Train Wreck

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This is pretty much how I feel about my life lately. I feel like everything is just so damn chaotic and up in the air and just fucked up. Right now I'm at work PRAYING for my period to start. I'm a day late. This may not seem like a big deal to the rest of the world, but you can set a clock by my cycle. The last time I was late, Chloe showed up BUT I was off the pill then. I take the pill religiously. I never skip days, I take it at the same time every day...and it's NEVER failed me in almost 20 years of having sex. I'm hoping it's just the current stress of my life that's causing this, though I've been through some pretty stressful stuff in my life before this and it's never mattered, but I guess I do have a lot going on right now. This is a particularly horrible feeling. I mean if I am pregnant, obviously I would have an abortion, but I'd just rather not. I can't help but think this is karma biting me in the ass either way it goes, even if it's just a scare.
In other chaotic mess, I am in the process of trying to move into a 3 bedroom house with Russell. Chloe keeps asking why we're in such a hurry to move. I think she knows something's up. The house we found is right behind Gavin's house...which is just whatever. I mean I'm grown...I can live behind the guy I had a weeklong fling with and by the time we move it will be mid-April. Who knows what all is going to happen between now and then?? I'm still waiting to hear if I got accepted into the Masters program that I've applied for. I'm still seeing Owen, which is good but I do still feel a little guilty about it knowing that he's trying to work out his marriage stuff too. Then last night, this guy I met in January contacts me out of the blue on Facebook. He was in the Army and I met him the month before he was getting out and moving back to Texas. It was a super hot, intense month and honestly I think helped facilitate my need to get away from Russell. He made me realize how underappreciated I was at home. He hates it in Tx and wants to come back here now. It was an interesting email exchange. He told me about all the recent soul searching that he's been doing and it gave me pause. I think I need to stop and do a little of that. I can't possibly jump into something (like the Gavin thing) right now until I figure out all of my other shit. I'm feel like I am one dead rabbit away from a talk show. It's time to step back and take a deep breath.
-Jules

Comments

  1. MirandaMarch 10, 2010 at 10:14 PM

    I feel the same way girl. I think I need to stop, think, and make a plan for my future. The last 4-5 months have all been geared towards getting out and now that I am out, I don't want to rush headlong into something I'm not ready for.

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