Sunday, December 12, 2010

Hell Hath No Fury....

So yesterday I had my first real run-in with Duckie’s girlfriend.  She was laden down with bags and we met on the stairs of our apartment building and exchanged awkward ex-wife/girlfriend pleasantries. Being the stepford ex that I am, I offered to help her carry her stuff upstairs.  Part of it was being nice but it was also with the idea that maybe I’d get a sneak peek at her apartment. You know she has photos of the two of them on display.  Alas, my good deed went undone because she declined and we parted ways.

After shopping I headed over to Gwyn’s house to birthday her roommate.  We did the girl thing hanging out, drinking wine, and laughing our asses off. We had a hilarious conversation about her roommate watching porn on her laptop with earphones on so Gwyn wouldn’t hear.  Another friend asked if the headphones got in the way when she was masturbating which started the hysterics. I don’t know what she’s doing when she masturbates but I know my ears have nothing to do with it!  Then the friend asked, “How do you change positions?”  This set us off in further hysterics because we said none our “sessions” lasted long enough to need to change positions.  Maybe we’re missing out or she doesn’t know how to tickle the bean.  NOTE – Gwyn did not participate in this conversation and it made her so uncomfortable I thought she might pass out or leave her own house. HAHAHA!

One of my other friends wanted to go out that night so I left Gwyn’s and ran home to get ready.  If I could re-do last night this is the point where I would have stayed at Gwyn’s.  So I get ready and my girl is clearly messed up so I ended up just planning to meet her at the bar.  I get there and get the lay of the land and see a bunch of my guy friends including The Friend.  I’m hanging out thinking how weird it is to be in a bar by myself and wondering when my girl is going to get there when the guys come over and start talking.

The Friend is being all weird. Like he’ll say something in passing to me and then zoom across the room.  Then as soon as I talk to another guy he’s right back saying something and the minute I respond he zooms away. It was like he felt awkward or something or maybe it was throwing him off that I wasn’t throwing myself at him.  Anyway, it was incredibly annoying.

So a little later in the night I’m standing there talking to one of the guys when this random girl turns around at the bar and gets in my face and starts cussing. She claimed I’d been giving her dirty looks all night and she was sick of it. She was clearly inebriated and must have thought I was someone else.  I started off nice and tried to tell her I’d never seen her before. That set her off more and I’m not sure what came over me but I caught myself making a freaking fist like I was getting ready to fight.  I am clearly carrying around some repressed anger.

So after a minute her friends herd her off outside the bar and apologize along the way.  The guy I was talking to asked what that was all about and I swear all I could think about was tracking her down and hitting her.  I decided right then and there that I had to get out of there ASAP.  I threw my mostly full beer away, didn’t say a word to anyone, and got the hell out of dodge.

I came home, magically cooked a weird array of foods, ate, did a little drunk Facebooking, and then went to bed.  But not before I told The Friend off via text for his weird behavior, thanked him for avoiding me for the most part, and called him a “fucking gimp.”  Yep, I’m angry Miranda.

Today I woke up feeling like I needed to wipe the slate clean, get rid of every guy in my life, and start from scratch.  I’m feeling a manifesto coming on.  Expect to see one in the next few days.  It’s going to be a whole new ballgame for this player.


PS Grandpa Twin sent me a funny text today that was a photo of his Christmas tree and asking if I thought he should add anything to it.  You have to give him props for finding a creative reason to initiate texting me. LOL!


  1. I love it! A fresh start for the new year...bring it! :) You deserve better!

  2. Hahaha that masturbation conversation nearly killed me. You forgot to mention it was led by a recently-turned lesbian who I've always known for over 15 years as quite the slut (for men that is).

    As for the trash talking incident, I'm glad I decided to stay in because if I was there I'm pretty sure I would have clocked the girl. I've been watching lots of Bad Girls Club fights so I think I'm ready for my first now.

    I'm wiping the slate clean too...on to the next one!!