Sunday, November 22, 2015

Walk of Shame

Last night I got to go out with The Captain for an amazing dinner at a very nice, local restaurant. It was so romantic and I should add in here that I hadn't seen him in almost two weeks. His work schedule has been crazy (as has Russell's) and then when he was off, he got sick and ended up in the hospital for 3 days. So, it was a much needed date night!!

After dinner we went back to his place and we literally spent the next 3 1/2 hours having nonstop sex. Well we would stop for about a minute after he came and then start right back. It was awesome!! We decided maybe we should see less of each other (not really but damn it was great reunion sex)!

I should mention that I quit seeing Owen right after I started seeing The Captain. Sex with The Captain rivals Owen sex and if I can get that from my boyfriend, no need for Owen. Owen still texts me every other day or so, but I've stood firm.

Anyway back to the actual story, I normally get up and leave in the middle of the night because of Russell's work schedule so I'm here for Chloe. Last night, Chloe had a sleepover so I stayed the entire night. I woke up early at The Captain's and laid there talking to him but because his room faces sunrise and it was like high noon in there, I couldn't fall back asleep. I also wanted to leave before his son or mom woke up. I've met his son once briefly but not in a capacity where I felt like seeing me in my dress from the date before was ok. So I leave quietly as to not wake The Captian up because he fell back to sleep and I go outside and reach for my keys and realize they are in his bedroom. Fuck.

I am standing outside in my low cut black dress from the night before (The Captain loves my boobs, a lot), my glasses on because I had to take out my contacts, and my hair up in a crazy ass ponytail that screamed I was fucked all night. His door locks with a code, which I do not know because he always let me in!! They don't have a doorbell, not that I wanted to ring it anyway, and the condo is super sound proof so I knew he wouldn't hear me knock either. I also knew he probably had his phone off, but I start repeatedly calling over and over and texted him why. All of sudden the door opens and I fully expect him to be there with my keys but no, it was his mom! She was leaving to go to church!!! I wanted to fall through the pavement and die but thankfully she was amazing. She let me in, hugged me, told me how nice it was to meet me, gave me her number in case I ever needed it in the future, and told me how pretty my dress was so obviously she must have determined that I make her son happy and therefore regardless of that first impression she was gracious and wonderful. I apologized profusely and told her this was not how I wanted to meet her!! Talk about an epic walk of shame moment, there it is.

PS The Captain and I are taking things very slowly but it is very evident that we like each other a lot. Last week he asked me to go out the country with him and his son this summer, so even though it's moving slowly (which is a nice change of pace), it's also definitely moving forward too. He just makes me feel good. He's a really, really good guy and I'm trying my hardest to be a really, really good girl.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Drama Queen

So, I wasn't sure if I would or could write this down, but it happened and I need to put it somewhere.

had an abortion on Monday. Who the hell, gets accidentally knocked up by her husband at 39 damn years of age? Me. Ohh.. I have excuses, my Dad just died, the complete break down of my marriage, birth control just wasn't on my list of concerns. Hubby and I have had sex 3 times in 2 months. I was horny and lazy and he was there. I'm an idiot.

But see, this has a weird kind of twist. My Mom had a baby(me) at 39, both my sisters had babies had babies at 39/40. I have sworn since the day after my son was born I would not have another and especially not at 40. Was this irony? I don't know, I just know that when I took that pregnancy test it wasn't even a question. 

Hubby has been surprisingly supportive and kind about the whole ordeal, even considering the amount of money he had to pay. 

The abortion itself was weird, just an odd situation all around and painful. Omg,, it hurt and it still hurts. These idiots that suggest that women use it for birth control are, well, idiots. I'm not sure what I expected, but if I was warned of the amount of pain I don't remember.

Oh and just an aside, we are pretty sure that we ran over a protesters foot on the way out. 

Hopefully, I'll be able to post something not so drama filled one day. Until then, I am just trying to get through each day without a mental collapse. Wish me luck!


Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Cocktails and Sunset

I had a really nice date with The Captain tonight! We went to one of my favorite restaurants for happy hour and had a few glasses of wine and then he suggested a sunset walk on the beach, yes please! It was very romantic and our first kiss turned into this one really long amazing one. He has a beard, which I'm not crazy about and thought I would hate kissing him, but it wasn't a big deal.
I like him a lot and I'll probably date him for a little while, but he doesn't make my knees weak yet. He's stable and kind and those are some attractive qualities. We have a lot in common. I'm definitely interested in seeing it play out more. He leaves tomorrow night for 5 weeks, so I guess that will be the true test too. He comes home periodically during that time but I don't know how much I'll see him then because I would imagine that's family time, as it should be.

Monday, September 7, 2015

The Captain

Well, it seems Jules likes her boat captains! I went out to lunch with a guy yesterday who is a boat captain! If you remember, The Fisherman (or ex husband #2)  was also one. Of course this one says he  is a real one because he captains a real boat and not a tour boat.
I like him!! He's got some potential. I'm actually going out for happy hour with him tomorrow too! So he's 41-42, super stable, owns his house (which is a big deal in Hawaii), works a great job making really good money, tall and stocky, and he hates sports except for surfing...all wins. The downside is he is a single dad to a 13 year old boy and because he's gone for 5 weeks at a time with his job, his mom moved here to help with his son and she lives with them!!!
He's super sweet and kind of shy, but really easy to talk to and can carry on a conversation without long, awkward pauses. He pulled out my chair at lunch, held doors, and didn't try to paw at me in the parking lot after lunch. He has great manners. I actually talked to him on the phone tonight for like half an hour. I never talk to anyone (even my own mama) for that long on the phone. Originally from the South, he went to college for a few years and didn't excel, so he joined the Navy and became a Seal. I'm not into the military at all, but that's a little badass.
Anyway, we shall see how date #2 goes tomorrow, but I'm calling him Captain. (The fact that I named him is a good sign.)

Thursday, September 3, 2015

A new member of the dead dads club

Josie, a childhood friend of Jules and Miranda joins the blog today. If you're a long time reader you may remember Josie and her errant husband Dave as the schoolyard friends who helped Miranda move not once but twice she since her divorce. To say the least, life has changed for them...

My Dad, my hero died July 16, 2015. He wasn't always perfect but after caring for my Mom relentlessly for 12 years with Alzheimer's he paid his penitence. 

There is no penitence for what my husband did in the days that followed my Dad's death. 

July 17th we went shopping for appropriate funeral attire. (after losing my Mom in 2011 I wouldn't keep those things in my house).  I lost my wallet/cellphone, I set it down mindlessly and it was stolen. My husband, (who has been referred to as Dave in the past and from now will be here) lost his shit. He yelled at me in front of our son and strangers about being a stupid, wasteful cunt.  There was no "accidents happen" nor " you just said goodbye to the person who has known you since the day you were born, of course you are a little off"... Nope straight to "stupid bitch".

My son and I did not sleep in the house that night, we slept at my dead Dads house. July 18th, visitation day. It sucked, Im an atheist so a bunch of christians saying he is in a better place, happy again with my mother did nothing but piss me off. I know for a damn fact my Dad would be happier alive spending time with my kid, which he did often. 

Anyway, I gave Dave the benefit of doubt and asked if he wanted to go to the visitation with us and stand in that stupid "lets hug cause he is dead" line. At this point, i had forgiven his outburst because i thought maybe he was more touched by Dads death than i realized and the kid really needed us both, it hit the kid hard losing his partner in crime.

So after the 4 hour hell, of reliving my dads last breaths to people i didn't remember meeting, we got in the car to head home. My nerves completely shot, Xanax wasn't touching my issues. Dave lit into me again, apparently my sisters ignored him and other family members didn't give him enough attention. To be fair, I did lose it here and I'm not sure what i said in response. I was way beyond pissed off, I screamed enough that my throat hurt the next day. 

Fast forward, after the burial, we had a family thing at my middle sister's house. Dave and my sister do not like each other at all, which is ok because i don't care for her much either. But our Dad is dead, so we are trying to figure out a relationship. BUT, less than an hour after we planted Dad, Dave couldn't handle being at her house anymore. He commenced yelling at me "I have shit to do, i can't be here all day!" and when approached by my very large, young Marine nephew... "Fuck that bitch, fuck you all" and then had his Dad pick him up. It was bad, so bad that every relative is still worried about me. I confronted him that same day and he didn't have any clue that he was in the wrong. It was a month before he admitted that it was the "wrong time" for his outburst but to this day he has not apologized.

So thats where i begin, i have not been an award winning wife, but being a good daughter is in my blood. I will make my Daddy proud and leave this jackass. 

Way Back Wednesday (although now it's Thursday)

Today was weird.  I did go out with Guy #3 tonight. I would name him but since I probably won't ever go out with him again, why bother? We went for drinks at a local bar and it was nice, but just nice...no chemistry and he talked about his drama a lot during the date. I'm a social worker all day, I don't want to hear about your shit in my downtime unless we are friends.
The super weird part of the day though was Clark. Remember Clark from like 4 years ago? He's still in NC but he messages me on FB today and we started chatting and he told me how he had loved me and would welcome me back in his life and oh yeah, did I want a roommate bc he wants to move back to Hawaii?! For real...I told him I had one, Russell. It was so strange though bc even after all this time, these strange feelings resurfaced. I told him with his ability to control people, he really should be using his powers for good. Where in the world did the universe find him?!

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

The Pool is Open!

Well I have finally decided to date again and it's already been fun, funny, and frustrating. I met a really nice guy that I thought had a lot of potential, but I was wrong. He works like all the time and is very self involved, which is fine. I don't need a clinger. He started off as a clinger and then moved into a weird zone. Then we had sex and it was ok. Ya'll know ok sex is never ok in my book...ever. After that I was kind of like "eh", then we did it again and while the sex was slightly (just slightly) better that time, I found out he snored and asked him to leave. I texted him a few days later and said I was out. I can't date someone that the sex is just ok and he snores on top of it.
Then I met a cop online and a local boy at that. I've never dated a local guy, by that I mean Hawaiian. I like him but his life seems like it has some drama so I'm proceeding with caution. He has an ex wife and 2 kids.  I was supposed to go out with him Sunday but due to a medical issue (hives) on my end I had to bail. I don't know that I want to reschedule, but I might. He seems really nice and he's cute.
Next up, we have the construction worker. He has the most drama and of course the guy I decided to go out with. He and his ex wife are involved in a nasty custody dispute. He wants full custody of his two boys. He's older too, like 12 years older than I am. We may go out tomorrow night if I can commit to it.  It just seems like it could be messy with that whole custody issue. I also don't want two boys hanging around all the time. I like easy. Guy #1 would have been easy but on the flip side it does raise some red flags when a guy is almost 40 and has never been married. I know, I know...you can't please me.
Meanwhile, I am still getting fucked regularly by Owen and it continues to be mind blowing. A guy is really going go have to be impressive for me to ever walk away from that sex. There are no current contenders in that area. Owen sex is the best I've ever had and it's been going strong since 2009.
I read a comment the other day from an old post about how to recover from being cheated on. Um, thanks but I'm the mistress. ;)

Monday, August 17, 2015

Two Minute Update

After 6 weeks of pleading (including him talking to various family members and friends) he wore me down  and I am giving him another chance. He swore things would be different and that getting that big ole kick in the ass woke him up.

He's been courting me big time and things have been really different. We will see what happens as time goes on.....


Tuesday, June 16, 2015

The More Things Change the More They Stay the Same

Peabody keeps asking me for another chance.  He’s saying all the “right” things and promising that everything will be different.  But how many chances does one person get?  How can everything that was wrong just magically change overnight? That’s what I keep asking him back.

We all know things, and especially people, don’t just change like that.  And that saying you’ll do something and actually doing it are worlds apart. 

He keeps saying he knows he was stupid and complacent, that he was wrapped up in the wrong stuff and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

It just really sucks to finally hear him say the very thing I’ve been wanting to hear all this time. 

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Good advice is worth what you pay for it

One of the best articles I've read in a long time. 6-7-8 was for me


Tuesday, June 9, 2015

For Whom the Bell Tolls

The other night I texted Peabody and told him I needed to pick up some stuff from his house (just make up but that stuff is expensive!).  He said he’d leave it on the porch in a less than nice manner. 

I went Monday afternoon and picked it up.  Thank heavens he wasn’t there; I felt nauseated the whole way just thinking about having to confront him.

Tuesday morning I got a text from him saying that this was not what he wanted and he didn’t want to lose me.  I again told him we were at an impasse and wanted different things and then he called me and for all intents and purposes begged for a second, scratch that, third chance.  He said he’d work on all his issues and he realized how selfish he’s been and that he was committed to making things different if I’d just give him the chance.  I told him saying you’ll do something and doing it are two very different things.

Later Tuesday at work I had a delivery.  Flowers.  First time he’s ever sent me flowers (he’s brought them to me twice but this was the first real delivery).  I spent the rest of the day awkwardly answering questions about them and telling my team we’d broken up.  Felt like repeated being poked with a hot poker. 

My emotions are very torn.  Part of me is really sad that it took breaking things down to this level to get the response I wanted out of him and part of me is raging mad that it took breaking things down to this level to get that response.  This is ridiculous.

I know myself well enough to know that even if I was going to give him a third chance, which I’m not, it would be doomed. I have so much resentment and frustration built up in me that I’d question everything he was doing and constantly be “testing” him which wouldn’t be fair to anyone. 

Relationships really suck sometimes. 

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Well Well Well Miranda is Back

Well as things tend to do, life has decided to come crashing in.  After almost three years with Peabody (give or take a couple months) things have bottomed out.  I probably should never have given him another chance but hindsight is 20/20. 

He’s not a bad guy, he’s really not.  He’s probably the best guy I’ve dated, but lord is he far from who I need to end up with.  He’s a guy who likes to be a martyr and be crushed under the weight of his baggage.  And that’s so not me.  I’m all for a good short term pity party but after a while that crap just gets old. 

Quite honestly after we got back together the first time, everything was really good.  I’m not even sugar coating that, that’s the truth.  It felt like things were on track, I was happy and we were headed somewhere.  Then last year he got laid off and slowly but surely it started falling apart. 

If you ever read this blog in the past, you know Miranda has a real weakness for falling for someone’s potential rather than their reality and I can let a lot of things slide but I finally have bottomed out with Peabody.

He did get another job finally but things were off track. Somewhere along the way I was trying hard to cover up for the fact that I was seeing more and more flaws.  Gwen can attest to that.  And it may be all kinds of wrong but when a man loses his motivation and begins to wallow more and more, it just gets damn hard to feel like you want to be tied to him. 

I’ve soldiered on over the last six months trying to make things right and gloss over the issues that kept bubbling to the surface of my conscious but the walls were slowly and surely falling down.  Push finally came to shove and I told him I needed to have a plan for the future and he said he doesn’t feel like he can make that kind of commitment until his kids are older. And apparently he’s feeling like his definition of “older” means 18.  

It’s not the first time we’ve talked about a future but the first time I told him it was time to shit or get off the pot (I think that’s the way the saying goes). 

Whatever.  It’s a BS reason but if he’s dumb enough to let me walk away that’s his loss for sure. And quite honestly there have been more times that I’d care to admit that I’ve thought about breaking up with him only to get reeled back in by focusing on his potential instead of his reality.

The “final” conversation finally started about a week ago.  We spent most of a terrible night arguing and him admitting that he’d rather punish himself for his past than try to be happy with a future.  Over the last week our communication has been very stilted with a redux of the same argument Tuesday night.  Friday he asked me to have a cookout over the weekend with all the kids.  I declined and he got mad and basically had a temper tantrum saying I was being mean.   Later that night he unfriended me on Facebook.  Guess that was his way of beating me to the punch of making the break up official.  I haven’t heard from him since. 

I’m doing a really good job at being flippant but that’s mostly because I feel like I’ve been prepping for this for a while.  Any way about it, I’m ok.  I really am.  It feels weird not to talk to him and to be completely disassociated with him when he’s been my focus over the last few years.  I’m currently making myself a list of things I want to do around the house to keep me busy for the next few weeks.  I’ve also become a runner (oh the horrors) over the last six months and am working on training for a 10K so that’s going to keep me busy too.

The thought of reentering the dating pool a year shy of 40 both horrifies me (I’ve become complacent in a relationship) but also excites me. I do love the thrill of the unknown; the first touch; the first kiss, etc.  But the thought of starting at ground zero, weeding through the crazies and doing the whole get to know you dance right now frankly feels exhausting. 

There’s a part of me that wants to rush right out and get in the mix but I feel like I need to take at least a few weeks off to just be Miranda.