Sunday, February 28, 2010


I forgot to update that I made up with the guy from the crazy post. I decided that he's a good person to know up here and ultimately you should keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Plus even though he totally came off WAY over the top and psychotic about it, his general sentiment was true. I know I'm playing with fire, I just don't care.
So, I introduced him to Russell last weekend b/c again, I think he's ok to have as a friend. I am not now nor will I ever be sleeping with him, but he's definitely in hot pursuit of it. I keep telling him to back off it, but he seems to enjoy the challenge of being told "No"...something I doubt happens to him often.
Last Saturday, Russell and I took Chloe and a friend of hers to the beach. Damien joined us there and we all hung out. It was fun and the next day Damien actually called me to see if Russell wanted to go surfing with him. They went out and had a great time, while I happily sat on the beach. Here comes the weird...sometimes my stories have a lot of backstory to them.
I'm going out tonight. This morning I told Russell that he couldn't go to the gym after work b/c he was on kid duty once he gets home. He was cool about it and asked if he could have someone over. I told him that was fine, but I wasn't planning on being out late tonight, so it would probably be better if he went out tomorrow night. So then, he texts Damien and asks Damien if he wants to come over and hang out tonight and drink some beers. I know this because Damien called me and asked me about coming over tonight, to which I replied "Sure you can, but I'm going out". This is the weird part...Russell knows I'm not into Damien sexually at all, but he knows Damien is totally into me that way. He knows I'm going out on a date tonight, so why would he invite him over on a night like tonight? I try to not think that the whole world revolves around me and that people don't have their own agendas for everything they do, but don't you guys think that's a little strange? I asked Russell about it and he says Damien is so not his type, alpha black male with weapons and all, and that he thought I wanted them to hang out...whatever, I don't care, it's just not what I expected.
In other weird Russell stuff, he's finally started doing some of the things that I've asked him to do for years...things like folding his towel neatly on the towel bar when he's finished b/c it looks nicer, making the bed when he gets up with the pillows on it and not just pulling up the quilt, turning his clothes right side in the laundry. Why would you start doing all of these things AFTER you agree to a divorce? Was he not doing them all these years just to piss me off? It's a strange time to become considerate all of a sudden.

A Tale of Too Many Men

I realized the other day that I never really finished the rest of the beginning story in relation to how my infidelity began. One day in August of 2007, I stumbled onto an Internet site for swingers. By stumbled, I mean I Googled it and then clicked on it. I created a profile initially for Russell and I as a couple, but then I was too afraid to talk to him about it. I knew he’d be into it, but I also knew that we were having such huge sex issues that it might push him further away (if that was possible). Adam was one of the first people to respond to my profile and we chatted some and met up at the end of August for what I have often referred to as my sexual reawakening. I was as nervous as a whore in church the day we met. I mean, panic attack kind of nervous, but he was kind and patient and horny enough to walk me through it and calm me down. We had great sex that day and this continued for about 4 or 5 months…then I found him posting ads on Craig’s List. I got super pissed and responded to this other guy, Jason, who had messaged me on the aforementioned swinger site. I forgave Adam fairly quickly, but I continued to see Jason as well. I was fortunate enough to have amazing chemistry with both of them. Both of them were married, so no concerns over developing emotional connections. We would meet in seedy motels and have hot porn style sex.
Jason and I started a hot and heavy fling as well. Here I was going from NO sex for months/years (I do not exaggerate) to having it twice a week with two different men. Now things did get weird with Jason just this past fall. I saw both men until we moved the following April to Hawaii. I’ve obviously kept in touch with Adam and we’re friends now. Jason was different. I kept in touch with him some, but not nearly as much. I still saw him when I would go home for visits. We hooked up in December 08 when I went home for Christmas and again in July 09 when I was back for a month. Then in November, we were IMing one day and he tells me that he has all these feelings for me and doesn’t know what to do with them. He went on and on about how he feels this connection, but he’s married and doesn’t want to leave her and understands that (at the time) I had no intentions of leaving my family. Then, he just disappeared…I’ve not heard a peep from him since. It’s very weird. I didn’t see him when I was home last time and he’s never, ever online anymore. I don’t have feelings for him in that way, but I did enjoy having some fun at home when I went for visits. ;) Although, Jason appears to have gobs of money and I have said that my next husband will be rich and amazing in bed. I may have to consider developing feelings for him. ;)Since moving to Hawaii, I've hooked up with several hotties here, but mostly just for a short fling or the previously alluded to threesomes with Russell and other guys.
I have a correction from the previous ‘China’ post. I’m getting old, so my memory sucks. My grandmother called my mother to ask if she had gotten her “sil-vah”. My grandmother is from Atlanta, so she does not pronounce her “R”s at the end of words. The crystal reference is this: My mother did leave her crystal and so she and my grandmother always referred to her ex-husband’s second wife (did you follow that one?) as “Crystal”. I thought that was her name until I was about 16 and finally learned it was something like “Helen”.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Friday Night Date Night

Oh my god, it's been like forever since I've dated. I went on one right after I got back from NC and it was nice, but not the same as this. I mean, I've had sex with several (read more than I should have...whatever) men over the past few years, but I haven't dated them. I met this CUTE guy on www.plentyoffish.com and we met out for drinks last night at a local bar in Haleiwa. We had a round and talking with him is pretty easy. For one, he loves to talk and loves to talk about himself. Secondly, I can pretty much talk to a brick wall. When the waiter came, we ordered another round and then the band started to set up. First dates in bars with bands is not ideal, so we decided to go buy a bottle of wine and sit on the beach with it.
We headed to my favorite beach (You guys remember the paradise post? It's THAT beach). We sat there and drank the whole bottle of wine before he ever made a move to touch me...at all. It was kind of weird. I thought that he might just not be that into me, but the fact that he'd continued the date made me think otherwise. It's so confusing to hang out with men in this environment where you can't just ask what's on your brain. I wanted him to just kiss me by the way, I wasn't expecting anything else. Anyway, he finally kissed me and the next thing I know (well, after he went back up to my car to fetch the condoms), we are naked and rolling around in the sand. I have mixed emotions about beach sex. In theory it always sounds smoking hot, but in practice sand usually gets in places that it shouldn't. Last night, it did not matter. It was super hot, intense, drunken sex.
Once all was said and done, we were dressing and I realized that I'd lost one of the earrings that Russell and Chloe gave me for Valentine's Day and my check card...fuck! It was a full moon out and so we had good light, but as much as we combed the area we could not find either. Alas, we left and I took him back to his car where he realized that he'd lost his phone! I went back to the beach and found my check card, but nothing else. At least I can use said card to buy a replacement pair of earrings before they notice!!
Am I going to see him again? I don't know...I know I liked him well enough in the whole 'Mr. Right for Right Now' kind of way and even though it was good fun sex, it didn't hold a freaking candle to sex with Owen.

What is it with men these days?

So as Jules has been having her own personal man drama, so have I. Both of the husband and neighbor varieties.

First, last night was particularly awful. Duckie came home and I could tell he was going to explode. It was just a matter of when and where. The last few days had been way too peaceful and he was probably due for a revolt anyways. Right after the kids went to bed he unleashed his special brand of holy hell on me. Yelling, getting close enough to me that I felt threatened - I'm an awful person, God hates me now, If he could kick me out at that moment he would, all the usual. Then he launched into a new variety of I should be thankful he isn't taking me to the cleaners and taking everything I have. I should be bowing down and kissing his feet for being such a nice person. For the most part I just sit and listen when he rants. It might have been the hardest thing I've ever had to do to sit quietly and not respond last night.

Why don't I respond? Well, 1 - because until our separation paperwork is signed I don't want to jeopardize our "deals." 2 - In the last 10 years I've learned that it doesn't matter with him what you say, he only hears what he wants. So fighting back just inflames the situation and in the end you don't get any satisfaction. Sort of like having sex with him haha! 3 - I'm sort of at the point where I just don't care. This time next week I’ll be pitching my crap out of the house as fast as I can. When he goes in these rants I just use my almost fool proof defense of imagining myself with Sawyer and all the delicious things we have done. Hey, it may be fighting dirty but at least it keeps my mouth shut and my temper down!

So I let him rail at me yet again and then he stormed off to bed. I woke up about 5 this morning to hear him either banging his head or having a baby temper tantrum and kicking his feet against his bed off and on for like an hour. Kind of freaked me out. So much so that I felt the need to keep my cell phone under my pillow just in case he came in and jumped me or something.

My other drama occurred with none other than Sawyer yesterday. With work being crazy for both of us and trying to be "smart" about seeing each other until I have moved, we arranged a rare early morning rendezvous yesterday. TMI - skip if you don't want to know - we were reverting to our teenage years and getting it on in his truck. I know, so juvenile but from past experience as an actual teenager, I can tell you an extended cab truck is much more comfortable than a 1980 Honda Accord hatchback. But I digress...

So he has this thing about trying to get me to say how I "feel" about him and often times he brings it up during sex. What can I say, he's a talker! Usually it's the variety of "Have you missed me? How much?" or "How much do you like me?" It's generally pretty playful and lighthearted. Now about 6 weeks ago, we did have a "feelings" talk. We both said that when this whole thing had started with us, we thought it would just be about sex and that it would last for a short while and then we'd go back to just being "neighbors." Obviously that hasn't happened. We both said we really liked each other and that things were way more serious than we had expected them to get. That being said, we both said we couldn't think/explore those feelings because of our current situations. Whatever. Oh, and you should know that from day one Sawyer has been Mr. "don't fall for me" which I have had to explain on numerous occasions that I'm a big girl and I know exactly where we stand with this "relationship" of ours and that I don't expect him to leave his wife/family for me.

So back to the drama, yesterday he shocked me and instead of grilling me about my feelings, right in the middle of things he said, "I'm really starting to fall for you..." Caught me quite off guard. Thankfully it was still dark outside so he couldn't really see my face because I'm sure I looked quite shocked and perplexed by this declaration. Like a smart girl I didn't respond at all except to kiss him. I'm sure we'll bump into each other today at some point and you can bet that I'm going to ask him just what he was trying to accomplish by telling me that.

I'd be lying to say that I don't like hearing that he cares about me. I mean all women like to hear that. And I'd be lying to say that I don't have feelings for him, I just don't know what those feeling are. But I do know that I don't want to be sharing "feelings" out loud with someone who is still living with his wife. And I don't intend to sit around and be his "girlfriend" while he's with her either. So I'm not exactly sure where that leaves me. Guess I'll figure that out soon.

This whole infidelity thing clearly is murky morally but a girl does have to draw the line somewhere. Clearly me and Jules are figuring that out today...


Friday, February 26, 2010

It's Not My Job

I have recanted my initial response to Owen. I am weak and the man has control over me which I would prefer not to admit too, but for the sake of honesty I will. I'm weak for the AMAZING sex. I'm just going to say it. I ran this situation past my current life advisors, Miranda, Adam, Cindy, and Russell (weird I know, but we really do talk about everything) because it seems as of late that I need people to help me process. Anyway, they all unanimously said it's not my responsibility to fix his marriage. That's his issue and his alone to work through. Then this morning, Owen himself pretty much told me the same thing. So, in my weakened state I agreed to still see him but under the condition that we have to talk less and fuck more. I don't want to know how or what is going on in his personal life...tmi. Feel free to silently judge me.
Oh and I'll give you something else to silently judge too...I so have a date tonight!! (slight girly squeal) I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. He's 28 (gawd) and strangely from NC. He's military and really likes to talk about himself. Honestly though, I talk about myself so freaking much these days that it will be nice to listen to someone else for a second.

Locked and Loaded

So I’m looking down the barrel. This time next week I’ll have signed a lease on my new place, natch – my new life, and be starting the moving process. Next Friday will be my last night in our “family” home.

Yesterday we did the attorney thing and got everything in line for our separation agreement. We can’t officially sign it until I move out but it will be ready and waiting. It was weirdly sad sitting in the attorney’s office yesterday. On one hand, I wanted to rage and scream at Duckie and the atty for being asses and on the other hand, it was really sad. It really was the official beginning of the end of our marriage.

So here we are, the last week of me, Duckie, Leo, and Ladybug living under one roof. Tomorrow the packing officially starts. The anxiety over the whole “being apart from the kids” is threatening to overwhelm me. I mean Duckie is a great dad and I surely won’t mind some “alone” time but feeling the creeping reality that I won’t be the one to wake up Ladybug every day or be the one who puts her in bed every night, the reality that I won’t be there to wrestle with Leo or play Mario Brother on Wii every night… Those realities are scary, sad, and sobering.

It’s a very weird mix of emotions I have right now. Excited to begin this new chapter in my life, excited to be “single,” excited to have a little more freedom to see where this thing with Sawyer goes. Scared that I’m suddenly entirely responsible for my own existence, scared that I’m not going to have anyone to pawn off the gross things like killing bugs and cleaning toilets on, and scared that my kids are going to experience such big changes in their lives.

All these years I always envied my single friends who got to experience “adult singlehood” before they got married. Guess I’m going to experience it myself finally too. Hope it’s all it seems to be…


Big Girl Panties

I put them on tonight and did what needed to be done and it sucks and I'm super sad over the prospect of not continuing this SUPER hot affair with Owen, but I knew what I needed to do with the information that he gave me. Here's the email I just sent him...now I'm going to finish this bottle of wine I started earlier and mourn the end of some of the hottest sex I've ever had....but I'm a better person for doing it. I wonder if it lasts. ;)

Christ Almighty, it appears I have a conscience. You added grey into my very black and white universe this morning and I have struggled with it ALL day. Owen, I don't know what to do with what you told me today. Well, I do...I just don't want to have to be the one that says it. I'm sooooo tired of people putting me in the position to make decisions for them, but honestly how can I continue to see you when you told me what you did? I've retyped and erased this email like three times already, but I need to talk about this and not just ignore it as I'm often apt to do. You can't tell me in one sentence that you're trying to make things right with your wife and work on your marriage and in the very next one tell me that you still want to see me. It pains me to say this, literally pains me, because the sex we have is the best ever...but one of us needs to stand up and do the right thing. I'm not judging you and I hope that you get that, but I am saying that I can't be the woman that stands in between a family being together. My mama raised me better and it's damn time I started acting like it at 33 years old. If you are going to make an effort in your marriage, then you can't fuck other women on the side. I love, love, love being with you and I'm not saying that you have to leave for us to fuck, but you can't be "working" on things in your marriage...that's just not right. It was different when I thought things just sucked and you were muddling through because of your kids, but to actually know that you're putting effort into it is something that I don't feel comfortable standing in the way of. I'm open to discussing this because I get that it was a quick text conversation, but I think deep down you probably know I'm right or you wouldn't have brought it up.

Go me! I am woman, hear me roar!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Throw Owen From The Train

When I first created names for everyone, I chose Owen for Owen because I think he looks kind of like Owen Wilson, only much hotter. Adam, my former bf from NC, which I guess at some point I should go back and explain, said it reminded him of 'Throw Momma From The Train'. Today, I'm considering throwing Owen from this train. Men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut, which is astounding considering how they say the very same thing about us!

Here's the situation. I know what to do, but the man just makes me weak. The sex really seriously is THAT good and again, I know if he wasn't seeing me that he would be seeing someone even in light of what you are about to read. Today we were texting about our next hook up. I have agreed to a three way and have found this smoking hot chick to do it with. No I'm not joining Russell on the other team, but I've never done it and Owen made it sound so freaking hot I agreed to try it. So, we were texting about that and about whether or not we could hook up today for lunch (We couldn't in case you have a burning quest to know). And then we had this conversation via text, of course...

Owen: " Yeah I have to tell you, I had a big fight and talk with my wife yesterday...we're going to give it a last hard try to try and keep it together. I know she'll never fully satisfy my sexual appetite, but now more than ever I have to be very very careful!!!! (I corrected his spelling, just FYI)
Me: "Oh  I totally get that...glad you're trying, but what does that mean? Do you want to stop seeing me?"
Owen: "  No, I love when we fuck...it feels great! But I do have to put some effort into my marriage if she is willing to as well! Which means less texting and probably fewer visits".
Me: "You are such a man...I love fucking you (immensely) but well, ok...I'm not going there...you didn't ask my opinion. I'll be happy to fuck you whenever you can. I will say this though, if it's going to be fewer visits I may call in backup. I enjoy sex way too much for once a month....once a week is long enough".

I won't keep you giving you the blow by blow (pardon the pun), but basically I asked if he was saying he wanted to continue seeing me b/c I'm about to let him live out his fantasy...to which he replied I was being "such a chick". He was pretty cool about me seeing other people, so long as I'm safe (not that I needed his permission...been seeing other people along the way this whole year). I'm not being "a chick" about this, but wtf was his purpose in telling me that he and his wife are going to give it one last try?? I didn't ask, that's for damn sure. If it wasn't to tell me that he doesn't want to see me right now, which would be the ONLY logical reason I could see for telling me, then what?? Now I feel like a total skank if I keep seeing him! He can't seriously work on his marriage and fuck me on the side. I told Miranda earlier that I'm not a fan of guilt and rarely do I feel it, but he introduced that today. I'm very black and white and he threw grey at me today and I don't know how to translate that.

PS Just for the record, I again reiterated to Owen earlier this week that I'm NOT now or ever asking him for an emotional commitment. I totally respect his situation and do NOT want to be the other woman that breaks up his family (yes, I get that essentially I could be given my relationship with him)...but just because my situation has changed, I don't expect his too.

Reason Not the Need

So I have a love/hate relationship with this great book - I Don't Know How She Does It: The Life of Kate Reddy, Working Mother by Allison Pearson. First time I read it, I loved it. It's all poignant about the trials and tribulations of a working mother. Cue tiny violins - how it's hard to juggle the demands of a career with family life with husbands. Second time I read it I had a different take, see in the end SPOILER ALERT, Kate decides you can't have it all and she quits her job to stay home with her kids

There's tons of good quotes in there about being a mom and having a career but interesting side note, as I'm rereading it again for about the fifth time, I realized I had always glossed over the part where Kate stumbles into an affair. Shocker I know! Haha! I came across the passage and thought it was really good, offered a great parallel of how my affair with Sawyer took flight...

"It's hard to explain how my relationship with Jack began. I really wasn't looking for anyone. I wasn't happy but I wasn't unhappy either; I was in the gray survival zone where I imagine most of us live most of the time. When a badly injured patient gets admitted, the hospital staff do what they call triage. Triage is the assignment of degrees of urgency to decide the order of treatment of the wounds.... and I thought about how much triage sounded like my life. Daily existence was a constant assessment of who needed my attention most: the children, the office, or my husband. You'll notice I leave myself out of that list and that's not because I'm a good and selfless person. Far from it. Selfishness just wasn't an option: no time.... When I wasn't at work, I had to be a mother; when I wasn't being a mother, I owed it to work to be at work. Time off for myself felt like stealing. The fact that no man I knew ever felt that way didn't help. This was just another area in which we were unequal: mothers got the lioness's share of the guilt. So the last thing, the very last thing I needed was someone else to love - and then the emails started.

In the weeks that followed our first dinner, he emailed me, first daily and then hourly. Sometimes we would reply to each other within seconds and it felt like one of those rallies in a tennis match were a great return spurs the other play to an inspired lob. I was cool at first, but he was so playful and persistent that natural competitiveness took over and I was soon running to the back of the court to retrieve the ball and return it with some topspin. So, no, I didn't need him, but he created a Jack-shaped need in me, a need that only he could satisfy. Does the woman in the desert know how thirsty she is till they press the bottle to her lips? I started to look forward to his name dropping into my Inbox more than I have looked forward to anything in my life..."

Oh and in the end, Kate ends her affair and stays married to her lovely but slow husband.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

God Loves Skanks Too...

Some how, some way a miracle occurred today. I got a curve ball thrown at me by Duckie. He called this afternoon and said his parents said they wanted to buy our house from us. They want to pay just what we need to get out of it completely free and clear. Said they decided to make it an investment property and they would "rent" it back to him. Hell, I don't care if they let him live here for free as long as it cuts that financial tie for me.

At first I was freaked about it. I kept looking for some catch. After talking it over with several of my family members, I decided it was as good as it seemed. I told Duckie I'd do it with one caveat, I didn't want to have to pay his attorney fee. He surprisingly agreed. So we'll be out of the mortgage, I won't have to pay any of his dumbass attorney fees, the kids will still get to live in this neighborhood/have their friends/etc., and Leo won't have to even think about changing schools. Plus, it will either be really healthy for Duckie to stay here or it will torture him - either way is a win/win situation. Haha!

There may be a catch buried in here somewhere but I sure can't see it right now. Looks like we'll be closing on it by mid-March...



Miranda and I were chatting on Facebook today and were discussing the upside of divorce is that you no longer have to deal with mother-in-laws (or any in-law) for that matter. This sucks for Russell because he actually likes my parents better, but we're still bffs so I'm sure he'll always be around them in some capacity. Anyway, his mother kind of sucks. Her husband (Russell's dad) died the year before we got married. I'd never had much interaction with her before this, but once we started dating and got married, she and I became pretty close. She sort of came into her own after he died and I would really enjoy talking to her and spending time with her...until she met her current husband. This guy is such an asshole. He's a total religious nut job - belongs to one of those mega, cult churches. I'm not a fan of his and neither is Russell, but we've had to mostly play nice for years. NOT ANYMORE, FOLKS! Well, not for me...the gloves are OFF! Actually, I never ever have to see or talk to him again if I don't want to, but my mother-in-law is a different story. She's coming to visit next month. The real kicker with me right now is that she has yet to call me since CRH told her about our pending divorce. I mean, really...would you NOT call your daughter-in-law if your son calls to tell you he's gay and his marriage just isn't working out?! I must expect too much, but then again I mostly ignore her calls anyway. She came to visit us a few years ago and really pissed me off...I don't think I ever fully got over it.
Here's the story...feel free to judge from any perspective you desire. Russell had a kidney stone about 3 or 4 years ago. Chloe was 3 or so and we lived in Durham, NC...which was an hour from my family. I was working full time and Chloe was in day care. This kidney stone thing drug on and on for far longer than I should have let the doctors get away with, but that's another story. Finally they decided to do that surgery where they break up the stone. My mother-in-law freaked that Russell was having surgery and informed us that she was coming up to help and be here. I wish she had stayed....really I do.
She got there the evening before the surgery. I had worked all day that day, back to back appointments, had gone to get Chloe, and arrived home to her. It was dinner time and I don't cook...never have, but in times like that...I'm forced. I don't know why I didn't get take out, but I didn't. I went to the store and got stuff for dinner, came home and made dinner...all while she sat around.  My own mother would have first of all cooked dinner for me, but if for some reason she didn't, she damn sure would have done the dishes or helped get Chloe to bed. Not my mother-in-law...she continued to sit at the table while I washed all the dishes, took Chloe upstairs for a bath, and put her to bed. Then the real drama started, Russell told her that we needed her to stay home with Chloe tomorrow because we had to be at the hospital before day care opened. She was super pissed...she thought SHE was going to the hospital with him and that I was going to be home with Chloe...wtf? She finally gave in and we went to bed.
The next day, we left for the hospital and everything went fine. I'd had very little sleep the night before and when we got home all I wanted to do was just collapse, but Russell needed his prescriptions filled and it was lunch time. Again, do you think she offered to help with either of these?? Nope...I ran out for both, came home, we ate, and then she announced she had to get on the road. Chloe hasn't napped since she was 18 months old...so there was still no collapsing for me. Please someone tell me why in the crap she bothered to come in the first place?! THEN on the way home after she rushed out like her house was on fire, she calls me from the outlets where she stopped to shop to see how Russell was doing.
Yeah, I'm not going to miss her....

Monday, February 22, 2010

Free Marriage Advice

So after two random good days where Duckie and I were incredibly civil to each other, today all hell broke loose again. Tonight he jumped all over me for no reason. He wanted to know again the reasons why I didn’t want to stay in our relationship. As I restated for the millionth time what was wrong, he’d interrupt me every two seconds to tell me how I was crazy, how I was having a mid-life crisis, and how I was an awful person.

For those of you pondering the mid-life crisis comment – he claims I’m in the midst of one because I wear skirts, sweaters, and knee high boots to work. Oh and I listen to Beyonce. Ooookkkkkaaaayyyyy. Well as far as the clothes, that’s called fashion and the Beyonce, well you bought me the freaking CD! And on top of all that, 33 is not mid-life, nor old! Since when was I supposed to be wearing prairie skirts and listening to Barry Manilow at 33????

After the screaming wound down, he left me with this “zinger.” Tell the “the next guy I marry, I would ruin his life like I’ve ruined his.” Drama much?

It’s hard because I do feel bad for Duckie. I know he loves me and I know his emotional immaturity doesn’t make handling this split any easier. I know he feels hurt, betrayed, and lost. So I really don’t hold all this drama and ridiculousness against him.

At the same time, I want so badly to tell him to grow the fuck up and deal with it already. To stop denying that we didn’t have this amazing relationship/connection he claims we had. I know I didn’t tell everyone much about what was going on with us, including Duckie, but in no way were we living the dream.

My family was quite shocked when I revealed all that was going on and now they say they can look back and see signs. They just didn’t at the time because I’m so freaking good at concealing what’s going on. Guess that’s both a curse and a blessing.

11 more days, 11 more days. I know a lot of the time on this blog I sound bitter, mean, and condescending to Duckie but he’s really not a bad guy. He just needs to do a lot of freaking growing up before he’s ever gonna get laid again. There I go being mean again! Sheesh! ;)


Sunday, February 21, 2010

All Is Quiet On The Western Front

I'm very pleased to report that Russell and I have had a very quiet, very nice weekend together. We have not fought about anything. We have hung out at the beach together both days. Last night, he made some super fantastic chicken and dumplings and we consumed mass quantities of wine on the couch while catching up on our DVR shows. It was like old times...nice, comfortable, and not filled with anger and being pissed at every little thing. He leaves to go to the mainland for work next week...so it should remain pretty quiet here too this week. Ahhhhh, peace.
Sadly, Owen seems to have a side job this week on his days off...so I don't know if I'll get to take advantage of having the house all to myself.
Miranda, if and when you are ready...I have a site for you. http://www.plentyoffish.com/. It's free Internet dating. I'm not big on the hanging out in bars to meet people thing and I'm not paying for a site either. Last year, I met this cutie, John, on Craig's List. We had a very hot, torrid fling that ended for two reasons, well three. 1. He's in the Navy and was shipping out to Japan. 2. He was 24...that's just too young. 3. He was into some freaky, nasty sex shit and I just got tired of saying no...regardless of how hot he is, it became tedious. Anyway, he told me about this site for actual dating (I guess he saw the writing on the wall long before I did!). I've registered this past week and am talking to some hotties for potential dates. It still feels like it's a little too soon, but I don't want to wait around forever...I want to go out and have some fun. The only downside is that the guys I seem to be finding are in their late 20s. Men don't really become intelligent beings until their 30th birthday (and of course, this never happens for some!)...but they are close enough that it's feasible to wait it out. A more horrifying thought....having to tell my mama that I'm seeing someone 5-7 years younger than I am...she'll DIE.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Burn Baby Burn

So Sawyer and I have been in this "relationship" for about four months now. When we first started hooking up, we were dumb. We didn't use any birth control other than the famous teenage move of "pulling out" after the first couple of times, I was too worried about that backfiring and ending up knocked up with the neighbor's kid. Wouldn't that have been a heck of a story! Especially since Duckie had a vasectomy last spring!!!

So we tried condoms, but you ladies know there's nothing sexy or romantic about getting all hot and bothered only to have to put things on pause when he fumbles with a wrapper, tries to stuff it in a condom, and then tries to pick things back up where you left off. Since we were "monogamous" with each other, well as much as we could be all things considered, I felt comfortable taking the supposed birth control reins.

I tried the Today Sponge and just wasn't a fan. So I gave in and signed back up for the good old birth control pill. At first I considered ordering it off the Internet but I just didn't trust those good old web pill pushers so I took a deep breath and called the family doctor to get a prescription.

So I got my prescription filled and got home only to realize that I should have thrown the paperwork and bag away at the pharmacy. What to do now? It happened to be a lovely snowy day so i had the genius idea to burn the papers on the back patio. I gave it my best but every time I'd get a match lit, the wind blew it out or the falling sleet would cause the flames to sputter. I was about to resort to plan B when a gust of wind blew the papers and one lovely piece took off on a little journey across the yard. I almost let it go but then I got paranoid and decided I needed to track it down just in case.

I spent the next 5 minutes tramping across the yard trying to catch this infernal piece of paper. when I finally did, i was wet, cold, and pissed when I realized it was blank. I took the papers in the house to figure out plan B. I decided to burn them in the sink. All went well until the kitchen started filling up with smoke. A quick opening of the windows left the air refreshed but quite chilly. There were still bits of paper and plenty of ash in the sink now.

I forced them down the garbage disposal, said a silent prayer that it wouldn't clog, and hit the switch. Presto! Problem solved!

Then there was the decision about where to stash the pills to keep them a secret from Duckie. If he was even half the snoop I am he would have found them in a heartbeat! I debated between putting them in really obvious places and really obscure. I finally settled on moving them around between random pockets in pants and jackets. Then I landed on the bright idea of pinning them inside the lining of a formal dress that is hanging in my closet. Voila! Every once in a while I get paranoid and carry them around with me where ever I go. Oh the lengths I have gone to to keep this thing a secret!


Friday, February 19, 2010


Oh Lord God, I'm scared of the dating world now because I think men just might be the craziest people on the planet...I now officially take this title off women. Let me just say, Miranda, that it's obvious Duckie is crazy by that last post of yours...indeed wtf??
While I was home in NC, I posted an ad on CL under the men for women section seeking someone to date. Crazy on my part?? Yes, of course it was...I'll admit to using that site for hookups and I've found some smoking hot guys on there (Owen included), but I don't think finding date worthy guy on there is gonna happen. Plus, it's really too soon for me to "date" anyone. I got a promising reply from this guy though that initially I thought was pretty hot, but then I decided that he's really not my "type" as far as someone I would want to eventually sleep with and since sex is the reason my marriage has failed...I'm pretty much into seeking that chemistry now. Call me a whore if you will...I can live with your judgements but I'm not marrying again unless the sex is mind blowing...and even then I probably won't marry him so that it will continue to be mind blowing.
Anyway, I digress...so I meet this guy and I tell him I don't think he's my type, but he keeps chatting me up. He seems like a really cool guy, so I tell him that if he's interested we can hang as friends, but I'm not sleeping with him. I know better than to tell men this because it does essentially trigger the crazy button, but I clearly wasn't thinking straight that week anyway.
He's emailed me a few times about hanging out since I got back and I'd kind of put him off because as you can read, last week was a little challenging. Yesterday though, I had agreed to hang out with him. We were going to the beach, but it was cold here in Hawaii, so I went over to his house. We talked for hours and it was a really great morning. I told him things about my family and situation that I'd never tell someone so early but he was just so easy to talk to and he was sharing a lot too. It seems he's the OG for one of the local gangs up here. That's all I'm going to say about that, but he's done time and what not and has really turned his life around...but you can't really ever leave a gang. I left feeling pretty good about the day and feeling like he's probably a good guy to know...until about 9pm last night when crazy hit. He called me and spent an hour and a half lecturing me on seeing Owen. He doesn't know who Owen is mind you, but he knows that an "Owen" exists. In fact their kids go to the same school, so it's actually quite likely that he does in fact know Owen. It's apparently driving him batshit crazy. He went on and on about the karma I'm bringing on myself and how small this island is and how things are going to blow up...wtf ever dude. I finally just shut down and quit talking so he hung up. This afternoon I emailed him a "Thanks for the offer to be my friend, but no thanks." This spawned a diatribe of emails again detailing how the shit will eventually hit the fan and I'll be run off the island and she (Owen's wife) will probably try to have my killed. I mean can you stand this?? I mean it went on and on - told me that I have addiction issues....I won't detail it all, but it was not pretty and clearly showed me what a nut he is...glad I found out so early in the game, but again I say...MEN ARE CRAZY.
Russell and I have had a good few days. He's working a lot this week, but is off this weekend and then he leaves for California on Monday for the week. I feel like things are moving back toward that friendship that we used to have and more toward the "new" normal.

Oh No He Didn't....

WFT is all I have to say.

I got home last night and saw that Duckie was lying on the air mattress in Leo’s room. Since we officially decided to split, we’ve taken turns sleeping on the air mattress and in our bed. He said it didn’t make sense for us, two perfectly capable adults, to sleep in the same bed if we weren’t going to ever get it on. Whatever! In my efforts to keep the peace, I agreed to the every other night thing and we’ve kept that up until last night.

So I saw him on the air mattress and reminded him it was his night to sleep in the bed. He said he had decided to stop sleeping in our bed. That it didn’t make sense and the bed “felt dirty.” If he only knew how "dirty" it really was. I literally almost did a little jig cause I love our, scratch that, MY bed. I said whatever and victoriously pranced into the bedroom for the night.

So tonight, after torturing me for two days, generally being a complete and total dick, Duckie waltzed in the bedroom and asked me a most peculiar question. He said, “Something’s been bugging me. If nothing is going on with anyone else, why don’t we just have sex to have sex?” Seriously!!!!! Really!!!!!! Can you imagine my shock and awe at the audaciousness of that question?

I mean, it’s not like for every one day you are “decent” to me there aren’t five where you are a complete and total ass Duckie! Now you think you can stroll in and ask for a pity fuck? A one last time screw? A goodbye lay? If I thought it'd talk him out of pursuing alimony I may very well give in ... Alas, I don't think that would change a thing and I'd just be even more pissed that he's going to get alimony from me the big p-tang.

Poor, poor Duckie. If I didn’t think it’d make him literally flip out, I’d tell him to go out and get him some. I seriously wouldn't mind, though that comes as no surprise to you.

Randomly, right after the first time I kissed Sawyer, I came home and had sex with Duckie. It was our last time together and it was like I was a freaking teenager. He noticed the difference and wondered aloud at it then. The bad thing was I couldn't explain why it was so different because instead of my standard thinking "I wonder how much longer this is going to take?" I was using all of my faculties to imagine Sawyer in the place of Duckie.

A few days later I realized the depth of what I was or perhaps I should say I wasn’t feeling and we haven’t had sex since. Weirdly, for a while afterwards we still kissed and hugged but I always felt like I was cheating on Sawyer when I did that with Duckie, my husband. That my blog friends is some messed up stuff! Hello! Can you say I have issues???

Miranda - who is happily sitting in her bed saying 13 days, 13 days, 13 days...

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Accusations - WARNING - Don't Read if You Have an Issue with TMI!

So Duckie told me he has questioned whether or not I'm having an affair. Which obviously dear blog readers I am, the kicker is he thinks if I'm having one it is with my boss. Because having an affair with the boss is so freaking smart, not that having an affair with the next door neighbor is much better but still. Now I have made a few affair errors in the last few months which I will share at another time but here are his reasons for suspicion as it stands:

1 - If I'm not having sex with him, I must be having it somewhere. Now the irony is that in our marriage, IF we had sex once a month that was a banner freaking month for us. So why would he think I was this highly sexual person who had to be having sex? The reality is I'm rediscovering that I am that same highly sexual girl I was back before him. Apparently all these years he's just killed my sex drive.

2 - I own and wore a thong. Just one. Years ago I tried wearing them and just didn't like it. Now I've decided to give them another try so I bought one, yes just one. Apparently one day he was doing some snooping of his own and saw it in my laundry. When he first brought this up, I stormed in our room, pulled out all gazillion pairs of underwear I own to prove that I only had one. Now I will admit I didn't buy the thong until after the affair and I may very well show it to Sawyer one day but I sure haven't yet.

3 - I text. Hello everyone texts! The irony here - Sawyer doesn't even text. So even if I wanted to I couldn't be sexting with him!

4 - Here's the TMI - Last chance to look away!!!!! I had a yeast infection a couple of weeks ago. Apparently he thinks the only way you get one is from having sex. Why I have no idea? I maintain it was from all the stress.
14 more days, 14 more days... Miranda

Signs, Signs, Everywhere There's Signs

Looking back, I should have realized the signs and run...actually in hindsight I just don't know what in the hell I was thinking...why did I marry a gay man? For years, I thought gay men made the best husbands. Russell is fairly neat, he can dress himself, I've never watched a sporting event with him, we have similar musical interests, he loves the theater, and he cooks. Adam, the guy who I had my very first affair with, has been reading this blog and thinks I sound angry. Well, I am angry and I feel like I have a right to be because I've been sucking some stuff up for years.
First "sign" that trouble was ahead...
When Chloe was a little baby, our desktop broke. I know virtually nothing about computers so I'm not sure what exactly broke, but my uncle at the time was a computer expert. We asked him to take a look at it. He did and realized that it could not be saved, so he tried to save our important stuff of it...like pictures. He found more than he bargained for in that department. He found what he was pretty sure was gay child porn. It turns out that the local sheriff's department was uncertain enough of the ages to press charges, but I can assure you this was NOT the highlight of my marriage and quite frankly started the beginning of the end. Of course, it's been a slow end because this was in 2003.
Second "sign" that trouble was ahead...
Russell seems to get lazy and often gets to the brink of being fired. This has happened twice since Chloe was born. Well, technically the first time was while I was pregnant with her. I ended up having to move to a god awful town in NC so that he could maintain employment. This last time is how I ended up in Hawaii...now mind you, I'm NOT complaining about the location at ALL, but I'm just saying...if someone could hold down a freaking job, I might not live 5,000 miles from my friends and family. (Admittedly though, I'm really not too pissed about this move because I could come home now and I'm not and some of the reasons are kind of selfish.)
Third "sign" that was trouble was ahead...
We quit talking...we quit spending time together...we quit having sex. I've always had a higher sex drive than he does....always. It's always been an issue for us. It's the one thing that we fight about...not money, not kids...sex and I'm the one who wanted it. Now the thought makes me a little queasy, but that's not the point. At some point, I made him go get Viagra and still we rarely had sex. I'm very pleased (yes, in my petty way) that he still needs Viagra for his boyfriends...because quite honestly I thought for years that it was me. It's not...it's HIM!
Fourth "sign" that trouble was ahead...
Ok, this one is just for fun. I came home from my NC trip (post asking for a divorce) to Appletini mix in the fridge, along with some pears, and a Lady Gaga performance on the DVR...yes people, there are my signs and some insight into why I'm just a little pissed off these days (although this last one just made me laugh hysterically!).

Master of the House

The balance of power has shifted slightly here, but I'm feeling good about it. For 9 years I have handled our money and I've hated it...I SUCK at it. The only reason I started doing it was because Russell would get soooo pissed twice a month paying bills and watching all of his money fly out the window that I just ended up taking it over. I started trying to get out of this chore about 6 months ago to no avail. Now he's decided he wants to be able to spend some of "his money" without my control...bring it on big boy. I sat here last night as he huffed through writing our checks due and watched with delight as he realized that the reason he can't spend "his money" is because he doesn't have any...ALL of our money here in Hawaii goes to HOUSING. We knew this was going to the be the case when we moved here and agreed being house poor in HI is worth is, but I must say I enjoyed the smell of his defeat last night when he realized I haven't been pissing away "his money" on minks and diamonds. I did announce that I'm spending $125 this week to get my hair done and to his credit, he didn't even blink.
Overall since I got a little trashed (and by this I mean tore the f up) on Saturday night and told him about himself, it's been a great few days. We've been getting along pretty well...the snarky sniping has decreased between us...it's just been pretty good. I can live with this.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Think I Can Hold My Breath for 16 Days?

16 days till I'm out of here and the freak away from Duckie AKA Dickie or Dickless. After putting the deposit down on my apartment yesterday all holy hell has broke loose. He's uber pissed and other than being exhausted by his drama, I could not care less. It's even come to the point that he says if I choose to use a lawyer other than his, he's going to dump all our plans and fight me for everything.

I'm exhausted. I just want out. Tonight Duckie said "I've been getting walked on by you for 10 years and I'm done." Hello fucker! I had to walk on you because you're too emotionally stunted to let your testes descend and be a real man.

16 days and not a moment too soon. I sure hope he's not harboring some deep seeded hope that by showing me he's finally a "man" and how tough he can be it's going to change my mind. I was absolutely sure about my decision to dump his ass six weeks ago and every passing day just reaffirms that in my mind.

There's a big part of me that wants to fight and wants to let it all go to court. At the same time, I just want it all to go away as fast as possible. Just think my St. Patrick's Day 2011 I could be a free woman!

I need a date with Sawyer. I have a lot of aggression to work out and I know just the right way to get some relief and it starts with a 6'3 tall drink of Southern water... Sweet dreams - Miranda

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Worst Part Of...

Being in the midst of negotiating a separation - not being able to say how much of a punk you think the other person is being. Not being able to say, "look I know I have hurt you terribly but would you just shut the fuck up already! Let's just get out of this as quickly as possible you big puss!

Being in the midst of a torrid affair - Having to keep it a secret! Even if you tell your friends about it, the vast majority don't want to hear any details. Part of the great fun of a relationship is discussing it with your girlfriends! When you can't do that, it sucks!

Being in my house tonight - not nearly enough wine to quell the inner demons...


If He'll Cheat With You...

Miranda, your post lit a fire under my ass. I read those comments and was appalled. First, let me say that I grew up hearing my Mama say "If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you.". Now interestingly enough in adulthood, I reminded her of hearing that phrase my whole life when I was telling her about my current state of affairs (hmm, and I mean that literally in this case) and she denied EVER saying it...lol, but she did and she said it often enough it stuck. Now, I have no intention of ever being with Owen. I mean, I guess if things were different I would consider it, but they are what they are and I'm very happy with our current arrangement. I have a lot more thoughts on this whole situation regarding your posting, but I'll save them up for later as to not make this too lengthy. All that being said, I've been SHOCKED by the number of people that have told me how unhappy they are since I've told them Russell and I are splitting. I mean, it's a little unnerving...is anyone happy anymore in their marriages? (Please note that is a rhetorical question.) For years (3 now), I've read more Craig's List and other website posts and replies coming from married men than I care to admit. If people were happily married, they wouldn't cheat in the 1st place...hello. I don't lure these men....they find me. Owen found me...I didn't stalk and trap him into my bed...he willingly came. Ok, soap box over...onto funny.
My bff, Cindy, has been living in the kind of situation that Russell and I are moving into. She and her husband, Ryan, have been living as roommates for a long time. Their situation is complicated as well, but it works for them in a lot of ways. I told her about Craig's List the other day after I finally came clean to her about my affairs and she got on it this week. She has found a guy and is ecstatic about it. I love seeing her happy again, since Ryan has pretty much sucked for a long time. Here's the funny....maybe it was just funny to us...I don't know, but it cracked me up! We were talking on the phone today about her new guy and she was telling me that he matches his socks and ties. She said, "You know how a woman puts on matching bras and panties and we feel sexy inside? It's the same for guys when their socks and ties match." OMG I was ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING. I would welcome comments about this if we have any male readers...does your sock/tie matching make you feel sexy inside?

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...

A while back, before the glory of this blog, I posted an anonymous comment in one of my fave blogs - Her Bad Mother's Basement - about my affair with Sawyer. It's allbeit a little mushy - it was written on one of those days when I fancied my emotions for Sawyer leaning from the good "l" word (lust/like) to the bad "l" word (love) haha. Funny, now it's ignited a trail of comments you must read. Some from sympathizers, most from women scorned. Check it out - Miranda

Is Paradise Ruined??

I stumbled onto this piece of beach a few months ago that has become my absolute favorite place on the island. I call it "Paradise Found". I actually found it because Owen and I use the end of the road it's on for some lunchtime fun periodically. On day, I decided to check out the beach access and it's one of the most pristine, gorgeous places ever. They film Lost on this beach...I frequently see sea turtles and monk seals on this beach...and this is where I went the day I told Russell that I wanted a divorce. I have not been back to this beach until today, and it kind of sucked. I sat in my favorite spot today, which is where I was sitting as I spewed those words at him just 3 weeks ago, and thought 'OMFG, what have I done??'. I don't hate him, despite how some of these posts read. I am angry and bitter, but by god I sort of have a right to be, don't I? I know that if I don't divorce him that I will end up even angrier and hating him, but today was a total second guessing myself kind of day.
It didn't help that I was catching up on Private Practice last night and if you watch this show, you know the scene where Dell takes off his wedding ring...totally made me lose my shit.
Again, I KNOW this is the right decision...I know he's gay...I know I'm not in love with him anymore...I know I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore...but here's the kicker...he's my best friend and it SUCKS.
In happier news, I get to see Owen tomorrow and I'm super psyched about that...we have been engaging in lots of sexting and hot emailing for the last week since I got back from NC and I swear I'm about to freaking explode (maybe tmi...sorry).

Monday, February 15, 2010

The Time to Hesitate is Through

So today I spent what felt like a fruitless day searching for a new place to live. Realizing that I'm going to be paying Duckie $500 a month for three years to be rid of him, though very worth it, hurts the budget! As soon as the papers are signed, sealed, and delivered I have some very choice words for Duckie. As Sawyer and I discussed that today he said Duckie's man card was going to be revoked and I told him Duckie never had one in the first place!

After looking at many sad, say apartments and houses today I stumbled on an awesome complex! I can even afford the three bedroom version so Ladybug and Leo don't kill each other sharing a room. It's super nice and as soon as I walked in it just felt like "home." Plus, Duckie won't be able to afford to live there so I know we won't end up living in the same freaking complex. A potential outcome he mentioned last night and seem quite excited about how it would "ease" the transition for the kids.

Now don't get me wrong, I want this to be as smooth and easy for the kids as possible, but if I have to live in the same complex as him, well, however will I get my groove on without getting caught? Ha ha!

Speaking of getting my groove on, today was one of Sawyer and my "dates." Always a blast and always too short! Moving away from being his next door neighbor will one one hand suck because there will be a lot less "chance interactions" but it will also rock because 1 - we'll have a "safe" place to be together and 2 - it gives me the opportunity to see guys other than him. Not that I'm planning on that necessarily but it's like once the ring comes off, men start falling out of the woodwork.

I've already got people trying to fix me up and all sorts of random dudes from my past trying to chat me up on Facebook! Seriously! People, let me at least move out first! Oh and by the way, before you chat me up on Facebook and expect me to flirt with you, you damn sure better have a profile pic. People who don't = people who must have peaked in high school and it's all been downhill since then! - Miranda

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Hey Mr. DJ...

So today Duckie is still backpedaling but really wants some “support” when we split. Maybe I’m just biased since I’m a woman but I think it’s pretty pathetic that a 37 year old man needs support from his ex-wife just because he’s too lazy/weak to either get a job making more money or get a 2nd job to help cover the bills. Whatever! Once we have everything finalized and formalized, I have a few choice words to share with him.

Today was Sawyer’s stepdaughter’s birthday party. It was at the skating rink and reminded me of how much fun it was to go skating back in the day. While there, I was not only surrounded by Sawyer, his wife, and kids but also many of Sawyer’s friends and family.

Now maybe I’m a bad person but I generally don’t feel “guilty” or bad for what we are doing when I’m around his wife. I mean it’s not like I seek out her friendship but we chat on occasion. However being around the family felt awkward and more than a little uncomfortable.

Plus it was hard as hell to “behave” and not flirt publicly with him, well not flirt too much anyways. We kept meeting eyes and trying to pass near each other to say a little comment or two. This part of having an affair sucks, the never being able to be in public together.

It’d be a lot easier if he wasn’t so freaking hot! I couldn’t help but fantasize about the skating rink DJ calling for a “couples skate,” the disco ball flashing, and taking myself back to my 6th grade self imagining the thrill of just holding his hand as we circled the rink listening to the smooth sounds of Whitesnake’s “Is this Love” (one of the most romantic songs of my unblemished, untainted 6th grade mind) or some shit like that. Of course the adult part of me then kicked in and imagined pulling him into a dark corner, climbing on his lap, and well, you can guess the rest.

Monday, Monday hurry up. It’s been a little over a week since I’ve got a hold of him and that is far too long!


Ok, so I know I said I wasn't going to over post, but this is a good one. You DO NOT challenge Southern women on their china, crystal, and silver...EVER. It is ours...period. Hell, it's why we get married in the first place...otherwise, we would just live with the men. My poor stupid Yankee husband said something so ridiculous tonight, I couldn't help but share it...of course with a little back story.
My mother was married to another man years before my daddy...his name was Tom for the sake of this blog. When my mother (who's actually my step-mother, but we DO NOT use that term), left her 1st ex-husband she called her Daddy and told him. A little while later, her mother phoned and asked "Darling, did you get your crystal?". It was her first question. I'm not making this stuff up. She was DEAD serious. It has set a tone in my family, a hilarious tone, but a tone all the same.
Tonight, Russell and I were discussing our storage POD. I told him that my mama and I had been discussing the contents today. He said to me "You should go ahead and take the china...I'll take the everyday ware...since that was what I wanted in the first place.". Of course I'm taking my china you asswipe and you'll be damn lucky if I let go of the everyday ware now that you said something so incredibly stupid...btw don't look for the Reidel to come your way...it's mine too! Men...they are SOOO stupid, bless their hearts. I mean to think he had the audacity to tell me I should take my china...gawd.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

What am I getting for Valentine’s Day – Served with Legal Papers!

Thursday evening, Duckie and I had a very civil conversation about dividing up our property. All went well, I even got my bed which was number one on my list – you must try a Beauty Rest bed if you haven’t already – it’s quite dreamy. As we wrapped up our conversation he dropped this bombshell, “Oh and I just want to tell you that you will be receiving some paperwork certified mail tomorrow. I retained a lawyer a few weeks ago so you’ll need to sign for the letter.”

WTF!!!!! We had agreed to do this separation thing without lawyers. Until this point things had been relatively peaceful. I asked what exactly this paperwork was and he couldn’t really tell me (should have been warning sign #1) but he did so kindly point out that there was some “language” around custody and not to freak out he had already addressed the fact that we are doing 50/50 custody with his lawyer. That whatever this “paperwork” said didn’t change all the other stuff we had agreed on to this point.

So I immediately hopped on the trusty internet and started researching what exactly this paperwork could be. Then I spent most of a sleepless night fretting and tossing and turning. If only I could have pooped a quick one off with Sawyer I damn sure would have slept better – ha!

The next AM I confronted him and asked if he was asking for child/spousal support and he said in his very manly ‘I have teeny tiny balls way’ “Maybe.”

I attempted to work for half a day and rushed home to try to beat the mail. No way was I going to drag this out any longer wondering what in the hell he was up to. Turns out the mail lady was on beat for a change and beat me here. I pretty much stalked the post office for the next few hours waiting for her to return from her route so I could claim my certified mail – Happy Valentine’s Day to me!

It’s a Civil Summons for Divorce of Bed and Board, included a bunch of legalese about custody and spousal support. I understandably freaked out then ranted, raved, and essentially lost it. It’s scary getting legal papers and especially when you thought everything had been going fine. After much ranting and raving Duckie started to look a little scared that I might smother him in his sleep. Friday night was ugly I admit especially when he started talking about wanting alimony.

Interestingly, the more I looked on the internet and tried to decipher this legalese the more I realized that this “Divorce of Bed and Board” in no way fits our situation. I’m not going to go in the details because you can Google it yourself but it clearly doesn’t fit our situation in any way, shape, or form.

Today after I had considerably calmed down, I asked Duckie if he had even had his lawyer explain all this legalese stuff to him. The answer folks…. “No.” WTF WTF WTF!!!!!! Who signs legal papers without understanding what they say???? Apparently my dumb ass husband that’s who. I made him sit down with me at the computer and start deciphering the “allegation” in the paperwork. I saw the beautiful light dawn on him that he was in fact a walking, talking dumb ass and I do mean that in the most insulting way.

No he’s back peddling and trying to be all nice and offer to call his lawyer and tell him to pull the papers. He still wants alimony though to the tune of something like $700 for 2 years and then $400 for 2 more years so he can “continue to live the lifestyle he’s become accustomed to.” Now I do make quite a bit more than him but we ain’t talking mega bucks by any means. I’m guess the gloves are coming off and I’m going to be meeting with a lawyer this week to see what this is all about and does he even stand a chance to get spousal support and if so, how much. Never knew being married to a dumb ass would cost me in the end.

Oh and now he’s trying to have balls by saying he doesn’t want “child support” cause he doesn’t want to be that kind of dad. But you want “spousal support” asshole? So you can be a “manly” dad and I use the term “manly” very loosely pertaining to him but apparently you are a pussy of a husband.

Lessons to be learned today ladies – 1 – never marry a man who makes less than you do and 2 – if you so happen to fall for a guy who makes less than you, a pre-nup is a must no matter how little you actually make/own. Trust me, whatever money I have to pay him, if I even have to pay him, will be well worth it to get his sorry ass out of my life.

Not my finest moment, but I admit that I took out a little aggression on Duckie by dunking his toothbrush in the toilet a time or two today and scrubbing it on the bottom of my shoe. Childish, gross, ridiculous I know – but something’s got to give at some point.

I shall look back upon the last few days as the icing on the cake before I get to be with Sawyer on Monday. Nothing like a little (or a lot of) naughty neighbor nookie to make a few bad days seem a hell of a lot better.

It's Cheaper Than Therapy

I probably won't keep blogging quite this often once the dust settles some, but OMG this and wine beats the crap out of $150 an hour for a therapist. I'm pretty sure I'm going to need a liver transplant when this is all said and done, or rehab at the very least. Russell texted me this AM to tell me that the store that he works in is having a suit sale this weekend. He suggested I come in and buy one, you know for interviews. HAHA! Guess what? I'm not even LOOKING for a full time job until AFTER April when I hear whether or not I get accepted into the MSW program. Our deal is that if I get accepted, he will continue to support me fully for the 2 years that I'm in the program. If I don't then he will keep supporting me until I can find a full time job and establish myself some financially. I don't mean to sound bitchy about this, but WE decided that once we moved to Hawaii and paid off our debt that I would only work part time to be home with Chloe more. I went ahead and got the suit though...hell, I might as well buy clothes as long as he's footing the bill.
Here's a little devious behavior on my part...the end result was delicious. He's currently out swimming with a friend in the front yard of our house and he left his phone inside. I read through his texts and found one from this guy that was a mutual acquaintance of Russell and the guy that Russell dated...you recall the one that I said "If you keep seeing him, I will leave you."? So, the text said "Jesse was bad for you anyway...he was always a whore in the clubs.". Guess he wasn't quite as into Russell as Russell wanted to think he was...although I guess the last laugh might be on me after I get myself tested at the ob/gyn next week.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Psychological Warfare and Other Musings

I left for NC THE same night that I asked for a divorce. In some ways the timing was great and in others, it blew. It was what it was though and I wasn't skipping a trip to see my family and friends just because my marriage was finally blowing up. In many ways, it was very cathartic. Here's what's been up since I got home though...much less cathartic.
While I was in NC, I took off my wedding ring. Actually the 26th, I gave him back the engagement ring to return to his mother. He gave it right back though and told me to keep it for Chloe. Ok, whatever...so, when I told him I'd taken off my rings he told me that he had done the same thing. I think these pieces of jewelry are very symbolic and it felt fake for me to keep wearing them. We didn't discuss it again. THEN I get home and he picks us up from the airport, wearing HIS ring. WTF?? He's had it on every since then. I finally asked about it because it's driving me batshit crazy. He tells me not to worry about it, that he's dealing with things in his own way. How can I NOT worry about it?! It sends quite the message...I don't know what message exactly because he's the one that made the poor choices for me to tell him I want out.
So, Wednesday I went out on a date. The guy seemed nice enough, not the hottest guy in the world, but I needed a practice run. It's been like a freaking decade since I've been out on a real date and all. I'll also insert here that I kind of did it to piss Russell off too. I want him to see that I'm moving on and that other men do in fact find me hot and irresistible. ;) I had an ok time on said date. There was NO chemistry, but he was a nice guy and easy to talk to...although he's just leaving an unhappy marriage as well and thought I might want to hear ALL about it...I didn't. Russell had invited a friend over for movies, beer, and scratching that night while I was out. When this guy left, he looks at me with tears in his eyes and tells me how hard tonight was and he was glad someone was here to distract him. Seriously?? Dude, you've been "dating" for months behind my back.
The final event thus far of the week is this...and I'm probably just being petty here...so feel free to weigh in. I told Russell that when he's off on Sunday we should take Chloe out to do something family style. I suggested hiking to Ka'ena Point b/c it's whale season and it's gorgeous out there. He loves it out there and Chloe and I just went for the first time with him a few weeks ago. He said he'd rather go to a waterfall, so I agreed since he thinks I always get my way. Today, Chloe is out of school for Furlough Friday here in Hawaii...so what does Russell decide to do with her? You guessed it, hike to Ka'ena Point while I'm working. Again, seriously?
In other news, Owen is so up my butt these days. I didn't tell him about the separation until right before I came back to Hawaii. Since then, it's been extra super hot texting and emailing going on but we have NOT been able to see each other this week. We used to rarely email and only text right before we were going to meet. Sometimes we would tease in between, but mostly just to set up our next time. I'm not sure where this is going now. I cannot get attached to him, so I wish he'd back off a little. I have no willpower with him to do it myself, sadly. Tuesday, our "normal" day, the kids were out of school. Thursday, our sometimes normal day, his wife decided that they should have lunch with their kids at school...like totally out of the blue that morning. Since he was working across the street from their school that day, there was little he could say/do to get out of it...and what could I say? Of course his kids should come first...always! Then today we were going to meet after I left work early. I raced across the island to get to him and it took too long with traffic, so he had to go back to work. Apparently the guys he was working with today are not cool about extended breaks. I need a big ole bottle of wine now.

Miranda's Story

I’m your average, middle class, married working woman, two kids, nice house, church going, supportive family. Everything that should make me a “good” person. Here I am in the midst of a tumultuous affair with my next-door neighbor. Yes it’s my own personal Lifetime movie! Let me go back to the beginning…

I’ve been a good wife for the most part these past 10 years. My marriage to Duckie (and yes that is a perfectly good reference and comparison to the original Duckie from the classic Pretty in Pink) was never anything exciting but it was comfortable, solid, something I decided I just needed to be happy with. I never strayed all these years, though more than once I considered having an affair usually out of anger or frustration. Over the last 3 years especially, things grew more and more distant. I stopped trying to talk to Duckie because he never understood me, never had. Despite his arguments and disbelief, we have serious communication issues and honestly, I’m tired of supporting his ass – financially, emotionally, and in every other way possible. We’ve always joked that in our relationship I’m the “man” and he’s the “woman.” It’s true; he has a way bigger vagina that I do. Several jobs, two houses, and two kids (Leo age 9 and Ladybug age 3 ½) later here we are at present day.

He (Sawyer) has been there, lurking in my vision for quite a while now - always as the friendly next door neighbor. Then this summer things changed, the world shifted. Suddenly I found myself flirting with him, albeit casually. Apparently my inner flirting deamon revived itself.

We live next door to each other and are the “outside” parents – the ones who are always outside with the kids, playing, laughing, and being the “fun” parent when we can. A little banter here, a little banter there. Suddenly I was in a whirlwind of having a crush on Sawyer. It was fun, harmless I told myself. But I found myself checking out the window to see if he and his kids were outside a little more frequently. My ears perked up at the sound of his truck coming home. I found excuses to be outside more and more and more.

Then that fateful night came. A neighborhood party. We hung out for hours, totally PG flirting. Sawyer confessed he wasn’t happily married. I could feel the tension between us. The interest. The desire. We finally walked back home and I wanted him to kiss me. It didn’t happen though.

Then two days later, a shot that rocked my world – my dad died quite suddenly. Sawyer was there. Just through Facebook at first. Sending an encouraging message, letting me know he was thinking of me. One fateful day he popped up in a chat box on Facebook. I was sad and teary but he managed to make me laugh. Numbers were exchanged and a few friendly phone calls followed.

A few days later, a rare warm late fall day we got to be outside for hours with the kids. In an opportune moment, he leaned over, whispered his email address to me, and asked me to email him the next day.

Our email exchange was/is ridiculous. Pushing for more information, teasing, flirting, challenging me. I had the opportunity to be home early one day and let him know. Sawyer came over to “talk.” I was a nervous schoolgirl. Couldn’t hardly look him in the eye. Things got close, intense. He said I had to make the first move; I started to and then hesitated. He pulled back. A moment later, he dove in. The most amazing kissing of my life. All the while, I was thinking, “I am breaking my marriage vows right here in my own kitchen with my next door neighbor. Seriously? This is my life?”

More phone calls and emails. Such chemistry. A few days later things progressed. I stopped just in the nick of time. Who am I doing this? On my own couch with my own neighbor? More days passed. Hundreds of emails, more than a few phone calls. It was time to piss or get off the pot. I got off the pot.

Almost three months later, I’m obsessed, wrapped up in a web of mixed emotions. I long to be with him but know it’s virtually impossible. Even if down the road we are together in the politically correct fashion, will it be worth the trouble and drama? We both have said we’re crazy for each other. My marriage will be ending soon. Not so sure about his. Life is complicated.

About a month ago, Martin Luther King Day, I told Duckie it’s over and that we need to separate. We’re working through that process right now and hopefully I’ll be moving out in a month. The lengths that I have gone to conceal my affair are quite extensive and quite humorous. At this point, I think I could write a guidebook!

A couple of weeks ago Jules and I stumbled upon the fact that we were both in the same proverbial boat. A few of my friends know ALL the details but to find someone going through such a similar situation is a major relief. To be able to bitch, vent, and laugh is way too valuable these stressful days.
Stay tuned for more details!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Jules' Beginning

A few years ago I became bored in my marriage. I'm married to my best friend, which complicates things a lot. My husband is Bi (well, that was his story at the time) and he wasn't showing me any intimate attention. Admittedly I had gotten fat after having our daughter, but I later learned it wasn't me (seriously). Three years ago I started having affairs with other married men. It seemed safer that way with less emotional connection, thus not really jeopardizing my marriage. By the way, I've lost all the weight plus some in the last 3 years too - infidelity does have it's benefits!
In 2008, we moved to Hawaii and I kept having affairs in the new location. In January of last year, I met Owen and have been having THE most intense, hot affair with him every since. In April of last year, my husband and I decided to have an open marriage so that he could see other men and I could see Owen without guilt. I did not come clean with him about my past affairs until early this year. We tried lots of things to keep our marriage going, but ultimately I still wasn't happy. We even saw several men together, but that's a story for another day. ;)
During this time, Russell (my husband) started seeing a man that he was essentially dating. They were hanging out and doing things. I became jealous because despite my infidelity, I wasn't emotionally committed to anyone else. I threw a fit as only a Southern woman can and told him that if he continued to see this guy that I would leave. I had never, ever threatended that before but I was pissed. On January 26th, 2010, I discovered that he was in fact still seeing this guy and I went ballistic. I was leaving to go home that night for a visit and I told him that I was packing up Chloe (our daughter), coming home, and he could do wtf ever he wanted. Then I went to the beach and decided that I really love Hawaii and that I don't want to leave...ever. I also decided that while Chloe would throw her father under a bus and move back to NC in a New York minute, it wasn't really fair to either of them for me to make that decision. Then, I threw him out. I told him to go live with that mf is he wanted him so badly. I should mention that I have quite a temper. About an hour after I told him that, I realized I was giving him the keys to the candy store...he wasn't getting off that easily. Plus, I knew it would be really hard for me to have to ever see/meet this guy and there is no way in hell Chloe was ever going to either. So, I finally told him that I would stay in Hawaii if he would pay for it all for as long as I need until I either finish school or get a full time job. He agreed and we've decided to live together as roommates in a larger house (3bdrms) for the time being. We have not told Chloe about our situation yet and for now we are muddling through in our 2bdrm house, still sleeping in the same bed. It's weird...just weird.
During my trip home to NC, I told most of our friends and family about our separation. At dinner one night with some friends from High School, my friend, Miranda, mentioned that she and her husband were splitting up. It was the craziest timing! We both started talking about our situations and while we hate it for the other one, it's really nice to have someone to talk about this with and process. As we have processed, we have decided to blog about our stories. She's got some hilarious ones, but those are hers to tell. We decided to start a blog and each post periodically about the day to day of the collapse of our marriages, the infidelities, the separations, and the divorces. All names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty.
That's the short version....more details to come, so stay tuned!