Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Tainted Love

I’ve been a bad girl. Let me rephrase that, I’m back to my old self. I’ve let all my anger and frustration with The Barber go for now (I mean there’s only so much I can do when he won’t communicate with me at all) and have been talking to Romeo a lot more lately.

Here’s the brief background on Romeo:

 We dated for 6 months when we were about 22, during a break with The Ex, but I found out he had a serious girlfriend living in a town about an hour and a half away. That was a long a dramatic event, the whole finding out about the girlfriend part, but I didn’t really care that much because he was my rebound guy. It was actually sort of funny to me at the time – not so much for his girlfriend though. She was crazy, but I gave her a quick attitude adjustment when I not only described her boyfriend’s man parts in great detail but also did a really good impression of his, excuse my French, cum face. Hahahahahaha she had no idea who she was messing with……I had no idea she existed so guilt didn’t come into play at all for me.

 We lost touch until about 2 years ago when I randomly saw him out a local, trashy bar. I went home with him that night and here’s the kicker….The Barber was with him (I hadn’t met The Barber up to this point yet) and drove both of our drunk asses back to Romeo’s house to have drunken sex. Yes, that is officially the first time I ‘met’ The Barber. I told you, I keep it classy.

 I stopped talking to Romeo about 6 months before I officially ‘met’ The Barber and we started dating. Romeo and The Barber grew up together and were very close until a few years ago when they drifted apart, they even have matching tattoos lol.

I can’t remember exactly how our most recent communications began – wait, yes I do – in a drunken flash of genius I stalked him on Twitter and found his phone number and sent him a generic “what’s up?” text. So we’ve been talking again for the past few months as things have gone downhill with The Barber. Long story short, I ended up chilling with him at his house and sleeping with him last Friday.

We’ve still kept it pretty PG, other than the whole getting naked and having crazy sex part, because I think we both feel a little awkward about The Barber situation. Romeo hasn’t asked me too much about The Barber and our current status but I’ve made it pretty clear to him that I’m not happy.

So, yesterday morning I woke up to a text I’d missed from the night before from Romeo asking me what I was up to. As you all know, I’m usually in bed at grandma witching hour (aka 9pm) so if you call/text me past then you’re pretty much out of luck. I ignored that text, in the spirit of the challenge and what I’ve learned from the He’s Just Not That Into You book, and got another one about 11am yesterday morning saying “Have a good day {nickname that’s too close to my real name to share}”. Again, I ignored. About fifteen minutes later I get another text saying that he wanted to see me again and he just ‘had to get some more’. I responded that time and told him when I was free and that I’d like to see him again too.

Now if that damn book wasn’t perfectly on point – if men want something, or someone, they will make it happen. We texted back and forth and eventually Romeo told me that not only was he going to come and see me that night (last night) but he was going to leave work early in order to get there at a decent hour – he works second shift. Here’s a guy that I’m not even dating and he is willing to make more of an effort than The Barber has made in two months to see me. Incidentally, he also complimented me A LOT both times we hung out on my hair, physique, clothes, scent…you name it he complimented me about it. Note to self.

Romeo got to my house about 9pm and I already knew that he had gone to his house first before coming to mine – he lives about 30 minutes away from me but works about halfway between his house and mine. I assumed, apparently incorrectly, that he did this so he could shower and let out his dog in anticipation that he wouldn’t be home until late that night. Well, he did shower and he did let his dog out but the part he forgot about was going back to his own house to sleep. After we had smoked and watched a movie I was pretty tired and he asked did I want to go upstairs. I said sure, still assuming that by that he meant “do you want to go have sex?” as opposed to “do you want to go upstairs where we will lay in your bed together and go to sleep after we have sex and I won’t leave until 8:30 the next morning?”

So we did the damn thing and I must say it’s just as good as it was when we were younger. He has ALWAYS been able to make me orgasm (and this isn’t just any old orgasm this is the good one, the g-spot one, the one that makes your whole body shake) and I mean always like every single time. He is also blessed with stamina – the kind of stamina that not only makes our sessions longer but also allows us to have multiple sessions without much rest in between. I think he would’ve done it all night long if I didn’t encourage him to bring the fun to an end so I could get some decent sleep before work.

He left this morning and overall I had a really good time with him. He made several references to moving our relationship out of the FWB zone but I basically ignored those comments. I like him, it’s not that. It’s just that our first ‘relationship’ ended so badly that I’m not sure I can ever fully trust him. I know he’s grown and matured since then but still, once a cheater always a cheater. I’m not stupid. Also, there’s the whole issue of The Barber – not only their friendship but also the fact that I haven’t had closure with him yet and I think I need that closure before I start to even think about getting into a relationship with someone else.

For right now I think I’ll just keep enjoying these fabulous orgasms.


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A Love Story - Barf Bag Not Included

Girlfriend:  I am blown away by your love for me and my love for you. I catch myself being carried away by thoughts of you and your smile that comforts my heart.  I feel so at ease with you and so protected in your arms like no other before. Of course I am scared of the unknown and being hurt, however I am here to tell you I am completely “letting go” with you. You are worth the risk. I don’t expect you to be perfect or without flaws. I just expect your honesty and your love and you will get the same from me. I am not perfect by no means and have many flaws, however something I can promise you is I will love you like no other and give you my all.  I love you!

Duckie: AWWW!!!  Thank you!!  These feelings are completely mutual!  I want you to let go and trust that I will not hurt you!!!  You are a true blessing in my life, and my kids lives too, and want you to travel this road with me.  Where it leads, time will tell, but I can promise you ALL my love and complete, total honesty!!  In these past few weeks you have shown me love I have never felt...true love!!  I haven't felt this way...ever!!!  I thought I knew what love was....I was mistaken!  You show perfect, unconditional, caring, passionate love to me and I am SO grateful for that!!!  I cannot imagine life without you! 

As far as you or me being perfect...by no means are either of us!  Like I tell my kids often..."ONLY ONE HAS EVER WALKED THIS EARTH THAT WAS PERFECT!"

You make me a better person!  I Love you more than words can express!  I want to be with you Always, and Hopefully, FOREVER!! (He goes on to quote 1 Corinthians 13 but I’m afraid to post it in this blog for fear of spontaneous combustion from sin LOL)

I Love You will All my Heart, Mind, and Soul!!!

Various Facebook Posts
Girlfriend:  I am so blessed to have you in my life!!!!!
Duckie:  No we’re Mutual Blessings!

Girlfriend:  Bring it big daddy.....
Duckie:  You know it baby.

(On being “given” roses via Superpoke)
Girlfriend:  Awwwww u awesome.  Nothing like roses!!!! smart man!
Duckie:  only the best for you!
Girlfriend: That's my man-we are a mutual blessing....

Girlfriend: Everyday i need you even more.....
Duckie: I LIKEY!
Girlfriend: Mutual blessing!
Duckie: YES! 

Think this is all true or a figment of my imagination?  Remember, they've only been dating about a month now. Excuse me while I retch and vomit. I like romance as much as the next girl (Gwyn not included) but this is like middle-school do you like me check yes or check no stuff!

TMI Tuesday - You Know You Love It

Which ONE do you wish you had more of in bed… romance, experimentation or foreplay?
Wow - I don't know...I guess a healthy combo of all of the above, but honestly I'm pretty damn satisfied sexually right now. - Jules
Experimentation I guess....but like Jules I'm pretty satisfied with the sex I'm having. I can say that I definitely don't need more romance, you know all that nice stuff makes me gag. - Gwyn
I'd say romance but that's cause I'm all focused, well attempting to foucus, on finding the fairy tale right now - Miranda

Are you capable of engaging in a "friends with benefits" relationship? Have you ever done so?
YES! It's actually about all I'm capable of at the moment. Gavin and I are rocking the FWB thing. I guess Owen and I qualify as this too. I've done it lots and it worked for me when I was married and it's still working for my commitment phobic self now. - Jules
I prefer friends with benefits about 90% of the time, as opposed to being in a serious relationship. I ALWAYS have a booty call on standby so I think I can say with confidence that not only have I done the FWB thing but I'm pretty darn good at it! - Gwyn
Honestly, I probably suck at it.  I've managed to do it with some success a few times but generally if I'm seeing someone more than 1-2 times I like them enough that keeping it at FWB is hard. - Miranda

Where was the first place you ever had sex?
My bed - Jules
A Motel 6 room in a shady part of town with another guy in there sleeping in the bed next to us. Did I mention it was with my friend-at-the-time's boyfriend (aka The Inmate)? That's right, I keep it classy. -Gwyn
I was 16 and it was in my own bed while my parents were out of town. I planned the whole damn thing too. - Miranda

Does size matter? 
Hell yeah it matters and if girls say otherwise they are either lying or they have never had a really big, thick cock...just saying. - Jules
I think the real question is "Does anything matter as much as size?" - Gwyn
I'd like to say "it's not the meat, it's the motion," but when you're comparing cocktail weenies to bratwurst, the bratwurst wins out every time. - Miranda

Have you ever had sex in your office or your place of employment?
Sort of - I mentioned the other day that I did have sex in the hotel where I bartended on several occasions - but not my actual spot of employment - Jules
I haven't had sex but have fooled around, but not at my current place of employment. -Gwyn
Nope, though it's a fantasy. - Miranda

Ever been skinny dipping?
Of course I have been...most recently with Clark in the ocean - HOT. - Jules
Yes, a few times. But I'm afraid my OCD tendencies never let me really enjoy it. The germ implications are a little overwhelming. -Gwyn
Yes a few times and it's awesome! - Miranda

Top or bottom?
Yes - Jules
Either way works for me. -Gwyn
More - Miranda

Where Would You Wish To Wake Up?
In a hotel overlooking the ocean with  room service, a hot tub, a massage, and a hot guy fucking me like crazy before I have to get up and face the day OR  here with my baby pooh bear coming in to snuggle before I make her get ready for school - honestly I love both scenarios...see I can be wholesome...lmao. - Jules
This is another one of those questions that requires fantasizing and choosing favorites, omg these are killing me! I have no hard and set preferences but I can tell you that wherever I wake up I'd like the following to be a part of the setting: pot and related accessories, a comfortable mattress with clean linens, limited number of other human beings, tigers and lions who don't eat people, lots of large birds, my Ipod, a huge library of books, constant sunshine with a breeze, cleaning supplies, a soccer ball, earplugs and a cabana boy to satisfy all my sexual desires. - Gwyn 
Yall kill me! In light of my current overwhelmed, stressed out work status, I'd say I'd like to wake up laying in a huge comfy bed with crisp white linens with a pitcher of mimosas next to the bed while the ocean breeze stirs the curtians and a certain someone who shall remain unamed has his arms wrapped around me and is kissing me. - Miranda


Mourning the loss of a relationship is normal I suppose…it’s just not something I tend to spend a lot of time on…ever.  I did it some with the split from Russell, but since he’s part of my everyday life still…it’s different. I’m sure I will experience it more so when we finally move apart.  Today, I’ve caught myself mourning the Clark time. Ok, let me rephrase…the good Clark time before he became mentally and verbally abusive. I honestly thought that relationship was going to go somewhere and that we were both finally at a place to make it happen. I thought that the universe reconnected us to make that happen. Clearly, I was wrong.
No worries my dear readers, while I’m sad…I’m NOT stupid. I’m NOT going to contact him or anything. I realize now that he has major issues that he has to deal with himself and people do not change until they are ready to do so for themselves.  Life is short so I don’t give people 3rd chances. I know it’s really and truly over this time.  I just kind of wish things had gone differently, that’s all. 
So when Gavin called me tonight to go hang out with him under the stars and the moon and fuck, I was on it. What helps you get over one man? ANOTHER one...Gavin's good for some fun, so I had some tonight and I feel better. 

Monday, September 27, 2010

I'm a P.I.M.P

About a week ago I was on Craigslist looking at jobs and came across an ad looking for a girl willing to engage in some foot fetish activities and/or take foot pictures. I immediately thought of Miranda since she is always getting compliments on her feet and has dated several guys who seem to fall somewhere on the foot fetish spectrum. After emailing back and forth with the guy for a week or so, she agreed that she would let him take some pictures of her feet for a fee.

Throughout the negotiation process I helped Miranda set the ground rules for this meeting – I mean the guy looks and seems innocent enough but you can never be too careful. We told the guy (a) the meeting must take place in a public place like a park or at least at a hotel where there are other people around (b) Miranda must be allowed to bring someone with her and (c) only pictures will be taken, no foot fetish activities. He agreed to all the rules and even offered up his DL number, full name and contact information, etc. He also sent a picture of himself which provided Miranda and I with plenty of laughs. He’s a scrawny looking country boy with dark brown, long hair that is styled so that the ends of his hair are flipped out (and I mean it looks like he purposely styled it this way) to give him a sort of white trash, Charlie’s Angels look. Words don’t really do this hair justice.

Well, the meeting was tentatively scheduled for yesterday (Sunday) but as of yet Miranda hasn’t heard back from the little toe sucker. I’m still hoping that he reappears because this has got to be one of the things on my bucket list – #342: accompany friend on foot fetish photo shoot with strange man. I promised Miranda that I would go with her for protection but also that I would have to have my back turned for most of it or else there’s no way I could keep a straight face. I don’t want to ruin a perfectly good toe shot with my giggling after all.

I’ve really gotten a kick out of this whole experience – is this what it feels like to be a pimp? Negotiating ground rules, check. Setting prices, check. Setting up anonymous Paypal accounts to receive dirty money, check. Providing security for my ‘girl’ while she is performing her duties, check. Planning on taking the money from her so that I can spend it on my thirtieth birthday shots next weekend, check. Maybe living like Bishop Don Juan isn’t so bad after all…..
I’ve also been doing some research on foot fetishes and the men who have them and found some pretty classic Craigslist postings, here they are for your enjoyment. I must say, the last one is definitely my favorite. Who knew it was this easy to make a buck?
  1. I'm looking for some everyday ordinary women to model their large feet for an online magazine. All shots will be very tasteful and shot in a professional setting.
  2. We are looking for very attractive girls with pretty feet to get paid $300 - $400 per night to have their feet massaged and kissed at our weekly foot fetish events including one coming up this Thursday (September 23rd) at 7pm!
  3. If you have clean and sexy toes/feet and like foot massages or having them worshiped hit me up I like feet.
In other news, things aren’t going well with The Barber. Let’s just say he’s not exactly communicating with me right now to the level I expect and I’m about to my breaking point. I ended up sleeping with Romeo (his fake cousin) this weekend if that tells you anything about my state of mind. The sex was amazing by the way and extremely satisfying. Romeo has a tongue ring, just thought I’d throw that out there. The Ex also came over last night to talk and we had a few laughs and enjoyed each other’s company. I’m not sure where things are headed at this point but I’m trying to stop worrying about it so much and just let the universe point me in the right direction. I also read Miranda’s book, He’s Just Not That Into You and it’s definitely been helpful to give me the boost I need to make some changes in my dating life. This weekend I'm celebrating the big 30 and I can say with almost certainty that it’s going to provide lots of good blog post material. The hair is getting curled, the heels are going on and the sex kitten is coming out!



Laying Low with the Men Folk

Well, this ended up being a totally chill weekend with a fun twist at the end. Gavin called me yesterday morning to apologize for missing dinner. He asked what I was doing and told him I had a big kid day planned with Chloe. I told him it was fine that he missed dinner, no big deal. I think he probably did get a little scared b/c I have made such a big deal out of guys meeting Chloe and he knows this about me, but here's where it's different with him. I joke about being his 2nd gf and him being my new p/t bf, but I don't know what are are. I do know that we are really becoming good friends that fuck at this stage of the game, so it's not the big deal it would normally be for me if we were actually dating. Anyway, I had an awesome day with my little girl yesterday and her Girl Scout troop (yes, I was the leader...pick up your jaw). We did a big cookout and ended up being out until 11pm. Gavin called me right as we were getting home, but I was all talked out and exhausted so I just let it go. My other reason was I think I've been too available lately. I know that borderline sounds like I'm playing a game with him, which I'm not...but there is such as thing as being too available for anyone.
Today I hung with my gays...we went on a hike and then they took me to lunch. It was a great day. I'm exhausted and when I got home from picking Chloe up tonight from a friend's house I was so headed to the couch to watch Desperate Housewives and then off to an early bedtime. Alas, the best laid plans...
Texas moved back to HI for about 2 weeks and then he bolted. I still don't know the whole story, but basically it just wasn't the right time for him to be back here I guess. He's leaking it out to me in pieces. He started IMing me hot and heavy again a few days ago and tonight he was on and asked if I could webcam with him. This was at 9:30pm my time. I was all over that. He's one of those guys that you just like talking to because he's funny, he's a great conversationalist, and he tells me a 100 times in a conversation how pretty and sexy I am. Who doesn't want to hear that?? Well we had some crazy technical difficulties and after an hour and a half and 4 (yes 4) different video chat systems, we were able to have some hot webcam sex. He's one of those men that is a Southern gentleman to talk to, but when it's sex time he's super aggressive. It was fun, but it's strange because I'm not sure why he keeps in touch. Regardless, its fun for me because it's closer to interactive sex than just plain ole masturbating.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Living the Good Life

I have to say, between Gwyn’s communication challenge and my new mantra, “he’s just not that into you,” I’m feeling quite bold and empowered these days.  Even with my kid free week, I’m not feeling compelled to fill every minute with boys.  That’s not to say I’ve been sitting at home, hell I’ve been out almost every night, but my time out and about has been filled with friends and incidentally I’ve been having a freaking blast.

Thursday night was the work concert/out with work friends/sugar daddy incident.  Friday night I went out to a country bar with some of my girlfriends.  We had a FREAKING hilarious time.  We danced our asses off and drank our faces off.  While we were out I ran into the Pool John crowd where I immediately became best friends (as only drunk girls can do) with one of the girls in his crowd and danced like a crazy fool with a couple of his guy friends.  I even was renamed Princess Sasha because apparently ever girl needs a bar name to give to undesirable men.  Who knew?

So this one friend of his is super cute (we’re just going to call him new guy) and I’ve seen him out in this setting before and apparently I zeroed in on him and spent the majority of my time dancing with him.  At the end of the night I invited the crowd back to my place for a late night.  My new BFF came and she, the new guy, another guy, and me stood in my tiny kitchen drinking even more beer until like 4 am.  Then my new BFF and her guy left and it was just me and the new guy.

One thing led to another and we ended up having freaking hot, wild sex!  It kind of came out of nowhere though I’ll admit I told him he could crash at my place so he didn’t have to drive and I’ll admit that instead of making him sleep on the couch I invited him to sleep in the bed with me.  And before we got in the bed I told him he had to behave but I guess I didn’t make myself behave because I’m pretty sure I’m the one who started things by grabbing his face and kissing the hell out of him. 

The sex was pretty awesome.  TMI alert – look away now if you don’t want to hear too much – He kept telling me how “hot and wet” I was.  This makes me laugh because Duckie used to always tell me how hot it felt inside me but I can’t even remember the last time Duckie and I had sex that didn’t require extra lubricant.  When I moved out, I bought a bottle of lube but I haven’t even cracked the lid.  Almost every guy I’ve been with since has sad something to the same effect of me being so hot and wet.  Guess it was just Duckie all along – LOL!

Anyways, we crashed for a while and then he left which was really fine with me.  I didn’t want his number or want to give him mine or anything, though if he wanted to be FWB  I’d consider that.  He did give me half a hickey though which was not cool!  Funnily enough the Pool John crowd is about six guys – Pool John, Cabana Boy, SoCo, the new guy, and two others.  Out of his crowd, I’ve slept with three of them now.  Whoops! LOL!  But from what I can tell, none of them know that. I crashed for a while longer and then laid out for a couple hours (gotta love fall in the south) and then it was time for my date with Twin.

I’d been debating if I was going to sleep with Twin; we’re about at that juncture in the relationship.  But I decided to hold off because 1 – I’d be breaking my 24 hour rule thanks to the new guy, and 2 – I know Twin would most likely tell me he loved me which I so don’t want him to do.  I went out to Twin’s house, which is super nice incidentally, and we went to have dinner at this very upscale restaurant in a near by golf community.  We actually had a great time at dinner just talking and laughing.  Then we headed back to his place and went four-wheeler riding (super fun!), and chilled out for a while. 

We laid on the couch and we played for a while but I was determined not to stay the night because I knew I would give in and sleep with him, plus my secret intention was to get back home in time to go back out with the same friends from the night before.  I definitely let Twin take things a lot further than I have before but hell, it was so worth it!  I can’t remember if I mentioned it but Twin has a foot fetish (like the 10th guy I’ve dated with one – good thing I have good feet!).  I know in the past in our Asses and Toes post we talked about how we felt about foot play but I think I’m starting to change my mind.  Twin did this thing where he licked between my second and third toe in this way that sent a tingle straight to my special spot.  It almost made me sit upright, it was that hot.  He’s got a talented tongue – we’ll just leave it at that for now. LOL!

Some of you, probably including Gwyn, have to be wondering why I continue to see Twin and I’ll post about that later. This post is getting too long as it is. 

So after I left his place I scooted back here and got Pool John to pick me up so I didn’t have to drive and we actually went back to that same country bar from Friday night. It was a freaking sword fight in there, it was crawling with guys.  My new BFF was there and we had a hilarious time avoiding eye contact with crusty guys (Jules – look at you boobs!) and stalking cute boys.  Ultimately we ended up going home alone but it was still a blast.  I was kind of hoping new guy would have been there again because I would have enjoyed round two but it was probably for the best to go home alone.

So there it is, my new “lifestyle” weekend.  Don’t know if its as exciting for you to read about as usual but I’m kind of loving it.  


Saturday, September 25, 2010

Porn Star

Gavin has always called me his porn star, like from Day 1. I ‘m not bragging, but I’m pretty good at these activities. He’s apparently discovered the world of CL and a few weeks ago suggested that we post an ad on there to perform in front of others (for a donation of course). His rationale was that 1. We’re having sex anyway. 2. We could get paid. and 3. Be watched. I was ok with this, but then started thinking about being in other people’s houses on their beds and it kind of freaked me out. Plus, we initially were talking about looking at men (because let’s face it women aren’t paying for porn – live or otherwise) and the men that responded to the one ad I did post were all into doing a lot more than watching. Gavin said he wasn’t cool with that one night (in an actual moment of honesty), but then later shrugged it off and said well if you want to do it, it would be more cock for you.  Then he decided that if we did it, it should be couples only.  By the way, he actually in a very round about way asked if I’m seeing anyone else the other day. Since it was almost a direct question, I gave an almost honest answer and said I’m not. Clark was already history when he asked and since I’ve seen Owen a grand total of 10 times all year…I’m not even counting it. 

This week’s idea has been that we start webcam modeling. Now, I’m actually not opposed to this especially after learning how much Clark made doing this. I mean again…we’re having sex anyway. LOL! Last night Gavin came over after I got home from school and we did some “research”. It’s kind of weird because until someone invites you into a private chat room, you must keep your genitals and anus clothed. We’re a little on the fence about it, but I suspect we try it out at some point.  The evening ended well because the research made us all hot and bothered and he’s decided that his new favorite place to be is in my ass. It’s funny how I banned him and now he’s so excited to be getting it. I told him if he hadn’t freaked out that first time, he could have had it all along. 

I’ve decided that I’m happy having him in my life in this capacity. It’s just easy, he’s so nice to me, he tells me how great I am all the time, he makes me laugh, and I don’t have to expend a lot of emotional energy.  Miranda says since I’m his 2nd gf, he’s my part-time bf. I think this is the perfect thing for me. We talk a lot and have truly become friends.  Hell, we talked on the phone Wednesday night for 30 minutes. I don’t talk to anyone on the phone that long if I can at all help it. Now don’t think I’m all settling down into this polygamist 2nd gf role, but for right now it’s awesome. 

True to my suspicions, Chloe found out about Gavin coming over Tuesday night. Wednesday night on the way home from the airport, she grilled me.  She asked how long I’ve known him, how often he comes over, questions about his dog, etc.  It was hilarious, but I was pretty honest (though very vague).  Since Russell agreed that at some point they should meet, I’ve decided today is the day. Now granted they have already met, but not like at our house with me around kind of thing. He called me this morning to ask me out to a movie tonight and I said I couldn’t because Russell won’t be home until late. Then these words just left my mouth – “I’m cooking dinner for neighbor lady and her daughter (since her husband is away this week), why don’t you come eat with us?”.  He likes the neighbor family and I don’t think the man has ever turned down a free meal, so he’s coming. I’m hoping Russell doesn’t get pissed, but I think it’ll be ok. I’ve decided to tell him that Gavin just happened to be at neighbor lady’s house and I went ahead and invited him too.  

PS Here's the update...Gavin called me twice during the evening to tell me once he was on the way soon after looking at an apt. and the second time to tell me he was staying "up country" with some friends and didn't want to drive...this was after I told him Russell was coming home around 10:15pm and we could not "party" at my house. It worked out because my neighbor totally ratted him out tonight and told me that he thinks I'm awesome...that I'm smart, hot, and have my shit together. Those are apparently quotes. I'm clearly unlike any of his previous harem. That being said, I'm a little pissed he blew off dinner, but whatever...maybe he's just not that into me...lol.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Damn You Prince Charming. Damn You Jenna Jameson.

I came across this cartoon and thought you all might enjoy! I think this captures it pretty perfectly...


He's Just Not That Into You

So a few months ago, I stumbled upon the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” on TV and I was quite intrigued by it. It was a pretty accurate portrayal of your average girl’s behavior and really made me want to hunt down the book to see how it compared. I quickly forgot about finding the book as life got busy with all my power dating but last weekend I managed to get my hands on a used copy of the book.

It’s a very short, quick read and it’s pretty freaking awesome. It’s kind of presented as a Q&A with questions from women with the book’s authors answering the questions. Now I’m far from a “self-help” book about men's behavior kind of girl, but this book is like your conscious speaking directly to you. None of what’s covered is earth-shaking or new territory but it pretty much says what you’ve been trying to avoid thinking.

Basically, the book says we, women, make up a lot of bullshit excuses for men’s behavior because we just don’t want to believe they don’t love us. We say they are really busy, distracted, or overwhelmed with work and that’s why they can’t possible call us or see us when they say they will. We say they’ve been really hurt in past relationships or they like us so much it scares them and that’s why they just want to be “friends” or why they won’t commit to us. We make excuses and cover-up bad behavior by saying our guys are “different” when they are alone with us, that he broke up with us because he was scared, or that he’s so unhappy in his marriage it’s ok to be in a relationship with him. I could go on and on.

Ultimately, our women friends create, analyze, and reinforce those excuses and reasons that we come up with because, well hell, maybe part of it is being nice and wanting to support your girlfriends but mostly I just blame it all on the estrogen, which clearly makes us crazy.

The bottom line is that men are not complicated and there are no mixed messages. If he doesn't ask you out, call you soon after a date, or want to come inside with you after a date, then he's just not that into you. If he only wants to hang out when he’s drinking, if he’s married, or if he keeps going MIA, then he’s just not that into you. Essentially the book is trying to remind women that we need good boundaries and to remember that if he's just not that into you, it's not your problem, it's his, and you need to let him go.

So reading this book while fascinating did come with a few figurative smacks to back of my head for me. Clearly, I made tons of excuses for Lawyer Boy’s lack of attention. I overlooked IT’s bad behavior until it was just scary. FJB got a pass on his non-communicative tendencies and inability to make plans. Need I go on?

Every time I sit down and write a new post, I endeavor to be as truthful and honest as possible. But even then, I edit things, I present guys in a better light, I try to cover up some of my missteps. The reality is that all these guys that I’ve “liked” and it hasn’t worked out, they have just not been that into me. And instead of giving them one more moment of my day thinking about them, wondering what I did wrong, trying to figure out ways to win their favor back, I’m just going to accept the fact that they just weren’t into me. And damn it, I deserve someone to be into me. I already settled for 10 long years with Duckie and I’ll be damned if I’m ever going to settle again.

So what does this all mean? Basically, I’m going to move forward and try to only stay involved with guys who are clearly into me. I’m going to stop making excuses for shitty behavior and as quickly as possible excommunicate anyone in my life that doesn’t seem “into me.” Along with our week of non-initiating communication, this book has pretty much changed the game for me and I’m kind of loving it. Remind me of that next time I’m whining about a boy who’s not behaving the way I want please!

In other news, last night was another work concert and I actually was well behaved – LOL! We went to a local bar after the concert, one of my favorite VIP’s was there, and he came over to our booth, sat down, and started talking to me. He started telling me how amazing, beautiful, and intriguing I was. He said our 20-year age difference didn’t bother him and all he was looking for was a beautiful woman to have great conversation with. He said he’d love to take care of me and support me in whatever way I needed, financially or otherwise, and just be his companion. LMFAO! That’s right, he straight up offered to be my sugar daddy!

I’ll be honest and say I thought about his offer for about half a minute. Then I looked at his saggy pouches under his eyes, he’s enormous beer belly, the liver spots on his arms, his chrome dome on top (not to mention the fact that he’s a good 5 inches shorter than me), and I had to decline in the nicest way possible. No money is worth that!


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Times Are A Changing

So this weeklong challenge of not initiating contact with boys has been quite interesting. It has given me a lot of time to do some thinking about what I want and what I’ve been getting. Coupled with the fact that I stumbled upon an actual hard copy of the book, “He’s Just Not that Into You” which has provided peals of laughter and some slaps in the face, I think perhaps I’ve been barking up the wrong proverbial trees.

So since we started this challenge, I’ve been pretty good. Other than 1-2 random drunken texts, I haven’t initiated ANYTHING. I know, pretty impressive for ole’ Miranda. Who have I heard from this week? Wooderson and Tiny Baby Head just a couple times, but mostly from Hot Chocolate, Twin, and College Crush.

Now Hot Chocolate called me out one day via phone and asked me how I was feeling about him. The trust is pretty freaking ambivalent. I think more than anything I’m realizing he was my rebound guy from FJB. He is a very nice guy and he’s very attractive but honestly, I’m just not feeling the desire to take things any further with him. He talks, A LOT, and he hardly every asks questions about me beyond “How was your day” and “What are you doing” which just are not up to par. He’s known I was pulling way back but he has been biding his time. I actually cut him from the team yesterday. I told him it was just too complicated with him being with Leo, that Leo was already asking why we talked so much, and that I had real concerns about what Duckie would do when he found out. I mean I’d be pretty uncomfortable if the girl Duckie was dating was keeping our kid 3 hours a day. And as good as things have been with Duckie, I really don’t want to test the waters and have things go back downhill. Hot Chocolate said he was fine with however I wanted to leave things.

College Crush and I have been very up and down the last few weeks but we had this really good, long text conversation on Sunday. Basically it amounts to the fact that we both have a ton of fun together but the distance/scheduling issues (we live about 1.5 hours apart) always bite us in the ass. I told him I was open to seeing him again but he would have to ask me, I wasn’t just going to invite myself down to hang out with him. Randomly, Monday my horoscope said a whole bunch of stuff about surprising things coming up from a friendship and that I shouldn’t rule anyone out just yet. WTF?

Twin has been the most consistent communicator. I’m actually growing quite fond of my Grandpa Twin (we add in the Grandpa when we’re talking about his name, which is one of the oldest sounding names ever). Realistically I’m very skeptical that it would amount to full-blown relationship but you never know. I think we both bring good things to the table – I definitely lighten him up and he calms me down LOL – and we both know that distance/scheduling is an issue here too (we live about an hour apart). I do think Twin needs some more time to process his divorce before he’s going to authentically be ready to be involved with someone and not just rebounding so I’ve intentionally taken it very slow with him. I have agreed to see him this Saturday and I’m traipsing down to his neck of the woods so that should be entertaining to say the least.

I failed to mention that Sawyer is back and trying hard to get back in my good graces – and bed. I am happy communicating with him via email right now but I’m not going to let it go further. The bottom line is he’s married and no matter what I think/feel/say/do, I need to respect that. If he ever actually leaves his wife, we can talk about “us” but not until then. He has greatly toed the line of “I miss you,” “I want to be with you,” etc this week though.

I will say most of my compulsion to initiate texting exchanges is gone now and I certainly have been able to easily resist contacting FJB or any of the other boys from the past. I’m learning to be ok with my phone being “quite” and frankly, I’m very curious to see how my text usage drops overall lol. I’m a big texter – like close to 5,000 a month!

I’ve had the kids this past week so we shall see if this newfound sense of peace and Zen continues into the upcoming kid free week. Keep your fingers crossed. Learning to be “alone” is clearly something I’ve needed to work on and I think this is a good start.

I’m going to save the “He’s Just Not That In To You” topic for my next post but let’s just say it’s going to be eye opening.


Timing is Everything

Well today is finally the day I stood up and gave Clark the full on "fuck you". It started with him texting and IMing me and it went in between the 'I love you' to the 'You're a whore' kind of range. Yesterday he texted me on and off ALL day. I ignored and ignored. Today I was not as strong and during one of the nice periods of his psychoses, I made the fatal error of responding. I'm weak and I'll admit I fucked up. So in an effort to never fuck up again or to have him look through his phone records in another year and find me again, I changed my number.

I headed to my favorite beach, my place of Zen where I wrote my MSW personal statement and where I asked for a divorce, and I called my carrier and switched my number right then and there. For some reason, that beach really is my power source. It was the MOST liberating thing I've done since asking for a divorce. ;) I immediately texted my Dad my new number because he's not on FB yet and called Gavin with it. I also was thankful to have some very supportive texting with Miranda and Josie, both of them knew why I'd changed my number - thanks guys!!! Surprisingly few people (including Russell) have asked why I changed it. I did mention to Russell a few weeks ago that I thought I should change my number because Chloe's school only has one phone line that can call me (due to it previously being long distance).

Anyway, I was talking to my Dad today and I have not shared with him what's going on with my personal life. I don't talk about it with my parents. They don't ask about my dating life and I don't share it with them. That being said, my Dad has hilarious timing. Something we were discussing made him compare me to my grandfather and this spawned him to go into the quote I wrote a few days ago about pissing someone I hated out. I laughed so hard I had to stop to catch my breath. If only he knew how impeccable his timing was and just how ironic it was that he picked today to bring this up.
I've told you guys about Gavin's timing...it's spot on. I swear when I need that man, he just appears. We talked some today when I was telling him about my number change and then he called me again this afternoon to see what I was doing this evening. He knows that sometimes on Tuesday nights, I'm home alone. Today was one of those days where I happened to be home alone. He asked if he could come over and I said "of course!". He walked in and I had stopped cleaning to shower for his arrival, but he took forever to get here so I started vacuuming while I waited. During this time, he arrived and walked into me vacuuming the house nude. I'm not sure how long he watched me before he spoke, but it startled the crap out of me. I stopped and we came into my room to play around. He'd had a few drinks already and was feeling mighty frisky. Since I was naked, he told me to spread my legs and pull my kitty apart for him to lick. (Have I mentioned that I LOVE when he comes over all aggressive sexually??) I did just what he asked and apparently with such flourish (because I actually threw my legs pretty much behind my head) that it took him aback. The look on his face was priceless. He got straight to it and finally he asked if we could go straight to anal. I agreed and we had some a-m-a-z-i-n-g, just what I needed kind of sex.

Today is his son's birthday, so I thought after we finished he would leave for dinner. Instead, he noted he had some time and asked if we could sit on the porch and hang out. I grabbed some beers and out we went. During this time, all of the neighborhood children flocked over because they adore him and wanted to see him. It was quite funny watching him interact with them. Eventually, he left for his son's dinner. He invited me to come, but since things are not always (by this I mean rarely) smooth with his ex-wife, I told him I didn't think this would be a good plan. He called me a few minutes later and thanked me for the a-m-a-z-i-n-g sex.

In the meantime, Russell came back and I told him about the kids coming over and I was worried this might get back to Chloe. He totally shrugged it off, so I ventured forward. I told him that Gavin and I really are just friends...I mean yes, we fuck a lot, but we're friends. I re-visited that I would like for him to teach Chloe how to surf one day and suggested that at some point they really should meet because it's not like we sit around and make out in front of kids and all. (Gavin actually told me earlier when we were on the phone that he was talking to her in the neighborhood the other day and he thinks she's beautiful and smart, like her mom.) Surprisingly, Russell said "ok".

Gavin called me after dinner to see if I wanted to go hang out at some friends' house and party with him. I declined telling him I have to work tomorrow and go to school, but I'm really over the partying after what happened a few weeks ago. Plus I want to work up here one day in my field, so it's not cool for me to be seen out partying with him in that capacity. He was totally cool about it and I'm looking forward to Russell being gone this week and being able to hang out some more.

Owen emailed me this morning to say his wife changed her work schedule for the next few weeks and would be around a lot, but he's staying overnight somewhere else during the week to lessen his commute and suggested we meet up one night soon. I told him this week is kind of out with Russell being gone, but I'm down for next week! Just for the record, I'm swearing off men under 30 and I'm actually leaning toward an under 40 rule as well.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

TMI Tuesday - Questions Answered From The Trio

1. Name one thing that turns you on with unprecedented success.
When guy kisses my neck...o-m-g.  - Jules
Back rubs....works every time. - Gwyn
Playing with my hair - OMG practically makes me purr- Miranda

2. Quick! Look around you and name 3 ordinary items that could be used sexually.
Well, I'm sitting on my bed with a box of toys in reach, but I won't count those. My cell phone because it vibrates, a water bottles (lid on!), and lotion. - Jules
Chair, cell phone, stress balls. Ok, sorry but I’m in my office so the pickins are sort of slim. My thought process is have sex in the chair, video it on the cell phone and if you’re into it I’m sure the stress ball can fit in tight spaces. - Gwyn 
HAHAHA - Yall kill me!  In in my office so I'd say pens (fun to doodle with), mini-clothes pins (umm tiny s&m items), and post it notes (i could make some sexy post it lingerie). - Miranda

3. Do you consider sex good even if you don't orgasm?
I'm pretty sure I've never had sex without an orgasm, but no, I would think it sucked! - Jules
Not really. But, then again, orgasm is easy for me to achieve so it hasn’t been that often that I’ve experienced anything less. But there have been a few times I can remember and I would definitely not classify those times as good sex. -Gwyn
Well in the past I would have said yes, I mean hell with Duckie I hardly ever had an orgasam and I thought it was my fault.  Now a days, I see the error of my ways with how often Team Miranda has made me cross the finish line and while I won't say sex sucks without an orgasam, it's definitely better with one. - Miranda

4. If you could be the opposite sex for one day, what sexual position or act would you like to experience from the other side?
That's a tough one...I'm going to go with anal because I want to know if it feels as tight as they say and why they like it so much. I know why I do, but it would be interesting to experience from the other side. - Jules
Next question please. Just thinking about that sort of grosses me out. - Gwyn
I'd totally be all over a blow job. - Miranda

5. Describe a sexual fantasy in 10 words or less.
I've pretty much lived them all, except....daytime sex on beach with lots of foreplay(8 words). - Jules
You know I’m not much of a ‘favorites’ person, it’s the same with fantasies. Honestly, I’ve never spent much time thinking about sexual fantasies. There are things I like and things I don’t like but nothing I really fantasize about. Sorry to disappoint. I can’t even pick a favorite position much less a whole scenario. Maybe it’s the Libra in me. - Gwyn
You, me, blind fold, hands tied - nuff said - Miranda

Guess What??

OMG I just stumbled upon this blog...I don't even know what to say about it, except I feel really good about my body right now. It's hilarious and weird all at the same time. It's a funny game. Here's a tidbit for TMI Tuesday (because it's officially Tuesday on the East Coast now)...I did not start shaving the kitty beyond basic bathing suit needs until I started having an affair. For years now,  I've had a "landing strip"...men LOVE it.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Hard Core

Yesterday was just one of those days. I did some hard core soul searching and decided that I would rather be in a FWB relationship with Gavin, who makes me feel good about myself and makes me laugh a lot, than to be in a relationship with someone like Clark.

It was Day 2 of no contact with Clark and I’m officially done. Now I know a lot of you are saying "yeah, right", but it’s over this time. My Daddy often compares my hard core nature to that of my Grandfather’s. When I’ve reached a point with people that I’m ready to cut them out of my life, I do it and I never look back. His eloquent saying about it is this: "If you passed someone you hated on fire on the side of the road, you wouldn’t even pull over to piss them out.". I’m to that point with Clark. I really am. You can stick a fork in it, because it’s done now. He texted me this morning and I basically told him to fuck off. He claimed I was being jealous and I should go see Owen and get over it. I sat on my hands in an effort to not reply and tell him that I’d never quit seeing him or Gavin in the first place. I have no idea if he really went to hang out with that girl this weekend of if he just went off the grid to make me think he did, but I don’t care. Either way, he sucks as a human and I don’t want to be with him. I don’t care if he did see someone else this weekend, but I hate that he claims to love me and then ignores me for 2 days. Who does that? I don’t like the person I am when I’m with him. It’s one step away from being something really bad. Gavin called me last night to tell me how his kid did in his races and to tell me good night as he was going to bed. That’s the kind of positive energy I need in my life right now, not this other crap.

So that’s that…now here’s some stuff that went down with Russell.
File this under ‘the Devil made me do it’, but I went through his phone yesterday. Honestly, I don’t know why I did it…just had a feeling. I had the same feeling the time I went through and found out about the ex in January, which is what prompted me to ask for a divorce. Well, I’m glad I did it because I found a ton of texts he had saved from earlier this summer – things about when I threw all his stuff out to when I’d taken pills to when I’d had people over. I threw a hissy fit. I told him I thought we had moved into a good place and I could not believe he’d kept all of that stuff. I swear the man could have smacked me across the face and I would have been less hurt and less surprised. He lied his ass off and told me that he had saved them at the time, but had forgotten they were still in there. I told him I did not believe that and that if he had an agenda, he better tell me what it is NOW. We had a very long, tearful, sincere talk where we discussed our current situation. He erased all of the texts. His rationale, which at the time I find legit…not 3 months later though, was that I was acting so insane and he was holding on to anything he could to protect himself. I get that, but again I don’t understand why he kept them for so long. He didn’t have any recent stuff though, so maybe he’s telling some version of the truth. Anyway, he held me and I cried and finally he kissed me, told me he loved me, and that he thinks I’m a great mom and that he knows Chloe is better off with me in the long run and would never try to take her from me. I think he honestly meant those things, but I also feel like someone ripped the carpet from under my feet. Regardless, it’s all erased now which was my end game.

After our fight, we put Chloe to bed, ate some very cold dinner, and smoked a little of the fake stuff. I learned that one hit is where it’s at…moderation. Then we started talking about Bob, who was inside washing the dishes and avoiding us like the plague. I told him that there is NO way Bob is straight. He said he doesn’t care either way and that he just really enjoys his friendship. I told him I understand that because that’s how I feel about Gavin’s friendship. Then he asked me to quit saying things implying or pushing Bob to admit that he’s not the straightest man because he would like to see if it ever evolves. I like Bob, so I agreed to not cock block him…ROFL.


Sunday, September 19, 2010

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

So yesterday was mine and Duckie’s 11th wedding anniversary and I didn’t even remember it until about mid-afternoon.  I had thought about it earlier in the week and I was glad that Duckie has a girlfriend to keep him entertained.  I debated on calling him or sending him a text saying something about it but what the hell was I supposed to say really?  I mean “Happy Anniversary” certainly wasn’t the right sentiment.  Ultimately I just let it slide and didn’t acknowledge it in any way with him.

Earlier in the week I finally busted him for his girlfriend (who lives in the same apartment building as me).  I felt like I had to address it because Ladybug told me that daddy and the girlfriend had taken her to the park last weekend. 

So I called him up and said we needed to talk about a few things.  I just threw it right out there that I knew he was dating my neighbor and he owned up to it. He said it entirely freaked him out when she told him where she lived.  Then I asked him about the whole park thing with Ladybug.

He swore it wasn’t a “romantic” situation and they didn’t ride there together or anything.  Still, I think it’s a little inappropriate.  I know the situation is different because the kids already know the girl from her being my neighbor and talking to her down at the pool and stuff but it’s still weird.  He said he’d only told the kids that she was a “friend” and that he didn’t intend to say anything else unless things got serious.

Duckie also said he’d talked to Leo about the fact that we both would be dating other people and reassured him that the kids would always be number one in both our lives.  He said Leo had a couple questions but he walked away seemingly satisfied with everything.

We talked about introducing people to the kids in general and weirdly, he said he didn’t want to meet anyone I’d introduce.  I think that’s kind of weird but whatever. I figured he’d have wanted to “approve” of anyone who was going to be around the kids but maybe the whole idea of me being with someone else is just not something he’s ready to face up to. 

My intention is not to introduce ANYONE to the kids until 1 – the divorce is final, and 2 – I’m super serious about someone.  Kids get attached way to easily and I just don’t want to bring that into the kids lives.  I was worried Leo had told Duckie about the night he accidentally met College Crush but it never came up so I guess Leo held his tongue.

I told Duckie to please let neighbor girl know that I knew about them and that it was ok with me.  I also told him to feel free to hang out at her place and not worry about that being weird, though he did say he thought that would be too uncomfortable.

All in all it was a very grown up and adult conversation that was handled quite well by both of us.  How weird to be talking to him about dating though!


PS - Challenge Update - I've only broken the rules of the challenge 1 time and that was the crazy drunken night.  When I looked at my phone the next morning I saw I had texted Flyboy.  But other than that I'm being strong!

Spice of Life

I started to add this as a PS to my last post but it was so long and not relevant, I decided to make it it's own. I had a really funny, but later weird night last night. We have a friend, Bob, that Russell and I had a threeway with in January. I think I've mentioned him before, but I was too lazy to reference back to see if he has another name already. It was seriously some of the worst sex of my life, bless his 21 year old heart. I mean it was bad. It was also right before I told Russell I wanted a divorce, so it could have just been my overall demeanor. Anyway, Bob has stayed around us like a stray puppy. He's military and he leaves the barracks every weekend to spend the weekend at our house. He is Russell's bromance, now I swear more goes on because he sleeps with Russell on Russell's full sized futon every night he's here but Russell swears up one side and down the other that nothing is going on. Russell has a huge crush on him and I think if he were actually scoring some, he'd brag about it to me. I honestly don't care, but I find it odd...as do most people that know this.

So because Bob is military, he gets drug tested a lot...hence no drugs for him. A few weekends ago, we tried the "legal" shrooms. It was vile (because Russell insisted on making it into a tea and not just eating it) and did nothing for any of us. I mean nothing. Last night, the boys went to a smoke shop and bought the new SPICE. SPICE is now illegal in Hawaii, but there's a new form that's basically the same thing. They brought it home for us to smoke. I was skeptical, but I tried it anyway (really, was there any doubt I would?). It was hilarious fun. We laughed our asses off. Russell and I were totally having an awesome, reading each other's mind, funny time. It was timing that we haven't had in years. At some point (very early I might add), I went to bed. I woke up around 3am with the worst headache of my life. I assumed I was dehydrated because I'd also had a gallon of wine over the course of the evening. This headache lasted for 2 hours until I finally took half a Xanax in hopes of falling back asleep. In the mean time, I puked my guts out and no, it wasn't the wine. While it was a totally fun experience at the time, I'm pretty sure I'll stick to the real stuff from here on out.

It was a really good bonding time for Russell and I though. For those of you that worry about us living together after the horrible shit that went down this summer, you can see that we're doing ok right now. I think we're pretty much figuring it out and are moving very nicely back into friends. It's a good place to be when you still have to live together.

Jiffy Lube

After some post sex texting last night, I have not heard one word from Clark today. Nothing...nada...zip...zilch. You can say 'I told you so' now if you want. I don't care. Here's my working theory...he did in fact have a date tonight with the slave girl (though several things he said this week made me question the validity of this) and felt guilty and thus no contact. It's just a theory...maybe yesterday was a goodbye fuck for us both...time will tell. Honestly, I think I have these ridiculous feelings for him but I suspect next month really will prove to be out of sight, out of mind for me. Time will reveal all things.

On that note, you guys know the Zen Jules approach to life? I totally feel everything happens and unfolds in a manner that the universe seems fit. Here's my day with Gavin.

9am - He calls to see if I want to go to have breakfast with him. I decline and tell him that I've got to go vote (something he does not do...sigh) and then I have a house full of kids to take to the beach. I tell him that Russell is going out after work tonight and it would be a perfect night for him to come over. He says he has his kid tonight, so he can't.

4:30pm - Calls me to see what I'm doing...we chat and he tells me that his gf (the other one...lol) may be moving to New Zealand with some guy. Can I just tell you what a fucked up relationship they have?! Miranda and I texted about it for a while and neither of us gets it. Anyway, I laughed at him and told him how weird this is and that really he should piss or get off the pot. He laughed and agreed, but said he's just going with the flow and seeing where the universe takes him (i.e. the gf, me, etc). I told him this is totally my philosophy in life, but he really should think about having a teeny bit of control in this at some point. He said he was coming over to the neighbor's house for a beer and asked if I could join him. I said I couldn't because Chloe was playing with her friends and Russell and I have forbidden her to play with this neighbor's kid.

5pm - Gavin calls again, but I'm on the phone.

5:20pm - He calls again and asks if he can come by for just a second because he saw Chloe out playing somewhere. He calls from the front yard across the street totally looking at my house...lol, stalker. I told him no again, but he could come over after 8pm when she's in bed.

6:30pm - I call him to tell him Chloe went to a friend's house for a sleepover. He said he's at a local bar (seriously) waiting for his kid to get dropped off.

6:45pm - He calls back and says that he can come over for about 15 minutes b/c now his kid is getting dropped off at his house.

6:50pm - He walks into my house and drops his pants. I pleasure him some, he pleasures me a lot...I came like 3 times, which will be impressive in a second...I finish him off.

7pm - He's out the door. I put the bed back where it belongs and go brush my teeth.

Despite the drama, the man gets to stay around for this very skill in life. Now for those of you that are not impressed with how quickly it was over, that's not common...we were on a major time crunch and worked hard to make each other as happy as possible in a very short time frame. Clearly, we succeeded with much success in our task. He's now aware Russell will be off island from Wednesday night to Friday night this week...I hope he makes good use of this time.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

OMFG Now I'm Stupid

Ok, I can't blame the men anymore...I'm stupid and weak. I actually started to just skip this post because I'm not proud of my actions today. Clark has been wearing at me for days now. I mean seriously like challenging me and bringing me down. It's not been a good week for my psyche at all and I told him today he was being mentally and verbally abusive. This seemed to provide new perspective to him.  Finally this morning when I told him we needed to rip the fucking band-aid off and be done, he flipped back. After a very looooong day of texting (yet again) where he apologized profusely and I'm stupid enough to believe him, I went by and fucked the shit (NO pun intended this time) out of that boy on the way home from work. (Ok, maybe it was the other way around as I was the one on the floor in downward facing dog getting it in every hole.)
Clearly I'm fucked in the head by this man. I'm not sure where things are going, but he professed his love for me multiple times in the midst of this and yet again, I was stupid enough to believe him.
Gavin and I had an interesting conversation today about his pending move. It seems he's reconsidering moving in with the gf...I expressed my contempt for this stupid plan by not saying anything.  He ended his conversation with me by telling me how much he's dying to see me. I explained that living with the gf might hinder this, but he assured me it would not...ok, so men are still stupid too. 
PS Feel free to judge me...in your head. I will allow a 'I told you so' moment later when things turn South again with Clark, as they are clearly destined to do.

What the Hell! A Night of Random Firsts

So last night was another bar-tending gig at a work concert and what started out innocently enough turned in a seriously “what the hell” kind of night.

So the concert was fun and good and whatever.  Typical flirting with H3, fending off the advances of the old guys, and then I totally got cornered by a fatty who asked for my number!  Thankfully it was during a beer rush so I could just smile and move on.  Later he did come back and ask again and when he didn’t succeed in getting the number, he said he’ll see me the next two weeks and he’ll get it before the end.  Come on fat boy. You can try but you will fail!

Next up came this guy who is actually really cute; he looks just like Joseph Gordon Levitt, except for the fact that he’s got a long dyed blond rat tail!  Eeeek! Haven’t seen one of those in years. Anyways, he was talking and being friendly just hanging out with his girlfriend.  Then he asked what school I went to.  I laughed and said I know I look younger than my age but no way do you think I really got to school.  After I eventually told him my age, he had the balls to run the back of his hand down the side of my face and say, “You’ve got that magic touch,” all while his girl was standing three feet away.  I laughed it off but seriously who does shit like that!

Afterward, we headed to a nearby bar and when I walked in it was like an episode of Cheers. I heard a chorus of “Miranda!”  Like ¾ of the crowd were the very people I had been serving all night at the concert!  It worked in my favor though because my drinks were bought all night!  Everyone from a lesbian to a fat old dude was bringing me drinks – LOL! 

Now I was there with mine and Gwyn’s crazy friend and Cabana Boy (I’d orchestrated a date for them in hopes he’d transfer his clinger like tendencies from me to her).  After we ran Cabana Boy off we joined the table next to us and made friends.  There were two guys from Alabama, one local guy, and a girl from Alabama.  The Alabama boys were in town doing training at a local flooring manufacturer – the same freaking one that Sawyer works at!  I stopped myself just short of asking them if they knew him.

The local guy and the Alabama girl were cool people but the other two Alabama boys were so sleazy!  One I honestly can’t remember what he even looked like – he was just kind of nondescript and faceless.  The other was ½ bald and he kept putting on these mirrored aviation sunglasses like he thought he was cool.  My crazy friend was getting cozy with the faceless guy and the semi-baldie kept trying to talk to me and I was pretty much only giving him enough attention to buy me drinks.

Eventually we got tired of this bar and we started discussing where to go.  Somehow we decided to go to a strip club that’s right down the road.  Yep, classy!  Now this was my very first trip to a strip club and I got to admit, I was kind of excited to see what it was like inside one.  This one is actually pretty decent all in all.  The sleazy Alabama boys got a bunch of ones and we settled down at the bar for drinks and eye candy.

Now I had had A LOT to drink – I know big surprise there.  But for some reason I started cutting way back in my consumption. It’s like my warning radar was going off about these guys and I knew I needed to stay as clear headed as possible after oh 6-7 beers, two shots of tequila, one buttery nipple shot, a Washington apple shot, and a shot of Jagermeister.  (Be impressed – I’m a girl who can drink right along with the best of the boys. It was a skill I developed in college and I’m glad to say is full force back.  Even better is the fact that I can drink like that and pop up the next day without a hangover!) 

Things get a little hazy during this time but I do remember the crazy friend talking to the Alabama boys about her experience with being a lesbian for a short while.  Next thing I knew, she shoved her tongue in my mouth and she was kissing me!  I don’t know if she was showing off her lesbian skills or just being wild but it shocked the hell out of me.  There goes my perfect record for no girl on girl experiences!  In retrospect I realize she’d been kissing Cabana Boy and then the faceless Alabama guy – I seriously need to invest in a WHOLE LOT of Scope!    There was lots of picture taking and laughing and lord knows what else but I do remember a stripper yelling at us for taking pictures inside the strip club.

Speaking of the strip club, it was quite interesting.  I was fascinated by the girls dancing in those hella crazy stripper shoes.  They’ve got some killer balance.  These girls were really quite attractive so that was a surprise and none of them seemed to have fake boobs – something I had not expected at all.  I have to say I wasn’t all that impressed with the dancing. It seemed like a lot of gyrating and imaginary sexing.

I will say that I thought the guys in there were pretty pathetic.  I mean I don’t have a problem with strip clubs at all. And I get the appeal of seeing a hot girl dance around and of course the appeal of lap dances.  But I don’t get why guys want to come to the end of the stage and stand there with their hands behind their back and have the girl dance up close to them for a few minutes. It just seems freakishly weird to me and I watched guy after guy after guy do just that. 

Eventually the Alabama boys asked us to go back to their hotel to “party” and I agreed to drive them to their hotel but no way in hell was I going upstairs with this sketchy guys.  We got to their hotel and the crazy friend was in the back seat with the faceless guy and he was trying to get her out of the car and she asked me what she should do. I channeled Gwyn and told her to get in the front seat with me quite forcefully.  Thankfully she complied quite willingly.  The faceless guy tried to give me some attitude about being a cock blocker but I gave him a withering stare Jules would have applauded and just drove off.

The crazy friend was way too inebriated to drive so I just took her home with me.  On the way we stopped to grab a late night meal and I turned in too close to the wall of the drive through and I freaking tore up my driver side mirror.  Damn!  We made it home, grubbed on some greasy burgers and then both crawled in my bed.  I will admit that when I first lay down in bed I wondered if she was going to try to bust a move given her earlier kissing thing.  HAHAHAHA! 

3.5 hours later I was up and headed for work.   What a night of firsts!  First buttery nipple shot, first Jagermeister shot, first trip to a strip club, first kiss from a girl, first time I can ever remember actually making a conscious decision to stop drinking in the midst of a drunk fest, and first time I’ve ever brought a girl home with me – LMFAO.

Just another day in the life of Miranda


Friday, September 17, 2010

Ten Things You Didn't Know About Gwyn

1. I see hawks every day and call people to tell them about it. They’re never as excited as I am.

2. I really don’t have a ‘favorite’ anything. No favorite actor, no favorite food, no favorite color, no favorite musician, no favorite tv show….ok you get the point.

3. My closet is organized by color and if it’s not it makes me anxious.

4. I was voted “Best Sense of Humor” in high school my senior year.

5. I almost cried last week when I had to kill a wasp that kept building nests on the front of my house. I thought about his poor squished body for days.

6. I am terrified of snakes. I never lived in a first floor apartment because I figured the snakes couldn’t climb the stairs to get to me. Yes, I spent time thinking about that before I chose apartments. And, in this case ignorance is bliss so if snakes CAN climb stairs no one better dare tell me that in a comment. I. Will. Have. A. Panic. Attack. For. Real.

7. I may have the worst road rage of anyone on the planet.

8. I absolutely love old people and can’t wait to be one. Hopefully I turn out just like my Grandma (minus the whole racism thing).

9. When I was 15 and 16 years old, I was selected to try out for the U.S. Women’s National Soccer team.

10. I miss my dad every single day.

See, I'm not just a boy crazy part-time whore.

Who Gives A Shit?

Let me assure that this is going to be a wayyy TMI post. If you are not interested in hearing about nasty sex, you might want to skip it. It's going to get graphic, so consider yourself warned.

Several of you have asked what Clark's sexual stuff is since I've only alluded to it. Here it is...full on. When I first started seeing him last year, he mentioned scat to me several times. If you are blissfully unaware of wtf I'm talking about, I mean shit play. I declined and finally got so freaking sick of saying "No"  and he was so pissed that I kept saying it that we ended things. Now, I'm not talking about he just didn't mind if his dick got a little messy while we were having anal...I mean he wanted us to shit on each other. He wanted me to rub it on his dick. He even went so far as to asking me if I would ever consider sucking him off while he had shit on his dick.

Now admittedly when I have anal sex with other men, I prepare. If you're wondering, I use enemas to prepare and they are pretty effective. I would go so far as to not prepare with him, but that was the extent of my willingness to engage.

When he contacted me again in August, I expressed concern that I still possessed these boundaries. He said he would convince me, but accepted it. We did have some messy anal sex over this past month, but it was never enough. It wasn't the full on that he wanted and I just can't provide that for him on so very many levels. First, I think it's a hygiene issue!! Second, the smell gets to me even when it's my own. Third, it just feels too taboo even for me. This is my line folks, he found it (again).

He woke me up this morning texting me and I reiterated very succinctly what I'd said last night. I have feelings for him and if he wants to be in a healthy, loving relationship then I'm his girl, but these are my limits. He told me that he doesn't think he can ever find true happiness because he's so angry inside and that's why he has so many "kinks".  RED FLAG, anyone?? We texted some more on and off throughout the day, but I'm just over it. At one point this afternoon I started to re-engage some. because I did see a very sweet side of him...but it's clearly destined to fail, so I'm going to cut my losses now and move forward.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Sticking It Out or Not?

I woke up this morning at 6:15am to Clark texting me. It seems he wanted to continue our discussion from yesterday and we did for another 7 1/2 hours via text until my phone died. I told Miranda that mere nanoseconds before I was to the point of telling him where to go and what to do with himself once he got there, he told me he loves me. Of course, I’m taking this with a grain of salt. She said love is a 4 letter word…lol.

In the midst of our conversation, he tells me that he’s going out with someone on Saturday. Now if I were a normal person this would have really set me off, but since I’m still seeing Owen and Gavin I was like “ok, whatever…”. This prompted a big long conversation about me not seeming to want him enough that I’m not jealous and don’t want to “fight to win” him. I really laid it out at this point and told him that if he decides he wants a healthy, loving, nurturing relationship in which what I have to offer him is enough (b/c we are having some major fights over his sexual desires again) then great, but if not then he needs to move on…now.

I do not have a good feeling about this. I think Gwyn and Josie are probably right on, but some part of me feels the desire to stick it out at least until he leaves at the end of the month to see if it improves. I just don’t think it should already be this hard. I don’t want to be with someone where I’m constantly having to play games or be tested or involved in a bunch of drama. The only reasons I’m staying at this point are 1. I do have feelings for him. and 2. I don’t think he’s ever been in or seen a healthy relationship, so I don’t think he knows how to act. I also know that relationships are hard, especially when both people are getting out of crappy ones. We each have some baggage…it just seems his requires several luggage racks while mine really can be carried on.

Meanwhile, Gavin just called me at work right before my phone died. He literally calls me like everyday at least once now. There is a huge part of me that just wants to give up this whole Clark thing and just go back to hanging out with him (obviously becoming his 2nd gf…lmao) because it’s easy, comfortable, and mostly uncomplicated. Gavin and Owen really were meeting my needs perfectly. This 3rd factor is becoming a problem, yet if I can get through the crap he may be worth it in the end. I just wonder if my sanity will remain in tact until the end.

As it stands right now, I’m going to see Clark tonight. Part II to follow…

PART II approximately 7 hours later....
Sometime after my phone died I started thinking wtf? Why am I having a several day long fight with a guy I've been seeing again for just around a month? Is this not supposed to be the honeymoon phase? It was until Sunday and then something flipped. We've been pretty much fighting since then. Well, mostly just ALL day Tuesday and today.

Clark has issues, as you can see from the previous post. Hell, we all have issues but his are pretty big. He's got a lot of sexual stuff that I just can't and won't deal with and apparently even though he knows this about me from our previous fling, it's problematic yet again. After work, I got in my car to plug my phone in and after listening to 3 voice mails from Gavin I realized that I really don't like Clark very much right now. I have feelings for him, but I don't like him. If you're a guy, you probably don't get that statement. When I heard Gavin's deep sexy voice, I smiled listening to all of his voice mails. He was clearly dying to talk to me and yet understood I was at work and unavailable. One of them actually said, "Wow, you must be really busy helping a lot of people today." because he knows I do social work stuff and actually really respects my profession. On the other hand, Clark cussed me out the other day b/c he thought I was ignoring him...seriously.

Around 4:30pm Hawaii time after some therapeutic texting with Miranda, I recovered myself from the "Clark Haze". I sent him a text saying that pretty much that I couldn't do this anymore...I have to be with someone I feel respects me...I wished him well in his search for the perfect woman b/c clearly in his eyes that's not me. He sent back something like "Wow...wtf...ok fine...bye". We sent a few more back and forth and then he just shut down. Miranda suspects this is not the end...I think it is for at least another year or so. I guess we'll see. I need it be the end. I need him to just walk away.

Gavin called me on the way home from school tonight. I swear he's got the best timing in life. We talked for a little while. He really wanted to see me, but my house was full as was his. He did tell me that he thinks he's finally found a place literally right down the road from here and it would just be him. When I told him how hungry I was and how pissed I was at Russell for not saving me some dinner, he offered to bring me a plate. He's going to make an excellent bf...lmao. Clearly I'm conflicted about him as well, but for now it's what I need. Although I think I've been saying this about him now for what 6, 7 months?

I came home in a bad ass mood. Russell was an irresponsible ass tonight. I come home at 9pm, my kid wasn't bathed, she was halfway through watching a gd Harry Potter movie on a school night, and there are dishes all over the kitchen in the house I just busted my ass to clean yesterday. I know I'm projecting some of my anger from Clark onto him, but c'mon....grow the fuck up and be a responsible parent please. Don't make me the bad guy because I enforce the rules.

Ok...I'm finished for the day. It's wine time and I'm letting it go now as I fall asleep and drown myself in school work tomorrow sans boys.


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Anything You Can Do We Can Do Better

So anyone who read my answers to yesterday's TMI questions should be able to tell that I'm a bit of a sourpuss lately. Yes, my hormones are playing a role but so are all the stupid boys (yes, boys not men) in my life. Frankly, I'm getting really tired of spending so much time thinking, writing, dreaming about them and even fucking them. So....I've decided to take on another little experiment of sorts and Miranda has agreed to join me.

Starting today, September 15th, we will not initiate contact with any members of our man teams or with any prospective members of our man teams. Under no circumstance will we contact these boys unless we are contacted first and, even then, only if a response is 'required'. Below are a couple of examples of how these rules work, in case any of our female followers are interested in joining the experiment.

The following types of texts are not to be responded to under any circumstances:
  • "Hey baby. Just thinking about you. Hope you're having a good day!"
  • "Good morning sweetie!"
  • "Sweet dreams."
  • "I can't wait to see you again."
  • "I will take your head in my hands and kiss the f**k out of your mouth." (Miranda this one clearly only applies to you and Grandpa Twin)
The following types of texts may be answered with a reply, but a brief one that asks no additional questions unless absolutely necessary:
  • "Are you busy this weekend?"
  • "Can I see you tonight?"
  • "What would you like to do on our date? Go sailing the Riviera or catch a Broadway play?"
  • "Are you ready for me?"
  • "Do you need some money?"
Now, the rules for phone calls are more cut and dry. We will not make ANY phone calls to any boys under any circumstances unless (a) our car breaks down and/or tire goes flat and we don't feel like changing it ourselves, that's right we can change it if we want to but we'd rather not or (b) something heavy is on top of us and we can't get it off. Miranda is also allowed to initiate contact with Duckie for any reason. We are allowed to answer calls from boys and return calls as well, but only if the boy leaves a voicemail asking us to do so. If it is simply a missed call, we will not call back.

I have to go to a wedding at the beach this weekend which involves an open bar; I'm guessing that's going to be the time I'm most tempted to break the rules. The only good news is I tend to lose my phone when I drink at weddings because my clutch is never big enough to fit it (I mean come on I gotta fit my Newports and my lip gloss in there) so I end up carrying it in my hand and I always set it down somewhere and can't remember where I left it.

So keep your fingers crossed for us blog readers. You know how much Miranda loves attention and with my ADD and dislike of face-to-face interaction this could be harder than we think.

-Gwyn aka Hormonal Bitch


Ok, not ALL men, but most of them are total idiots. I stand by my theory that men are all idiots until their 30th birthday. Something happens to men on this blessed day that makes them smart and thus able to interact with the rest of society...it's truly magical. I'm writing a thesis on it one day. Clark has 5 years to go and I'm not sure I can wait it out.

Obviously I'm pissy...it could have something to do with a scratch on my kitty and being mindFUCKed by my boys today with Clark being the leader of the mindfuckers. Call Websters...it's a new word. If "bootylicious" can make it in, I'm a shoe in.

Today started with a late night/early morning email from Owen confirming that he would be at my house around the 9:30am hour. Gavin called about 8:30am to see if I wanted to go to town with him. I almost went and my gut now tells me that clearly that would have been the best decision I could have made today...well, that and leaving my phone behind. I declined his offer and told him to call me otw back. As it turns out, we weren't able to see each other during the day with work and kids and life.

Owen came over and he'd told me to surprise him but I wasn't really prepared for him when he just walked into my house b/c he usually texts me to say 'I'm here' kind of things....not today. I did have a toy in my ass though and was mostly ready. We are in the heated midst of hard core fucking. I'm in doggy position for him with the toy in my ass (it's still TMI Tues. here in HI) and he reaches under me to pull my kitty apart...a new tactic for him btw, surely to never be repeated.  When he does this, his nail catches part of said kitty and scratches me hard enough that bleeding occurs (I find this out later.). He's hurt me twice now (totally by accident). Once he accidentally put his HUGE dick up my ass with NO warning or foreplay and I screamed a little and he stopped as soon as he realized wrong hole. Today, I screamed like a little girl when he scratched me and frankly it killed the mood for a moment. We ended up finishing very nicely, but it was a wtf kind of day with us. He also tripped out of my bathroom when we finished showering. There is a slight ledge, but it was funny all the same. I've done it, just not with a witness. We were not in our groove today.

After Owen leaves, Gavin calls about 30 minutes later. We talk some about his day and in the midst of this conversation references himself as my boyfriend. Um, dude....you HAVE a girlfriend. I text Miranda and ask if I should remind him of this fact. I seriously think he wants me to be his 2nd gf and he wants to be my bf. I don't even know what to say about that, so I won't. I will say that I find him funny and entertaining. He makes me laugh, a lot. He's the only one of the three that does this and humor goes a looooong way with me.

THEN around 12pm Clark texts me to tell me that he has his phone back. This was not a good thing. We proceeded to have about a 10 hour fight via text. Basically he's been an ass lately, like since Friday when he was so sweet. He's been snarky and grumpy. I've told him I don't expect him to always be in a good mood, god knows I'm not....but I also know when to stop human interaction. So Monday night we had talked about hooking up, but he wasn't in the mood at all and I told him I appreciated that he was self aware enough to know that he wasn't in the mood and that he could actually verbalize that he would probably start a fight if I did come. I chose not too and enjoyed an evening at home watching Larry the Cable Guy, laughing so hard I almost peed on my couch. I'm Southern...he's funny.

Anyway, Clark apparently didn't possess the same self restraint today and we had a huge text fight. I wanted many, many times during this to tell him go fuck himself, but I didn't b/c clearly I have some feelings for him. We talked somewhat candidly about how we feel about each other, though I was much more honest and told him I'm pretty much in love with him. He said he's definitely in this, but doesn't think I'll do the sexual stuff he wants and he foresees this as a problem down the road and that he's found someone that wants to be his slave. I recommended he go for that. He didn't take kindly to this recommendation, so that ensued a whole other fight. Finally I got that he really likes me and doesn't want me to be his "rebound girl". I suggested that he take the time to find her (though I did mention with his pattern I'll always be his rebound girl) and that maybe we should just take this back to a sexual relationship sans emotions. This pissed him off too...so I finally ended the day with saying I don't know what you want, but I suggest you take the time you're in CA next month to figure that out. There was so much more to the convo, but those are the "highlights". It was emotionally draining and I told Miranda I'm so busy rebuilding my wall right now that a gd brick layer couldn't keep up. I'm hurt...I'm drained...I'm emotionally exhausted...and I kind of love-hate him right now with an emphasis on the later.

Gavin called me back tonight to see if I could hang out. I would have loved too, but it just wasn't feasible. Of all the men in my life, Russell and Gavin were by far the "normal" ones in it today and that's saying something.  I get that Clark is scared and hesitant, but shall I remind everyone that he's the one that contacted me out of the clear blue? I didn't seek him out. I didn't ask for this. He worked SO hard to reel me back in and now he's working so hard to push me back. I may just let him. If I were truly the brass balled chick I think I am, I would tell him to fuck off and push Gavin on wtf he wants. I also discussed this with Miranda today. I like Gavin, but as I've said time and time again I don't really see us having a future mostly b/c of his completely ridiculous co-dependent relationship with his on again/off again gf. So if I lived up to my version of my self image, I would force him to chose. The problem is that I don't know that I want him to pick me, but I also don't know that I want him pick her. Clearly I have a HUGE clusterfuck on my hands...I'm praying for October to come so I can have some peace and know where things stand with Clark at least and can go from that standpoint.

After some awesome texting with Miranda, some angry rap music, a bag of peanut M&Ms, and a lot of wine tonight I'm back to Zen Jules. Things will unfold in the manner in which the universe wants them to and I have little control. I've decided that if Clark and I (or Gavin and I) are truly meant to be together, it will happen. If it doesn't, then we weren't meant to be. I've laid it out for Clark, the ball is in his court, game ON.

I truly miss the uncomplicated, easy sex. Owen and I still have it, yet I'm obviously a glutton for punishment and want something deeper on some level, but I don't know in the end if it's going to be worth the drama with the two current contenders. Can I have a mulligan on this? I think I'd really like a do-over today, but with all the info from the day that unfolded so poorly available for me to weigh.