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Thursday, December 30, 2010

Your Kiss is on My List

Miranda has requested that I share one of my dating techniques with you all, after I shared it with her last week while telling her about a recent experience with Romeo. In a nutshell, I do not kiss guys on the lips unless they are my boyfriend (there are a few other exceptions I will explain).

I know lots of you may instantly think I copied Julia Robert's character in Pretty Woman when coming up with this no-lips policy. But that's not the case, my inspiration came from The Ex. When we had been together for about 6 months he instituted a no kissing on the mouth policy. Now, the insane-ness of this policy and his motives behind it are for another post but I wanted to give you a little background as to how I came up with my current rules. At first, I was really bummed about not kissing him on the lips because he had been such a good kisser and at that time I was a big fan of kissing. But as time wore on I got used to it and the desire to kiss on the mouth kind of just went away. Sure, I've kissed on the lips plenty since that time but going without for so long really got me out of the habit. Even now when I do have a boyfriend I regularly have to remind myself to kiss him.

I can't really remember exactly when I came up with my current kissing policy but it was about two years ago. After not kissing The Ex for so long it was really uncomfortable and awkward the first time I kissed a new guy. It felt weird and strangely wrong - I had worked so hard to be o.k. with no kissing that it had literally become a foreign concept to me. But, at some point I decided that if we are not boyfriend and girlfriend you're getting nothing but cheek action. You're welcome to kiss me anywhere else on my body but the lips are off limits.

Now, I told you there are a couple exceptions to the rule. First, if I'm drunk the rule is temporarily suspended. Second, occasionally depending on my mood, I may allow kissing on the lips during sex. It really just depends how into it I am - most of the time if I'm having sex with someone who I'm not in a relationship with I just want to do the damn thing, no need for romance or lovey dovey talk. We're not together...we're both here for the same thing...let's not pretend it's something it's not - and to me kissing passionately on the lips brings with it emotions and feelings of closeness that are pointless and can be damaging if the man is not my boyfriend. Most of the time, if it's a one night stand or a FWB situation the guys just follow my lead and once I avoid the kissing the first couple of times they try they get the hint and stop trying. Sometimes I have to explain my policy and most of the time the guys think it's funny. When I'm dating a guy I will tell him my rule the first time the situation comes up. If they don't like it oh well I don't really care. If you want to kiss me on the lips then you'll have to be my boyfriend.

I am sure some of you are thinking "So you'll have sex with a random guy but not kiss a guy you're dating on the lips?" I see the hypocrisy of my policy, I just don't care. For me, sex isn't as intimate as kissing on the mouth - I know that may sound crazy to some people but I'm crazy when it comes to love and sex. For me, kissing brings out feelings and emotions. It makes me feel closer and more connected to the guy I'm with and I don't want those feelings to arise unless I'm in a committed relationship - it's just cause for trouble otherwise. I can handle having sex and never seeing someone again because I'm pretty adept at separating feelings and sex. But when it comes to feelings and kissing, I haven't figured out how to separate those two yet. Until I do, the policy stands.

In other news, I saw The Inmate on Wednesday then went and spent the night at Romeo's house that night. No lip kissing occurred during either incident and the visit with The Inmate was completely platonic. He actually bought me a steak dinner and a bag of weed, and I gave him a hug in return - yes, Miranda I have a heart of stone lol. What can I say, when I don't want to give it up there's not much anyone can say to change my mind. The Ex called me last week (we've been talking a little more often recently) and told me "I'm going to change my life around and be a better friend to you" and also that he plans to buy a Camaro next year. My response, "So you're saying we're friends?" and "Wow. That sounds really family friendly. I'm sure your future wife will really appreciate that purchase." He is used to my sarcasm and bluntness so he laughed at my comments - but I was serious. No plans on the horizon with any of my man team members for New Year's Eve (although both The Ex and Romeo have inquired about doing something). I'm really considering staying in because my New Year's Eves always tend to be big build ups that lead to big disappointments. Plus, I'm saving my cash for my trip to Hawaii to see Jules....in 12 days!!!!!!

-Gwyn

A Slam Dunk Kind of Night


Last night was the basketball game that I took Leo, my nephew, and Coach to.  It was a blast!  Coach was incredibly cute with the boys. It’s funny, while we were sitting there eating dinner I kept thinking about past team members and how they would have acted around the boys.

FJB would have been incredibly awkward and probably wouldn’t have related unless they had a pile of Legos that he could use his engineering knowledge on and even then I think the boys would have treated him with some level of weirdness.  Lawyer Boy would have tried but he’d have been such a spaz and probably started talking about dance music so the boys probably wouldn’t have given him the time of day.  Crazy IT would have probably scared the boys to death with his intensity and impossibly high standards.  SoCo would have been ok though I don’t see him holding real conversation with the boys and he definitely wouldn’t have been as comfortable as Coach was.

I’m sure Coach’s comfort level has to do with the fact that he has two sons himself but still.  There’s just something about a guy who is comfortable around kids that makes them extra appealing.  Like it shows a softer side of them or something.  Jules has talked about her delight at Gavin’s attention to Chloe and I think she’ll totally agree, a guy being good with kids is just HOT!  Maybe it’s a mom thing or maybe not. Gwyn – what do you think about a guy being good with kids? 

Also while we were sitting at dinner, I told Coach that Gwyn was at the game too. He’s heard me talk about her and knows we have a close relationship and funnily enough he seemed more nervous to meet her than he did the kids.  It’s so weird how introducing a guy you like to your friends is so nerve-wracking. I’ll totally admit I was more than a little nervous about introducing him to Gwyn.  I mean you always want your friends to like your guy and Gwyn is definitely no exception to that. Because we were at a basketball game they only met in passing but let’s hope he passed the Gwyn test!

The game was a blast and I had a lot of good-natured fun torturing Coach because this was the team he hates but he’s a good enough sport to go just to spend time with me.  I tortured him at one point by posting to my Facebook that we were at the game which gave Jules great delight and ammunition for torturing me via text.  I shared some of her texts with Coach which he found quite hilarious.  I told him that me, Jules, and Gwyn all give each other a hard time and he said we sound like a handful. If he only knew! 

After the game we turned into those people, you know the people who totally forget where they parked their car and we had to wander around the parking lot for about 10 minutes to find it.  The boys found that hilarious and made lots of jokes at Coach’s expense.  They also grilled him on everything from his shoe size to how tall he was to what position he played in baseball to why he drove the car he drove and what music he liked. 

Afterward some of Coach’s friends were trying to get us to come out for a while so they could meet me. Apparently he’s been talking about me – haha!  We were going to go but I wanted to change first. I mean I had been at a basketball game and though I’m sure I looked cute, I really didn’t want to meet his friends dressed in sneakers and a hoodie!  So we went back to my place so I could change and we chilled out for a while and started talking.  Before we knew it more than an hour had gone by. It was getting late and since Coach had to work we decided to stay in.  We’re going out with all of them on New Year’s Eve so I’ll meet them Friday. They did give him a hard time for us ditching them!

I actually let him stay the night last night since I was child-free and I can’t believe we managed to sleep in the same bed and not cross the line!  We played some but we kept it PG, well PG-13.  Let’s just say he has way more self control than me!  I did send him on his way though early this morning before Duckie dropped the kids off. 

Have I mentioned I’m so ready for New Years Eve? LOL!

Miranda

The Last 48

To pick up where I left off yesterday, Gavin didn't show for dinner. I was pissed about it, but assumed it was payback for my throwing him out the night before. He's not normally petty, but who knows these days. Penn texted me later in the evening and asked if I could come see him and I said "Yes"!

I got into town and as I'm turning the corner literally 3 blocks from his apartment, I get a ticket for failing to fully stop at a red light. Seriously...I'm Southern. We don't fully stop and FYI we don't use turn signals either. I didn't put any effort into defending myself, especially since it was a female cop and just mentally willed her to hurry the fuck up. I had a horrible time finding parking, but finally made it up to his place. He greeted me sweetly and opened a bottle of wine for us. We sat on his porch drinking and talking while looking at the city lights. He's a really nice guy. He told me how handy he is and offered if I ever need car work done to do it for me. He also offered to entertain Miranda, Gwyn, and I in town with some of his friends when they come next month. I thanked him, but I'm not sure they want to meet the team. Anyway, we finally headed to bed for some belated birthday sex.

It seems that I took something from him during this belated birthday rendezvous...his anal virginity. Penn is really good in bed, second only to Owen. He did amazing things to my body last night and when he flipped me over, I thought he was going for our favorite position. He did, but then he switched it up. I was still a little sore from Owen earlier in the day, but I'm a champ and let him in. He fucked me super hard and came like crazy. When we were laying there afterwards, he told me that it was his first time ever doing it. He was actually really chatty during sex last night. He told me how he thinks about me when we're apart (which would normally gag me, but it was sweet) and how I'm not like anyone he's ever met before. I wish he was about 10 years older, but he's fun for now.

This morning, I was walking in my town from the post office to the hippie store for food and Gavin drove by and yelled "Hi". He was literally stopping traffic trying to have a conversation with me. I laughed and told him to go on and catch me at home later. This place still cracks me up sometimes. He came over a few hours later and I was elbow deep cleaning my house. I appreciate that our relationship is such that he can see me sweaty and dirty and he still thinks I'm hot. He ate and hung out for a little while and then said he was going to do a job and would be back later. I thanked him for dinner last night and he looked at me very confused and asked where we went. LOL..."Um, no where....you didn't show." was my reply. He was super apologetic and said that from our convo on the beach he thought I had other plans, which is actually feasible. I did go back and forth with him because of some things that were going on at home.

He came back from the job he was supposed to do after the guy never showed up and we hung out watching some lame TV. Finally he asked me if I wanted to play. I did and he proceeded to bring it. I got him all hot and bothered and then ordered him to lick me. He likes being told what to do sometimes and he got right to it. Then, he pushed back the coffee table and rolled me onto my side on  the couch facing him and just took me. We resumed TV watching and then he left for a little bit to go home and check in (apparently the gf has not left yet) and came back to see if I wanted to go see a movie. We couldn't find anything that we wanted to see close by that started at a reasonable time, so we bailed on it. I really wanted to finish watching Lost, so I wasn't sad when he decided to let me. He came back over a little bit later (yes, really...good thing he lives close by) for a blow job. He says he's addicted. This coming from someone with a highly addictive personality, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Afterwards I pondered the last 48 hours and the team...Owen is by far still the best lover I've ever had. I mean it, hands down...no contest. Penn is fun, but he's young and we are at very different places in our lives. Gavin is my favorite of the men because we're actually friends, but he's the 3rd best sexually though I think he turns me on the most. WTF?? Clearly, I need some more wine to think this through. ;)
-Jules

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Colliding Worlds


Just a quick update to let you know I went ahead and bit the bullet and introduced Coach to the kids yesterday.  Kind of spur of the moment he came over last night and I forewarned him that if he came before 9:30 my wild heathens would be up but I was fine with him meeting the kids.  Leo was going to meet him tonight anyways so it wasn’t really a big deal for him.  Ladybug started begging to meet Coach as soon as I mentioned his name last night so I figured she was prime for it too. 

As soon as Coach knocked on the door the kids pounced on him, even insisting on answering the door.  Coach shook both of their hands which was very cute!  Leo started grilling him on baseball and Ladybug, who has never met a stranger in her life, immediately gave him a tour of the apartment.  Then she started sneaking up to pinch him which has been her favorite game as of late.

I let them spend about 15 minutes in the living room with us before I sent them off to their beds.  Then we spent a couple of very enjoyable hours together!  This drawn out couple weeks of high school action with Coach has been incredibly fun but it’s also incredibly sexually frustrated me!  I swear I was on the edge of grabbing him and pulling him into my bedroom last night and it took every ounce of my willpower to resist doing just that.  I’m so ready for our New Year’s Eve date!

In other news, I just did a tax refund estimator and it looks like I’m going to owe serious money to the good old IRS this year.  You’d think paying $5000 in alimony would make some sort of difference but apparently not.  YUCK!

Miranda

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Good Luck Charm

I started off today having a really shitty day. Actually, I've been in a mood for the last few days. I've been cooped up in a house with a bunch of kids running around all hopped up on sugar. It's been raining like a mother fucker on this island and I was ready to build an ark. (Sit and laugh about the irony of that statement for a few.) I can take about a day of that, but 5 is a bit more than mama's nerves can take on. The last two nights, I've agreed to let Chloe have kids over for sleepovers. I'm not terribly fond of the set of twins she had over last night and they were stressing me out some. Gavin came by and then bolted after a few minutes - wishing me "good luck with that".  He came back over later, but he pissed me off and I sent him home. Penn texted me for birthday sex last night since it was his birthday, but I had kids home alone so I had to decline. I promised to make it up to him though.

Ok, so I wake up this morning still pissed at Gavin. I go out to do laundry and on the second load, my dryer quits. I try various things and nothing. Our machines sit outside, so the shelf life isn't going to be long...but I really didn't need that today. We're always broke after Christmas too. I called Gavin to see if he could help, but since he lost his phone on Christmas it went straight to voice mail. I thought he would have found it by now, but it seems not. I called another friend who had just asked me the other day if I needed a washer and dryer and found out she had it still, so I covered that situation painlessly. Then, I go to turn the TV on for Chloe and nothing...blue screen and then totally black. I assumed the picture had gone out. We leave our windows open all the time and again, short shelf life of things here with the salt air is to be expected, but on the same day...really?? I'd about had it by this time.

Owen texted me to tell me how hot last Tuesday's lunch was and wanted to see if I could meet him again today. I said "Absolutely!". We sexted some and I got the hell out of dodge to go play with him. I was telling him about my morning and he was appropriately sympathetic and probably happy I didn't break his dick since I was breaking everything else I touched. He gave me some chocolate covered potato chips and wished me a better day, noting that he hoped the last 45 minutes had improved it. It did! I told Miranda I heart him today.

I was out on the beach languishing in my after sex with Owen on the first sunny day in forever, when Russell texted me to tell me that the dryer and the TV seemed to be working fine now. As it turns out, I'm still not sure about either and think they are both about to die but they are ok for now.

About 3 hours into my beach time, Gavin pulls up. He'd come by the house and Russell had given up my location. He's always playful and cute when he's knows I'm pissed at him. It's part of his charm. He came over and acted like he was going to push my chair over in the sand and we sat and talked. I told him why I was pissed at him over last night and he tried to justify himself, which he couldn't. I let it go and we hung out for a while talking. He invited me to dinner and a movie, but I'll probably only do dinner with him since I should be home when Russell and Chloe get back. I made a big fuss over Russell going to a "friend's" house the other day when Chloe was home sick, so it wouldn't look good if I turned around and went out tonight...especially since it's only been a week.
-Jules

Risky Business

Last night Coach came over for a little while.  With the kids I’ve been on lockdown and thankfully he’s been more than content to come hang out for a couple hours after the kids have gone to bed.  Just another check mark on the manifesto list for him.  If you’re keeping track, now he’s hitting 24 out of my 25 requirements!

So then the funniest thing happened last night. We were snuggling on the couch (don’t gag Gwyn!) and we started laughing about how since that first night, it’s been like we’ve been in high school.  Just making out and always with a chaperone near by (i.e. the kids).  This cracked us up greatly and led to a lot of funny high school story sharing. During this time, my mom kept texting me. I always feel compelled to answer when she texts or calls because I know if I don’t she starts freaking out about me not responding.  Plus I just feel like I need to give her more attention since my dad died.

Anyway, she texts several times and I text her back which only adds to the high school atmosphere.  Coach and I started kissing and things were getting heated and I heard my text chime a few times on my phone but I wasn’t about to stop and answer in that moment.  Things got more heated and I knew I needed to take control of the situation or we’d end up in bed and I really didn’t want that to happen just yet.  And quite honestly Coach is a gentleman, for lack of a better word, and I don’t know if he’d be entirely comfortable getting it on with the kids in the vicinity.  So I grabbed the bull by the reins (pun intended) and things devolved into me essentially giving him a hand job. Talk about feeling like I was in high school!

Let me just add that it’s been a looooong time since I gave a full on hand job and I have to say, I impressed myself. HA! So things finish and literally right after he “finishes” my phone starts ringing.  People - my hand was literally still on him and my freaking mom was calling!  I knew it was her because she’d been texting me and it was 11:15 and there are very few people who could call that late.  I started laughing and apologized to Coach and said I had to answer it.

I grabbed my phone and sure enough it was my mom.  She started asking questions about the basketball game we’re going to in a few days and I told her I’d given the extra ticket to Coach. As soon as I said his name I totally dissolved into a fit of giggles because of the compromising position we were in and the fact that I was talking to my mom.  He got embarrassed and started laughing though the valiantly smothered his laughter so my mom wouldn’t hear him.

Needless to say, last night felt very much like I was reliving my high school days!

Miranda

PS - To add to the high school atmosphere, recently I'd noticed that Coach's younger sister had been posting a lot on SoCo's Facebook page.  It came up in conversation and he told me SoCo and his sister have been hanging out.  HAHAHAHA!  Me and my friends used to "share" boyfriends in middle school and early high school so this definitely feels like deja vu!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

Much like Jules I’m ready for this holiday season to be over with and a new year to get underway. Soon after the New Year we’re supposed to contact the divorce attorney so he can get the papers ready to be filed as soon as March gets here.  How crazy to think I only have three more months of being “married.” This past year has flown by!

Things with Coach are motoring along.  He calls when he says he’s going to call, he communicates well, he’s affectionate, he’s busy enough with his own life to not be a clinger, he’s making plans for us.  I can’t help but feel like I’ve hit a home run here.  I keep feeling like I’m waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop but all seems well on the home front at the moment.  I’m excited to go out with him on an “official” date on New Year’s Eve. Every other time we’ve been together it’s either been a casual thing with other friends or just at my place which doesn’t nearly count as a date.  At any rate, with as much time as we’re spending on the phone I’m going to have to change my cell phone plan soon or I’m going to be going over my minutes!

I did make an interesting (and somewhat momentous) decision to invite him along to a basketball game I’m taking Leo and my nephew to on Wednesday. This will be the first guy I’ve officially introduced one of my kids to. I mean they’ve known a few of the guys from the pool this summer but none that I’ve ever initiated any sort of outing with and none they’ve been around for more than a few minutes in passing. 

Leo asked me a few questions about who this “Coach” guy who I’ve been talking to on the phone and today when I told him Coach was going with us he asked a few more.  He wanted to know things like how tall he was, where he worked, and if he had kids. HA! Leo also seems especially interested in him because Coach used to play baseball.  It’s going to be so weird to introduce them face to face!

I’m just glad that Duckie crossed the new relationship/meeting the kids threshold first. That way if one day down the road the kids are mad about the divorce or something they will remember that Daddy “strayed” first. HA! That’s so wrong but it makes me laugh!

Today Leo was talking to Duckie on the phone and before I knew it he was telling him everything I’ve told him about Coach and how Coach was going to the game with us.  I started laughing and I was a little freaked out.  Duckie’s just so hot and cold I never know how he will take things.  I talked to Duckie for a few minutes after Leo’s gossiping and he did seem a little stunned. I guess just because this is the first guy that is clearly involved in my life in some way who is going to be around the kids.  I wonder if this weird relationship with Duckie will ever not feel weird anymore.

I’m reading this book called The Beach House by Jane Green. It’s about all these random people who end up in the same bed & breakfast in Nantucket. Most of them are going through divorce in one way or another and it speaks very eloquently about some of the issues of divorce.  It’s a good light-hearted read if you’re looking for something like that.  And no I’m not only reading divorce fiction LOL. I know I’ve mentioned a few books lately but I’ve just been on a reading jag and stumbled on a few good ones at the library.  Regardless, it’s a good read and I recommend you pick it up.

Miranda

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Holidays Over

This was a strange Christmas. Much like my dear friend, Miranda's...it was completely different than last year. Last year, I was so over being married. I was sad and miserable being away from my family and spending the day with someone I knew I didn't want to be with any longer...yet I actually chose to spend yesterday with him and it was really nice. Obviously, I'm talking about Russell. He was fairly melancholy yesterday during the morning and finally told me that he doesn't know how many more Christmas mornings he'll get to see Chloe wake up and do Santa. I told him as many as he wants...that he's always welcome on Christmas morning. He said "What if you marry someone that doesn't like me?". I said, "Can you honestly see me marrying anyone that would tell me that you couldn't be around Chloe on Christmas??". C'mon now...he seemed to feel better after that though I'm sure it's one of those things he'll have to see as time goes on. I think he's been struggling lately with Gavin's presence in Chloe's life as well. He's seemingly a little jealous of Gavin doing things with Chloe, but admits he doesn't have the time or energy. I pointed out that Gavin does because he doesn't work a steady job...this seemed to make him feel somewhat better too.

We had a low-key, high-alcohol day yesterday. Our neighbor came over to eat with us, drink with us, and eventually get high with us. I did NOT sleep with him. Owen and Penn both texted me yesterday sweet Merry Christmas messages.  I talked briefly with Gavin and then he came over this morning and gave me a Christmas present - jewelry...love it. We had coffee, he went home for a while, and then he came back over to spend the afternoon watching this show we like and drinking some beers. He told me the gf leaves tomorrow for the mainland on a one way ticket. I'll seriously believe it when I see it, but maybe. I'm sure she'll be back.

I'm officially ready for January...I'm tired of the holidays this year. It's been a fun month, but I'm over it. I've eaten too much. My liver needs a break and I'm spent out.
-Jules

PS I can't believe I forgot to add this in...Gavin came over Xmas Eve to bring Chloe's gift and when he did he also brought her a book that his gf wrote (a kid's book about fairies). I almost died I laughed so hard internally. I've yet to give it to her or read it...maybe I should do that now.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

This has been quite the different Christmas.  Last year this time I was still devastated about my dad and I was living in the aftermath of telling Duckie I thought our marriage was over.  Every day I dreaded going home not knowing if he would be screaming and yelling or just glaring at me in stony silence.  I was still breaking down a lot about my dad and the poor kids were so confused by all the swirling emotions I can’t even imagine what they thought was going on. To say the least, home was not a happy place last Christmas. 

This year has been quite delightful though!  Christmas Eve was spent with my family where my mom’s “new guy” was there for the family gathering. He’s an old friend of the family who I’ve known my whole life and I think he’s been subtly moving in on her the last month or so. She maintains they are just friends but hearing her talk and giggle about him paints quite the different picture. It’s weird to say the least but as long as she’s happy.  I’ll have to post more about this relationship later.

Last night Coach called me and since his kids were with their mom I invited him over to hang out for a little while after the kids went to bed.  It was another incredibly entertaining and comfortable evening.  It just feels really good to be with him.  I told Gwyn and Jules I was smitten.  Gwyn had to give me a hard time and say she’s heard that phrase before so I had to fess up that I actually like “like” Coach and not in the crazy, obsessed self-esteem crushing way that I liked FJB.  It’s good and he makes me smile so much. I’m very interested to see where this goes.  Still no sex! I’m holding out for a little bit longer before a repeat performance!

Since I have the kids for the next several days I’m very interested to see how things amp up when we’re both child-free.  Miraculously we have the same visitation schedule with the kids so that’s going to very valuable in the future.  Still no signs of gimpness or clinger syndrome in Coach.  Keep your fingers crossed!

Randomly because Duckie is taking care of his girlfriend I realized we were essentially spending Christmas under the same roof, just in different apartments.  Weird but funny. He came up this morning to see the kids and it was actually a relatively normal family moment.  My brother-in-law was giving me (well us) last night props for the way we’ve handled our separation and divorce.  All in all, it’s been really smooth and drama free for the most part. I had high hopes that we’d be able to minimize everything for the kids’ sake and I think we have. Thank heavens Duckie got out there and started dating or I think the story would be very different!

In random other news, I’ve gotten Merry Christmas text from almost every guy I’ve been involved with. Very odd these boys.  And we actually got snow so we’re having a white Christmas. How cool!

Miranda

Friday, December 24, 2010

Do You Hear What I Hear?


Happy holidays blog readers!  I keep thinking of a hundred things I want to post about but then I can’t seem to find the freaking time to do an actual post!  So in short order expect posts on my identity crisis, accepting myself as a party girl, more on how things are developing with Coach, how a strange boy in his 20s that Gwyn and I work with is weirdly texting me, and something poignant about how different this Christmas is from last.  But for today a quick Coach update and a funny story about Duckie. 

So earlier this week I’d taken my wedding dress to work.  There are a lot of details that don’t really matter about why I took it because the funny thing was when I brought it home.  Now the kids had told me that Duckie’s girlfriend was in the hospital (emergency appendectomy) so we’re coming home on Wednesday and I notice Duckie’s car in the parking lot. 

I stood in the parking lot for a minute trying to decide what to do about my wedding dress. I mean it looks pretty freaking weird for me to be carrying it around.  I decided to just roll with the punches and draped it over my arm and started up the stairs.  Right as we got to the second landing where the girlfriend lives, he pops his head out of her apartment.  He was there getting her dog to take care of while she’s in the hospital.

I couldn’t not stop and talk to him so we started chatting. The whole time I was standing there thinking, “Please don’t ask about the dress, please don’t ask about the dress.”  I did see him look at it weird a few times but he never said anything. Lord only knows what he thought I was doing with the dress out in public.  After we parted ways I chuckled up the rest of the stairs just imagining what must have been going through his mind.

In Coach news, Monday night he was supposed to take one of his sons to dinner but the kid ended up eating with his grandparents so Coach proposed he grab some dinner and bring it over to my place. I agreed and because it was short notice I took no great pains to improve my appearance.  Yoga pants and a hoodie were going to have to be good enough! 

So he brought dinner over and we just hung out and watched TV for a while. We talked a ton and laughed at all kinds of crazy stuff.  Coach shared some crazy stories from when he played minor league baseball.  They pretty much confirmed my opinion that boys in their 20s should never be without adult supervision!  He was also really nervous at first which made me crack up. 

I’m determined to slow down the sex train with him so when the kissing portion of the evening came around I busted out my best Gwyn style smack downs and we kept it entirely innocent and PG.  We ended the night with a very sweet good night kiss and with him asking me out for New Year’s Eve, which is pretty much the next time we are both child-free.

So far, he’s still following all the rules and maintaining the “just enough but not so much to be a clinger” communication guidelines.  We’ve talked on the phone every day and texted some too.  He’s pretty much said flat out that he really likes me too and that he can’t wait to spend more time together.  He’s definitely over the 85% threshold now but I need to pull out my list and figure out just how much.

This experience with Coach is quite the different dating experience for old Miranda here.  A guy who communicates, who is comfortable with his emotions, who’s secure enough not to be a clinger, who opens up and says he likes me, who makes plans – he’s clearly some sort of anomaly in the man world. 

And things are really comfortable with him. Like I don’t feel like I can’t or shouldn’t act any certain way. I’m just me and he seems to really be digging that.  And that my friends, is a pretty sweet Christmas present indeed!

Miranda

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Ho Ho Ho!

Take that however you want to because Jules has had a  busy week! Last night, I was texting with Texas and Penn sends me a text asking me to come over. Oh Lord, here we go again. I said it would be about an hour and a half before I could get there and he said that was perfect. What...no back and forth about the drive, your roommates,  etc?? Be still my heart.

When I arrived his perfectly tanned, chiseled self was waiting outside for me and helped me find a place to park (parking in town is a bitch and men have in fact been eliminated from my dating pool based on their location and parking availability - not kidding). I swear that man was cut from some great genetics. He's just so yummy.

We went up to his apartment and started watching a movie (the reason for the invite btw, yeah right). We were laying on his bed and he was behind me intertwined in my legs and arms. Then he broke out the move that melts me like butter every single time....he started kissing my neck and behind my ears. I swear to you that I will just totally become a pool the second a guy starts that. We fooled around for a little while and then we got down to it. It was fabulous. He's got a perfect cock and much like the rest of the team, he knows what to do with it and can go for a long time. I was getting ready to leave after we finished because I knew he had to work super early the next morning and he tells me that he'd like for me to stay. I'm not a big fan of spend the night because I sleep weird, but I decided to give it a go. I like sleeping alone and I hate being touched in anyway while I'm sleeping unless you're waking me up for sex. He totally complied with my weird sleeping things without having to be told. When I got up this morning, we fooled around some more and I headed out.

During our post coital cuddle last night, he remarked on how long it had been since he'd had sex last (apparently I'm the only person he's sleeping with) and noted that it was almost 3 weeks since we'd been together. I just said "Um, yeah...it's been a while". I hate when guys do that...is that there passive aggressive way of asking if I've had sex since then because I'm pleading the fifth.
-Jules

Merry Christmas to our readers and of course, to Miranda and Gwyn! I hope Santa brings everyone what they want this year! This has been a wonderful week of giving!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Naughty Santa

So today was one of those totally weird days...the holidays are making my men extra sweet and super horny.
Here's how it started. Well, actually it started last night. I was still pissed at the team last night, so I opted for some stranger sex. He was cute and eager at 25, but he lacked size and we all know by now I love a big dick. He scratched the itch, but he won't be invited back for round 2. Penn was supposed to come over last night, but didn't and finally I called him out on his lack of availability and other issues. He apologized in a meager way and he's on probation at the moment.

Today was a clusterfuck of wtf. If you followed that, extra points for you because I'm drunk and high typing this. Owen sent me a text this morning saying that today would be a great day to hook up. It was rainy and nasty here on the North Shore and there was not much else to do but fuck. I had Chloe though, home sick and napping. We had some super hot phone sex. I mean like the kind we had when we first met 2 years ago and it was on. Finally he asked if he could come over and we could meet up in my driveway since my kid was sleeping. I pondered it and decided that I could probably get away with it, so yes. I texted Miranda earlier that it's too bad I've already used "Queen of the Whores" because I'm thinking today was my reigning day. Anyway, he came over and yes I met him out in his van in my driveway and we fucked like bunnies for about 10 minutes. He made me cum 4 times and I made him cum twice. It was a personal record for both of us in that short of a time span. I was super afraid she was going to wake up, so I bolted after that. It was just a nasty, dirty, hot quickie. This is a man that appreciates my FWB, NSA approach to sex and I appreciate him immensely for that. Incidentally if you're wondering, Chloe woke up about 30 minutes after he left so I was safe.

Later in the day, Gavin rolls up. He noted that I must have been having work done today because he saw a white van in my driveway...uh-oh. Fortunately, he doesn't seem to know the owner of the said white van  but he did get that I was fucking the owner of it. He needed that nudge in life it seems. I told him today that I'm tired of having to ask for it. He said that he'll give it to me when he does and that's why I like him because he's the man. He's kind of right about that part, but not the other...you will give it to me when I tell you to goddammit. Then, he invited me to dinner. I was very confused by this move. It's not often I get thrown a curve ball, but he succeeded today with that move.

He left to cover his bases and we headed out. Chloe joined us and we went to this awesome steak house and feasted on opah and filet and many, many cocktails. Then, he decided that we needed to go Christmas shopping for the kids. We went to Sports Authority and he bought his son a bunch of stuff and Chloe a fishing rod, and I bought his son a tackle box. I told him that if he was buying her this, he would have to be the one to take her out and he was on it. They were so cute together. It makes me get over my shit with him when I see him dote on her. He's really good with her. I mean really, really good.

After our shopping excursion, we headed home. He dropped off his haul and came over to get high and for a blow job. I didn't fight it tonight since he obviously knew I'd been with someone else today but here's the kicker. He said "Baby, please you know I love you, won't you do this for me?" HUH??? We do NOT use the "L" word. Earlier in the night, we discussed his gf leaving and he said she's eventually moving but apparently not like right now and then he referenced us being together at some point. When I tried to talk about it, he totally changed the subject so I'm letting it lie but jesus. I don't know what to do with him right now. He is totally throwing me for a loop. And on that note, I can't fuck him when he's high anyway because he won't stay super hard so he got what he wanted in a way but he couldn't cum...bwahahaha.

Warning to my girls: Gavin is aware that Miranda and Gwyn are visiting next month and has asked if I'll hook him up like he did me last week with his friend...now that would be a blog post. ;) I told him not to hold his breath, but you never know with this trio. HAHA!
-Jules

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

TMI Tuesday - Dirty Deeds

How often do you wear something sexy to get attention?
Um, anytime I leave the house.  Ok  maybe that's an overstatement but I generally try to at least look cute.  I definitely wear something sexy any time I go out at night. - Miranda
When I'm going to see someone I like or if there is the possibility of seeing someone I like. I pretty much live in short shorts and a tank top or my bikini, so if that's sexy to you then I can answer all the time. ;) - Jules
I wouldn't say I wear something sexy for attention but I do try to amp up the sex factor to get what I want - discount on an oil change...no phone activation fee...a raise...etc. -Gwyn

Have you ever bought an adult magazine?
No I've never bought one. Though I used to sneak my dad's Penthouse Forums into my room as a kid and read them.  "Dear Penthouse I never thought it would happen to me..." - Miranda
Yes, I subscribed to Playgirl one year but found it ridiculously dull. - Jules
No. I've read a few Playboys but never actually purchased an adult magazine. -Gwyn
Have you ever made a sexy video or video taped yourself having sex?
Absolutely not.  I don't want to either. Though technically I did skype sex with Flyboy but I guess that doesn't really count as video unless he was secretly recording it. - Miranda
Yes, I have video on my phone of me that I send the team every now and again. I webcam with Texas sometimes and there is video of Russell and I having a threesome with another guy sometime last year. There may be others, but that's what comes directly to my mind. - Jules
No. Sexy pictures sure but no video. -Gwyn

Are you a member of the mile high club?
No and I don't think I want to be. I don't even like walking around on an airplane much less trying to squeeze in the bathroom to have sex. - Miranda
No, but I want to be! Overnight flight somewhere....2 seats all alone...I'm just saying. - Jules
No. But Miranda and I are taking a flight to Hawaii next month...-Gwyn
Have you ever been "caught" masturbating?
Yes but I don't think they knew want was really going on. HA! - Miranda
Yes, that is Owen's favorite thing to walk into my house and see....he ALWAYS wants me on the bed and getting myself ready for him. He'll come in and take over or sometimes just watch me finish for him. - Jules
No. These questions made me feel very pure and innocent. -Gwyn

Monday, December 20, 2010

Getting Lucky In More Ways Than One - I Hope!

So I have to eat my words a little from Miranda’s Manifesto Part 2 based on my behavior Friday night. Coach is a guy I’ve known for a couple of months. He and I met a little while back on a crazy night out with SoCo and his friends. That night he seemed to find everything I said and did quite funny. At the end of that night, Coach had definitely made some overtures that he liked me but he was also supposed to be moving out of state a few days later so I didn’t think much about it. I liked him but I figured it wasn’t worth the time/effort if he was moving.


We texted some over the next few days and for whatever reason he chose not to move and we’ve kept up a random text correspondence since then. FYI – Coach and SoCo have some of the same friends but they are not “friends” per se. About a month ago I asked Coach if he’d help coach my softball team in the spring (he was a big time ball player back in the day) and it flared up the texting a little between us. A couple of times he’s said he wanted to hang out but our schedules just haven’t aligned. Until Friday that is…

Let me tell you a little about Coach. He’s 42, well over 6 feet tall, very big athletic build, divorced (with a decent relationship with his ex), has two boys he has 50% of the time, works in the IT field, has a great sense of humor, college degree, big house, etc. Though I didn’t realize it until later in the night, he meets my 85% threshold!

So Friday night I went out with some of my girls to our favorite bar and I let Coach know we were going to be there. He said he was on his way and not 30 minutes later he showed up. We started hanging out, just talking and joking around. Shots were bought and drank. Dancing ensued. Then we decided to play a few games of pool.

To this point we’d done nothing but flirt and as things are want to do as the night wears on, the flirting intensified and I started breaking out my patented pool playing flirting moves. You know such original moves as trying to distract him while he was aiming by strategically bending over of leaning up against him. HA! We were cracking up and laughing a lot and generally having a raucous good time.

It was getting towards the end of the night and I’d been having a blast with him but I couldn’t really tell what he wanted to have happen. I mean I was confident he liked me but I just couldn’t guess what his approach would be. So at some point I’m sitting on the edge of the pool table and he sidles up in front of me and I look up, and bam he kisses me. And it was a really good kiss. Embarrassingly, we are kissing for what I’m guessing is more than a few minutes when one of the bartenders tells me I can’t sit on the pool table. So I hopped down and about that time my girls come over my way and say it’s time to go.

Coach is pretty responsible so he had rode with a friend to the bar and my friends offered to take him home – and my home I meant back to my place. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to be good. I mean Miranda has self control right? So we all cram into my friend’s tiny car and everyone gets dropped off at their various points including me and Coach at my place.

We are just chilling on the couch talking, laughing more, listening to music and wellllllll, damnit Miranda just has no self control! We start kissing more and more and one thing leads to another and there ends up being a whole lot of hot wild sex going on. Yes, Miranda broke one of the basic principles of dating. I know damnit!

So anyway, the next morning we wake up and we’re lying in bed and he’s being super sweet and attentive. We start talking a little bit and laughing and he keeps rubbing my back and playing with my hair. He kissed my forehead several times and eventually we got up so I could take him to his car. The whole ride to his car we just kept talking and laughing. Things were incredibly comfortable and easy. When we got to his car, Coach leaned over and kissed my cheek and said he’d talk to me later.

I didn’t really know where to go with things and despite my optimism I take these situations with a healthy dose of skepticism. Well not an hour later I get a text from him saying he was glad we had finally spent some time together and that he found me to be quite delightful. A little texting went on back and forth and he asked me out on an official date.

Since then he’s played by the rules and we’ve texted some and talked on the phone a couple times. Some clever Miranda style internet stalking helped me solidify that he meets my 85% threshold so I’m proceeding with some optimistic caution. He seems like a good guy who’s got all his ducks in a row so even though I violated a basic dating principle by sleeping with him maybe it won’t throw everything off balance.

Yesterday Coach told me he wanted to ask me out for quite a while now. (Cue the cheesy music and a collective group “awwwwww.”) It would be ever so nice to date an established, nice guy for a change. Being that I only attract gimps I still need to identify his inner gimp but here’s hoping it’s a minor gimpness.

What can I say? I’m reveling in my inner optimist but I’m still not holding my breath.

Miranda

The Day Jules Got Pissy

I've about had it with the men in my life. I mean seriously, I am in great shape, pretty, extremely intelligent (if I do say so myself), easy going, fun, and require very little in return except hot sex. How many men would not kill to be on the receiving end of this deal? Why am I plagued with men that are forced to act like idiots?? I'm not a girl that requires conversations about where we are in our relationship, if you see us going anywhere...none of that shit. I don't do it because I don't get overly attached and why don't I get attached b/c I've learned over the years that people will always let you down when you set expectations for them. No Expectations=No Disappointments. Now, I'm currently pissed because my team of men are acting like total fucking retards and all I expect from them is the aforementioned hot sex something you would think any straight man with half a brain would trip over his dick to give me. I assumed it was low enough on the expectation list to warrant little disappointment. I was wrong.

First up on the shit list today, we have Penn. Penn is texting me with come over like right now kind of shit. Dude, I'm 34 and I live an hour from you. I have a job and a kid....I can't just drop it and run over to your apartment at your whim. I need some time to plan. I understand that you're 25 and work 2 wait jobs...but c'mon here. Tonight this is the shit he pulled...he texts me to find out what time I could come over (if I'm going to be around). I'm not "around"...I live an hour from you and I hate town. I only come to town to see you or if guests are on the island. Ok, let me back up. He actually started this last night and asked if I could come over. I told him I could, but it would be about 2 hours because I was in town and would have to go home, drop Chloe off, and come back. He asked if I could arrange anything sooner...um, no...I have my KID with me. What do you propose? I have her sit in the fucking car in town while I come fuck you? OR should she sit on the other side of your tent bed while we go at it?? So since he had to be up at 5:30am, we deemed last night not a good night. Back to this evening, I said I could be there around 9pm. He starts in on this crap about how he hates for me to drive that far. I said I didn't mind and then he just stops texting. I finally asked "Do you want me to come or not?". He said he did, but he didn't really want us to use his place because of his roommates and wasn't sure. THEN WHY DID YOU START TEXTING ME IN THE FIRST PLACE ABOUT IT??? He doesn't have a car, so it's not like he was proposing coming here. We briefly discussed him coming up here tomorrow night, but I don't know...I'm about fed up with his bullshit. It's been 2 weeks and he can't seem to get it together. It's not entirely his fault, but tonight was.

To top my night off, Gavin showed up. He's been fairly MIA since Wednesday night but that guy is staying with him and he's had a lot going on as have I so I haven't sweated his absence. Plus, I've been bleeding and sick, TMI I know. ;) He comes over about 9:30 and wants to get a blow job. I told him no, I'm tired of him coming over for his needs and ignoring mine. If he wanted to fuck, great...but I'm done just servicing him. He was all like I brought you this hot guy over Wednesday and that was so amazing and I just want to have you blow me now because the gf and that guy and some other friends are up at my house. THEN WHY DID YOU COME DOWN HERE?? He said to me, "Babe, you've got to just let me be me.". I flew hot then....I was already ignoring him but that just set my ass on fire. I spat at him, "I do let YOU be YOU and how fucking dare you imply anything else?". He said I was right and said that sometimes the sex gets emotional. I reminded him that I've never, ever...not even once...asked for any emotional thing from him. He replied he knows, it's him. I pretty much told him to go home after that. He kissed me and asked me not to be mad.  I was just done with the conversation at that point, but I did leave him with the parting sentence of "I really don't get you...most men would kill to be in your shoes". He said, "That's the crazy thing about relationships...you don't always understand each other...I don't even understand me." and walked out. I told him to lock the door on his way, implying don't bother returning right now. I can't help it that he has some feelings for me that he can't seem to figure out what to do with. I have in no way, shape, or form ever asked for anything more than sexual stuff from him. Obviously, there is an emotional component to our thing, but it's mostly coming from him. I'm almost at the point where I wish the gf would stay and he would just leave me alone. I think he's an idiot for choosing to be with her and I'm over being part of that drama.

Where's the mindless, easy, uncomplicated sex? Owen was doing a side job this week, so I didn't get to see him and now the kids are out for 2 weeks. Penn and Gavin have some ass kissing to do to get back into my good graces. I mean, honestly...why is this hard? I'm NOT dating either of them...I don't particularly care to "date" either of them...I just want to fuck them. Figure your shit out guys or I'm moving on. It's a new year and I expect a year of hot sex and if you can't deliver it...I'll be happy to find someone who will. The motto for 2011 is "Easy Come, Easy Go".  I will not be disappointed in 2011 by stupid men because if you act like a moron, I will replace you.
-Jules

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Miranda's Manifesto - Part 2


At long last, part 2 of Miranda’s Manifesto.  It’s funny; I envisioned part 2 as this hard core set of rules for myself about dating.  I’ve been pulling together bits and pieces of all these blogs I read, tidbits from He’s Just Not That Into You, and even pieces from The Rules.  But I’m finding part 2 of the manifesto to be quite a bit different than I planned.

I’ve been joking with Gwyn that I felt like I was on some path of enlightenment this week that all came together with me reading this book called How to Be Single. It’s by Liz Tuccillo, one of the writers from He’s Just Not That Into You, and it’s loosely based on her personal experiences and her travels around the world to see how single women in their 30s deal with relationships.  Even though it’s fiction, there are tons of anecdotes in there that made me reflect on my own life and my friends’ lives. 

I’ve been trying to write this post since Friday and it took yet another crazy night out on the town (I’ll fill you in on that tomorrow) and lots of self reflection this week for me to be able to put my words together. So here goes. These are Miranda’s basic dating principles:

Follow the Leader - Let the boy lead, especially in the beginning.  There’s nothing wrong with a gentle nudge every once in a while but during the first month(s) the man has to be the one in control. It sucks and it’s against my personality but my research (both personal experience and from my reading) has shown that’s what guys need, like, and prefer. Plus if you lead in the beginning, you end up always leading and that winds up creating resentment and an imbalance of power (see my relationship with Duckie).

Don’t Force a Relationship to Be Something It’s Not - Despite how much you like him, you can’t make the relationship into something it’s not.  I learned that the hard way with FJB and all girls do it, so I’m going to blame it on the estrogen.  If he wants to date you, he will.  If he wants to do more than “hang out”, he will.  You can’t delude yourself with a million excuses about why he’s acting a certain way or why he’s “scared” to be in a relationship.  Because even the person who’s been through the most past relationship drama, will be in a relationship with you in a heartbeat if they really, honestly like you. Stop living in you fantasy world and be honest about the relationship you have.

Avoid Needless Contact – Before you’re exclusive, when you reach the crazy point of wanting to call/text/email him because he’s not acting/being/doing what you want, DON’T DO IT!  It’s the only way to find out what his intentions really are towards you.  You need to know how long he can go without talking to you, unencumbered by your phone calls, emails, or texts.  If you initiate contact, you contaminate the evidence.  This doesn’t mean you are aloof or unfriendly. But there’s a fine balance between letting a guy know you are interested and seeming desperate.

Hold Off on Sex as Long as Possible – This one is definitely the one that’s the trickiest for me and I feel like a hypocrite for even saying it (you’ll understand why after tomorrow’s post) but it’s true. Sex changes things and I believe in the majority of cases if you have sex too early in the relationship it can stall things out or even derail them entirely.  I wish I had some hard and fast guideline to share but it’s going to be different for every situation. I think a good basic standard is to try to hold off until you are exclusively dating.    

Love Yourself – Gross and touchy feely I know, but there’s some real truth there.  You need to be content with yourself and understand your own flaws and imperfections.  Like I said in part 1, recognize that you’re a catch and that you have a lot of to offer.  Because if you don’t love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? And if you don’t truly love yourself, you’re going to end up settling for a lot less than you deserve.

Have Some Freaking Standards Already – Writing part 1 of the manifesto was incredibly rewarding.  It made me really think about what I wanted and what I needed in a partner.  And it’s changed the way I’m thinking about guys.  Ever since I wrote my list, I’m evaluating guys differently.  I did it Friday night (I know I keep teasing you with that) and even as I sat down and thought through my past relationships.  I actually put my list of 25 characteristics on an Excel spreadsheet and listed out the guys I’ve “dated” in the last year and even put Duckie on there. The results were quite surprising.  Even being generous with my “grading,” not a single guy met my 85% threshold.  College Crush came the closest but he still didn’t qualify.  Also, looking at some of these guys and how they rated in black and white was quite eye opening. It made the last vestiges of my “fantasy” relationships with these guys fall away and I was truly, bluntly honest with myself about a lot of things.

The truth is there are no basic dating principles that work for everyone.  And honestly, I don’t want some long list of dos and don’ts that I have to work to remember. I want someone who’s going to love me for all the good things and the bad things that make Miranda Miranda.  I don’t want to play these complex games because the more I try to “work” at dating, the less I want to date.  And I don’t want to feel like I’m tricking some guy into thinking I’m something I’m not. 

You guys know it from reading this blog. I’m an optimist. I believe in love.  I want the fairytale.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I fantasize about falling wildly in love with someone one day and having an amazing long term relationship.  I’m also not afraid to admit that I realize that may never happen. I may be meant to be alone and I’m ok with that reality as well.  But I’m not going to stop believing that there is someone out there somewhere who’s going to give me the kind of relationship my parents had.

Miranda

As an addendum to my principles, please check out this post at A Girl Called Chris. It’s ingenious and hilarious and very appropriate.  http://agirlcalledchris.tumblr.com/post/1725877423.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Where have all the REAL MEN gone?

Today's post is about a phenomenon I've been wanting to discuss for awhile now. If you're a regular follower of the blog you know that I'm about the manly man - part of my downfall, since clearly my aim is off and although I want "manly man" I actually get "asshole". But, that being said, I rather be with an asshole than a whiny baby boy any day. At least you can cuss out an asshole. But it seems like these days men are becoming so whiny I can't take it. Put on your big boy pants and man up. I'm tired of hearing it already.

I thought women were supposed to be the weaker sex. I thought we were the ones who cry all the time and talk about feelings and get all bent out of shape when we don't get our way. Well I need some proof because if I meet another 'man' who is whinier than my best friend's 8 year old niece I'm going to kick someone in the mouth with my soccer cleats.

Do you need examples? Let's see....we have Amy's Gavin who whines (although he seems to have improved as of late) about his girlfriend all the time but not only continues living with her but also pays her way. Then there's my Romeo who has been whining about his job for weeks to the point where I don't even want to be around him. Then we have Miranda's Lawyer Boy who whined for months about taking the Bar and acted like he was preparing to be inaugaurated as our next president.

And not only do men whine but they continue to stay in the situation that is making them whiny in the first place. You don't like your job - get a new one. You don't like your girlfriend - leave her. You have a cold - buy some damn medicine and get over it. Your job is hard - so is everybody elses. Your family is crazy - so is everybody elses. You're tired - join the fucking club.

So please for my sake, I have two requests. First, if any women reading this blog are raising a son please teach him how to do things for himself and help him to understand that he is not the king of all kings....and if things don't go his way please let him know that he doesn't need to go shoot up a school board meeting or buy a new Lamborghini. Second, for all of our male readers I'm going to ask you to please, the next time you think about whining to your wife about your long day at work or your sore throat, consider the fact that she had another human being inside of her for 9 months and then pushed it out of a hole the size of a pencil eraser, maybe even more than once. Do you really think she cares that you had to wait 10 minutes at Starbucks for your coffee?

-Gwyn

Thursday, December 16, 2010

"Queen of Awesome"

It seems this new title has been bestowed upon me by Gavin and his friend. Last night, Gavin showed up about 8:30 at my house with a friend of his. It seems he brought this friend over as a present to me...a threesome present. Once I warmed up to the idea and after some mild protest where I told him I'm not his whore, I was pretty into it. We've actually discussed it before and I'd told him I was down with it, but he'd never materialized anyone so I thought he was just turned on by the idea. No, it seems he wanted some real , live porn. By the way, my protest was merely for show because I fucking love three ways.

He pulled me into my bedroom and told me that he wanted to watch me with his friend. (This friend is visiting from Maui, so we won't bother naming him.) He told me that his friend (who is like 6'4") is super hung. I'm not entirely sure how he knows this, but he wasn't exaggerating. Damn, thanks for the gift Gavin! I blew the two of them and then they went out to get some recreational substances and to come back for some more fun. Sadly, I'm on my period so I wasn't sure how full access this party was going to be because some men find that so horrific. When they came back, we were all a little high and fooling around. Friend decided he really didn't care if I was bleeding or not...Gavin wasn't as keen on it, but he watched and joined in as well.

At one point, the friend was entering my ass when there was a knock at the door. Who should it be? Russell...it seems he needed Tums. We scrambled to get dressed, the friend hid out in my bathroom, and Gavin nonchalantly moved himself to my desk chair. We looked guilty as sin, but Russell hasn't asked about it yet. I handed him the Tums and we went right back into it. About 10 minutes passed and Gavin announced that someone was at my door knocking...hmmm. It seems his truck was blocking the road and the neighbors needed him to move. Fortunately, there were NO further interruptions. The friend is a super horny dude and he just went at me all night. Gavin kept telling him all of my favorite things and the friend would just do them. It was fantastic! Finally, I was exhausted and knew I had to get up early for work the next day so I suggested we call it a night. They left and all but high fived me in their fawning and telling me how awesome I am. Men can be really good for the ego sometimes.

I headed to bed and fell into a super sound sleep when about 1am I wake up to Gavin standing over me talking. It shocked the shit out of me. I sleep hard, especially after drinking a ton of wine. He said the gf had thrown him out (of his house that he pays for) and he wanted to get into bed with me. What it seems he really wanted was to make sure we were ok, have me blow him again, and continue telling me how awesome I am. I told him his "gift" had surprised me because he gets so bent out of shape when I go out. He differentiated the two by saying that he knew this guy and he knew it was just a random thing. After about an hour, he decided to man up and go back to his house that he pays for and I fell back into a very deep, satisfied sleep.
-Jules

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

TMI - It's Time to Get Dirty

Stolen from "The Adventures of a Sexy PTA Mom." Gwyn is indisposed at the moment and will add her answers later if possible. Or maybe she won't, you know she's kind of tight lipped sometimes - LOL!


On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest), how satisfied are you with your life?
8 - Jules
7 - Miranda
8 - Gwyn
On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest), how satisfied are you with your sex life?
9- Jules
5 - Miranda
9 - Gwyn
What is you least favorite sexual position?
Missionary - I drifted off just thinking about it. - Jules
As Kenny said, K-9 Style - Just doesn't do much for me. – Miranda
Missionary. BORING! -Gwyn

What is the easiest way for you to reach orgasm?
Flip me over and fuck me super hard - works every single time! - Jules
By myself - LOL! Miranda
Every way is an easy way I've never really had trouble with that issue. -Gwyn
Would you rather have your significant other have sex with someone else or fall in love with someone else? [You have to pick one.]
Sex - kind of a no brainer for me. - Jules
Fall in love. I don't know if I could forgive someone having sex. - Miranda (yes I know I'm a hypocrite!)
Sex. -Gwyn
When you have a "toe-curling" orgasm, do your does curl up, or down?
Who freaking knows? I'm definitely not thinking about which way my toes are pointed when I've just cum like that. - Jules
I second that Jules though I think my toes curl up. - Miranda
Miranda, you don't get to pick the questions anymore lol. -Gwyn
Favorite body part/parts of the opposite (or same) sex?
Obviously it's their dicks...but if I'm not being a total whore, their eyes. - Jules
Shoulders, arms, eyes....sorry I started daydreaming there. Miranda
Arms, jaw line (that makes me sound sort of serial killer-ish), eyes. -Gwyn

Name three words that get you excited.
Roll over now - Jules
Credit or Debit – Miranda
I don't get excited you people know this. -Gwyn

Space

I'm taking a little much needed space right now and reflecting. Miranda's Manifesto got me thinking and I guess I'm in the end of year reflection period most people go through.  Am I happy? Yes, I'm pretty happy but I'm also a little restless. I remember thinking when I moved here how I wanted one of those hot surfer guys I saw on the beach. Well, the universe landed me two of them...both attached. I suppose I should have been more specific in my requests. That being said, I'm also not at a point where I want a boyfriend per say either so maybe the universe gave me what I needed at the time.

I'm perfectly content with the Owen situation, other than the fact that I'd like to see him more frequently. The Gavin situation is another ball of wax though. Obviously it's causing me to ponder and I'm not sure why because I kind of dig the arrangement on a lot of levels. I think I'm apprehensive about it's potential to change though and if it heads in that direction, do I want to continue it? Here's the possible change component. Allegedly (and I'll believe it when the bitch leaves with a one way ticket), the gf is moving to CA soon. She's sending her son (rather his father paid for a one way ticket for him) at the end of the week. Supposedly, she's following him the next week.

Regardless of whether or not this happens, I've pulled back from him a lot since the latest porn-high round. I realized that while I really like him, I want/deserve more as well. He's got a load of potential, but we all know we can't change them. He's been acting strangely lately too. He senses my withdrawal, but has not revisited the conversation we had last week about me ignoring him when he came over the other night all high. I think he gets it. I've also been really busy the last 2 weeks and not home much. We haven't done anything sexual in a week and a half. Yesterday, he showed up at the beach where I was laying out and took me to lunch. Later, he came over to the house for dinner with Chloe and I and hung out. He was super hungover after drinking himself into a coma the night before and decided to go home and pass out. He had to put his dog to sleep this weekend and he's pretty down about it.

So universe, what's next? If the gf was truly gone and he cleaned up the substance use, I could see myself with him on some level I think. I guess we'll see how the next month plays itself out. Meanwhile, I'm still chatting with Penn some, but he's working 2 jobs and is super busy himself. The Hungarian asked me to dinner tomorrow night and I'm entertaining it. He's a nice guy, but definitely not someone I see myself with at all. It's probably because he's a nice guy. No, it's actually because he told me he wanted me to be his gf after like 3 dates this spring. Clark IMed me yesterday to tell me that his slave leaves January 6th. I asked when he leaves, but he ignored the question.
-Jules

PS No sooner than I hit send, Gavin showed up to drop some stuff off before work. I realized I am a little weak for him. Because I started my period today, I wasn't feeling sex at all (and it's probably what prompted this post as well), but I did take care of his needs (with no porn I might add). I guess it's good to throw them one every now and again and it still establishes my need for space right now because he doesn't know that I started and it's not like me to just do that with no expectations in return.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Miranda's Manifesto - Pt 1

For those of you following this blog for any length of time, you know I attract gimps.  Boys who don’t know what they want, say they want one thing and really want another, boys who want all the benefits of a relationship without the commitment, and boys whose emotions befuddle them to such a degree that it pretty much cripples their interaction with girls.  Why? I don’t know. I’m a firm believer that you get what you give but I really don’t think I’m the Gimp Queen or anything. I mean I know a vacillate between wanting a relationship and being content with my single status but it’s not like my emotions are beyond my control.

So after my last few funky weeks, I’ve decided it’s time to reroute this train before it careens off the tracks and down into the valley of broken boys forever.  That’s right; it’s time for Miranda’s Manifesto. 

It’s time for me to draw the line in the sand and say what I want and what I’m not going to put up with anymore.  I’ve been a veritable power dating pro for the last 10 months and the constant disappointment in guys is getting more than a little old.  One by one they came. One by one they went. I don’t want to invest time in guys who are never going to be anything close to what I deserve anymore. 

I’d like a man this time, that’s right a MAN, who is reasonably put together and knows how to be a grown up.  No more fixer uppers.  No more serial daters. No more party boys. No more catch and release.  I know, that’s big talk for a girl who’s been single for just 10 months but look at my track record.  I’ve dated quite the array of guys and without a road map, no matter how different they seem on the surface, I keep ending up with the same issues again and again and again.

So I’m grabbing the bull by the horns and creating a map to get myself back on track.  I’m far from old and I am in the prime of my life and I don’t want to keep spending it on all these shmucks!  So here is my manifesto of sorts in two parts.  Today, we’re going to cover the basics of what I want in a man. These are the base qualities/characteristics that I feel are critical in a Miranda match.  My goal is to use this list to measure all future team members against with only those rare specimens fulfilling 85% of the “requirements” to have any real chance with good old Miranda. 

That’s right. I’m not scared to say it.  I’m a catch.  I’m far from perfect but if I don’t acknowledge all the good things about myself, how can I expect any man to?  I know a “list” to measure boys on is a little uppity and strange but the hope is that this will help me connect with better quality guys and fewer gimps. So here we go!

Miranda’s ideal man will…
  1. Be at least 6’ tall.
  2. Use appropriate grammar whenever possible.
  3. Be physically affectionate.
  4. Have a car.
  5. Be punctual.
  6. Have good friends who he enjoys spending time with.
  7. Be intelligent – both book smart and street smart.
  8. Have a college degree.
  9. Be hilarious with a mastery of sarcasm.
  10. Enjoy traveling and doing spur of the moment activities.
  11. Regularly compliment me.
  12. Take me on dates.
  13. Communicate at least once a day via phone, email, or text.
  14. Be a non smoker.
  15. Be decisive and make plans instead of relying on me to do so.
  16. Enjoy texting.
  17. Not be a fan of using racial or homophobic slurs.
  18. Be socially confident enough to fit in with my friends and family.
  19. Have a career he enjoys with at least a moderate drive to succeed.
  20. Make an effort to see me regardless of whether or not I have the kids.
  21. Be able to appropriately express his emotions.
  22. Be able to hold his own in any conversation.
  23. Enjoy a wide array of music.
  24. Make more money than me.
  25. Be someone who seems as excited about me as I am about them.
That’s right those are my top 25 requirements.  All based on experiences from my marriage or from my crazy array of team members over the past 10 months.  Hold me to it.  When I start talking about new boys force me to be honest about how they measure up.  Don’t let me gloss over things or make excuses.  Both you and I are too good for that. 

Next up, Miranda’s Dating Do’s and Don’ts. Stay tuned….

Miranda

PS – I must give credit where it is due.  I got the idea for this list from a highly entertaining blog – Starts with an X. She created her own list after a particularly rough row of guys and guess what, she found her a good man and they’re getting married. I think she’s on to something

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Hell Hath No Fury....

So yesterday I had my first real run-in with Duckie’s girlfriend.  She was laden down with bags and we met on the stairs of our apartment building and exchanged awkward ex-wife/girlfriend pleasantries. Being the stepford ex that I am, I offered to help her carry her stuff upstairs.  Part of it was being nice but it was also with the idea that maybe I’d get a sneak peek at her apartment. You know she has photos of the two of them on display.  Alas, my good deed went undone because she declined and we parted ways.

After shopping I headed over to Gwyn’s house to birthday her roommate.  We did the girl thing hanging out, drinking wine, and laughing our asses off. We had a hilarious conversation about her roommate watching porn on her laptop with earphones on so Gwyn wouldn’t hear.  Another friend asked if the headphones got in the way when she was masturbating which started the hysterics. I don’t know what she’s doing when she masturbates but I know my ears have nothing to do with it!  Then the friend asked, “How do you change positions?”  This set us off in further hysterics because we said none our “sessions” lasted long enough to need to change positions.  Maybe we’re missing out or she doesn’t know how to tickle the bean.  NOTE – Gwyn did not participate in this conversation and it made her so uncomfortable I thought she might pass out or leave her own house. HAHAHA!

One of my other friends wanted to go out that night so I left Gwyn’s and ran home to get ready.  If I could re-do last night this is the point where I would have stayed at Gwyn’s.  So I get ready and my girl is clearly messed up so I ended up just planning to meet her at the bar.  I get there and get the lay of the land and see a bunch of my guy friends including The Friend.  I’m hanging out thinking how weird it is to be in a bar by myself and wondering when my girl is going to get there when the guys come over and start talking.

The Friend is being all weird. Like he’ll say something in passing to me and then zoom across the room.  Then as soon as I talk to another guy he’s right back saying something and the minute I respond he zooms away. It was like he felt awkward or something or maybe it was throwing him off that I wasn’t throwing myself at him.  Anyway, it was incredibly annoying.

So a little later in the night I’m standing there talking to one of the guys when this random girl turns around at the bar and gets in my face and starts cussing. She claimed I’d been giving her dirty looks all night and she was sick of it. She was clearly inebriated and must have thought I was someone else.  I started off nice and tried to tell her I’d never seen her before. That set her off more and I’m not sure what came over me but I caught myself making a freaking fist like I was getting ready to fight.  I am clearly carrying around some repressed anger.

So after a minute her friends herd her off outside the bar and apologize along the way.  The guy I was talking to asked what that was all about and I swear all I could think about was tracking her down and hitting her.  I decided right then and there that I had to get out of there ASAP.  I threw my mostly full beer away, didn’t say a word to anyone, and got the hell out of dodge.

I came home, magically cooked a weird array of foods, ate, did a little drunk Facebooking, and then went to bed.  But not before I told The Friend off via text for his weird behavior, thanked him for avoiding me for the most part, and called him a “fucking gimp.”  Yep, I’m angry Miranda.

Today I woke up feeling like I needed to wipe the slate clean, get rid of every guy in my life, and start from scratch.  I’m feeling a manifesto coming on.  Expect to see one in the next few days.  It’s going to be a whole new ballgame for this player.

Miranda  

PS Grandpa Twin sent me a funny text today that was a photo of his Christmas tree and asking if I thought he should add anything to it.  You have to give him props for finding a creative reason to initiate texting me. LOL!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Top 10

Top Ten Signs Things Might Not Be Working In Your Relationship
1. She puts your stuff in the yard sale box upon moving in. 
2. She refuses to give you Internet on the computer in your house after you let her move in (for free).
3. Her kid hates you...still (7 years later).
4. You get yelled at all day long at home (and did I mention this is after you let her move in for free??).
5. Your friends refuse to be around her.
6. Your friends are all tired of hearing you complain about her and have thus decreased their contact with you.
7. She complains about everything you do for her, even the nice things.
8. She cheats on you. 
9. You cheat on her the entire time you've been back together (since March).
10. You call your pt gf (see #9) to ask if you can move back in for a week just to get away from her. 
I'm just saying...
 
In happy news, my STD results came back today with an all clear. At least her cheating on him didn't infect me with anything...thankfully. I wish she would just crawl into a hole, but honestly I told Miranda today that her living with him again makes me look awesome! In sad news, Gavin's dog is super sick again and she may have to be put down. I'm trying to not think about it because I love that dog...a lot. 
Penn and I ended up not hanging out last night. I think he got called into work, though he was vague. He texted me mid afternoon to see if I could come over before class, which I couldn't. I can't figure out his deal. He's hot, but young...so I'm pretty whatever about it. He's been texting me off and on today. Miranda compared his pattern to FJB...maybe I should run now! 
Texas has slowed his hourly contact to just once a day. He got really pissed about the cactus incident it seems. He said it sounded like part of a story, so I told him the whole story and then I think he believed me finally. If not, I don't care. I like talking to him, but I know it's not going anywhere so if he's going to get pissy over stupid shit, aloha.  
-Jules