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Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Ok, Now I'm PISSED

This is a PRIME example of WHY I don't get involved emotionally. I'm ill equipped to deal with people when they act in a manner I don't understand...like Clark's current behavior. I've tried really hard to not internalize this and to not make it about me (because intellectually mature me knows that it's not), but as the only girl in a Southern family I told Miranda today this has been a struggle. I fear that I may have the emotional maturity of a gnat. So in response to my text, he actually bothered to pick up the phone this afternoon and call me (still from friend's phone).

When he called, I was very nice and didn't jump his shit for being MIA since Friday morning. I did say that I'd been really worried about him. He replied that he was doing ok, the gf is not pressing charges (probably b/c she realized she didn't have a leg to stand on), but that he could still get in trouble with the military regarding some other things that she brought up. Thankfully no criminal charges though that could result in potential jail/prison time. He said he was sorry he hadn't called, but that he had used the weekend to just get over the shock of this (TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE!) and that he also felt like by calling me that he was taking time away from my daughter, who he said from the sound of our phone call the other day really needed some Mommy time. Now either he's the most sensitive 25 yr old in the freaking universe (plausible, but doubtful) or this was all bullshit...my money being on the latter. If I'm wrong, then I will own it and apologize later.

We ended the call with him asking me to hang out this afternoon. I told him that we were grilling out after we left the beach and that as soon as I got Chloe into bed I would call him. I told him I'd have her in bed around 7:30-8pm and could be there by 9pm at the latest. He stated this was kind of late since he's now working at 5:30am (ironic how he needs sleep, but I'm supposed to be on call for him), but to call him at the friend's number when I got her down. I did and friend said they weren't together anymore and he's have him call me tomorrow or something...big sigh. I'll also put out there that it's the start of PMS week, so maybe I'm just being an overbearing bitch with high expectations, but omfg. I'm pissed. I'm pissed because he pulled, pulled, pulled and now he's seemingly fairly ambivalent about whether we see each other or not.

So true to my normal fashion, I'm borderline just writing him off, but I've decided to take a new approach because I do like him and I do know he's going through an amazing amount of crap right now and that everything isn't about me and so I'm just going to pull back hard core and see what he does. I will not initiate any further contact. I will respond to his contact only when it's convenient for me. I will continue to see Owen and Gavin (something I was planning to do anyway, of course). I will not rearrange my schedule to see him and I will not lose any more countless hours of sleep texting/fucking him. Ok, I may cave on that last one a little bit, but you get my drift. If he wants me, he's going to have to show me.

I do know that he has dated women with kids before, but I also know that he loves to be the center of someone's world and I'm not sure how he's going to handle Chloe being the center of mine. I really couldn't read whether he was acknowledging that by not being all needy this weekend or if that was a martyr attempt and he'll end up resentful later. Time will tell I suppose, if this even continues to move forward. Now that he's out of this relationship with her, I'm questioning whether he's truly interested in being with me or if he's going to want to sow his oats since they've been together for a year. In light of my statements that I fully intend to keep seeing my boys, I'm not sure that I have a right to even comment on this. Do you ever wish you could press fast forward to see where things are in a week, a month, or a year?
-Jules

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