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Wednesday, March 31, 2010

You Will Not Be My Baby Daddy!

So crazy Toe Boy of the “I hope you don’t think I’m paying for it all” incident is still up my ass – figuratively, not literally ha-ha. He is not giving up; this fool really thinks he has a shot? Oh, and I got further proof that he’s a spoiled little rich boy – he drives a freaking Honda S2000! I actually asked him if he was such a spoiled little rich boy why he didn’t pay for dinner, his response “It wasn’t the right thing to do.” WTF! Stupid little rich boy. Oh and on top of that, he told me this weekend he thinks we should have a baby together. Yes, a baby! LMFAO!

Now I know you are wondering why I continue to talk to him after his deplorable manners, well he’s just fun to mess with folks. I like to get him all riles up talking about us one day having a threesome just to get him to admit he likes boys. It’s fucked up. I know! But fun!

In other and more exciting man news, I’ve been chatting again with Texas who is so dreamy. Even if we never meet, he’s revived my hopes of there being real, actual gentlemen out there still. And, if this is all an act with him, he’s doing a freaking good job of it.

I am going out with Lawyer boy on Thursday and freaking out about it! We're going to dinner and then to a few bars in the downtown Winston area. We’ve talked on the phone a lot and he is quit an interesting guy, very smart, which is verrrrryyyy hot. He’s into European pop music, which makes me laugh but whatever floats your boat. He told me about this one singer he likes from Germany, Alexander Marcus. If you have a minute, check out this video of his entitled Homo Dance. The song is good but the video is freaking hilarious! Please immediately Google that and check it out. Guaranteed to brighten you day. I can’t wait to give him hell in person about it. I would say of all the guys I’ve talked to, he’s got the most real potential. Texas would be a close second and if we ever actually meet, he could move to the #1 position.

Tonight, well today and tonight I’m going out with a new guy – Motorcycle Man. This is a through and through country boy, excuse me man – he’s 44 lol, who owns a motorcycle! He’s very sweet and cute. He actually had his teenage daughter take a photo of him with her cell phone and then text it to me. So I exchanged a few texts with her, which was actually very funny. We’re having lunch and then going for a ride this evening. I’m very excited about that. He’s a super nice guy but my gut says he’s just going to be for fun, hard to imagine myself dating him. But who knows? When we meet in person, it could be a different story.

Friday night my big plans are to finally go dancing with the girls. I can’t freaking wait! I’ve even suggested that my high school crush, who we came dangerously close to a drunken hook up last weekend, make it a point to be in the vicinity of the club so we can say “hello” in person. That could be dangerous!

I used to love going dancing so much in college and I’ve really missed it all these years. I had opportunities to go when I was married but I was always afraid I’d get drunk and cross the line with some random dude….guess I was right about that one. Ha! Of course, I haven’t ever been drunk with Sawyer so I can’t really use that as an excuse. Unless you can be drunk with LUST! And the one time I was drunk around him, we didn’t even kiss, that was Halloween night, read my very first blog to find out more about that if you haven’t yet.

So all these boys entertaining me so greatly. Still haven’t quite figured out what to do with Sawyer. We’ve talked through email this week like normal but I’m definitely backing off some to make him chase me. He knows I’m dating like a fiend so we’ll see what happens. I am trying my best not to suggest a little rendezvous with him. It’s hard though, he makes me weak. Yall try to help me be strong….

Miranda

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

FWB That I'll Keep

I saw Owen today...OMG he has ruined me for other men. I mean ruined. I worked out this AM and was a little leary about him coming over for fear I would be tired or sore. The endorphins must have still been up b/c holy mother of god he brought his "A" game. How in the crap am I ever going to find someone that measures up to this performance level?? For those of you that wonder if I have feelings for him and/or wonder/hope he will leave his wife one day, rest assured. I could never, ever "date" him or live with him b/c it would totally ruin this level of sex. We don't have bf/gf sex. We have super hot, 'I don't know your mother', 'I don't have to pick up your socks', 'I don't have to talk to you about the bills, house, kids, etc.' kind of sex. No...I never, ever want him to leave his wife/kids...ever.
No word from Gavin since last Thursday...pretty happy about that. Owen said today "I hope I don't know any of your new neighbors." I wimped out and said "Me too...". I should have said "Hey Gavin X lives right in front of me." but I didn't want to have to answer questions about how I know Gavin or induce paranoia in Owen, so I let is slide. (Of course by this I mean, I wimped out.) I have come up with a viable solution though...he can park on the rd, walk in between the back houses, and come in the kitchen door. Problem solved (I hope).
-Jules

Monday, March 29, 2010

Nanna, Camps, and Potential Flies in the Ointment

I’m very pleased to report that the visit with my mother-in-law has been uneventful and pleasant. She has been helpful and also very non-judging of us. The first night she was here, she thanked me for marrying Russell. I think she was afraid that I would be “divorcing” her too, which I assured her isn’t the case. She’s not always my favorite person, but she is Chloe’s grandmother. She has asked me several times if I think “we’ll find our way back to each other” over these next three years of co-existing. I told her that I think that ship has sailed. I love Russell, but I’m not in love with him anymore. We’ve both changed and again…he’s GAY. Russell told her I was pissed she hadn’t called and she actually addressed it by telling me the other night that she just didn’t know what to say. I suppose I understand that. I don’t think anyone in that family has ever gotten divorced…they just die.
In other news, Russell and I are “discussing” what to do with Chloe this summer. My job is no longer cost effective. Any camps that I would send her to this summer would actually be MORE money than what I would make during the time that she would be there. I’m applying for some wait jobs so that I can do that while I’m in school and I’m hoping one of those comes through sooner than later. This is my life…announce I no longer want to be married, but I want you to live with me and continue to financially support me for 3 years while I’m in school, and oh btw I’m quitting my job…lovely. I’m sure he’s sitting around going WTF? I’m shocked that he’s letting me get away with this…guilt is a powerful thing I suppose. (I don’t want to give the impression that I’m a gold digging whore…Russell doesn’t have enough money for me to be.) We talked about possibly sending Chloe home for the summer to my family, but 2 months is too long for her to be gone from her Mama and my family isn’t exactly waving the normal flag. At some point, I should probably do a posting on my crazy Southern family…my parents make my situation look almost pedestrian.
Yesterday I heard from cute ex-Army boy that moved back to Texas in January. It seems he’s moving back in the summer…yes! That was some super fun, hot, o-m-g sex. Speaking of which, I get the keys to our new house on Thursday. Owen is coming over to break in the new place that morning…so many new rooms, so many possibilities. I just hope Gavin and Owen don’t know each other, which given what they both do for a living/fun is pretty impossible on this island. I guess I should say I hope Gavin doesn’t sit in his backyard and watch for Owen to come over on my days off. This would totally freak Owen out. I suppose its back to the van if that happens.
-Jules

Saturday, March 27, 2010

You Must Be At Least This Tall to Ride this Ride

So I know I left you with a teaser the other day, let me share the details. Friday morning, Sawyer came over for an early morning visit (4 am – seriously early but hey he goes to work early so…). We actually got some good time together and my sappy self will admit it was really nice to have a warm body to curl up next to in the bed. We did our thing, hung out for a while, talked, etc. He asked if I had any plans for later and I told him the truth, I had a date and hopefully one the next day as well. He did his normal acting like it was awesome I was going out and that it was no big deal. So time came to say goodbye and I did the gentlemanly thing (haha) and walked him to the door. He kissed me goodbye and then said something that distinctly sounded like “Love Ya.” WTF! I didn’t respond, I’m not stupid folks. I just acted like I didn’t hear anything and told him to drive safely. Yeah, not gonna touch that one with a 10 foot pole. And like I don’t know that he was saying that cause he knew I had a date or two in the works. Whatever! I will admit that if that is what he said, and honestly I’ve thought it over and over and there’s nothing else he could have said that would have sounded like that, that it was nice to hear. Still not going to go there…. Oh and again he had his wedding band off LMFAO!

I did have a date for later that day with the potentially gay/Toe Boy I’ve mentioned. We’ve chatted a ridiculous amount and he seems fun (re: light and simple) so I agreed to meet him halfway between my house and his. He lives about 1.5 hours away. Got there and he was on time – score one point. He looked just like his pics – score another point. He hugged me which was nice considering how much we’ve chatted/talked – score one point. And he was a good two inches shorter than promised – MINUS five points! What’s with the guys exaggerating their height? Do they think we won’t notice when we show up???? Seriously!

He’s a nice kid – LOL. I say kid because he’s only 28. So we commenced to eating and he actually started off on an uptick by complimenting my hair and shoes. Remember he has a foot fetish haha. So we chatted a bit and thankfully the waitress brought me my margarita double quick. So then Toe boy went off on this 45 minutes diatribe about how religion is a crock (though he believes in God), politics are corrupt, the system is broken, and how “the man” is always holding people down. Did I mention that this little boy is so obliviously a rich boy it’s ridiculous? He lives in a town that is extremely wealthy, wears these rich boy trendy hip hop clothes, and is in college at age 28 working on his second degree. After his diatribe of which he only asked me 3 questions, I said “so what are you going to do about all this stuff you’re against? Are you going to try to change things or just bitch and moan about it?” LOL he didn’t appreciate that exactly but it did stop his diatribe in its tracks. Now during the dinner he did cop a feel or two on my feet (the table was very small haha) and I have to admit, a good foot rub is never a bad thing!

Then, the check came and did he offer to pay? NOOOOO! He actually said “I hope you don’t think I’m going to pay for it all.” Yeah, pick your jaws up off the floor. He busted that out. Now I’m all about splitting the check when the time is right but that was such an uncool way to suggest that. I told him no I didn’t expect him to pay for it all but he didn’t give me a chance to offer. To that he looked quite sheepish stupid little boy. So we split the bill and then he so graciously offered to walk me to my car. He did take my hand which was sweet but I was still disgruntled by his lack of manners. He went in for the kiss and I figured hell I may as well kiss him, I’d driven that far so I may as well get a little play. He was a good kisser though he has a slightly girly build, thin and slight. So it kind of felt like I was hugging/kissing a girl. So then I headed home, alone, with no intention of ever seeing Toe Boy again. Though he can be my virtual boyfriend because he is entertaining to talk to but I just can’t be bigger and stronger than my man. Just not going to happen! Remind me to never again date anyone under 30!

All that action in one day! Definitely bordering on the trampy line hahahahaha!

Oh and tonight as I cruised PoF, I finally gave in and gave my number to this older guy (re 40) who’s been emailing me a lot. We texted a few times and then he called me. I was so hoping it’d turn into drinks tonight or something but when I answered the phone, he had the gayest voice ever! Maybe I should introduce him to Toe Boy….

In other boy news, I haven’t heard from Lawyer boy or Tex in a few days :( They are ever so much more fun to talk to than all the old/fat/lame/gay/ugly guys. Though Kane is back from his “vacation to go snowboarding for a week in Vail” and he keeps asking me when we're going to hook up. Another rich boy me thinks but this one is at least a little older. Haha!

Miranda

Inmate Looking for a Penmate

Since the whole Gavin thing has been a wash, I've decided to start shopping around for someone else. You know my theory...best way to get over one is with another...not that I have much to get over b/c WTF was I thinking?! (Rhetorical question btw)
Tonight, I was bored and decided to see what was going on with Craig's List (CL) these days. I found some freaking hilarious stuff that was too good...could NOT resist sharing. For the record, I didn't respond to these. I'm sure you guys think my standards are in the toilet, so I feel compelled to clarify even I have limits. ;)

"Inmate looking for Penmate" ad
I am incarcerated in Arizona at the present time with many other inmates from Hawaii. Due to lack of space on Oahu, the state flies us here until we are almost ready to become free again. I will be FREE AGAIN in 5 months time. I am in prison for a burglary charge and I have paid my dues. Now I am ready to make a new start and am looking for the right woman to make my life complete. I was raised in Kalihi and am easy going. I love to enjoy life and would like to find a pretty lady who wants to share life together. We will have 5 months to get to know one another until the day I return to Hawaii as a free man.
Please mail me a letter telling me about yourself, along with a recent picture to:
Saguaro Correctional Center
1252 East Arica Road
Eloy, Arizona
Once I receive your letter, I will write back and give you a picture of mine. If you have any questions, feel free to email back. Thanks.

I deleted his name, but seriously?? Dude, if anyone responds to this ad, they should be shot.

Here's my next fave. It's titled "We are all Sinners".
But in Gods eyes we are all perfect. I know sex before marriage is a sin, but I cannot take it anymore. I need to unleash! Are you a good Christian girl who feels the same? Lets do this together then we can pray about it after, asking for forgiveness.

Good stuff...I am not praying after sex. There's a lot of mentioning of God during sex, but not so much before or after. I don't make this stuff up by the way...check out that section of CL one day. It's a riot.
-Jules

Friday, March 26, 2010

News Alert - Duckie is still an ASSHOLE

Just had to share this lovely story. So a girl I work with, wonderful sweet kind hearted couldn't ask for a better person to work with girl, she lost her grandmother to a long battle with cancer this past Saturday. They were very close and she's been understandably upset. So the service was Tuesday and then she came back to work yesterday. Right at the end of the day, she got a call saying her father was found dead in his home. Looks like he overdosed, intentional or not remains to be seen. So she's clearly devastated.

I emailed Duckie this morning to see if he could check about Leo going to camp next week since it's spring break and I was going to take the week off to be with him but in light of the work situation, I'll only be taking part of the week. See this email trail. I mean really....

Miranda - I just can't believe it. I can't imagine losing a grandparent and then a parent just a few days later. I'm not sure if it was intentional or not either. I know he'd struggled with drug addiction for quite a while and the last week with her grandmother passing he'd been very out of sorts and not really dealing with everything well.

Duckie - I can imagine actually...to some degree... I lost a Father-in Law one week...and my wife the next.

Miranda - I don't even have words to respond to that. Thanks for checking on the school thing.

Duckie - No problem...You are just oblivious to the things you say to me... Back when you mom's anniversary was you said you really feel for her having to go through that with him....same here--I have to go through our anniversary without my wife. Now you say how awful it is to lose someone one day and then someone else so soon....I couldn't agree more. I feel for her loss's. I know how it feels.

I mean seriously! He's going to make this terrible awful situation about us! OMG! Is it any wonder why I left his dumb ass!!!!!!!!

Miranda

PS - I think Sawyer told me he loved me this morning but I'll save that for another blog. Grrrrrr

What Crazy Looks Like On An Ordinary Day

I'm totally ripping off this title from an awesome book. You should go NOW and read it, if you haven't already. Anyway, crazy came my way today and I've decided FWB ain't worth it.
Gavin called me at 8am. I ignored his call as I had just rolled out of bed and I don't believe in talking to people before caffeine has hit my body. I can't be trusted with the words that leave my mouth before then. He called again at 9:15am...I was working out with Damien and let it go to VM. He called again at 11:30am. I had just taken a bong hit (yes, it's part of the workout plan on non-Chloe days) and was choking on smoke but thought it would be hilarious if Damien answered my phone. He did and Gavin fumbled hard core. I felt sort of bad for fucking with him, but I rec'd an email from Damien yesterday telling me to RUN the opposite direction of this situation before I get hurt and/or involved in more than I had intended to with the ex still being around.
I called him back after my run today and told him I was finished working out with Damien and that we were hitting the beach. I invited him to join us, knowing full well that he would decline since he really just wants the benefits portion of FWBs. To my surprise, he said he was coming...only he thought I had gone home to lay out alone and didn't understand that I was laying out with Damien. He called me after he drove the 30-45 minutes to my house, kind of pissed about my whereabouts. I told him I was on the beach at Damien's and suggested he turn around and drive the 20 minutes back up to where we were, he declined. I apologized for his drive out of the way, but what else was there to say? I was high and quite frankly I just wanted to chill on the beach, something I did for another 2 1/2 hours after this call.
Once Russell and his mother had gathered Chloe from school, they came up to the area I was in and we tried to go to another beach. It had started raining, so we decided to take my mother-in-law to see the new house. We pulled in and Gavin was out watering his lawn and stopped to stare at us (again) as we drove up, something that I must admit is a little unnerving to both Russell and I. Then, Russell noticed his ex on the back porch. He asked me who the blond chick was staring holes into me. I hadn't noticed her, but realized quick, fast, and in a hurry who it was. I decided at that moment that crazy obviously knows about me and I do not want crazy coming and knocking on my door.
-Jules

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Girly Squeal!

So crazy how in a short few weeks my life is all about boys, boys, boys. Plenty of Fish proves to be fruitful mating grounds. I’ve connected with several different guys off there who have some great potential and even a couple who cause to me do a “girly squeal” after talking to them. Here’s my man rundown for this week….

Sawyer – What to do, what to do. We’re still talking, though not as much as before. I think my attention is so swayed to corresponding with all these new boys that I don’t have as much time for him. However, being with him it comfortable, safe even. I’m not trying to prove anything with him anymore at least. It’s weird how my illicit affair has turned into my comfort zone! On some weird level, I actually feel more guilty about the affair now that I’m single than I did before. It’s hard to explain. It’s like before, the illusion of us one day being “together” was just that, an illusion. So the guilt could be squashed in some way. Now that one of us is free and clear for all intents and purposes, it feels like I’ve infiltrated his marriage somehow and made what was already precarious, that much more shaky. A good friend said I should just cut him off entirely and see how he reacts. And while I’d like to force him to ‘fess up as to his feelings, I don’t want to push him somewhere he doesn’t want to be. And though he frustrates me sometimes greatly, I'm not ready to let go of him yet. I was thinking the other day though that if his wife ever found out…….I’d be in a big ole heap of trouble. May just have to pack up and run to Hawaii to live with Jules for a good long while.

Texas – He’s such a sweetie. I mean really, really sweet. Maybe too sweet. We were supposed to have lunch this week but we had to reschedule it because he had a job interview back in Texas. When he gets back, we’re going to meet up. Here’s a little sample of a chat session we had where he admitted he likes me. As a good friend here said, “If she didn’t know better, she’d think it was two high schoolers in love.”

bc: i'm just normal people miranda
miranda: no, i don't think you are "normal" ;)
bc: i'm not sure i'm going to be staying in nc
bc: i've been wanting to ask you if you'd like to meet
miranda: i'd love to meet you in person, and it's ok if you're not sure that you're staying in nc
bc: the conversation has been fun and light and i was just trying to keep it that way
bc: i didn't want to feel like i was playing games with you
miranda: so are we going to start playing games now? lol
bc: i guess it's just an expectations thing
miranda: what do you mean?
bc: like...i think i'd really like you ...i do already
miranda: so now we need to see if I live up to your expectations? is that what you are saying?
bc: no...i think you're pretty awesome
miranda: thx, i think you're pretty awesome too
bc: there it is....i doubt i'd live up to your expectations...i'm just a regular guy
miranda: whatever. i'm just a regular girl too


Yes, he is one of the ones who makes me “girly squeal.” I really hope I get to meet him soon.

There’s also a new fish on the horizon – this one known as Lawyer Boy. That’s right ladies; I’ve landed me a big old lawyer fish. Well, to be technical he’s waiting to find out if he passed the bar but still… He’s hilarious, great looking, and has a banging vocabulary. Some of his emails entertain me so greatly they make my toes curl. We’ve exchanged some witty banter via email and talked on the phone several times now. He is divorced and has a kid so he understands a lot of my life and he’s offered me some free legal advice on divorce LOL! He can hold actual real grown up conversations and still throw out the pop cultural references like a champ, which fits right in with my personality. He definitely makes me “girly squeal!”

Crazy Date Boy has “broken up” with me I think 5 times this week and told me he didn’t want to be one of 2-4 guys I was dating. I said ok, and then he promptly broke up with me again. I’ve started calling my friend at work to see his live breaking ups over chat. It’s quite hysterical at this point. Poor guy. He never knew what hit him did he? He actually had the gall to ask me why I kissed him on our date because he wouldn’t just kiss anyone unless he really, really liked them. I told him at that point I did like him and that I like kissing so why wouldn’t I have kissed him. He did not like that answer. He also has repeatedly told me “I’m not showing any effort to get to know him because I never call him.” But he never calls me either. When I say that to him, he has no response. I think hehas to be renamed Duckie Jr. And homie don’t play that!

I have a date scheduled for tomorrow night for this guy I’ve been talking with over the last 2 weeks. This is the guy I’ve talked about before - Toe Boy - that I’m pretty sure is gay though he’s in denial. I really want him to be my gay BFF though so I decided I’d go out with him and see what the deal is. We have great chat conversations and he’s fun to play with. We shall see how that pans out. That being said, if Lawyer boy called me up and invited me out, I’d drop my potentially gay BFF in a hot second.

Elsewhere in Manville, I’m still flirting/talking with the high school and college crush. Just haven’t gone there yet, though they give me great pleasure.

One night this week, I was simultaneous holding two conversations via chat and three via text. Hilarious! My life makes me laugh so hard!

Miranda

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Emotional Maturity of a Gnat

Gavin called me today and asked if he could come over this afternoon around lunchtime. I agreed and we kind of discussed things as they stand with us at this moment. It seems he can't handle anything more than a FWB situation, which in all honesty is about all I'm good for at the moment myself. Things in my own life are so upside down that I really am not sure I want to add anything more than sex to it. Things are not settled with his ex, but I don't care b/c I did decide since the last time that I saw him that I really don't want to be in a serious relationship with him. We have very little in common other than sex. You know almost all of his character flaws (so you see why I feel this way). He has the emotional maturity of a 15 yr old. I think I was initially enamored by him b/c he's the exact opposite of Russell. I have since decided that those opposite things aren't really things I want in a boyfriend...ever...other than being straight. ;) So you may be asking yourself, why am I agreeing to this?! SEX...right outside my front door that is much more accessible than Owen. Now I'm certainly NOT giving up Owen, but I couldn't see him last week because our kids were on spring break and his wife thwarted us today by being on spring break herself. A woman has needs...Gavin can meet those for now. The rest will come at a more appropriate time with someone I actually like. LOL, ok I like him enough to have sex with him. I'm just saying I don't think I could like him more than a FWB knowing all of the shit about him that I do at this point.
-Jules

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Man Up

I talked myself into telling Chloe about the divorce today at work. I even talked Russell into it as well. We were set to come home and break the news, which we both suspect she may already have some idea of. Then, we wimped out. Immediately, I started feeling horrible about having to tell her this news. While I am so happy about it, I feel like my happiness is going to flip her entire world upside down. Yes, I know that the happier we are...the better parents we will be, but damn the maternal guilt. Sometimes this really does feel like an insanely selfish plan...I'm not regretting my decision, I'm just saying.
Russell apparently had the day from hell and Chloe had an awesome day today. She got promoted another grade level in Reading groups and Russell thought this would not be the best day to tell her. He said we shouldn't ruin her success with our news. I think this was an excuse, but timing is everything and our timing wasn't on it tonight. We may do it tomorrow or we may just stick with the original plan of waiting until we move. I still hold firm that we shouldn't do it while the mother-in-law is here b/c she's of little use, bless her heart.
-Jules

Monday, March 22, 2010

Interrogations and Character Flaws

Yesterday proved to be a strange one. It started out fine, but the evening was just plain weird. (I need to consult a thesaurus for another word other than weird, but for now I’m sticking with it.)
At dinner Chloe asked us about the new house and the bedroom situation. The house that we are moving into is a 4bdrm house. We are turning 1 bdrm into a walk in closet/storage and the others will be ours respectively. We showed her the house last week and which room would be hers. We didn’t really discuss the other rooms, but I did tell her that the master bedroom would be mine when she asked if it could be hers. I say that our bedroom now is mine though, so I didn’t really put much thought into my verbiage. I guess I should have b/c the kid is onto us. She grilled us on which room would be mine and which one would be Russell’s. She wasn’t upset about it, but just very curious. She said that her mind is spinning with all the changes and the move. (Mine is too!) Russell put her off last night by saying that “We would go over all of this with her when we move.” That seemed to work for last night and she moved onto other questions. Russell suggested last night that we tell Chloe about things while his mother is here this week. I laughed out loud at him. This is the SAME mother that told him she doesn’t “support the gay thing” when he said we were separating and the SAME mother that has yet to call me and even address our separation at ALL. WTF is she going to do for Chloe??? Anyway, we’re going to have to fill her in sooner or later because I woke up this AM to the same line of questioning. She’s established the master bedroom is mine and wants to know if the bedroom off the kitchen is Daddy’s. I gave the party line that Russell did last night, but that just isn’t going to fly for long.
Last night, I had a date with a very interesting man. It didn’t end well though and I won’t be seeing him again. On the way to the date, Gavin called and invited me over for a bbq. I declined and told him I was going out. He started asking about that and I ended up lying. Again in the post, I’ll say…WTF? Why did I lie about it? He (not so casually) said if it was a female friend that we should both come up. I told him that she lives near me and we were just going to hang out at her house. TOTAL LIE. I was going to Waikiki to meet a guy on his boat. Then feeling bad about blowing him off the last 3 times he’s called, I decided maybe I should throw a day out that works for me. I asked him what he was doing tonight (Monday) and he replies “I don’t know yet…kind of playing it by ear.”. I guess he figured two can play this game. I told Damien this weekend that I’m really keeping him at arm’s length until I can figure out where things stand with this ex. I jumped in initially and didn’t think too hard about it and I’ve had my feelings hurt some. I’m far less enamored with him now than I was initially as well. It’s time to back off some and make him work for it IF he decides he wants to hang out with me. He’s very intrigued by my move though as he brought it up last night again.
So the date…I get to Waikiki and get on the boat with this guy. We sit in the harbor looking at the city lights, drinking wine, and talking. He’s a very interesting guy. He’s lived and worked in a lot of places that I love…New Orleans, the Keys, etc. We had a lot in common and a lot to talk about. Then things progressed a little and quite honestly I had fully planned on having sex with him, but when it came time for that he didn’t have any condoms. How freaking irresponsible are you to be 36 years old and NOT have condoms? He said he doesn’t like them, so he doesn’t use them. I promptly got up, got dressed, and left. Plus, I’d previewed the goods at this point and I was unimpressed. He actually texted me on the way home to ask if it was too late for me to pick some up and come back. Seriously???? Let’s go for a 3rd time…WTF???
This is an insanely long posting, I know it…I’m bored at work (again) and quite honestly last night was just so fucked up I needed to vent/blog about it. In other news, I did mention above that my mother-in-law is coming this week. She gets here Wednesday night and leaves the next Monday night, far outstaying the 72 hour rule. I hope there’s enough wine on the island to make her trip bearable, but I doubt it. There should be lots of material for here though.
-Jules

Transitions

So I have a sinking suspicion my relationship with Sawyer is winding down. Aside from the recent emotional drama, I get the feeling he’s pulling back. Obviously not being next-door neighbors has limited our “PG” contact but we’re still doing the email thing.

Just feels that our relationship has reached a different level. Maybe it’s because I’m actually interested in other guys and spending time flirting/playing/going out. Maybe my eyes are just finally open and instead of focusing on him all the time, my loyalties are definitely divided.

The weird thing is that I feel like I just finally got my feet back on the ground with him emotionally. I don’t know. I can’t quite decide how I feel if things are coming to an end either. I asked him about the taking the ring off thing and he said it just makes him feel better to be with me without that on his hand. Ok, sure, whatever you say. I also asked him if everything was “ok” between us and he said absolutely. Maybe it’s just weird that I’m thinking about/seeing other guys while I’m still involved with him.

It’s an interesting time to be me for sure!

In tall, dark handsome drink of Texas news, we continue to chat voraciously (how you like them apples?!?) each day. The big date is Thursday and I’m as nervous as a schoolgirl. This is a “real” date with a “real” man – AKA someone who is all grown up and seemingly well adjusted. Feels crazy weird! I’m nervous that we have this banging online chemistry and then we’ll meet face to face and have nothing to say. I mean we’ve chatted online for hours and hours – covered all the first, second, and third date conversations at this point. Not that I couldn’t just sit there and stare at his fine self-but still. We have only talked on the phone once at this point. I may just have to get my gumption up and call him again to break the ice so to speak and to hear that lovely deep Texas drawl. Have I mentioned how hot that is???

There’s a new guy on the horizon too. Another guy from PoF, a lawyer nonetheless. We’ve just started emailing but he’s cool and seems pretty laid back. I may try to have a drink with him after work one day soon.

Tell me, if you have experience in this whole internet-dating thing, how do you make the transition between online/real life easier? Any tips or suggestions?

Miranda

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Is That A Whiff Of Jealousy?

Miranda, my dear friend, I am sure that moving between single and mom mode is in fact very strange. I have at least 3 years before I make that transition, but I know one day it's coming my way!
Today was strange here too, but for very different reasons. I discovered today that Russell is a tad bit jealous. I knew that he was jealous of Owen. He told me that months ago. He said that the whole situation made him feel like less of a man...all the while he was fucking some other men up the ass, so whatever.
I went to town today to pick up a sofa (the aforementioned fight sofa) from CL. I told Russell that I was getting this and we were discussing delivery. The guy I bought it from is delivering it to our current house, but we haven't arranged a way to get it from here to the new house yet. I mentioned that Gavin has a giant truck and would probably be willing to help us. He immediately fired back that he was "not comfortable" with that since I'm sleeping with him. He relayed it to Chloe not meeting him, which I assured Russell would not be happening (and he knows that since it's MY rule that she doesn't meet people we are casually seeing). I told him that IF Gavin did help us, it would be around Chloe. The undercurrent of that conversation was very odd though. I really don't get him sometimes.
Tomorrow night I have a date with a new guy. He's a pilot and owns a boat. It sounds promising and the best part? He's 36! I'm waiting for his massive character flaw...call me jaded.
-Jules

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I V/S We

Today has been a weird transition day. The kids came back to stay with me and it’s just been odd reacquainting myself with motherhood. It’s like these few past days of singledom have altered my patterns and I’m struggling to remember what it’s like to be all consumed by children.

The first week of freedom was so overwhelmed with emotions and taking care of final details for the apartment, I don’t think I realized what an adjustment I was making. Becoming “single” Miranda has been weird. For 10 years, I’ve been the career woman/suzy homemaker, lol, well at least as much as I could be. After my daily rhythm of get up, get the kids ready, go to work, work, come home, cook dinner, get the kids to bed, this new single life is quite different.

I don’t have to cook if I don’t want to. When I do cook, I can eat whatever the freak I want. I don’t have to clean up nearly as much, dirty dishes can pile up in the sink/dishwasher for days before I have to do anything about them. Get up when I want, go to bed when I want. Come home when I want, go where I want. It’s a very “I” kind of existence. After years and years of being “we,” it’s weird; what can I say?

So today, the kids are back in full force and it’s caught me by surprise shifting from that new “I” back to some version of the old “we.” The mom wheels feel a little rusty so to speak. I imagine as we go along, this shift between I and We will start feeling a little more routine.

Crazy Date Boy hasn’t given up on me yet. Still texting and chatting me up. He complained via chat today that we haven’t actually “spoken” since our date. Whatever! If he wasn’t such a pussy he wouldn’t have had his baby temper tantrum early in the week and maybe I would have been willing to speak with him. Loser, reminded me a lot of Duckie when we were first dating! AGHGGHGHGHGGH!

I got my hair cut yesterday and my hair dresser is in the midst of a divorce as well. Sounds like very similar circumstances and we had a good little vent/bitch session lol. She did give me a good tip. I have been worrying that if Duckie caught wind of my growing social life, he'd go nuts and try to change the terms of our separation agreement yet again. However, she said her lawyer told her that here in NC, as of last october, once the papers are signed and filed, doesn't matter what you do or say. Your partner has no grounds for changing the terms. That's a relief!

Crazy times for sure. It’s amazing how quickly and how entirely my life has changed. I wonder if one day I’m going to wake up with a massive “change” hangover.

Miranda

I'm Old Enough to Know Better

Old dogs DO NOT learn new tricks. I'm almost 34 years old...I know this...so why in the hell do I keep taking Gavin's calls?? He called me again today (really surprised by this given my attitude toward him yesterday). I was at work, so I couldn't really talk. He asked if I'm interested in hanging out with him still and I said "Hmm...I think maybe". Well what kind of crazy ass answer is that?? If a guy said that to me, I'd be all like "WTF ever...". He seemed to enjoy that response. I see some potential in him, but again...old dog, new tricks. Now I think I may be blinded by the fact that sex could be RIGHT out of my front door...literally. If only it didn't come with all the baggage and bullshit...I know I should RUN the other way.
-Jules
PS I am totally having to blow off Monday night date guy. I put him off on Wednesday because I just wasn't feeling it. Tonight I blew him off and said we might have friends coming over for dinner...total lie. I just didn't want to put the effort into getting ready and then have another boring time. I mean even his texts are dull...he's 26...NO more men under 30.

Friday, March 19, 2010

One More Thing About Texas

He's a physical therapist - think good hands - and, wait for it.....he's a licensed massage therapist!

I just may marry this man! LOL!

Miranda

Boy Crazy

Boys are so much fun. Before I forget again, I meant to mention that I realized that Sawyer took off him wedding band the other day before he came to see me. I called him out on it and he just gave me this sheepish grin. Too funny. It feels good to have my feelings for him firmly back in control, well for this week anyways haha!

So I really feel like I’ve hit the ground running boy wise. I swear some days it’s hard to get much done for all the chatting, talking, and texting I’m doing lol! Crazy Date Boy is still slinking around like a beaten puppy, trying to talk to me via chat and the occasional text. I’m being nice but I sure hope he isn’t holding his breath!

Toe Boy/potential gay best friend is still hitting me up. He’s fun but I’m not ever going to go there. Kane’s out of town so not much new there. But for Texas, the lovely Texas of the hilarious deer story. We have new developments.

So we’ve been chatting like crazy via the web, mostly late into the night. And he’s legit yall. Like total we’ve probably spent 10 hours chatting this week and he’s not made one inappropriate remark, asked for a dirty pic or any pic really other than what’s on my profile, or even tiptoed into any grey area. I’ve been so impressed with him. He remembers all sorts of details about things I’ve said, asks great questions about my work and he seems to really listen to everything. Last night he finally popped the question – no not that question lol – he asked me if I’d like to meet him in real life. I totally agreed and we’re going to have a very appropriate lunch date next Thursday.

He lives about 1.5 hours away and he’s coming all the way here to see me. I feel special. He’s really cute and I am definitely feeling smitten. We finally exchanged numbers last night too and we talked briefly on the phone today. Let me tell you what I was quite delighted to talk to him. I knew he was originally from Texas and he told me that some people say he has quite a Texas drawl, but he didn’t really think so. As soon as I heard his voice, I had the laugh. The man had the deepest voice and the thickest Texas drawl. So cute, so freaking hot! He is quite a delight and I’m even more excited to meet him next week now. I am a smitten kitten! HAHA! He’s definitely dating material for sure.

Otherwise, I’m still chatting it up with my two crushes from the past but not sure when I’m going to see either one in real life. The high school may be tonight but we shall see.

Plus on top of all the fun man news, I get my kids tomorrow for 5 days! Can’t wait! I think having this time apart from them makes me appreciate them even more and I can’t wait to see those crazy kids!

Miranda

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Who Holds The Cards Now?

I went to work out with Damien again today. He's really kicking my ass...hard core, but it's good. I'm just super sore. I have noticed that it's like totally boosted my self esteem though (even after 2 days of it and despite the fact that I'm puttering around like I'm 80 b/c any greater movement causes me to almost pass out from the pain). I think that comes from his praise of my efforts and ability. He keeps telling me that I'm way more athletic than I give myself credit for. Now if you know me, I'm sure you are doubled over in hysterics. Anyway, it's all working for me right now.
Gavin called me today while I was over there. I think he has some weird 6th sense about when I'm with Damien. He calls me a lot during that time and really I don't spend that much time with him. Anyway, we chatted for a while and he starts telling me some shit about his ex. I bluntly told him (again) that I don't know what to say when he brings that stuff up. Nothing I say is going to be the right thing...so I was implying that he should quit it. I'm sure that implication was lost on him. He asked me what I was doing today and I told him I was headed over to Haleiwa to sign the lease on the place behind him. He said that should make things interesting. I laughed and agreed, but told him that it will be a very long time before we have sex again since everytime I have sex with him, he goes MIA. He said he just has a lot to figure out with this ex stuff. I told him that he should act like a grown up and communicate that then...you know NOT a week later. I didn't cave, I stood my ground, I was borderline bitchy (but mostly just firm), and I sounded very confident when I was talking to him...score 1 for me. I'm not sure he'll call again, but honestly I told Miranda earlier that I don't know that I want him to at this point.
Russell and I did sign the lease today. I went to Target afterwards and bought a few things for the new house. I found a patio set and he didn't freak about the money...so we're headed toward better than yesterday. I have no idea what got into him yesterday, but I hope it has passed.
-Jules

Power Struggles

Since I told Russell that I want a divorce, he's decided to start asserting himself. I'm proud of him on some levels, because he hasn't done this in over a decade BUT on other levels it's annoying the piss out of me. For example, he often disagrees with me just for the sake of disagreeing and then comes around to agree with me after several hours of trying to stand his ground. This happens a lot! I have a 6 yr old daughter...do I really need someone else living with me that does the exact same thing to me ALL the time?! OMG, pass the wine.
Last week it was over which house to rent. He wanted a smaller, cheaper house that was just impractical based on the fact that 3 people will be living in this place. Obviously, I won this one almost immediately when I pointed out that he was just disagreeing with what I wanted simply for the sake of it, to which he admitted was correct.
Today's argument (that of course resulted in my way) was about furniture for the new place. He thinks we need to just buy some sleeping bags (ok futons) and live within our means. Ok, I exaggerate slightly. Ummmm, hello...MF you make an assload of money and I'm buying some GD grown up furniture. He actually said the following to me "This is temporary and I don't know what kind of place or who I'm going to live with in the future and I don't want to buy a lot of furniture that I can't use later." If I could have reached through that phone...
I replied with "Well maybe you could leave Chloe and I some furniture...you know, if it doesn't fit into your new life." Rest assured that the immense sarcasm that dripped from my fingers was in fact conveyed in that message. Seriously I just wanted to leave work, find him, and beat his ass. I reminded him that temporary is now actually 3 years. We worked it out and apparently I have "permission" to go look at a fucking used couch on CL. God grant me the strength...I did lay down the law that I'm spending $X to decorate the new place. These are essentials and I will NOT justify every penny I spend...which is kind of ballsy of me since I'm not making the money, but that's just how I roll. ;) Deep breath...Big Sips!
-Jules

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

I Got Played and I Liked It

I got played I admit it. Sawyer suckered me right in but I knew I was getting played so does that really count? I think not and this is my post so I rule! LOL!

Seriously though, Sawyer squirmed his way over here after my date got rescheduled with Kane. He had something to prove and he did let me tell you what. I may have to keep him jealous for a while. I feel like I have my feet back on the ground with him emotionally which is good. I think all the other boy attention just has my head spinning and makes me remember that there’s a whole wide world out there. But I’m still a puss of enough to admit that if he busted out with the fact that he was leaving his wife, I’d totally date him. Whatever! I can admit that in the relative anonymity of this blog!

Quick man update – Crazy Date Boy came back licking my feet today. I am shunning him in large part but the teeny soft part of me was nice enough to give him a few minutes of chat this afternoon. Texas is still making me laugh and being so sweet and earnest. I definitely might be too hard and crusty for him but I’m very intrigued. He’s all sweet and intellectual and was a MARINE for 10 years. Weird mix. Toe Boy, we’ve spent the day chatting and he’s hilarious. But he’s totally gay! Whether or not he admits it! He told me he’s bi-curious which is just another word for gay but not ready to admit it. He could be my new gay best friend though!

Plenty of Fish is a hilarious website. You must check it out. People are so random and say and do the weirdest things. I’ve got a friend from work hooked on it. I just look at that site and laugh and laugh and laugh. What I want to know is why is 80% of the site old, fat, extremely unattractive, or looks like total porn stars. The other 20% have potential. I checked out the girl side today. About the same ratio! Ha!

Shocker news of the day – had a stupid email exchange today with Duckie. I really need to learn to avoid all contact with him that I can. I did think today to call the insurance company and ask that they keep all my files/records sealed both in print and online so he can’t see any doctor visits I make. No real reason just realized that he could see all my medical activities and thought that was one more area I should shut him out of my life. LOL little divorce tip for all you ladies and gents out there. I so don’t understand why one day we can have a totally normal conversation and the next he’s being a puss. Whatever! Sawyer told me he’s been like that around the house and he’s been playing the stupid drum set he (re: I) bought all hours of the night. LOL!

Two things have caught me off guard today. 1 – And I’m sure you’ve noticed this one is that I am so freaking happy right now. Even with dealing with the sadness of not seeing my kids every day, I’m still a million times happier than I can remember being in a long long long time. Longer than I ever realized. Reading back over some of my posts these last two months, it’s quite a difference.

2 – It’s shocking how little I think about Duckie at all now. Where the pervious 4-5 months and hell 12 years he was part of my daily life, I can go a whole day and not “consciously” think of him. Very interesting! It’s totally like I’ve closed that door and thrown away the key.

Re: trouble with comment postings: I don’t see to have any troubles sorry if any of you are. But I want you to post a quick note and tell us who (keep it anonymous if you’d like) you are and your basic situation. This blog has exploded and I want to know who’s’ following our story!

Miranda

Love The One You're With

I heard this song on the way to work twice today on 2 different radio stations. When I was about 16 or 17, I distinctly remember walking into the kitchen and my mother telling me that this song should be my theme song. She never was a big fan of my promiscuity. I think she meant it as an insult, but I took it by the horns and IT has been my theme song every since, much to her dismay.
We rented the house today behind Gavin. I wonder how that will all play out. Stay tuned for what is sure to be some interesting material.
-Jules

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Want to See me Juggle?

So very little contact with Sawyer today. He works in a “plant” so some days we can’t do the whole email thing. Though he did send me an email this afternoon saying too bad I had a date for Wednesday night because he was planning to come by.

Dude! I totally know he’s playing the “will she cancel her plans for me” game. The pathetic thing is that I want too. Must be strong! Must fight the kitty! Haha!

I’m supposed to see Kane tomorrow night but I may have to bypass him for Sawyer. I’ll feel bad but I think Kane is just looking for a little fun so I don’t think he’ll be devastated if I delay our meeting.

Crazy Date Boy, I had to dump him today. He was just over the top and too intense. A lack of confidence is so unattractive. There is such a thing as being too available you know and he was practically moved in and living with me. Sheesh! Now he’s sending me emails, texts, and IMs like he’s a wounded puppy. Reminds me of a certain young man named Duckie….

Speaking of Duckie, we did the kid hand off on Sunday and it felt relatively good. No big drama, no temper tantrum. We actually had a good conversation. The house still looks like crap but whatever; I don’t have to live there. It is very weird to go back in though and realize that it’s not my house anymore. Very weird indeed. Then yesterday we had to meet up to sign some papers and all seemed good and fine. And today we had to meet up to sign some more papers (all for selling the house) and he was all hangdog and mopey. Whatever! Awful to say but so glad that’s not my problem anymore!

Texas, my latest PoF guy is tickling my fancy. He seems legit. Extremely nice, we spent about 4 or so hours talking via chat yesterday (until 1:45 in the morning and did I pay for that today!!!) and much more today – homeboy hasn’t crossed the line one time and said anything inappropriate or dirty. LOL He seems too good to be true. Something must be lurking beneath the surface. I’m afraid he may be a little too earnest and clean cut for me. Last night one of his questions was “what is your most vivid childhood memory?” I told him about a time I got lost as a kid. This was his story. I should add he has a very peculiar cadence to the way he types. The … represent little pauses between his chatting.

“When I was 5 or 6….I was outside in my yard with my sister and brother….a tiny deer walked out of the woods…. My dog started barking but the deer didn’t flinch. Then another deer came out of the woods…They weren’t afraid at all…..The tiny deer ran over to the bigger one and they walked off in the forest together…It was so beautiful…. I knew at that moment I could never be a hunter…”

I know you are dying laughing. I was! Just a weird thing to share/tell. Still he’s a great conversationalist and I’m not giving up on the last man on earth who actually read books. Did I mention that he’s smoking hot? Haha!

Some other guy chatted me up today too via that site. Asked for a pic of my toes. Guess he has a fetish. Hilarious! If nothing else I spent the day laughing out loud!

Miranda

Breakers

Last night I had my date with the Plenty of Fish guy. He's 26, military, been married before, and is a red head...none of which is really my type. I had enjoyed texting with him yesterday at work, so I felt pretty good about meeting him though. The 1st bar we went to was super packed, so we left and went to Breakers. We had a nice time talking, but honestly there wasn't much chemistry there. It was a pretty boring date, yet I think I agreed to go out with him again tomorrow night. Now, the bartender at Breakers last night was SMOKING HOT. He will be mine. ;)
I started working out today with Damien. OMG he pushed me SO hard...I feel old and broken. He's convinced me though that while I've lost a lot of weight, I must tone it up...admittedly there are still jiggly parts that need it. We did a lot of weight training and then I went for a power walk on the beach. Who thought I'd ever be doing this?!
While we were working out, I missed a call about the new house. So, now I'm still waiting to hear on that piece of news. Will I end up living behind Gavin and if so, will I actually be able to resist his cute self when he comes over to borrow a cup of sugar?
-Jules

Monday, March 15, 2010

Man Friend Update

So after parrying back and forth all day with Sawyer I’m no closer to a conclusion about our situation. Whatever. We agreed to not keep any “secrets” from each other but no way am I going into detail about my social activities with him. Whatever. I’m peeved!

I think he’s just trying to keep me at arms length. He better be careful or I’m just going to walk away and he’ll be stuck with his bitchy little wife and his “unhappy” life all alone. Yeah I know. Big talk for someone who will run back towards him next time he calls.

In other news, I had to tell Crazy Date Boy to chill the freak out. He’s been all over me today with text and chat. I told him basically, and very nicely, to grow a pair and realize that I’m not some little single chick ready to make some guy I just met the center of my whole world. I have complications. I have kids, a job, and a life. A new guy comes way way down on my list these days. Much less a new guy who’s a midget. Haha.

I am meeting up with Kane on Wednesday. A little nervous about that but we have banging chemistry via chat and text anyways.

I also met an awesome guy - Texas. He seems rocking and he’s hot. He actually reads people. Real books! Like classics and all. And he has a library card he frequently uses! We had an amazing way too long chat session and he seems like he’s golden. He’s seriously datable material.

Like Jules said, we were discussing how women are supposed to hit their sexual peak in their 30s and I’d believe it. I must be putting off some serious pheromones or something cause it feels like I’ve been invisible for years and suddenly I’m standing in the spotlight guy wise. Not a bad feeling to have my friends. Anybody out there got a guy they want to set me up with? I surely can squeeze them in somewhere in my busy schedule LOL!

Miranda

Jesus, Addiction, and the System

I’ve stepped off the roller coaster ride that is Gavin. I’m proud of myself, don’ t know how long it will last…especially if we move in behind him…but today I remain off it. Since I quit seeing Owen for all of what 12 hours, I’m not feeling so strong in my resolve on this one but I’m taking the addict’s approach…one day at a time. Someone told me one time that I’m a sex addict. I suppose there are FAR worse things that I could be addicted to given my family history, so if its sex and I’m protected than I’m good. Miranda and I were just discussing how much better sex is in our 30s. I swear what “they” say about women hitting our peak now is very true. I mean I’ve always LOVED it, hence the aforementioned sentences, but it’s just so much more intense now.
I have a date tonight with a guy I met on Plenty of Fish. We are meeting for drinks. He was raised in Texas as a Pentecostal. The Texans love themselves some Jesus, but he said he hasn’t been in church since he left…so here’s hoping he doesn’t bust out some religion on my ass. I’m wearing pants to our date and mentioning about my next hair cut appt. just to test the waters. He’s also a Republican and not a fan of our current President. I don’t know that we’re a match made on the internet, but I’m willing to have drinks with him. Here in Hawaii it seems the eligible guys are military or damn near homeless surfers…not exactly ideal dating material, but good for instant gratification. Gavin fell under the latter category. I didn’t previously post this, but I will now for humor’s sake. Last Thursday, I went with him to the Child Support office. (I can feel your eyes rolling…mine would be if someone told me this!) He was “getting out of paying child support” from his ex since he puts so much money into the kid’s dirt bike habit. He was super happy about this since the state has taken his driver’s license for NOT paying child support previously and now that he’s “out of paying it”, he can go get his license back. I actually went and sat in that office with him while he filed the paperwork…seriously. If the restraining orders and psychotic exes weren’t my signs, this certainly should have been! While we were in the office, he showed me all the paperwork with his current financial information on it…let’s just say he’s a day away from a tent.
-Jules

OMG Smack Him and Me Please!

Quick Sawyer update. After waiting to hear back about my “throwing down the gauntlet” email, I got up this morning to find this email in my in box.

Sawyer: “How was your date?”

Now, I’m glad it was irking him that I went out but come on! No response to my other email.

Me: “It was fine. Do you have nothing to say about that other email I sent?” Then I forwarded that freaking email again with a little note “In case you ‘cant’ find the email.”

Sawyer: “I read it.” I mean really! Homeboy is about to get a boot in his ass.

Me: “And….”

Sawyer: “I understand where you are coming from, but, I can’t do that. Not right now anyway.”

Me: “I don’t think you understand what I was saying in that email.”

Sawyer: “I understand what you were saying in the email… and its fine if you tell me how you feel, I am just keeping mine inside for a while. And I’m not mad you went out.”

AGGGGHHHHHHHHH! Boys never get it do they? Back to playing the game…

Miranda

PS - Crazy Date Boy is still blowing up my email. And I have a date with smoking hot Kane penciled in for Wednesday night. So there...

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Heel Boy Heel!

Just a quick update. Crazy Date Boy is hot for me and more than a little over the top. I think he's texted me 5-6 times and called me twice today. Sheesh! Bless him. He's just really sweet but I'm like hello, I've been single for one week dude, I'm not ready to be your giant girlfriend yet (remember he's a shorty).

I even told him the full story yesterday including details about my relationship with Sawyer. Just wanted to see if it was a dealbreaker with him. Clearly it's not. Very interesting...

He wants to go ahead and plan a date for next Friday. I've given him the whole "maybe but I may already have plans. just waiting for confirmation on those plans" excuse. I would like to go out with him again but he needs a big old dose of reality.

I did tell him via text that my life is complicated right now and I'm not rushing into things. He needs to know a little confidence goes a long way. Of course who am I to bitch about a little attention. I can hardly get Sawyer to email me back! Haha! Seriously, I'm sure he'll respond to the email finally tomorrow. I can't wait to see if/what he wants to know about my date.

Reader poll. Should I tell him the truth or let him think I'm really digging someone else?

Miranda

Technical Difficulties

Have you guys noticed how hard it is to comment on here?? I just do comments under anonymous and I have to try to comment like 3 times before it goes through...maybe it's a user error, but a married friend of ours commented on it too. She thought it was because she's married, we had blocked her...lmao. We did not. If you have the patience you can all comment, but if you know a way to remedy this please share it!
No other news to report...it's been a quiet weekend. I needed a quiet weekend to find some perspective. I'm feeling good about how life has been flowing these last few days and while I really like Gavin, these days of quiet have sort of reaffirmed my belief that he's not the one for me right now. When it's on, it's just too intense. I'm happy, but not in a healthy way that I should be if that makes any sense at all and when it's not, I'm sad. I don't need that right now, seriously. There is just no balance with him...hot or cold (literally).
-Jules

It's Raining Men

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, something crazy is going on. Not only do I have people trying to fix me up left and right, but I swear everywhere I go there are hot guys and guys trying to chat me up! Just last night I was talking on the phone with one guy, emailing with another, and simultaneously holding 3 different chat conversations. All legit too! Ridiculous!

I still have not heard back from Sawyer in regards to my “laying down the law” email. I did see him today, it was Leo’s birthday party and Sawyer brought his kids and wife – eek! Ha, seriously, I sidled up to him and asked if he was ignoring me. After giving me one of his hot trademark winks, he said quite eloquently, “Huh?” Apparently he’s been in training the last two days at work and couldn’t get on his work email. Doesn’t exactly explain why he didn’t check his personal email but whatever. I believe he hasn’t read the email, he’s smooth but I don’t think he could play that off exactly.

So the party was fine all in all. Entertaining as usual as Sawyer’s kids are climbing all over me and telling me how much they miss me. Wife was as friendly as she always is (if you’re new to the story – she really likes me). We behaved completely for the most part. I did hit him with a zinger, I told him I had a date tonight, which I did. Should have seen the look on his face. Eyes bulged out, jaw dropped. He stumbled over himself asking who, what, when… I simply told him it was with a guy who I knew and left it at that. He so didn’t like the idea. I kind of ate it up I must admit. We’ll see how fast he ran home and read his email or how fast he’s over here tomorrow to discuss the date.

In other men news, I’ve rekindled a friendship with two different guys who I had crushes on during my earlier years. One is a smoking hot guy I’ve known since I was a kid - High School Crush. We’ve been chatting it up big time via text and Facebook. The other is a guy I had a major crush on in college - aka College Crush. We’ve been chatting via Facebook for a while. I like him a lot but I am afraid he’s a heifer. Ha ha. I say that because he doesn’t have a profile pic on Facebook. That’s always a cause for concern. But he’s really nice and I really enjoy talking to him.

In random Craig’s List news, I pretty much told all the guys I was playing with through email that I wasn’t up for hooking up. Just not sure that I want to be involved with ANYONE who is married these days. I mean its one thing to have the relationship I have/had with Sawyer, it’s a whole nother thing to bring that into someone else’s home. That being said, the one guy from Craig’s List who was not in a relationship randomly emailed me yesterday afternoon. Kane wanted real conservation – not just dirty chat haha. We planned to hook up via instant messenger and spent 3 hours last night talking. Real conversation folks! Legit! Questions and answers, the whole thing. The chemistry via chat was smoking and we exchanged pics. He’s a cutie. Right now Kane knows I’m not rushing to meet in person so I think we’re just going to keep the email/chat thing going on but he may be legit enough to meet somewhere for drinks.

On to my date. Thanks to the Plenty of Fish website, I’ve made some new email buddies that way. This one guy, Crazy Date Boy, hit me up via chat yesterday and we had some good talk. He bravely asked me out for tonight and after agonizing and freaking out for a while, I agreed. He seemed really nice and normal which is saying a lot these days. We chatted yesterday quite a bit and did a little texting. Then he called last night and sent some text early today. See a pattern yet? I think this dude’s looking for a real girlfriend which I am so not ready for at this point. I met him for dinner tonight at an upscale sports bar in a nearby town, not stupid enough to date in the same town Duckie lives in haha. I got there and saw this random freaky dude outside and totally knew it was him. Much to my surprise and enjoyment, it wasn’t. He was exactly like he described himself and looked just like his picture. We spent three hours hanging out and eating and had a really great time. I was much impressed for a first date. There was even some hot chemistry going on with lots of great eye contact. Now according to the website he said he was 5’8, let me tell you what, homebody padded that number. He’s just barely my height, maybe even a wee bit shorter. I know it’s superficial but for all his positives, I just can’t see myself dating a midget long term.

I did have a lot of fun with Crazy Date Boy and he is really nice and funny. We walked out to our cars and I invited him to sit in mine for a few so we could say goodbye. It was raining so standing outside, hell standing period, was not an option. What if I had to bend down to kiss him????? Just couldn’t risk that. We chatted for a few more minutes in the car and then I decided to let me kiss him. We had a few good minutes like that and though he wanted more, I just wasn’t going to go there with him. He’s already texted me once and called me twice. This is what I see happening. I let him know that though I like him, I’m not ready for anything serious and I want to enjoy the single life some. He falls for me, sounds conceited I know but that is what I think will happen, and eventually gets his heart broken cause he’s going to want me to be his girl and I’m not ready for that.

Plus, if I’m honest, he’s just not Sawyer. I know, I know, I hear you groaning right now. It’s just hard to compare anyone to Sawyer. Though he is being a puss lately, he’s still a smoking hot man and we do have a connection that is deeper than just the blazing sex. Its stupid I know. It's just hard to keep it in check sometimes. And the date felt stupidly like cheating on Sawyer. Stupid stupid stupid. To be fair, I was totally upfront with Crazy Date Boy. Trying to keep the lying to a minimum these days. I guess I just have to wait and see what the future holds. That being said, it is my full intention to date and date frequently, hopefully multiple people. Jules is the man juggler and I’m fast becoming her understudy.

On the Duckie front, I’ll try to do a more specific update on him later but basically he’s an ass, then he’s an ass again, then one more time he’s an ass… I did have dinner with him and it was awkward and stupid. The old house looks like shit and clearly is missing a women’s touch. And though I am having fun and enjoying the ‘single” life immensely, I miss my kids so much it’s hard to breathe.

Keeping my balls in the air until next time…. Miranda

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Dating Is Strange and Weird Sometimes

What to freaking do with men? I went out with Mr. Friday Night Date guy again last night. I don't think I ever assigned a name to him and I'm definitely not now. He's a nice guy, don't get me wrong...but he's about as exciting as watching paint dry. Last night, I honestly wished I'd just stayed home. I got my acceptance letter to UH last night for my MSW and Russell was so sweet. He chilled a really nice bottle of wine and made a great dinner to celebrate. He and his friend, Brian, were hanging out here watching a movie and drinking a new drink they made up...would have been more fun. What does it say that I'd rather hang with Russell than go out with some of these guys? LOL...no, I'm so NOT still in love with him, but I do immensely enjoy his company (at times). Now if it had been Gavin, I'd have way more enjoyed going out. I wish I didn't like him so much. Here's the latest Gavin update. Thursday we had an awesome day, but I haven't heard from him since then. WTF? He has his son this weekend and they were going to do a bunch of stuff and may actually be going to CA for the week next week while the kids are on spring break BUT what he can't pick up the phone for 5 nano seconds? My Daddy always said "If you play hard to get, they may play who-the-hell- wants-you."...wondering if that's what's going on or if the poor man is just busy playing with his kid and his lack of contact actually doesn't have anything to do with me. I suppose that's possible. ;)
-Jules

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Ok, Now I Need To Pose The Question

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? LOL...ok yesterday was a crazy emotional day. I was super pissed at Gavin and super freaked out about my period. I started my period as you poor readers are all well aware. Then about 5:30, Gavin called. I was watching TV with Russell and just let it go to voice mail. He called back about 45 minutes later and I did the same thing. Finally, I caved and called him. It seems he had spent the day with Damien and Damien talked some sense into him. He and Gavin's roommate both hammered into Gavin what a whackjob this ex is and that I'm seemingly normal (haha...fooled them!). So, I went over there last night and hung out. We got pissy drunk together and had some fun...woke up sideways in the bed on top of each other at 4am when my alarm went off. (I have to get up at 4am on the nights I spend the night over there so that I can get home before Russell leaves for work and/or Chloe wakes up.) I really hope we move into that house behind his because it will make all of this SO much easier if we stay hooking up.
I came home and was sitting here at 8am nursing a bitch of hangover when he called me again to ask if I wanted to come hang out with him today. Of course, I said yes. I went over, hung at his house for a while, ran some errands with him, and he took me out for a great lunch which was followed by some more fun sex. I told him over lunch that I'm not asking for any type of big commitment from him and that I'm enjoying this right now. I also alluded to the fact that I'm seeing other people and told him that I'm not willing to cut the others loose until I know that this is going somewhere. He laughed and said I sound just like him except he's not seeing anyone else right now. He said as long as he takes priority, he's cool with it. As I was leaving today, I told him to have a great weekend...he got kind of pouty and asked if we could hang out one night this weekend. I said probably...call me. I think I need to string him along a little bit...let him see that I'm not just so wrapped up in him and that I have options. Now that being said, I really do like this guy...more than I care to admit BUT I have only known him for a week (albeit an intense week) and he does have a shitload of baggage.
-Jules

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

My name is Miranda, and I'm an Emotional Cutter

So today has been both great and totally annoying. I’m still flying high on a freedom trip. Hot guys everywhere I go. It’s like the veil has been lifted and I see the possibilities all around the world.

On to the great/annoying stuff. I had an unexpected chance to see Sawyer today, first time at the new place. Always lots of fun and it was nice to actually be able to relax and hang out for a change instead of listening for a car door, waiting for a phone call, or just generally being on edge about getting caught. We spent a couple great hours together and then this conversation took place.

Let me first and foremost say I’m an emotional cutter folks. I admit it. I love to pick at emotional things even when they end up hurting me in the end. PLEASE NOTE I AM REFERRING ONLY TO CUTTING EMOTIONS - NOT MYSELF. (had a very concerned text from Jules asking about that haha)So after all was said and done, I asked Sawyer if he was ever going to tell me he liked me again. (See my blog from a couple of weeks back if you haven’t read that one where he told ME he was falling for me) He basically said no that it wasn’t fair to me or him to take our relationship to the “next level.” That he had to protect us both and saying those things would make him feel like he had to leave, that it would be “too bad” of a thing to say those things and still be married to his wife. Oookkkkaaayyy.

I reiterated again that I knew where things stand I can respect/deal with his decision to not leave her now. Now let’s put it in context. Moments before this conversation he asked me if I had big plans to go out for my first “single” weekend. I said not really and he said you should go out, flirt, and have some fun. I called him on his BS and said you don’t want me talking to other guys. He said flirting is ok; you should have fun, see what’s out there. I asked so you are ok with me hooking up with other guys? He said well I didn’t say kissing or hooking up, just flirting. So I can flirt with guys but be “faithful” to him and yet he won’t tell me he likes me? Huh?

He said if he “lets” himself start saying how he feels, it makes him feel even guiltier about the whole affair. Like its bad enough that he’s having an affair but if he expresses himself (again) that makes it worse. Plus he said he’s heard too many stories of guys who have affairs, talk about feelings (which he’s been doing all along people!) and then the girl goes crazy and starts stalking him. Whatever!

He knew I was kind of pissed in the end. I sent him an email that basically said I wanted to clear the air and said this “…I understand your reasons for not telling me that you like me or saying anything in that realm. I think it's crazy but I do respect your choice. However, I need to know that you like me, that I'm more than just a girl you screw every week or so. I'm not asking for any commitment or profession of undying love or anything, but I would like to hear every once in a while that you are digging me. Can you handle that?

I feel like I've told you a million times that I'm not banking on you changing your life or waiting around for "one day." I just want to spend what time I can with you and continue with what we have. Also, just because you don't/can't say how you are feeling, I don't want to feel like I can't say how I'm feeling. Again, not that I'm going to be writing you love poems or making you mix tapes or something, but still if the mood hits, I want to be able to say I like you without worrying you are going to clam up/freak out/start checking to see if I'm boiling bunnies in your kitchen. You get what I'm saying?

Honestly, I was upset a little when you left. It stung to hear that I would never again hear you say how you felt about me. But I can deal with it. I think I know how you feel even if you refuse to entertain me by saying it. And I think eventually I'll break ya and you'll say something anyways.”

Thoughts? Suggestions? What to do now?

In other news, Duckie is a dick – no surprise there! Apparently over the weekend he traipsed over to his parents’ house and brought home the BB gun I refused to have in the house and Leo has already gotten to hold it. Joy! And Duckie has promised Leo he can shoot it sometime soon. On and I’m an awful disrespectful person because I had the “audacity” to ask Duckie if he wanted me to send the million checked pieces of schoolwork that come home each day over to his house. How dare I think that he wouldn’t want to see every single piece of paper that comes home – now if you have school age kids, you’ll realize the ridiculousness of that statement. And one more little Duckie gem, I should read my bible more often and I should force Ladybug to have a bible story read to her before bedtime each day. WHATEVER!

Miranda

One Potential Disaster Down

Well one of the areas of my current crappy situation improved today…I started!! I’ve never thought that I would 1. Blog about my period before and 2. Be so freaking relieved to be bleeding. Why it was 32.5 hours late I don’t know…but thankfully it’s here. I realized today I seriously was praying for it to start. This is funny b/c I don’t know who I was praying to being an atheist and all…but the universe heard me. I literally did a happy dance in our work bathroom. I hope no one was outside the door. ;)
-Jules

Train Wreck

This is pretty much how I feel about my life lately. I feel like everything is just so damn chaotic and up in the air and just fucked up. Right now I'm at work PRAYING for my period to start. I'm a day late. This may not seem like a big deal to the rest of the world, but you can set a clock by my cycle. The last time I was late, Chloe showed up BUT I was off the pill then. I take the pill religiously. I never skip days, I take it at the same time every day...and it's NEVER failed me in almost 20 years of having sex. I'm hoping it's just the current stress of my life that's causing this, though I've been through some pretty stressful stuff in my life before this and it's never mattered, but I guess I do have a lot going on right now. This is a particularly horrible feeling. I mean if I am pregnant, obviously I would have an abortion, but I'd just rather not. I can't help but think this is karma biting me in the ass either way it goes, even if it's just a scare.
In other chaotic mess, I am in the process of trying to move into a 3 bedroom house with Russell. Chloe keeps asking why we're in such a hurry to move. I think she knows something's up. The house we found is right behind Gavin's house...which is just whatever. I mean I'm grown...I can live behind the guy I had a weeklong fling with and by the time we move it will be mid-April. Who knows what all is going to happen between now and then?? I'm still waiting to hear if I got accepted into the Masters program that I've applied for. I'm still seeing Owen, which is good but I do still feel a little guilty about it knowing that he's trying to work out his marriage stuff too. Then last night, this guy I met in January contacts me out of the blue on Facebook. He was in the Army and I met him the month before he was getting out and moving back to Texas. It was a super hot, intense month and honestly I think helped facilitate my need to get away from Russell. He made me realize how underappreciated I was at home. He hates it in Tx and wants to come back here now. It was an interesting email exchange. He told me about all the recent soul searching that he's been doing and it gave me pause. I think I need to stop and do a little of that. I can't possibly jump into something (like the Gavin thing) right now until I figure out all of my other shit. I'm feel like I am one dead rabbit away from a talk show. It's time to step back and take a deep breath.
-Jules

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty I'm free at last (sort of)!

It’s official. We signed our final legal separation papers today. No more changing the agreement. No more backing me up against a wall. No more Ms. Nice Guy for me if I don’t want to. Thank heavens!

Feeling like Duckie had everything hanging over my head has sucked and made me feel entirely helpless – a state I do NOT enjoy. We actually rode over to the attorney’s office today together. Kind of weird thing to do but whatever. He suggested it. When we left the office, the attorney said “nice seeing you both again.” Not sure that was quite appropriate for the situation but it made me laugh.

Tomorrow is the first change over day with the kids. I’m more than a little anxious about that. It is going to feel weird to be away from them for more than a couple of nights but I guess I better get used to it. This anxiety and worry probably led me to do the next crazy thing I’m going to tell you.

Following Jules’ advice, I put a very brief and actually somewhat boring listing on Craig’s List and the response is ridiculous. Of course lots of losers but a few interesting people, at least to chat with via email. What’s most shocking is that almost completely, ever single one of them is married or in a relationship. Doesn’t anyone stay faithful these days?

Don’t know that I’d ever meet any of them in person and I sure am not giving out any identifying details but it is an interesting experiment. At least it’s keeping my in box full.

It's hard to think that anyone could measure up to Sawyer but who knows...
Miranda

What's Up with Men??

After seeing Gavin while Russell and I were looking at a house, I've been sort of stewing. I finally broke down and called him simply because the not knowing wtf was driving me nuts. He immediately knew why I was calling and apologized for not calling me. He said that since we had sex his ex has been calling non-stop and he just doesn't know what he wants to do. I told him I wished he'd figured that out BEFORE we had sex and that was part of the reason why I had made him wait (not entirely true...but whatever). He said the sex was great and he doesn't like to sleep around, but he apparently can't decide if he wants to be single and see me or go back to this woman. I told him it sounded like he needs to figure his shit out and call me when he decides. I wasn't all nice about it either...I was very firm and almost bitchy. I told him I thought he was being rude and disrepectful and that I didn't want to jump into a relationship with him, but he could at least show a little common courtesy. I'm thinking he's NOT the heat and definitely not the guy for me at this point. Apparently I'm just not psychotic enough for some men.
-Jules

Owen is a Sex God

I'd walk over hot coals in bare feet before I ever told him this, but omg he's amazingly awesome at sex...consistently...every single time. I have never, ever left him feeling less than completely content. So, why am I posting about Owen when just like 2 days ago I was raving about Gavin? Gavin has got my shit twisted up and I don't particularly like this feeling. Sunday I went over to his house to hang out again that night after he got back from the track. I finally caved and had sex with him. He hasn't called me since. It's Tuesday morning here and I'm more than a little put out by it. I'm going to give him a minute since I know he's working a really labor intensive job that is long hours in town right now, but wtf? I always find the best way to get your head straightened out about one guy is to fuck another one. Crude, yes...but men do it and I swear it works. I just had some freaking hot sex with Owen and honestly if Gavin calls, great...if not, whatever. I almost told Owen about Gavin yesterday. I was conflicted last night about it while Owen and I were texting, but decided that silence is golden for now.
Russell and I are now off to look at some apartments...hello 3 bedrooms and my own room!
-Jules

AMENDMENT: We went to look at a house on Gavin's road today. Gavin was NOT working, but rather at home washing his stupid truck. He just stopped and stared at us. I didn't even acknowledge him...no wave, no smile, no expression. I want so badly to call him though just to say. "Dude wtf are you doing?".

Monday, March 8, 2010

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Tonight Duckie came over to the apartment for dinner. I could tell he was very curious to see just where I landed. It was awkward, I kid you not. I showed him around the place with the kids very intentionally leaving a tour of my room out of the loop (though I saw him creep over that way later on). He was definitely sizing up the place. Think he expected/wanted it to look less put together or something. He finally muttered "nice place" before we had dinner. It was definitely uncomfortable and a little strained.

We are supposed to sign the final separation papers tomorrow. It will be good to have that behind us and I will finally feel like I don't have to compromise with everything he wants cause the deal will be official.

He stayed for a while after dinner just hanging out with the kids. I could tell they were really happy to see him and when he said it was time to leave, they both asked him to stay for a while longer. They both even said can't you move in here? Broke my heart it did. But they didn't cry or even seem all that upset when he finally left. I guess knowing they will see him in another day or two makes a difference.

On the Sawyer front, I had a very entertaining email exchange with Jules today discussing the merits of making guys "wait" and enjoying that "make out" period before you actually have sex. Thinking of challenging him to not have sex for a while and revert back to that period. Wonder who will give in first?

Miranda

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Gavin Is The Heat

Ok, I know when I last posted I was pretty pissed about him seeing the ex. It turned into a good thing. He went and he said that the 15 minutes he was there were 15 very miserable minutes. Damien said he needed to go just to make sure there was closure there. I would have thought the restraining order was his sign, but whatever. I personally think I was placing a lot of the shit that had happened the previous night with Russell onto what Gavin was saying...if that makes any sense.
So Gavin calls me yesterday at 3pm and I let it go to voice mail, because honestly I'd dropped Chloe off for a sleepover and had gone over to a friend's house for a little smoke and I didn't trust myself to chat with him at that point. He called back about an hour later though and I took that call. He asked me if I wanted to come hang out that night, to which I responded "Sure, but I'm at the beach with Damien right now and when I'm done I need to go home and shower, so I'll call you later". I'm trying to play this kind of cool, but I suck that. I just want to be able to say what I feel...in time I guess. I get over to his house and he's got a fire going and some of his friends over...apparently it's a big deal for him to start introducing me to people per Damien. Then he tells me his son is coming over later (gasp!)...I was so freaking nervous about meeting a 12 yr old boy it was ridiculous. I had many cocktails, he cooked dinner, and we ended up having a great night. I spent the full night over there because Chloe was gone. It was so strange waking up to another man. I've only slept over once before with someone and I felt horrible about it, like I had truly cheated on Russell. Now of course, it's different...lots of things are different. For example, I'm a no contact sleeper...Russell has strictly adhered to this policy for years...Gavin is not. He's a full on cuddle, touching, holding sleeper and I must say that I love it. He was like that Wednesday night too. There is something comforting about it. It's taking me some getting used to, but I may be changing that rule. I still haven't had sex with him. His kid spent the night last night, so we did fool around some in the bathroom but that was it. I start my period tomorrow, so it looks like I may end up knowing him for about 2 weeks before we actually have sex...it's a new record for me (and probably for him too).
When I left this morning, he was all pouty that I wasn't bringing Chloe to the track today to watch his son compete. I had to explain again that until I'm really serious about a guy, they aren't meeting Chloe. I think that's a good rule. I will not cave on this rule...but how long defines serious? I mean I know it's longer than a week!! If we move into the house right down from him, I'm sure things will speed up but I have to keep it all in check and protect her too. I think it's going to be hard dating now that I'm a Mom, although men do seem to love a MILF...yay!
-Jules

Day 1

So my first full day as a “single” person. Pretty quite over here. Just me and the kids. I am exhausted, more tired than I can ever remember feeling in my entire life. I think the stress and pressure that I’ve been carrying around has finally left me and I’m just wiped out.

Today has been an interesting array of emotions. Waking up and feeling peace knowing that I didn’t have to worry about fighting and nasty words; feeling exhausted and alone wishing someone would take Leo and Ladybug and tie them up as they ran rampant around the apartment; feeling sad thinking about how much my life has changed and how I never imagined myself in this position; feeling exhilarated at all the possibilities that lie ahead. It’s been weird to say the least.

I guess it’s going to take a while to get used to my new “normal.”

An interesting side note that I have realized today… Living next to Sawyer has created a rhythm in my life. Not that we saw each other very much around the house, mostly just in passing, for the last four months, I have been consistently aware of his presence. I knew when he was at home and when he wasn’t; hearing his voice when he was outside; just knowing his daily routines. Suddenly I’m totally unaware of his actions/where about. Just a weird thing I noticed today.

I spoke with Duckie briefly on the phone earlier when he was talking to the kids. Strange how both normal and totally abnormal it felt to talk to him. Where I caved the other day and said we could have dinner on Monday, he called me on it. So he’s coming over tomorrow night to have dinner and see the apartment. Oh joy – NOT! But I suppose he does have a right to be curious to see where his kids are living half the time now.

He did ask a funny question. He asked me if I had a dining table. As if I’d move out and not have every detail taken care of! Sheesh! He’s in for a surprise if he thinks I don’t have a fully functional and decorated pad. I didn’t stop yesterday until I was completely unpacked, organized, and as decorated as could be. Home girl ain’t playing here. I set up shop and threw down roots quick.

Tomorrow should be interesting to say the least…

Miranda

Saturday, March 6, 2010

I did it - FREEDOM!

As promised, I’m sitting here in MY apartment on MY couch watching MY television enjoying MY peace and quiet. See a theme here?

Yes, today I left my husband. Wow. It is absolutely crazy to say/think that. All at once I feel extremely grown up and yet terribly young at the same time.

The day started off with a bang. I was up early to take care of the last few details and Duckie was irate pretty much. I sat and desperately waited for my moving party to get there knowing that at any minute he was going to lose it.

Sawyer jetted over briefly to let me know he had to run an errand and he’d be back in a few. I swear, just seeing him does something unnatural to me. That’s the biggest thing I’m going to miss from moving – no casual encounters out in front of our houses. The Dave and Josievshowed up. My high school saviors! I’ve known these guys forever and they volunteered out of the good of the heart to help me move.

It was definitely awkward to start loading up the various cars/trucks/trailers with Duckie watching. He was on the phone with his mom I think saying nasty things to and about me every time one of us would pass. Thanks to Dave and Josie I was able to keep a pretty good sense of humor about the whole thing. It was so AWKWARD!

Shortly after that, my sister in law, her sister, Sawyer, and my mom showed up. My mom corralled Duckie and literally let him cry on her shoulder for the whole hour it took us to load up.

Part of the good distraction for the day was that Dave/Josie know about Sawyer but Sawyer doesn’t know they know. Very complex! Ha! But that made it funny plus it was good to hear that Josie thought Sawyer was every bit as hot as I do. Why is it so much better when one of your friends agrees that your man is smoking hot?

Leaving the house was weird. Duckie took Leo and Ladybug aside to say bye to them. It was really sad. Then we took a minute alone. We actually hugged and I found myself tearing up. I caved in that moment and told him we could all have dinner together on Monday if he wanted. It was sad to leave him there, not for me, but because I do want him to learn from all this, go on, be happy, and make some woman an awesome husband – just not me!

The moving in was pretty uneventful. With so many people around Sawyer and I really didn’t get a moment alone, just lots of eye contact and meaningful faces. Though right when we first got to the apartment we did manage a hot kiss or two. It was very hard to behave around him, to keep that friendly distance. We got everything up in the new apartment and freaking Sawyer carried a dryer up three flights of stairs by himself. Show off!

I am actually totally unpacked, pictures on the wall, and everything. After so much drama and craziness the last few months, this seems very surreal. I guess I have to learn to single parent and live on my own now. Should be another interesting transition. I have to tell you, it feels very weird/awesome/incredible/surreal/emotional to be here in my own place finally.

I basically owe everyone big time for helping with this transition and Sawyer has made me promise to pay him back in some very specific ways. Ha! Can’t wait for that!

Miranda