report I was able to emulate Jules’ cool demeanor and it was actually a pleasant albeit quick dinner. Again he paid for dinner though I didn’t ask him to and I offered to pay.

Since then the texting has continued about like normal but I can’t help but feel like I’m playing with fire. I think we’re on a pretty good “friend” path, well as much as you can ever just be friends with someone you’ve had a relationship with but I know he wants more. I also know he knows that I’m not open to that. He may have his health on the mend but he’s got a hell of a long way to go before I’d ever trust him again. And he still has the job in DC and I’m so not doing the long distance thing again EVER in my life with him or anyone else.

He wanted to have lunch with me this week but I declined. So instead he bought me two Groupons for meals at one of my favorite places and sent it to me to use however I wanted – HA! Tonight there’s a group of us going to dinner for D’s birthday and you know there will be a lot of drinking afterwards – by us not Coach, he’s actually been responsible with that and hasn’t drank more than one beer since his surgery/recovery debacle. At least I assume he’ll continue that behavior tonight. I digress.

When we were making plans, he texted me and said he would pay for my dinner because he knows I’m trying to save money as much as possible with attempting to buy the townhouse and all. And I know if he goes out with us afterwards, he'll more than likely end up paying for my drinks or at least some of them because for some odd reason D's boyfriend has started paying for a lot of my stuff too.  I've wondered more than once if Coach told him to and that he'd pay him back for whatever he spends on me. 

I sort of feel bad for letting Coach pay for all this stuff but hell, free food/drink is free food/drink. And I am severely cash strapped at the moment and he knows very clearly where I stand about “us” and the fact that it’s not a possibility for a long time. But am I playing with fire enjoying the perks of him paying for me? I seriously couldn’t be more clear about us, or rather the lack there of, but I still worry I’m sending some sort of message.

Am I open to the possibility of being with him again? If he was capable of doing all the things he needs to do to get his life straight I would be totally. Do I think he WANTS to do those things? Absolutely. Do I think he CAN do those things? Not anytime soon. Before he had the first surgery he’d been to see a counselor a couple of times in DC and I hope he resumes that when he’s back up there for work in another week.

I want to believe that people can change and that one day he’ll have changed enough that being with him will be a healthy decision for me. It’s not right now, I know that and I’m not willing to compromise for less than I deserve.


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Mad Men Yourself

We got this idea from Hedone! The Infidelity Chronicles girls are obsessed with Mad Men. Actually, Gwyn told me last night that they are going to do all the way through Season 7...girly squeal!! You can do this for yourself at http://www.amctv.com/madmenyourself/.

Jules would totally be in the bedroom, in a night gown, with a martini...yes, please!

Miranda would totally be on the "scene" with a drink in her hand!
Gwyn smoking a cig and winking (just for you Miranda!) by the pool! 

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

TMI - Formspring

Today’s TMI Tuesday consist of Formspring questions pulled from around the Web. The NY Times called Formspring “An E-vite to Insults and Crude Queries.” I admit, I pulled the tame, less crude questions.
1. What is your favorite type of weather?
Um, hot...I live in Hawaii. It's always summer.  - Jules
Hot.  I hate being cold. And when it's cold, my hands stay bone achingly cold all the time.  Not the best for playtime with anyone. I seriously used to do the Mr. Miagi magic had rubbing treatment to warm them up before I'd touch Coach. - Miranda
Hawaii weather of course, 81-83 pretty much year round (last night it got down to a chilly 75 and we talked about needing sweatshirts!) with some nice trade winds. Summers in NC are a little too hot for me but I did enjoy the fall weather there, just not the getting dark at 5pm part of fall. -Gwyn 
2. How do you sustain the motivation and energy needed to write erotica regularly?
I have a huge basis upon which to write. I only write what I live. - Jules
I just write what happens and try to make myself seem unbearably amusing.Plus I'm woman enough to admit it's an ego trip when people take the time to leave a comment.   - Miranda
I wouldn't say that I write erotica regularly. As you can tell, I am by far the most prudish of the group and my posts rarely contain much erotic detail. I'm lucky to get in one post a week these days...blame my boyfriend and the beaches for that! -Gwyn  
3. Do you like roleplay? What is your favorite scenario?
No, not into roleplay so much. It's never been my thing.  - Jules
Roleplay makes me laugh.  I've done bits and pieces but very quickly it breaks down into just dirty talk.  Though it makes me laugh in a good way to do stuff out in public and pretend I don't know the person I'm with. - Miranda
I'm with Miranda on this one. The only time roleplay enters the equation for me is as part of a joke. McDreamy is scarily good at impressions/impersonations and every time he goes 'into character' I get hysterical and tell him to stop. I just can't take him seriously and neither can he. -Gwyn 
4. Have you ever been hurt so badly in a past relationship, that it has affected you for the rest of your life?
Well, we will let my therapist make that final call starting December 1st, but really I don't think so. I don't tend to let people get to me in that way. - Jules
I like to pretend I'm tough but I'm always affected in one way or another. But that's life right?  You live you learn.  IDK that there's one relationship that's affected me more than another.  FJB really messed with my head trying to figure out why I wasn't enough for him until I realized "he just wasn't that into me."  And of course my situation with Coach taught me a lot more that I ever expected. - Miranda
Yes, my relationship with The Ex has and will affect me for the rest of my life. I don't think it is because of being 'hurt' by it necessarily but more because I had to admit to myself that I wasted 6 years of my life (and this was my early to mid-twenties, the best years of my young life!) on someone who wasn't the one for me. Admitting that fact made me do a lot of self reflection and lots of questioning about why I put myself through that, what is was about him that attracted me so much, how I got so caught up in the situation, etc. The process of leaving him also built my confidence up tremendously so that now I know I can make it through anything. -Gwyn  
5. What message would you want to put in a fortune cookie?
"The crazy will soon disappear from your life and be replaced by total  awesomeness. " - Jules
Here are the winning numbers for the lottery. Go buy a ticket tonight. - Miranda
For all your hard work and sacrifice you will be rewarded. -Gwyn 
6. How big is your dick?
It depends on who you are talking to, but technically I don't have one. I've got HUGE balls though...lol. - Jules
Like Jules, I think I can have some pretty big balls. If I had a penis I'd like to think it'd be huge! - Miranda
Um, Jules? Didn't you pick these questions? Is there something you need to tell us? -Gwyn 
Bonus:  I would like to know, do you have Formspring on your blog? Why or why not?
We did, but it bored me so I didn't follow up on it. - Jules
We did but it wasn't used a lot so we took it off. And really, if you have a question, why not post a comment or just email us? - Miranda 
We did but it was boring. Wait, does that mean we are boring and no one has anything to ask us? -Gwyn 

The Dust Is Settling

I hesitate to say this, because every time that I do he surfaces again with some inane thing, but I haven’t heard a peep from Gavin in several days. Last contact was him threatening me via email and I sent him an email back telling him that if he did not immediately stop that I would file for a restraining order and file harassment charges. I told him that I would not communicate with him in this form and that no further words were needed on my part. As I have mentioned, he has a conditional release from probation, so I think he knew I’d follow through with it and has decided to just let things go…at least that’s my hope.
In a weird “Bros over Hos”  kind of way, Damien has kind of backed off too. He was super helpful in working through this with Gavin, but they are friends and Damien knows that he doesn’t have a chance in hell of being with me.  We were supposed to work out together Saturday morning, but he went off the grid and when I questioned him on it, he suggested that perhaps he should lie low until the dust settles completely on this thing so that it doesn’t look like he’s taking sides. Gavin is also a client of his marijuana business, so I’m sure he didn’t want to lose a client either. He did tell me that if anything comes up that is of  a safety/security issue to notify him immediately.
Damien is weird…period. Russell has asked me to please not get involved with him again and I explained that I was really only doing it for protection at this point. He acknowledged that, but still cautioned me. I’m fairly inclined to listen to Russell right now b/c he’s been so freaking awesome about all of this and Damien’s current stance allows me to do that while not pushing him away at a crucial time. It’s seemingly the best of both worlds.
I’m not letting my guard down though. I’ll probably stay on guard for a few weeks until I’m sure that this has dissipated. I’m still insanely happy to be free from Gavin and the toxicity of it all. I’m pretty sure that I’m going to miss the sex with Owen, but I’m not willing to go back. My plan is to either find new or to actually address my sexual addiction and commitment issues in therapy next month, quite the novel concept. I’m leaving for NC on Thursday, so short of any new developments and maybe a few TMIs, Jules is out for a few weeks.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Just ask yourself - WWGD?

This “non-boy focused time” is rocking right now I must say.  My apartment’s never been cleaner, I’ve read so many books, I’m double-timing it at the gym, and I’ve even made a semi-scary decision – I’m attempting to buy a house.

Yep I’m attempting to take the plunge into home ownership.  My sister (a real estate agent and pretty much every other adult in my life) has been harassing me for a while now about buying a place. My original thought was I’d wait until next March when I’m done paying alimony but finding out the rent on my apartment is going up next year has upped that timeline.

After spending way too many hours on Listingbook (aka house porn) and a full day of driving around actually looking at houses/neighborhoods I stumbled upon a gem.  It’s a three bedroom townhouse right around the corner, less than a mile, from where I live now. It’s about the same size as my apartment which is perfect because this is more than enough space for me and the kids and since it’s a townhouse, I won’t have to do yard stuff.  I don’t mind doing yard stuff with a partner but to tackle it on my own, no thanks.  And it puts me on the bus line for Leo to go to middle school next fall which is ideal.  It’s a foreclosure too and only needs a little TLC of carpet cleaning and painting to be good to go.  Well that and a fridge (anyone want to chip in and buy me one???).

And the icing on the cake that is way too ironic is that it’s in the same neighborhood as Coach’s ex-wife.  Yes, you read that right.  I’ll be her neighbor, well one street over neighbor. She’ll probably shit a brick when she finds out if it all works out that is.  I’d lay good money that she moves very quickly.  So I’m making the offer this week and then I’ll hold my breath and try to stave off panic attacks about being a home owner. 

This weekend is my friend D’s birthday celebration so it will be two nights on the town.  I have a feeling my resolve to remain celibate will be tested especially if we have the misfortune of running into my Imaginary Baby Daddy (who has been flirting with me via Facebook).  But this girl is determined to hold strong! If I find myself in a compromising position I’ll just ask – WWGD – What would Gwyn do? And if I’m sober enough to heed my inner Gwyn’s advice, I should pull through just fine.  

I'm not saying Gwyn's a life guru but hell look at her, she's living the sweet life in Hawaii right now.  How many of us have pulled a major life mulligan off successfully?  And Gwyn's not often one given to impulsiveness so learning to follow her heed is a good thing, especially for drunk Miranda.  Something I think an awful lot of us out in the bloggy world could learn from.  So there's my daily props to Gwyn! And it's not just because I've been living in a cream colored hoodie she fostered to me before she left for the promised land and when I wear it I think of her lol!  Wait, maybe I need to be sure to wear that out this weekend to provide some extra protection - HA!

And I’m very excited that Jules will be here on Friday!  That’s three times we’ve been together in a year people! A new record!  And today I started planning my return trip(s) to Hawaii for next year.  I’m aiming for March and July!  Basically there’s a lot going on right now in my life deserving of exclamation points if you couldn’t tell by this post!

!!!!! Miranda !!!!!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

The Art of War

Know your opponent. Clearly, Gavin doesn't know this very simplistic rule. I am a far more intelligent opponent than he's ever imagined. I actually own shoes that are smarter than he is.

Here's the latest. He's continued to send emails threatening me. I've resisted responding, but his latest one is about to earn him a TRO. Here's the cut and pasted version because honestly, I can't misspell this many words all at once to re-type it.

you r fucked up ,my gilrfriend is ready to kill herself over the shit you said, i am also soooo hurt ,i hope your happy r u, and my son's trip is also totalled.we all are missserable, and please find something better to do instead of hacking into my comp.stuff. if anyhting happens to the gf.i will fuck your life up.yuo now the shit i now about you.and i will not stop untill you lose your kid ,job house and get kicked off the island,i dont want to put energy int you at all.you should call the gf or text her your liying.before anything happens because your insucurities,try not to act like a psyco." 

Damien read this and immediately encouraged me to get a TRO. He also told me to forward it to the gf. (I did edit it slightly to remove her name and the son's name.) I sent it to her phone, but I've  blocked her from being able to contact me from her phone so I'm not sure if she got it. My intro message to her stated "I'm amazed at his lack of ownership in this...but here's where he is. It seems he wants me to tell you that I made it up. I didn't, but think what you will. He's an asshole and I'm done." If you are wondering if he has a leg to stand on, here's where I am in the defensive line.

1. I came clean with Russell tonight about a lot of things. Nothing Gavin can say at this point will have any bearing on my life with him and/or with Chloe. Despite my very poor choices this past year and a half, Russell stated that he has no doubt in my ability to be a great mom and that nothing I've told him affects that. He also noted that if I were a cocaine addict,  I'd be a lot skinnier and way more shit would be getting down around our house. I love that man. What other man in the universe would still stand by me at this point? Folks, we are way past our marriage, but I've never loved another human (outside of Chloe) the way I love Russell.  Sadly, he told me tonight that he would move mountains for me still, but that I have created a situation at this point that is kinda out of his realm to fix. I don't want him to fix it, but I appreciate his confidence in me immensely, especially since I'm pretty sure I don't deserve it. 

2. I'm totally over Owen. If he were smart enough (doubtful) to figure out who Owen is, he would be ruining Owen's life with really no affect on mine. 

3. If he were to successfully go after my job, I work a part-time crap ass job across the island. It pays nothing and I have a 2 hour round trip daily commute. I could claim unemployment pretty much until I finish my degree and then I plan to quit anyway and go get a much better paying job. Bring it, bitch.

4. Housing- I rent from a company that evicted him and the gf last spring and cut all ties. Gavin used to work for them, but since his eviction...not so much. I'm an ideal tenant that pays her rent on time every month and has never had a single complaint. 

5. If he were to physically come after me, which I'm sure some of you have worried about, he would be arrested. Since he was let off of probation with the condition that he doesn't receive any additional charges for a certain time period, he would not only serve time for whatever he did to me, but he would also serve retro time for that charge. I'd almost be willing to take a punch for him to go to jail. If for whatever reason he didn't go to jail, Damien would kill him for hurting me.

6. Lastly, I've witnessed him do drugs in front of his son. I've seen him give drugs to his son. I've seen him do coke and then go home to parent his son. 

I am not the opponent you want in this scenario. He best stand down quickly before I lose my patience and bring a whole new level of fucked to his world. Old Jules is definitely back and she's back with a mf vengeance. 

PS I finally replied to his email in a very toned down version of this post. It wasn't meant to ignite the flames any further, but it was meant to tell him he needs to back it off b/c he's starting to piss me off and that while he clearly thinks he has the upper hand, he does not. I also reminded him that I didn't hack into his computer stuff. I simply used a password that he had me create. Well, maybe that's hacking...I don't know. 

Friday, November 11, 2011

The Peen is the Thing

After all the drama this week I feel the need to lighten things up a bit. So I present to you my random "news" of the day... The Top 10 Most Amazing Penises! http://www.thefrisky.com/photos/the-top-10-most-amazing-penises/

Yep that's his scrotum!  Click the link above for more!
 Happy Friday - Miranda!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Simmering Down

I’ve never written a soap opera before, so I guess for ease of reading I’ll divide it by cast. It feels like a cast. It feels like this is all so surreal that it can’t be real. It is though…very real.
I am done with him, but here’s the continued saga. He called me this morning to tell me that the Dr. told him that it was Herpes Simplex 1. It’s the oral strain that most people have, but he happened to have it on his genitals. They are giving him a viral medication for 3 days even though it’s healed and are very nonchalant about it according to him. He went home and told his wife and she panicked, but didn’t assume it was a STD. She did question why it was there and he relayed what the dr. said in that the dr. thinks he also had staph and that the staph aggravated this and caused an outbreak. I don’t know or care…just praying I don’t have something horrible.  This did give me some peace of mind though b/c it wasn’t the bad strain according to him and like he pointed out he really doesn’t have any more reasons to lie at this stage of the game.  He is lying still though to her by not telling her about the affairs, which I suspect will come to light at some point. He’s agreed to keep my name out of it though. I’m sure she could find out if she snooped enough.
This is still a hot freaking mess…shocker.  I am done with him too. I mean completely done. There is a point of absolute no return and I finally reached it.  It feels amazing to be free of him. I don’t know what I ever saw in him looking back right now. He’s spiraling. He went to go see Damien last night and it seems Damien is protecting me and told him not to touch me. He called me this morning and left a hateful voice mail that he was going to find out who Owen is and tell his wife.  I blocked his calls after this and then he sent me a friend request on FB (wtf??) and a nasty message. I replied and then blocked him and reported him for harassing me on there. I shouldn’t have replied, but I couldn’t help it.
Then, I got scared that he might show up. I discussed a TRO with Damien, but he advised me strongly against it.  He said it would essentially be an open invitation for him to come over and that it would also give him a chance to totally rail against me in open court. He advised me to call Gavin and hear him out. I did. I asked him what he wanted and he told me to contact the gf and tell her I lied. I asked him if I did that, would he totally disappear from my life and never contact me or anyone in my life again. He said he would and we hung up. He has got to be the most selfish and stupid individual I’ve ever crossed paths with and it makes me really sad I spent so long caught up with him.
We both called Damien right afterwards and Damien talked to him first so that he could tell me what to do with knowledge related to where Gavin is at this point. It’s all such HS drama. Damien told me not to have any further contact with the gf and that lying more was just plain stupid. I agreed, but told him I was willing to do it b/c I could care less what she thinks about me and I just want him out of my life forever.  I have decided to listen to him though and not do it. I’m not communicating with either of them any further and I’m hoping that they will just disappear.  I’m going home to NC next week for 10 days. He’s supposed to go to CA for a race with his son…maybe they will work it out while he’s there and live happily ever after…haha. Incidentally, he told Damien that I blew him recently with a cold sore and that’s how he got it. First he lies about having it and then he makes up a totally bogus story? I haven’t had a cold sore since I was a kid, like 25 years ago. I didn’t blow him then, but whatever he needs to do to reconcile this in his head.
He's called once since this morning from another number and we had a hateful exchange where he noted I had not contacted her. I told him I wasn't lying anymore. He threatened me some more and hung up. He can do whatever he wants to try to do at this point. I don't care. 
I can’t help but think that the universe brought all of this, so I’m listening. I’m fairly unscathed in this and I have actually come out ahead in a lot of regards b/c it’s ended some really destructive relationships that I had going on.  It is time for me to seriously re-evaluate my life and my choices though and to learn from this and move on. I doubt it’s all simply over, but I’m done. I’m taking the signs given to me and I’m listening to the proverbial higher power to accept the things that I cannot change and change the things that I can. I’ve been a shitty mom for the past year plus. I’ve made horrible choices that could have had catastrophic effects on my life and my family. I need to sit back and figure that out.  When I get back from NC, I’m finding a counselor. I’m not telling the counselor what I do and I’m going to listen and learn.  I want to be a patient and not a colleague. (I actually have an appt. for Dec. 1st with Russell's therapist. He seems to really like him and we tend to like the same people. )
Better things are out there for me. Now that I’ve let go of all the bad, negative, toxic crap, it will come in time. I’m oddly sitting here in a pretty good place at the moment. I feel free, truly free this time.  I was sad yesterday that it all came to a screeching halt, but today I’m realizing that none of the things that I thought were bringing me happiness were and I’m excited to see what the universe has in store (mostly, because I anticipate some more drama out of this first…).

As The MF World Implodes

I'm in talks with CBS to pick this up as a new soap opera. At least if my life is going to fucking suck, maybe I can make a dollar off my own misery. My world completely imploded today...or maybe exploded b/c the shit went all around. I'm not even sure where to start. It's such a tangled web that's been woven.

I got a text from Owen today that his herpes test came back positive. We freaked and then I called my Dr. They said since I have no sores to culture, they can't reliably test me. They said that blood tests are almost never valid b/c they test for both strains of herpes and almost everyone has been exposed to the oral one. As Owen and I texted throughout the day, I found out that he's seen the ex-gf and that she miraculously tested positive today too. He's flipping out that he's going to tell his wife and lose the kids and the house and everything. I questioned him on WTF was wrong with him, but felt really hypocritical b/c it could have easily gone the other way. It may have to be honest. I still don't know that they originated it. She told him that she had an ex that was herpes positive, but that she never contracted it and she'd always tested negative. I trust everyone involved in this about as far as I can throw them. He swears it was once. He was trying to find a girl for us to fuck (yeah fucking right...asshole), and that there was no spark and he knows he lost an amazing lover today in me (damn skippy, mf). He even had the audacity to tell me that I was the most exciting part of his life for the past 3 years. Um, yeah I can tell...that's why he fucked the ex. I told him my anger is the least of his issues b/c the world is about to get a whole lot darker. I actually almost felt sorry for him and if I were confident that Gavin did this, I would feel immense guilt. In this case, I'm not so sure.

So before I knew that Owen was fucking around on me too, I called Gavin and told him the deal. He swore it wasn't him, no symptoms, etc. Oddly, he came over Saturday night (the night I refused him and just let him pleasure me) with a sore on his dick...hello asswipe, that's a symptom. He told me 2 different things. The first time it was where sand rubbed him. The second time (today) it was from jerking off too much with no lube since I wasn't giving it up. I think not...it looked just like what Owen showed me. FUCK! Any way, I called him and left a voice mail that he should talk to the gf because the timing was pretty fucking spot on with her visit back to the island and the outbreak, just saying. It seems that she picks up his voice mails for some really odd, unknown, co-dependent reason and she flipped. He called me and left me a vm that I had called her and she wanted her stuff shipped to CA. That was a total lie b/c I had not contacted her at that point.

I called him back after class and told him to fuck himself. He'd left several ridiculous messages about how I needed to fix this and it was all my fault. I'm going with a "no" on that one. I own my responsibility in this. Clearly if both men that I've fucked without condoms have sores, I'm obviously a carrier. I don't need a test for that one. Which one started it? Who knows and at this point, who cares? What's done is done...but wait, it gets better.

I contacted the gf and told her b/c Gavin would not. I emailed her through his FB acct. and told her the whole deal and that both of the men have/had sores. I think that she and Gavin have had it for a while if Gavin only had one sore b/c initial outbreaks are reportedly really bad, like what Owen had. Subsequent outbreaks seem to be small, like what Gavin had. The email elicited a lot of drama. She called, left a vm, and threatened me. Gavin called and threatened me...good times. It's been a super classy kind of day.

There were many, many more details of this sordid tale, but that's the readers digest version. I did have to tell Russell on his 41st birthday that I probably have herpes and fill him on some of the details because Gavin has threatened to tell Russell all sorts of things so that "I would lose Chloe the way he lost his gf". I really honestly hate him. I really honestly hate both of them and truthfully, I'm not loving Jules today either.

Jules is going to be quiet now. I'll fill you all in on the rest of this saga b/c I'm sure it's far from over. I wish they would just all crawl into a hole and disappear, but I'm not that lucky. Josie got mad at me today for saying this, but it's karma. Karma paid me back for all my years of fucking married men. This is the ultimate payback, a lifelong lesson. Those involved with it all got a karmic smack down too. Thank god it wasn't HIV, my test for that was negative (along with all of the others). I'm never going to see either of those men again though...sexually anyway...it's a small island, I'm bound to "see" them, but never again shall our paths cross in a sexual manner. That's what I meant about being quiet...there will be no Jules sex stories for quite some time while I sort this mess out. Thankfully, I have a shit load of toys.


I'm afraid of Gavin. He had severe anger issues and he has a key to my house. I think that if he were going to do something, as impulsive as he is, it would have happened immediately though. I have alerted Damien to the situation. Actually, Gavin did that tonight to try to intervene with me contacting the gf b/c I told Gavin I was going to do it before I did. I think Damien will help de-escalate things with Gavin though on that front. Gavin knows Damien loves me and he's respectful enough of Damien that I don't think he would hurt me b/c he knows there would be consequences. The gf keeps threatening me, but she lives in CA so I'm not overly concerned about her.

I really, really hate that this shit is my life. This is rock bottom for me though. It's not THE rock bottom, I know, but it's mine. I've hit an all time low and I'm never going lower than this. It's upward bound only.  I am changing a lot of my ways as a result of this karmic life lesson b/c I'm afraid of what else karma will bring if I don't learn the lesson now. She really is a bitch, but I really did my part in it to earn it.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

A New Day

It’s no question Miranda has had a hell of a ride dating over the last year and a half.  I’ve dated way above me and way below me.  I’ve fallen hard for guys who didn’t care about me and had guys fall hard for me who I’d never see as a long term prospect.  I’ve dated rednecks, lawyers, military guys, IT nerds, blue collar, white collar, and everything else in between.  I’ve kissed inappropriate guys and had sex with losers.  I’ve had hot dirty sex and sweet passionate sex that can only be called making love (cringe).  I’ve had hot one night stands, failed attempts at FWB situations, and a long term boyfriend who I thought I very well may end up marrying.   And here I am, standing alone, ready to finally make the most important choice I’ve made about men…. I CHOOSE ME.

Yep, I choose me.  I am so over dating guys who are not worth my time and effort.  I’m over guys thinking they can get what they want from me.  I’m over thinking if I sleep with a guy it will somehow make him like me more. I’m done thinking that guys will change to be the man I need them to be.  I’m done making concessions for a guy’s bad habits or issues.  I’m over feeling like I have to fill my every spare minute talking or texting or seeing a guy.  I am done with guys who act like frat boys, guys who act like they are they shit, and guys who need their hands held because their mom didn’t cut off the tit soon enough.  I’m freaking done with it all!

Does this mean Miranda’s suddenly not going to have anything to do with guys? Is Miranda going lez?  Hell no!  It means I’m putting myself first from here on out.  I’m not wasting one more second of my time on a guy who isn’t willing to make me a priority in his life. I’m not chasing, waiting for, or taking care of another guy.  I’m no longer playing the roles of therapist,  fun time girl,  sex toy, divorce counselor, time filler, comedian, fantasy, or anything else for any man.  I am the awesome mother fucking Miranda that I am and if that’s not good enough for some guy, too damn bad for him.

And part of this “choosing of me” means that I’m not giving it up anymore to a guy who is one ounce less than worthy.  I’ve done good the last two months and have held strong. Hell this is the longest amount of time I’ve not had sex since my daughter was born!  And it’s hard and it’s not always fun. I’ve been mighty tempted but I’m proud that I haven’t given in.  Do I really need to have more random guys as part of my sexual history?  Hell no!  I know it won’t always be easy, but I care about myself enough to stop letting guys who don’t deserve it join the exclusive club of Miranda.

If you look around the blog world, there are a lot of us struggling with ourselves.  Hell that’s why most of us started a blog in the first place! We had issues we needed to therapize and we chose writing as the way to do it.  I think a lot more of us would be happy if we’d just start choosing ourselves. The first time I choose myself I found the strength to walk away from a failing marriage.  That girl - that strong, powerful brave girl - I’ve lost her some over the last year but I’m finding my way back to her. 

And for God’s sake, will you people start choosing yourself too!


Sexting from San Fran

Friday night Owen sent me a text that he was in Northern CA, all healed from his staph infection, and SUPER horny. I replied that I was unfortunately in HI, also super horny, and dying to see him. He replied with a pic. ;) After his son went to sleep (they are on a father-son trip), he proceeded to beg me to sext and take pictures for him. I was sitting on the porch with Gwyn, McDreamy, and Russell and put him off for a while, but he kept coming back for more so I excused myself to bed and spent the next 2 hours going back and forth and cumming like crazy with him on the phone. That man can turn me on like crazy from 3000 miles away!

In the midst of this, Gavin kept calling. I ignored all of them, except for one where I accidentally answered and just hung up. I didn't want him to come over and I didn't really want to talk to him right then either because I was loving the back and forth with Owen. I answered his last call after midnight and told him I was asleep and hung up again. I got a call promptly at 8am the next morning asking about it. I lied and told him I was in bed. He invited me to do some things, but I declined. I've decided that for now I really need him to just be in the B part of the FWB. I don't want to hang out with him right now. I just want to use him for his cock and go on about my business. We talked at various points yesterday and he kept asking me to do things. I finally let him come over around midnight, pleasure me, and then leave.

I ran into Damien yesterday on the beach. He said he saw Gavin in the water earlier this week and he is clearly in love with me and we need to make this work. I found that hilarious given how 3 weeks ago he was saying how toxic we were for each other. I do not think Gavin is in love with me. I think the summations made after my last post about him being addicted to me are more accurate.

At any rate, I'm super excited that Owen is healed and I get to see him this week!!! It's long overdue and I need him to pin me down and remind me who the sex god around here is!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Why You Should Always Doublecheck Who You're Texting...

So certain funny things in life happen to me and this is one of them. The new guy I referenced in the last post did the funniest thing on Thursday.

So he and I have been talking/texting for a little while now and I’ve been on the fence about him. He’s cute and he’s an EMT but he’s got a couple strikes against him. #1 – he’s got two kids by two different women. #2 – he’s currently living with his sister; he moved here a few months ago and it’s supposedly temporary but he doesn’t seem to be beating the bushes looking for a new place yet.

And this is not technically a strike but he always wants to talk on the phone and he uses a headset so it’s hard to hear him (I feel like I’m constantly asking “what” and “huh”). Miranda is not a big phone talker with people she doesn’t know well and the headset issues have annoyed me to death. I find it challenging to stay engaged in the conversation. I will text you like mad but I really don’t like trying to make conversation via phone if we haven’t met yet or if we don’t just have banging chemistry. Talking in person is completely different and of course, after we know each other a bit, talking on the phone is no big deal.

So anyway, due to scheduling conflicts we’ve just been talking/texting for a couple weeks now and we were finally set to go out Thursday night (to Chilli’s – don’t get too excited lol). I was feeling a bit of a homebody and while I wanted to spend some face time with this guy I just wasn’t sure that I was feeling it for last night. But earlier in the day I had decided to soldier on if for no more reason than to have a story to share. Well, seems the universe wanted to enable my homebody tendencies due to what happened in the afternoon.

He and I spoke briefly at lunch and then I was in a meeting. While I was there I got a text from him and then another immediately after that. They were:

New Boy: 1:35, I’ll rub ‘em for you!
New Boy: 1:36, Uh that was not for u.

I literally lol’d in the hospital. I texted him back and this was our exchange.

Miranda – That was weird
New Boy – I was talking to my sister. She hurt her triceps.

Miranda - Offering to rub your sister's triceps is pretty strange.

New Boy – U don’t have to believe me. I’m rubbing medicine on her though.

Miranda – Sure lol.

New Boy - That's nasty!
Miranda - You're the one who just got busted lol.
New Boy – Busted Helping! But u don’t have to believe me. U forget I do medical stuff.
Miranda – No I remember but that’s a totally sketchy excuse for that text.

New Boy – Well if u don’t trust me maybe we shouldn’t go out. I only want a woman who trusts me.
Miranda – Ok. That's fine.
New Boy – Damn. I’m sad now.

HAHAHAHA! I hope he had fun rubbing Bengay on his sister’s triceps that night!


PS - On Halloween night Sawyer hugged me right in front of his freaking wife!  And now of course he's blowing up my email and he's even texting me like crazy.  We never text!  WTF universe!