Tuesday, June 16, 2015

The More Things Change the More They Stay the Same

Peabody keeps asking me for another chance.  He’s saying all the “right” things and promising that everything will be different.  But how many chances does one person get?  How can everything that was wrong just magically change overnight? That’s what I keep asking him back.

We all know things, and especially people, don’t just change like that.  And that saying you’ll do something and actually doing it are worlds apart. 

He keeps saying he knows he was stupid and complacent, that he was wrapped up in the wrong stuff and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

It just really sucks to finally hear him say the very thing I’ve been wanting to hear all this time. 

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Good advice is worth what you pay for it

One of the best articles I've read in a long time. 6-7-8 was for me


Tuesday, June 9, 2015

For Whom the Bell Tolls

The other night I texted Peabody and told him I needed to pick up some stuff from his house (just make up but that stuff is expensive!).  He said he’d leave it on the porch in a less than nice manner. 

I went Monday afternoon and picked it up.  Thank heavens he wasn’t there; I felt nauseated the whole way just thinking about having to confront him.

Tuesday morning I got a text from him saying that this was not what he wanted and he didn’t want to lose me.  I again told him we were at an impasse and wanted different things and then he called me and for all intents and purposes begged for a second, scratch that, third chance.  He said he’d work on all his issues and he realized how selfish he’s been and that he was committed to making things different if I’d just give him the chance.  I told him saying you’ll do something and doing it are two very different things.

Later Tuesday at work I had a delivery.  Flowers.  First time he’s ever sent me flowers (he’s brought them to me twice but this was the first real delivery).  I spent the rest of the day awkwardly answering questions about them and telling my team we’d broken up.  Felt like repeated being poked with a hot poker. 

My emotions are very torn.  Part of me is really sad that it took breaking things down to this level to get the response I wanted out of him and part of me is raging mad that it took breaking things down to this level to get that response.  This is ridiculous.

I know myself well enough to know that even if I was going to give him a third chance, which I’m not, it would be doomed. I have so much resentment and frustration built up in me that I’d question everything he was doing and constantly be “testing” him which wouldn’t be fair to anyone. 

Relationships really suck sometimes. 

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Well Well Well Miranda is Back

Well as things tend to do, life has decided to come crashing in.  After almost three years with Peabody (give or take a couple months) things have bottomed out.  I probably should never have given him another chance but hindsight is 20/20. 

He’s not a bad guy, he’s really not.  He’s probably the best guy I’ve dated, but lord is he far from who I need to end up with.  He’s a guy who likes to be a martyr and be crushed under the weight of his baggage.  And that’s so not me.  I’m all for a good short term pity party but after a while that crap just gets old. 

Quite honestly after we got back together the first time, everything was really good.  I’m not even sugar coating that, that’s the truth.  It felt like things were on track, I was happy and we were headed somewhere.  Then last year he got laid off and slowly but surely it started falling apart. 

If you ever read this blog in the past, you know Miranda has a real weakness for falling for someone’s potential rather than their reality and I can let a lot of things slide but I finally have bottomed out with Peabody.

He did get another job finally but things were off track. Somewhere along the way I was trying hard to cover up for the fact that I was seeing more and more flaws.  Gwen can attest to that.  And it may be all kinds of wrong but when a man loses his motivation and begins to wallow more and more, it just gets damn hard to feel like you want to be tied to him. 

I’ve soldiered on over the last six months trying to make things right and gloss over the issues that kept bubbling to the surface of my conscious but the walls were slowly and surely falling down.  Push finally came to shove and I told him I needed to have a plan for the future and he said he doesn’t feel like he can make that kind of commitment until his kids are older. And apparently he’s feeling like his definition of “older” means 18.  

It’s not the first time we’ve talked about a future but the first time I told him it was time to shit or get off the pot (I think that’s the way the saying goes). 

Whatever.  It’s a BS reason but if he’s dumb enough to let me walk away that’s his loss for sure. And quite honestly there have been more times that I’d care to admit that I’ve thought about breaking up with him only to get reeled back in by focusing on his potential instead of his reality.

The “final” conversation finally started about a week ago.  We spent most of a terrible night arguing and him admitting that he’d rather punish himself for his past than try to be happy with a future.  Over the last week our communication has been very stilted with a redux of the same argument Tuesday night.  Friday he asked me to have a cookout over the weekend with all the kids.  I declined and he got mad and basically had a temper tantrum saying I was being mean.   Later that night he unfriended me on Facebook.  Guess that was his way of beating me to the punch of making the break up official.  I haven’t heard from him since. 

I’m doing a really good job at being flippant but that’s mostly because I feel like I’ve been prepping for this for a while.  Any way about it, I’m ok.  I really am.  It feels weird not to talk to him and to be completely disassociated with him when he’s been my focus over the last few years.  I’m currently making myself a list of things I want to do around the house to keep me busy for the next few weeks.  I’ve also become a runner (oh the horrors) over the last six months and am working on training for a 10K so that’s going to keep me busy too.

The thought of reentering the dating pool a year shy of 40 both horrifies me (I’ve become complacent in a relationship) but also excites me. I do love the thrill of the unknown; the first touch; the first kiss, etc.  But the thought of starting at ground zero, weeding through the crazies and doing the whole get to know you dance right now frankly feels exhausting. 

There’s a part of me that wants to rush right out and get in the mix but I feel like I need to take at least a few weeks off to just be Miranda.