Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Maudlin Miranda

I warned you this was coming. This is the final week leading up to the anniversary of my dad’s death.  For you newbies, my dad committed suicide last November.  It was very sudden and unexpected and we’d only known he was depressed for a few days before it happened. 

I’ve been planning for this week. Thinking about it. Imagining it.  I’ve felt the tension, the worry, the anticipation building.  It’s not going to be a good, I know that much. But I’m hoping that the lead up to the actual day is worse than the actual day.

It’s hard to believe it’s been just shy of a year since my dad was here with me.  Lots of times I wonder what he thinks now.  What he’d say to me today. What he'd think of the choices I've made.  What he'd think of the woman I am today.

Last night when I went to bed, I was laying there with the windows open, listening to the night sounds and sadness just washed over me so unexpectedly.  I felt that crushing ache in my chest, the feeling of a literal hole in my heart that I carried around for months after he died.  For the longest time I would look down and realize I had one hand clutched at my chest like I was trying to cover up a hole or else hold myself together in one way or another.  I laid there in my bed, all alone, and cried for a good long time.

Today I woke up angry at the world. It was weird.  Rarely am I ever in anything but a good mood but today I would have gladly gotten in a fist fight if the opportunity arose.  That mood continued throughout the day and it was all I could do not to bite my coworkers heads off for the slightest infraction.  I feel sorry for the damage I’m going to do in the week ahead – haha. 

Then this afternoon I fell apart at work for a good 30 minutes.  I don’t know why. One minute I was fine and the next I was at my desk sobbing.  I hate crying at work!  Thankfully Gwyn reminded our boss that this week was going to be very touch and go for me.  I hope he’s prepared.

Tonight I had the kids for a little while so Duckie could help his girlfriend with something.  They were a good distraction. But after they left I felt incredibly self destructive – NOT IN A HURT MYSELF SORT OF WAY. No worries there my friends.  Just the impulse to do something destructive like get trashed or have stupid sex with stupid boys or tell people what I really think of them, burn bridges, etc was almost too much to resist. 

Thankfully I have the kids for this next week and I think I’ll be able to throw all that energy into being the uber-mom for the next week.  I do have some opportunities for trouble though. I’m bartending one night at a concert and then doing the Halloween thing with Ms. Gwyn this weekend – I’m being a sex therapist by the way. 

Bare with me these next few days friends.  Happy go lucky slutty Miranda is on hiatus and this weepy, self destructive, maudlin Miranda is being given free rein right now.


PS - I decided yesterday I was going on a sabbatical from boys.  I have too much of my own drama to figure out to worry about them right now.  Last time I took a sabbatical it only lasted about 48 hours. We’ll see if this one goes longer.  Regardless I need to clear my head and start fresh with Team Miranda.

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