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Saturday, February 27, 2010

What is it with men these days?

So as Jules has been having her own personal man drama, so have I. Both of the husband and neighbor varieties.

First, last night was particularly awful. Duckie came home and I could tell he was going to explode. It was just a matter of when and where. The last few days had been way too peaceful and he was probably due for a revolt anyways. Right after the kids went to bed he unleashed his special brand of holy hell on me. Yelling, getting close enough to me that I felt threatened - I'm an awful person, God hates me now, If he could kick me out at that moment he would, all the usual. Then he launched into a new variety of I should be thankful he isn't taking me to the cleaners and taking everything I have. I should be bowing down and kissing his feet for being such a nice person. For the most part I just sit and listen when he rants. It might have been the hardest thing I've ever had to do to sit quietly and not respond last night.

Why don't I respond? Well, 1 - because until our separation paperwork is signed I don't want to jeopardize our "deals." 2 - In the last 10 years I've learned that it doesn't matter with him what you say, he only hears what he wants. So fighting back just inflames the situation and in the end you don't get any satisfaction. Sort of like having sex with him haha! 3 - I'm sort of at the point where I just don't care. This time next week I’ll be pitching my crap out of the house as fast as I can. When he goes in these rants I just use my almost fool proof defense of imagining myself with Sawyer and all the delicious things we have done. Hey, it may be fighting dirty but at least it keeps my mouth shut and my temper down!

So I let him rail at me yet again and then he stormed off to bed. I woke up about 5 this morning to hear him either banging his head or having a baby temper tantrum and kicking his feet against his bed off and on for like an hour. Kind of freaked me out. So much so that I felt the need to keep my cell phone under my pillow just in case he came in and jumped me or something.

My other drama occurred with none other than Sawyer yesterday. With work being crazy for both of us and trying to be "smart" about seeing each other until I have moved, we arranged a rare early morning rendezvous yesterday. TMI - skip if you don't want to know - we were reverting to our teenage years and getting it on in his truck. I know, so juvenile but from past experience as an actual teenager, I can tell you an extended cab truck is much more comfortable than a 1980 Honda Accord hatchback. But I digress...

So he has this thing about trying to get me to say how I "feel" about him and often times he brings it up during sex. What can I say, he's a talker! Usually it's the variety of "Have you missed me? How much?" or "How much do you like me?" It's generally pretty playful and lighthearted. Now about 6 weeks ago, we did have a "feelings" talk. We both said that when this whole thing had started with us, we thought it would just be about sex and that it would last for a short while and then we'd go back to just being "neighbors." Obviously that hasn't happened. We both said we really liked each other and that things were way more serious than we had expected them to get. That being said, we both said we couldn't think/explore those feelings because of our current situations. Whatever. Oh, and you should know that from day one Sawyer has been Mr. "don't fall for me" which I have had to explain on numerous occasions that I'm a big girl and I know exactly where we stand with this "relationship" of ours and that I don't expect him to leave his wife/family for me.

So back to the drama, yesterday he shocked me and instead of grilling me about my feelings, right in the middle of things he said, "I'm really starting to fall for you..." Caught me quite off guard. Thankfully it was still dark outside so he couldn't really see my face because I'm sure I looked quite shocked and perplexed by this declaration. Like a smart girl I didn't respond at all except to kiss him. I'm sure we'll bump into each other today at some point and you can bet that I'm going to ask him just what he was trying to accomplish by telling me that.

I'd be lying to say that I don't like hearing that he cares about me. I mean all women like to hear that. And I'd be lying to say that I don't have feelings for him, I just don't know what those feeling are. But I do know that I don't want to be sharing "feelings" out loud with someone who is still living with his wife. And I don't intend to sit around and be his "girlfriend" while he's with her either. So I'm not exactly sure where that leaves me. Guess I'll figure that out soon.

This whole infidelity thing clearly is murky morally but a girl does have to draw the line somewhere. Clearly me and Jules are figuring that out today...

Miranda

3 comments:

  1. Ok, at the risk of Jules or someone saying, "Oh, you are SUCH man!", I'd just like to say that I think that rather than "TMI", there is "NEI" (Not Enough Information) on this blog :)

    On another note, yeah, what's up with Sawyer dropping that on you in the middle of stuff? What did he expect you to say/do? I have been on the other side of that coin (although I'm not sure I had anyone express it to me DURING the actual event) and I really think it's just some neediness/insecurity on the other person's part that's coming out. Obviously, they are looking for some kind of validation for the feelings they have expressed. Who knows, maybe Sawyer's wife pissed him off really bad the night before or something and he was in the moment with you and he didn't really mean it like it sounded.

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  2. Unfortunately our Saturday plans didn't work out so I haven't been able to grill him yet about his intentions with that little bomb. Adam, Jules and I will have to see what we can do to spice things up for you. Haha!

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  3. Awww, that's sweet of you - I appreciate it. I have some plans to add some "spice" to my blog soon so...stay tuned for that!

    I was thinking about your story some more and I bet Sawyer was just feeling a little down or un-loved and was thus needing to feel attractive and wanted by you. I don't care how much of a 'man' you are, we ALL like compliments from time to time.

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