Hard Core

Yesterday was just one of those days. I did some hard core soul searching and decided that I would rather be in a FWB relationship with Gavin, who makes me feel good about myself and makes me laugh a lot, than to be in a relationship with someone like Clark.

It was Day 2 of no contact with Clark and I’m officially done. Now I know a lot of you are saying "yeah, right", but it’s over this time. My Daddy often compares my hard core nature to that of my Grandfather’s. When I’ve reached a point with people that I’m ready to cut them out of my life, I do it and I never look back. His eloquent saying about it is this: "If you passed someone you hated on fire on the side of the road, you wouldn’t even pull over to piss them out.". I’m to that point with Clark. I really am. You can stick a fork in it, because it’s done now. He texted me this morning and I basically told him to fuck off. He claimed I was being jealous and I should go see Owen and get over it. I sat on my hands in an effort to not reply and tell him that I’d never quit seeing him or Gavin in the first place. I have no idea if he really went to hang out with that girl this weekend of if he just went off the grid to make me think he did, but I don’t care. Either way, he sucks as a human and I don’t want to be with him. I don’t care if he did see someone else this weekend, but I hate that he claims to love me and then ignores me for 2 days. Who does that? I don’t like the person I am when I’m with him. It’s one step away from being something really bad. Gavin called me last night to tell me how his kid did in his races and to tell me good night as he was going to bed. That’s the kind of positive energy I need in my life right now, not this other crap.

So that’s that…now here’s some stuff that went down with Russell.

File this under ‘the Devil made me do it’, but I went through his phone yesterday. Honestly, I don’t know why I did it…just had a feeling. I had the same feeling the time I went through and found out about the ex in January, which is what prompted me to ask for a divorce. Well, I’m glad I did it because I found a ton of texts he had saved from earlier this summer – things about when I threw all his stuff out to when I’d taken pills to when I’d had people over. I threw a hissy fit. I told him I thought we had moved into a good place and I could not believe he’d kept all of that stuff. I swear the man could have smacked me across the face and I would have been less hurt and less surprised. He lied his ass off and told me that he had saved them at the time, but had forgotten they were still in there. I told him I did not believe that and that if he had an agenda, he better tell me what it is NOW. We had a very long, tearful, sincere talk where we discussed our current situation. He erased all of the texts. His rationale, which at the time I find legit…not 3 months later though, was that I was acting so insane and he was holding on to anything he could to protect himself. I get that, but again I don’t understand why he kept them for so long. He didn’t have any recent stuff though, so maybe he’s telling some version of the truth. Anyway, he held me and I cried and finally he kissed me, told me he loved me, and that he thinks I’m a great mom and that he knows Chloe is better off with me in the long run and would never try to take her from me. I think he honestly meant those things, but I also feel like someone ripped the carpet from under my feet. Regardless, it’s all erased now which was my end game.

After our fight, we put Chloe to bed, ate some very cold dinner, and smoked a little of the fake stuff. I learned that one hit is where it’s at…moderation. Then we started talking about Bob, who was inside washing the dishes and avoiding us like the plague. I told him that there is NO way Bob is straight. He said he doesn’t care either way and that he just really enjoys his friendship. I told him I understand that because that’s how I feel about Gavin’s friendship. Then he asked me to quit saying things implying or pushing Bob to admit that he’s not the straightest man because he would like to see if it ever evolves. I like Bob, so I agreed to not cock block him…ROFL.

-Jules