Sunday, October 31, 2010

Highs and Lows

The past week has been a pretty wild ride.  I’ve been so worried that I’d only focus and focus and focus on the anniversary of my dad’s death.  I’ve had a few low moments and one hard day but there has been so much weird, fun, odd, and crazy things that have happened it’s given me a lot to focus on other than my dad’s death.

Grandpa Twin is back with a vengeance trying to win me back over. He knows he screwed up big time.  First he was just emailing me but by today he is back to texting and telling me how attracted he is to me and how much he likes me.  I’m very whatever about him now though.  I so don’t want that drama and his issues. If he gets himself straightened out one day I’ll go out with him again but as I’ve said from the beginning, I just don’t think there’s a future there for us.

Thursday I bartended at a charity event where they organizer was coked out of his mind. Like he was clearly messed the fuck up in a bad bad way.  Then I look over and he’s walking around with a kitten.  Apparently he found he kitten a couple days before and decided he didn’t want to leave the kitten home alone.  He brought the kitten’s food bowl, water dish, and litter box. Then he just strolled around the event with the cat perched on his shoulder like a parrot.  Weird!

After the event, I went and hung out with SoCo.  He’s been getting a lot of time lately.  We sat and talked and listened to music for a long time. Then we were lying on his couch getting things started and he told me he thought I was “too good to be hanging out with him.  That I had it all going on.” HA!  It cracked me up.  Then he proceeded to take me to his bedroom and screw me till I was cross eyed.  It was a pretty great end to the night.

I got up that morning to a phone call from my mom that Ladybug was sick.  So I called in to work and headed over to see what was going on.  I ended up taking Ladybug to the DR who diagnosed her with a severe UTI and probable kidney infection.  Because of the severity of the infection and her high fever they recommended that I take her to the pediatric ER for further tests.  Yikes!

Duckie was out of town at the beach with his girlfriend so I was flying solo here.  I called him to fill him in on what was going on and for about 30 seconds I wanted to burst into tears and thought to myself, “This is why you need a fucking husband!”  Then I gave myself a strong mental slap and calmed back down.  I called my mom to fill her in and she freaked the hell out!  Incidentally, Friday was the “anniversary” of the day we think my dad was going to kill himself but Leo was at his house and instead he had a mental breakdown and we spent that night in the hospital getting him evaluated.

Incidentally, walking back into the very ER we went to after he shot himself was hard.  I was really focused on Ladybug but as I walked up to the door I literally stopped in my tracks for a minute and had to force myself forward.  I could remember walking in there the last time in total shock, falling apart, seeing the people in the waiting room looking at us in horror, and having a nurse standing there waiting to help us back to the private waiting room. 

They started checking out Ladybug and we had to walk down this one hallway to the ultrasound room and I had a total flash back to walking down the hall the night of my dad’s death and again I literally stopped in my tracks and couldn’t budge for a minute.  It was very surreal and very very very weird.

After a full day of doctors and ERs, I was quite happy when they sent us home with a prescription and instructions to follow up with our family doctor on Monday.  Friday night I really wanted to go to a party a friend of mine was having, I’d even asked SoCo to go with me because he knows her too.  Clearly that wasn’t meant to be so I had to cancel to take care of my poor little sickie.  It did make me laugh that multiple times throughout the day SoCo texted me to check on Ladybug and just let me know he was thinking about us.  I definitely think he’s feeling me – haha!

Thankfully Ladybug is a trooper and bounces back fairly quickly so last night I did get to go out with Gwyn and all the guys and girls for an awesome Halloween night.  It was a freaking blast!  I was a sex therapist – Miss B Havin.  HA!  I was writing prescriptions for things like Viagra, medical marijuana, and for Gwyn to remember that sex=love.  Where in the hell that came from I’ll never know.

Somehow we all got separated at the end of the night and I ended up at an after party at a friend’s house where the guy I’d been flirting with all night revealed he was married and I had to tell him to walk the plank.  I was pretty proud of myself for that because I was pretty freaking drunk and that’s usually when I make the dumbest decisions.  Then I promptly passed out in the friend’s bed and slept with him all night. HA!

Tonight Duckie and I took the kids trick or treating and surprisingly it felt really normal.  That’s definitely the longest amount of time we’ve spent together since we split and it was nice to see that we could be so friendly and “normal.”  It was very weird to be in the house though and sit down in the seat I always sat in to eat dinner beforehand.  I hope things keep being this nice and smooth with us.  There was also a weird moment where we ran into Sawyer and his wife and had to stand around and chit chat. AWKWARD!

Tonight I uploaded all my crazy pictures from last night and College Crush texted me all pissy about the number of pictures I have with the married guy. HA!  Friday night he texted me a bunch telling me how much he cares about me and how he will always be there for me.  He said he knows I’m out meeting other people but he hopes I’ll always have room in my life for him.   He’s becoming more and more of a gimp every day.

I’m sure the next two days will be hard but I can’t help but be thankful for all the wonderful people that have become party of my life in the last year.  They have time and time again helped me in so many ways! 


PS - As far as my man sabbatical, it's gone pretty well.  I've not checked my PoF account and other than sending out a sexy Halloween costume picture last night, I haven't initiated any texting.  I'm kind of digging it.

Saturday, October 30, 2010


Last night was a first for me...really. After my pity party ended yesterday, I was sitting at home organizing some school work when Gavin came barrelling in and told me that he was going camping with his son and some of his son's friends at Waimea Bay and asked me to come. He'd mentioned it that morning, but I was non-commital. I've never camped...ever. Before moving to HI, I would have never considered it...but when a hot guy asks me to go sleep in a tent under the stars with wine, a fire, and lobster burritos for dinner, I'm down these days.

It took like 2 hours to get it all together, but finally we got out there and set everything up. We chilled with some wine and recreational subtances, watched the kids fish, Gavin paddled bait out for his son, and we hung with some friends of Gavin's. He even set a hammock up under a trees where you could chill and watch the sky. It was gorgeous! Then, Gavin got all frisky...yeah, beach sex. Our tent was far enough from the kids that we were cool. He started by telling me to lay down and he went down on me forever, then he made me turn around and he licked my ass. (Yep, mine was clean...if you follow then you'll get that.) I've had a guy do it once or twice before, but not like this. I fucking loved it, but you guys know I'm a freak. Once I was ready, we had some crazy anal sex. I'm loving this current sexual version of Gavin. He's been totally amazing in bed lately. It's been the best sex we've had the last few nights. I guess it has to do with the gf break-up...maybe he's more open now. I don't know, but it's working for me. 

It was chilly last night and a little rainy at times, so it was actually fun sleeping all cuddled with him. We woke up this morning, went for coffee and breakfast for the kids, packed up, came home, and I took a nap while he ran some errands. I'm a huge fan of this called camping now, well at least Gavin style camping.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Sick and Tired With a Dose of Perspective

The people that live in this house are wearing me out. I'm having a big ole pity party for myself today, but admittedly I've let it all happen. Here's some back story with Gavin and why he's on the shit list.

On Wednesday, he found out his gf has been cheating on him and he broke up with her (again). He proceeded to get wasted and high and actually I ended up getting most of the story from Russell. I had a date Wednesday night with SD (short dick) guy and while I'm so not into him, I didn't have the heart to bail again. Gavin got super pissed that I went out, but wtf ever. I'm not his gf. SD took me out to this point near his house for sunset and we had wine and pizza. I left after sunset and dinner though because I knew Gavin was having a bad day. He'd had some court stuff that morning too that didn't go the way he wanted. I came home and he was passed out. He woke up a little while later and we hung out, smoked some, and I gave him an "awesome" blow job. Apparently awesome enough that he called me the next day to thank me again...I do have skills. ;) LOL...ok, I digress. My point to him about the gf situation is that while I obviously think she's the lowest form of human life...he's cheated on her THE ENTIRE time they've been back together with me. I mean the entire time, from March until this very moment. He doesn't seem to get the correlation. He's whined and bitched and moaned about her since he came into the house...almost non-stop. I'm sick of hearing it. I don't fucking care. I miss the days where I didn't know quite so much about their relationship. I liked fucking him and then him going home or back to her  or whatever he did when we didn't live together.

Yesterday while I was in school, Clark starts texting me asking me about my date the night before. He was asking me to come over and finally in the end, I told him "No". I finally owned up to Gavin living with me, which didn't go over well with him.  Before this though, he told me that he has a "slave" coming to visit him for a month or so soon. Now, I don't know that I believe him...but regardless, clearly he's sick and has some serious issues. I finally told him that if we just can't seem to meet each other's needs and I think we should both cut our losses and go forth. I mean really...the boy just got out of serious trouble with the last girl he brought to HI and moved in and then he's pulling this. Oh and in the midst of the texts, he tells me how much he cares about me and wants to be with me, but he's just too fucked up and felt like I was pressuring him. I pointed out that he found me again. He pressured me into telling him I had feelings for him. He pressured me into discussing our future and possible offspring. I just responded to what he put out there...idiot (and yes, I meant me).

Last night, I came home from school and I was just tired and uggg. I'd decided to call into work sick today, so I started having some wine and then Gavin came out of his room and we smoked some of the fake stuff since we're out of the good stuff. Russell and Bob left to go to the beach (at night, in the rain...um, ok) and we started playing around. Well, Gavin brought his freaking game last night. It was literally the best sex we've had...ever. I was  able to squirt with him, which is something that I've never done with him and that rarely happens during regular sex anyway. Of course, unbeknownst to me in the midst of us loudly fucking, Russell and Bob come home. We laid on his bed for a while afterward, high and laughing...it was a fun night. I played with him some more later, blew him again after Russell went to bed, and so he was ill prepared for this morning's mood, bless his heart.

I woke up just pissed and tired this morning. It's my own fault for partying way to much this week and sleeping precious little. I get a little emotional when I'm tired. I was texting with Russell and addressed the fact that they came home in the middle of us having sex and I apologized, recommending that maybe he should loudly state he's home next time. Well, that pissed him off and we proceeded to have a 2 hour text fight about a variety of things. He wasn't pissed so much about coming home to it, but apparently my mere suggestion that he should have said he was home was what sent him over the edge and then it snowballed. This fight on top of listening to Gavin's emotionally draining crap all week on top of the stress I have from work and school on top of Chloe being smart mouthed and whiny all week too just sent me into tears. I rarely cry...I hate it. I think it's weak and I just feel like crap afterwards, so I try really hard to not...but sometimes you can't stop the floodgates.

Then I'm texting with Miranda who had to take one of her kids to the pediatric ER today (she's ok...no worries, but still) and then to know that she's going through all this heavy emotional stuff with regards to her Dad made me realize that I need to put my big girl panties on and get the fuck over my life. I will curb the whiny behavior from Chloe. I will work to be as  nice as possible to Russell and make some amends for the things that I can and I will tell Gavin when I need him to shut up or I'll just make the decision to get up and walk away when he won't stop complaining. He seems to be planning to move in a few days though, which I think will be good all the way around. So, I'm going to go enjoy my mental health day now and try to not let the little shit bother me.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Daddy's Girl

Obviously, this is a week of serious reflection for me. One thing I keep thinking about is that old saying of how girls tend to marry someone who reminds them of their dad.

My mom used to say that Duckie reminded her of my dad when they were first married. Quiet, reserved, a little odd – LOL. I never really saw any similarities between them. Even looking back now, I still can’t find much that they had in common.

I was lying in bed last night thinking about all the boys I’ve been involved with since March and trying to pinpoint things they had in common with my dad, if any. Not too many of them but there are a few who were either handy like my dad or super intelligent.

Many of them have been tall like my dad – HA! Maybe that’s where I get my height thing. To the day he died, there was no better feeling than being hugged by my dad and feeling dwarfed by him or having to stand on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

Maybe I need to spend some time thinking about the qualities I loved about my dad and start looking for those qualities in my boys.

It’s weird. As this week progresses, and actually for about the last month, I’ve been having “flashbacks” so to speak of the week leading up to his suicide and the weeks after. Things I had forgotten or never processed or things I was in too much shock to really comprehend. It’s a very odd sensation to be reliving this.

I badly want to write about that day. To dissect it in detail. To put myself back in the moment. When I start to remember it, I can remember the most minute details – the feel of the grass pressing into my palms as I sat on the curb crying in the parking lot, the feel of the neighbors linoleum floor pressing into my knees as I sat on the floor with my arms wrapped around my mom’s waist to keep her from running out the door to go see my dad, the way my screams sounded when I got there and my brother in law told me he’d just heard the gunshot, the look on Leo’s face when we told him what had happened, the smell of the hospital room they took us in to see my dad’s body.

I don’t know if I can. It would be healthy I think. I just don’t know if I’m ready to open those floodgates yet.


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

A Day Late

Well I missed posting this on TMI Tuesday because I had to write a book report and take Chloe to a Halloween party and such…ahh, the life of a mom and student…but have no fear, I’m still whoring it up in my free time. Owen made an amazing appearance yesterday and I mean a-m-a-z-i-n-g.  We met up in our spot, but when I got there 3 cops were in the parking lot, which kind of freaked me out. I’m pretty sure sex in a van is an arrest-able offense. He convinced me that it would be fine though, that they were busy with other people and that once he was inside me I would forget all about it. The man was right.

We had some totally hard core, screaming, cumming until I was almost completely drained and my legs were shaking kind of sex. It was exactly what the Dr. ordered. I forget when I don’t see him for a while just how big his cock is and let me just say it, sometimes I’m a size queen. I’ll own it. Anyway the sex was super hot and he put that big, huge cock of his everywhere he could. I really love when a  guy cums twice, it’s an ego trip. He did yesterday and we both left very happy campers. Next Tuesday is Election Day, so sadly I probably won’t get to see him for 2 weeks, but holy mother of god he brought it yesterday and honestly it’ll tide me over.  The best thing about him is that it really is what it is…simple, easy, no drama.

Gavin is totally on again and off again with the gf…it’s ridiculous. I am not kidding you guys when I tell you that they have broken up 3 times since Sunday. Yes, 3 times. He actually slept in my bed last night because his son was visiting (but we didn’t have sex…just slept). Russell worked late and then opened, so as far as I know it went undetected. (Whoops...just got a text from Russell asking where Gavin slept.) I didn’t actually sleep worth a damn though because he sleeps in the middle of the bed and he kept snuggling me. He’s the only man I’ve never made abide by the no touching while sleeping rule I have because he’s so sweet and likes to cuddle and touch and for some reason I’m ok with him doing it, but I’m so tired today from the like 30 minutes of sleep I got I can hardly form sentences.  

Tonight I rescheduled my date from last week. I’m really not into this guy, but for some reason I feel compelled to go out with him. I think maybe it’s just because I need to interact with someone other than Gavin for a minute. Although, I think Gavin is moving to a friend’s house at the top of my road next week. It will be great because then he’s not there all the time, but can still visit easily and frequently.  

Oh No He Didn't

Romeo came over last night to hang out and, unfortunately, to watch the Miami/Boston and Houston/L.A. NBA games. We've been seeing a lot of each other lately, pretty much every Friday and Saturday night and usually at least one night during the week (he works second shift and also lives about 30 min away). We've had 'the talk' and so far things have been going pretty smoothly. We aren't dating exclusively at this point but have discussed the possibility of that happening in the future - you know I like to keep my men at arm's length.

So last night Romeo talked about the future a lot, a future that seemed to include the two of us together. He even brought up living together, to which I replied, "Yeah if we are living together then that means we'd be married." Miranda said she liked that response lol. I lived in sin with The Ex for almost four years and I'm never going down that path again. If you want to wake up with me every morning then you'd better start saving for a ring (which, in a cruel twist of fate, I don't even want), Gwyn don't play that mess any more.

Now to the climax of the night, no pun intended. We were in my room and I was sitting on the edge of the bed taking my clothes off, getting ready to get under the covers next to him. Then it happened. I heard the most dreaded three words of my life, "Come to DADDY!" Um, excuse me? Come to who? What? Where? Have you lost your damn mind? He knew as soon as the words came out of his mouth that it was a huge mistake. I will give him some credit - he had consumed about 3 shots of tequila half an hour prior to the verbal diarhhea and he also laughed while he said it. But regardless, it was quite possibly the biggest turn off ever. EVER.

I tried my best to laugh it off but I'm quite sure he could tell by my body language that I was not impressed. It took him a good twenty minutes after that to get me back in the mood to have sex. And even then I wasn't really into it - those three little words completely killed it for me. Maybe it's true, maybe us girls are all out there looking for our daddies in the men that we get involved with. But I certainly don't need you to remind me of that fact or to give me the mental image of my dad naked in a bed with a hard on. OMG even writing it out is making me queasy. I've got to get back to work to distract myself.


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Maudlin Miranda

I warned you this was coming. This is the final week leading up to the anniversary of my dad’s death.  For you newbies, my dad committed suicide last November.  It was very sudden and unexpected and we’d only known he was depressed for a few days before it happened. 

I’ve been planning for this week. Thinking about it. Imagining it.  I’ve felt the tension, the worry, the anticipation building.  It’s not going to be a good, I know that much. But I’m hoping that the lead up to the actual day is worse than the actual day.

It’s hard to believe it’s been just shy of a year since my dad was here with me.  Lots of times I wonder what he thinks now.  What he’d say to me today. What he'd think of the choices I've made.  What he'd think of the woman I am today.

Last night when I went to bed, I was laying there with the windows open, listening to the night sounds and sadness just washed over me so unexpectedly.  I felt that crushing ache in my chest, the feeling of a literal hole in my heart that I carried around for months after he died.  For the longest time I would look down and realize I had one hand clutched at my chest like I was trying to cover up a hole or else hold myself together in one way or another.  I laid there in my bed, all alone, and cried for a good long time.

Today I woke up angry at the world. It was weird.  Rarely am I ever in anything but a good mood but today I would have gladly gotten in a fist fight if the opportunity arose.  That mood continued throughout the day and it was all I could do not to bite my coworkers heads off for the slightest infraction.  I feel sorry for the damage I’m going to do in the week ahead – haha. 

Then this afternoon I fell apart at work for a good 30 minutes.  I don’t know why. One minute I was fine and the next I was at my desk sobbing.  I hate crying at work!  Thankfully Gwyn reminded our boss that this week was going to be very touch and go for me.  I hope he’s prepared.

Tonight I had the kids for a little while so Duckie could help his girlfriend with something.  They were a good distraction. But after they left I felt incredibly self destructive – NOT IN A HURT MYSELF SORT OF WAY. No worries there my friends.  Just the impulse to do something destructive like get trashed or have stupid sex with stupid boys or tell people what I really think of them, burn bridges, etc was almost too much to resist. 

Thankfully I have the kids for this next week and I think I’ll be able to throw all that energy into being the uber-mom for the next week.  I do have some opportunities for trouble though. I’m bartending one night at a concert and then doing the Halloween thing with Ms. Gwyn this weekend – I’m being a sex therapist by the way. 

Bare with me these next few days friends.  Happy go lucky slutty Miranda is on hiatus and this weepy, self destructive, maudlin Miranda is being given free rein right now.


PS - I decided yesterday I was going on a sabbatical from boys.  I have too much of my own drama to figure out to worry about them right now.  Last time I took a sabbatical it only lasted about 48 hours. We’ll see if this one goes longer.  Regardless I need to clear my head and start fresh with Team Miranda.

TMI Tuesday - Very Random Edition

Have you ever broken something (object or body part) while having sex?
I had a bed with crappy bed rails that used to break in college every freaking time I had sex.  At first it was hilarious but then it got really annoying every time I'd be in mid-move and the box springs and mattress would drop a foot. Also, after the crazy three hour session with IT, I feared my vagina was broken. - Miranda
I've broken beds before. Once my laptop (not my current one) was kicked off the bed. I've broken glasses that were on the nightstand and knocked off...jesus, I better stop thinking about this one before I decide I owe some people money. - Jules
If I have I was too drunk to remember because nothing really comes to mind. Judging from Miranda and Jules' responses it seems like I should have broken a bed or two by now, hmmmm. -Gwyn

What's one sexual guilty pleasure that you wouldn't openly tell your friends about?
I love it when a guy makes me lactate - HA Jules!  Kidding!  Sawyer has been my biggest guilty pleasure and only a few of my real life friends know about him. Seems that fucking someone's husband is a pretty big deal to some people.  Go figure LOL. - Miranda
Very funny Miranda...um, I think I've told you guys ALL of my sexual guilty pleasures...seriously, I'm an open book.  - Jules
Um hello you guys (and some of our readers) are my friends but good try getting me to divulge. -Gwyn

Take a peek over any celebrity's shoulder in the bedroom. Who are they and what are they doing?
Matthew McConaughey. I imagine he's screwing his baby mama doggie style, I don't know why.  I just want to look at his fine ass. - Miranda
JayZ - I have NO idea why he of all people came to my mind, but I bet he's got Beyonce's legs spread wide ass open pounding it...totally random. - Jules
Brad Pitt - wondering who the crazy bag of skin and bones in his bed is and how it is that she keeps convincing him to adopt babies from third world countries. -Gwyn

Roses are red, violets are blue...
Boys are stupid and so are you? - Sorry I'm in a pissy mood today. Miranda
If I hear you whine one more time, I'm going to shoot you. I'm also in a fairly pissy mood, though I've discovered pot may in fact be the cure for PMS. - Jules
Far too girly of a question for me to answer, how about "...poetry is weird and so are you." -Gwyn

How many times have you thought about sex in the last 24 hours? What triggered it? Who did it involve? At least five times. I'm enforcing a self-imposed boy sabbatical to clear my mind.  The crazy ass boys in my life triggered it and I'm debating if I can go without sex for very long now that I've gotten used to getting it all the time.  We shall see - Miranda
A trillion - I live with Gavin. Although, I'm losing interest in him sexually b/c he's turned into a whiny bitch about the gf...it's wearing me out. So, I'm off to go fuck Owen now. Yay! - Jules
I can't keep track but I'd guess around 10-20 times. A few times texting with Romeo....a few times reminiscing about past sex with Romeo....a few times while talking to The Ex last night, I reminisced about our past sexy times in an attempt to see if I was still interested in sleeping with him...a few times while around my bff's brother last night (No Miranda, I'm not a homewrecker lol - rather her brother always propositions me when we're around each other). I think that just about covers it. -Gwyn

Monday, October 25, 2010

Slow it Down; I Want to Get Off This Bus

I try to not overtly dislike people, but you guys should know by now that when I'm over it, I'm over it. I'm working toward really being over it with Clark. I don't know what pull he has on me. I can't figure out what it is that I like about him so much, but I'm working toward being finished with him.

I never should have apologized. Sometimes it's best to let sleeping dogs lie. Honestly, I've been reviewing his traits today and other than the fact that he's hot...there's not much else there. He's kind of boring. He's not very smart. He's narcissistic (but then again, so am I). He's a total ass. He doesn't make me laugh very often (boo!). I don't see a future because of his mood instability issues. I would not want him around my kid, nor would I consider at this point producing another one with him due to all of the things I now know...so what is my freaking deal? Why does my heart skip a little when he texts or IMs me? I'm not a glutton for punishment. Typically if a guy treated me anywhere close to how he has, I'd have kicked his ass to the curb looooong before now. Am I getting stupid in my old age?

In Gavin news, I'm kind of ready for him to move. The shiny newness has worn off...now, don't mistake this for me being over him too. I'm not...I still fully plan to continue this FWB thing, but I don't like living with him. He brings a lot of drama into my environment and I don't appreciate that. I love the cooking, I love the sex, I love his humor, but the constant whining about his gf is working my last nerve...seriously. (It is PMS week, but enough is enough.)

Last night, I actually had to shut the doors in my house and close the windows in one room so Chloe didn't overhear a yelling match with him and the gf on the telephone...totally inappropriate. It was addressed, but he's obviously a slow learner. He made mention last night of maybe moving to another friend's house and I didn't encourage him to stay. Russell feels the same. It's nice having him around in some aspects, but I'm afraid if he stays too much longer I'm going to think that he's too pathetic (with regards to the gf) and lose interest. I see it starting...last night, I went to bed without even saying good night.

I told Miranda the other day that other than Owen (who is the most perfect FWB relationship ever...no bullshit, no games, just straight up), I need to revamp Team Jules. I'll keep you posted on my progress. The only problem is that I'm SUPER busy with school and Clark and Gavin have been easy...but easy is boring me now. I need to mix it up some.

Seeing the World through Gwyn-colored Glasses

I’ve been doing some self reflection lately to try and figure out where some of my relationship issues come from. I’ve always been very self aware even as a kid. I think it’s partially due to the fact that my mother is very concerned with appearances and consequently I always feel like everyone is watching me. To this day, many times I see my mom the first thing she says to me is an unintended insult (“You look really tired today.” “Did you want to maybe wear a different shirt?”). She’s an angel God bless her but I’ve never met anyone so concerned with what other people think. She’s even told me as an adult to ‘stop moving’ in line at the grocery store because people may think I’m mentally off if I can’t stand still for two minutes. Anyways, my point is that it’s not that I’m not aware of how I act in relationships and what my difficulties are. What I’m interested in figuring out is why I do these things and {possibly} how to fix them.

I’m going to break this down into two posts. In this one I want to give you a little background on my childhood so you have a better feel for my perspective on the world. The timing of this post is also deliberate as the anniversary of my dad’s passing is this week.

My parents met in VA and were married when they were both 25 years old, had me when they were both 26; they were divorced by the time I turned 2. My mom moved to NC to be closer to her parents and after the divorce I was lucky to see my dad twice a year.

My mom is the oldest of 2, a Duke graduate, and a fully certified nerd. She currently works as a Curator at a museum and went back to school about five years ago to earn her Masters in “Something to do with NC history and slavery sorry Mom I forgot the name of it”. She earned nothing less than an A+ her entire time in graduate school – that’s the God’s honest truth. I’ve seen her drink a handful of times and I think she may have smoked pot a few times back when she was a hippie, but that’s about the extent of her partying ways. She never smoked cigarettes and never did any hard drugs, never.

My dad came from a large Catholic family and was the second oldest of 10 children. They moved around a lot because my Grandpop was a Green Beret – my dad was actually born in Taiwan on the base. He worked as a chef (which is how he met my mom) and never went to college. He was an avid reader and a long distance runner. He made everyone laugh. He was a tortured soul. He was an alcoholic. I wish I could tell you more about him but I hardly knew him. The times he was around he was unpredictable and usually wasted. He died when I was 8 years old. It was the beginning of the end of my innocent childhood.

I will never forget the day. I was in the third grade and my mom was coming to our class this particular day to show us a ‘Traveling Trunk’ about the Native Americans (an actual trunk filled with items and mementos, etc.). I thought I was sooooo cool that day let me tell you! The night before, I had begged my mom to let me leave with her after she finished presenting the trunk to my class – aka get out of school 2 hours earlier than everyone else. My mom, being the nerd that she is, told me no I had to stay in class because I couldn’t just miss 2 hours of instruction. I begged her all night but she never gave in. So the day arrives for the big trunk show. My mom comes in and does the presentation as planned. I don’t really remember much about the presentation itself, just what happened afterwards. My mom came up to me and whispered in my ear that I was going to leave with her after all. I was so excited! All of my begging must have worn her down.

We hopped in the car. Looking back, I’ve tried to remember if I sensed anything was wrong at that point. Honestly, I have no memory. I don’t recall the car ride at all until we pulled up to a cemetery. She took me out of the car and we walked over to this little bench. I started crying – even at 8 years old I knew that something wasn’t right. By this point my mom was in tears. I started asking her about all of my relatives and saying “Is it Grandmom? Did she die?” I went on down the list of all the ‘old’ people who could have died. Then she finally said, “No honey. It’s your dad. He was killed in a car accident last night.” Memory fades from that point on. The next thing I clearly remember is the Priest at my dad’s funeral coming up to me and whispering in my ear, “You take care of your mother little girl, ok.”

As you can imagine (or maybe you’ve experienced something similar) losing my dad in such a tragic way at such a young age changed me, it changed who I would become. To be completely honest, I’m still not sure if it changed me for the good or for the bad. My dad wasn’t the greatest dad when he was alive. Lots of my memories with him involve him being drunk and/or acting irrationally and/or not following through with his promises. I’m no fortune teller but my guess is that those things would have only gotten worse as I grew up. Handling rejection as a six year old is tough but handling it as a 16 year old, in my opinion, would have been even tougher. Losing my dad meant that I didn’t have to experience having a ‘deadbeat dad’ for my adolescent and adult life. In some strange way, I feel like his death saved me a lot of anguish and heartbreak. I got to mourn his loss and it was a hard and fast reason for him not being around – sure it’s hard when people ask about my dad to have to tell them he’s not alive but it’d be even harder if I had to make an excuse for a dad who is alive but chooses not to be a part of my life.

Beyond anything else, the biggest lesson I learned from the entire experience was that life is too short. I can’t emphasize this enough. Life is too short to for us to spend even one minute of our day unhappy. And, yes, I’m not always the sunshine-iest person on Earth but I’ll tell you one thing you won’t find me wasting my time doing things that don’t make me happy (okay sometimes I waste my time on idiotic men but that’s another consequence of losing my dad so I’m saying these cancel each other out…). If I don’t like my job – I quit. If I’m at a lame party – I leave. If I’m friends with someone who is adding drama and negativity to my life – I end the friendship. If someone invites or asks me to do something that I don’t want to do – I say no. I don’t feel bad for putting myself first in my life. It’s my life and it could end any day. That’s a phrase I’m guessing we all say to ourselves but you’ll never really believe it until it happens to you.


Sunday, October 24, 2010

Bail, Bitchiness, and Booze

That pretty much sums up my weekend...lol. Ok, here are the actual details. Friday I'm texting with Russell on the way home and find out the gf has come by the house looking for the rest of Gavin's bail money. His bail was set Friday for $1000, so no Dog needed. :( Anyway, he hurried her home and told her to come back after 6:30pm when he knew I would be home and would have had wine time. (Sometimes I still really love him....haha.) Around 7pm, she showed up. Chloe answered the door for her. I was sitting on the couch holding my dinner plate on my lap and watching TV with the familiy. I reached over and shoved the envelope of cash toward her. She thanked me, I mumbled something, and then she apologized for the night before. I again mumbled something, not really taking my eyes off the TV. (She really hadn't started that porch thing with the neighbor, but she was still part of drama being at my house...not cool.) Then she got the hint and headed off but on the way out said...thank you guys again for helping him, you're angels. LOL, yeah sister...I'm an angel alright...now go spring my boy toy, bitch. (No, I didn't say it...I just thought it loudly.)
Around 12am, he calls me and tells me he's around the corner on the way home. Everyone was in bed, so he crawled into my bed and told me about his ordeal. We cuddled for a while, I blew him (since there was an adult in the house...damn rules) and then we went to sleep in our own beds.
Saturday night, Russell went out so it was just us. Gavin came home from working all day around 7:30 tore the fuck up. I've rarely seen him that drunk, but by now I've figured out how it goes. He sat and talked our ears off for a little bit, showered, and passed out. He woke up about 2 hours later and went and found us some recreational substances for play. We had a fun night, but by the time he got back I was tired and honestly I'm a little over his thing with porn right now too so I was kind of bored. The sex is still really great though and I love having it at my disposal. I've gotten laid a freaking ton since he moved in.
Sadly, it's PMS week and I'm being the bitch from hell. I was in a horrible mood yesterday and today. I hate this time of the month...I'm actually considering going to see a Dr. about it. Clark IMed me yesterday to see if I was free last night. I quickly told him I wasn't and signed off. I'm really trying to play it cool with him, but part of me misses him some too...a stupid part, but still a part.

Have I Landed a FWB?

What a freaking amazingly fun weekend I just had. One I greatly needed to distract me from the FJB madness (yep he’s back) and the weird ending of things with Twin.  Let’s hit the highlights shall we?  Then I need your advice.

Friday after work I was running a couple errands and headed over to Gwyn’s house for a little while and who should call… FJB.  We chatted for a few minutes about our weekend plans and he seemed really excited to tell me the job interview he had had that day and how well it went.  Before when we talked about the interview I didn’t ask a lot of details because I’m trying to keep some distance between us.  Just helps me keep a clearer head as far as he’s concerned.  So I finally asked where the job was.  It’s in freaking Massachusetts.  Yeah, guess it all makes sense now that he’s back wanting to hang out because there’s a real potential he’s moving 12 hours away so he doesn’t have to worry about being “attached.”  Whatever!

When I got to Gwyn’s house I filled her in and I thought I was going to hyperventilate from laughing so hard about it. Classic FJB. 

That night I headed out to see a friend’s band at what’s becoming one of my local haunts and to have some awesome girl time.  Me and my group of local girls hit the bar big time and nothing’s better on a girls' night out than a bunch of cameras. I think we took pictures with every single person in that bar.  And yet again I found myself riding the mechanical bull. Probably not the smartest thing ever to do with a semi-sprained ankle but it was well worth the show we put on.  After the crazy night of partying we ended back up at A’s house.  She’s my hair dresser and one of the sweetest and coolest girls I know.  Her friend Coco was in town (coco is not her real name, we all have bar names. Long story but mine is Princess Sasha Fierce just in case you’re wondering.) 

Coco and I had hit it off big time. Definitely girls cut from the same cloth.  Anyways, we were hanging out at A’s house for a while and SoCo texted me asking what I was up to.  Before I knew it me and Coco where heading back to my place to meet up with SoCo and his friend who randomly has the nickname Cheetah.  We had an awesome freaking late night that included a ridiculous amount of laughing, Coco passing out on my couch and me eventually putting her Ladybug’s bed, Cheetah army crawling down my hallway to go sleep in “the Lonely room” as we dubbed Leo’s room, and then yet another wild night of sex with SoCo that concluded about 7am. 

Eventually I dragged myself out of bed to take Coco home and then I hung out with SoCo and Cheetah for most of the afternoon.  After I detoxed a bit I headed back out with the girls for round two.  We did the “we’re with the band thing again” and damn if the night didn’t go freaking wild.  We ended up bar hopping a few different places and somehow assembling a group of about 10 guys who went everywhere we went.  The last place we went we ran into SoCo and his friend Cheetah again.  We ended up doing a late night at A’s place and they came back with us. 

When we got back to her place out came the damn peach moonshine.  Now we’d had a couple shots of it each before we headed out so there wasn’t much left except for the actual peaches in the jar.  Handy Miranda pulled out the peaches and started dicing them up and force feeding them to everyone around.  Eventually everyone was crashing so SoCo, Cheetah, and I headed back to my place.  I was freaking TOASTED as hell.  Between the moonshine, some recreational activities, several beers, and then those damn moonshine peaches I was as tore up as I think I’ve been in months.  It was crazy and hilarious.  SoCo and Cheetah said I was entertaining as hell.  The night ended of course with SoCo pouring me into bed and us having sex again until like 6 am.  Yeah, I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep this weekend. 

When we got up this morning, well afternoon, SoCo took Cheetah home and then came back to take me to get my car from A’s house.  On the ride over he asked what I was doing this afternoon and I told him I’d be getting up close and personal with my couch and he did his damndest to persuade me to hang out with him, his brother, and his sister in law to watch football all afternoon.  Despite the fact I was as exhausted as I have ever been and despite the fact that I hate football, I turned him down on the basis of feeling like we were threatening our FWB status by hanging out with his family.

Here’s where I need your advice.  As I said a couple TMI Tuesday’s ago, I’ve not had a lot of success with any type of FWB relationship.  This summer when SoCo and I first started hanging out it definitely had FWB overtones then it got weird and we just went back to straight friends until maybe a month ago when he and I hooked up after a late night. 

So here we sit, having hooked up three times in 4 days and I’m hoping we haven’t violated some sort of FWB code of ethics.  What are the rules and regulations of a FWB situation?  I like SoCo purely as a friend. He’s fun to party with and have sex with but I’m so not looking for a relationship with him.  Maybe today he just wanted to hang out because I’m a super cool awesome girl (lol Jules) but being a girl I can’t help but wonder if he’s getting “feelings” which let me state again, I don’t want to have happen.  Sex and partying yes – relationship and feelings – no.  So give me some tips on navigating a FWB situation!


PS – I will say that by partying and being under the influence for a good portion of the last 48 hours I’ve had very little time to think of FJB which is a good thing.  Sadly, I don’t think living in an inebriated state is something I can continue to do – HA! 

Oh and still no word from Twin since he blew it with me.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Trouble in Paradise

Yesterday was such a clusterfuck of a day; I don’t even know where to begin. It started with Gavin and I having a big fight, our first actual fight in the time we’ve known each other. He was actually stupid enough to bring up the gf coming over to my house for BBQs. He said he just wanted things to be normal for him and for us to be all friends. Clearly the man is stupid and I think he got that after I yelled at him for about 30 minutes.  

I told him that I think she’s a horrible person and that no way in this lifetime will I ever be around her socially nor will she ever be around my daughter…ever. I threw all kinds of stuff back at him, like I’ve let him move into my house and I’ve asked nothing from him except for this one thing.  I told him I don’t equate sex and love and that I’m not in love with him, but I was shocked he would ask for the 2 of us to intermingle given the circumstances. Anyway, in the end I told him I was NOT going to continue to have this conversation either and unless he really wanted to piss me off, he should drop it immediately. He agreed…he’d never seen that side of me and I think it really took him by surprise. I’m a very nice, easy going person until you make me mad. Honestly ya’ll, it has nothing to do with my relationship with him. (Ok, well maybe a little in that no one has their gf and their mistress together…duh.) It really just is about the kind of person that she is, which is bad from what I keep hearing about her from various people.

So, I left for school and during the day I cancelled my date with the guy I was going to see. I’ve just decided I have way too much going on in life to start something else right now.  Also during the day because Miranda says I’m becoming an emotional cutter too, I texted Clark and apologized for last week. In all honesty, it was pretty much my fault and what I did was stupid. He tried to get me to come over last night, but in the end I bailed on that. I’ve texted with him some today, but I don’t know…I know it’s a ridiculous thing. I just can’t seem to quit him (extra points if you get the reference…lol).

On the way home from my very long day at school, Gavin calls me. He tells me he’s getting arrested and asked me to help him with bail. He said he had part of it, but probably not all of it. Then he calls back and says maybe he’s not getting arrested and he’ll let me know. I said I would come get him if he did. In the interim, my neighbor Mel came over and told me I’m stupid if I get him out. She said he needs to be responsible for his actions, sit in jail for a while, and think about his life’s choices. I don’t necessarily disagree with her, but I’m a social worker…I’m a rescuer by nature. Here’s where it really gets bizarre. (Mel hates the gf by the way…important to note.)

As Mel and I are having wine on the porch and I’m deciding what to do, the gf pulls up at my house in Gavin’s truck (They were at the beach when he got picked up…thankfully this did not happen at my house.). She came by for three reasons – to drop off the dog, to let his son get his backpack, and to tell me that he had in fact been arrested. Well, Mel goes off on the gf as I’m trying to help the son get the dog out of the truck. She said if the gf would release the TRO that a lot of his problems would go away and that the gf is why Gavin is always in so much trouble (not untrue statements, but totally inappropriate delivery and timing). It got ugly…total white trash moment in which I have to say the gf actually took the high road. I attempted to tell them both to just stop it and then I went inside b/c it was just too much for me on top of everything else.  She leaves and Gavin calls me asking what had just happened. I told him he had bigger fish to fry, but that he needed to keep all of his drama OUT of my house. I told him I was on the way with bail in a few, as he was pulling into the police station. 

I convinced Mel to go with me for the ride under the condition that if the gf was there, she would NOT start anything else. She agreed and we went to the next town to get him out. We were informed upon our arrival that since he’s being charged with a felony that he’s moving to the downtown jail and that the detective has 48 hours to formally charge him and set bail. Incidentally I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this or not, but these charges are totally bogus. The problem is that he’s got legit charges pending for an assault on a guy at his house that was trying to hit on his gf (which the gf encouraged!). None of this in combination with her TRO and the pending TRO from the landlord is favorable to him, of course.  The cop said it’s going to be at least $11,000 and I’ll need to contact a bail bondsman if I don’t have that kind of money. I don’t, so now I get to learn about the world of bail. Good Times, folks….good times. I think I’m going to call Dog. Since we couldn’t bail Gavin out, Mel suggested we go to a bar before going home.  Reluctantly, I agreed. 

We ended up in the only bar near the jail, which happens to be a strip club. I’ve never in life been in a viler place. The strippers were gross. One had the worst teeth and the smallest tits I’ve ever seen…when she got off stage and got dressed, her shirt read “I like to get drunk and hump things”.  The next girl was fat. All of them were chunky, but this chick was just fat. My favorite was this cute black chick. She kept kind of hitting on us. A lot of them got off stage and came to talk to and hug us…it was weird. Meanwhile, Mel is trying to convince the Korean ladies that run the joint to let her dance. She apparently was a stripper in her younger, thinner days and wanted to relive it. They wouldn’t let her because you have to have a card to perform in HI, so she proceeded to feel me up to the music.  I’m actually thinking going to Clark’s last night would have been a better idea. 

Things should be fairly quiet around my house for the next few days at least. Gavin gave me the wrong number for the gf, or I was tipsy and wrote it down wrong (both plausible scenarios)…so I’m going to try and track her down I guess to work to get him out when we can. Ugg, I don’t want to interact with her at all…but I also don’t want to leave him in jail because I dislike her as a person. Anyone want to weigh in??

Friday, October 22, 2010

Porn Fest

Things continue to roll along smoothly at the homestead. This move has actually gone really well thus far. Gavin cooks amazing meals for us. He said the other day he and Russell had a nice conversation about him being here and Russell told him he appreciates not only the way he treats me, but Chloe and himself as well. I’m having fun with him here too. He’s a nurturer and it’s nice having someone willing to do things for me again. For example, he does a lot of little things around the house to help me like changing out the laundry, hanging things, moving things around, carrying my groceries in without being asked. Russell will do those, but it’s always after I’ve asked…very little initiative.

Tuesday night was like a full on porn fest. We went at it for a good long while over the course of the evening. Russell has been working insane hours since Saturday, so we’ve had a lot of free time together. The more time I’m spending with Gavin, the more I’m seeing his freaky side. Clark’s was right there on the surface, but Gavin’s is eeking out. Tuesday in the midst of the things, he asked if he could try to fist me. He said he’d never done it before, but wanted to try it. I said yes, since I’ve let Clark try it before and while it’s not necessarily what I would call the most comfortable thing, it’s really intense and lends itself to some strong reactions. He got most of the way in and then abruptly stopped saying he didn’t want to stretch it out, because he likes other things being inside of it too much and the way I feel.

Gavin’s laying low and not leaving the house much until his court stuff is resolved, so I suspect this crazy amount of together time will reduce as soon as he feels free to drive around again. Sometimes I need a break from him too – like Tuesday morning. I can only hear him complain so much about the gf and his current life situation. He says he has to stay on her good side until after the court stuff resolves because she was a witness, but then again this is the same woman that still has a restraining order on him so I personally don’t trust her, but then again she’s not testifying on my behalf. (Have I mentioned that I can objectively say she sucks as a human being?)

He commented that I’ve been staying home a lot lately, meaning that I’ve not been spending the night out like I had been. Since I’m over Clark, this is true…but I have a date this week. I hope it goes smoothly with him, because he’s jealous when I’m out yet he’s not willing to break up with the gf and try to officially date me either and while intellectually he knows this, I think it’s hard emotionally for him. What I’ve found interesting with him being here is how often he comments on how drama free my life is (isn’t that something??) in comparison to the gf’s life.

Some days I’d give about anything for a crystal ball.


The Cheese Stands Alone

Wednesday night my family all got together for dinner and the wine was flowing in copious amounts. During dinner, I was caught in a texting tidal wave as I was getting texts from this random new guy, Twin, and College Crush. Then good old SoCo started texting me. He requested the honor of my presence (his words not mine LOL) after I was done with dinner and I definitely was up for a little late night fun so I agreed.

So after dinner, my mom drove me home and I thought for half a second about asking her to just drop me off. LOL My mom taking me on a booty call! I didn’t, of course, and I headed over there myself. We just chilled for a while and talked. Recently I had told him about my dad’s suicide and SoCo has lost someone that way so we’ve had this odd little bonding thing going on lately from that. We just listened to music and chatted for a while. He did reveal to me exactly how much of a party boy he is. Apparently if I ever have any recreational activity I want to get involved in, either he has it or he has access to it. I’ll file that one away for future reference.

Anyways eventually, we sojourned into the bedroom and had some pretty hot sex for lord only knows how long. I do know we went through three condoms if that’s enough to pique your imagination. HA! Tidbit – I shared with Jules that this was the first time I’d went down on SoCo and he had an unusual request. As I was doing my thing, he asked if I’d use my teeth a little. Interesting….I’m so used to doing everything I can to keep my teeth away from a guy’s Johnson but apparently SoCo likes a little friction. It was different but fun! I think we finally passed out about 4 am and then it was up at 7:30 and off to work like a good girl.

So back to the original story, last night I was supposed to hook up (in the figurative sense not literal) with SoCo and my guy group of friends but I was beat down. So I laid my lazy ass on the couch and enjoyed the peace and quite of my empty apartment in the most Gwyn-ilicious way. During my peace and quite, Twin was texting me. He’s in Charleston for work. We talked a little bit and before I had even told him I was not going out after all, he suggested I stay in because he only wants me going out with him. WTF? It really struck me as wrong and the whole “not hanging out with friends” was a huge issue for Duckie and me.

I ignored him for a little while after that and then he said he was just feeling very possessive of me. I quickly set him straight by saying that was exactly what I meant when I said he has issues to work on. I also told him I have a lot of freaking friends whom I spend a lot of freaking time with and that was never going to change. He either had to be ok with it or show himself to the door. I also reminded him that this “friends” issue was a huge one in my marriage.

He didn’t reply for about 20 minutes at which point I imagine he was laying in a fetal position on the floor of his hotel room sobbing at my reaction. Finally, he did reply with some dumb BS trying to change the topic. I commenced ignoring him again. More text came in. Finally, I suggested that perhaps this was not the best time for us to being having our overnight mountain trip. He concurred at first and then started this self-pity “I don’t know if there’s anyone out there for me” “I’m lonely” “I can’t help the way I feel” crap and I have no tolerance for that crap and have told him that more than once.

He continued to text me after that but I pretty much wasn’t answering. I finally got tired of his texts and told him I was going to bed. I suggested he get divorced, get himself straight, and then call me in 6 months. Haven’t heard from him since.

In other news, on the way to the family dinner Wednesday night freaking FJB CALLED me. We talked for a little while and he suggested we get together soon. We emailed a couple times yesterday but no plans have been set. In my irate frame of mind men-wise, I’m really not pursuing anything with him. I know even trying to be friends with him is not going to work for me so I’m doing my damndest to let him go.

This weekend is wide open. I wonder what trouble I’ll get in to…


Thursday, October 21, 2010


So yesterday I was texting with Jules on my way home, yes I’m one of those damn people who text and drive. I know, I know – it’s very dangerous. Does it make it any better if I tell you I can text without looking at the keypad?

Anyway, I was texting with her and I blew my own mind thinking about how different my life was a year ago. A year ago, I sat in this same office, typing on the same computer I’m typing on now, but my life was entirely and completely different in so many ways.

Jules and I had not fully reconnected yet. We kept up via email and Facebook but nothing like we do now. I swear I don’t think we have gone one single day without talking in one way or another in as long as I can remember.

I had just met Gwyn and at that point, I was pretty determined not to like her because she got the job I wanted one of my good friends to have. Lord knows how I survived my first 33 years without her in my life.

Josie and Dave were the crazy friends from my youth that I couldn’t believe got married and I doubted I’d ever see them both in person again (much less spend mucho days at the pool drinking it up with them). I will never be able to give them enough props for VOLUNTEERING to help me move. They are just ridiculously amazing people, for reals!

I was “happily” married with absolutely no sex life what so ever and I was faking many more orgasms than I ever actually had. Since March, I’ve almost doubled the number of sex partners I’ve had in my life and had way more orgasms than I probably had in the 12 years Duckie and I were together.

My dad was alive (Debbie Downer wha-whaaaaa). Incidentally, the one-year anniversary of his death will be November 2. Prepare yourself for some poignant posts around that time.

I didn’t know the 30 or so new friends I’ve made that entertain me endlessly day and night now, and who are actually really good friends who I could call up at any hour of the day for any kind of help and they’d show up.

I was just beginning to realize that I had a massive crush on my neighbor, Sawyer, but I swore I’d never cross the line with him. Now I endlessly torture him about the fact that I’m single and refuse to inconvenience myself just to see him.

My my my how things have changed in a year. What’s even crazier is that it just took me four short months to make those changed. I told Duckie mid-November that I thought we were done and then moved out at the beginning of March. I know I’m a decisive person but damn that’s some fast movement! Looking back, I feel like I don't even know the person I used to be.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

TMI Tuesday Q&A

You can't get enough of us can you? Gwyn will add her answers later as she's currently offline. This was lifted off http://tmituesday.blogspot.com/.

Commando: Sexy or disgusting? Do you have a "best" commando story?
It depends - I usually come home and change into commando. I like it when guys are commando too because I hate trying to free their hard cock from a tight pair of underwear. Best commando story ever? Hmmm...probably recently where Gavin just reaches over at night on the couch and starts rubbing the kitty while I watch TV. I honestly can't think of any "best of" tales for this.- Jules
Overall, commando is sexy.  Though I only go commando in skirts and dresses.  In pants it feels too weird.  I used to go commando a lot when I was seeing Sawyer.  My "best" commando story is when I met up with Sawyer in the parking lot at a local mall and we got it on in his truck.  Just pulled the skirt right up and climbed on.  No muss, no fuss. - Miranda
I almost always go commando - unless it's HNT and we're showing panty lines. So, that being said I have to vote 'sexy'. In my experience, guys LOVE it too. I can't really think of a best story but I will say that not wearing panties comes in handy more times than you may realize.... - Gwyn

Foreplay: Is there such a thing as too much?
Yes, I'm not big on foreplay. I much prefer penetration to anything else. I'll do it, but I'm really just waiting for the good stuff. - Jules
I personally love foreplay. I love the anticipation period before the penetration, as Jules puts it.  The thrill of the unknown, of getting so worked up you feel like you're going to explode, that's good stuff there.  Usually the only guys I cut short on the foreplay are guys I don't really like and just want to have sex with. - Miranda
Definitely. My opinion is almost exactly that of Jules'. It's kind of like whipped cream on my latte - if it's there I'll enjoy it but if not I won't miss it at all. Now if only I could order my sex with no whip cream......-Gwyn

Oral sex: Good if you are getting? Good is you are giving? Equally ewwwww?
I like it both ways. I love to give it, because if you're good at it you can get a man to do just about anything for you. I like getting it, but only if I'm being fingered at the same time because as I just mentioned I'm big on the actual penetration part. - Jules
Equally!  Though for years I said I didn't like to give it.  Apparently that only applies to giving it to Duckie.  I bet in the 12 years we were together I didn't give it to him more than 25 times.  I almost feel bad about that.  Hopefully his new girlfriend is taking care of that for him now! If a guy is giving it to me though and it's not good, I put the kibosh on it quickly. - Miranda
For me it's all about the guy I'm with. If I like the guy (and he is well groomed) I love love love giving it. If the guy knows what he's doing then I also love receiving. However, if his private area has never seen a razor and/or his idea of oral sex is just licking aimlessly like a damn puppy then I'll pass. -Gwyn
Orgasm: Is one per night enough or does the first one just get your motor running?
Um, the 1st one is just a tease...you better keep them coming. I can cum as long as a guy can go. - Jules
One puts a smile on my face.  Two, three, four make me comatose, in a good way.  - Miranda
One per night is usually plenty for me. I have an issue with over stimulation lol (I know, I'm full of issues)- Gwyn

Morning sex: "Oh hell yes!", "Well if I have, too." or "Just get in the shower and go to work."
Oh hell yes, I love sex period...morning, noon, night. I guess that's fairly obvious by now though. ;) - Jules
Oh hell yes!  What better way to start the day? - Miranda
Yes please. - Gwyn
Have you ever had anonymous sex? Have you ever had an orgasm without at least knowing your partner's last name?
More times than I can count...I guess that's why I don't know my actual number. I have had sex with plenty of people that I didn't know their last names and a few where I'm not really sure of their true first names. There was a kid in high school named "Cornbread". I'm pretty damn certain his mama didn't name him that. - Jules
Anonymous no.  Though there are a few guys along the way that I can't remember their names now.  Oddly enough, much like with this blog, I've always given my boys nicknames so I at least know their nickname.  I think I've known the majority of their last names though there are definitely some I don't. - Miranda
I'm not sure what constitutes anonymous but I've definitely had sex with guys whose last names I didn't know. I've had a handful of one night stands, ok maybe two handfuls. -Gwyn

Diagnosing Miranda

So over the last week or so Jules, Gwyn, and I have been laughing at the realization that you get what you give. Yeah, breaking news there. What we mean is that obviously we are all attracting guys with similar qualities over and over and over and over. Gwyn gets the assholes, Jules gets the sex freaks, and I get the emotional gimps. Clearly, we are putting out some of the same qualities at these guys and that’s why we keep ending up with them. Even when Gwyn and I switched personalities, ultimately we ended up with the same guys yet again.

Now obviously Jules is a sex maniac so she knows her “flaw” though how being a sex freak is a flaw is beyond me. Gwyn readily admits that she has problems opening up to people and she knows she pushes guys away. So what’s my deal?

Yes, I’m a little ADD about boys. Whoever is in front of me at the moment is winning the Miranda Olympics. And I’ve said more than once in the past I have a need for attention though I’ve made great strides in that arena since Gwyn’s non-initiating contact challenge. Other than that, I really don’t feel like I have some “issue” that I need to fix to attract different guys.

Gwyn challenged me yesterday to think about all the guys I’ve dated and see what qualities they have in common. One clear thing that jumps out is many of them, especially the ones I liked the most, tend to not really know what they want. They say they want a relationship but they also have a love affair with their freedom. I can definitely see that quality in me though I will readily admit (because if I don’t admit it Gwyn will call me on it) that with the right guy I’d be locked down in a relationship already (re: Flyboy or FJB or even Lawyer Boy).

Side note – to further illustrate my relationship issues I offer up exhibit A – Hot Chocolate – great guy, great with kids, no baggage, gainfully employed, pursing me like crazy, and hotter than hell yet I’m not interested in dating him. This is a picture he sent me yesterday; he’s doing his damndest to break my reserve not to be further involved. Yes his body is that sick.  Feel free to drool…

What else my past boys have in common, I’m not sure of. So diagnose Miranda! Tell me what I’m not seeing here. You read the blog. You hear my stories. You know my thoughts. I want to know what you think my issues are. Feel free to be candid! Like you ever hold back anyways – LOL!


Won't You Be My Neighbor?

It's another day in the neighborhood, won't you please be my neighbor?

Ok, I date myself but I loved Mr. Rogers. So my new hood is rolling along nicely...I came home today to my new dog greeting me at my car, kids on my porch, and Gavin getting up to get me a glass of wine as I walked into the door. Then, the man did homework with my daughter. Homework is my least favorite time of the day and he totally rocked it. It was hilarious listening to him with her, but super cute too. I'll say it again...it doesn't suck to be me right now.

I had to give Gavin some tough love tonight though and admittedly he took it better than expected. He continues to whine about what a horrible gf the gf is...I finally laid it out. I told him that I thought 99.9% of his current problems could in fact be traced back to her, that she's a toxic human being, etc, etc. (He did kind of ask...) I explained that I can actually remove myself and say this in an objective manner (hence why I'm so good at social work...I'm very objective regardless of how I feel about the people involved in a situation).  It was an interesting evening. He made some yummy spaghetti and all the neighborhood kids ate with us. I'm happy to report that as of this morning, I've actually lost 1.2lbs since he moved in...I don't know how (must be loss of bodily fluids).  We hung out and talked a lot and then Russell came home and the two of them smoked it up for a while. Who would have ever thought those two would be smoking together? I'd have laid money down a few months ago that never, ever in this lifetime would that occur. It's a good thing I'm not a betting woman.

In other boy news, I finally heard from Clark today. We had a very brief (because I signed out) IM exchange that he initiated and I basically ended saying in so many words that he'd fucked it up this time and I was essentially done. I'm sure it's not the very end, but I'm over it (I pretty much mean it this time...I'm tired of his shit...tired of the games...tired of the limbo).  I have a date Thursday night with this guy I had an affair with last year too. He's a really cute guy, but he's super short and has the smallest dick I've ever seen on a guy, yet strangely he was able to make me cum  a lot. I'm NOT meeting him for sex, but rather for drinks at a bar in town. Sometimes a little distraction can be fun. Of course, Owen emailed me tonight to tell me he's free tomorrow, finally. I've already lined Gavin up to do some things with me, but I'm wondering if I can sneak away...I did mention that telling Clark I'd told Owen about him was all a set up right? I'd never cut Owen lose over some guy until we were like moving in with each other (and no, Gavin doesn't count...he has his own room).

Monday, October 18, 2010

Boy Meets Girl

I’m grumpy about boys. Imagine that! HA! In all seriousness, I am a little over the whole trying to figure out what I want thing. Thanks to damn Venus and this weird contemplative period, I’ve been in the last month or so, I’m a little weary of being inside my own mind. Life was ever so much more tolerable when I was being a slut.

Why can’t it be easy like in the movies?

Girl meets Boy’s eyes from across a crowded room. Boy is instantly struck by Girl’s beauty while admiring Girl’s obvious intellect. Boy approaches Girl. Boy asks Girl out. Girl accepts and effortlessly throws together an awesome date outfit. Boy and Girl have awesome first date. First date turns to second date and then fifth dates, etc. Boy and Girl get married and live happily ever after.

I mean really. Is that too much to ask? Instead, it’s more like...

Girl sees Boy across room. Girl stares at Boy, Boy stares at Girl, Girl averts gaze as to not appear too available. Boy leaves. Two weeks later, Girl sees Boy again. Girl stares at Boy, Boy stares at Girl, Girls stares back. Boy finally gets up nerve to talk to Girl. Boy is stupid and inane or emotionally inept and rude. Girl makes excuses for Boy. Girl and Boy go out and have fun. Boy says he will call girl and doesn’t. Girl can’t decide if she’s supposed to text Boy or email Boy or facebook Boy or hell there are too many ways to communicate. Girl tries to forget about Boy. Two more weeks later, Boy calls girl. Boy’s supposedly been busy. Boy asks Girl out in a round about way that makes the Girl feel like she asked Boy out. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Now Boy and Girl are in this pseudo-relationship way of hanging out but having no commitment. Girl goes insane trying to figure out Boy and moves to Cuba to live in a Convent.

Random boy updates – Twin seems just fine since our conversation on Friday; I take this to mean he doesn’t believe me when I say neither of us are ready for a relationship. Sawyer keeps emailing and emailing and emailing me. He actually had the audacity to call me yesterday “just to hear my voice” since we’re so near our one year anniversary (AS IF!!!!). College Crush is back to trying to get on my good side but that bridge is burned my friends. And last but not least Hot Chocolate texted me several times this weekend to say how much he looked forward to seeing me when I pick up Leo and how “it has been so hard for him to stay away from me because he can’t stop wanting to be with me.”


A New Room

This roommate thing is really working out for me so far. I think he may just be the best roomie ever. I woke up this morning to him sweeping the house. Once he saw I was awake, he brought me coffee...in bed. Holy Crap...even if there were NO sex involved, he'd still be awesome. Now I say that and I must clarify that I'm not developing any deeper feelings...it's just so nice to be taken care of for the first time in a long time. Russell certainly did an excellent job of taking care of me financially (and still is) and cooking, but he quit doing these kinds of things years ago. After coffee, he helped me move some stuff around the house and then he washed all three of our cars. (Didn't I just say it? Perfect roommate...)

We took some separate time today. He took his son out and I went and studied at the beach for hours. We met back up at the house tonight and after Chloe went to bed, we were watching TV (I've watched more TV this past week than I have in months...but it's where things seem to get started these days). During the end of Dateline, he started getting a little frisky and put some porn on the laptop. He asked me if I wanted to go into his room and fuck since he hadn't tried that room out yet. I hadn't tried that room yet either, so now I've gotten laid in all 4 of our bedrooms...3 of them with him. (Yes, I'm a horrible person and had sex with Mormon Boy in July in my daughter's bed when Miranda visited...so ahead and issue my scarlet letter.) The only room left is the kitchen.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Day 1: Harboring a Felon

This morning started out like any other Saturday morning...I woke up to coffee made (ha...yeah right). Ok, in this crazy alternate universe I now live in that actually did happen, and I didn't have to make it. Gavin is proving to be an excellent roommate. From this point on though, it kind of went downhill until later in the evening. He tried to go get the rest of his belongings and could not. This ended up being a good thing because on such short notice he couldn't find any help and needed the gf's truck. He asked if she could come over and I agreed to this one emergency situation...awkward! Fortunately, it didn't pan out and I get to go another day without crossing paths with her.

We decided to go grocery shopping a few hours later and on the way, he wanted to stop at the police station to see if he could do anything to counteract his current crazy landlord situation.  As it turns out, there's a pending felony charge out on him. As he's sitting down to start writing out a statement about his landlord harassing him, the police start acting all weird. I asked him if he had any old charges lingering and he said he didn't...yet something didn't seem quite right. Sure enough, the police emerge and kind of surround him. They start telling him that he's going to be arrested as soon as the landlord identifies him because the guy filed (totally bogus) terrorist threatening charges when he did the TRO and the case is sitting on a detective's desk or they would pick him up now. It was a ridiculous situation and finally Gavin started getting agitated and I intervened. I asked the officer  if he was free to leave and once he said yes, I quickly herded Gavin out to the car in an effort to avoid further problems.

So not only in addition to the TRO his stupid, whore gf has on him (which she has not fully agreed to drop today in spite of his almost begging her to do so and on top of the other things he's facing) and the other pending assault charges, now he's got this on his plate. Man, oh man can I pick them or what?? We were discussing our situation today and he made some offhand joking remark about hoping I don't fall in love with him. I totally snorted and told him not to worry.  LOL, now I fully plan to keep fucking him...but fall in love, no thanks. We fooled around some on the couch tonight (this being after he steamed me crab legs for dinner and made fettuccine alfredo from scratch).  I do love the food...I'm just in lust (hot, hot lust) with the felon chef.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Interesting Op-Ed on Marriage...

Just wanted to share a link with everyone, I found this interesting:


Not in much of a blogging mood today.....have a close friend with a very sick little baby and it's making all of this seem a little insignificant to me right now. I'll be back though, just need to process for a couple of days : )


Moving Day

Well today ranks right up there with one of my stranger days in life. Although Gavin and I have been talking about him moving in all week, it didn't really occur to me that it would actually happen...yet it has. I got a call about 8:30am from him saying that his former landlord had evicted him effective immediately and he needed to know if he could start moving stuff in ASAP. I said he could, reminded him he had a key, and told him to get to it. Then I texted Russell, who had apparently planned to use the house for sex today...he was quite displeased with me but ultimately I told him I wasn't asking his permission since he'd already approved Gavin moving in, but pretty much saying that he's coming now.  It didn't go over well, but he seemed to get over himself in the end.
I must report that so far, so good. I got home from work today to chaos in my house, but chaos happens when you move....so I went and sat on my porch and had some wine. Russell and Bob joined me and Gavin showed up about 15 minutes later and grilled us some freaking delicious steaks. (I'm worried I may gain 25lbs with him living here. Good god the man can cook!)  We chilled on the porch and eventually all went in and watched TV. Bob left, Russell went to bed, and Gavin passed out in his new room all by 9:15pm...lol, big fun. Gavin woke up about 10pm and came back out to watch TV with me and to get a blow job since we're not allowed to have full on sex in the house with Russell home. Thankfully, Russell closes the next 3 nights!
It should be an interesting weekend...hell, it should be interesting around here from now on. My ex and my FWB all living under one roof. It's a non-traditional arrangement to say the least.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Dodging a Bullet

Twin has been very “normal” and appropriate since we popped the cherry on our relationship Monday night. So yesterday morning I was enjoying my commute to work with me and Ladybug jamming out to a little Eminem, don’t worry it was the radio edited versions. I sent off a funny text or two to Gwyn and Jules about this and then decided to send one to Twin. I said, “Me and ladybug are jamming to Eminem. Does this make me a bad mom or an awesome mom?” He replied, “LOL I’ll have to think about that. But you’re an awesome girlfriend.” Holly hell! He dropped the G bomb!

I ignored that text entirely and proceeded to hyperventilate. Once I was at work, Twin and I were emailing like normal and randomly were talking about how he had changed the locks on his house the night before. I said one of the reasons I chose to live in an apartment and on the third floor as a single woman was because there was only one way in and one way out. His reply, “Well you weren’t single Monday night!” Eeeeeek!!!!

Again, I ignored and hashed this all out with Gwyn. She suggested I wait until after work to bring up the G bomb but I couldn’t wait. I ended up emailing him casually and asking what he meant by the girlfriend comment. Here’s the email exchange…

Miranda – What did you mean by the awesome girlfriend thing?
Twin – Nothing in a possessive way.
Miranda – Cool
Twin – You’re not looking for anything serious are you?
Miranda – Honestly, I don’t know what I’m looking for. What are you looking for?
Twin – I really don’t know either. I’m scared to put my heart on the line anytime soon. I hope I didn’t disappoint you Monday night.
Miranda – Twin, you didn’t disappoint me.
Twin – I’d ultimately love to have a girlfriend who would respect me for who I am. Who is attractive, professional, mature, and will understand my slightly different ways.
Miranda – “Your slightly different ways” You crack me up.
Twin – Suddenly I feel quite lonely, but ok.
Miranda – What? You feel lonely?
Twin – I guess I was feeling a little more possessive than I let on, but it’s cool.
Miranda – Are you trying to say you want something more?
Twin – Something in me is leaning towards that, especially after Monday night. It’s been years since I’ve been treated with respect and love, so I’m feeling a little vulnerable.
Miranda - (crafted with great input from Gwyn) Twin, I like you and I enjoy spending time with you greatly. I would like to continue seeing you to see what might develop but I know I still have a lot of issues to deal with before I will be ready to commit to anyone again in any way. I also think you need to make peace with your life the way it is now before you can consider being in a relationship with me or anyone else. From things you say, you are still so hurt by your divorce and have so much anger about it. I can’t fix that, I can’t change that, and I can’t take that on because I have issues of my own to tackle. I am not saying that to hurt your feelings or make you feel lonely but that’s the reality of our situations.
Twin – I want to continue seeing you too, and yes, we have a lot of issues to take care of our own. You hit the nail on the head and well written at that. I understand and agree BABY.

Yeah, I don’t know that he really gets what I was saying. Hell, I’m not entirely sure what I was saying other than that I do like him but I am not ready to be his girlfriend. He texted like normal last night and this morning so at least it was a no harm, no foul situation. We’ll see how this continues. I was talking to Gwyn about it and she slam dunked me back into reality when I said I wasn’t sure that I was ready to be with any one person and she gave me the verbal smack down as only a good friend can and essentially said, “Bullshit! If it was FJB or Flyboy you’d have jumped at the relationship in an instant.” Sometimes it sucks to be good friends with people who know you so well LOL!

In other news, my horoscope said I’d get an unexpected note from someone I hold near and dear to my heart today and guess who emailed me this morning…. FJB. Yeah, I’m still stupid about him. SoCo has been texting me like crazy all day yesterday and today. Just funny, friendly texts but I wouldn’t be surprised if I get a booty call from him this weekend. Too bad I won’t be able to do anything about that since it’s my weekend with the kids. To round out my Team Miranda tidbits, this morning taking Leo to school whom did I see, Sawyer. I swear he’s so toxic to me but he still makes me hotter than hell. Fortunatley we were both trapped in the car pool line so there was no interaction other than some eye contact.


Just When You Think It's Safe...

Ok, so last night I went to Clark's after school. We had super intense sex and collapsed. He held my hand for a long time afterward and finally we rolled over to sleep. Gavin had called me about 4pm to tell me that he and his son were hanging at my house, but he was going home to sleep that night. I thought I was "safe" from having to reveal my whereabouts. I was wrong. He inquired several times today about my whereabouts last night until I finally declared "Enough".
I left Clark's this morning with a very long, sensual kiss and thinking the universe was good for Jules Appreciation Day. Last night felt like we connected on new ground...apparently break up ground. Around 1pm, I texted him and told him I'd told Owen about him. It was a total setup and I guess I get what I get for doing it, but I was testing the waters since Gavin is back to moving in. I thought I would put Owen up as the sacrificial lamb since we've seen precious little of each other lately anyway. Clark's response was less than noteworthy and when I pushed him to explain I got N-O-T-H-I-N-G. I know I shouldn't be surprised, but I was a little.
Gavin called me shortly thereafter and told me to come meet him at one of our local bars so he could buy me some drinks for Jules' Appreciation Day. He said he'd come by this morning to take me to the beach, but I wasn't home. (I had to go pick Russell up from the airport.)  Anyway, I did just that and met him at a bar and we had a delightful afternoon. When we left the bar, we went to our local grocer and stocked up on wine and beer and dinner. He came home and cooked Russell and I an amazing meal. It's going to be fun living with him. He's just got good energy...in comparison to Clark, who SUCKS.
I don't know Clark's issue today, but unless he's under a jail cell there really is NO excuse for his lack of response and essentially is the answer from the universe I was seeking. Thank you, Venus.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Playing House

I woke up yesterday with that wonderful, happy, content feeling of “it doesn’t suck to be me right now”.  Gavin came over Tuesday afternoon and sat with me on the porch (with his pants zipped this time) and had a few beers. We’ve discovered that we actually like hanging out with each other. Before when I used the term FWB, it was less friends, more benefits. I mean we liked each other, but we’re really getting to know each other right now on a whole new level.  Chloe drew a picture of our family while we were hanging out and came out to show us and he asked her to draw him in…lol. Miranda says he’s angling to be my pt husband now. Anyway, I took Chloe to hula and he asked if he could stay and hang out until I got home.
When I arrived back at the homestead, he was there with our dinner plates ready. He heated everything up for us and I swear I may have fallen in love with him when I looked over and saw he’d cut up Chloe’s chicken. The night before, he had sort of snorted at me when I did it for her and I told him she’s my baby and I baby her…so deal with it.  It’s funny how the little things make you go “hmmmm”.  He had already eaten because we get back late on Tuesday nights, but joined us at the table while we ate. Playing house with him has become a little surreal…it will be interesting to see how this looks when Russell gets back.
After dinner, I put Chloe to bed and we watched a movie. I thought he would go home afterwards, but the gf called and he told her he was staying at my house (weird…). She doesn’t know that we’re fucking, but I’m worried it’s a matter of time the way he keeps going out in public with me. He’s already told her that we’re cool people though and that she better not fuck this up for him.  I told Josie yesterday that I clearly have feelings for both Gavin and Clark, but Gavin isn’t an option right now so I keep it under wraps. Plus, I’m a little torn…they both have their pros and cons.

So, he stayed and we sat up until 1am watching another movie. We alternated just laying together on the couch with our legs intertwined and then he moved so his head with in my lap. His dog laid with us on the couch (and let me assure you she’s the ONLY dog that has ever been on furniture in my house) and it was just a nice, cozy evening.  After the movie, he asked if he could sleep on the couch and I went to bed.  There was no sex, just us hanging out…again, surreal. I woke up yesterday morning with his dog looking at me before settling back onto the floor beside my bed.  
Yesterday morning he slept through us getting ready for work and school. I almost went back home after dropping Chloe off at school for a quickie, but I really needed to get to work somewhat on time so I scratched the idea. I also scratched the idea because I was going  to Clark’s house after school that night.  He’s been so good lately. I told him Tuesday that I missed waking up to his texts. Yesterday morning, I woke up to his texts, which made me smile.  He was obviously excited about me coming over.  He’s done a really great job of listening to the things I’ve said and then adjusting since our week split.