Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Remembering Why I Love Being Single

Oh yeah, I am actively remembering right now why I do not engage in relationships. The Chilean is making me fucking crazy. It's as much me as it is him b/c I get insecure in the beginning, but I'm feeling kind of insane right now. I'm out of my element and I dislike it.

It started with his no sex challenge. Friday morning he left and things were fine. Saturday he texts me to hang out and I told him I was busy all day at a wedding, which I had previously mentioned. We text later that night and he asks me to come over. I said I thought it was too late, I was sleeping with Chloe, and I'd see him the next night if he wanted. Then he starts talking about how he wants more of the sex like we had Thursday night. I'm like "Dude, you are the one that instituted the no sex thing like yesterday...so which is it?". I finally just quit chatting and went to sleep.

Sunday, he FB messages me and asks what I'm doing. I'm told him my plans for the day and he says he wishes he could join me. I said that I did too, and that this thing was temporary and once he met Chloe than we could do things together a lot more. He seemed to get it, but that night when I asked if he wanted to hang out he got kind of crazy on me and told me that he still thinks all I want is sex and that he can't understand why I can't see him during the day like normal people...direct quote. I reiterated my situation and told him if he doesn't get that Chloe is top priority, he's not the man for me. He said something about how if I didn't get his need to sleep, I probably wasn't the girl for him. We were both drinking, so I just let it go.

Monday, he texts me to watch sunset. I again told him that I could not b/c I was with Chloe on Mommy duty. Yesterday was her 1st day of school and I had a lot of forms and stuff to fill out. He said he totally understood and apologized for the day before saying again how he admires what a good mom I am and how I put her first. He didn't want to do anything last night though b/c he had to work early today, or so he thought.

He sends me a FB message today around 11am asking if I'm off b/c it turns out his boss didn't need him. I replied when I got home at 4pm that I wasn't as I had told him today was my last day of practicum. I did tell him I had an hour before I had to pick up Chloe and I would gladly spend it with him or he could come over tonight b/c Russell is probably staying out at his man cave. He pretty much declined both offers. At this point, fuck it. I can't seem to make him happy with regards to seeing me. I'm initiating no further contact and he can figure his shit out or not.

In other news, I've just decided men suck (sorry men). My friend that got married this past weekend had to call the police on her new groom for pushing her down the stairs last night. This guy has never been remotely violent...ever. He knows she was abused badly in the past and has always hated that guy and spoken very vocally about how fucking lame it is for men to do that shit. Then 2 damn days after the wedding, he does it.

TMI Tuesday - Thrills and Chills

The Comfort and Thrill of Sex

1. How do you feel about giving anal sex (penetration with penis, finger or sex toys)?
a. I love it.
b. I enjoy it.
c. I’m ok with it.
d. I don’t really enjoy it.
e. I don’t enjoy it at all.
f. I have never given anal sex.
g. I have never given anal sex, but would like to start.
C - I've done it with toys a few times. I like it well enough, but honestly I'm much rather be on the receiving end of that game. Otherwise, it feels slightly gay. - Jules
C - Ditto to what Jules said. - Miranda
Um what? I choose option 'H' - I have never and will never give anal sex nor will I ever stay with someone who wants me to do so. EXIT ONLY!!!! And unless I'm mistaken straight men should not enjoy things going in to their anus!!!! -Gwyn
2. How do you feel about receiving anal sex (penetration with penis, finger or sex toys)?
a. I love it.
b. I enjoy it.
c. I’m ok with it.
d. I don’t enjoy it at all.
e. I have never received anal sex.
f. I have never received anal sex, but would like to start.
A. I LOVE IT! I mean it...love, love, love it. - Jules
B - To a certain point. It does add a little extra something though I have to be in the mood for any backdoor action. - Miranda
D - I've done it with one guy a couple of times and it was o.k. but it was no better than the traditional route for me. So in the interest of smells and germs I'd like to stick with the vagina please. -Gwyn 
3. How do you feel about getting undressed in front of a new lover, for the first time, as he/she watches you?
a. It’s a turn on for me.
b. It turns me on a little bit.
c. I like it, but only because it gets him/her going.
d. It does nothing for me.
e. I don’t like doing it because I am shy.
f. I don’t like doing it because I think it’s immoral/improper.
I'm going with none of the above...right now I'm slightly self conscious about the 15lbs I put on in grad school, so less comfortable with it right now than I normally am. - Jules 
C - I think it depends.  With The Christian or Coach it was hot because I knew how much they liked me and how much they wanted me. With a fly by night guy not so much. I just want to get down and dirty and I'm not trying to prolong the moment. - Miranda
I guess 'D'. I don't get turned on having someone watch me but I am not embarrassed at all taking my clothes off nor being naked around a guy for the first time. I learned a long time ago that the things I'm self conscious about don't even register for the guy I'm with. Confidence is sexy too and guys love it when I walk around naked like I don't have a care in the world. -Gwyn
4. Do you express your sexual pleasure with moans, groans, sighs, and other noises (provided that you are actually turned on)?
a. Yes, each time I have sex (90-100% of the time).
b. Yes, on most occasions (70-89% of the time).
c. Yes, on some occasions (40-69% of the time).
d. Yes, on a few occasions (10-39% of the time).
e. Yes, but only on special occasions (1-9% of the time).
f. Never, not even when I am really turned on.
A - Yes, I'm very vocal in bed. ;) - Jules
A - for sure.  No silent sex here! - Miranda
This is a dumb question. Who doesn't make any noise? -Gwyn
5. Do you talk to your partner in a sexually explicit way?
a. Talking dirty is one of our favorite activities.
b. Occasionally, I like to talk dirty with my partner, and I do it with ease.
c. I talk dirty with my partner, but it feels awkward.
d. I would like to talk dirty with my partner, but I don’t dare for fear of being judged or ridiculed.
e. I would like to talk dirty with my partner, but she/he isn’t into it.
f. I don’t talk in such a way because I think it is inappropriate.
g. I don’t talk in such a way because I can’t bring myself to do it.
A. Owen likes to talk dirty to me sometimes...it's mostly commands, but in his sweet non aggressive way...lol. The Chilean only speaks to me in Spanish during sex so I have no clue what he's saying. - Jules
A - Dirty talk is always a good thing.  It takes a certain amount of focus though or I'll laugh on occasion.  I much prefer to receive the dirty talking for that sole reason. - Miranda
A - I enjoy dirty talk and I also enjoy laughing silently about the things guys come up with during said dirty talk. -Gwyn
6. What kind of animal do you most sound like when building to a climax?
a. quiet little mouse
b. low moaning wolf
c. screeching beluga whale
B I guess? I don't know what the whale sounds like but perhaps there are times I get to that level too. - Jules
I guess b. Though The Christian said I got quite vocal at times but I think that's when the sex was kinker and dirtier.  Plus who wants to admit they sound like a whale??? - Miranda
Who came up with these choices???? -Gwyn
Bonus: Which do you prefer comfort sex or thrill-seeking sex? Why?
Comfort seekers value deep intimacy, quiet engagement and trust over time of familiar relationships. For them sex is best as a safe, loving nurturing space.*
Thrill seekers value wild energy, adventure and novelty; they are willing to try open relationships, testing themselves outside average sexual practices. These folks crave a place to push the boundaries of new experiences.*
Clearly if you have ever read this blog before, you know Jules is a thrill seeker. 
I think I'm a mix of both.  I've had some hot nights of sex with random guys but sex is always way better for  me in a relationship and I'm much more free and open to being wild with that person. - Miranda 
If I had to choose I'd choose thrill-seeking - I don't like kinky crazy shit as you all know but I'd much rather have a quickie in the bar bathroom than a romantic hour long sweet lovemaking session in my bed. -Gwyn
*Adapted from Susan Mernit’s blog
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!

Friday, July 27, 2012

No Sex Challenge

After dropping my Mom off at the airport, Chloe and Russell had a daddy-daughter night at his summer man cave because he knew I had plans to see The Chilean. People, you could not ask for a better ex husband than this guy. I mean, damn.

The Chilean had jujitsu practice, so he didn't get finished until late. This is going to work out very well because he trains like 3 or 4 nights a week and isn't finished until late...which is when I'm available. Anyway, he came over last night after that and we sat on the porch drinking margaritas and I'd made him some food. We're talking and he's telling me his life story (again...seems I was too drunk to remember the 1st time). He told me that he got married when he was 21 and it was basically a shotgun wedding, although he felt it was the right thing to do. They stayed married 12 years and then after the divorce, he moved here.

In the middle of this conversation, he keeps telling me how beautiful I am and such and then he busts this out of no where. He told me that he wants us to go a week without sex b/c he wants to know that I like him for him and not just the sex. He said it starts after he left this morning...lol, which meant he still got sex last night and this am. I'm betting he won't last, but I'm thinking about making him.

Last night's sex was literally some of the best ever. He made me cum so hard and so much that I felt it was only polite to offer to sleep in the giant wet spot. He let me, but he slept cuddled up beside me. We woke up this morning and did it again, though we were both exhausted after only a few hours of sleep, so it was less intense than last night. I'm pretty sure the whole neighborhood heard us last night.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Putting a Nail in That Coffin

Well after complaining our blog was boring things sure took off lol. Jules is contemplating being a one woman man, Gwyn has had some crazy stuff happening that I’m sure she will share eventually (don’t want to bust her scoop!), and I finally found my “balls” and broke it off with The Christian – kinky hot sex be damned!

After an awkward Friday night date to see the new Batman movie (AWESOME BTW) with The Christian and an even more awkward Saturday afternoon at the park, we talked for a long time Saturday night and I told him I just didn’t know that I could get over all the junk we’ve dealt with in the last month.  He begged me to reconsider and told me to think it over. I agreed to sleep on it mostly because we have insane sexual chemistry and I would hate to let that go if I thought we could work through our issues.

Sunday morning I got up and I knew it was time.  We were supposed to get together that afternoon but I wanted it over and done with so I went the less PC route and called him up to break up with him via phone.  After much arguing on his behalf including telling me I’d never find another man who would love me like he did (I sure hope not LOL) and that I’d regret this decision maybe not now but one day in the future, the deed was done. 

Monday we met after work to exchange belongings we’d left at each other’s house along with keys.  Again he wanted to talk me out of it but I cut him off quickly.  After it was done on Sunday and even more so after Monday I felt an enormous sense of relief.  No matter how hard we tried, it was never going to work. We were just too different and I don’t know that I’d ever be completely comfortable just being myself around him.  I didn’t go into a lot of details about our relationship on here but let’s just say he lived up to the name The Christian and we had some major value clashes. Plus he was a bit of a control freak and this girl is just way too independent to tolerate that for very long.

I will actually give Gwyn and Jules major props for opening up my eyes when I was there in Hawaii. We were sitting on the beach one day and they both yelled at me that I was not happy and not acting like myself.  My boss agreed that I had been acting more subdued and that she didn’t like it.  She was never actually a big fan of The Christian in the first place.  Between the three of them holding up that mirror to my face I started to realize how much I was holding back of myself and how much dating him and his every changing moods and control issues were stressing me out.  So thanks girls!

I will say I learned a couple good things from this relationship.  1 - We had some in depth talks about Christianity and a lot of my misgivings or worries about not being a "perfect" Christian have been laid to rest.  Some of the faith I had found before my dad passed away that's been missing feels restored on some level which is good.  2 - I was reminded how easy it is to lose yourself in an intense relationship and how important it is to find that balance between being your single self and your coupled self.  3 - And perhaps most important, I was smacked hard in the face with the fact that no matter how I lamented that Coach was the best lover, there are in fact guys like The Christian who will rock my world much harder than Coach ever could have.

In other major news, I found out Monday that Coach has left town! He got a job in Florida and moved him and his gallons of issues there.  It’s an unbelievable relief to not be constantly on the “look out” for him in town.  Between months and months of that combined with the last two months of dating a control freak I’ve been a little subconsciously stressed out lol.  For the first time in I don’t know how long I feel utterly relaxed. It’s pretty freaking amazing.

After the months of grounding and then dating The Christian it will be very interesting to see how single Miranda acts in the coming months ahead.  I’m not in any big rush to date at the moment but we all know Miranda can only sit at home so long!


PS - Already the crazy boy stuff has begun.  Within hours of making myself "single" again on Facebook blasts from the past Grandpa Twin and Motorcycle Man contacted me. Not that either has a shot in hell but it's still funny. Oh and the 27 year old baby boy in my office has decided to flirt quite heavily with me.  Very ironic indeed. 

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Another Mama Encounter

Here’s a hilarious tale for you all. I don’t know why I decided to tell my mother about The Chilean, but last night we were sitting on the porch and I just kind of spilled it that I was seeing this guy again and that I kind of really like him. Russell was out there and there was a ton of wine flowing and The Chilean was texting me asking me to come over. I had told him earlier in the night that I would when she went to bed. 

Anyway, this texting and such goes on for hours and finally around midnight Russell brings out the weed and starts smoking. I do not know why in life he thought this was ok to do with my mom, but he did! LOL! Well, my mom has only ever shot gunned pot once (or so she says) and she liked it, but it’s not something she does…ever. She totally shot gunned with Russell and was feeling pretty high. 

I have a no technology policy when I drink and/or smoke, but since I was already texting with him she decided she wanted to see him. I pulled up his FB page and she thought he was super cute and proceeds to friend him and then starts messaging him under my account. She asks what his intentions are with me.  We were rolling around laughing. Then he tells my mother that he loves me and that he’s really happy we are back together now that he’s back from FL. Finally at 1am, she and Russell call it a night and I went over to his place. 

He was already in bed and greeted me all cute and sleepy. He kissed me and took me into his room. He moved from the friend’s place and next door into a roommate situation with a surfer guy. It will be a perfect surfer haven for him…haha. I was super drunk, so I don’t remember a lot but I know he fucked the shit out of me and then we passed out. I woke up in pain around 5:30am b/c I have hurt my side from a wreck I was in last weekend, so I came on home to take some meds and fall back into bed before Chloe woke up. I woke up this morning with my nipples feeling very sore, so I know we had a great time! 

On an interesting note, I kind of blew Owen off this morning. I was busy with my mom and Chloe, but I feel like if things continue to progress with The Chilean, I’m going to stop seeing him. I have to make room in my life for him if I decide I really want him in it.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Return of The Chilean

The Chilean is back! I dated him some in 2010, just a few months after I told Russell that I wanted a divorce and a few months after I’d met Gavin. At the time, I was a mess. If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, or you actually know me, you may remember those were pretty dark months. It was not a good time in my life and I’m really glad I’m past it. On a semi related note, Russell and I are like back to being bffs. He moved home earlier than planned b/c he missed me…lol. We’ve been hanging out and doing stuff when the kid isn’t around and it’s just so damn nice to be back in that place. 
Ok, back to The Chilean. I quit seeing him then b/c he wanted me to be his gf and I was NOT in a place to be anyone’s gf.  He told me he loved me and I just wasn’t ready for that at all. I was foolishly smitten with Gavin (thankfully he was the rebound guy) and his attention freaked me out.  I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone just adore me the way he did. It kind of scared me. I have mentioned what an emotional idiot I am and how I have huge commitment issues…well, he played into that big time and I freaked out.
Through the past 2 years though, we have remained friends on Facebook and we would chat periodically online. He moved to FL with a girl and then came back when they broke up and then moved back to a different city there and now is here for good again. Here’s a brief synopsis of him. He’s about 10 years older than I am (he’s a grandpa…lol), from Chile (duh), surfs, works random jobs, and actually supports and takes care of himself like a grown up. He pays for things with me, which isn’t a big deal for me, but I know most of you women care about stuff like that.  I can’t tell yet, but I think he must have some money. He seriously works these super random jobs from like car rental company to bank manager to retail and when he lived here before he had a lot of really nice boards and stuff. He lives pretty simply, which I like, but how else could you afford to keep moving back and forth here if you didn’t have some financial means? TBD.
He moved back Monday and we had been chatting a lot about going out when he got here. He messaged me yesterday and asked if I was free that night. He hasn’t bought a car yet, so I picked him up and we went to the store and picked up some wine and headed to the beach. We sat on the beach talking for hours and making out. He asked why I wasn’t ready before and why I still live with Russell and he seemed to accept all of my answers. He’s very open to my life and one of the things he said he respects most about me is how protective I am of Chloe. He said he appreciates it that I won’t let him meet her until I know this is for real. I don’t think I’ve ever had a man say that. Most of them could either care less about ever meeting her or they want to meet her way sooner than I am ready. Gavin is actually the only one who has officially ever met her and this was after 6 months of seeing him. She met Clark once, but that was when Russell and I were still together and she didn’t clue in at all that I was seeing him.
While we were sitting out there, he kept telling me how beautiful I am and how lucky he feels that I wanted to see him again. Honestly, I’m probably the lucky one. He’s fun and we have amazing sex (he was the biter though…I had to stop that before…that is not amazing.). He’s pretty much got his shit together and like I said, he takes care of himself.  He also has enough of that bad boy side that I’m hot for him. He drinks and does some recreational drugs and likes to party (not in the way Gavin liked to party though!).
As we were sitting out there, it started to rain so we moved under the lifeguard tower. He had me really worked up since it has been weeks since I had had sex last and while I had not intended to have sex with him last night, I totally did right then and it was totally awesome.  He remembers a lot of the things I like and he was doing them. I was actually surprised at all he did remember about me. He remembered where we were when he kissed me the first time. 
When I took him home, he asked me to stay but I declined since he’s staying with friends until he gets a place and it seemed like that might be awkward since he just got here again a few days ago.  Russell did tell me that he’s spending tonight at his man cave though and so he’s coming over tonight to spend the night at my house.
PS I actually wrote this at work yesterday. He did come over last night and we had a lovely evening with dinner, wine, and a ton of sex! I just took him home and now I'm racing to work late...lol. 

Getting Grounded In A Good Way

Our blog sucks lately. We apologize.  We talked about that very fact on the beach two weeks ago. I’ll try to do better and update more again.

After our time apart, The Christian and I got together on Saturday and talked. I told him I needed space.  I needed my “me” time. I couldn’t be everything to him and I didn’t want to be. I already tried that with Duckie.  We went through a laundry list of issues and we both walked away from the conversation feeling pretty good all in all. Then we went to dinner and got a wild hair to go to a sex shop where we bought an array of toys and put them to good use that night.  We easily had the roughest sex I’ve ever experienced and I loved every freaking minute of it.  After so many years of wanting rougher sex it’s nice to have someone who likes it as much as me.  I remember a couple times I asked Coach to pull my hair hard or put his hands on my throat and it freaked him out haha!  The whole afternoon/evening was an odd, funny combination of a serious discussion and kinky fuckery. 

Sunday morning we got up and I went to the pool to bake away my cares while he went to church and did family stuff. He wanted me to go with him but I held my line and took my “me” time which was desperately good for me.  Plus I caught up my tan after a couple cloudy days stole a little of it in Hawaii.  This week he’s been trying really hard to both give me space and time.  The Christian went to a counselor which amazed me and he intends to go again next week.  He said it gave him some good clarity.  He’s been holding up pretty well with me keeping him at arms length emotionally this week along with our “forced” separation since we both have our kids.

He does want me and the kids to go to the beach with him, his kids and his parents in a couple weeks.  He mentioned it a week or so ago and after hedging around it a bit, I put on my big girl panties last night and told him I didn’t think it was a good idea, that it was too much, too fast for the kids and for me.  He was not thrilled but he took it like a grown up. 

The Christian says he feels very insecure like he’s out on a limb emotionally with “us” and I’ve pulled back which is entirely accurate.  I have pulled back from him so that I can focus on me and being who I am without falling back into my old pattern of trying to be the “perfect” version of myself for someone else.  I actually feel really good this week. Much more grounded.  Even my boss has said I just seem lighter somehow.  We’ll see if The Christian can hold in there or if he implodes from stress and insecurity.

Honestly right now I feel like I’m subconsciously pushing him a bit and testing him to see how much room he can give me.  He’s done WAY better than I expected so that says a lot about him. That being said he’s got to slow down a bit.  Talking to Gwyn last night I had a total brain fart and said we’d been dating three months when we’ve really only been dating two!  I guess he’s made it feel longer which is both good and bad lol.

At any rate, I do really feel much more myself and much less like I’m trying to be something I’m not.  As we go into a week without kids we’ll see if we can get along in person as well as we’ve got along via phone this week.  I still feel like my single me is warring somewhat with my relationship me.  I wonder how much of it is related to things that have happened between The Christian and I and how much of it is if I’m trying too hard to make a round peg fit in a square hole.  Or maybe after everything that happened with Coach and my grounding I just wasn’t quite emotionally/mentally ready to fall into a relationship and since I did do that, now I’ve got to figure out which way to go. 


Wednesday, July 11, 2012


A lot has happened and I’ve been a very bad blogger. The girls and I actually had a discussion on the beach last week about the blog and how to keep it going because we all feel like we’ve gotten a little boring.
Last week with the girls in Hawaii was awesome as usual. I never get enough of them or Hawaii.  This was my first trip taking my kids and my mom and all in all it was really great. The kids absolutely loved it there and my mom did too (until the end of the week when she went temporarily insane but that’s a whole nother can of worms).  It was very cool to get to show the kids “my Hawaii” and take them to do things like turtle stalk, snorkeling, and exploring all the island has to offer. I think they would both love to live there. Now if I could only convince Duckie lol.

Aside from that I’ve had some big issues come up with The Christian.  He’s got some severe insecurities he needs to deal with. Insecurities that make him try to be controlling which I buck against and when I don’t cave like his past girlfriends it makes the issues implode more.  It’s a weird relationship. When we’re good, we’re freaking amazing.  Like out of the world awesome. But when we’re not good, it’s NOT good.  And I’ve found myself falling into old habits of trying to please the other person to a level where it becomes detrimental to me.  I try so hard to be what I think the other person wants that I forget who I am. 

I realized a big part of this sitting on the beach with the girls last week.  We were dancing around talking about The Christian and I can’t remember what started it but both Jules and Gwyn expressed serious concerns with what little they have heard and they both told me I seemed different.  Unhappy.  Stressed.  Just not the normal Miranda. That was a real wake up call to me.

The next day, I told The Christian I wasn’t talking to him again until my feet left Hawaii.  He didn’t like it and he texted me a few times in the following days but I kept distance between us.  Sunday he picked me and the kids up from the airport and we spent some time together that felt awkward but ended on a good note.  Monday afternoon/night was awesome.  Everything was smooth, easy, and felt insanely perfect.  Then last night it all flipped again and it was not good.  I told him I was not going to talk an issue to death and asked him to leave last night. To give me space to figure out what I wanted. 

I was damn proud of myself for doing that.  The Christian and his insecurities are freaked out right now.  He called me this morning to beg my forgiveness and ask me to see him tonight and I said no.  I told him I didn’t want to see or talk to him right now. That I felt like I was pushed over my limits and I needed space.  I told him we could talk in the next couple days but to leave me entirely alone until then. No texting, no calling, no emailing. Nothing.  I need space and room to figure out what the hell to do. 

If when things were good they weren’t SOOOO GOOD, it’d be a lot easier to walk away.  I know he has some serious insecurities’ but it’s not my job to fix them, nor do I want to. I’ve worked too hard on fixing my own to get dragged down and mired in someone else’s drama.  I do have incredibly strong feelings for him, but I can’t “fix” him. He has to do that himself. So I’m going to take the next few days to remember who I am and what I want.  We’ll see where we go from there.