Hindsight really is 20/20
In packing and sorting, I stumbled across a marriage preparation course book Duckie and I had completed. The church we got married in required that we do this course which consisted of some “homework” with this book and then meeting with the Pastor several times to review our work.
It had some really interesting stuff in there, let me tell you what. One of the most telling and interesting was a “wish list” we had to fill out. The instructions were to like 2-3 things that you wish your partner would do differently. They could be anything in relation to their actions and behaviors.
Mine for Duckie – I wish he would ask me more about work issues and I wish he would compliment my appearance more.
His for me – I wish she would cook more and I wish she would go to bed at the same time as me.
Interesting no? I wanted him to take an interest in me and my life while he wanted me to take care of him like a mom. Now a little back-story for you, for YEARS these same issues have come up for us over and over and over. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve told him it bothers me that he doesn’t ask “how was your day” when I come home or EVER say “hey you look nice today.”
Now to be fair he has always complained that I stay up too late and I am admittedly a bit of a night owl. But I’m just not ready to go to bed at nine like he is! Hell, maybe if he was actually making an effort to be involved in my life then I would have wanted to spend more time with him in bed. The cooking thing, well until Leo was about two I just didn’t cook. Didn’t like it, didn’t care to, plus Duckie is the most freaking picky person in the world and it’s annoying to cook for him. I mean this is a man who picks out the minced pieces of onions in a jar of spaghetti sauce. Seriously! But I digress, once Leo turned two, I turned into Betty Crocker, and I bet I cook 90% of the meals we eat now.
He also said a very sad thing the other night in the midst of one of our arguments when yet again he wanted me to explain all that was wrong with us. I told him for the millionth time that I felt like there was no “us” in the relationship; we were simply a mom/dad and roommates. He said, “That’s what having kids is like. You devote all your time and energy to them and maybe in 20 years when they leave the house you spend some time together as a couple.” Seriously, that’s what he said. Though I typically don’t argue with him, I had to correct him on that point. All the couples I know that have good relationships, find time to spend together no matter if it’s just watching TV together at the end of the day. They make an effort to still be the “us” in the relationship. What Duckie described is exactly what his parents have and it’s the most miserable relationship. I refuse to spend 20 years with someone I don’t even like only to have to figure out a way to “like” them when the kids leave home. No sir, no way!
Interesting looking back and seeing that the patterns were already set at that point…
Miranda
PS - Duckie tried yet again last night to get me to have sex with him one last time. As if!!!!!
It had some really interesting stuff in there, let me tell you what. One of the most telling and interesting was a “wish list” we had to fill out. The instructions were to like 2-3 things that you wish your partner would do differently. They could be anything in relation to their actions and behaviors.
Mine for Duckie – I wish he would ask me more about work issues and I wish he would compliment my appearance more.
His for me – I wish she would cook more and I wish she would go to bed at the same time as me.
Interesting no? I wanted him to take an interest in me and my life while he wanted me to take care of him like a mom. Now a little back-story for you, for YEARS these same issues have come up for us over and over and over. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve told him it bothers me that he doesn’t ask “how was your day” when I come home or EVER say “hey you look nice today.”
Now to be fair he has always complained that I stay up too late and I am admittedly a bit of a night owl. But I’m just not ready to go to bed at nine like he is! Hell, maybe if he was actually making an effort to be involved in my life then I would have wanted to spend more time with him in bed. The cooking thing, well until Leo was about two I just didn’t cook. Didn’t like it, didn’t care to, plus Duckie is the most freaking picky person in the world and it’s annoying to cook for him. I mean this is a man who picks out the minced pieces of onions in a jar of spaghetti sauce. Seriously! But I digress, once Leo turned two, I turned into Betty Crocker, and I bet I cook 90% of the meals we eat now.
He also said a very sad thing the other night in the midst of one of our arguments when yet again he wanted me to explain all that was wrong with us. I told him for the millionth time that I felt like there was no “us” in the relationship; we were simply a mom/dad and roommates. He said, “That’s what having kids is like. You devote all your time and energy to them and maybe in 20 years when they leave the house you spend some time together as a couple.” Seriously, that’s what he said. Though I typically don’t argue with him, I had to correct him on that point. All the couples I know that have good relationships, find time to spend together no matter if it’s just watching TV together at the end of the day. They make an effort to still be the “us” in the relationship. What Duckie described is exactly what his parents have and it’s the most miserable relationship. I refuse to spend 20 years with someone I don’t even like only to have to figure out a way to “like” them when the kids leave home. No sir, no way!
Interesting looking back and seeing that the patterns were already set at that point…
Miranda
PS - Duckie tried yet again last night to get me to have sex with him one last time. As if!!!!!
I do feel sorry for him but he is a dumbass. What's even crazier is that both times he's asked for that, it's been right after he's had like a 30 minute bitch fest about what a horrible person I am. Like I'd even be in the mood to do that with him at that point! Sheesh!
ReplyDeleteI am totally having flaskbacks to my first marriage- NOT COOL!!
ReplyDeleteWow, does arguing turn him on or something? Yeah, I guess he doesn't understand that women usually don't want to sleep with men who piss them off. What is his DEAL?! Anyway, not that you would, but don't do it, it is totally awkward and you will want to hurl... I know.
ALso, you are so totally right- if you are in a marriage just for the kids, that is not really a marriage. We're human beings, we don't form relationships simply to reproduce. We need to have more connection and interaction than that. The first couple of years when they are babies I can almost see- you have little energy after doing all that needs to be done, but now that my little one is older I LOVE spending quality time with my man. It really reminds me why I fell in love with him. ANd hey my kid is only 7, so where the heck does he get 20 YEARS?!
Oh, and the picky eater thing... my first husband only ate meat, potatoes and bread. I tried at first, but then I was like what is the POINT? I like my veggies so I started making him cook for himself. That is really more annoying than people think, and another reason to GET OUT! LOL
I should add that the reason I didn't cook for a long time was every time I made anything, I'd hear "this is ok but my mom's/dad's/sister's is better.
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