Haters

I went to visit my guy bff yesterday after work and we had a really interesting conversation that got me thinking.

My friend, I'll call him Papi, is 30 years old and as single as it gets. He's been engaged twice to the same girl but finally left her crazy 80 pound ass when she got hooked on Adderall, among other things. Side Note: His ex-fiance is a Hooter's girl who recently got Top 10 in that crazy Hooters pageant that was on Spike TV a few weeks back - the amount of drugs those girls are on when they are out there strutting in their bikinis is almost unfathomable! Papi is a party guy. He goes out to the bars/clubs about 5 nights a week and works in promotions so he also gets to travel all over the place hosting parties, etc. His level of promiscuity beats mine, Miranda and Jules' hands down. There's a new girl pretty much every week - not a new girlfriend, just a new girl. And although he is definitely a ladies man he treats each girl with respect and isn't one of those macho 'i've slept with everyone look how cool I am' kind of guys. He just loves women a little too much for his own good. To give you more insight into a day in the life of Papi, here's what happened to him on Monday night - two bi-sexual girls who he has hooked up with separately in the past called him to say they were coming over at about 4am; they get there and all three are in the bed, Papi in the middle; he knew Girl A was down for some freaky fun but wasn't sure about Girl B and her comfort level; he decided the best strategy was to ignore Girl A initially and start messing around with Girl B hoping that Girl A would take the hint and join in on the fun; instead, Girl A got really mad and jealous and put her clothes on and left; Girl B was quick to follow because they rode together and she didn't want to get left; so his night went from best ever to shit hole in a matter of five minutes. This is a regular Monday night for Papi.


Yesterday, we were outside smoking a cigarette and I was asking him about his latest conquests and he asked me for updates on some of our mutual friends (my close girlfriends). As we got to talking about what everyone was doing we kind of had a moment of clarity. Papi turned to me and said, "Do you think they talk about us and say we're losers since we're not married with kids?" Just for some background, my particular clique from high school was very gossipy and catty and talking about each other is a daily occurence, I'm not proud of it just honest. I told Papi I was 100% sure they talked about us (and our other single friend out of the clique) and that it actually irritated me because in my opinion, they are the unhappy/crazy ones. Then we started listing some of their current situations compared to ours and we decided, hands down, that we are the normal ones and our married/divorced/impregnated/baby mama friends are the ones who are miserable.


Here's an overview, all of the people are within a year or two of my age:

• Girlfriend A - got pregnant by ex boyfriend during brief reconciliation; tried to reconnect with him but it didn't work out; now raising her son by herself and has become an EXTREMELY devout Christian who none of us can stand to be around for more than 5 minutes; she also disowned her family because, you know, that's what Christians do to show their loving and caring nature (yes, I'm Christian just not one of the ones who walks around making everyone feel guilty for everything they do); she is currently on a fast because another one of our girlfriends has a very sick baby who had to have open heart surgery and Girlfriend A is convinced that at the end of the fast the baby will be sent home (I'm not saying this isn't a nice gesture but I'd also say it's a little crazy seeing that these two girls barely talk at all anymore)
• Girlfriend B - married for 3 years and pregnant with her first child; her and her husband rarely have sex and most nights he sleeps on the couch; he cheated on her while they were engaged; all she talks about is projects at the house, the baby and accounting - it's enthralling let me tell you; spends weekends at Home Depot and Babies R Us; pressures all of us to get pregnant so her baby can have a playmate and likes to tell us that our 'clocks are ticking'
• Girlfriend C - this is the crazy friend; she has been married once to an abusive husband and they are currently separated after less than a year of marriage; has experimented with being a lesbian; lives in an apartment and is about to lose her job; does hard drugs fairly regularly and was in court two weeks ago for simple assault charges filed by her ex husband
• Girlfriend D - now this one isn't married but always always always has a boyfriend; she is a physical therapist and travels around the country for her job; although she does seem to have a fairly nice life right now she is always very judgemental about those of us who are single (even though she is too) and will say things like "So, you're not engaged yet?" "No boyfriend?" implying that I or whoever she is talking to must be a freak of nature

Now, I realize that not all married/coupled/single parents are miserable I'm just saying that A LOT of the ones I know are totally unhappy but instead of admitting it to themselves and/or changing their situation, they talk down about people who aren't living the 'American Dream' to make themselves feel better. I sincerely doubt I'm the only single 29 year old who feels this way. Whenever people find out I'm single and have never been married or had kids they literally look shocked, and living in the South doesn't help one bit. Then comes the guilt trip, "Oh well I'm sure you'll find someone" "It happens when you least expect it" - it's like they assume I'm living every day trying to find a husband but I'm just so sad and pathetic I can't find one!

Can't we all just get along here people? I'm not coming up to my married friends saying things like "Hey must suck that you haven't had a night to yourself in 18 months and it takes you 3 hours to leave the house because you have to pack snacks and hand sanitizer and your husband works 75 hours a week to support your Target shopping sprees so you two never see each other anymore." Or maybe, "Listen I'm sure you enjoy waking up far too early every morning to pack lunches, change diapers and sign homework sheets and spend your entire day driving a mini van around town doing important things like grocery shopping and scrapbooking, but I'm perfectly happy to come home to a quiet house after work, light up a joint and watch television that is inappropriate for anyone under the age of 18!"



All I'm asking is for the same in return. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones after all.


Man Team Updates:
The Barber has his oldest daughter right now so I haven't been able to see him as much as I'd like. He has been calling/texting a lot more than he was so that has been nice. He came over Friday night for a little while and then I met him yesterday for a little lunch time quickie - it was amazing! Also ended up with another free bag of herbal remedy. He has his daughter for another whole week and leaves to go to NYC for a few days next weekend - so until all that is over I probably won't have much to report. I will say that things with him have been going really well but we sort of stall out whenever his daughter comes to stay with him full time. I'm not mad about it at all, he even talked to me one night this week for over an hour while he bathed her and had her sing songs to me over the phone. It's just that I can tell she is his number one priority, which I actually find very sexy, and that it stresses him out when she is here. Not stress in a bad way, just that it reminds him of how much is on his shoulders and how hard he needs to work to make sure she has everything she wants. He told me his new motto yesterday, "Everything's for sale." I just asked him to limit that to only his things and I hoped not to wake up one day and my car is gone because he sold it on Ebay.

-Gwyn