Love Triangle

I’m not exactly sure where to start this…it’s been a weird week and weekend. I’ve done something that will probably end up being a horribly stupid choice that may in fact result in some of my bffs flying here to kick my ass, but bear with me. I actually started to not post this for fear of them questioning my mental status, but here it goes. I caved…

Last Tuesday following the Mourning post, Clark sent me an IM (I’m not sure how because I thought I deleted him, but I guess simply deleting someone doesn’t block them.).  He asked why I had changed my phone number. I told him I thought I had to because he was being psychotic and wouldn’t stop harassing me. He apologized profusely for this and for his behavior.  We texted for 2 days straight about this and he maintained saying all of the right things. He kept telling me that he needs me in his life and that he loves me and is so sorry for pushing me away. So, I caved…I went to see him last Wednesday night and it was amazing.  Things went very well after that and he’s seemingly understanding my boundaries and is not texting me endlessly anymore, which is nice.  He wanted me to come back Friday night, but I couldn’t because I was on kid duty. Saturday, Chloe went to a friend’s house in the morning and stayed for a sleepover. I spent the whole time with him and again, it was awesome.

Saturday, I picked him up and we grabbed lunch and went to a nude beach. (I only went topless…I wanted to take off more, but it seemed weird even to me.) He refused to take off more because he’s apparently self conscious about the weight he’s gained. He has started working out every day again and swears he’ll be ripped again in 2 months. OMG when he’s fit, I really will be in trouble…his body is smoking. I digress…we left the beach and went to have sex and then he took me to dinner and a movie.  We went home, had more sex, slept, had more sex, and then ate breakfast together before I left to go get Chloe.  He was darling and charming the entire time. We talked a lot about this and us and everything. He asked a lot of questions about my marriage (specifically the end). He asked me what I would do if Owen got divorced and if I’d told him we were back together.  I replied honestly and told him that I hadn’t. Now, I haven’t seen Owen in weeks because of his wife’s schedule…but I told Clark that I’m just seeing where this goes this time before I cut the others. I did tell him that I’m not looking for Owen to get divorced, but even if he did I seriously doubt we would be together.  Of course Gavin called while I was hanging out with him, but he didn’t press the issue. 

I know full well that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I know I said I was done and that I was not giving him another chance. Honestly, I don’t know why I am…maybe I’m blinded by the sex and stamina of a 25 year old or maybe I really have feelings for him. I feel compelled to try this one more time. He told me this weekend that he thinks he’s Bipolar. While I’m not qualified to diagnose, I don’t disagree with this self assessment. We’ve talked about how I don’t do crazy and actually one day last week he was in a horrible mood and he just kept to himself. He texted me once or twice and told me why he was going MIA. If he can keep that kind of self regulation up, we’ll be ok.  I may be extremely naïve and stupid on this one, but I feel like my walking away from him sent a message and that his persistence in pursuing me is an indication of his feelings for me.  I’m open to your opinions, so feel free to let them roll..gently. 

This is going to be a really long post, but obviously a lot has been going on. Here’s an update on the Gavin situation. He was supposed to come over Friday night, but he didn’t.  (Clark does know I saw him during the time we weren't talking.) He was busy moving stuff and it got late. By Friday night, I’m exhausted so I wrote a paper for school and went to bed. We talked Saturday before I met up with Clark and then he called while I was with him, but I ignored that call. Yesterday he called in the morning and I told him I was free last night and tonight because of Russell’s schedule if he wanted to come over.  The next thing I know, he’s outside my house with some bikes and stuff for Chloe. I let him come up to the house and we hung out and drank a few beers and ate some lunch.  He asked about taking Chloe and I to the movies and dinner and I agreed. Then I started thinking about it and decided I better give Russell a heads up. OMG, I was ill prepared for the seething anger that followed. Russell flipped out that Gavin had stopped by and met Chloe (although they already knew each other, but whatever).  We had a huge text fight about it. In the midst of this, Gavin calls to see about our plans and I told him we couldn’t go…then he got pissy with me. The end result with Russell is that I told him he can’t dictate who my friends are and when they come over…he agreed (mostly because I started playing dirty and he realized I was going to make an issue out of some things he didn’t want to happen). 

Gavin got over being pissed and came back over after Chloe went to bed. I told him I’d smoothed things over, but I didn’t mention yet that Russell does want to meet him. I’m saving that for when the timing is right. That will be a funny post, I’m sure of it. Anyway, he came over high and just set himself in front of my computer. I studied and actually ended up kind of annoyed with him because I wasn’t high.  Finally, he came to bed and did some things to make me get over the annoyance. He said he was sorry that he came over that way, but it’s just been a weird weekend and he needed to get out of his head. I do actually understand that. He laid there with me for hours. We just cuddled and I slept on and off. He remarked on how much he enjoyed being in my bed and said he would like for us to spend the night together at times. I almost choked and commented that since early March (when the gf was out of the picture), he has not asked for that once (other than the hotel).  He said now that he’s not with her, he would like to do it again. I didn’t say much to this. Clearly I’m an idiot. I just fought this huge battle with Russell over having my friend over and now my friend is really seemingly wanting more than the FWB arrangement that we have had.  We even talked about Russell’s perception of our relationship being more than it is (FWB), but now that I replay that he didn’t say much during that conversation. I would lay money on Gavin and the gf getting back together, so I’m going to just ride this one out for now. 

-Jules

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