Online Dating Duds

 After the Return of Sawyer debacle I went back to online dating and discovered a string of totally unsuitable and unappetizing guys but they gave me some good laughs.

There was a friend of Peabody’s who remembered meeting me but I didn’t remember meeting him.  He was super conservative and a Trump lover but I went out with him out of spite just hoping it would get back around to Peabody.  We had a very unremarkable date in the small town I live in – again hoping someone would see me and get back to Peabody (I’m nothing if not a little petty).  We talked and he gave me a sob story about having a legit crazy ex-wife and wanted a lot of details about Peabody.  Gossip travels fast in this small town I suppose.  We kissed a little at the end of the night and it wasn’t bad but it also wasn’t anything to want to take your pants off about. 

Then there was the vet, as in veterinarian, who was so old fashioned he didn’t have a cell phone – at least that’s what he told me.  But he also had a fan page on Facebook for his cat with like 10,000 followers so who knows.  We talked on the phone several times and I agreed to a date with him.  But one day before our date he said I sounded just like the “nice, calm, sensible, stay at home, quiet kind of woman he was looking for to move to his farm in Virginia with eventually.”  Look Miranda is a lot of things but she’s not looking to move to a farm with a guy who prefers a landline.  I ended up canceling the date because let’s be honest, it wasn’t a good match.

There was the doctor (which sounds exciting) who was recently separated and incidentally works for the same health care system I work with.  He was too fresh off the separation though and he had a bunch of kids and I’m just not looking to raise more children at this point.  Plus I think he was one of those guys scared to really date and who just wanted to be text pen pals. 

There was also the country red headed guy who looked just like Prince Harry.  He was cute as a button and super nervous when we went out. The date was super awkward until he had a couple drinks and then he loosened up.  It was still in the early part of Covid so not much was open and after we had dinner I invited him back to my house to hang out for a while since there wasn’t much else to do.  Everything was good until he started kissing me.  His kissing was kind of licking all over and around my mouth.  And then he was like awkwardly dry humping me for a while. I wrapped up the make out session pretty quickly and he said “it was a good thing I had such strong will power because he could tell I was about to give in.”  WTF!  I mean I legitimately laughed when he said that and said good bye.  We talked on the phone a couple times afterwards but it just wasn’t going to happen again.

There’s a saying I love that sums up the vast majority of my online dating experience -  Sure there are plenty of fish in the sea, but you know what else there is plenty of in the sea – TRASH!