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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Is Paradise Ruined??

I stumbled onto this piece of beach a few months ago that has become my absolute favorite place on the island. I call it "Paradise Found". I actually found it because Owen and I use the end of the road it's on for some lunchtime fun periodically. On day, I decided to check out the beach access and it's one of the most pristine, gorgeous places ever. They film Lost on this beach...I frequently see sea turtles and monk seals on this beach...and this is where I went the day I told Russell that I wanted a divorce. I have not been back to this beach until today, and it kind of sucked. I sat in my favorite spot today, which is where I was sitting as I spewed those words at him just 3 weeks ago, and thought 'OMFG, what have I done??'. I don't hate him, despite how some of these posts read. I am angry and bitter, but by god I sort of have a right to be, don't I? I know that if I don't divorce him that I will end up even angrier and hating him, but today was a total second guessing myself kind of day.
It didn't help that I was catching up on Private Practice last night and if you watch this show, you know the scene where Dell takes off his wedding ring...totally made me lose my shit.
Again, I KNOW this is the right decision...I know he's gay...I know I'm not in love with him anymore...I know I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore...but here's the kicker...he's my best friend and it SUCKS.
In happier news, I get to see Owen tomorrow and I'm super psyched about that...we have been engaging in lots of sexting and hot emailing for the last week since I got back from NC and I swear I'm about to freaking explode (maybe tmi...sorry).
-Jules

2 comments:

  1. I know how you feel Jules. Even though I know absolutely that ending my marriage is the right and best thing, I do stumble from time to time and momentarily freak out when I think about the realities of my decision. It's a big freaking life change. Hang in there girl! Miranda

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  2. Thanks for the encouragement! It's so much easier with this blog to vent my frustrations into and to have people like yourself, my bff, and my ex in NC to vent to as well- you guys ROCK.
    -Jules
    PS I'm pleased to report that my wine consumption is slowing down a little too. No wine in 2 days...wow.

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