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Friday, February 26, 2010

Locked and Loaded

So I’m looking down the barrel. This time next week I’ll have signed a lease on my new place, natch – my new life, and be starting the moving process. Next Friday will be my last night in our “family” home.

Yesterday we did the attorney thing and got everything in line for our separation agreement. We can’t officially sign it until I move out but it will be ready and waiting. It was weirdly sad sitting in the attorney’s office yesterday. On one hand, I wanted to rage and scream at Duckie and the atty for being asses and on the other hand, it was really sad. It really was the official beginning of the end of our marriage.

So here we are, the last week of me, Duckie, Leo, and Ladybug living under one roof. Tomorrow the packing officially starts. The anxiety over the whole “being apart from the kids” is threatening to overwhelm me. I mean Duckie is a great dad and I surely won’t mind some “alone” time but feeling the creeping reality that I won’t be the one to wake up Ladybug every day or be the one who puts her in bed every night, the reality that I won’t be there to wrestle with Leo or play Mario Brother on Wii every night… Those realities are scary, sad, and sobering.

It’s a very weird mix of emotions I have right now. Excited to begin this new chapter in my life, excited to be “single,” excited to have a little more freedom to see where this thing with Sawyer goes. Scared that I’m suddenly entirely responsible for my own existence, scared that I’m not going to have anyone to pawn off the gross things like killing bugs and cleaning toilets on, and scared that my kids are going to experience such big changes in their lives.

All these years I always envied my single friends who got to experience “adult singlehood” before they got married. Guess I’m going to experience it myself finally too. Hope it’s all it seems to be…

Miranda

2 comments:

  1. Oh honey- that post made me cry. Of course, I'm a little emotional today anyway...but I totally get where you are coming from. The thought of NOT being there everyday of Chloe's life terrifies me too. I mean I'm also sad that 10 years of my life with Russell is in the toilet, but mainly hating the thought of not being with Chloe every day at some point. At least I have some time before it happens...
    -Jules

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  2. That's the hard part. I know a lot of people think I should have "stuck it out" for the kids for a while longer. But what kind of life is that to lead for me? And what kind of example does that set for my kids? Being brave, honest, and not being afraid to make difficult choices are all things I want for my kids. How much worse would it be for them to get to college, have seen us have this sterile unhappy marriage all these years, and then we spring a divorce on them?

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