Saturday, February 20, 2010

Burn Baby Burn

So Sawyer and I have been in this "relationship" for about four months now. When we first started hooking up, we were dumb. We didn't use any birth control other than the famous teenage move of "pulling out" after the first couple of times, I was too worried about that backfiring and ending up knocked up with the neighbor's kid. Wouldn't that have been a heck of a story! Especially since Duckie had a vasectomy last spring!!!

So we tried condoms, but you ladies know there's nothing sexy or romantic about getting all hot and bothered only to have to put things on pause when he fumbles with a wrapper, tries to stuff it in a condom, and then tries to pick things back up where you left off. Since we were "monogamous" with each other, well as much as we could be all things considered, I felt comfortable taking the supposed birth control reins.

I tried the Today Sponge and just wasn't a fan. So I gave in and signed back up for the good old birth control pill. At first I considered ordering it off the Internet but I just didn't trust those good old web pill pushers so I took a deep breath and called the family doctor to get a prescription.

So I got my prescription filled and got home only to realize that I should have thrown the paperwork and bag away at the pharmacy. What to do now? It happened to be a lovely snowy day so i had the genius idea to burn the papers on the back patio. I gave it my best but every time I'd get a match lit, the wind blew it out or the falling sleet would cause the flames to sputter. I was about to resort to plan B when a gust of wind blew the papers and one lovely piece took off on a little journey across the yard. I almost let it go but then I got paranoid and decided I needed to track it down just in case.

I spent the next 5 minutes tramping across the yard trying to catch this infernal piece of paper. when I finally did, i was wet, cold, and pissed when I realized it was blank. I took the papers in the house to figure out plan B. I decided to burn them in the sink. All went well until the kitchen started filling up with smoke. A quick opening of the windows left the air refreshed but quite chilly. There were still bits of paper and plenty of ash in the sink now.

I forced them down the garbage disposal, said a silent prayer that it wouldn't clog, and hit the switch. Presto! Problem solved!

Then there was the decision about where to stash the pills to keep them a secret from Duckie. If he was even half the snoop I am he would have found them in a heartbeat! I debated between putting them in really obvious places and really obscure. I finally settled on moving them around between random pockets in pants and jackets. Then I landed on the bright idea of pinning them inside the lining of a formal dress that is hanging in my closet. Voila! Every once in a while I get paranoid and carry them around with me where ever I go. Oh the lengths I have gone to to keep this thing a secret!


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