Sunday, August 29, 2010

Feelings and Mind Fucks

Yesterday was a really, really weird day with the boy toys. It started with Clark just randomly texting me first thing in the morning. He really didn't seem to want to chat, but was seemingly just checking to see what I was doing. He had base duty, so he was at work all day. Around lunchtime, Gavin called me to see what I was doing and to feel out if he could hang out with me. His intention was to take me to a Greek festival in town, which I would have loved to do. I couldn't though  because I had Chloe with me. Then he starts going on about how he thinks he may actually move in with the gf, but has a lot of hesitations with this you know because she still has a restraining order against him and because he thinks she treats him like shit. I finally told him that it's just too hard for me to listen to this stuff and NOT comment. I'm one of the MOST opinionated people in the world and I told him I almost have to bite my tongue in half when he starts in on this shit. He asked me my opinion and I told him. I laid it out and told him that I was telling him this as his friend and not for any ulterior motives on my part (which was totally true).  He listened and said that some other people have pretty much told him the same things.

I hadn't hung up the telephone good when Clark starts texting me again and this time is being really chatty. We ended up texting for like 4 1/2 hours. During the course of this we talked a lot about us and where he sees this going. I expressed a lot of my concerns and we addressed them. It was a crazy conversation. At one point in there, he asked if I would have another baby for him. After I picked my jaw up off the beach,  I reminded him that I already have a child and I wasn't really planning on having more, but it was something that we could talk about if he really wanted to be a Dad at some point down the road. I was totally freaking out by this point. For starters, I haven't had a conversation about the future with anyone since I got married 10 years ago. Actually come to think of it, my husband is the ONLY person I've ever had a future conversation with...ever.

I really like Clark and I liked a lot of what he said to me yesterday (outside of the baby thing). Secondly, by the time I would be ready to have another kid (and I can't believe I just type that sentence!), I would be about 37 or 38 and the risks are so much higher than they were when I was 27 and had Chloe.  I did find out that he really doesn't have a good relationship with his parents at all. He said they all fight too much and he hates spending time with them. This was a huge relief because I'm pretty sure they are not my kind of people. We share a lot of the same beliefs, except he's not a big ole liberal like I am. We then talked about the guys I'm currently seeing. It's funny how hypocritical he is with this, but won't admit it openly. It bothers the crap out of him that I'm seeing Gavin and Owen too, but we have agreed that monogamy isn't something that would ever work for us. We discussed that if we're going to see other people that it would just be for sex only (no feelings, no dating) and that we would always tell the other one.

 Basically he's told me that when we get to  the point where we can really be together (as in when his gf is gone) he really wants me to just see Owen and drop this thing with Gavin. I told him about the recreational drug use with Gavin and he kind of flipped out on that. He pretty much told me that if I'm with him, I can't be using drugs...ever. I told him that I would agree to that because honestly it's not something I should be doing anyway. He had a really strong reaction to this part of me and I questioned why. It seems his Dad also struggles with some substance abuse issues (though by his size I'm betting it's NOT cocaine...lol). I didn't press for more information because it was fairly clear he didn't want to discuss it. We ended the conversation with him telling me he wants to know before I see them and then he tried to tell me that my body is his now and he only wants me to have oral sex with them. Gavin would totally be fine with that restriction because his favorite thing is the way I blow him, but Owen would not be down with that. I told him as much and he said he wants me to take pics with Owen next time I'm with him for him to see. I told him that was plausible because Owen and I have actually discussed taking pics before.

Anyway, I reminded him that he wasn't really upholding his end of the we're not going to be monogamous bargain by laying down these restrictions and that I can't always tell him because I can't call and text him freely! It was a totally strange conversation, but one that was definitely geared toward us moving forward together at some point. Oh, I also told him that I won't be re-introducing him to Chloe for a long time until I know that this is all for real and that this will of course really restrict some of my availability. To my pleasant surprise, he was totally awesome about that and understanding. I think that he can be right now though because he still has a gf in place too...regardless of his utter dislike for her at the moment, it's still someone to pay attention to him.

On the way home from a shopping trip and dinner with Chloe, Gavin calls me to see if we can hang out tonight. I told him if he wanted to that we could and I'd be available after 9pm when Chloe was asleep. I'm working under the assumption that this thing with Clark isn't really official until the gf is gone by the way, so I'm still a pretty free agent. He came over and we had the same amazingly hot sex that we had last weekend in the hotel. When he's on, he's really on! He was in a great mood last night and was being very funny and charming. I really do like him, but again I don't really see us ever going anywhere more than where we are...which is fine with me. I do think that if Clark and I were to become more that I would eventually stop seeing Gavin because it could get sticky and I think if Gavin and his gf did break up at some point, he would really expect me to step things up with him too. After the amazing sex, we went out and hung on my porch drinking and talking for hours. He told me that he wished he wasn't with the gf and that he and I are better friends than they are (and have been in years) and he wishes that he could fully explore this with me but doesn't think it's fair to me right now because he does still have feelings for the gf. I told him that I'm totally find being FWB and he said he loves being with his porn star lover and how open I am with him sexually and how cool I am to hang out with as well. We talked some more about how toxic his relationship is with the gf and I think he's leaning away from moving in with her, but I don't know...time will tell this week I suppose because he needs a place by Wednesday I think. I also called him out on using me as a pawn last weekend and he was shocked enough in earnest that I honestly no longer think that was in intention.

He (Gavin) called me again this morning to see if I could spend the day with him going to another part of the island to pick up something for his kid's race next weekend and to have lunch. I again explained that I have Chloe and I can't. I don't think he's ever been with anyone that was so reluctant to have him meet their kid. I'm just uber protective of her and I'm not  introducing her to everyone I see....period. He's great with kids and I think she would adore him, but it's still just not cool. If he wasn't with the gf and I thought we were going to actually be together (which clearly I don't), I would. At some point they will definitely meet though because I want him to teach her to surf when she gets more comfortable in the water. Anyway, he asked me again to go to Kauai next weekend but  I can't for many reasons. Then he says, maybe next year I can or maybe I can go with them to Maui next time they go for that race too.

I'm feeling a little torn and mind fucked at the moment. I honestly don't have feelings for Owen, but I definitely have some for Clark and if I'm honest I have some for Gavin as well...but Clark is clearly the more appropriate relationship choice if I were to ever take it to the next level with either of them. I'm very curious to see how everything plays out in the end. I think if Gavin moves in with his gf, things will cool down with us considerably because he won't have very much free time...so that could be a big factor. I'm seeing Clark tonight, so this should be interesting in light of our conversation yesterday too.


  1. How in the hell did all three of us end up with "feelings" at the same time? LOL! Where are the heartless, boy tossing, sex fiends Gwyn, Jules, and Miranda? Clearly we've been abducted by aliens. Hell for all intents and purposes I'm practicing monogamy right now!


  2. I don't know, but it's weird for me! I like the just fucking and going thing better I think, now I'm in this sort of sticky web thing that requires a lot more emotionally than I feel capable of putting out right now. We'll see if I freak out soon and cut the emotionally needy ones out or not.