Thursday, February 18, 2010

Signs, Signs, Everywhere There's Signs

Looking back, I should have realized the signs and run...actually in hindsight I just don't know what in the hell I was thinking...why did I marry a gay man? For years, I thought gay men made the best husbands. Russell is fairly neat, he can dress himself, I've never watched a sporting event with him, we have similar musical interests, he loves the theater, and he cooks. Adam, the guy who I had my very first affair with, has been reading this blog and thinks I sound angry. Well, I am angry and I feel like I have a right to be because I've been sucking some stuff up for years.
First "sign" that trouble was ahead...
When Chloe was a little baby, our desktop broke. I know virtually nothing about computers so I'm not sure what exactly broke, but my uncle at the time was a computer expert. We asked him to take a look at it. He did and realized that it could not be saved, so he tried to save our important stuff of it...like pictures. He found more than he bargained for in that department. He found what he was pretty sure was gay child porn. It turns out that the local sheriff's department was uncertain enough of the ages to press charges, but I can assure you this was NOT the highlight of my marriage and quite frankly started the beginning of the end. Of course, it's been a slow end because this was in 2003.
Second "sign" that trouble was ahead...
Russell seems to get lazy and often gets to the brink of being fired. This has happened twice since Chloe was born. Well, technically the first time was while I was pregnant with her. I ended up having to move to a god awful town in NC so that he could maintain employment. This last time is how I ended up in Hawaii...now mind you, I'm NOT complaining about the location at ALL, but I'm just saying...if someone could hold down a freaking job, I might not live 5,000 miles from my friends and family. (Admittedly though, I'm really not too pissed about this move because I could come home now and I'm not and some of the reasons are kind of selfish.)
Third "sign" that was trouble was ahead...
We quit talking...we quit spending time together...we quit having sex. I've always had a higher sex drive than he does....always. It's always been an issue for us. It's the one thing that we fight about...not money, not kids...sex and I'm the one who wanted it. Now the thought makes me a little queasy, but that's not the point. At some point, I made him go get Viagra and still we rarely had sex. I'm very pleased (yes, in my petty way) that he still needs Viagra for his boyfriends...because quite honestly I thought for years that it was me. It's not...it's HIM!
Fourth "sign" that trouble was ahead...
Ok, this one is just for fun. I came home from my NC trip (post asking for a divorce) to Appletini mix in the fridge, along with some pears, and a Lady Gaga performance on the DVR...yes people, there are my signs and some insight into why I'm just a little pissed off these days (although this last one just made me laugh hysterically!).


  1. OMG, gay or not that first one should have been your clue to find a way out of his life! That is so crazy!
    On another note, my husband likes pears AND Lady Gaga. Should I be concerned? LOL

  2. You might want to check into things...not the pears alone so much, but if he drinks appletinis and likes Lady Gaga...watch out sister! ;)
    Yeah, I should have left after the 1st sign...I know, but I had a newborn and didn't know wtf to do...so I stayed.

  3. OMG though our stories are different I had many of the same warning signs! I'm freaking out here! The being lazy, trouble holding down a job, stopping talking, sex, Wow! Who knew! Maybe Duckie is gay and he just doesn't realize it? Haha! Miranda

  4. I wanted to add that its ok to be bitter. Like you, this split is my decision and I'm definitely a tad on the bitter side. Unless you've walked in these shoes, it might not make sense that we feel bitter but it's definitely one of the million emotions I feel every day. Its hard not to after all we've both been through. Thank heavens for the ability to flip people the bird when they are not looking - Miranda