Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Hello Universe...What Are You Doing?

WTF is up?? Just when I thought things were being laid out quickly and clearly, I didn't wait long enough for the rest to unfold. Clark started texting me around 10:30pm last night and was telling me how much he misses me and that he'll figure out a way around all of this. We were still texting at 11:30 when Gavin called from a bar around the corner asking if he could come over. He said he just wanted to hang out...yeah, right. So I quit texting Clark, but decided to not do anything to myself since I was already in bed with my hair up in a ponytail and everything. Gavin gets here and walks into my room and takes what I'm reading and lays it down. He said he was hungry and asked if I would feed him. Then he says "This isn't a booty call. I just wanted to come hang out with you." I laughed at him, uncovered myself, and he watched me get my naked body out of the bed to go fix him a sandwich. He changed his mind about his intentions. He ended up giving me some great sex. I love that he can cum more than once and that he does it with relative ease. Men that can keep going after cumming are a huge turn on for me! It was really late at this point but we went outside and hung on the porch for a little while. I wonder if things will cool down again soon. He's pulling me in right now pretty hard, but we still keep it as friends. We don't discuss feelings or anything...well, I don't anyway. He's told me how much he likes me and wishes he were available, but then won't do anything to make himself that way.  Then in the next breath, he tells me that he loves her and then he tells me that she's old and washed up. I swear he's all over the place with this. Mindfucking...but whatever I take it in stride these days.

When he left I resumed texting with Clark and told him I'd just fallen asleep. I'm a bad, I know. So we kept talking for a while and he kept telling me things like how much he wants to just be with me. It finally ended with him basically back peddling on the whole not being monogamous thing. He said it drives him crazy that I'm seeing other guys and he wants me to just be with him and that he'll do the same (when he leaves her...of course he wants me to start now). I told him that's not very fair of him to ask and we kind of left it like that. I want to be with him, but I also have no intentions of just hanging around waiting for him either. I like that it's forcing us to talk more though before jumping into something. I think ultimately it will give us a better sense of who we are and if we're going to be able to make this work. I don't know about the monogamy thing though...that seems to be a wild card on both of our ends. I can honestly say that if I had open, easy access to his cock, I probably would be faithful. It's really, really good with him.

Owen emailed me last night in the midst of all of this too to see what I was doing this morning. I told him I hoped him, but he sent me a follow up email this morning saying the wife was around and he didn't think he could get away. Oddly, I'm not disappointed. It could be because then I won't feel guilty about fucking him behind Clark's back or it could be that I'm still good from the sex with Gavin. Although sex with Owen still tops it all...he's simply the best of the three.

I Told You I Am A Weirdo Magnet

Friday night I invited Undercover to go out with me and my girlfriend from high school and her boyfriend. This particular friend is my crazy one who is currently separated and recently appeared in court due to assault charges filed by her ex-husband (we argue all the time over whether to call him her husband, since he technically is, or her ex-husband). I figured this would be the make or break date for me and Undercover and I wanted to get him out with a group to see if his weirdness level changed any and to get at least one more friend's opinion on him. I chose my crazy friend because she tells it like it is.

We hung out a little while at my friend's apartment and then headed out to a local bar to eat and grab some beers. The night was pretty tame although I did get quite a nice buzz going. We ended the night at about 2am after a few very intense games of Asshole (the drinking card game). Undercover mixed well with the group and my friend told me she could sense his 'weird vibe' but that he was super hot and seemed normal enough. She gave him her seal of approval.

After we left her apartment we went back to my house and smoked a little herbal refreshment then headed upstairs. I was really nervous to let my guard down with him but I had decided before the date even began that unless he totally did something horrible I was going to have sex with him. My thinking was that I needed to go ahead and get that out of the way to see if the chemistry was there or not and to see how comfortable or uncomfortable it would be for me. The sex was good. It wasn't as good as with The Barber but for a first time I was definitely satisfied. We kept it pretty basic but I can tell he's got a freaky side and likes to take charge, which for me is a necessity.

At some point after the deed was done, I noticed Undercover pull a little white pill out from his jean pocket and place it on the dresser. Then he took it. He didn't try to hide it or anything so I asked him what it was. He told me the name (Risperdol) and told me he didn't want to get into it or it would 'open up a can of worms we don't need to open'. I responded by saying that he may not want to open the can but I sure as hell did. He gave me a vague answer and I didn't press it but he did tell me to look up the medicine online. More on this later.

The next morning, I invited him to hang with me at the pool (along with Miranda, my friend and her boyfriend). I told Miranda about the mysterious pill and while Undercover was in the bathroom we googled it on my BB. I almost dropped the phone. Risperdol is used mainly to treat PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIA!!! I exited the screen and couldn't read anything past that first sentence. I was totally freaked. Eventually, Miranda calmed me down and I did some more investigating. Apparently, it is an anti-psychotic (gasp and heart palpatation) used also to treat things like bipolar disorder and manic depression and a whole list of other mental health related issues. Now, I self medicate quite often so I'm no one to judge another person for taking a medicine for something other than its intended use but I had to confront Undercover on this issue. Was he taking it for an actual diagnosis? Was he self-medicating an illness that hadn't been diagnosed? How long had he been taking this?

We stayed at the pool most of the afternoon and after the rest of the group left I asked Undercover for more details and told him I had looked the medicine up online. He gave me a couple more vague answers about how he started taking it a year ago........helps him not obsess or dwell on problems.....helps him not be paranoid and make connections between things/issues/events that shouldn't be connected......not sure exactly why it helps him but it must change his brain chemistry.......issues may just be related to what was going on at the time he was prescribed the medicine. His answers didn't seem dishonest but I still felt he was holding back some. But, since this was still only the second week we've hung out, I decided to stop my questions and bring it up another time to get more information. I mean no one is perfect right? And I certainly have skeletons in my closet that I don't feel comfortable talking about with someone I'm just beginning to get to know. That being said, I will get to the bottom of this mystery before any final decisions about Undercover are made.

After the pool we went to my house to watch some tv and hang out - he had already asked if I wanted him to stay again and I told him no I needed my alone time so he would have to leave at a decent hour. He obliged and headed out around 6pm that evening. Overall, I had a good time with him and he acted completely appropriately. But now I'm sure that the 'weird vibe' I get from him (and have gotten since his first email to me) isn't just me being too analytical. He's clearly got something going on and I have got to find out exactly what it is!

Some funny side notes and updates:
*I forgot to report that last week when I had my quickie with The Barber, on his way out of my house he stopped at the fridge and grabbed a can of Miller Lite saying "I need a beer after that sex." Undercover bought those beers for me on Tuesday night.
*The Barber texted me Friday night while out on my date with Undercover and then called me at like 11am Saturday morning, while I was still with Undercover. I excused myself and went and talked to him upstairs in my bathroom. When he asked what I was doing I was honest and said 'getting ready to go to the pool'. He told me to have lots of fun. Lol I almost died.
*Yesterday was The Barber's 30th birthday. We talked briefly, he is still in NY, and plan to get together either tonight or tomorrow depending on when he gets home. He says he has sworn off drinking so I'm sure he's been enjoying himself in NYC. I told Miranda I think that my birthday gift to him really won me some points because it was rare for him to text and call me like that from out of town. Tonight my roommate (who's nickname is Sex on a Stick) is teaching me some stripper dance moves so that I can give The Barber another late bday gift when he gets back in town......hopefully I can manage to keep a straight face.


Worlds Colliding - Yet Again!

O-M-G. I just laughed until tears were streaming down my face.

I’ve had three of the funniest things happen in the last 12 hours. First up, after a terrible softball game that included me bruising my hip and being hit in the head by a ball, I was moping and talking to FJB on IM. He told me he was scouring EBay for a wireless router for me to help me pick up my internet signal better and then he actually bought one for me. And he even managed to find one in the same town so it will get here more quickly. It’s not flowers or candy but I think it’s a step in the right direction and perfectly appro for his personality. LOL!

Then even better, this morning I saw a list Duckie had made for himself. Apparently, it is his “to-do” list for tonight and it cracked me up. Verbatim…
  • email NAME on match
  • put weights together
  • wrestle kids
  • cook dinner
  • search match
  • clean/pickup the house
Bless him. There is so much funny about this list and it is par for the course folks. He used to make lists like this all the time. Should I be concerned he has to remind himself to cook dinner and clean the house? How odd to put “wrestle kids” on the list! LMFAO!

Note he mentioned something to do with Match.com twice. Too funny. I do know Duckie told Sawyer that he broke up with the girl he was seeing because she said she loved him. Who knows if that’s true but it looks like he’s back on the market. Sawyer had some less than flattering things to say about how this girl looked too. Ha! I hope that Duckie will find someone new soon because he’s a lot happier when he is seeing someone.

Now the other classic part to this funny morning is just too much. It’s hard to believe it’s real but it is. Notice in the first bullet he mentioned specifically emailing a certain girl on Match (of course I’ve removed her actual username to protect her identity). Well being my naturally nosy and curious self I looked her up. And wait for it….she lives in the same apartment building as me!

Yes, you read that right! When I saw her picture, I literally almost had to lie on the floor to catch my breath from laughing. Of all the freaking people to be interested in he likes her. She and I actually talk quite frequently down at the pool and her daughter and Ladybug play together all the time. I see this woman almost daily and I even know several members of her family from the church I used to attend.

I cannot even imagine his face when he finds out where she lives. How ironic would it be if he ends up sleeping with my neighbor after I was sleeping with Sawyer (his neighbor) all these months! This morning has been too much!


Monday, August 30, 2010

A Zen Approach

Well here’s a lesson in being careful what you ask for, because sometimes you may just get it! Last night, I posted something on FB about letting the universe sort out this boy situation for me so that I didn’t have to put a lot of effort into it myself. It answered quickly! I received a text from Clark this morning saying that he has a new supervisor at work that knows his gf and therefore we can’t meet out while he’s at work anymore…which was the only way we were able to see each other. So, I have no idea where this is going to go now. I’m not going to just sit around and wait for her to decide to leave him. I fully understand why he can’t leave her (or why he feels like he can’t), but frankly none of it is my problem. Our conversation was pretty quick this morning because by the time I woke up and answered his text, he was getting ready to go home. I’m sure he’ll text me more tonight and we’ll discuss it further, though I’m not sure what there is to discuss at this juncture. I’m just glad it happened now and not later when we were further into things. Plus, I’m not sure that I really want to be with a man that can’t own responsibility for his actions and handle his affairs. If we are meant to be together, we will. The universe crossed our paths again for a reason, I just don’t know the reason yet.

I feel that way about Gavin too. I’m really not sure where things are going with him either. We’ve been doing this thing for about 6 months now and he’s pretty hot and heavy at the moment. As I’ve said I think time will tell regarding whether or not he moves in with his gf, which would be my luck this week. However if that happens, then clearly it’s my sign that we really aren’t meant to be together either, which is what I tend to believe to be true. I just can’t seem to shake this attraction I have to him. He just called and invited me to lunch since he’s in town today. I declined because I only have an hour and my boss already invited me to share something she brought in. I did tell him Russell is working late again tonight and he can come hang out later if he wants. If that happens, this will be the 4th night in a row.

I received an email today from Adam explaining why he’s been MIA from my life for the past few months. It appears he’s concerned about my recent behaviors, though I did point out to him that he disappeared before any of this summer’s drama really came into effect. It did make me think though that if you just read the blog and don’t know my day to day life or bother keeping in touch beyond this, I can see where you would be concerned. If any of you that know me are also worried, rest assured I’m fine. I have been using some recreational substances with Gavin from time to time, but I’m pretty busy these days and I’m definitely keeping it in check. Russell and I are getting along really well at the moment and have seemed to find some balance in this crazy situation. Things are looking up and I’m just going with the flow and letting the universe guide me where it wants. I may not always like it, but I know things will work out in the end and if not, it’s not the end.
-Zen Master Jules

Quickie Update

HA, you guys are thinking this is about sex aren't you? Well of course it is in a way...but I meant a quick update.

Gavin called me tonight to see if I wanted to hang out. I said yes because my house was free and I knew that he would leave before it was time for me to go meet Clark since Russell had to come home for all of that to occur. He came over and since Chloe was up, we hung out on the porch for a little while drinking and talking. Finally she went to sleep and I actually upheld my pseudo agreement with Clark and just gave Gavin an amazing blow job instead of fucking him. (In case you think I'm bragging about the amazing...he came twice.) I did this for 2 reasons. 1. I thought I was seeing Clark in a few hours and even I'm not quite that big of a whore. 2. I felt a tiny twinge of guilt after fucking Gavin last night because Clark and I did have a long discussion about him specifically and his distaste for the things I do with him. So even though I'm still my own free agent in my mind until the gf is gone, I'm trying to behave somewhat. I don't think it will last long because if Owen calls me Tuesday to hook up, it's ON. Trust me, this girl isn't reforming much. ;)

In the end, Clark couldn't meet up tonight so it's looks like we're going to try for tomorrow night instead. This juggling two men that are so hot and heavy could be hard. Owen is easy b/c he's about once a week on Tuesdays (usually morning). These other 2 are kind of wildcards.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Reform School Girl

Boy has a lot changed in six weeks. Let’s recap shall we?  First there was the whole apex of my craziness and the night I found out I had Chlamydia, thanks to Cabana Boy – only boy I was with who had it. Interesting….  Then I met crazy IT and had that intense two week thing with it resulting in him going entirely batshit crazy and me considering changing my phone umber.  Then there was the resurgence of FJB, really the only guy I’ve actually “like” liked, and our majorly surprising date on Wednesday.  Sheesh!  Really this is my life? No wonder if feels like freaking summer flew by.

So after my whiney post on Friday I’m really trying to hang on to my sanity and not overanalyze everything with him.  We had extremely tentative plans to do something Friday night but then FJB decided he felt anti-social so I, yes Miranda the girl who hates to stay home, stayed home on Friday.  Know what I did?  I cleaned, organized my closet, hung a few pictures, did laundry, cleaned some more, unpacked a couple of boxes that were left from the move, watched really bad TV, and wound it up sewing on loose buttons on several items of clothes.  Hell of a Friday night folks.  But I was determined to stay in because I’m trying to be a reformed party girl for FJB.  Of course thinking of me as a reformed party girl is sort of like trying to claim that Paris Hilton actually has some sort of beneficial presence in the world.

So Saturday I spring from the bed to head to the pool with Gwyn and friends and as I’m checking email FJB pops up in IM.  We talk for a minute and then I give in and call him.  Let me digress to say I am so not a phone talker. I don’t know why.  I used to LOVE to talk on the phone but somehow now if it’s not texting, I’m just not interested.  So back to calling FJB, we talk for a few minutes and par for the course it’s like pulling teeth to get plans made.  Ex.  FJB – What are you doing tonight? Miranda – Nothing, I have no plans past going to the pool.  EONS OF SILENCE Miranda – Do you want to do something tonight?  FJB – Yeah sure.  Seriously!  Sometimes he’s so hesitant to put himself out there!

I actually invited him to hang out at the pool but he’s not much for pool time and I think the idea of walking in to a big group of my friends is probably too much for his anti-social self.  Side note – how is it that I “Ms Social Butterfly” have fallen for Mr. Anti-Social??  So he says to just call him when I’m on the way home.  Next follows several delightful hours of pool time with the girls and then I head back home for my as to yet unplanned date with FJB. 

We ended up just hanging out at his house for a bit and then headed downtown to listen to a band and have some drinks. Over drinks, I brought up the whole issue of what was going on with us.  We kind of started this thing as friends but clearly we did way more than what normal friends do so I just wanted some clarity.  I HATE AMBIGUITY!  We bantered back and forth and then headed back to his place.  FJB actually opened up to me (a little lol) on some of his trust issues and I didn’t want to pry for more details than he was comfortable giving but I do feel like I have a tiny bit more insight into him now.

We crashed because it was getting late and I have to say, I freaking love sleeping with him, get your minds out of the gutter! I’m talking actual sleeping.  I don’t know how it feels to him but it just seems so comfortable to me.  Just enough cuddling, some time apart, and then we end up back snuggling.  For the girl who was the anti-toucher while she was asleep, I sure do love sleepy time cuddling now. 

Undercover of darkness while we were lying in bed I decided to just lay it all out on the table. I figured if I wanted FJB to trust me, I had to blatantly tell him how I was feeling.  So I told him, and honestly, it scared me to death.  I told him I really liked him and that I always had.  That if this was just a “friends” thing I could try to be his friend but I didn’t think I’d be able to do just that.  But if he wanted to take this further, he should know I wasn’t talking to anyone else or dating anyone else.  The rest is up to him folks.

After another delightful FJB trademark wake up call we just lounged around and hung out for a while before grabbing some breakfast.  Then we watched a movie and I figured he was itching for some Gwyn sized alone time so I headed home.   Please note he did initiate the good bye hug and kiss and said he’d call me.

So the ball is in FJB’s court.  He’s running the show.  I’m going to just try to chill out and give him some space and let him take the lead. I think that’s what needs to happen for him to feel comfortable and for him to trust me completely.


PS – FYI – Twin texted me some on Friday and I succeeded in scaring him off telepathically.  He told me he thought I was “too wild for him but a hell of a sexy girl.” HAHAHAH!

Also, College Crush has been very distant so he is definitely picking up on my vibe of I’m interested in someone else.

Lastly, the fucking man radar was on high alert today apparently because who should call me, yes I said CALL me, while I was with FJB…. Fucking Sawyer.  He left an asinine voicemail about missing me and wanting to see me soon.  Time for Sawyer to get a rude awakening.

Feelings and Mind Fucks

Yesterday was a really, really weird day with the boy toys. It started with Clark just randomly texting me first thing in the morning. He really didn't seem to want to chat, but was seemingly just checking to see what I was doing. He had base duty, so he was at work all day. Around lunchtime, Gavin called me to see what I was doing and to feel out if he could hang out with me. His intention was to take me to a Greek festival in town, which I would have loved to do. I couldn't though  because I had Chloe with me. Then he starts going on about how he thinks he may actually move in with the gf, but has a lot of hesitations with this you know because she still has a restraining order against him and because he thinks she treats him like shit. I finally told him that it's just too hard for me to listen to this stuff and NOT comment. I'm one of the MOST opinionated people in the world and I told him I almost have to bite my tongue in half when he starts in on this shit. He asked me my opinion and I told him. I laid it out and told him that I was telling him this as his friend and not for any ulterior motives on my part (which was totally true).  He listened and said that some other people have pretty much told him the same things.

I hadn't hung up the telephone good when Clark starts texting me again and this time is being really chatty. We ended up texting for like 4 1/2 hours. During the course of this we talked a lot about us and where he sees this going. I expressed a lot of my concerns and we addressed them. It was a crazy conversation. At one point in there, he asked if I would have another baby for him. After I picked my jaw up off the beach,  I reminded him that I already have a child and I wasn't really planning on having more, but it was something that we could talk about if he really wanted to be a Dad at some point down the road. I was totally freaking out by this point. For starters, I haven't had a conversation about the future with anyone since I got married 10 years ago. Actually come to think of it, my husband is the ONLY person I've ever had a future conversation with...ever.

I really like Clark and I liked a lot of what he said to me yesterday (outside of the baby thing). Secondly, by the time I would be ready to have another kid (and I can't believe I just type that sentence!), I would be about 37 or 38 and the risks are so much higher than they were when I was 27 and had Chloe.  I did find out that he really doesn't have a good relationship with his parents at all. He said they all fight too much and he hates spending time with them. This was a huge relief because I'm pretty sure they are not my kind of people. We share a lot of the same beliefs, except he's not a big ole liberal like I am. We then talked about the guys I'm currently seeing. It's funny how hypocritical he is with this, but won't admit it openly. It bothers the crap out of him that I'm seeing Gavin and Owen too, but we have agreed that monogamy isn't something that would ever work for us. We discussed that if we're going to see other people that it would just be for sex only (no feelings, no dating) and that we would always tell the other one.

 Basically he's told me that when we get to  the point where we can really be together (as in when his gf is gone) he really wants me to just see Owen and drop this thing with Gavin. I told him about the recreational drug use with Gavin and he kind of flipped out on that. He pretty much told me that if I'm with him, I can't be using drugs...ever. I told him that I would agree to that because honestly it's not something I should be doing anyway. He had a really strong reaction to this part of me and I questioned why. It seems his Dad also struggles with some substance abuse issues (though by his size I'm betting it's NOT cocaine...lol). I didn't press for more information because it was fairly clear he didn't want to discuss it. We ended the conversation with him telling me he wants to know before I see them and then he tried to tell me that my body is his now and he only wants me to have oral sex with them. Gavin would totally be fine with that restriction because his favorite thing is the way I blow him, but Owen would not be down with that. I told him as much and he said he wants me to take pics with Owen next time I'm with him for him to see. I told him that was plausible because Owen and I have actually discussed taking pics before.

Anyway, I reminded him that he wasn't really upholding his end of the we're not going to be monogamous bargain by laying down these restrictions and that I can't always tell him because I can't call and text him freely! It was a totally strange conversation, but one that was definitely geared toward us moving forward together at some point. Oh, I also told him that I won't be re-introducing him to Chloe for a long time until I know that this is all for real and that this will of course really restrict some of my availability. To my pleasant surprise, he was totally awesome about that and understanding. I think that he can be right now though because he still has a gf in place too...regardless of his utter dislike for her at the moment, it's still someone to pay attention to him.

On the way home from a shopping trip and dinner with Chloe, Gavin calls me to see if we can hang out tonight. I told him if he wanted to that we could and I'd be available after 9pm when Chloe was asleep. I'm working under the assumption that this thing with Clark isn't really official until the gf is gone by the way, so I'm still a pretty free agent. He came over and we had the same amazingly hot sex that we had last weekend in the hotel. When he's on, he's really on! He was in a great mood last night and was being very funny and charming. I really do like him, but again I don't really see us ever going anywhere more than where we are...which is fine with me. I do think that if Clark and I were to become more that I would eventually stop seeing Gavin because it could get sticky and I think if Gavin and his gf did break up at some point, he would really expect me to step things up with him too. After the amazing sex, we went out and hung on my porch drinking and talking for hours. He told me that he wished he wasn't with the gf and that he and I are better friends than they are (and have been in years) and he wishes that he could fully explore this with me but doesn't think it's fair to me right now because he does still have feelings for the gf. I told him that I'm totally find being FWB and he said he loves being with his porn star lover and how open I am with him sexually and how cool I am to hang out with as well. We talked some more about how toxic his relationship is with the gf and I think he's leaning away from moving in with her, but I don't know...time will tell this week I suppose because he needs a place by Wednesday I think. I also called him out on using me as a pawn last weekend and he was shocked enough in earnest that I honestly no longer think that was in intention.

He (Gavin) called me again this morning to see if I could spend the day with him going to another part of the island to pick up something for his kid's race next weekend and to have lunch. I again explained that I have Chloe and I can't. I don't think he's ever been with anyone that was so reluctant to have him meet their kid. I'm just uber protective of her and I'm not  introducing her to everyone I see....period. He's great with kids and I think she would adore him, but it's still just not cool. If he wasn't with the gf and I thought we were going to actually be together (which clearly I don't), I would. At some point they will definitely meet though because I want him to teach her to surf when she gets more comfortable in the water. Anyway, he asked me again to go to Kauai next weekend but  I can't for many reasons. Then he says, maybe next year I can or maybe I can go with them to Maui next time they go for that race too.

I'm feeling a little torn and mind fucked at the moment. I honestly don't have feelings for Owen, but I definitely have some for Clark and if I'm honest I have some for Gavin as well...but Clark is clearly the more appropriate relationship choice if I were to ever take it to the next level with either of them. I'm very curious to see how everything plays out in the end. I think if Gavin moves in with his gf, things will cool down with us considerably because he won't have very much free time...so that could be a big factor. I'm seeing Clark tonight, so this should be interesting in light of our conversation yesterday too.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

DisIllusioned: A Cautionary Tale

I’m a little disillusioned at the moment with Clark. First, I’ve come out from under the spell of the kissing. Second, I did a bad thing and now I regret it. There is such a thing as too much information. Here’s a cautionary tale of when FB stalking becomes dangerous. Last night, we were texting and I was playing on FB, so I started FB stalking him. He and I are not friends (see my previous posts about not really friending my current boy toys), but I was looking at his parents’ pages at that time for pics of him. What I found was not pretty…it was just not pretty. Ironically, we are both from the same state. We didn’t meet there, but it’s kind of funny to be seeing a guy from NC 5,000 miles from home on a rock in the middle of the Pacific.  Ok, so he’s from NC and his parents couldn’t be any more of the stereotypical Southern redneck variety if they tried. I say this coming from a pretty redneck family myself, but oh dear lord I’d bet money people call his dad “Bubba”. Both parents are morbidly obese and his Dad appears to be a big fan of the overalls. I’m afraid now. “They” say that you can tell how a woman will look when she’s old by looking at her mama. If that’s the case, can you tell what a guy will look like by looking at his dad?? Clark actually looks like his mother and his mother used to be a pretty woman. The picture of her holding him in the hospital is great, but it’s obviously gone down hill in the last 25 years. I know I’m being superficial, but it was a scary sight. 
Gavin seems to be over his recent push-pull thing. I’ve just been reflecting on how he’s so present and into me at times, pulling me in, and then after a little while, he gets scared and pushes back. Since I’m not emotionally invested in him, it’s ok but it does start to wear my nerves a little thin. He wanted to hang out last night and called me while I was at school. I told him I’d call him when I got home, but I decided I was tired and it was raining and I didn’t really want to do anything but sit on my couch and watch a movie. He does this to me frequently by the way…says he’ll call later but doesn’t until the next day. So, he called me this morning for some totally bogus reason I think to just check in, but since he’s incapable of verbally expressing himself I guess this was his way of making sure we are ok.  
In the midst of our conversation, he drops that the gf found out he had a girl with him this weekend at the track. I told him I thought that was sure to happen and had thought it was a bad idea at the time for me to go. He said he wasn’t worried about it and told her it was one of his neighbors, but I can’t help but feel like a pawn in his game with her. I don’t mind being used for sex (as this is clearly what I use him for), but I’m pissed about being used in this manner. I’ll say it again…their relationship is just so weird. He’s still looking for a place and she’s looking for a roommate, but she won’t let him move in and it’s fairly clear to everyone that they don’t seem to like each other very much. He’s told me that she’s still selling drugs to make ends meet and recently asked her father for money (and he said no) to pay the bills, but she won’t live with the guy she’s been with for 5 years? Of course, what does that say about him?! I’m so over it. I just want to tell him to grow a pair and get his shit together and move on, but I don’t because it’s none of my business. I’ve decided to just keep on keeping on and see them when I see them and not sweat it because I have too much stuff going on right now with school starting to deal with boy toy drama. I bet by the semester’s end I’m back to just Owen. If Owen keeps his wife’s suspicions down, he’s very drama free. I hate to scale down to once a week sex again, but if it keeps the drama low it might be worth it. 
PS I wrote this at work today. Gavin called me tonight while I was out shopping and asked if he could come over. I told him tonight wasn't a really good night and that Chloe was having a sleepover and I'd promised she could stay up until 10pm. Normally, Gavin is an early to bed kind of guy...so I thought this would deter him. Instead he says, so I can be there about 10:15? Yes, fine...c'mon. I always cave. He came and hung out...we didn't do much...just kind of chilled. There was a little bit of sexual stuff, but not like last weekend. She called about 50 million times while he was here and I finally made him answer the phone. Her suspicions are really up right now. When he left he asked if we could hang out again tomorrow night...guess what I said? Yep...I said "Sure, call me.". Why am I so drawn to this man? I literally get butterflies when I know I'm getting ready to see him or when he calls me, but I don't always like him. It makes no sense. 

Friday, August 27, 2010

Girl Interrupted

So coming down from my FJB high of Thursday today is apparently freaked out Friday. I find myself riddled with insecurity and self-doubt. I don’t like this “caring what a boy feels about me” thing. I don’t like feeling insecure, unsure, and second-guessing what I say and do. WTF! I mean I am far from perfect but I know I’m a “catch” so to speak. I know I’m completely date-worthy. I am independent, don’t need a man to support me, take care of my self, funny, intelligent, and reasonably attractive. So why am I racked with insecurity?

I’m playing it cool with FJB. I mean he knows I like him but I’m not chasing him or making myself overly available. I think a big part of the problem is I’m so used to stage 5 clingers that not having someone all over me (figuratively speaking) feels like unfamiliar territory. Interestingly I’m being fairly “monogamous” because I’ve hardly texted or talked to any other boys and especially not in a flirty way.

I actually declined going back to FJB’s house last night, which felt like the right thing to do, but it still was hard to turn him down. He took it in great stride though. We’re supposed to hang out this weekend so we will see if things are still as good as they were on Wednesday.

I actually almost enjoyed being alone last night LOL! I was talking to Gwyn a couple weeks ago about my issues with being “alone.” You know from my blog posts if I spend a kid free night, especially a kid free night alone, it drives me crazy. Now when I was with Duckie I relished every bit of alone time I could get. My 30-45 minute commute was lovely, staying downstairs after everyone went to bed was de rigueur, and escaping the house to run errands by myself was a gift. Now, not so much. Maybe because I didn’t have a choice about being alone before it seemed like such a gift and now I don’t know how to be “alone.” Maybe I’m just addicted to going out. I’m digressing from my original topic though…

Gwyn’s advice on treating FJB like her is actually quite valuable but I have a question. How can I treat FJB like Gwyn and act like Gwyn myself at the same time? I’m stretching my imagination skills LOL.

This putting myself out there is much harder than I thought. Why is it I can “fake” a relationship with a guy I don’t really like so easily but then when I actually like someone, I get plagued by self-doubt. Sometimes it really sucks to be a girl…


Thursday, August 26, 2010

Happy Birthday You Damn Virgo

I know I just posted but I wanted to do another quickie (excuse the pun) to catch you up to speed on The Barber situation.

I haven't seen him for two weeks as of today. Let me re-phrase that, I hadn't seen him for two weeks as of today. It's not due to a lack of effort on my part let me assure you. After the pseudo-proposal conversation we had last Friday, I didn't hear from him again until Monday. Monday he told me he would call me after he finished playing basketball but he never did. I called once and texted once on Tuesday and got no response. Then at about 9am yesterday morning I get a text saying 'Sorry I've been MIA...think I'm leaving tonight...' By leaving he means driving to NYC to celebrate his 30th birthday, visit family and make some money (use your imagination on that one). He told me he would try his best to see me before he left and I told him that would be lovely because I'm getting a little impatient and a lot horny. Well, guess what, no word from him past 7pm last night. When I woke up this morning I must admit I was annoyed and a little upset that he had left without seeing me. Not to mention the fact that I wouldn't get to see him again until the following Tuesday or Wednesday when he got back.

I resisted the urge to text him something snarky this morning - you may not understand my logic here but I'm really trying to be patient and lenient with him right now. He is dealing with a whole lot of things, including the fact that the mother of his child has stopped communicating with him all together and he has no idea if and when he'll get to see his daughter again. I also have him pretty much figured out. He's not that different from me. When he gets in a funk or a bad mood he shuts down and just becomes a loner. But, when he comes out of it, he's right back to being the guy I fell in love with. So, in the absence of any maltreatment towards me, I try to give him his space and not constantly harp on him about seeing me. It works wonders. When I give him space things between us become much better and eventually, after he has recharged his mental battery, we get closer than we were before. So that has been my tactic these last few months and so far so good.

About 9:45 this morning I got a text from him saying 'I didn't leave last night...probably not leaving until 8...' Once again, I decided not to text him back. After all, he didn't ask for a response he was just telling me his plans and I wasn't about to ask him for the millionth time when I was going to get to see him. Fifteen minutes later he texted 'I really want to see you before I jet...' I had to respond to that one so we set up a lunch time rendevous. I went home from work, put on some new lingerie that he hasn't seen before and texted him to just come upstairs when he got there. He did just that and definitely appreciated my efforts in looking sexy for him even for a quickie - I told him to consider it an early birthday present! We did the damn thing and, expectedly, it didn't last very long. He's normally a marathon man but when we have sex for the first time after a couple of weeks it's usually over in 10 minutes. I actually love it when he finishes quick every once in a while, it's sort of like a power trip for me. He's normally so good at controlling himself that I love it when he loses control!

He apologized profusely for taking so long to see me and told me he was really happy he could see me before he left. I told him he could have this every day if he wanted and sort of winked at him - he totally loved that and said 'Don't worry. I'll be back in a few days and we're hanging out again.' I gave him his real birthday present and it was a smashing success. I got him a really nice hand-blown glass bong with a matching hand-blown bowl piece for it. He said it really made him feel special and I was the only person who got him a gift. I told him I did it because I wanted to and not because I expected anything in return. To which he replied, 'I already know what I'm getting you for your birthday. You're going to be so tickled by it.' I'm not going to place too much faith in that statement so we'll just have to wait until October to see if he follows through!

Then he left and told me he'd be back on Tuesday and I told him I wanted to take him out for a real birthday celebration when he returns. He said he would love to do that and that he would definitely call me from NY. On the drive back to work I texted Miranda to tell her I was in love again. Which is going to make this whole Undercover situation all that more complicated, oh well. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, which could be as early as tomorrow depending on when Undercover wants to hang out again. To be continued.......


Leave My Comfort Zone Alone!!!!!!!

I've really gone and done it this time.

Tuesday was my third date with Undercover, although I'm not counting Saturday's pool party and subsequent hang out or Sunday's hang out time as real dates since we didn't leave my house. Last night counts though because we went out for drinks and he bought me dinner (well, technically the dinner part was chinese delivery after we got home from the drinking but he still paid). I was nervous to see him but excited at the same time.

The evening was going well in my opinion. We talked about lots of interesting things. For instance, I learned that Undercover not only has an Accounting degree and an MBA but he also finished law school and passed the bar! MBA from London Business School and Law School at Penn State. Not too shabby. He is the middle child of three boys - older brother is married with kids and younger brother is single and took over the family business after their dad died. He likes really spicy food and loves to work out and stay active. He has had a lot of girlfriends (I pressed for more info on this but he wouldn't share). He wants to get married and have kids, hopefully a girl first. No red flags, all well and good.

Then I learned a little more and I think this is where my problem begins. Undercover likes to give and get lots of attention. He likes physical affection. He is open and honest and expects the same from the girl he's interested in. He approaches relationships with a positive attitude and feels you learn something from all of them even if they're short. It makes him angry that girls that have had bad experiences (aka ME) take that out on future suitors who would never treat them the way guys have in the past. Did I mention he's a Virgo? Read about these Virgo men and their dating styles online and you'll see why I feel doomed.

So here is where things get tricky for me. I am none of those things. Physical affection makes me uncomfortable, I have to make a conscious effort to show my boyfriends affection outside of during sex. I don't want to be this way but I am - my mom says she made me that way and is constantly apologizing for it. I am not open going in to new relationships. I actually go into them thinking 'I wonder when this one's gonna change it up and start acting like a dick.' The honesty part I'm good at, maybe not in the dating stages but definitely in the boyfriend-girlfriend situation. I wish I could stop punishing potentially great guys for the sins of my exes but it's just not that easy. Especially when those situations in the past were so traumatic for me - it's like the risk of opening up outweighs the benefits in my head because I've seen how bad it can get when you open up to the wrong person. I did explain all of this quite openly to Undercover and he seemed to appreciate learning more about why I am, in his words, weird.

So there we were, just lying on the couch watching a show about Thomas Jefferson and literally out of nowhere Undercover says "Well, I guess I'm gonna go." It was about 10 minutes before the show was going to end and we'd been watching it for almost an hour. I thought it was very weird that he didn't even wait for the show to end before announcing his intent to leave. It literally seemed like he was having a conversation with himself in his head and at that very moment he made up his mind to leave. He put his shoes on, grabbed his stuff and headed for the door. I followed beside him, totally confused, and walked him to his car. I tried to make small talk but he didn't seem the least bit interested. He did kiss me goodbye twice at the car (no tongue but on the lips) but he didn't say a word. Nothing.

I walked back inside completely baffled by his behavior. Now I didn't make out with him or anything but I did lay on him, touch his leg, rub on his chest, etc. All the basic flirty indicators. It's not like he made a move and I rejected him. From the vibe I got I figured either he was fed up with my prude-ish behavior and decided it wasn't worth the trouble or he had looked through my phone and seen something he didn't like. I texted him a quick thank you for dinner....you seemed irritated when you left hope everything is ok...and he didn't respond. About 15 minutes later I tried to call, he didn't pick up. Finally I sent another text saying that I wanted to understand what happened and I had hoped he would stay longer but he didn't give me a chance to ask. He responded to that text, finally, by saying "I probably would have stayed but I needed to know that sooner." I apologized and told him I hadn't planned it out and that maybe the problem was I needed to show him more indicators that I enjoy his company - his response to that was "Yeah." He also told me that he tried to tell me what he likes in terms of relationships/dating (which he did) and that didn't seem to make me adjust the way I was acting. He told me I didn't seem interested in him, especially compared to Saturday (what do you expect you weirdo, I was wasted on Saturday!). Basically, from what I gleaned from his responses he doesn't think I like him. I told him I needed a little time to try and adjust my thinking and he was fine with that.

So here I have a guy in front of me who is clearly interested in me, is very attractive, has a brain and is totally employable, comes from a seemingly normal family, etc. and I'm acting like he's a leper. It's not that I'm not interested it's that I'm not comfortable showing it, for so many unhealthy reasons. And it's not just Undercover who has pointed this out to me, other guys have told me the same thing. It's why I don't pick clingers - I like the busy guys who don't need lots of attention and basically run things on their terms. That way I'm safe, I can't get rejected, my lack of physical affection isn't noticeable and I don't normally have to drive the relationship. I also tend to end up with guys who are similiar to me in the lack-of-affection department. For instance, with The Barber since I see him so rarely the physical build up is so intense that I am able to be affectionate with him (but even with him it's an effort) when we see each other. And, in public, he's not much of a PDA person either, not just with me but with anyone. It's easier for me to be with a guy like him because I stay in my comfort zone. Undercover is making me come out of my comfort zone and it's making me crazy.

I have no idea what to do. Should I throw caution to the wind and give Undercover a real shot? Should I cut him loose and focus on The Barber (who incidentally I just returned to work from seeing for a little lunchtime quickie before he leaves for NYC)? Should I enroll in touch therapy to overcome my aversion to physical affection? Maybe I'll just light a fatty and forget about all my troubles.................


*BTW Miranda has been walking around this place floating on clouds all day with a smile that looks very mischevious. We got a good laugh after my lunchtime escapade because now both of us are grinning ear to ear.........if our boss only knew what little whores we've become.

Don't Wake Me If I'm Dreaming...

What to say, what to say. Let’s just start by saying that all my anxiety about last night with FJB was quite unfounded because it pretty much turned out to be the best possible version of what I could have ever imagined.

I ducked out of work a little early so I could make it home to do all the prep for dinner and get myself ready. At one point, I was literally barefoot and cooking in the kitchen. I texted Jules and Gwyn and told them if I had put on my wedding band and stuffed a pillow under my dress to make a baby bump, I’d be living my own 50’s housewife fantasy.

I was really nervous about cooking. I mean I think I’m a good cook but I so wanted him to be impressed. So I whipped up a batch of my special enchiladas and the most delicious Mexican corn (seriously tasty – just corn, cream cheese, butter, jalapenos, and garlic salt – I could have eaten a vat of this stuff) and proceeded to try to get dressed. I say try because I bet I tried on at least 20 different outfits. I was trying to hit the “I like you and am attracted to you but I’m not going to put it all on display” line correctly. Incidentally, I ended up in a denim mini and a cute black shirt that showed enough of the girls without being over the top. Flip-flops, silver hoops, grabbed the food (and a big cup of wine) and I was out the door.

At one point on the drive my heart was literally pounding. WTF? I never get nervous like that. Thankfully, the wine took the edge off my nerves by the time I got there. So FJB’s inner sanctum is full blown grown up. Matching curtains, formal dining room, scrupulously clean – the whole deal. I was quite impressed and at the same time felt like I needed to go home and clean my apartment again before he ever sets foot back in there. I mean I’m a clean and tidy girl but this was impressive – Gwyn – he even has you and your OCD tendencies beat!

So dinner was in the oven and we just hung out and watched jeopardy like grandma and grandpa LOL. I will note that when we first went in his very grown up living room he sat in “his chair” and I sat on the couch and before I could even register that fact and analyze it, he got up and came and sat beside me. Score! HA! Gwyn had told me that in our situation FJB is “Gwyn” in the relationship so she had given me some pointers on signals that meant he we into me and this was one! That Gwyn is a smart girl…

We had dinner, which was mighty good if I do say so myself, and FJB seemed suitably impressed. He claims his version of enchiladas is better but he did say mine were very good. After he cleaned up the dishes, we headed back out to the living room to hang out. Eventually we had his carrot cake, and I have to give a man props, it was delicious, especially the icing – and it was all homemade. About this time I was definitely feeling like he liked me so I remembered that Gwyn said I’d have to be the one to make the first move and kick it up a notch so I readjusted my position so I was laying on the couch with my legs across him. This gave him many opportunities to take the initiative and run with it, which he did.

At some point I got up and when I came back FJB was laying on the couch, so I cozied up for a snuggle. And while his couch is quite lovely and comfy for sitting, it’s not exactly spooning friendly. I can’t really remember how it got started but I know there was a lot of rubbing and cuddling and I turned over at some point so we were face to face. If I remember correctly, he went in for the sucker punch with a kiss on my forehead and then all my defenses were down.

I’m going to keep the rest of the details to myself because, well, just because. This one is different. And I know he’s a private person so I want to respect that as much as I can while balancing that with my blog life. Last time we dated, I told him about the blog and I think maybe that was part of his issue with trusting me but who knows? At some point I’m going to have to ask him what exactly happened last time.

But I can assure you it was everything I could have hoped for and more. Including sleeping all snuggly and an early morning wake up call I’d sure like to repeat. So much more that I even went in and hid the good old PoF profile this morning and have blown off pretty much every other guy who I’ve been talking to.

FJB is the real deal peeps. Aside from my massive physical and mental attraction to him, he’s a “grown up” (well as much as any of us are grown ups), he’s extremely an extremely contentious host, he’s wickedly sarcastic, entirely entertaining, and he still has the biggest hands I’ve ever seen which only ups his appeal even more.

Now I'm walking around like a teenage girl who can't stop smiling.  I sure hope he doesn’t freak out on me again because quite frankly, this time it’s going to really hurt.


He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

I think I have a crush on Clark. I mean I can tell you guys 85 reasons why we won’t work out, but I can’t help the fact that I’m sitting in my office thinking about kissing him last night. I’m not even as focused on the hot beach sex under the full moon (with no audience this time as we skinny dipped in the ocean).  He was late last night meeting me because of work. I was so tired and all I wanted to do was be in my bed because I knew that I would only end up with about 4 hours of sleep last night the day before work and my first Masters class. I’d only had about 5 hours the night before due to texting with him all night. I knew better than to go out, but I went anyway. It was very worth it, though I may feel differently by the time I get home to post this.
So let me start with the main reasons (not 85 I promise) that I’m skeptical…
  1. He does technically still have a gf. He did tell me last night that she’s back on PoF and he’s hoping she finds someone quickly and moves!
  2. He lives an hour away, which is close to his job, but far from me (and my life) and I doubt he’ll move closer.
  3. He’s 25.
  4. I have a kid and can’t just be at his beck and call like most of the women he’s been with. Ultimately I think my lack of ability to just move in with him and melt into his life will be a source of contention.
  5.  I’ll always worry that he’s going to try to find a younger version. I’ve actually addressed this one with him and he assures me that he likes older women and he especially likes me. I contend that this is fine now that he’s 25 and I’m 34, but what about when I’m 44 or 54? (OMG I just realized I’m future thinking with him…wtf?) We have addressed that it would not be a monogamous relationship, so it’s the ideal version for me but again I worry about this portion.

This kid has clearly sent me into a tailspin. Last night during the midst of our early, early morning rendezvous, he said “I’m so in love with you right now”. I didn’t respond because I honestly think he meant it as he was so in love with the fact that we were there in that moment. He didn’t say it again as we left each other, probably because of my lack of response the first time or because I’m right about how he meant it. I just can’t lightly say it though. I definitely like him (a lot), but I’m not in love with him yet. I am however fixated on how amazing kissing him in the car was before I left to go home. It was one of those kisses where you just feel it all over your entire body. I swear if it hadn’t been almost 2am, I’d have ripped his clothes off for more. So, it’s official…I’ve turned into a stupid girl all over a 25 year old.  I am failing miserably at keeping my emotions out of the sexual with him right now.  I’ll chalk it up to my sheer level of exhaustion and my inability to even think straight at the moment.

In other boy news, I have not heard a peep from Gavin since Sunday afternoon when I left him. He did pass me jogging to Chloe’s school yesterday to pick her up and waved. He didn’t bring me the stuff for work that I needed, but I had a back- up plan so it was ok. I know he’s super busy working all week and trying to find a new place to live. I think he’s freaked out. Since he came back so hot and heavy at the beginning of the month, I think he has no idea what he wants between me and his gf and this weekend just broke his brain a little. I know that I like the FWB thing with him, but I honestly don’t see him and I going anywhere serious. He’s one of those guys that it would be easy to just fall in with and become complacent, but I don’t think I’d ever be truly happy with him if that makes sense. He’s just a “good time guy” as my grandma calls them.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

TMI Tuesday

Apparently this is all the rage in the blog community, along with HNT (Half Naked Thursdays...I had to ask) where you post a half naked picture of yourself. I don't think the girls and I will be participating in that one, but I'll give you a TMI Tuesday about my morning with Owen. I was up until 2am last night in another text marathon with Clark and was literally on my way back to bed for a nap after dropping Chloe off at school when Owen texted me saying that his wife had finally gone back to work today after being off all summer. He asked if my house was available and if he could please come over. I immediately started getting ready and about 30 minutes later his hot self walked through my door to me laying on my bed playing with one of my toys. He LOVES to walk into me doing that. It's always his request, so much so that I didn't even make him ask for it today. I just did it for him. I was almost there when he arrived and he came over to the bed, took my toy, and replaced it with himself. He proceeded to spend the next hour fucking me in every hole he could repeatedly. I came a million times (at least). He came the first time pretty quickly. After he left, I read an email he'd sent last night saying that he's been masturbating so much lately his cock is raw, but he was dying to give it to me today and holy shit did he deliver! The amazing thing about Owen is that he just stays hard. He came the first time and we never, ever skipped a beat. He's like the energizer bunny of sex...a true sex god among men....really, I mean it. At the end of the hour, he finally cums again in a new position we tried today. Who knew there were any left for us to try, but he found one. I love to lay flat on my stomach and have a guy behind me (told you it was TMI Tuesday). I will literally cum repeatedly the entire time from this. He was doing that and then he moved himself sideways across my ass and started doing me like that. I'm not sure I'm accurately describing it, but it was so hot. I could turn and watch his face as he was inside me...loved it! He came a second time this way and then he still continued to tease me with his hard cock after that! I wonder if we had unlimited time just how long he would go. I know I can just keep going, something that still amazes him after all this time.
I was reflecting today that in the 20 (!) months I've been with Owen, I've probably had wayyy more sex with him than Russell and I ever did in 10 years together. That's a very telling statement, isn't it? This includes the summer months where he's MIA too. I also realized today that I've been hanging out with Gavin for 6 months now. It's insane how time flies.  I have to go rest up now because I'm seeing Clark at midnight tonight (which will technically be another day). Gavin is supposed to bring me something over today for work, so there's a possibility of seeing him. I've usually heard from him by now though, so I'm hoping he didn't flake on me with regards to the work thing.

The Anticipation is Killing Me!

FJB is still on the upswing so to speak. He’s been emailing me pretty regularily, which never happened before. He’s very anti-personal business at work – no personal emails, no answering his cell phone, etc. He’s quite the little uber-employee.
So anyways, yesterday he emailed me something about the timing of our dinner on Wednesday and suggested that we actually eat at his house. Now this feels like a big deal because before, I never got the in-home invite. So I’m not sure what caused this change but I agreed because frankly, I’m hella curious about what the inside of his place looks like. I’ve seen pictures of the outside, yes I cyber-stalked him, but I can’t quite figure out if he’s going to have standard bachelor/college decor or something a little more precise, and upscale. Should be interesting to invade his inner sanctum.

He also volunteered to cook dessert – carrot cake specifically. I’ve never had a guy bake for me and this fits his personality so well it makes me laugh. FJB is quite the unique character. Gwyn and I were saying today that if we could get him and Undercover in a room together, it would be quite hilarious to watch their brainy/weird/awkwardness spontaneously combust.

I told FJBI was quite impressed with his new joie de vive what with the spontaneous hang out sessions, personal emailing, and inviting people into his personal domain. It’s like a completely new version of FJB, think FJB 2.0. Anyways, things are proceeding in an interesting manner but I still can’t figure out what the fuck he wants. Friends? More than friends? Who the hell knows anymore?

I’m still trying to do my best to be reserved in my feelings because honestly, FJB could easily get under my skin and I’m not sure I’m ready to feel all vulnerable and put myself out there like that. I’m also trying my damndest not to analyze this situation too much but clearly, from this post you can tell I’m failing miserably at that.

I do know with the potential resurgence of FJB all the other boys have been banished to the back burner for the time being untill I figure out what exactly is going on here. That simple fact should tell you all you need to know about my frame of mind…


Honesty, Marriage, and Threeways

Clearly the men in my life think I have given up sleep just for their satisfaction.  Clark called me at 6:20am this morning because I hadn’t answered the texts he had sent me in the middle of the night. FYI, my wake up time is 7am. I can sleep through my text notification, but not the actual ringing of the phone.  We then proceeded to have a 4 ½ hour text conversation that was mostly sexual in nature, but with some discussion of where he wants this to go. He told me today that I’m marriage material. I almost wrecked my car (yes, I know I shouldn’t text and drive).  I’m actually in the process of working on my portion of a three way blog about marriage and monogamy.  Speaking of three ways, he also asked me for a three way with another girl (sometime in the future...not the gf) and told me he would have 3 ways with me with other men if I wanted in return. When I expressed my concern over having to touch her in places that I don't want to, he said I wouldn't have to do it if I didn't want to, that she would be our bitch and we would make her do what we wanted. Here's the shocking point, he is very capable of locating a pretty girl that would in fact do just that for us. The man has charm and manipulation powers that rival mine!

Oddly enough, Clark is the only one of the current three men I’m with that I’ve been totally honest with regarding my other affairs. Gavin has asked, but not pushed so I’ve avoided answering. I think that alone should be his answer. Owen hasn’t asked in a long time and last time he did, I lied. I know I shouldn’t, but I do because I know that’s what he has to hear. Now that there has been such a lapse in our time together, I think if he asked again I would cop to one of the two.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Birthday Divorce Dilemma

To take a momentary break from our dating dilemmas, I have a divorce dilemma on my hands. Friday is Duckie’s birthday and I’m trying to decide what to do about that.
My birthday was in June and Duckie did NOT have the kids buy me a present. They had cards for me but that was it and I got a Happy Birthday email from him. Now at the time, he was still really mad at me so I sort of understand his motivations but I think it was pretty shitty regardless.
There’s a part of me that for spite doesn’t want to make any effort to buy him a gift from the kids but at the same time, I want the kids to have a gift if that’s what they want to do. Plus, things have been so friendly between me and Duckie lately I’d hate to do anything that would put us back on the outs.

So the dilemma is, do I:

A. Just have the kids buy/make cards.
B. Buy a gift that the kids can give him.
C. Ask the kids what they want to do and go with whatever they say.

What do you think? And do I buy him a card from myself or just stick to the email greeting?



Undercover Lovin'

Seems like I'm not the only one who had an incredibly strange weekend thanks to Mercury and this insane POF identity-switching experiment! So I was supposed to meet Undercover for drinks on Friday night but when he texted to confirm around lunch time I decided to back out. Honestly, I was in the weirdest mood on Friday and I just didn't feel like being sociable. My astrological advisor (aka a girl I used to wait tables with) told me that due to the whole Mercury in retrograde crap I should keep my little butt at home, I followed her advice. Undercover wasn't too disappointed but he did put up a valiant effort to try and get me to change my mind. Instead of meeting him for drinks, I went home and literally sat in silence and enjoyed the peace and quiet for a couple of hours. I know that wasn't very Miranda of me to stay home on a Friday night but the thing I've learned with this whole experiment is that sometimes Gwyn just has to take over, it's beyond my control!

The Barber called me around 10:30 Friday night and we had a nice conversation that lasted almost an hour.  We actually talked about some really deep topics including me telling him that the only reason the mother of his child is acting the way she is is because she wants HIM and he isn't cooperating. It felt good to get that off my chest and he agreed with me, although he didn't want to admit it to himself. He apologized for taking so long to call me back and said he would aim to see me on Saturday night - I told him I was being patient but that I was definitely ready to see him. Then this is where it got weird - there was a moment of silence and then he said "Will you marry me?". I almost choked, managed to laugh a little bit and then said I wasn't ready. He then said "Come on. Let's just give it a shot." I don't remember what I said after that because I was in shock. The funniest thing about this is this is my second over-the-phone proposal. The first happened at 7am when I was 22 years old and my ex called me to play me a song over the phone that he had written me; he played the song (bass guitar was his instrument) and ended it with a proposal. Yes, that really happened to me. I may not find the clingers or the ones who pop the question for real, but I still manage to find my own brand of weird. After I got off the phone with the Barber I got in bed and called it a night. Incidentally, I haven't heard from the Barber at all since then. Par for the course.

I was supposed to play in a soccer game on Saturday morning but I managed to sleep until 10 minutes before the game was supposed to start - so I scratched that idea and decided to join Miranda and Josie at the pool. I headed to the pool fairly early and had been texting with Undercover briefly right as I was arriving. I was telling him how I had slept through my game and decided to make it a pool day - all of his responses were of the 'poor me I don't have a pool to go to' variety and although the Gwyn in me fought it, I decided as Miranda to extend an invitation for Undercover to join us at Miranda's. He seemed surprised that I actually invited him, just as surprised as I was that he accepted!!!!!! OMG I was so nervous. I immediately starting drinking a 32 ounce beer and decided that if this was going to happen I should at least have a buzz. The pressure of meeting Undercover for the first time with not a stitch of makeup on, my hair tied back and wet, and in a bikini started to hit me. I drank faster.

Undercover texted me when he got to the pool parking lot and I went out to meet him. I know the alcohol was sinking in by this point because I went to meet him in the parking lot in my bikini (as opposed to wearing my cover up) holding my enormous beer (as opposed to trying to make a good, sober impression). When I first saw him I was very relieved he was even hotter than his pictures. He gave me a quick hug and we headed back to the pool. Undercover fit in pretty well especially in a slightly overwhelming environment. It was me, Miranda, Ladybug and Leo, Josie and family, and even Miranda's sister! Not to mention Cabana Boy! Undercover played with the kids and mingled with everybody. I just continued to drink. I tried to do my best Miranda and be flirty and nice - whatever I did it must have worked because he wanted to keep hanging out after the pool. There was no kissing or much physical contact at the pool so I wasn't sure of his interest level, plus I was drunk so I probably wouldn't have noticed if he pulled out an engagement ring.

Undercover followed me back to my house to continue this strange first 'date'. I had him sit with my roommate while I showered and then he asked if he could shower as well (after I was finished of course), so he did. While he was showering drunken Gwyn/Miranda decided she wanted to kiss him. I remember I was in the bathroom trying to figure out how to get the kiss to happen. I decided I would just sit on my bed and wait for Undercover to come out of the shower. I assumed, correctly, that if he saw me sitting on the bed then he would come join me and know he had the go ahead for a kiss. My plan worked perfectly and we had a nice little makeout session (after talking for a good while) which concluded with him pleasuring me for almost 20 minutes - yes, I did have to tell him up front there would be no sex and he took that news well and made no objection. I could tell already at this point that if I didn't kick Undercover out that he would end up staying at my house all night. So, in my drunken glory, I told him I was going out with the girls at 11pm so  he could stay until then. We talked a lot about the rules girls have for dating (and why the rules can be important but also when they can be broken) earlier in the night and he asked me if my kicking him out early was just a test that had to do with my silly rules. I assured him it wasn't - of course it was. I was getting the clingy vibe so I wanted to see how he would react to 'rejection' - we don't need another IT on our hands. Plus, The Barber was supposed to be calling and/or coming over that night so I didn't want to have any unfortunate crossing of paths. I walked Undercover out to his car and kissed him goodnight. When I asked him what he was doing the following day he said "Not much. Why? Do you want to hang out?" What have I gotten myself into? Thanks a lot Miranda! By the way, yes, he came over yesterday again to hang out - I'll do another post on that later today I'm running short on time right now.

So, being Miranda has already paid off. If I wanted to, I'm pretty sure I could make Undercover my boyfriend within the week. It's sort of tripping me out because he's so hot and, at least on paper, he seems like quite a catch (except for the whole unemployed thing) so it's funny to me that he's the one with stronger feelings in this situation (I know I didn't go into too much detail about his level of interest but I will in the next post). He's definitely really smart and has a little of the FJB vibe going on where he's almost too smart for his own good, which makes him seem slightly strange and awkward. But damn if he isn't too damn good looking! I think Miranda and Josie can back me up on that one - did I mention his body is almost perfection? Anyways, I'm not sure yet how I feel about Undercover but I like him enough to see where things may go. I'm going to do my best to handle this just like Miranda would but I may have to throw in a little Gwyn here and there as to avoid having to turn down a proposal. The part about this that is even funnier is that as Miranda, I've attracted a man who at least has the potential to be a clinger. But since I've been Gwyn partially, the clinger I've attracted is still a Virgo with the dreaded first name that all my serious boys have. This experiment is really interesting.

I'll post the Undercover date details later this afternoon......there are a couple of gems that I can't wait to report. Until then.......


Whore Man

Gavin has decided that if ever he were to become a super hero, this would be his moniker. Ok folks, for those of you that might think I'm falling for him (especially after this post), let this be your guide as to why he and I will never have a "serious" relationship. We were hanging out today (I'll get to that part in a second) and he made mention of how he thought if he lived here with me that his "services" should suffice as rent. I told him while that was well and good for me, Russell would probably have a much different opinion. Then he starts in on this super hero thing and how I could just beckon this moniker and he would appear to render his services. His dog likes to lick me (no, not there!)and he went on a tangent about how he and his sidekick would have special licking powers. Now for the funny part (though the whole conversation was pretty hilarious), he said his costume would have a HM on it for Whore Man...I actually started to tell him that whore starts with a "w", but decided really...why? The man is 41 years old...if he doesn't have it by now, who I am to teach it?

So here's the back story on my weekend with Whore Man...you guys know about Friday. Incidentally, he has called me every single day of the past week. I'm really not sure what's up, but as is my nature I'm just going with it for the moment to see where he takes it. Saturday morning he calls me to see what I'm doing that day. (I had told him I was kid free all weekend.) I told him I didn't really have any big plans and he suggested we get a hotel room for the night and party. He's suggested this several times before, but we've never been able to arrange it between our lives. Now you may find yourself a little shocked that I was slightly conflicted on this issue...not the hotel and hot sex part, but the party part. We had just "partied" some the day before and I wasn't sure I wanted to do it again all night the very next day. Well we all know how it went, I caved and agreed. Our arrangement was that I would pay the hotel bill and he would supply all the recreational and alcohol fun. It ended up being a fairly even split, especially since he always foots all of my recreational fun expenses. I haven't paid for drugs since I bought shrooms in Amsterdam and LSD in college...literally the only times I've ever paid for drugs. (Russell bought my hash in Amsterdam if you're wondering. His best friend bought my weed.)

After much deliberation and apparently me swinging by to pick his dealer up from a bar, we were set to meet up at the only hotel up here. I had called earlier in the day to confirm room availability, but had not made a reservation. When I got to the hotel, the front desk told me all the rooms were sold out, but somehow she miraculously managed to find me one and provided the local rate on top of it. I called him with the room number and his hot self appeared. We immediately started using the recreational substances and watching porn. It was a night of total debauchery. We drank, snorted, smoked, laughed, and fucked for hours. We had some of the best sex we've had in months (like since March when he was working hard to impress me). I didn't sleep worth a damn, but it was a super fun night.

This morning we woke up and played a little more. Then he asked me if I wanted to come with him and his kid to the dirt bike track to watch his kid practice riding. His kid is super awesome in this sport by the way, like national championship rating kind of awesome. I hemmed and hawed and he pushed knowing that I was kid free and she's usually the reason I say no when previous invites have been issued. He finally offered to bring lunch and beer and we all know that's the magic combo...food and booze...right on, so I agreed. He hadn't shut the door of the hotel room good and I was panicked about my decision. I've met his kid (who is 12 years old) before (see earlier posts), but I'm not really cool with it. He told me that he had to go pick his kid up a few miles away, stop for food and beer, and that he would be at the track in about an hour. During this time, I totally anxiety texted Miranda about what to do. I went and I'm so glad I did...we had a fantastic day.

I got there and he kissed me hello (not in a I just fucked and partied with you for hours kind of way, but in a friendly my kid is around kind of way...totally appropriate) and he finished tuning up the bike for the kid to ride. He introduced me to all his friends that were hanging out and when his kid hit the track, he asked if I wanted to take a walk around. I agreed (though I had on the most inappropriate footwear ever for a dirt bike part) and he walked me around the track showing me all the jumps and stuff they ride on. It is beautiful up there and we ended up sitting under a gorgeous old pine tree watching his kid race around for a while and just shooting the shit. After lunch, he told the kids he was taking me for a ride and he took me to the "top of the world". We started driving up there in his big ass 4 wheel drive truck, but stopped first at a campsite to take a few hits and hike around there a little. He was pretty happy showing me around all the trails they ride on and that he's help build.

Finally we reached the "top of the world" and we get out of the truck to look around. We were on top of one of the highest mountains in our area and you could see into the valley and out over the ocean. It was literally breathtaking. Again I will mention I had on horrible footwear for this, but he hiked me all around this point showing me amazing views. It was a completely nonsexual, just us hanging out kind of hike. We talked and played and he shared a lot of his past and history with me. As we were driving down, his kid met us and told us he was ready to head out. We got back to the track and the kid wasn't there so we sat and had a beer and talked some more. This is when "Whore Man" was born, by the way. His kid ended up leaving with a friend and we packed things up and left with another totally appropriate in public kind of kiss. All day he kept telling me that this is their life...this is what they do...like he was feeling me out if I'm ok with it. (And yes, he does know I'm a total priss pot.)

I left the park today dirtier than I think I've ever been in a my life, but also happy to have spent the day with them. His kid is really sweet and seems to like me well enough for a 12 year old kid. He speaks and makes eye contact. I'd asked Gavin to make sure it was cool with his kid before I came today as to not interfere with any father-son time and the kid was totally down with it. Gavin is a little too honest and open with this kid for my tastes and since I've slept in the same room with his kid before, I was afraid that my resurfacing today would be awkward in light of the gf still being in the picture, but it wasn't. Again as I stated in the beginning of the post, we have no future together, but he's a lot of fun to hang out with. He is still technically with his gf and I'm a little nervous about all the of introductions he provided this weekend and his total lack of discretion about hanging at my house last week. It feels a little like I'm playing with fire, though I am known to like the danger.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Proceeding with Caution

So crazy Mercury has continued to fuck with me this week. First off, Friday night I’m sitting on my bed having a lovely IM conversation with FJB when I get a voicemail notification. Weird that my phone went straight to voicemail without even ringing. As I listen to the message, it’s from freaking IT! WTF? And the kicker is, the message is not for me. He left the message like he thought he had dialed someone else and had to tell them all about the amazing vacation he just got back from. The 5 minute message goes something like, “Hey Frank and Beverly. Just wanted to let you know I’m home from Italy. Amazing vacation, amazing. Best of my life. I got your message but I just didn’t have any service in Italy. Wow, the time difference in Italy, I’m so jet lagged. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Thanks for offering to pick me up from the airport, I’m home now, I got home a few hours ago. Maybe we can hang out this weekend. I know you already have my number but here it is again ###-####.”

WTF? I literally almost fell off my bed when I listened to that. How freaking crazy to call and leave a voicemail for someone else. I mean not for a second do I think that was a legit mistake. And the number of times he says Italy in there is quite hilarious. I saved the message and if there’s some way I can figure out how to get it from my phone to an audio file I’m so linking it on the blog for your listening enjoyment.

So then Saturday day it was another pool party at my apartments with Josie and her family and Gwyn. We chilled and had a great day. I’ll leave the details to Gwyn but she gave and acted very Miranda-ish and had Undercover come hang out. He’s super cute and walked into a tough situation with all her friends around and he fit right in. Apparently being me is paying off for her.

After the long day at the pool (btw I’m like an inch away from my goal of being obnoxiously tan after yesterday), I was upstairs with the kids getting them ready for bed when FJB sent a message via IM to my phone. We were chatting for a minute and the topic of what we were both doing last night came up. In jest I said I’d invite him over to hang out but he’s so antisocial he’d say no. He asked what about the kids and said he thought I didn’t want them to meet anyone yet. I told him the kids were about to crash after eight hours of swimming. Then he said, “If you’re serious, I can be there in about an hour or so.” At this point I just about stroked out because this is so not the way FJB normally acts and I couldn’t believe he actually was going to come over.

So I had to hustle the kids off to bed, do the quick gloss over on the house, and throw some make up on and a suitable casual outfit that said, “We’re not going out but I’m still super cute.” Thanks Jules for the suggestion of the tank top and shorts! LOL!

He showed up promptly a little over an hour later and swoon, he’s still just as attractive as I remember – damn it! He made himself right at home and stretched out on one couch and I sat on the other. Then we just hung out, drank some beers, and watched totally random crazy TV shows until like 3 in the morning. We just talked about all kinds of crazy stuff and after I complained that my HD channels on my TV were messing up, the nerdy engineer that he is, FJB fixed my cable for me LOL.

We had an interesting conversation too about people we've been dating. For a while I've been trying to get him to show me girls on PoF that he's gone out with and he'd never do it. Well Friday night when we were IMing he finally did and I showed him several of mine. Incidentally he said the only one he'd have pegged me to go out with was Lawyer Boy, that he was reasonable attractive and I was way too attractive for all the others I showed him. Haha! So last night we were talking about some of our experiences and he fessed up that he continued to date a couple of them because he was bored and didn't have anything else to do. I think, hell I know, I've done the same thing. Many of the guys I've hung out with were merely time passers. We both agreed that wasn't the nicest thing to do and that we needed to stop seeing people just because we were bored.

Off the wall things were “planned” like him saying he was going to have to cook dinner for me sometime, him trying to convince me to come help him work in his yard, and him telling me he’d help me get the right router I need to make my internet signal stronger. We laughed a ton and the conversation was never awkward or uncomfortable or anything.

Nothing much happened other than that. There were a few casual touches but that was about it. When he left I walked him to the door and he hugged me. Then he left. Nothing more, nothing less.

I am feeling more confident that he’s not just approaching this as just friendship but we’ll see. I’m trying to be cautious because I do still like him, a lot. I can’t help it. Gwyn said I like him because he’s one of the only ones I’ve dated that I have intelligence in comment with and that I’m way smarter than all the other guys I’ve been dated. LOL but true. His intelligence makes him very attractive to me (Flyboy is the other intelligent guy I’ve dated), when we went out before – I loved the way he treated me, and there’s the whole general hotness and of course the fact that he’s 6’3. But there’s something more too it too. Something I’m not wiling to analyze too much right now because I feel like I need to proceed with caution in order to protect myself. Guess we will just have to wait and see what Wednesday holds for FJB and me.


Saturday, August 21, 2010

WTF Friday

It's just been a wtf kind of week...I'm glad I know Mercury is to blame now. I have a kid free weekend with no plans and I'm thinking it's a good thing. I may just lay low and chill. Gavin came over earlier, but not for sex. We just did a line and hung out talking for a while. He told me he'd call me later, but I doubt it. Once he starts, he usually keeps going until he gets paranoid and then isn't that into sex and he knows I'm not a heavy user so I won't keep doing it with him all night. It's funny though because we were literally just talking about our lack of use the other day and how it's really so much better for us and then here he is with lines for us this afternoon...obviously Mercury. I did surmise today that he's still with the gf, but he sounds miserable. I just don't get that...really. If after 5 years you can't even consider living with the person that you're with when you're in a housing bind, why would you still be with them? It's not my deal...I'm just saying.

Clark and I had a weird text exchange last night where he told me that he wants me to want him completely and to feel what I feel and to tell him when I feel it. Um, yeah...that's not likely to happen. I don't tell guys how I feel about them, mostly because I don't often have feelings for them. I basically told him that this is something that's really hard for me to do, plus what difference would it make anyway because he's in a situation that he currently feels he can't get out of. Miranda says that men just want to know that they are the center of our universes. I think she's right on.

On another note, I did the right thing yesterday (for once!). I'd been drunk texting Texas earlier this week about hooking up now that's he back on the island and we had agreed to meet yesterday. Then I started thinking about it and unlike the guys I'm currently seeing that are attached, Texas' situation is different. He actually likes the girl he's with and their relationship is very new. I FB emailed him and told him that I didn't want to interfere in his current relationship and that if they break up, he should totally call me...but otherwise, I didn't want to see him. He agreed and said he appreciated my perspective on things. Honestly, I don't feel guilty about seeing the current 3 (Gavin, Clark, and Owen...well, randomly seeing Owen) because I feel like they've been in their relationships for a long time and they are clearly unhappy...but to interfere with something new that could bring happiness just seems like a really shitty thing to do.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Mercury's In Retrograde

So the last couple of days have been ridiculous.  If we’ve said it before, we’ve said it a thousand times when it rains, it pours boy wise.  After all my recent “laying low” I’ve jumped right back into the frying pan.  Yesterday things really broke off and went all crazy yet again. 

Bubba’s been up my ass trying to keep me interested but he so knows I’ve cooled way down.  Honestly, he’s a nice guy but the little extra oomph you need to connect with someone just isn’t there despite my best attempts to talk myself into liking him.  Plus he keeps referencing his freaking accident like he’s trying to subtly make me feel guilty that he wrecked his car (in hopes of me continuing to see him I suppose) and mentioning that I could come see him at his house and that his kids wouldn’t mind meeting me.

Twin was texting me like crazy yesterday and I’ve been becoming more and more Gwyn lately thanks to our little PoF experiment so eventually I stopped responding to his texts.  Especially after he texted me saying “I’d love to see you being momma with your kids” and then, “I really like you.”  It’s just too much too soon bless his earnest little southern broken and battered heart.  After I essentially cut off communication via text yesterday, he has been pretty distant.  I think he realizes he pushed it too far, least I hope he realizes it.  There have only been a couple random texts from him today and I know he gets his kids this afternoon so maybe he’ll be preoccupied this weekend.  Why do all the guys I end up with that have kids want us to be the freaking Brady Bunch right away?

I also got a total crazy and random message via PoF from of all people Lawyer Boy yesterday.  It said something to the effect of, “Hey Miranda.  I’m just hanging out and waiting on my bar exam results.  I’ve been out of town but will be back home next week.  Talk to you soon.”  WTF?  Were he and I having a conversation I didn’t realize?  I haven’t talked to him since the day after the bar, almost a month ago!  I sent him a text a couple of days after that wishing him a happy birthday but I haven’t heard jack from him since then.  What a weirdo!

On top of all that, Sawyer wants to have these serious conversations about how hard it is to make the decision to leave his wife.  Whatever dude, it’s time to get off the pot or piss.  And I made some comment to him about how if only he wanted to actually sleep with his wife instead of EVERYONE else he might be happy at home.  Sawyer said I don’t want to sleep with everyone.  I laughed and said ok then, just some of them.  Of course he countered with, “I just really want to be with you.”  When I read that, I promptly threw up in my mouth a little and changed the subject.  So not going back there with him.

Then Flyboy is back hot and heavy which is awesome and at the same time ridiculous.  He gets me to misbehave in such crazy ways.  Last night he and I skyped for the very first time and yes it got dirty.  Skype is clearly both a blessing because you get to see the person but it’s also torture because you get to see them but you can’t touch!  At any rate, even with my crappy internet connection it was pretty awesome to see his face (along with other well-remembered parts of him) while we talked.  I think he might legitimately be getting to the point where he feels like he needs to calm the fuck down with his running around, much like I felt after my last bad hook up with Cabana Boy.  I really knew I had hit the peak of my wildness and need to straighten up at least a little bit.  If Flyboy’s not there already, he’s mighty damn close.  Tonight will probably be par for the course with he and I talking late into the night.  I don’t think I’ve been to bed once before 1 am this week.

The PoF experiment has created a flurry of new guys too.  Some good, some not so good.  Being “Gwyn” on my profile and in my reactions is producing some interesting results though.  The majority of guys responding are definitely manlier than my normal type with quite a few meatheads thrown into the mix.  A few broken battered boys have slipped in but just a few.  No one in line for a date yet though there are some prospects if I can keep up my energy level.  One is even a DJ on a fairly popular radio station here.  That could definitely be an interesting experience.

Last up on the crazy train is my weird rekindling of some sort of thing (albeit friendship or more I’m not sure) with FJB.  We are still talking pretty much every day via email or Facebook or IM.  He had noticed I’d redone my profile on PoF and I told him about our little experiment and offered to let him join in.  He readily agreed so today Gwyn and I rewrote his profile and I think it turned out pretty damn good.  Gwyn landed on a couple gold mines by crafting these two sentences in there, “I am tolerant of many things but a big deal deal-breaker for me is a girl with more issues than a subscription to Newsweek,” and “She is interested in and knowledgeable of current events but she most likely gained her knowledge from The Wall Street Journal as opposed to tmz.com.”  She’s a comedic genius folks!  He seemed quite impressed with our profile writing abilities and in the spirit of the experiment said he’d post it verbatim and update his profile pic per our request too. 

Later in email he used a great analogy that I think fits my frame of mind lately.  He said, “I feel like I’ve done the catch and release thing long enough, I’m ready for a keeper.”  I may not be ready for a lifelong keeper, but I’m damn sure ready to have one that lasts more than a couple of dates or who I see more regularly than once a month. 

I’ve been in such a funky frame of mind lately but finding out today that Mercury is in retrograde explains it all pretty well.  Even my horoscope is recognizing my frame of mind.  Today’s love horoscope…the planetary configuration indicates that you have every opportunity to take a cool look at a romantic situation that may have been leading you in circles lately.  You need the time today to think deeply about your values and what you really want out of a relationship.  Don't be forced or hurried into any decisions - take your time this time.  It will be worth it