Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I Just Can't Quit You

I think I’m dealing with a situation that almost everyone can relate to – no matter what I do I can’t seem to let my first love go.

My first love is The Ex. We went to school together growing up but weren’t really in the same circle of friends. One night while I was out at a local bar drinking underage I ran into him. We started talking, hit it off and became pretty much inseparable from that night on. Drunk me can be pretty irresistible lol. Now there were certainly some rough patches in our 6-7 year relationship but that doesn’t change the fact that this guy is my real first love. The person I thought I would marry. The person who I shared so many ‘firsts’ with. The person I talked to about anything and everything. The person that really got me. The person that called me out on my bullshit but loved me regardless.

We broke up on Mother’s Day 2007 and I remember it like it was yesterday. We had both broken it off before this final showdown but we always ended up back together. This time was different because I had been mentally preparing myself to leave him for basically an entire year. I knew I wasn’t happy anymore and I had given him an ultimatum (about getting a better job and/or going to school) that he didn’t seem to care about. So by the time that fateful morning came around I was so ready for it that after it happened I felt relief – not sadness. I started dating another guy almost right away while The Ex continued to beg for me to come back to him. His ploys had always worked in the past but this time was different. My wall was up and it wasn’t coming down. I was so determined to stay broken up with him that I literally talked to myself in the mirror every day pumping myself up and repeating to myself that this was the right decision. Some real lifecoach Jack Handy type crap. But it worked for the most part and I never caved.

That leads me to today. We basically have this whole back and forth thing going on where one of us wants to get back together but the other doesn’t. The roles switch and we are never in sync. He chased me for quite awhile after we broke up, almost an entire year. I never gave in even once. Never let him take me out. Never slept with him. Nothing. I guess you could say I’m a tough nut to crack! Since then, I’ve had my moments of weakness and considered trying to make things work again but each time he has rejected me. He always has some poor excuse like he’s seeing someone or whatever but I know him too well – he’s a control freak and if it’s not on his terms it’s not happening. He won’t give me the satisfaction of ‘winning him back.’ If we’re going to get back together it’s going to be on his terms. Well I think the one thing he has forgotten is that I am a control freak too, or maybe just more of an only child who is used to getting her way.

The last time I actually saw him was when he came to get the herbal remedy from my guy a couple of weeks ago. We have talked on and off since then with the last time being two days ago. The conversation turned into a screaming argument mostly initiated by me after he gave me a hard time for seeing The Barber while he has been seriously dating the same girl for over a year!!!!! It just set me off, among other things he had said during the conversation. I ended up in a sobbing crying fit and hung up on him. I texted to say I was sorry and that it makes me sad that we can’t have a simple conversation without arguing. He told me to lose his number and have a nice life. He says this all the time so I’m sure I’ll hear from him again in a week or so. And, if not, I’m sure I’ll text him in a moment of weakness and that will set the ball in motion again.

Why am I trapped in this cycle? Why do I care? Why do I entertain the idea of getting back together with him after this long? Am I using The Ex to fill an emotional void? Am I stringing him along just in case I don’t find something better? Is he doing the same thing to me? Or, is it that I’m still in love with him?

I can’t figure it out but for whatever reason I’m just not ready to completely let him go.

Food for Thought:The Ex is a Virgo, born on 9/15/80. The Barber’s cousin was the first guy I dated after The Ex and I broke up the first time, back in 2002. He is also a Virgo, born on 9/14/80. Then after the final breakup with The Ex I meet The Barber, also a damn Virgo born on 8/30/80. I am a Libra and as you can see in the below description, Virgo is not exactly my perfect match, except when it comes to sex ha ha very fitting:

A Virgo man and a Libran woman are complete opposites when it comes to their cognitive skills. While he thinks rationally - from the head, she thinks emotionally - from the heart. This difference results in compatibility problems between the two. His practical, unemotional and reserved nature is sure to be problematic for her emotional and caring nature. His nose for perfection is also a matter of concern for this match. The major disparity between the partners is that while the Libra thinks and acts from the heart, the Virgin does it from their head. The former is far too expressive for the practical and realistic Virgo, who might not be able to take his lovey-dovey nature. The uncertainty and irresolution of the Libran is sure to irritate the Virgo. On the other hand, the conventional and the prejudiced attitude of the Virgo would do the same to the former. When dating turns sexual, the Libra woman will be compelled to ecstasy by her Virgo man’s precision in lovemaking. She’ll envelope him with soft touches and together they can achieve perfect harmony.



  1. You should read "Lost & Found Lovers" by Dr. Nancy Kalish who did a study based on this situation. Although most of the case studies are based on rekindled romance, she discusses that first loves or "lost loves" ("the one that got away") leave a biological imprint on us during our formative adolescent years that helps define our concept of love and in a way, creates a permanent bond to that person in a way no one else can.

    She doesn't state that all lost loves are meant to be together; in fact, first loves could easily be unhealthy and abusive as well, like any other relationship. But the bond is there, nevertheless, and becomes part of who we are.

    This book helped me answer a lot of questions and confusion I was having when I reconnected with my first love on FB (nothing resulted from it). It was amazing and comforting to read about others' experiencing the same type of confusion I was having. Dr. Kalish has a site too, you could check out at lostlovers.com.

    Hope this helps.

  2. Your relationship with The Ex reminds me a lot of Gavin's relationship with his current on-off again gf, "The Swedish Chick". They have a clearly co-dependent relationship where they really can't seem to quit each other, but neither one of them seems very happy in...as evidenced by communication I've seen and heard and by his presence in my world. I have no words of advice...just pointing out the similarities. ;) I guess it's hard to love and move on. When I'm done with you, I'm just done...game over.

  3. Before I was married, my ex-girlfriend Amy and I had a very similar relationship - we hated one another's guts, but there was so much history and growing that we did together it was hard to really let one another go. And similarly, we'd break up from time to time, and I'd always cave and take her back (until I met Lena and had a real reason not to).

    I think, for us, it was about comfort levels, and old dreams about the rest of our lives, and needing something familiar when the whole rest of our lives were so crazy. Despite all the problems, we had some genuinely good times together and there were moments where she made me feel more cared about than I ever had in my whole life (up to that point, anyways). It's so easy to remember all the good things she made me feel. It usually took the help of friends to remind me of how bad it got.