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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Getting Back on Track


So I had a wee bit of crazy sneak in this weekend.  Friday night I went to bed and everything felt fine with Peabody.  Saturday morning I woke up paralyzed with the idea that he didn’t like me as much as I like him. Where did this devilish little thought come from?  I have no freaking clue. It certainly wasn’t because of anything he did or didn’t do.

That day I had to work a large part of it so I didn’t see him until the night.  That period of absence seemed to make my crazy grow exponentially. It resulted in me being stilted and awkward that whole night and a good portion of Sunday.  Peabody asked me several times if I was having fun(we were at a concert) and if everything was ok and I valiantly tried to paint a “I’m not freaking out” smile on my face and act normal but judging from the number of times he asked I’m pretty sure I failed.

Sunday evening I was at home and got determined to squash this weird insecurity I was feeling by just addressing it with him.  I’d thought about doing that for the previous 24 hours but every time I even thought of forming those kinds of words I swear my throat closed up.  I put my big girl panties on and went over to his house rehearsing my speech the whole way.  I marched up to the door with determination, knocked on it, and immediately lost all my words when he opened the door.  We just messed around his house for a bit and then settled down to watch a new show I’m obsessed with – Sons of Anarchy.  I’m only to season three so no spoilers you freaks!

I was half watching and half arguing with myself to just talk to him.   In the episode we were watching the girlfriend of one of the main characters had a mini-meltdown because she was feeling insecure about their future.  Given my state of mind it made me laugh. Peabody looked at me, paused the show and pretty much demanded to know what was wrong with me.

After a few false starts and stops I managed to string together a garbled string of phrases that probably sounded like, “Umm, errr, well I’m a freak. And umm, well I know I’ve been acting weird.  Errr, ugh, and see ummm, I feel insecure for some reason but it’s not because of anything you’ve done. I’m just ummm, a freak.  Meep meep booble booble I don’t like feeling vulnerable and that’s how I feel.  I’m a freak!”
We had a semi-civilized short conversation after that about how we both have been through a lot in the last few years and have our guards up and we need to start talking more about that stuff so we can head off things like this in the future.  I felt immensely relieved that he neither left a Peabody size hole in the door as he ran down the street away from my craziness nor did he shoot down my feelings and try to trivialize them.

I immediately felt relieved. Immensely.  I’ve been trying to think where this insecurity came from because as I said before it’s not because of anything he’s said or done.  Peabody treats me better than anyone ever has and though neither of us are ready to talk “emotions” every single thing he does shows me he cares about me and thinks about me all the time. 

Most of Monday my dad was very present in my mind and it got to me towards the evening.  I was really missing him and a little upset.  Despite my inner demons saying to keep it to myself I told my sister, Jules, Gwyn, and even Peabody how I was feeling.  I had a nice little pity party for a while as I lay buried under my down comforter when I had an epiphany.

My feelings of insecurity have very little if anything to actually do with Peabody. They are because we’re approaching the three year anniversary of my dad’s suicide.  He was my rock.  My shelter from the storm. He was the person I went to for advice, when I needed a shoulder to lean on, or when I just needed to feel safe and secure.  When he died, all that went away (which explains a lot about why I ran so fast and hard from my sham of a marriage).  And since then, I really haven’t felt very secure in anyone.  Dealing with Coach’s lying BS for so long just compounded the problem. 

So it’s like here I sit with a guy and situation that seems almost too good to be true, with everything moving along at an appropriate normal (and very different) pace for myself and it scares the ever living shit out of me to think that it could all be pulled out from under me in a heartbeat.  You would think by now I’d have a little more grasp on all the crazy things that grief and the emotional trauma of my dad’s death do to me but I guess maybe I’d just gotten comfortable and forgot about those lurking demons. 

I know with time I’ll find a way to feel more secure. And I think actually I have made strides since my whole grounding incident earlier this year.  Peabody knows the bare outline of what happened but I probably need to find it within myself to talk to him in more detail about how much it affected me and still affects me to this day. I still have a long way to go but I do think I’m on the right path now.

Miranda

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Breaking News

Things have been an amazing whirlwind with The Fisherman that I don't even know where to start since I've been without my computer and the ability to blog regularly. First of all, let's start with Owen. I saw him last week and felt so incredibly guilty that I just knew I couldn't do it again. He texted me about meeting up last Friday and I told him I could not and that I'd met someone who was rocking my world and I needed time to explore that. He was sweet about it and told me I totally deserve someone awesome in my life. Oddly his reaction made it harder, but I did it. I freaked out a little and cried afterwards, but I felt like it was totally the right decision. He texted me again last night and I stood firm telling him I seriously need some time. He said he's willing to give me that and if I want to ever see him, he will be waiting. I don't do goodbyes, ever. I suck at that so I've just put him on hold but have been very open about my feeling for The Fisherman. I think it's challenging for him b/c in Owen's eyes this just came out  of no where.

Ok, so The Fisherman is just simply put the most awesome guy I've ever met. He adores me and has said as much and I'm not freaking out like I normally do. I honestly see myself with him and it makes me insanely happy. I was talking to my mom last night about him and she said that she has never, ever seen me so happy and has definitely never, ever heard me talk about a guy like this. I sent her pics and she's circulating them through NC as I type. We spend as much time as we possibly can together b/w work and Chloe. Chloe is dying to meet him and I talked to my mom about this last night too for some good ole motherly advice b/c I am adamantly opposed to introducing her to every guy that comes along. My mother eased a lot of my concerns and for those curious minds, Chloe and The Fisherman will probably meet sometime next month. She has fall break next week and will be at her auntie's while I work, so I think the week after that I may have him over for dinner. My mother retold the story of meeting me last night on the phone and it actually made me a little teary. (It's PMS week though and I'm crying like a baby over everything.) When I was 3, my parents met (I say parents b/c my bio mom is an addict and we have no contact except her internet stalking) and the night I met my mom she came to the house and I opened the door and said "I'm Jules, you must be (her name). Daddy is making pizzas.". So, she told me that Chloe and I simply must make pizzas for him.

Enough with the sappy stuff though, I am honestly on this emotional high with him but I'll share some of the sexual details with you too. Who was amazing enough in bed to take me away from Owen? This guy! People, we have sex an insane amount. He loves sex as much as I do and is totally open and into doing all kinds of things. On days we are off or alone, we will have sex 4-5 times a day...a day. He loves my toys, he loves anal (even me playing with him some which is taking some getting used to but I'm finding very erotic), he loves spanking me, he loves my tits, and he will go down on me for hours. I have never seen a man cum like he does too. He cums in massive amounts, which I find oddly very satisfying. We fuck like crazy and make love for hours. He has a very active fantasy imagination, so I can only imagine things are going to get better and better. In and out of bed, we talk about everything. I feel so comfortable and open with him. Stay tuned to see how this all plays out, but rest assured Jules is one happy camper right now!
-Jules

Friday, September 21, 2012

Lovin' You Is Easy


I feel like I’m starting to sound like a broken record but really things with Peabody continue to be just freaking great.  It’s no drama, no pressure, no craziness.  Just peaceful and fun and incredibly easy. 

It’s funny, I’ve been used to guys who tend to jump right in to their emotions – re both Coach and The Christian told me they loved me early on, like within just a couple weeks.  Peabody is different.  He readily admits he has a guard up but he’s been letting it down slowly and surely.  Which makes me relax and feel like I can let my guard down and just be me and not go into my crazy Miranda-ness where I try to be the perfect person for the other person.

Other than compliments and saying how much I impress him all the time or that he likes being with me we haven’t even toed a “feelings” discussion yet.  And I’m frankly ok with that. I feel like I’m actually having the chance to really get to know him without worrying about attaching a name to my emotions And despite a few moments of insecurity because things weren’t named emotion wise, everything he does shows me how much he likes me which is so incredibly reassuring.

Side note because it fits and because country music drives Jules crazy – there’s a song on the radio that has summed up my shift in emotions very well. It’s Lovin’ You Is Fun by Easton Corbin.  It’s become my moments of insecurity song haha.  


Lately I’ve been thinking about how in large part the last few years have felt like my life was on pause.  And sometimes like I was even living someone else’s life with all the going out and partying and shenanigans.  It’s not to say that I haven’t had a blast, because well hell it’s been like reverting back to my 20s and living the life like I imagined I would have.  Rather it’s like I’ve been waiting for the next part of my life to start.  And every time I’m with Peabody, whether we’re out to dinner with friends or up in the mountains or at a concert or just sitting on the couch watching a movie – I can’t help but feel like this is what my life is supposed to be like.  This is what I’ve been trying to find. This is the place where I fit in best.  This lifestyle is what I’ve been wanting and what I’m ready for.    


Miranda

Friday, September 14, 2012

Swimmingly Well


Things are amazing with the Fisherman and yes, I'm going to use all the fishing titles I can think of. He is so good to me and I’ve loved spending time with him this week. He came over Tuesday night and bought me my favorite wine, flowers, and a super sweet card. It was a little sappy for Jules, but I have to admit I kind of liked it. We hung out and talked and then had amazing sex. He had to leave for work at 4:30am, so I let him stay and we woke up and had more amazing sex before he left. He lets me do whatever I want to with his cock, so this is working out nicely.  I think we both have a case of puppy love and it’s definitely the kind of a puppy in heat.
He came back over last night and we laid in my bed watching a TV show we both like. He did something last night that I’ve never seen in all my years of sex.  He went down on me and fingered my kitty and my ass for a while until I had quite a few super intense orgasms. Then we had sex and he wanted anal sex, so I gave it him. I came a bunch more and then he wanted me to suck him. I did and he came and then he stopped for just a little bit and then he came a second time. He called it a double orgasm. I’ve never seen a guy do that.  I’ve made men cum twice minutes apart, but never seconds apart. The first one stopped though, so it wasn’t like one long continuous one.
Today he’s taking my car to fix the tires. He’s just one of those guys that likes to take care of you. He’s very self sufficient, he’s not an addict, and he’s not an asshole. I’ve stumbled into unknown waters. Chloe accidentally saw him last night and then stalked him this morning. We had the alarm set for him to get up way before she does for school, but she came into my room last night when she knocked something over in her room and scared herself. She didn’t mention seeing him then, so I thought perhaps I was in the clear b/c it was really dark in my room. This morning he’s kissing me and leaving and walks out and then walks right back in to tell me that Chloe is sitting on the couch playing with shells and saw him. Dude, that kid stalked him. He asks me what to do and I told him to just go ahead and leave and I would handle it.
He left and in she bolted. She told me (all jacked up) that she never really went back to sleep last night and that she’s been up since 6:15am getting ready for school and eating breakfast and that she wanted to surprise me. Oh she surprised me alright! Then she says, “Um Mom you have some explaining to do”. I laughed at the way she said it and when I didn’t reply immediately she said, “I’m waiting…not getting any younger over here!”. I told her that his name is The Fisherman and that he’s a really nice guy that Mommy is dating and likes a lot. I told her that I’m not ready for her to meet him yet though and that I was sorry she had seen him. It turns out she did see him in bed last night and then went back to her dad’s room where she’s sleeping and looked outside and saw another car in the driveway. She totally stayed up to stake him out and catch him leaving. We were outsmarted by a 9 year old! Her main concern is that he’s not like Gavin. I assured her that he’s the exact opposite of Gavin. Then she dropped it and we went on about our morning. I think it freaked him out, but I assured him things were ok.
He told me today that I’m someone he sees himself falling in love with and oddly, I didn’t freak out. I have warned him that I go all commitment crazy and freak out after a while. Because he is so open and upfront about his feelings and is actually available, I may not with him. It’s funny b/c I damn sure wasn’t looking for a bf, but I think I’ve got one coming on. Chloe is spending the weekend at her auntie’s house and we are planning to spend a lot of the weekend together.
Russell is in China and doing really well. I did email him today and told him about the accidental meeting. He knew about The Fisherman before he left, so he didn’t really reply about it. I guess that means he’s whatever about it and is leaving it to me to handle.  Until this morning, I thought I was kicking ass at this single parent thing. I guess we all have good days and bad days parenting. Clearly last night and this morning were parenting fails. Thankfully, she never came across the Chilean so she doesn’t think I’ve seen anyone since Gavin. When I was talking to her about it this morning, she made some comment about how I don’t have a lot of boyfriends so this is ok with her.  I sure am glad that is her perception!!!
-Jules

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Peace of Mind


Aside from my crazy insecurity a week ago things have continued to be awesome with Peabody.  We spent almost all of the weekend together and I continue to be so pleased at how easy and peaceful everything is with him.

At different points last week he very briefly met my mom and I met his dad one night at his house.  We spent a couple nights during the week together and a couple apart which gave me the perfect amount of alone time though quite honestly I don’t feel an overwhelming need for “alone” time since he’s not ass-crazy like The Christian was. 

Friday we went to a film festival and out to a late dinner.  He stayed at my house for the first time all night and we woke up and lay in bed for a couple hours talking and snuggling and having fantastic morning sex.  Saturday day we went to a friend of his’s store that was having a three year celebration (it’s a beer place and I drank watermelon beer – yep as strange as it sounds) and then cooked dinner with some other friends and watched a movie.  Sunday I ran some errands and cleaned up my house then ended up going back over to his house to help him cook chicken stew for a big group of friends who all came over and watched football.

Yep Miranda voluntarily watched football. I’m pretty sure hell froze over.  And honestly I didn’t mind it too much, well not for the first hour or so then I got bored and had to focus on finding other ways to entertain myself.

Things are just progressing really nice and easy with him.  I’m definitely feeling way more comfortable (re: less insecure) especially since we just had the “we’re only seeing each other” talk though it was not a girlfriend/boyfriend talk by any means.  Our kids have met each other too at this point and they get along very well.  Ladybug is so happy to finally have another girl to play with lol.   

I haven’t seen him much this week since I have the kids so I’m feeling more than a little randy. Last night he worked late and then went to dinner with some of his staff and I dirty Facebooked him.  I had to Facebook him because I’ve been having technical difficulties with my phone.  It was actually the first time I’ve really talked dirty like that with him.  Facebook sex is interesting to say the least.  It was a first for sure.  He said it was super hot but it made sitting at dinner a little awkward because he was so turned on and distracted lol.

This thing with Peabody is not like anything I’ve ever experienced.  He’s just a great all around guy and I definitely feel safe to say I adore being with him!

Miranda

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

First Time

Last night was date 3 with The Fisherman and it was great. By "date", I mean he came over for wine on the porch after Chloe was asleep. We sat out there for a while drinking and talking and then we moved inside where he ravished me with kisses and I lead him into my bedroom. I actually have a love-hate relationship with new, first time sex. If it's a one night stand, I don't care. If it's someone I think I might like, it's nerve wrecking because if the sex sucks, I'm out.

I'm not out with The Fisherman. It was great sex. He's not hung like Owen, of course most men aren't, but he's average size and he pleasured me like crazy. We had sex for a while and then he finally came (love these men in their 40s with amazing stamina!) and we went to sleep around 2:30am. I woke up about 5:45am to him watching me sleep. Since he fishes, he's usually up and out the door around 4am so I don't think he slept much. I spoke and kissed him and he started caressing me and the next thing I knew he was on top of me in between my legs fucking me again. I had clarified that waking me up is not ok, but waking me up for sex is always allowed.

After, he laid there and held me and started playing with my nipples, which you all know drives me crazy. I was all ready to go again, but the alarm sounded for my wake up to start being a mom and employee, so I got him out of the door and woke Chloe. It was a long, hard day on just over 3 hours of sleep, but it was worth it!
-Jules

Friday, September 7, 2012

Rise and Shine for Owen Appreciation Day

I had the pleasure of dropping Chloe off at school this morning and then coming home to Owen! He came over for some super hot sex before work this morning. Sex in the morning has never been my favorite, mostly b/c I'm not a morning person but if I started my day like this every day I think that would change!

I had told him today was Owen Appreciation Day. I have 2 Jules Appreciation Days a year, one in the spring and 1 in the fall. Honestly, any sex day with him is also a Jules Appreciation Day. He had texted me yesterday about seeing me today and had asked if he could just come in today and have his way with me. Why yes, yes you can...anytime. I LOVE when he just takes control of me, but he usually does things he knows I like. He did things I loved today, but they weren't part of his "normal".

I bought a hot new toy from Eden Fantasys that I'll tell you about soon. It's glass and huge, like a scepter. I showed him yesterday during sexting and he was intrigued. He came in and climbed on top of me in my bed and kissed me while rubbing his hard cock on me. Then he sat up on his knees and spanked my kitty with his  cock. It felt good and he seemed to really enjoy doing it. I'm not sure why, but it was his day. I had the new toy inside me and I'd told him yesterday that I didn't know if I could take him and it at the same time. Well that was clearly a challenge. He totally showed me that I could and it produced some crazy intense orgasms. Finally, he pulled out after I'd cum a million times already and propped me up on some pillows and entered my ass with the toy still in my kitty. OMG...awesome!! He had my legs up and was kissing my calves and fucking the holy hell out of me until he pulled out and came all over my kitty. Good lord, even on Owen Appreciation Day he satisfies me to no end!

We jumped in the shower and he lathered me up and kissed me and washed my entire body for me. We haven't done that in a while...so sensual. He told me during this that after today he didn't know if "normal" sex would be enough for me again. LOL, it's kind of not with other guys but I assured him his "normal" is quite awesome and pleasures me endlessly!
-Jules

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Short Men

I  recently posted about The Fisherman and came under fire from an anonymous reader, who decided to fire  back regarding my height preferences with comments about my age. Whatever. I'm old and hot and I can get guys that are young enough to be my son and old enough to be my dad. When that stops, I'll worry. Until then, I do NOT have age issues. I have LOVED my 30s. My mom says it keeps getting better, but I think that may be a lie she tells herself. We'll see.
 
Anyway, The Fisherman is clearly smitten and I've weighed it all out. His only con on the pro-con list that I am currently aware of is his height. Seriously, that's all (as of now). He's super cute, oh so sweet, a great cook, has an ocean front condo 5 minutes from my house which he said he would like to buy so clearly he has money (as in tried to make an offer on but she didn't want to sell), no ex wife, no kids...I'm going to try again. I'm going to try to work through my shallowness and see what happens. I may not be able to, but I think it may be worth the effort. Typically you have to be at least 5'9" to ride this ride. Owen is like 6'3" and I love standing on my tippy toes and him bending down to kiss me. 
 
As I was thinking about this I was reflecting on a funny one night stand that I had a few years ago. I can't remember if I blogged it, but if I did it was 2 years ago, so I'll tell it again. (I'm old, I can't remember...lol.) I was bored one night and on CL and ran across an ad that looked just like Owen's cock. I mean just like it. I emailed the person assuming it was him and blasted him for posting. Of course the irony was I was looking, but thankfully it was a non issue b/c it was not Owen. It was a well known surfer here in Hawaii. We chatted some and he came over. When I opened the door, I was surprised to find a guy about my height b/c at the time I didn't know who he was. I was worked up, he was cute enough, and I decided wth. I'm glad I did b/c he broke my myth. That man was HUNG, like Owen kind of hung...hence why I had thought the pic was Owen. I swear they could cock shot double for each other, which is odd b/c I've never seen two that were so similar. 
 
All kidding aside, I'm going to work to get over my height thing, but if he has a little dick I can't get over that. There are some things in life that I'm not willing to compromise on and that is one of them. I'm sorry but the motion of the ocean doesn't rock my world. 
-Jules

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Battling


I’ve been struck with weird and random feelings of insecurity.  They snuck up on me Monday evening and I’ve been battling those assholes every since.  Monday night Peabody and I were laying on the couch watching TV and out of nowhere the evil thoughts pounced.  I have no idea why but I lay there riddled with anxiety for the rest of the night and hell if it didn’t even let me sleep peacefully. 

Let me be clear in saying that NOTHING Peabody has done provoked this.  He’s been freaking great.  Calls, texts, invites me to do stuff all the time, obviously wants to spend time with me, obviously very attracted to me, gives me compliments all the time, etc.  Really there’s been not one single thing that’s made me question him or how he feels about me.  And while we do spend a lot of our free time together, we are both very good about taking time for ourselves and we're not rushing anything (a'la The Christian).

I guess maybe it’s just that I like him, a lot, and this feels really good and grown up and “normal” which means that if it doesn’t work it’s going to hurt – likely very bad.  I guess it’s the perilous fear of putting yourself out there and taking a risk.  I've enjoyed spending time with Peabody since the beginning but as I'm getting to know him more and more it's really making my feelings grow. And really since Coach I haven’t put myself out there. Oh I damn sure tried time and time again but because I never really dealt with the death of that relationship it was keeping me from being able to really feel anything for anyone else.

Last night I had dinner with Peabody and a friend of his and I could feel myself being awkward because of the insecurity. I had to give myself a stern talking to and just faked being ok until I felt ok.  Last night I was laying in bed and decided I just need to squash this junk. There’s absolutely no reason to feel insecure so I just need to let it all go.  And I’m happy to report I’m doing much better with that today!

Miranda

Monday, September 3, 2012

50 Shades of Bored


So today I’m busting ass on the elliptical when I see this “new” daytime show. New to me because dammit I’m a working woman and not a lovely stay at home bon-bon eating mom (kidding ladies! Put away the pitch forks and torches – I’d trade places with you in a heartbeat if I had the chance).  So on the Good Afternoon show (apparently an addendum to Good Morning America) they cited a very unscientific British study saying that sales of lingerie are up by some fantastical amount.  They credit this to the publishing and rabid reading of none other than 50 Shade of Grey.

Now I’ve read these books and though they were decent. Sure the writing was a bit juvenile and the whole “inner goddess” “inner conscious” thing got old and overplayed but the sex scenes were enjoyable hot. Now mind you I was dating The Christian and having fantastic sex at the time so while the scenes were hot, they weren’t this explosively hot thing everyone billed them to be.

My own mother said she got turned on (ewwwwwwww) at the book!  Every female I knew said they liked it.  When Jules told me she was going to read them, I had to level with her and say that there wasn’t much if anything in that book she hadn’t already tried. I imagine if you had a pretty vanilla sex life it was more amped up and hotter than it was for me since I’ve walked on the wild side a bit. 

I digress, so after seeing that “news” story today I was a bit miffed.  The whole link behind the kinky sex in 50 Shades is that the guy – Christian – was severely as a child and that led him down this path to sadistic sex to fulfill some need he has in his life.  Don’t worry, that’s not a spoiler people, you’ve still got lots of goodies to uncover if 50 Shades is high on you to do list. 

But after I saw that story this morning it irked me a bit.  I feel like all these white-bread vanilla sexed folks are going to link being kinky to having some psychological issue.  Now granted for many people engaged in freaky deaky sex there is an underlying issue for there are plenty of regular old people like me who just enjoy the off the cuff wild night of sex.  I can assure you with complete truth that I was neither neglected or abused as a child and my enjoyment of some rough play and bondage has nothing to do with a deep seeded physiological issue in my psyche.

I just don’t think its fair the general public “discovering” kinky fuckery at the hands of 50 Shades is going to have that link to it. I wish the author had just made it something he enjoyed rather than a response to his childhood neglect.

A funny side note – this morning I was perusing a couple sex toy websites and funnily enough they were all selling the 50 Shades of Grey books.  Gave me a good morning chuckle.

Miranda

PS – Yep I was a little drunk when I wrote this.  Hoorah for drunk blogging!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Fishing

Last night I went out with the fisherman. He's cute, but he's about an inch taller than I am. I just can't do it. I've tried to not be shallow, but I like tall men. I just do. If you're short, I'm sorry but it doesn't make me into you regardless of how cute, hot, funny, etc you may be. He is super sweet, funny, a great cook, and adorable. If he were about 6" taller, hell even 4-5", I'd be all over it. His place is oceanfront right near me. He has a boat that he could and has offered to take me out on. He seems to have money and his roommate has commissary access. There are so many good traits, but sadly I cannot get past the height.

While I was with him, The Chilean texted me to ask if my phone was working. He said he's been calling. Funny, other people have been calling me and getting through. He asked what I was doing and I lied a little. I just said I was having dinner with a friend. He invited me to come hang out at this local bar and see a band, so when I left The Fisherman I drove by but couldn't find him and it was late, so I went home.

It was a fairly uneventful Saturday night with no kid, but I did get an amazing dinner and some fun conversation. I'd like to just be friends with him, but rarely does that work out.
-Jules