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Friday, December 30, 2011

Sexting, Dreams, and Auto Correct

The last two nights have been filled with fabulous sexting with Owen, but not without some crazy dreams and a hilarious iPhone auto correct mishap. Last night was filled with some super hot, naughty requests followed with steamy pictures and some fucked up dreams. I was smoking on the porch during sexting time with Owen and came in to finish our convo pretty damn high. I fell asleep late and when I did, I had an intense all night dream about Owen's wife catching us and exposing us to his kids!

He and I sexted for hours last night in lieu of me being there with him. We started while Russell and Gwyn were at work. They unexpectedly came home early and I had to jump up and clean up and explain to him why no more visuals would be coming his way for a little bit. He sent me requests to do things he's never asked before and wanted me to "entertain myself" while I was hanging out with Gwyn drinking (he doesn't know I smoke). Gwyn, no worries I didn't do the things he asked, but I just told him I did and then once I was back in my room it was ON. It was so good, it was almost like we were together. I used my gift cards from Eden Fantasys to buy some amazing new toys and I modeled them for him last night over and over again. I also used my Xmas money from my MIL to buy Owen and I the We Vibe, but I'm waiting for him to come home to use it.

So, the dream...I fell asleep so damn happy and satisfied, but it seems my conscious wanted to play a role. I dreamed that I was riding with him in his van and he was driving and I was in the passenger seat. His wife was in the back and was trying to make a phone call. (Please note that while I know who she is, she and I have never met.) She couldn't get through on the phone she was using, so I offered her mine. I had not erased the texts from Owen from the night before and in my dream, she found them while using my phone! She flew hot and we were finally able to calm her down after I came clean about our affair but promised that I wasn't trying to take him away from his family. Then she made me stay there with them and do family things with them, like take their son to this surf competition. It was so freaking surreal. I woke up this morning to a text from him responding to all the pictures I'd sent last night and a 'wtf, did the dream really happen????' moment. It took me a good hour to come down from the dream. At the end of the dream, she was no longer mad but still making me attend all these family events which included a tour of their house and she told the daughter that I was the woman fucking her dad. It was insane.

Tonight I get a text from Owen telling me how worked up he is again looking at all the pictures and texts from last night. I responded with some things and he sent me a text that was supposed to end with "You are so HOT!!" Instead, it read "HOG". Followed very quickly by a "OMG I meant HOT...haha". Then another that read "Damn Autocorrect!!!!!". I was laughing my ass off (apparently my fat ass) and after giving him a little bit of hell, I told him I was in hysterics.

We followed this with another few hours of sexting and pictures and plans to meet up at my house on Sunday while Chloe is at a birthday party, Russell is working, and Gwyn is with McDreamy in Maui. This man makes me so very hot and wet and I'm really hoping we can pull that off!!! They say that what you are doing New Year's Day is what you will be doing all year. I'm wishing for hot sex with Owen and a beautiful beach day. I'm about to fall asleep now and I'm praying my stupid conscious stays out of my dreams tonight!
-Jules

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

If At First You Don't Succeed....

Well I’ve got two dates lined up for the next few days. A pilot tonight and a construction guy Friday night. Whoever gives me the better night gets New Years Eve. But that’s not the point of this post, nor it is to fill you in on details about these guys who odds are will turn out to be duds. But I’m ok with those odds. Those odds are the very thing I want to talk about.

As people in real life get to know me more and hear about some of my dating exploits, I get asked why I date so much. Why I keep putting myself back out there enduring an array of weirdos, freaks, emotional gimps, mama’s boys, oddballs, etc. The reason is I believe there somewhere out there, there’s a guy for me. A guy who is going to sweep my off my feet and be most, if not all, of the things I dream about. And if I’m sitting at home, how am I ever going to meet him?

For every book/person/movie that tells you to just get out there and meet people, let me tell you what, it just doesn’t happen that way. In the last two years I’ve dated – A LOT. Like a hundred dates at least. For real. Even with a 7 month relationship thrown in there with Coach. And I have yet to meet one person who has asked me out in the grocery store or at work or at the gym or any other random place so called “experts” tell you go to. Online dating – yes, bars/clubs – yes, any venue that encourages drinking – absolutely. I’ve had friends set me up but even those meet and greets occurred in a bar or club. I did get asked out some when I was bartending at those work concerts last summer but again, drinking was involved on the guys part, well and mine too haha.

And after 10 years of Miranda sitting at home with Duckie, I just don’t want to sit at home by myself. It doesn’t mean I can’t, lord knows I’ve learned to appreciate my time alone at home. Hell some nights I crave nothing more than to veg out on my couch with my cat and a night full of Netflix all by myself. But at the same time, if I believe in the fairy tale and still want it (which of course I do) I’ve got to sort through a lot of frogs to find my prince. And if dating really is just a numbers game like all the experts say, this girl has got to be about to hit the jackpot one way or another.

Texting with Gwyn today she said I’ve come full circle from dating machine to girlfriend to celibate ex-girlfriend back to dating machine. And she’s right but damn it somebody has to be the dating girl of the trio. If I can carry the mantle of the party girl I sure can care the mantle of the dating machine! At least this time its the celibate party girl/dating machine!

Miranda

PS - Edited to add the pilot was a bust.  He showed up looking a good 5-10 years older in person. He actually asked me if I thought he looked like his pics because my face looked shocked when I saw him.  He said they were about a year old but I call major bullshit. Felt like I was at dinner with my grampy and not just because he was wearing a cosby sweater....

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Stupidity of Some People

It amazes me sometimes, really. I don't know why, but I thought once I ended things with Gavin that I would finally not have to deal with him and I definitely didn't think I would continue to blog about him, but his latest and greatest has provided me with some amusement today. Again, he's a freaking moron.

I was working out with Damien this morning and he said Gavin came by yesterday with a message for me. I laughed and said "Oh, really...well, keep it to yourself b/c I don't care.". He said he comes by frequently with messages for me, but Damien doesn't relay them. Then, he proceeded to tell me that Gavin had come by the day before with a hot Brazilian girl on the back of his bike. That damn bike was always a point of contention for us b/c he hated I wouldn't ride on it. Damien pointed out that the girl wasn't hotter than I am, which also cracked me up b/c I do not care. He could be fucking a supermodel for all I care. Anyway, he told Damien right in front of the girl to tell Jules that he'd been by with her. Damien said he felt so sorry for the girl b/c after that statement she clearly realized she was merely a pawn. Damien apologized to her and said to Gavin "So, you want me just to tell Jules that you came by with this girl on your bike??" Gavin said he did and left. Dude, I don't fucking care. Damien said clearly he had it bad for me, but he just couldn't give up the gf and his addictions to be with me. Whatever...I'm over it. Sadly, he no longer thinks Gavin is moving. I told him I would buy Gavin a one ticket anywhere he wants to go if he promises to never, ever come back.

As I'm laying on the beach after my workout, Owen starts texting me about hooking up. I broke it to him that I couldn't come to Kauai. He took it well b/c I blamed it all on Russell's schedule. Then he asks what I'm up to today. I told him where I way laying out with Chloe and when I left laying out, his van was parked right at the entrance to the beach access. I was totally tripping out and asked him what he was doing. He said he'd come up there to drop off a Xmas gift and was going to try to come back and see me. As of right now, I don't think it's going to happen today, but holy shit his timing was weird being right there where I was at that time. We were already texting...wouldn't you have said "Oh btw, I'm right here"?
-Jules

Let's Not Spend The Night Together

I have issues...I know this. I'm mostly ok with them, until they rear their ugly heads...haha. Last night, Owen texted me and said he may have a side job on Kauai this week (Wed-Sat) and asked me if he could fly me over for a night of hot hotel sex if the job goes down. I immediately responded "OMG YES!!" b/c one of my issues is that I'm incredibly impulsive. We texted back and forth about it and the only day that I could do it would have been Wednesday b/c of Russell's work schedule. He said that would be awesome and we agreed I'd fly over that evening right after work and come home first thing Thursday morning so I could watch Chloe since school is out and so he could go to work.

Then, I woke up this morning to a "Call me" text from Russell. It seems he had to demote one of his managers and ended up having to open and close his store today and was telling me about all the other schedule changes that will happen this week, including closing Wednesday night now. I hadn't even had a chance to bring up the possible trip. It was totally a sign from the universe.

I can fuck someone forever and never fall in love with them, but I have HUGE commitment issues as we've established. For me, sex is pure recreational fun. Sleeping with someone is a whole other ballgame though. I've been with Owen sexually for almost 3 blissful years. I love fucking him. The sex is the best ever and I like him, but he's married with 2 kids so I've never allowed myself to develop any feelings for him beyond this or even think about taking our relationship past just pure sex. Spending the night with him in a hotel room in Kauai would have been a very, very dangerous territory for me to have entered. I find sleeping with someone a very intimate experience and I attach feelings to this act. I think when Gavin started sleeping over is when I started having feelings for him. I also remember the first time I ever slept at Clark's house. Russell and I were still in the open marriage phase of our relationship where we were not intending to get divorced. I called him the next morning sobbing that I felt like I'd cheated on him b/c I spent the night there. He didn't get it all.

I imagine that these are all my own special issues as I assume that most of the world is quite ok sleeping with someone they are having sex with, but unless we're in some semblance of an actual relationship...let's not. I'm thankful that I have Russell's schedule to fall back on as as excuse if in fact Owen does go to Kauai this week, because I'm pretty sure he would think I'm a big freak if I tried to explain to him why I can't spend the night with him.
-Jules

Monday, December 26, 2011

TMI Tuesday - More Holiday Fun

For this week’s TMI Tuesday why don’t you tell us:
1. What was your favorite gift that you received (gift giving holidays Christmas, Hanukkah,Kwanzaa or heck even if you had a birthday in the month of December that can count)? 
My favorite gift was a necklace that I picked out from Chloe and Russell. My mom sent me a card that made me cry...that was a close second. She's normally pretty funny and light, but I missed being with her this year for the holidays. - Jules
I loved all of my presents I can't pick just one! - Gwyn
Definitely the video Gwyn and Jules made for me with pictures of us and all the beautiful sites in Hawaii. Gwyn sent it Christmas Eve night so it was the waiting for me when I woke up Christmas morning. It made me laugh and cry and miss them like crazy.  - Miranda
2. What was the most practical gift that you received? 
Soaps from Bath & Body Works. I love their hand soaps and it's a pain to go to the mall here and get them based on proximity. I appreciated that a lot! - Jules 
A huge beach towel that my mom gave me. -Gwyn 
A gift card to TJ Maxx from my sister so I can buy stuff for my new house! - Miranda
3. What was the silliest, most fun, crazy or impractical gift that you received? 
Chloe gave me a tin that she bought at school and inside it were plastic food items. She loved the tin, but didn't think to open it before giving it to me. The look of surprise on her face was pretty funny too. - Jules 
The re-gifted Hello Kitty pillow that I got from Chloe and her friend. I came home from being gone a couple of days and found it, fully wrapped with a card, on my bed. Jules told me it was an old pillow of Chloe's that she gave to her friend (because Jules was on a cleaning spree). Ha! Clearly that pillow belongs with Jules because it's now come full circle! -Gwyn 
My mom always gives the most random little things. This year one of my gifts was a business card holder with an enamel ladybug and flowers on the front.  It's cute but I didn't have the heart to tell her it wouldn't be replacing my dad's business card holder which I've been using since he passed away. - Miranda
4. If you had a special holiday meal, what was your favorite food?
We cooked up a storm here this weekend. I made a huge turkey dinner Christmas Eve, but my absolute favorite part of our Christmas meals is the Christmas morning Brie and Sausage Casserole. It is pure yummy goodness. Russell makes it every year and you can only have it once a year or you would die of a heart attack. - Jules 
I loved all of Jules' cooking this year! The casserole was sinful but delicious! I also really liked the nutella pumpkin pie!! -Gwyn 
We've been trying to shake up our holiday traditions so this year we did Feliz Navida and had a mexican fiesta dinner. My sister made this awesome crockpot mexican chicken that was delicious!
Bonus:  Share the recipe of your favorite food from the holiday meal. 
Here's the link. http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/brie-and-sausage-breakfast-casserole-10000000403274/ - Jules
Miranda's famous mexican corn - Link
Bonus, bonus:  Whatcha doin’ for New Year’s Eve?
Not a damn thing but sitting on my couch and watching the ball fall with Chloe and Russell. Years ago, I was a bartender and a cocktail waitress and always worked on NYE. I would see all the amateurs come out for a big night of drinking and then think they could drive home. No way, no thank you! I do not go out on NYE, St. Patrick's Day, or Halloween. - Jules 
I'm going to Maui with McDreamy for the weekend. During the day on New Year's Eve we are going whale watching and that night we're doing dinner and drinks! -Gwyn 
I'm not sure yet exactly but I will definitely be hitting the town! I spent way too many NYE bored at home while Duckie slept. - Miranda
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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

A Holiday Fail Times Two


It’s a good damn thing I have a sense of humor because I’ve had two epic dating fails this week.

First up was a very nice and fun guy I’d been talking to via text and phone.  I was on the fence about him since he wasn’t officially divorced yet but I was giving him a potential by based on his behavior.  The pictures I saw on his profile were either action shots or shots with him wearing sunglasses.  As the week went along, we sent each other a few “real time” shots but again they generally were sunglasses shots.  Come to Friday, I sent him a pic and he returned the favor.  The good news is he wasn’t wearing sunglasses; the bad news is he was so not attractive.  SO NOT ATTRACTIVE.  I choked when I saw it.  Immediately closed my phone. Then opened it back up thinking surely I’d seen wrong.  Nope, still ugly.  I forwarded it to my email because surely things will look better on the computer.  Nope, even uglier.  I’ve pretty much stopped responding to his text and he’s definitely taken the hint. Next please!

The next epic fail happened on this lovely Christmas Eve.  If you follow me on Twitter I threw out a couple hints about a hot, rich Irish guy who I’d been texting/talking to.  This afternoon we met for coffee and I swear I started looking around for candid camera.  He’s like 42, 6’5, born in Norway raised in Ireland and the US, never married/no kids, and he’s a trauma therapist.  All should be positive things but there were so many flags and fouls it’s incredibly.

First when he showed up he looked a good 10 years older than his pictures which he claims were from earlier this year.  Hells no.  He’s still attractive for an older guy but he’s not even in the same league as his pictures. 

Second he showed up in a fleece pullover and athletic shorts. People, athletic shorts are never date appropriate unless you’re meeting at the gym!  Hell man throw on a pair of jeans!

Third, unless he’s damn good at hiding his money he’s not in the income category he claims to be based solely on the superficial judgments of his car and his apartment.

Fourth, in the coffee shop when we were talking about an array of things and I was trying to reevaluate his looks, the coffee shop owner was a friend of his and gave him a box of scones.  When we headed back to his place to chat a little more, he told me the scones were for a “meeting” he had to go to later.  I swear immediately my inner self screamed, “Here it comes!” and then he said it was an AA meeting but that he’d been sober for 20 years now.  Good for him for getting and staying sober – obviously bad as a match for party girl Miranda.

Fifth as we sat and talked he put his arm around me and told me how sexy I was.  He leaned down to kiss me and it was a bad kiss.  As in he aggressively stuck his tongue in my mouth and then literally sucked my bottom lip inside his.  Not good. 

Sixth, a little while later he kissed me again and slid his hand down and started to slide it under my sweater. I stopped him and he said “Oh I wasn’t trying to feel you up, I just wanted to rub you stomach.” I told him my boundary was no skin to skin contact on a first date and he proceeded to “therapizing” with me for the next 45 minutes about how weird that boundary was and how I was fighting my instincts.  Ultimately he said he really respected how I was trying to take things slow and that his problem had always been rushing into relationships. FYI – his boundary is just not taking off underwear on a first date. HA!

Oh there were several other things but I think you catch a drift how this date went.  He did give me a ton of compliments on how good my hair was, how good it smelled, what an amazing color it was, and he offered to trim it for me – apparently he was a cosmetologist years ago.  I politely declined the hair cut.

The end of the date was us saying goodbye so he could get on to his AA meeting.  He told me how much he liked me already and that he really wanted to see me again but I needed to work on my boundary issues.  I said thanks for the advice, got in my car, and sped away considering myself lucky that I got away with all my hair intact.  

Good lord what’s a girl got to do to get a break!  At all my epic fails with dating lately I’m starting to think maybe my relationship with Coach wasn’t so bad after all! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! (Note to the girls – do not panic, that comment was for comedic effect solely.)

Miranda

PS - Coach has been Facebook messaging me throughout this week all about the holidays and how sad he is and how he wishes he could spend it with me.  I've ignored them all but I finally lost my temper with him and messaged him back and told him to knock it off and to stop going to to the gym when he knows I go.  He apologized and I haven't heard a peep from him since. 

Friday, December 23, 2011

Small Town Awkwardness and a Dose of Crazy

Yesterday morning, I saw Owen for some hot, steamy sex before the holiday weekend. Good Lord that man does amazing things to my body. The pre-workout workout worked against me this time though b/c I was so exhausted from the sex that I lacked serious energy and strength in my workout and I was 30 minutes late. I also thing one of our positions hurt me hip that made part of my workout hurt...oops!

After the workout, I was sitting at a local food truck with Gwyn and Chloe and up walks Owen's daughter with presumably her grandmother. And then a few minutes later, up walks her mom to join them....yep, small town awkwardness seeing as 3 hours before her husband had been balls deep in my kitty and my ass. I felt an odd twinge of guilt sitting there, how strange for me. It passed as soon as we left though.

The dose of crazy comes in 2 forms. The first one is Damien. He's still emailing me and talking about his feelings for me and how he loves me. I do not feed into it and usually just don't respond to those emails at all. His last one was a few nights ago and it said how hard it is to love me, but he still does and he has the patience to wait for me. Oh my...

The second form of crazy comes from none other than Gavin. He called me a few days ago and said he needed to talk to me. I was super cold and was like "what is it??". He had been calling all day from an odd number that I didn't recognize and I accidentally answered it while texting at one point. I didn't know it was him and I froze when I heard his voice. It took me a minute to respond. Then, his stupid self starts in on how I ruined him and he imagines since I seem to hate him how I probably don't want to look at his stuff any more and he wants to come (like right that nano second) to pick up his furniture and what not. I told him no. I said I would be more than happy to give him back his stuff (all of it), but Gwyn was using his dresser as he had said she could and she wasn't home and needed time to figure out something else. He seriously thought I was going to just dump her stuff out on the ground and give it back to him right then. He's a freaking moron. Anyway, it royally pissed him off because supposedly he has a friend that just arrived in town and needs furniture...not my problem. He hung up on me and tried to call back later, but I've since blocked that number too.

I realized that I can only block 5 numbers at a time, so I hope he moves soon and runs out of numbers to call me from before I run out of spaces! Although, it did occur to me that I could go back and unblock some of the previous numbers he's called from (including his own cell) and he would be too stupid to ever try to call me from them again...lol.
-Jules

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Wish Sexy

This is an Eden Fantasys sponsored post just in time for the holidays. As one sex toy lover to another, I thought I would share what amazing holiday promotions they are currently offering. You only have 4 shopping days left until Christmas or perhaps you're interested in purchasing something sexy and fun for New Year's Eve!

The current holiday theme at Eden Fantasys is Wish Sexy! I love that slogan b/c  I always do!! This site has amazing ideas for her, for him, for couples, for friends, and even a section for under $30! Score b/c let's face it, Jules is on a budget!! I didn't know this until today when I was browsing their site, but they also have a ton of non-sex toy items too. They have all kinds of make-up, bubble baths, etc. They are also offering 15-30% off based on how much you spend and free shipping deals too.

With the holidays in mind, Eden Fantasys is doing a sexy gingerbread contest! I happened to make gingerbread cookies with Chloe tonight, so here's my naughty submission. I'm sure there are people far more creative than I am, but this made me chuckle!! Do you think it's a winner?? It's a gingerbread man straddling my favorite pink vibe that was one of my previous product reviews for Eden Fantasy! I love that toy...it gives off amazing vibes! ;) Anyway I digress, submit your entry before Monday, December 26th, 2011!! Happy Holidays!
-Jules

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

TMI Tuesday - Happy Holidays

This time of year there are so many holidays and celebrations that overlap, which is why it is called Holiday Season.
1. What will you be celebrating? If it isn’t a commonly known holiday or celebration (i.e., Christmas, winter solstice, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa) briefly tell us about it.
I'm an atheist, yet I celebrate Christmas. I'm very pagan about it though and really just put up a Christmas tree, decorations, buy presents, and celebrate Santa. I use this time of year to buy gifts for people and let everyone in my life know how thankful I am for them. - Jules 
I'm celebrating Christmas though I don't get into the religious aspects of it.  The older I get the more I question stuff like that.  I believe in God but not organized religion if that makes any sense.  For me Christmas is about honoring people in your life who you love and care about. This Christmas is going to be really weird for me because it will be the first one I won't have the kids for and the first one I'll wake up alone on Christmas morning. Not looking forward to that at all.  - Miranda

I'm celebrating Christmas in Hawaii!!! Christmas has never had much of a religious meaning to me it's always been about spending time with my family and friends, eating lots of good food and giving and getting presents!  My mom had lots of little Christmas traditions when I was growing up and I can't wait to start my own now that I'll be celebrating in 80 degree weather on a tropical island! -Gwyn
2. What’s your favorite Christmas or holiday tune?
I just answered this on Osbasso's blog last night. I love, love, love the David Bowie and Bing Crosby Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy...omg awesome song. I also really love Silver Bells. - Jules 
I love Oh Holy Night. It gives me chills.  I also love I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas. - Miranda

I love "Baby It's Cold Outside". -Gwyn 
3. If you are giving or receiving gifts this holiday season:
- What’s the gift you most want?
- What do you think is the best gift you are giving?
 

I want a stand up paddle board, but since I didn't ask for one and I don't know anyone that can presently afford to buy me one, I'm hoping for a Kindle. My grandparents sent me money today, so if my Mom doesn't buy me one that's what I'm getting. The best gift I'm giving is Chloe's sunrise shell necklace. I picked out the shell at our local Farmer's Market from these guys that dive and find them around here. I'm giving her a chain to go with it that Russell gave me years ago that I don't wear anymore. She will think that is pretty cool. - Jules
I don't know that I have anything that I want.  Maybe I'm hoping that I'll magically get a big wad of cash to help pay for my townhouse or that I'll finally find someone who's not a gimp.  I got the kids some cool/fun stuff  but the funniest gift I'm giving is 5 lbs of jolly ranchers to my brother in law. Each year the adults in my family draw names and a "theme" for the gift.  This year we did the 5 senses and I got his name and taste.  - Miranda

I didn't ask for anything big this year because my mom and grandmother have helped me so much with my move to Hawaii. But par for the course, my grandmother sent me a check last week so that McDreamy and I can "do everything and anything you want in Maui." I used some of the money she sent to book tickets to go whale watching on New Year's Eve so I'd say that's the best gift I've gotten so far!!! The surprise trip to Maui from McDreamy was a pretty awesome present too! As far as what I'm giving, the funniest thing is a hula girl duster that I bought for my mom. I always give her a hard time about cleaning (we are complete opposites in that regard) and her least favorite cleaning chore is dusting...I know that hula girl is going to make her crack up. I sent everyone else goodies from Hawaii like coffee, mac nuts, etc. I'm also working on a surprise gift for Miranda!!!! -Gwyn 
4. If you could spend this December holiday season anywhere, where would that be? 
Um, I live in Hawaii...I'm perfectly happy spending it right where I am. Otherwise, I think NYC would be super fun but super cold....brrrr. - Jules
Duh Hawaii with my girls Gwyn and Jules! - Miranda

Agreed! I don't think you can ask for a better place to spend the holidays than in Hawaii. And no I do not miss seeing snow on Christmas. Not one bit. -Gwyn 
5. Your family has announced that the holiday celebration/get-together will be at your home. You think to yourself: 
a. Yes! Finally…the more the merrier.
b. I don’t have enough room for all of you, but let’s rent a hall and you all get hotel rooms.
c. Over my dead body, I don’t want you freaks in my house.
d. Hmm…I wonder if it’s too late to book a flight to anywhere, leaving on Christmas eve?
 
I don't even know how to answer this...lol. I would welcome them all and find a way for us all to fit, so I guess a. Fortunately, we are a small family. It would never, ever happen though. My family does NOT travel during the holidays. - Jules
Well my family did actually announce this to me and I'm just hoping they all fit in my apartment.  Though they all live close enough that no one has to stay the night thank goodness. - Miranda

I would be happy for my family to come to my house for the holidays. However, they may have to ask the couple currently living in my house if they are ok with company. Meanwhile, I'll be 5,000 miles away at the beach! -Gwyn 
6. Have you ever given a fruit cake as a Christmas gift or a gift at all? Do you even like fruit cake? 
When I was a little girl, I used to sit with my grandmother and my great-grandmother in the kitchen while they made fruitcakes every year. I loved those days, but I hate fruit cake. I have never given one b/c I hate them...all those gross, uber preserved "fruit"...ick. - Jules
No and no and no.  One year someone gave me one and I tried to make Duckie eat it but he refused. - Miranda

God no! But the tradition is alive and well because both my mom and grandmother get them from people each year. If I'm going to give food it's going to be something that people will actually eat. -Gwyn 
Bonus:  Share with us one of your holiday traditions. 
We actually have a lot. I'm big on traditions and since I have a child, I try really hard to instill those in our home so that she remembers special things growing up. That being said, my favorite tradition is the fact that Russell and I start drinking Christmas Eve and we don't stop (except for a morning cup of regular coffee on Christmas morning) until Christmas night. We don't get shitty drunk or anything, but rather maintain a fun, constant buzz. It's pure awesomeness. The only problem that we've encountered is that we have to have our big meal on Christmas Eve or otherwise we're too tired and unmotivated to make it on Christmas night. - Jules
I'm actually not big on traditions.  What few my family had have kind of died out since my dad passed away.  We're still trying to figure out how to do the holidays without him.  About the only one I have kept up is putting the tree up the day after Thanksgiving and writing a letter from Santa for the kids which Duckie will have to do this year.  - Miranda

I had a lot of Christmas traditions growing up. My mom was really good about doing that for me even though it was just the two of us. Let's see.....we bought a new Santa figurine each year and displayed them in the living room...I always get a snoopy related item in my stocking, usually an ornament (and yes my mom shipped me a stocking to Hawaii this year!)....there are several gifts that my mom gives me each year no matter what (a book, panties, etc.)....my mom always had an advent calendar for me, the little cardboard ones with chocolate goodies....we made cookies for Santa and left him a note...every year on Christmas morning we watch Peewee Herman's Christmas Special....my mom always drove me to see the Christmas lights the week before Christmas....there are plenty more but those are the ones that come to mind. -Gwyn

Monday, December 19, 2011

Once a Party Girl, Always a Party Girl

So Friday afternoon Jethro was blowing up my phone with text in the variety of, “I really like you,” “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” and “I’ll explain everything tonight if you’ll let me.” I told him I’d love to hear his explanation for his weirdness and said I felt like this conversation deserved some face to face interaction. He eventually said he’d call me when he got home from work.


Well you know Miranda doesn’t let any grass grow under her feet so I went about my afternoon/evening making plans for a double dose of girls’ night out with my friend D. The evening came and went and no word from Jethro. I put on my party pants and D and I hit the town. We ended up doing a little bar hopping and running into the nerdy weird IT guy from my old job who stalked Gwyn. He proceeded to tell me he’d started applying for jobs all over including, wait for it…..Hawaii. It took every ounce of my willpower not to do a spit take because Gwyn and I have joked about him following her to Hawaii. I just politely nodded and downed about half a beer to keep from visibly dying as I dove for my phone to text Gwyn. A little later he asked me which island Gwyn lives on and like any good girl would do, I totally lied and said Maui. So even if worse comes to worse and he chases her down 5000 miles away he’ll end up on the wrong island. I tried Gwyn, I really did.

The rest of the night was all about reveling in my “party girl” antics in Jethro’s stupid honor as D and I danced and laughed and generally had a party for two. I swear I think the place could have been empty and D and I wouldn’t have noticed. Incidentally, the creepy IT guy tried to hit on D and eventually me only to get a firm hell no to which he replied with a thanks for one of the funniest nights of my life ever. Side note, he had this friend with him who was cute in a blonde California fairy (not gay fairy but actual fairy with the pointed ears and wings sort of way) who was complaining about how cold it was. I deemed him delicate and fragile and spent the rest of the night referring to him not by his given name but by the moniker of Daisy. I had the entire bar doing it by the end of the night. He was mortified to say the least.

Note – not a word from Jethro all night.

Saturday morning I finally got a text from Jethro saying he was sorry for being such a disappointment and that he didn’t know what was wrong. Being smart for a change, I immediately deleted his number and all his texts from my phone to discourage any further communication with him. I did note later that day that he’d unfriended me on Facebook. I’m thinking he didn’t’ like the fun exchange between D and Jules on my wall calling me a party girl. HA! Saturday afternoon I treated myself to a massage and some shopping before heading out for round two with D.

We went to see her boyfriend’s band play at of all places a moose lodge. It was hokey and country and honestly I kind of loved it. No one there gave a crap about what anyone looked like (judging by the amount of flannel and overalls I feel confident in saying that) and everyone was just having a good time. Plus all the guys who I know were there so that took care of me having to buy any drinks that night. It’s kind of funny these guys. I know them from dating Coach and then from being friends with D and her boyfriend and they have so much affection for me. I guess because I’m such a fun party girl ;) I often feel like I’m on the show Cheers when I’m around them because I walk in and everyone smiles and calls out my name and wants to hug me. Then they seem to spend the rest of the night greatly amused by whatever I say and do while making sure my beverage of choice is never empty. Good times especially since most of the women in my small time hate me.

Randomly McQueen was texting and sexting me all weekend which is uber odd because I haven’t talked to him in more than a month and he never ever sexted me before. He wanted me to come over after either of my nights out but I was so not going to do that. Then he tried to get me to come over last night but I declined again just on principle. Weirdo.

It was a smart choice all in all because I swear between being in my townhouse with my mom/sister and talking about painting and tile and gardening then signing my mortgage papers last night I hardly slept for all the anxiety racing around inside. I’m not scared to own my own place, hell it’s going to be cheaper than renting. But maybe it just feels like some final closure of some sort of moving on from my married life to my singledom? Who knows but I have a lot of stuff to get done in the next month that’s for damn sure!

Miranda

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Eden Loves Bloggers

Our friend, Kayla, at Eden Fantasys has offered us a fun new opportunity to join the Eden Loves Bloggers program and write sponsored posts. In exchange for these posts, Eden Fantasy very graciously gives us gift cards that we can use for products!! Unlike doing regular product reviews, bloggers can write about a variety of topics not limited to just sex toys. (Of course, we all know the sex toys are Jules' favorite part!!)

Eden has a huge community of readers online with a wide variety of interests. Since I've recently discovered my love of cooking (ok, well maybe not love so much as heavy like when the mood strikes...), I'll probably write about some of the Eden Cooks Club recipes. Not that I subscribe to the whole 'a way to man's heart is through is stomach' thing, but because Jules likes to eat great food!!

Another of the sections that we can post about is SEXIS.  There are many great articles that caught my eye already ranging from tech toys that can change your sex life to the sensationalizing of sex addictions...lol. I think I'll read about that last one right now!

Just in time for the holidays, they are having some amazing sales right now too! Check out the Eden Fantasys website and put something naughty and fun into your favorite lover's stocking this year!! I have a fun idea for Owen and I try out that I'll write about soon! Look for the WISH codes for added savings!

We are super excited to be a part of this program and hope to bring you many funny, sexy, insightful posts as a part of it!!
-Jules

Aloha, Adios, Good Bye

I am super pleased (strike that to read giddy) to report that Gavin is leaving the island. I repeat, Gavin is leaving MY island. Throw me off the island? I don't think so...bitch. Bwahahaha! 


Damien told me today that he ran into Gavin yesterday at the boat harbor. Gwyn and I had just passed Gavin as he was driving there and while they were apparently having a convo, she and I were on a run and I was lamenting how I don't hate him or wish him dead, but I really wish he would just move. It seems the universe heard me. According to Damien, Gavin told him yesterday that he's leaving on January 16th, already has a reservation, and his truck is for sale!! I started to ask several questions about where he's moving and what about his son and why would he leave in the middle of surf season, but then I stopped myself each and every time and realized I didn't really care to know any of the answers! 


Damien also reported that he was with that guy that called me a couple of times and Gavin really was just passing my phone number along to the guy b/c he thought I was fun and wanted to hook his buddy up. Um, ok but no thanks...first of all, I'm capable to finding my own fun and second of all, I want nothing to do with his friends b/c I'd lay money on them being addicts too. 


In other news, Damien has resumed telling me he loves me. It started last week in an email that read "I was looking for someone to build a happy life with.....w/ex gf's blessing. But that's not where you were at.....you were really looking for the hookup and recreation....which is cool......but at first I was really hoping you'd be the one for me. being your friend was the healthiest way to wait and see what you'd do. And you did my friend. That was cool you weren't ready obviously....so friends it was......then Russell  and you hit the apex and after it all you told me to not love you ....even in the carnation of friends.....and so I said all that stuff to you and backed off for a year and a half.
Look, I love you, was falling in love with you, and you showed me what loving you was like......I still love you. But there were so many obstacles on both side to anything beyond friends. And you told me not to love you period. (Insert more random stuff about his ex) In any case ...still loving you! So how come you didn't choose me? and chose my friend instead?". 

This was totally unprompted by anything we'd been talking about and frankly caught me a little off guard. I replied that at the time things were different. Gavin didn't have a gf and he did and I don't share well, blah blah. Really, I like Damien a lot but I'm not attracted to him and we have very different beliefs regarding women and religion and such. It would be a wild and crazy ride that wouldn't end well. I basically told him that he's someone I want to keep in my life and I'm not complicating or fucking that up with sex and a romantic relationship. He seemed appeased with that answer, but he's told me twice more in person that he loves me. I want him to remember what he mentioned here about all of the obstacles. I've started working out with him again three days a week and that's going really well, so I hope he backs off this loving me thing some. Plus, he has a gf again! 

Anyway, I'm trying not to get too excited about Gavin moving until he's gone and I know it's a done deal, but good lord it feels awesome knowing it's a possibility and I'll quit seeing him around. I saw him on the way home tonight driving and thought this won't happen again in a month!!! :) 
-Jules

Friday, December 16, 2011

You and Me Baby A'int Nothin But Mammals...

Man I've been waiting for a chance to use that song lyric in a post!!! I know you all remember that damn song and the insane music video..."Let's do it like they do on the Discovery channel". If you don't remember the song then you should check it out here, trust me it'll give you a good laugh.

This week, OprahGwyn's lifeclass topic is "What can we learn from animals?" Oprah herself held this very lifeclass only a few short months ago. She discussed things like unconditional love, loyalty and patience. BORING. As a resident expert on animals (ignore the fact that I abandoned my own cats with my mom when I moved to HI) I would like to share my insights on this topic.

  1. Consent isn't always necessary. Sometimes you just have to chase your targets down, immobilize them and share your fluids with them. 
  2. If someone is trying to steal your mate away from you just beat them into submission (the potential mate-stealer not your mate, get your minds out of the gutter).
  3. Being more attractive than everyone else around you has its benefits.
  4. Size definitely matters. 
  5. If you're tired of being single and alone, just follow the next guy/girl home that passes you and see if they'll adopt you. It doesn't hurt if you appear dirty and possibly ill.
  6. If you want to get your mate's attention then stand right outside of his/her window early in the morning and scream at the top of your lungs. Keep screaming until you get what you want or get kicked in the head. 
  7. Sometimes it's ok to eat your children.
  8. Females can get pregnant by two different males at the same time. Ever wondered why one your kids is a ginger?
  9. When you've had a long day it's perfectly acceptable to cop a squat in your yard and relieve yourself. If anyone sees you just stare directly at them to remind them that you really don't give a flying fuck. 
  10. Sometimes you need to expose yourself to get your point across. 
I hope you have all enjoyed this lesson as much as I have. When you see me on television hosting my own talk show you can all say you knew me when...

-Gwyn

Ass-berger's

Well I have no real answers for you yet about Jethro. He texted me throughout the afternoon an array of things saying he was thinking about me and he hoped I wasn’t mad at him and that my feelings hadn’t changed.

We spoke briefly and basically his reasons for his “weirdness” were that he’s feeling cash strapped at the moment and like he wouldn’t’ be able to take me out on all these dates he wanted to. Seems really out of the blue because we’ve only hung out twice and did things that didn’t cost any money so I’m not sure where this idea that I expect expensive dates comes from.

We started to talk about this “party girl” perception he seems to have developed based on pictures he’s seen on Facebook and in my house. I got a little irritated talking about this and pointed out to him 1 – that most of the pictures are from last year and 2 – newsflash, girls take pictures when we get dressed up and go out; it’s not like I’m gonna post/hang pics of myself lounging on the couch in my yoga pants watching TV.

I had just finished a particular eloquent version of the line above when his phone cut off. I tried to call him back but it rolled straight to voicemail so I did my best to text vent to the girls and then I just went to bed. This morning he texted me that he was sorry but his battery died and that he wanted to continue our conversation. I told him that was fine but I wasn’t doing it over the phone.

I have yet to hear back from him. In other related news, I declared that I think all guys have a form of Asperger’s syndrome – NOTE to you sensitive nellies out there I’m not making fun of kids/people with this actual disorder or any form of autism or mental impairment so get off your high horse. If you’re that sensitive this is probably not the blog for you. Feel free to check out highlights.com or reader’s digest.com and don’t let the blog door hit you on the way out.

Seriously, look at the symptoms and tell me if you don’t see a correlation…
  • Lack or difficulty judging appropriate social conduct
  • Anger management problems
  • Lack of empathy
  • Inability to listen to others
  • Inflexible thinking
  • Repetitive routines provides feelings of security
  • Stress when their routine suddenly changes
  • Inability to think in abstract ways
  • Specialized fields of interest
  • Visual thinking
I’ll keep you in the loop.

Miranda

Pre-Workout Workout

I think Owen is feeling the sting of my being tired of being the other woman comment, or perhaps he's just horny as hell and making up for the lost weeks where we weren't fucking...either way, I'm loving it. He texted me today about 3:30 to tell me that he suddenly found himself with some free alone time and wondered what I was doing. At the time, I was shuttling a boat load of packages to the USPS  and planning to go work out with Gwyn and Damien right after, but Damien wasn't home yet. I told him I'd meet him before my workout.

We immediately started kissing and I was working my way out of my clothes. I was on my knees in front of him and he pushed his cock in between my legs and just rubbed back and forth. It was turning me on so much with the anticipation of him entering me. Finally I stopped kissing him and turned around and backed up to him. As he sat, I was on all fours fucking the hell out of his cock. It felt awesome!! I came like three or four times and he told me to turn around and lick him clean. Yes, sir!! Then he asked me if he could fuck my tits and cum for me. I promptly laid down and pushed my tits together for him and sucked his cock as he pushed between them. He came sooooo hard.

I licked every drop of his cum and he said he wanted to fuck me some more. He lifted my legs over his shoulder and slowly entered me. He was inside me so deeply and making me cum like crazy and then he moved to my ass in that same position. I like that because we can watch each other, but it just doesn't feel as fantastic as when I'm on my stomach. He knows this, so after a few minutes he flipped me over and I was in orgasm heaven. I came so many more times it was unreal. I was cumming and cumming and telling him how amazing his big cock felt inside my tight ass and then I felt him change his pace and he came again in my ass. I can almost always make him cum again as soon as I start talking to him.

We were dressing and kissing again and he told me that I better go or he was going to get hard again and I'd be even later for my workout. I wish I could have stayed, but I'd made plans for a certain time so I left.  I was also extremely satisfied, though I would have loved trying to make him cum for a third time...twice is the max we've ever accomplished at once. Damien worked us HARD tonight, but I had a lot more energy than normal. I think that pre-workout workout is the way to go!

Now for a funny...this was my Christmas present from my boss...I think she's onto me. ;)
-Jules

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Gimp #5123947634

Well it seems the stars have spoken again. Take a look at my horoscope for the day.

Romance could be a little like a roller-coaster ride right now. Feelings will be running high, and there is a higher chance of thinking or suspecting the worst and of noticing the less savory aspects of your sweetheart's behavior. It might help if you spend some time in conversation, being honest with each other. If this doesn't work, perhaps give each other some space.

Last night Jethro and I didn’t talk because he had class till late and quite honestly I really didn’t think about it too much. I was busy with the kids and we’d texted all day so I wasn’t exactly jonesing to talk last night. I woke up this morning to a weird text from him apologizing for being “distant.” I was perplexed because I swear I had at least 50 texts from him during the day yesterday.

I simply said no worries and asked what was going on. He replied that he didn’t really know but he was just feeling overwhelmed with “personal issues” and that he really didn’t know how to explain. I asked him to clarify and then he pretty much went MIA.

My instinct is telling me that between seeing pictures of me out and about with friends and me suggesting we go see D’s boyfriend’s band play Saturday maybe I aroused some concern about me being a “party girl.” He did ask me that Tuesday night after seeing all these pictures I have up in my kitchen. Note these are cute pictures of me with various friends, generally dressed up because we’re out on the town, but in none of them do I look drunk or even have a beer in my hand. I mean my kids see these pictures and I do have a semblance of sense in my head. And what the hell is a “party girl” anyways? I’ve actually had more than one guy ask me that before. I generally answer that yes I like to go out and have fun and listen to bands but I am a grown up and take care of my business at the same time. Incidentally Urban Dictionary has quite an array of definitions of party girls. I would fall in category 2 if you’re not already familiar with Miranda's special breed of madness.

Who knows what’s going on with him but I’m not sweating it. I mean I like him, a lot, but it’s way too early to have much investment to be completely honest. He said he'll call me later and "explain."  I’m making alternate plans for the weekend than I had with him and either he’ll figure his shit out or he can sit at home and fiddle with his pickle himself.

I guess it was just his time to bring out the gimp.

Miranda

PS – If you haven’t already heard, I got my townhouse! Yep I’m a big girl now! Less than 5 minutes after I posted an update on Facebook, Coach magically Facebook messaged me asking where I was moving and telling me he knew he wasn't supposed to contact me but he hoped I was happy.  I told him not to be such a drama queen and asked if he was drunk lol.  Last week I saw him at the gym and he refused to acknowledge my presence and then sat in his car and watched me walk out 10 minutes after he did. Weird!

PPS – In other random crazy news, Hot Chocolate and I were joking about me getting bangs cut back into my hair on Tuesday and I said I would do it if he’d pay for it. He said he would and I laughed and left with the kids. Yesterday when I picked up the kids he came chasing me out to the car. I rolled down the window and he pressed $40 in my hand and walked off. If only I could get more guys to give me money like that!

Another Hot Jules Sex Story

We rec’d an email yesterday from someone telling us how much they enjoyed reading our blog and our stories. So, Mr. X this one is for you. I saw Owen last night and it was steamy, hot, amazing, omg sex.
We were having trouble finding a time to meet up. He’s not working right now, but he’s super busy ferrying his kids around (I swear they don’t let those poor kids sit down for a minute) and I’ve been swamped with work, school, my own kid, working out, etc. Anyway, we were supposed to hook up Monday at my house (finally in my bed!) but sadly I left work at the time we were planning to meet, so that was a no go. Then he asked me about Tuesday and I said no b/c of my schedule. Then my schedule changed! Initially, I texted him about the time he’d given me the day before but he couldn’t get away then and b/c I’m PMSing like a mf, I got a little pissy. I told him that this other woman thing was starting to take its toll on me and I’m tired of having to wait around for him.  Then I followed that with it wasn’t his fault, but it just is what it is. Honestly, I do not want him to leave his kids…but I want to get laid when I want it. This means we need to add another player in this team and life will be back to good.
Ok, enough of those details…we finally figured out that we could meet up about 6pm. I left working out a little early and he dropped his kids off at one of their various lessons and we headed to a secluded spot and parked. I hopped into his van and he ripped his clothes off and sat down. I stood over him pulling my pants down slightly and kissing him. He proceeded to finger me and bury his head in my tits. I ripped off the rest of my clothes and noted how amazingly hard he was. I simply couldn’t resist putting his cock in my mouth and licked him up and down a few times. Then, I hopped on him and rode him until I came a few times. He realized he’d left his lights on and I moved off of him briefly so he could fix that.
I was lying curled on his seat and he knelt in front of me and entered me like this. He fucked me super slowly like this and made me oh so very wet. He was stroking my hair during this and I was dying for him to speed it up a little and let me cum, but he was enjoying teasing me. It felt amazing with him sliding in and out fully…omg. When he could tell that I couldn’t take it anymore, he pulled me down onto my knees and bent me over the seat and fucked me super hard. I came and came and came. He was pressing against me and kissing me and then leaning back and rubbing his hands all over my body in the darkness. It was super sensual! Finally, he asked me if I wanted him in my ass. I told him that I absolutely did and reached back and spread my ass for him to enter me. He asked me if I wanted to work his cock into my ass or if I wanted him to do it. I said I wanted him to and he pushed the head in as I moaned. Very quickly, he was fully inside me and fucking my ass super slowly until I begged him to fuck me hard. I was playing with my kitty and he was going at my ass and I was soaking us! Then he kind of leaned back and I sat up on his cock and rode him. We finished with him holding on to the seat and the door while I rode him super hard in my ass. I swear I came a million times…lol.  As we were leaving, he was kissing me and said he hoped I was happy with him again. I am. ;)
Later in the evening, he sent me a text saying how hot my ass looked bouncing off of his hips and that my body looked super sexy in the shadowy light. We rarely ever have sex at night so it was a fun new dynamic for us.
-Jules
PS I almost ran into Gavin last night at the supermarket! He was pulling in and I was pulling out, thankfully!! I need to remember to avoid that market at dinner time. Because of his horrible planning skills and the fact that he just likes going, he's there almost every freaking day. I'm over 30 days with no contact. I feel like I deserve a chip.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Friends with Benefits?

So last night Jethro came over and we hung out for a while. We just talked and watched TV and of course there was kissing – a lot of kissing. But that’s all. Miranda is on the straight and narrow. No sex till monogamy! Patti Stanger would be so proud. That being said, this post is not really about Jethro. Though he is still totally amazing if you were wondering ;)

My thoughts today are about my boss. She’s kind of awesome. She’s just a few years older than I am and we have a ton in common including both being divorced and single moms. She’s a loud, wild sort of personality who doesn’t really have personal boundaries and I find her an entirely enjoyable person to be around. I think I’ve mentioned it a couple times but I even got her to get on Plenty of Fish a couple weeks ago and that’s given us tons to laugh about. She’s also super smart and really good at her job (not that there aren’t things I’d do differently but I keep those opinions to myself by and large).

And our similarities in personality and sense of humor have definitely made me her favorite employee. I don’t say that because I think I’m so awesome and amazing (though let’s face it I am) but I can tell because of how much she shares with me and how much time we talk period. I think my professional background plays into that as well because she knows I’ve been the boss and done a lot more than I do now so maybe she seems me as more of an equal than some of the other people in our department.

What makes me a little nervous is that we’re definitely treading on “friendship” territory which is not something I’ve ever had with a boss before. I did have one totally awesome boss years back but she was more than 10 years older than me so there was more of a “generational” difference though we definitely treaded on the friendship territory too. So my question is really can you ever truly be “friends” with your boss?

I think I’ve done a good job in the past (and now) of always remembering at the end of the day my boss is my boss and even when the relationship has had the warm fuzzies, it was never far from my mind that that person was ultimately responsible for me having a job. It’s just hard to know exactly how to navigate the waters, how much to say/not say, reveal/not reveal. I guess it’s just a case by case basis because I really like her as a person and I find her greatly amusing.

Have any of you ever been “friends” with the boss? How’d that work out for you? Anything I should watch out for?

Miranda

Monday, December 12, 2011

Breathless

So Miranda has gotten swept off her damn feet people. Jethro, who I mentioned briefly in the “Woo or Boo” post, has just knocked this girl for a loop. Briefly, Jethro (not his real name – it’s a nickname he got in the marines) is 44, 6’3, brown hair with a touch of gray, hazel eyes, spent over 20 years as a marine, and lives just on the other side of town from me. He got out of the marines a couple years ago after spending all that time as an aviation mechanic and decided to take advantage of the GI bill and get some sort of advance degree in mechanics. He’s been in school and working at an automotive place full time ever since. He’s been divorced for about six years and he’s got a 16 year old son who lives a couple hours away.


So about a week ago he messaged me on Plenty of Fish. I’d looked at his profile a few times before that so I was happy to reply. We exchanged a few messages back and forth and he asked for my number. We started texting and talking pretty much non-stop to the tune of us being on the phone as much as 2.5 hours one night (and Miranda hates talking on the phone). We had planned to go out for the first time today but honestly by Friday we were both dying to meet each other face to face. Sunday I managed to pull in some babysitting time and dropped the kids off with my sister to go meet Jethro and take a little walk in the park and talk face to face.

We’d arranged to meet at Starbucks in this very popular shopping center. I got there first and was waiting for him out front and being the Christmas season, the place was freaking nuts. He pulled up a few minutes later and I suggested we skip Starbucks and just head over to the park. I hopped in his car and we just sat there for a minute and stared at each other. It was kind of surreal to see Jethro after we’d spent so much time talking. We were both kind of speechless at first and then we just started smiling and laughing.

It took like 2 minutes to get to the park and again we sat there and just kind of stared at each other. I jumped out of the car because it was just kind of crazy and intense looking at him and we cut through this field headed for a trail to walk on. I was a couple steps ahead of Jethro when he grabbed my arm, spun me around, and just enveloped me in the biggest hug. We stood there for a minute like that and I started to pull back and we had that moment where you can both tell you’re thinking about kissing each other but someone has to make the first move to lean in. I could see Jethro was thinking about it and wanting to do it but he’s been such a gentleman I think he was afraid I’d think he was too forward or something. After I swear what felt like 10 minutes he started to let go and I just acted on blind instinct and reach up and pulled his face down to mine and we had this great “scene out of a movie” first kiss. Afterwards we both started laughing and he grabbed my hand and we strolled on to the trail.

We spent the next hour and half walking, talking, laughing, and doing more than a little kissing. It was freaking magical and that’s not even an understatement. I have never felt so immediately comfortable with someone – like mentally, emotionally, and physically comfortable. Jethro is just amazing. He’s so refreshingly direct and honest. He says exactly what’s on his mind and how he feels. And Jethro is so interested in me and what makes me tick and what’s going on in my head. Why I think the things I do or things that have happened in my life. It’s like he’s fascinated with me. He’s made his intentions so completely clear. It’s just crazy. I can’t say I’ve ever felt like I knew totally where I stood with someone like this before. Maybe that’s why I just feel so at ease with him. Like being with him is the most natural thing in the world, the place where I’m supposed to be. By the end of our date, we had already both said we were immediately deleting our POF accounts and that we didn’t want to see anyone else. Yeah, he’s that good that Miranda’s put on blinders already.

And he’s so genuinely nice but not in a creepy stalker “it puts the lotion on or it gets the hose again” way. He’s never anything but gentlemanly and he has yet to say even the tiniest thing that borders on inappropriate. And he does stuff like this. Yesterday we were talking about a country singer we both like. I mentioned that I’d heard he was going to have a concert here in February. Jethro said he’d love to take me to it and I was in. Then he asked if I’d mind him inviting his 16 year old niece to go with us because she loves this singer too and her family rarely has the money to do stuff like that. I mean how many guys would 1 - make plans that far in advance and 2 – want to treat their 16 year old niece to something like that?

I’m so cheesy right now. Like I get a text from him or see his name pop up on my caller id and I can’t help but have the biggest cheesy grin. It’s crazy and overwhelming and amazing and it's left me more than a little breathless. Hopefully it’s the start of something really, really good.

Miranda

PS – I was doing a little astrological research about a Gemini woman – Cancer man match I found this and so far, it’s to the letter true. Cancer is very protective and careful about building a relationship. He makes sure she feels comfortable and secure every step of the way. Although she hardly needs it, he reassures her she is #1 and special by words and deeds. Cancers don’t play games, being security oriented and nurturing, and Gemini, though a wicked game player under some circumstances, is not encouraged to be that way by a Cancer. He gives her so much steady and sincere attention, it takes her restlessness away.

PPS – If you’re keeping track, Jethro scores 100% on my manifesto list.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Full Moon Fever

Well the full moon is bringing the crazy out in people...omg. This post is basically going to be an abbreviated venting session, so if you don't want to hear me kvetch, skip it.

Men suck....sorry. We just had this super long reply to the Lesbian post that I'm not even going to dignify with a response, but let me just say that if women are like children then the world is fucked. Ok, moving on...

Last night, Russell and I got into a fight because he was acting like a whiny bitch. In case you haven't gathered, Jules is over listening to whiny bitches right now. Anyway, he had a date scheduled for Saturday night but then got pissy when I reminded him (for about the 50th gd time) that I was going to a party and he was home with the kid. He actually asked me to come home early from the party. I basically laughed in his face and said no way. It went on for a while, but ultimately I went to my party tonight and had a fantastic time with some super fun women. I really wish I had more time in the week to see them more often than once or twice a year!!

Now while I was at this party, Owen starts blowing up my phone. He hadn't texted me for like 2 whole days (lol) and texted to apologize for this. I said it was no big deal and told him I was at a party and would text him later. Then he proceeded to text me every hour...wtf? Of course in all this time, I think tonight was the first time I've ever ignored him...I think it surprised him!

Backing up a little bit, on the way to the party my phone rings and it's not a number I recognized. I stupidly answered and it was the guy that called me in Costco last week. I was abrupt (read bitchy again!) and asked if Gavin had given him my number. He stammered for a minute and said he had. I told him that I was totally not interested in talking to him b/c any friend of Gavin's was quite likely a fucking addict just like Gavin is and that he can tell Gavin to quit fucking giving out my number b/c it's just not cool. He said he had heard really great things about me from Gavin (oh, ok...I'm not even going to bother guessing what) and wanted to hang out and that he was actually not into all the shit that Gavin is. I said I was not hanging out with anyone that was a friend of Gavin's...ever.

I actually think Gavin tried to call me this morning. I got another call early today from a number that I also didn't recognize, but Chloe has been doing a lot this weekend, so I'm answering all calls just in case. Anyway, I said "hello" twice and no reply so I hung up, but I think the number was one he'd called me from right after I blocked him.  When I was working out with Damien today, he told me that the gf is home. I said I could care less and I mean it. I really wish he would just disappear.

And just in case I'm not getting my fill of addicts lingering, my Dad calls today too. He actually left a voicemail that was nothing but addict thinking and logic. He told me that he loves me and hates how things went down when I was home (yeah, him face planting in the living room after the cops and EMTs left b/c he was so gd drunk he couldn't fucking stand up and walk was epic...I hate how things "went down" too.) He went on and on about how he's blocked from Christmas and he was blocked from seeing us off at the airport and basically just tried to guilt me into calling him and going back to being an enabler...but not this time. Until he calls and tells me he's ready for treatment, I have nothing to say.

Jules is in acquisition of assets only phase of her life. If you are a liability, you will be cut loose. It's just that simple. I'm finished taking care of others. If I didn't give birth to you, take care of your damn self.
-Jules

Friday, December 9, 2011

Hit Me With Your Best Shot - Sex Toy Review #4!


It’s time for my latest way overdue sex toy review. My apologies Kayla!  The kind people at Eden Fantasys sent me a Speeding Bullets Armor Piercing vibrator.  Sounds scary but all it’s going to do is knock your socks off! I’m hilarious.  Seriously this tiny little bullet vibrator packs quite an unexpected wallop.

It’s tiny.  Like about the size of my pinkie finger and approximately an inch in diameter.  It’s got five, count them 1-2-3-4-5, amazing variations. Two different speeds and three pulsating options that definitely give your one-on-one time a little extra oomph.  The 5th setting is a crazy little alternation of a quick buzz followed by a longer one that repeats over and over and will drive even the coolest customer wild.  I know that's my favorite!

This bullet comes in four great colors (thanks Kayla for sending me a color other than pink - my collection needed some variation lol).  Another cool thing about this friendly bullet is that it operates on three of those little small watch batteries, not you traditional AAs. And it comes with an extra set of batteries, which is awesome because I don’t know if it was me using the hell out of it or what because I've had this bullet for about a month and I'm already on the second set of batteries.And believe me, this celibate girl has put my newest little friend to work - A LOT!

When I got this I laughed honestly not expecting it to be so small. But once I started checking it out I could hardly get it out of the box before I put it to good use.  And I’ve used it and used it and used it and used it.  I’ve even forgone my favorite vibrator for this little gem.  It’s cute, powerful, velvety smooth, super quiet, and it’s one I’d feel totally comfortable traveling with because it’s small enough to hide! HA!

Seriously, this would be a great first time vibrator or a perfect 5th or 50th toy.  Go get one today!

Miranda