Thursday, July 19, 2012

Getting Grounded In A Good Way

Our blog sucks lately. We apologize.  We talked about that very fact on the beach two weeks ago. I’ll try to do better and update more again.

After our time apart, The Christian and I got together on Saturday and talked. I told him I needed space.  I needed my “me” time. I couldn’t be everything to him and I didn’t want to be. I already tried that with Duckie.  We went through a laundry list of issues and we both walked away from the conversation feeling pretty good all in all. Then we went to dinner and got a wild hair to go to a sex shop where we bought an array of toys and put them to good use that night.  We easily had the roughest sex I’ve ever experienced and I loved every freaking minute of it.  After so many years of wanting rougher sex it’s nice to have someone who likes it as much as me.  I remember a couple times I asked Coach to pull my hair hard or put his hands on my throat and it freaked him out haha!  The whole afternoon/evening was an odd, funny combination of a serious discussion and kinky fuckery. 

Sunday morning we got up and I went to the pool to bake away my cares while he went to church and did family stuff. He wanted me to go with him but I held my line and took my “me” time which was desperately good for me.  Plus I caught up my tan after a couple cloudy days stole a little of it in Hawaii.  This week he’s been trying really hard to both give me space and time.  The Christian went to a counselor which amazed me and he intends to go again next week.  He said it gave him some good clarity.  He’s been holding up pretty well with me keeping him at arms length emotionally this week along with our “forced” separation since we both have our kids.

He does want me and the kids to go to the beach with him, his kids and his parents in a couple weeks.  He mentioned it a week or so ago and after hedging around it a bit, I put on my big girl panties last night and told him I didn’t think it was a good idea, that it was too much, too fast for the kids and for me.  He was not thrilled but he took it like a grown up. 

The Christian says he feels very insecure like he’s out on a limb emotionally with “us” and I’ve pulled back which is entirely accurate.  I have pulled back from him so that I can focus on me and being who I am without falling back into my old pattern of trying to be the “perfect” version of myself for someone else.  I actually feel really good this week. Much more grounded.  Even my boss has said I just seem lighter somehow.  We’ll see if The Christian can hold in there or if he implodes from stress and insecurity.

Honestly right now I feel like I’m subconsciously pushing him a bit and testing him to see how much room he can give me.  He’s done WAY better than I expected so that says a lot about him. That being said he’s got to slow down a bit.  Talking to Gwyn last night I had a total brain fart and said we’d been dating three months when we’ve really only been dating two!  I guess he’s made it feel longer which is both good and bad lol.

At any rate, I do really feel much more myself and much less like I’m trying to be something I’m not.  As we go into a week without kids we’ll see if we can get along in person as well as we’ve got along via phone this week.  I still feel like my single me is warring somewhat with my relationship me.  I wonder how much of it is related to things that have happened between The Christian and I and how much of it is if I’m trying too hard to make a round peg fit in a square hole.  Or maybe after everything that happened with Coach and my grounding I just wasn’t quite emotionally/mentally ready to fall into a relationship and since I did do that, now I’ve got to figure out which way to go. 


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