Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Simmering Down

I’ve never written a soap opera before, so I guess for ease of reading I’ll divide it by cast. It feels like a cast. It feels like this is all so surreal that it can’t be real. It is though…very real.
I am done with him, but here’s the continued saga. He called me this morning to tell me that the Dr. told him that it was Herpes Simplex 1. It’s the oral strain that most people have, but he happened to have it on his genitals. They are giving him a viral medication for 3 days even though it’s healed and are very nonchalant about it according to him. He went home and told his wife and she panicked, but didn’t assume it was a STD. She did question why it was there and he relayed what the dr. said in that the dr. thinks he also had staph and that the staph aggravated this and caused an outbreak. I don’t know or care…just praying I don’t have something horrible.  This did give me some peace of mind though b/c it wasn’t the bad strain according to him and like he pointed out he really doesn’t have any more reasons to lie at this stage of the game.  He is lying still though to her by not telling her about the affairs, which I suspect will come to light at some point. He’s agreed to keep my name out of it though. I’m sure she could find out if she snooped enough.
This is still a hot freaking mess…shocker.  I am done with him too. I mean completely done. There is a point of absolute no return and I finally reached it.  It feels amazing to be free of him. I don’t know what I ever saw in him looking back right now. He’s spiraling. He went to go see Damien last night and it seems Damien is protecting me and told him not to touch me. He called me this morning and left a hateful voice mail that he was going to find out who Owen is and tell his wife.  I blocked his calls after this and then he sent me a friend request on FB (wtf??) and a nasty message. I replied and then blocked him and reported him for harassing me on there. I shouldn’t have replied, but I couldn’t help it.
Then, I got scared that he might show up. I discussed a TRO with Damien, but he advised me strongly against it.  He said it would essentially be an open invitation for him to come over and that it would also give him a chance to totally rail against me in open court. He advised me to call Gavin and hear him out. I did. I asked him what he wanted and he told me to contact the gf and tell her I lied. I asked him if I did that, would he totally disappear from my life and never contact me or anyone in my life again. He said he would and we hung up. He has got to be the most selfish and stupid individual I’ve ever crossed paths with and it makes me really sad I spent so long caught up with him.
We both called Damien right afterwards and Damien talked to him first so that he could tell me what to do with knowledge related to where Gavin is at this point. It’s all such HS drama. Damien told me not to have any further contact with the gf and that lying more was just plain stupid. I agreed, but told him I was willing to do it b/c I could care less what she thinks about me and I just want him out of my life forever.  I have decided to listen to him though and not do it. I’m not communicating with either of them any further and I’m hoping that they will just disappear.  I’m going home to NC next week for 10 days. He’s supposed to go to CA for a race with his son…maybe they will work it out while he’s there and live happily ever after…haha. Incidentally, he told Damien that I blew him recently with a cold sore and that’s how he got it. First he lies about having it and then he makes up a totally bogus story? I haven’t had a cold sore since I was a kid, like 25 years ago. I didn’t blow him then, but whatever he needs to do to reconcile this in his head.
He's called once since this morning from another number and we had a hateful exchange where he noted I had not contacted her. I told him I wasn't lying anymore. He threatened me some more and hung up. He can do whatever he wants to try to do at this point. I don't care. 
I can’t help but think that the universe brought all of this, so I’m listening. I’m fairly unscathed in this and I have actually come out ahead in a lot of regards b/c it’s ended some really destructive relationships that I had going on.  It is time for me to seriously re-evaluate my life and my choices though and to learn from this and move on. I doubt it’s all simply over, but I’m done. I’m taking the signs given to me and I’m listening to the proverbial higher power to accept the things that I cannot change and change the things that I can. I’ve been a shitty mom for the past year plus. I’ve made horrible choices that could have had catastrophic effects on my life and my family. I need to sit back and figure that out.  When I get back from NC, I’m finding a counselor. I’m not telling the counselor what I do and I’m going to listen and learn.  I want to be a patient and not a colleague. (I actually have an appt. for Dec. 1st with Russell's therapist. He seems to really like him and we tend to like the same people. )
Better things are out there for me. Now that I’ve let go of all the bad, negative, toxic crap, it will come in time. I’m oddly sitting here in a pretty good place at the moment. I feel free, truly free this time.  I was sad yesterday that it all came to a screeching halt, but today I’m realizing that none of the things that I thought were bringing me happiness were and I’m excited to see what the universe has in store (mostly, because I anticipate some more drama out of this first…).


  1. Jules, I've been following you and your friends' blog for a while now. Please don't take offense to this but my wife has been professional diagnosed as a sex addict. I alone wish I had the strength to leave her when she was acting out. Your discovery of Owen's herpes rang with me as my wife in her inpatient "spill your guts" confessional to me said that she finally realized she needed intense inpatient help was when she was about to have unprotected sex with a guy she just met in a bar the night before (they were nude on his sofa) admitted to her that he had herpes. (I have started to journal about my experiences on http://mywifeisasexaddict.blogspot.com/)
    Not that you are a sex addict, but look at this as a HUGE wakeup call and a step to committing to healthy relationships for yourself first, as well as your family and your future. Best of luck and good health.

  2. Could this story have any more twists and turns? IDK but wow. I'm glad you feel like you've gotten some much needed perspective. I really hope Gavin gives up the harrassment soon. He needs to go the hell away!

    As for feeling like a bad mom the last year, don't be too hard on yourself. I've definitely done things that after the fact made me question just who in the hell I thought I was. Going through seperation/divorce is hard on even the strongest, most well adjusted person. The thing to focus on now is what you want to change and how you want to be different. And for the record I don't think you've been a shitty mom.


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  4. I'm so sorry Jules. What a messed-up, twisted position to find yourself in. And how disappointing that the two "men" in your life turned out to be such whiny, cry-baby boys :-( Gavin is particularly disappointing... for such a wild and macho guy, to act like SUCH a drama queen over all of this... like a spoiled child who didn't get his way. Don't live this lifestyle if you're not crystal clear on what the risks to your health and relationships it is. Ugh.

    According to the CDC, 57.7% of the American population would test seropositive to HSV1 antibodies. 59.5% of all females in the USA would. Only 20-40% of carriers ever develop symptoms. Just remember that if you've been exposed, that does NOT make you a genital herpes carrier. You haven't been exposed to anything worse than every kid you've ever know who gets cold sores in the winter. I can't imagine how terrible you must be feeling right now, but remember that it could have been something as simple as having a lover, who once had a lover, who used get cold sores once in awhile. HSV1 is no more an STD than the common cold is.

    I'll keep my fingers crossed that this continues to be nothing. Even if it's possible you may one day get cold sores below the waist though, remember that the worse part is really just getting over the psychological stigma associated with it. To paraphrase Dan Savage:

    "It’s never life-threatening, and it’s possible to go years without any outbreaks. While incurable, if you do get infected all you'll have is a treatable, sexually transmitted infection that tens of millions of other Americans "suffer" from. Most infected people show no symptoms, and most don't know they have it. For herpes "sufferers" who do experience symptoms, it's generally no more serious than the occasional outbreak, and having to take one or two pills a day. That's it, that's the most serious total physical impact herpes thanks to modern medicine."

    He was talking about HSV2 at the time, far worse than what Owen was exposed to. I know right now that might not make you feel a ton better, but I hope it's something :-(

  5. Also, if Russell's the kind of guy I imagine he is, I highly doubt anything that comes out of Gavin's mouth could affect your guy's relationship. I kind of doubt Russell would listen to anything he has to say anyways.

    What part of CA is Gavin from anyways? He reminds me of an asshole I used to know, once upon a time.

  6. @Husband, I think I definitely have some sexual addiction issues. I plan to discuss that with my therapist in time.

    @Ethan, Gavin is actually from NJ (which should have been my sign!), but lived in Malibu/LA for years before moving to HI about 15 years ago.
    Russell is totally the type of guy that will ignore anything that leaves Gavin's mouth and Gavin knows that. He quickly moved off that as a threat. I don't know if that was under Damien's influence or his realization that Russell really hates him. Thank you for the HSV-1 info. My dr. was totally unconcerned and they are only doing the test b/c I've insisted so many times now.
    @Miranda, I love you more than wine for your confidence in my parenting skills, but I definitely think I could be doing a MUCH better job and will be now that all this crap isn't inside my head too.