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Friday, December 10, 2010

I Could Have Been a White Trash Bride

Hey ya'll how's it going? Ok that's about as country as this girl gets - except when she's had 4 cocktails, 2 LITs, a shot and a beer. Miranda updated you on last Saturday night's debauchery but she wanted to let me tell my part of the story myself - and if you're used to my classic weirdo stories this one won't let you down.

Miranda and I had a couple of drinks at her house and then headed out to a very....unique bar in the city where she lives. To give you an idea of this place I'll try and set the scenery - the gravel parking lot is full of pickup trucks, SUVs covered in mud and harleys - the bar has no real entrance you just basically take your chances and pick one of the several nondescript white doors, kind of like russian roulette - many of the bar's patrons were over the age of 55 and several were sporting applique Christmas sweaters - a skeleton riding a harley and flipping off the patrons was their idea of decorating for the holidays - the TVs played monster truck racing on one and horse racing on the other - the bar's motto involves double use of the "f" word - I witnessed a biker who resembled one of the raisinettes dirty dancing with a pool stick for no less than 45 minutes - I saw tattoos in places I never knew existed - I was called "el diablo" by a particularly intoxicated gentleman when I wasn't able to provide him with enough detail about a strip club in the city where I live - I could go on but I think this captures the ambiance pretty well.

When we walked in the place, we immediately headed to the bar to get a drink and then went and hung with Miranda's friends for awhile and listened to the band. Then we decided it was time to do some good old people watching and migrated to the bar area. We stood around for awhile scoping out the scene (I noticed a grandma giving the stink eye to everyone and instantly coined her as my favorite bar patron of the night) and then noticed what was quite possibly the only group of normal looking men under the age of 50 in the entire bar. They were clearly military and Miranda and I decided they were our targets for the nights. I guess my aim was off....

Once the military guys got up to go play pool we took their seats at the bar - I happened to sit next to Single Dad and eventually we started chatting some. Meanwhile, Miranda was busy kicking ass at the bar game (dropping a quarter into a shot glass floating inside a big glass pickle jar filled with water) and rubbing on the muscles of one of our targets whenever he came back to the bar to get a drink. I'm not sure how I started talking to Single Dad and only really remember bits and pieces of our special time togther. I told Miranda yesterday that I remember talking to him about cars and finding out that he built bikes for a living - even in my drunken state I remember thinking 'damn this guy could fix your brakes and alignment and tires and inspection and oil change....all for free' I better see what I can get out of this.

After a few more drinks I noticed Miranda was no longer sitting next to me and had migrated to the pool table area. She was giving her guy the googly eyes and I knew it was going to be one of those nights lol. Then her guy's friend kept yelling at me "Hey Gwyn is it ok if Miranda leaves with us?" I think I said yes because by that point I knew Single Dad would give me a ride back to her house if need be. But apparently I either said no or didn't speak in a language country boy could comprehend because he kept yelling it to me like every two minutes or so. Eventually they left and Single Dad and I followed close behind.

We got back to Miranda's - me, Miranda, Single Dad, Muscle Man (Miranda's guy) and freak show (Muscle Man's weirdo friend). It was obvious that Miranda and her man were going to get it on and freaky boy was really rubbing me the wrong way - it was then I decided that I would take one for the team and go stay with Single Dad so Miranda could get her swerve on in private, and freaky boy was really being annoying and I knew if I stayed I'd have to fend him off all night which I didn't want to do. Miranda looked at me in awe when I said I was leaving - she didn't realize until the next day that I didn't actually like Single Dad I was just trying to be a good wing woman - I would've had a shocked look if I were her too. Before we left we made Single Dad leave all of his contact information including his address so that if anything went awry they knew where I was and who I was with. By this time I had already decided I wasn't even going to kiss Single Dad much less sleep with him. Jules was fascinated by this concept lol and the fact that I could sleep in the bed, drunk as hell, with a guy and not only not sleep with him or even hook up but also fend off his advances with ease.

So we leave Miranda's and in the car Single Dad says to me "I just want to tell you I don't live in a big house or anything. I'm actually living in a single wide trailer right now." I may as well have been wearing an iron chastity belt at that point folks - there was no recovering from that statement. I had already decided Single Dad wasn't even worth a pity hook up but this completely sealed the deal. I accepted my fate and about ten minutes later we arrived at the trailer. I'll give him credit, it was decently nice inside and you could tell he had moved out of a big house (his furniture was huge it was like I was in Alice in Wonderland or something) but it was still a trailer. Gwyn does not do trailers.

I wish I could go back in time and see the expression on my face when (1) he told me he lived in a trailer and (2) when I stepped out of his truck and saw the trailer in all its glory. Anyways, needless to say, Single Dad got no love that night. I slept in all of my clothes including my jacket and literally laughed at him and pushed him off of me when he tried to start making out (at least I think that's what he was doing, I had my eyes closed even when I pushed him off because I was scared if I opened them it would mean this was actually happening lol). He tried once more in the morning and again I pushed him away and giggled at him like he was crazy. Even after my prudish ways Single Dad was very nice and polite and drove me back to Miranda's nice and early the next morning.

We proceeded to laugh, eat pizza at 10am, play MarioKart until it made us feel like puking and then pass out until late that afternoon when I finally went home. All in all it was just another average night in the lives of the ladies at Infidelity Chronicles.

OMG UPDATE 2:00pm - Thanks to Miranda's super Internet detective work we happened to stumble upon Single Dad's profile on Plenty of Fish. Prepare to behold what could've been Gwyn's knight in shining armor...here is a direct copy, horrendous grammar included, of Single Dad's 'About Me' section of his profile:

in a good guy lookin for frends maybe more u can never tell. i love my job.you will never find eneyone elce like me. love to hang out love to ride my bike and go to the lake. my baby is 11 and is the love of my life if you want to no more let me no. i love to go places just not by myself and need someone to go with.

-Gwyn

2 comments:

  1. Damn girl, he sounds like a PRINCE. LMAO! I was impressed though...it's not a concept I'm familiar with. ;)
    -Jules

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  2. Gwyn did an awesome job painting a picture of this "bar." I have to say it was more than a little fun to get her out of her element and in this foreign wasteland of rednecks and faux bikers!

    She looked quite bad ass sitting at the bar talking to Single Dad!

    Miranda

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