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Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Enough


A lot has happened and I’ve been a very bad blogger. The girls and I actually had a discussion on the beach last week about the blog and how to keep it going because we all feel like we’ve gotten a little boring.
Last week with the girls in Hawaii was awesome as usual. I never get enough of them or Hawaii.  This was my first trip taking my kids and my mom and all in all it was really great. The kids absolutely loved it there and my mom did too (until the end of the week when she went temporarily insane but that’s a whole nother can of worms).  It was very cool to get to show the kids “my Hawaii” and take them to do things like turtle stalk, snorkeling, and exploring all the island has to offer. I think they would both love to live there. Now if I could only convince Duckie lol.

Aside from that I’ve had some big issues come up with The Christian.  He’s got some severe insecurities he needs to deal with. Insecurities that make him try to be controlling which I buck against and when I don’t cave like his past girlfriends it makes the issues implode more.  It’s a weird relationship. When we’re good, we’re freaking amazing.  Like out of the world awesome. But when we’re not good, it’s NOT good.  And I’ve found myself falling into old habits of trying to please the other person to a level where it becomes detrimental to me.  I try so hard to be what I think the other person wants that I forget who I am. 

I realized a big part of this sitting on the beach with the girls last week.  We were dancing around talking about The Christian and I can’t remember what started it but both Jules and Gwyn expressed serious concerns with what little they have heard and they both told me I seemed different.  Unhappy.  Stressed.  Just not the normal Miranda. That was a real wake up call to me.

The next day, I told The Christian I wasn’t talking to him again until my feet left Hawaii.  He didn’t like it and he texted me a few times in the following days but I kept distance between us.  Sunday he picked me and the kids up from the airport and we spent some time together that felt awkward but ended on a good note.  Monday afternoon/night was awesome.  Everything was smooth, easy, and felt insanely perfect.  Then last night it all flipped again and it was not good.  I told him I was not going to talk an issue to death and asked him to leave last night. To give me space to figure out what I wanted. 

I was damn proud of myself for doing that.  The Christian and his insecurities are freaked out right now.  He called me this morning to beg my forgiveness and ask me to see him tonight and I said no.  I told him I didn’t want to see or talk to him right now. That I felt like I was pushed over my limits and I needed space.  I told him we could talk in the next couple days but to leave me entirely alone until then. No texting, no calling, no emailing. Nothing.  I need space and room to figure out what the hell to do. 

If when things were good they weren’t SOOOO GOOD, it’d be a lot easier to walk away.  I know he has some serious insecurities’ but it’s not my job to fix them, nor do I want to. I’ve worked too hard on fixing my own to get dragged down and mired in someone else’s drama.  I do have incredibly strong feelings for him, but I can’t “fix” him. He has to do that himself. So I’m going to take the next few days to remember who I am and what I want.  We’ll see where we go from there.

Miranda

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