Leave My Comfort Zone Alone!!!!!!!

I've really gone and done it this time.

Tuesday was my third date with Undercover, although I'm not counting Saturday's pool party and subsequent hang out or Sunday's hang out time as real dates since we didn't leave my house. Last night counts though because we went out for drinks and he bought me dinner (well, technically the dinner part was chinese delivery after we got home from the drinking but he still paid). I was nervous to see him but excited at the same time.

The evening was going well in my opinion. We talked about lots of interesting things. For instance, I learned that Undercover not only has an Accounting degree and an MBA but he also finished law school and passed the bar! MBA from London Business School and Law School at Penn State. Not too shabby. He is the middle child of three boys - older brother is married with kids and younger brother is single and took over the family business after their dad died. He likes really spicy food and loves to work out and stay active. He has had a lot of girlfriends (I pressed for more info on this but he wouldn't share). He wants to get married and have kids, hopefully a girl first. No red flags, all well and good.

Then I learned a little more and I think this is where my problem begins. Undercover likes to give and get lots of attention. He likes physical affection. He is open and honest and expects the same from the girl he's interested in. He approaches relationships with a positive attitude and feels you learn something from all of them even if they're short. It makes him angry that girls that have had bad experiences (aka ME) take that out on future suitors who would never treat them the way guys have in the past. Did I mention he's a Virgo? Read about these Virgo men and their dating styles online and you'll see why I feel doomed.

So here is where things get tricky for me. I am none of those things. Physical affection makes me uncomfortable, I have to make a conscious effort to show my boyfriends affection outside of during sex. I don't want to be this way but I am - my mom says she made me that way and is constantly apologizing for it. I am not open going in to new relationships. I actually go into them thinking 'I wonder when this one's gonna change it up and start acting like a dick.' The honesty part I'm good at, maybe not in the dating stages but definitely in the boyfriend-girlfriend situation. I wish I could stop punishing potentially great guys for the sins of my exes but it's just not that easy. Especially when those situations in the past were so traumatic for me - it's like the risk of opening up outweighs the benefits in my head because I've seen how bad it can get when you open up to the wrong person. I did explain all of this quite openly to Undercover and he seemed to appreciate learning more about why I am, in his words, weird.

So there we were, just lying on the couch watching a show about Thomas Jefferson and literally out of nowhere Undercover says "Well, I guess I'm gonna go." It was about 10 minutes before the show was going to end and we'd been watching it for almost an hour. I thought it was very weird that he didn't even wait for the show to end before announcing his intent to leave. It literally seemed like he was having a conversation with himself in his head and at that very moment he made up his mind to leave. He put his shoes on, grabbed his stuff and headed for the door. I followed beside him, totally confused, and walked him to his car. I tried to make small talk but he didn't seem the least bit interested. He did kiss me goodbye twice at the car (no tongue but on the lips) but he didn't say a word. Nothing.

I walked back inside completely baffled by his behavior. Now I didn't make out with him or anything but I did lay on him, touch his leg, rub on his chest, etc. All the basic flirty indicators. It's not like he made a move and I rejected him. From the vibe I got I figured either he was fed up with my prude-ish behavior and decided it wasn't worth the trouble or he had looked through my phone and seen something he didn't like. I texted him a quick thank you for dinner....you seemed irritated when you left hope everything is ok...and he didn't respond. About 15 minutes later I tried to call, he didn't pick up. Finally I sent another text saying that I wanted to understand what happened and I had hoped he would stay longer but he didn't give me a chance to ask. He responded to that text, finally, by saying "I probably would have stayed but I needed to know that sooner." I apologized and told him I hadn't planned it out and that maybe the problem was I needed to show him more indicators that I enjoy his company - his response to that was "Yeah." He also told me that he tried to tell me what he likes in terms of relationships/dating (which he did) and that didn't seem to make me adjust the way I was acting. He told me I didn't seem interested in him, especially compared to Saturday (what do you expect you weirdo, I was wasted on Saturday!). Basically, from what I gleaned from his responses he doesn't think I like him. I told him I needed a little time to try and adjust my thinking and he was fine with that.

So here I have a guy in front of me who is clearly interested in me, is very attractive, has a brain and is totally employable, comes from a seemingly normal family, etc. and I'm acting like he's a leper. It's not that I'm not interested it's that I'm not comfortable showing it, for so many unhealthy reasons. And it's not just Undercover who has pointed this out to me, other guys have told me the same thing. It's why I don't pick clingers - I like the busy guys who don't need lots of attention and basically run things on their terms. That way I'm safe, I can't get rejected, my lack of physical affection isn't noticeable and I don't normally have to drive the relationship. I also tend to end up with guys who are similiar to me in the lack-of-affection department. For instance, with The Barber since I see him so rarely the physical build up is so intense that I am able to be affectionate with him (but even with him it's an effort) when we see each other. And, in public, he's not much of a PDA person either, not just with me but with anyone. It's easier for me to be with a guy like him because I stay in my comfort zone. Undercover is making me come out of my comfort zone and it's making me crazy.

I have no idea what to do. Should I throw caution to the wind and give Undercover a real shot? Should I cut him loose and focus on The Barber (who incidentally I just returned to work from seeing for a little lunchtime quickie before he leaves for NYC)? Should I enroll in touch therapy to overcome my aversion to physical affection? Maybe I'll just light a fatty and forget about all my troubles.................

-Gwyn

*BTW Miranda has been walking around this place floating on clouds all day with a smile that looks very mischevious. We got a good laugh after my lunchtime escapade because now both of us are grinning ear to ear.........if our boss only knew what little whores we've become.