Monday, October 31, 2011

Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy

Well it was another interesting weekend in the life of Miranda. Friday night my friend D and I went to a Halloween party and then to see her boyfriend’s band play and there were a couple stories I thought you might enjoy.

Starting off - At the Halloween party, it was at the house of my super sweet, beautiful hair dresser friend “A” that I’ve mentioned in the past. Long story short, we became friends last year because we were both going through a divorce and I’ve spent a lot of time with her going out over the last year to see her boyfriend’s various bands (yes it seems like the majority of my friends date guys in bands and therefore, I’ve become a local groupie). So anyways, her boyfriend has a history of less than stellar faithfulness, which is insane because if there was ever a catch it’s my friend A. More than once I’ve felt like he flirted inappropriately with me but I just try to ignore that as much as possible – even though I think he’s smoking hot and if he wasn’t a good friend’s BF I’d probably be all up on it (well I would have been in the past LOL).

So D and I go to the party and I swear while we were there he said like 5 inappropriate things to me. I must have looked shocked every time he said something because he kept laughing it off and like throwing his arm around me and apologizing. What is wrong with guys???

Later D and I were at the bar listening to the band play when I looked across the room and met eyes with my Imaginary Baby Daddy. It’s the lead singer of this country rockabilly band. I’ve seen him around at various live music events quite a bit because his band tends to play with D’s boyfriend’s band. About a month ago I drunkenly texted Jules and Gwyn and told them to look him up on Facebook because if I was ever going to have a baby daddy, he’d be my first pick just due to his hotness.

Quickly, he’s 30, about 6’4, tattooed all over (he owns a tattoo shop), black hair he wears slicked back in a total nod to Elvis, light blue eyes, and he dresses pretty much just like what you’d expect a country wanna be rock star to dress. He’s got this different personality too where you can tell he’s used to getting whatever he wants (especially from women) and he comes off all weirdly sweet yet cocky Mr. Rico SauvĂ©. He idolizes the rockabilly era and pretty much as I described him to D, he’s a caricature come to life. Oh and he has three kids by two different baby mama’s – hence why he’d only be an imaginary baby daddy for me.

So his band had just finished playing and he was out on the dance floor with the rest of the crowd listening to the next band. D and I were having a blast dancing and laughing and singing at the top of our lungs and IBD (Imaginary Baby Daddy) and I kept catching each other’s eye. It was one of those great anticipatory filled moments. Before long he left his gaggle of girls (he seems to travel with a constant harem) and worked his way through the crowd over to us. IBD and I started dancing - like real dancing not just grinding and it was I’ll admit it, very exciting in my addled state lol. We danced for pretty much the rest of the night except for a few times when D drug me off the dance floor but every time we’d go back on he was right back dancing with me.

At the end of the night we were just chatting a little bit, until that point we really hadn’t talked at all, and he asked me if I wanted to get out of there. D was all “no way” but I told her she didn’t have anything to worry about that I wasn’t going to sleep with him. She didn’t believe me because IBD is a big time player – BIG TIME. Like maybe one of the worst I’ve seen in real life. And the girls who flock around him really don’t seem to care. But this new Miranda was determined to pull a Gwyn and go home with the guy and not actually have sex with him.

I told him I was game but that we were not going to be having sex. He kind of smirked and grabbed his guitar and we jumped in his jeep and headed off. About halfway back to our town I realized he was going to his house, not mine. I corrected him and told him we had to go to my place. He had like a 5 year old temper tantrum about having to drive an extra five miles out of his way. I literally laughed at him and told him he was a little boy. I swear IBD pouted the last 10 minutes of the ride and I laughed at him the whole way.

We ran up the stairs to my place and D called and said she wanted to come crash at my place because she had a fight with her boyfriend so I told her to come on. Again, another grown man pouting fit that someone else was going to have my attention. I swear I laughed and laughed at him and asked him if he hadn’t ever had a woman tell him no before. He looked perplexed and said he couldn’t’ remember the last time that happened. HA! Then he kissed the hell out of me.

We stood there in my kitchen for the next 20 minutes making out like crazy. So funny that I just wrote the kissing post because it was like he had read it. He very well may have been the best kisser I’ve ever had the pleasure of locking lips with. And he was really aggressive and forceful with how he handled me in a very exciting (not scary) way. Like really grabbing my face or arms and pulling my head back as he kissed my neck. It was freaking hot! Maybe more so because I knew I wasn’t going to let it go any further.

Eventually D got there and as one of my drunken habits I ended up cooking food for both of them to eat. IBD said he was going to lie down and he went in my room and pulled me with him. He threw me on to my bed and started kissing me again and I knew I needed to get out of there ASAP or my resolve would be broken. I pulled away and he pulled me back down and begged me not to go back out in the living room. I told him to grow up and I’d be back in a few minutes – HA!

I went back out and hung out with D for like 30 minutes figuring it would give him time to cool off and hopefully fall asleep so my resolve wouldn’t be so sorely tempted. When I finally went to bed he was in fact asleep. I crawled in and he immediately wrapped his arms around me and I went to sleep. In the morning when I woke up I wondered if I’d have to be breaking out some Jedi defense moves but he was very gentlemanly. He kept his arms around me and kissed my forehead and hand. Every time I’d shift, he’d adjust his position to keep me comfortable and dude even kept holding my hand. It was crazy and so unexpected! It made me wonder if that was all part of his player skills and that if that’s how he acted the morning after having sex with all these girls it’s no wonder they are all hung up on him like crazy.

However, given that we had not had sex, he really had no power of me so I just got to enjoy the attention and revel in it a bit. He got up to get dressed at one point and he even got back into bed fully clothed and just lay there for like an hour talking to me. We did finally get up and we stood in the kitchen while he provided me with a soliloquy of his life philosophy while he drank a beer and ate a pop tart. HAHAHA! And the funniest part is that this soliloquy was about how everyone is scared to just “be themselves” and every one it “putting on an act.” This from a cartoon character come to life!

When he left he hugged me and pulled out his phone. IDK what he was going to ask but I assume it was to add me to his sure to long list of girls’ numbers and I laughed and said, Maybe I’ll see you around sometime,” then I opened the door. IBD looked perplexed and said, “Damn! ‘I’ll see you around.’ I feel like I just got used.” I laughed and shut the door.

Damn he was sexy and if he has sex the way he kisses, it would have been freaking awesome. But that’s just going to have to remain a mystery because this girl is on a mission!


PS - Saturday night I was at another Halloween party and D's boyfriend's band was playing again. The lead singer is this weirdly attractive guy just based off his personality alone and that he has the swagger to be a lead singer.  And he's uber rich, like seriously rich rich rich.  And he's married.  And I swear he was hitting on me.  In a subtle testing the waters way.  What the hell kind of sign do I have over my head these days?

Long Distance Dedication

Forgive the cheese factor but yall know my struggles with my relationship with Coach and unless you're clueless, you see how the situation Jules is in with Gavin mirrors it in a lot of ways. 

So here's my long distance dedication to Jules!  Hang in there! It does get better with time, not saying that it disappears completely but it definitely gets easier.

Love, Miranda

Saturday, October 29, 2011


Just a quick post to say that this is such a fucking struggle...I actually talked to Gavin this morning. It seems after more ignored phone calls last night and this morning, he needed an additional reminder that I don't want to see or talk to him. He's totally confused as to why I changed the rules and my mind on how I want this to be....I don't think I've ever met anyone this stupid. Sadly, I have to admit it's still tearing me up. I want to just say "fine" and see him, but I'm NOT. Like I said, my ego is involved now and I know if I don't do it now, I'll just have to do it all over again in a little while. There is NO sense in prolonging the inevitable and it won't get easier to do again later, it will only get harder. I really liked it when he wasn't here. He keeps asking if we can't just be friends, of course we can't...moron.

On that note of all things fucked, Owen emailed me this morning to tell me he's going back to the Dr. on Monday because this stuff isn't healing and he's halfway through the antibiotic. OMG, I'm hoping they didn't misdiagnose him. I'm really freaking out about that, despite my Dr. visit. What if I did have it and mine just healed before I saw her?? I tried repeatedly to request the blood test, but she wouldn't do it. Also, he leaves to go to CA with his son from Nov. 1-7th. Sooooo, no sex for Jules for freaking eons. That is going to make not caving that MUCH harder...damn men, damn addictions. It might be time for new because just stewing in this is NO fun.


8 Days, Working on My 30.

I swear I feel like I'm working toward recovery. Gwyn and I were discussing it today and I've decided we must form Bad Relationships Anonymous. Gavin had not called at all since our tense convo/voice mails on Monday. I was doing a really great job of moving the fuck on, until he called me 6 times from the airport asking me for a ride home from the airport last night. I actually laughed out loud that he would assume I would not only pick him up and drive him home, but would want to hang out with him after that.

Once I knew he was safely on the plane, I called and left a voice mail telling him that I would not be there to pick him up and that I did not want to see or talk to him again. I said I was pretty damn certain in the past few days he had not given up cocaine or broken up with his gf and since NOTHING had changed, I really didn't have anything to say. This did not deter him from calling me back 4 more times last night after he landed. Either he's totally obsessed in a crazy stalker kind of way or he's in love with me and won't  admit it beyond saying he had "feelings" for me...regardless, I'm standing firm in my resolve to finally hold true to what I want now. I'm finished catering to his needs, as I have spent the last year and a half doing. It's hard as hell, but each day gets a little easier. It is MUCH harder now that I know he's back, but still easier than it was last week (you know, before I caved like a little bitch).

The universe has done quite the job affirming my decision this week. In addition to all the things I've already posted, I overheard a convo at the salon the other day where one of the hairdressers was gossiping about Gavin and the gf and noted that the gf's son told her that he REFUSED to live with Gavin any longer and was leaving. He's 13. Gwyn pointed out that a kid even knew to cut him out of their life and I should take notes. Gavin totally lied to me about this because he said the kid just wanted to live near his dad. Another sad but poignant convo happened last night at dinner with Chloe when she asked if this was going to be like every other time I've said I wasn't going to be friends with Gavin anymore and then decided to again...talk about a reality smack in the face. I don't even think I answered her. How embarrassing when your kid calls you out on such crap!

Owen emailed me last night that his staph is actually getting a lot worse, hopefully before it heals. He's still freaking out, as would any guy with sores on their cock! He said it's really gross. Poor Baby!!

Anyway I'm on Day 8, working toward my 30. My boss showed me this picture yesterday and I've decided it is Jules' new official motto regarding Gavin.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Free At Last

I found something the other day...my self esteem. I've missed it for the last year and a half. I'm not sure where it went, but I guess a divorce will do that to you. At any rate, Jules is BACK. I mean the old kick-ass version of Jules that most of you have never met.  I am no longer hooking up with washed up addicts. I am no longer making concessions for people that don't belong in my life. By this I mean,  I am no longer fucking Gavin. I am officially done.

When I'm done with you, I am over it. When I finally get to that point, you have reached the point of no return. The thing that pushed me over was re-reading old blog posts, realizing what a total asswipe he is, and realizing that I am essentially playing second string to his washed up addict gf (who didn't but very well could have given me herpes) and that very thought grossed me out on so many levels. I am not second choice to someone like that. I am so much better than this (read them).

I understand there will be critics because I've gone back so many times before, but not this time. This time, Jules is ready to make the change. If I believed in God, I'd thank him for being free at last. It honestly feels like a weight has been lifted off of me.

PS My Dr visit today went VERY well. No signs of Herpes (whew!), no staph infection, and awaiting test results for others but feeling pretty damn good. I also talked her into a new birth control pill (Yaz), which should help to reduce my psychosis during PMS week (which is now, but I don't actually start Yaz until Sunday). The bad news is that I have a bad yeast infection, which explains the itching, and I can't have sex for a week while I treat it because it is apparently the 7 day treatment kind of bad and not the 3 day kind. I'll take a little ole yeast infection over herpes ANY day though!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

TMI Tuesday - Not Related

TMI is brought to you again this week by tmituesdayblog.wordpress.com

1. Name 5 things you did more of before social networking (facebook, myspace, twitter, etc.)?Watched more TV, read, wrote emails, actually searched things out on the Internet, and called people when I wanted to know what was going on in their lives. Incidentally, FB is the only social network I use. - Jules
Talked on the phone and wrote emails.  That's about it really.  I'm only on Facebook too. - Miranda
I spent more time on the phone (texting, talking, etc.) and definitely wrote more emails. I may have watched a little more television. I worried less about what my friends were doing, that's for sure. Ok that's all I've got...4 out of 5 ain't bad! I'm on FB and recently set up a Tumblr to catalog my Hawaiian adventures for my friends and family back home. -Gwyn
2. Your house is on fire, what do you grab as you run out?
Um, my kid... - Jules
Well aside from my kids and the cat, my cell phone. And probably my laptop. And checkbook. And purse. Ha! - Miranda
My 2 cats (I've actually had several anxiety dreams where this very thing happens and I freak out trying to save my cats...hey I don't have human children!), iPhone, and a couple of keepsakes from my dad that I really treasure and can't be replaced. Otherwise I think I could do without most everything else, living in Hawaii has proven that! -Gwyn
3. Are you a morning person or a night owl?
Night Owl! - Jules
I'm good all day and night. Don't really have a preference though as I get older I need more sleep and it's harder to get up in the morning. But I'm far from grumpy like other certain people on this blog (ahem Jules) - Miranda
Is neither a choice? I'm pretty much tired from the minute I wake up until I go to sleep. But now I'm much more of a morning person than I used to be and definitely not a night person anymore - Jules and Miranda call me a grandma! I'm usually in bed by 10pm at the latest. -Gwyn 
a. What time did you go to bed last night?
I went to bed about 12am. - Jules
About 11:30. I'm desperately trying to make myself start going to bed earlier.  I've been sick for two weeks and 6 hours of sleep at night just isn't cutting it right now! - Miranda
10pm - actually a little on the late side for me and McDreamy. -Gwyn
4. A kid comes up to you and kicks you in the shin, what do you do?
Grab it and beat it senseless...little fucker. Kidding, I'm a social worker. I would seriously catch it though and try to find out WTF was going on! What kind of question is that?? - Jules
Find it's parents and exclaim WTF in righteous indignation.  Then tell all yall what a little shit that kid was. - Miranda
Grab him by the hair (because only a male child would do such a thing lol), march him to his parents (assuming they are in the vicinity) and tell his parents that they need to do a better job raising their little piece of shit kid. -Gwyn
5. What three things do you never leave the house without?
My wallet, my keys, and my cell phone. - Jules
My license, my cell, and my keys. And sunglasses! - Miranda
Sunglasses, iPhone....hmmmm that's about it. I'm lucky if I remember to bring my wallet and even luckier if my wallet actually contains my check card and license. -Gwyn
Bonus: Name a place that you visited last week that you’ve never visited before. Briefly tell us about the visit.
Last week, I took a blind student from the place where I work to Maui for a visit at our sister location to give an amazing inspirational speech to the students there. I've been to Maui, but not the the towns we drove through. Also, I took her to the lavender farm there which is simply amazing!! I would seriously consider having Chloe's wedding there one day. - Jules
Jules - you know Chloe gets a say in where her wedding will be right lol?  Last week I was going in the hospital through the staff entrance for the first time and trying to valiently look like I knew where I was going and that I actually belonged in the staff hallways.  I went through the door and looked down at my phone to answer a text. I made a right turn and reached out for the next door and just happened to look up and see I was about to enter the MORGUE!  I did a quick pivot and quickly walked in the other direction.  - Miranda 
Let's see, I've been to so many new places lately it's hard to keep it all straight. I went to a local beach for the first time last week with McDreamy and we had a blast. At the beginning of this week I visited the bus stop in town for the first time - and let me tell you THAT is a place I don't want to visit again. It may as well have been a port-a-potty. -Gwyn

Monday, October 24, 2011

Scared Straight? Almost...

It’s been a clusterfuck of OMG around here the past few days and just when you thought Jules’ life couldn’t get any more insane! After the marathon makeup sex with Gavin a week and a half ago, I was really sore. I felt like he’d scratched me and I had a few places that were hurting. We had super rough, crazy sex so I didn’t worry about it at all. Then, I had sex with Owen after that.
Owen sent me a text last week saying that he had bumps all over his cock and on his balls. He said it looked like a problem from shaving, but that he was freaking out a little about it because it itched. Then last night, he sends me a picture and tells me that it’s not healing.  Since I’m still a little sore I started freaking out, even though I don’t have the spots that he does.  Of course, we went right to it being herpes because I swear that’s exactly what it looked like. I was terrified that I’d gotten it from Gavin and given it to Owen, but then Owen texts me this morning to tell me that he’s going to the Dr. today and that his ex gf (the one before me) finally admitted to being with a guy before him that had herpes. She swears she’s never had an outbreak and gets tested regularly.  I did all kinds of Internet research and was literally a basket case.
Meanwhile, I’m trying to be a responsible adult and called Gavin last night to tell him the scoop. He called me this morning and left a hateful message about how last night was not a good time for me to call him and that he was working today, but that he would call me during lunch. Of course I called him and told him I found it amazingly rich how he blew my fucking phone up last week, but now that he’s in CA it’s not a good time for me to call. I told him again that I wasn’t calling to chit chat, but that I was worried we might all have herpes and suggested he go get a blood test. His reply “Alrighty then…”. I said that was all I had to say and hung up. If it had been 20 years ago, I would have slammed the receiver down as I said that with much satisfaction. It’s really unsatisfying to hang up on people now when you’re angry.
Back to Owen, he goes to the Dr. today and the Dr. pretty much assures him that it’s just a staph infection from shaving. She said if it was herpes he would have a lot of symptoms that he doesn’t have like a fever and painful burning beyond the itching. She did do a full STD panel just to be sure, but isn’t treating it for anything else. She gave him an antibiotic and Neosporin.  The results of his blood test for herpes will take 2-3 weeks. I have an appt. tomorrow afternoon myself, just to be sure, but I’m feeling pretty good right now after this news. I’m telling you guys, the picture he sent looked BAD!
I did the right thing and called Gavin back, despite not wanting to do so at all. I am so pissed at him over his whole reaction to this that I could strange him. Fortunately, it went to voice mail. I told him that I was giving him the courtesy of a follow up call that the Dr. thought Owen’s problem was just staph and that I’m going tomorrow to be tested as well, just in case. I told him I freaked out because I’d become sore after having sex with him that week and then when Owen sent me the picture last night, I lost it. I ended my message by telling him that I would not be calling back unless something showed up on my end and that I really had nothing further to say to him.
I spent a good deal of time yesterday reading old blog posts from last year when I met him (before any of this insanity started last night). Most of them say exactly the same things that I keep saying now, minus the feelings part. It’s almost verbatim, which surprises me that ya’ll still read it. The same shit on a smaller scale was going on then that’s going on now and your comments all warned me to walk away.  What was evident in reading it though was how intense our sexual attraction is/was to one another. It was almost like we couldn’t fight it off. I feel like such an idiot for falling for him though. I feel like an even bigger idiot for having sex with him again last week and even thinking that he could/would change.  I really do know that he’s not the one (not even the one for right now) and I desperately want out of this with him. I hope this escapade does it on both of our ends. I need him to be angry back and to leave me alone when he returns. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve realized I’m miserable with the whole situation. I wanted him to be that guy, but he’s not which makes me really sad.  I’m sad when I’m around him hence the shut down over the intimacy and I’m sad when I’m not (though far less so right now that I’m feeling homicidal towards him)…WTF? I think I’d like to just crawl into a hole now, please. I seriously need some peace and tranquility. 
Incidentally, I feel like a total whore for screwing around on Owen because of how he handled this situation, assumed complete responsibility, and was so open and upfront. I suck. It could have ended very differently and if I had contracted something as horrible as what we thought, I would have been responsible for fucking up his life in a big way. 

Out with the Old, In with the New

So besides lecturing Jules the last few days, I have to say Miranda had an awesome weekend. Definitely one of those that made me completely enjoy the absence of boys in my life and remind me how many good friends I have.

It all started Thursday with an awesome concert with my sister, her husband, and my sister in law. As it seems to occur, while I was there my phone was blowing up with texts from Grandpa Twin, College Crush, and even McQueen.

Friday was dinner with the girls and a skype date with Gwyn. It was so funny to sit and talk to her while she was on the beach in a bikini and we were all freezing wearing sweaters and jeans and boots. And McDreamy was with her and everyone kept wanting to see him and he’d sneakily edge in the side of the picture and all the girls would yell. It was like our own live version of Where’s Waldo. He was definitely a good sport, even when Gwyn sneakily turned her phone so the girls could see a full on glimpse of him. Odd moment of the night award goes to when I got a call from freaking Sawyer that he was in my neighborhood (i.e. apartment complex) and wanted to stop by. Alas I was not home and he sounded disappointed. Thank the heavens for intervening and keeping me away from home Friday night!

Saturday, I drug myself out of bed and went to a local festival with my friend D and her boyfriend (Coach’s BFF) and we had a freaking blast. I seriously think I could listen to live music nonstop. Midway through the day we ran into some people from our town. This older couple is kind of odd and different and they are both retired but make/sell moonshine. HA! So anyways we were standing there for a moment and the older woman introduces me to her daughter and tells her I used to date Coach. Note – since we broke up he’s still yet to tell anyone we’re not together. EVERY freaking time I am out I run into people asking about him and us and how we are and I am the one who has had to tell all his friends/acquaintances that we broke up. It makes for awkward and sometimes entertaining conversations.

Anyways, so she tells her daughter we used to date and the daughter shook her head and smiled. Then she said, “I knew Coach years ago when he was still married and I always thought he was a hot mess. You really dodged a bullet there girl.” My friend D and I nearly fell down in the street laughing. Coach’s BFF was less amused but even he cracked a smile. Then we progressed to drinking about 2 pm and it continued on…for the next 12 hours.

After the festival, we headed back to town to get ready for a night out with D, her boyfriend, and 3-4 of my other friends. While we were getting ready, Grandpa Twin started drunk texting me. If you remember from last summer he so cannot drunk text. He’s the one who said the famous, “I’ll hold your head in my hands and kiss your f’n mouth off.” Unfortunately he didn’t say anything too amazing other than that “U r so special to me. I was just too scared of me. Oops, I men U. Dammit I’m drunk. Nothing I say tonight counts.” HA!

I was super excited to wear my first pair of skinny jeans with some new boots I bought and we headed to bar number 1. Nothing overly exciting happened there besides a lot of drinking and silliness. We danced and cheered for the band. At one point I did look around and realize that everyone there I had legit friendships with now. Some were my friends pre-Coach but all the rest are people I met because of Coach but we’ve developed actual friendships. It definitely shook off the last vestiges of feeling like an outsider in our small town.

Later we headed to another bar where an up and coming country singer was performing. D and I danced like crazy and had a blast. When the band was done, her boyfriend took us backstage to meet the singer who was incredibly cute and probably 25 years old. We hung out in the “green room” for a while and chatted. At one point D dared me to steal something from the room and well because I was drunk and tend to do crazy things when I’ve been drinking, I agreed. I ended up stealing one of his shirts and somehow magically cramming it into my tiny clutch to smuggle it out. I wore the shirt the rest of the night like a badge of honor.

Yesterday was an indulgent day of lying on the couch and doing very little of anything that required any brainpower or energy. But I have to say, this trio of fun nights out that had little if anything to do with boys was pretty awesome and something I feel like I’m going to be replicating again very near in the future.

I’m thinking it’s time to take back my nights (and days) and focus more on me and less on them. New job, new attitude, new plan!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

The New Rules

Clearly and rightfully so, many of you are worried that I've lost my damn mind. I may have, but I have not done it without a great amount of thought and I'll be the first to tell you all that I'm not sure how it's going to go. He's willing to make some changes though, thus I'm willing to let him attempt it. I'm a social worker and I have to have some faith that people can change. That being said, I also have known and worked with and lived with many an addict in my life, so we'll see. The part about him not being willing to change for himself is the real stickler in this...because he's not there yet.

The New Rules
1. He will not be around Chloe at any time in a manner where her safety is in his control. He will not babysit for me and he will not be in control of any device (car, truck, kayak,surfboard, etc.) where he controls her safety.
2. There will be NO cocaine around me...period. It is not allowed in my house or in my presence.
3 I'm also over the porn addiction, but will tolerate it in small quantities. The banishment of the cocaine will go hand and hand with this one, since he really only tweaks on porn when he's fucked up.
4. I can tell when he's high, most of the time before he even opens his mouth. If he's high, I will leave where he is and/or throw him out of my house.

I know you are all skeptical, but it really is a new day. He knows I'm serious about this and he said he's willing to abide by the new rules. He's quit before and he's quit other things before as well that I found completely intolerable. I have some small amount of faith that he'll do this.

What I am struggling with is whether or not I want to take it back to just sex or force the issue on the dating thing too. Obviously I have feelings for him, but I'm not going to act on it until I see how he does with the new rules. I also don't want to get into the whole you have to leave your gf situation either, as that will either happen or not, but since I'm still living with Russell, it's not really even an issue at the present moment. Like I said in my last post, the kissing and intimacy thing is what I've wanted from him, but when I got it I felt myself shutting down inside. I have theories on this, but in the interest of not over analyzing everything, I'm going to shut up now and let this play out some when he gets back from CA. I just wanted to put some of your minds at ease that I will not allow things to go back to the status quo. That time is over.

Saturday, October 22, 2011


I was raised Catholic and if you sinned you simply went to Confession, confessed, and said your 10 Hail Mary's or whatever. Now I'm an atheist, but "Forgive me Father for I have sinned...". I caved.

Last night was in my mind a farewell fuck, but in his mind it was something else. He claimed it was the beginning of something different with us. He needed to see me and I allowed it. Today, I'm sure it wasn't an actual farewell fuck, but it does feel different. It feels like a 'be careful what you ask for moment'.

He walked into my house and grabbed hold of me. I reiterated that I wasn't fucking him, and told him that  if he wanted to talk than we could do so. He laid on my bed and pointed out that he wasn't high and that he was taking baby steps toward what I wanted. I said baby steps weren't a enough and he could call me when he was ready to take giant steps. He replied that he really was trying and it was painfully obvious on his face that he is, though he's still not anywhere near where I need/want him to be.

Anyway, we went round and round and I fought off his advances for a long time. Things got aggressive, but remained playful on his end. He kept trying to lick my kitty and suck my tits and I would push him off me. He begged for sex and I refused. Then he kissed me...deeply and intimately. I asked why since we don't do this. He said because he wanted to and kept kissing me, softly and then seductively along my neck. The next thing I knew, he was slipping his dick into me and we were having very passionate sex with kissing the entire time until I flipped over. Yep, I got played. I only came twice, but it was an odd mixture of everything I've wanted from him and a huge detachment on my part (hence my need to flip over and stop the intimacy). I felt myself pulling away while he was kissing me, not physically but in a mental/emotional sense.

He finished and laid there with me until I told him he needed to leave because I had to go to sleep. He kissed me again on the way out and told me how much he had missed me. I missed him too, a lot but I also know that this isn't healthy. I want to be with him, but I want to be with the version of him that I know he can be...not the current version.

He called me today and said how amazing last night was and asked me if I felt the shift in our relationship. I said that I enjoyed last night, but I was interested to see how and if he keeps it up. He's going to CA today for a few days for work (and to see the gf which he conveniently left out of the convo). I'm remaining very detached when we talk and I'm curious to see how things go when he gets back. If he's willing to try, I'm willing to let him but on a different level. He's basically going to have to start over. For example, he will not be around Chloe again for a long time in a situation that I don't have total control over. Quite simply, I don't trust him. He's going to have to prove himself and I don't know that he can.

Let the tongue lashing begin...

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Pucker Up

With all the kissing I’ve been doing lately it’s been making me ponder. Kissing is really an odd thing in and of itself. In some ways it seems more intimate than actual sex. And everyone kisses so different! I thought it would be fun to do a little trip down memory lane and share with you some of the kissing styles I’ve encountered. For the record, I think there’s just the right mix of tongue and lip action. Wet but not too wet. I love when it starts out with just gentle lip kisses and a guy rubs his lips over mine before progressing to full on tongue kissing. And the best kisses go back and forth between just lips and full tongue along with well timed breaks when a guy kisses down my jaw to my ear or neck. I also love love love when a guy touches my face when we kiss or puts his hands in my hair.

Lawyer Boy was an interesting kisser. He didn’t use a lot of tongue but there was a lot of lip kissing and lip biting/sucking. As ADD as he was I expected him to be all over the place but he really wasn’t.

Flyboy – Mmmmmm Flyboy. I swear I can’t think of him without a quiver going down my back. He was easily the best kisser ever. And these lips have kissed a lot of boys! He definitely employed all my favorite techniques listed above. He was aggressive in his kissing in a way that made me feel like he wanted to “own” me and he was just so freaking hot! I’m going to have to take a moment here and enjoy the memory……………..I need another moment………………….One more……………… Ok. I’m better now.

Braceface was an awful kisser. My only excuse for going back and kissing him more than once was that I was drunk a lot last summer. Ha! He was a total limp dishrag kisser. I swear he just put his tongue in my mouth and laid it there. Maybe it was the braces, maybe he just can’t kiss. It was not impressive at all.

FJB was a good kisser though maybe I was just so nuts for him it swayed my opinion. Being an engineer he was pretty precise about how we kissed and it never got wet and sloppy and out of control. Even in our hottest moments he was very much in control and he never got carried away. It was measured – the more I think about it the more that seems like a bad thing.

Sawyer was a fast kisser. He almost always had one hand buried in my hair and would pull my head back to kiss down my throat. He always moved his tongue in circles – fast. I often felt like I was in a tongue race with him. And he used to bite my lower lip a lot. It always made me worry that my bottom lip would be swollen and someone would notice.

SoCo was a slow kisser. I had the hardest time adjusting to his style. I always felt like I was going faster than he was. And he was not willing to budge at all with his style. I remember a couple times he told me I was being too aggressive with my tongue– HA! Yeah, this is the same guy who wanted me to bite his cock. Ok SoCo!

McQueen is a good kisser but he’s a wet kisser. I think that’s in no small part due him having big lips. He had a good break down between tongue and lip action along with lots of delicious little bites. And there were definitely moments of face soakage where I felt like I needed to wipe my face, but in a good way lol.

The Ginger was tentative. He started out more like he wasn’t sure how far to put his tongue in my mouth that makes sense lol. He did get better after a little bit though. Maybe his lack of confidence in his kissing abilities is what took him so long to kiss me in the first place?

Motorcycle Man is a decent kisser. He does a lot of lip kissing and not as much tongue, which isn’t all bad. He’s got a needy quality to his kissing though if you can imagine that. Like I almost feel like he’s trying to draw me in, which I guess he is since he sent me this message out of the blue last night – “Think I could fall in love if you’d just let me.” HAHAHA! He’s persistent if nothing else. The message is even funnier because we haven’t hardly talked or texted or anything since we had dinner last week.

Sarge is a good kisser. Just enough tongue. Just enough lip action. He needs more evaluation lol. But he did bring up a size issues I’ve been having. Not it’s not that Sarge is only a couple inches taller than me (though that is a legit issue in my book) it’s that all these guys lately, Sarge included, don’t even come close to feeling physically the same as Coach.

I’m not talking emotions here but actual physical size. Coach is a freaking linebacker, like you see him and you immediately think football player. Giant shoulders, arms, barrel chest, and he’s topping 6’4. He’s a big freaking guy which I find very hot. He was a great kisser on top of that. Our kissing styles matched from day one.

So every time I have been with the Ginger (6’6 and average build), McQueen (6’2 and thin but he has muscles), Sarge (5’9 and thinner with muscles) they just don’t feel right. I noticed this both with McQueen and Sarge that we’d be kissing and I’d put my arms around them or touch their face/head and they just felt SMALL! And they’re really not! I’m just so conditioned to Coach still that everyone else feels tiny when they are normal. It’s like I have reverse body dysmorphic disorder.

I’ll admit I really miss kissing Coach. As I’ve been jumping up and down on the Jules train trying to keep her strong and away from Gavin, it’s still a fight for me every day not to get back with Coach. I’m certainly doing my best to move on and all his flaws and major missteps are in my face every step of the way but it’s still hard. In Jules’ last post where she likened Gavin to being her drug addiction I thought that was a perfect analogy for me and Coach too. And I think that is a lot of the reason why all these guys I’ve been seeing aren’t really going anywhere. Like I’m subliminally putting out there that I am not ready to get attached, though obviously Motorcycle Man’s radar is saying, “Get her while she’s weak!”


This IS What Friends Are For

Friends are here to support you to keep you from making stupid, harmful choices.  Thank you to Gwyn and Miranda (and quite a few others…Adam, Damien, my work husband, Russell, my bff, etc)!  I’ve done an amazing amount of insightful thought the last few days. I’ve also relapsed some. Monday night I did not return his call acting like nothing had ever happened. Tuesday, I was not so strong.
Gavin called me Tuesday morning telling me that he was super sick and that he thought he had this really bad, almost lethal illness that he’d contracted once before that landed him in the hospital. Please note that I’ve since discovered he’s a total hypochondriac after subsequent phone calls resulted in him diagnosing himself with a kidney stone.  I called him back a few times and didn’t get an answer, which did actually make me worry. Then I called him again from the airport before I left Maui to come home yesterday and he answered and said he’d just been sleeping all day but that he was still super sick. I felt badly and agreed to come see him after class and bring him some supplies. Relapse.
He called me back 15 minutes later as I was boarding and asked me how to make a Bloody Mary because he thought this would help him feel better. I told him and hung up and thought to myself “Are you fucking kidding me?” Upon landing, Miranda had gotten wind of my plans via Gwyn to go over there last night and they both convinced me what an epically stupid idea that was. I decided to call him and set some things straight. 
I told him that 1st of all, if he’s able to drink he’s probably not sick enough that he needs my TLC. I told him that he was acting like nothing I’d said Saturday and Sunday had even happened and I just went off from there. I grilled him. I told him I wasn’t dealing with his addictions anymore. I told him that I have feelings for him that I’m not just sitting on anymore and laid it out. He told me that he’s been super bummed the last 2 days because he feels like he’s lost his bff and that’s probably why he’s sick. Are you kidding me??? No, I didn’t cause you to be sick, asshole.  When he realized this convo wasn’t going the way he wanted, meaning he couldn’t manipulate me, he said he needed to go throw up.
He called me back at the end of class and I resumed grilling him. Relapse. I told him that I can’t just fuck him anymore and that I can’t deal with his addictions and that is just not what I want in my life. I acknowledged that I’d done it suddenly and I knew that was hard for him but his behavior on Saturday really left me no other choice. He didn’t seem to get that part at all, like doing cocaine around an 8 year old was ok. NOT OK!!!! I’m done now.  He started begging to see me and I stood firm. I told him I was exhausted and I was going home to bed and that conversing with him was exhausting me further.
He called back about an hour later and begged again to come over. Relapse. He was horny and I told him he couldn’t come over and I really didn’t want to see him if he’s as sick as he claims in addition to you know, me not wanting to see him in general anymore! He said he was going into the grocery store and would call me when he got out seeing if I changed my mind. I didn’t, but I almost did. Relapse. He was seriously wearing me down. He’s manipulative and I will eventually give in to nagging in order to shut people up. I do it frequently.  His reply, which summed up my whole deal, was that since I didn’t want to see him, he was going to X’s house. X is a junkie too.  They always use together…always. X is also Owen’s bff, though Owen doesn’t use. Gavin called me back at almost 1am. Thankfully I slept through that call, but he was high (I’d bet money on it) and wanted to come over for sex.
I had a great, long talk with Gwyn today about why Gavin has been such a big part of my life. Basically we determined that I met him at the weakest point in my life. I met him last year just over a month after I’d told Russell I wanted a divorce. I was vulnerable and down and needed what Gavin had to offer.  Now that Gwyn is here and has pointed out all of his shit, I finally see it. Previously, I didn’t really have anyone doing that for me. I’m very honest on here because I basically use this as a diary, but I can only be honest about what I “see”.  I’ve seen aspects of it, but I just glossed over it mentally and kept on. Then I realized how bad his addictions are in the last few weeks and then I realized that I did in fact have very strong feelings for him and then I freaked because I realized how horrible this could be, but because I do like him it’s been extremely hard to break away.  I quit crying Monday though. I am refusing to shed another tear on this subject. I’m also over analyzing it with regards to him. A lot of people have pointed out that I need to figure out what is wrong on my end with regards to why I let myself get here, but that I need to just give it up with regards to trying to “help” him or analyze what went wrong there b/c that’s all him, not me.
Then on the way to work, I called my Dad. I love my Dad. I had a great childhood with him, but he is no longer that man. He hasn’t been that man in years and years.  He became an alcoholic after I left home. He didn’t start using cocaine until years after that. My mother has always been an addict (cocaine, alcohol, pot), but not my dad and he had custody of me growing up.  Anyway, talking to him today really help reaffirm my decision to get out of this too because I see yet again what this drug does to people. I never, ever thought I would avoid talking to my dad, but I do it often now and have for years.  It makes me sad that I spent a year and a half involved with someone just like him, but it does help me see that I know the end of this movie. I know how it ends and I don’t want to be a part of that. I don’t want that life for myself and definitely not for Chloe. I’m much stronger today.
In other news, Owen texted me last night to tell me that he’s sick (and thankfully didn’t blame it on me). I hope he’s well soon because his magic dick will help keep me off Gavin too. Hell even Gwyn suggested I see Owen today and you all know how she feels about sleeping with married men, but she sees him as a far better option than Gavin!  He’s definitely a tool for screwing around on his wife, but as a cheater, I don’t judge that. Otherwise, I think he’s a really great man that I can have fun, hot sex with and not complicate it with feelings and such b/c that’s just not how our relationship is. That helps keep me strong too!
PS I will say that it's been a tough day. Gavin called and invited me to have a drink and talk. When I didn't reply, he called 4 times in a span of 20 minutes and then drove by my house and asked Russell when would I be home. This was followed by 2 phone calls after I was at home. I almost called him back out of habit, but I did resist, so not a total relapse! 

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

That's What Friends Are NOT For

Last night I was hanging out with McDreamy when one of his friends from home called him. They were chit chatting and naturally the conversation turned to me, his wonderful and amazing girlfriend!

What happened next is a replay of a conversation I've heard so many times I can't keep track. Basically, one guy calls another guy and gives him a hard time about having a girlfriend...about spending time with the girlfriend...makes fun of him for being faithful...picks on him and says things like "what are you getting married to this chick?"...essentially shames the guy for being in a relationship. I don't understand it.

Sure, girls can turn into man-hating male bashers pretty quick but not unless it's provoked aka the guy cheated on our friend, he treats her like shit, etc. We don't just call up our girlfriends and start railing them for having a boyfriend. We may lament at how we don't get to spend as much time together but as long as the man is treating her nicely we are nothing but supportive. My friends have all called and asked me about McDreamy and when I tell them how well it's going they say things like, "oh it's just like the movies, I'm so happy for you!"..."I can't believe this worked out it's fate, you guys are meant to be together"..."when do I get to come to wedding on the beach in Hawaii?"...."I'm so happy that you're happy"..."you deserve this I'm so happy for you"...words of encouragement and support!

I remember when Miranda was seeing Coach she encountered this very issue with one of his close friends. It was pretty obvious to her (and to me) that his friend was jealous of the time she spent with Coach and was angry that he was 'losing' his friend. Wouldn't it make more sense to be supportive and gain the trust and respect of the girlfriend so that she doesn't throw a temper tantrum any time her man wants to hang out with you? I can tell you from a woman's perspective that we usually put up a fight when our boyfriend/husband/partner wants to hang out with a friend who has done nothing but try to cause drama in our relationship or turn our man against us. I don't care if he's your best friend since 3rd grade, if he's been talking crap about me and/or our relationship I'm not going to be happy with you hanging out with him. We know how men typically are. There is a group mentality that goes on when men get together and I don't want my boyfriend being influenced by someone who is out to remove me from the picture - for no good reason at all.

Friends are supposed to be there for you to share in your happiness and success and to lift you up when you're down. They're not there to call you on a Tuesday night and tell you you're pussy whipped then laugh at you and tell you about all the hot skanks you're missing out on. I'm just sayin.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Now for a Moment of Levity

Over the weekend on Plenty of Fish I got a classic message. Too good not to share. Here’s the gist of it.

From Him - Hi there. I’m NAME. I’m 42, single, and have four great kids. I know that’s a lot of kids but they are great and I have no drama with my ex, well not as much drama as others. Don't worry I'm not looking for a mom for them, they already have one, though she's not much good these days.  I’ve been divorced for over four years now and I’m looking for a nice woman who has her life in order and understands that my kids come first. Your profile is great and you seem like you’d be a lot of fun to hang out with.

This might be a deal breaker but I believe in being honest. In July I broke up with my girlfriend and needed a place to live so I moved back in with my ex-wife. I live in the basement but I’m planning to move out in a month or so and I’m going to try to take custody of my two youngest kids. The ex might fight me about child support but the kids will be better off with me. The two older kids are hers but I adopted them years ago when we were together so I don’t think I should try and take them. They're teenagers so I think they'll understand.  Oh, I’m a truck driver too and do construction on the side so my schedule is all over the place.

Do you think that’s too much to handle while we get to know one another over the next few weeks?

My reply: Yes I do. Good luck though!

Honestly no exaggeration there. My ability to attract gimps with drama is reaching epic proportions these days.


Monday, October 17, 2011

Reading the Signs In Hindsight

Do you ever step back from your situation and notice all the signs that were there? With regards to the Gavin situation, they have been everywhere lately. It started with me being let in on the murder plot brewing between my mother, Gwyn, and Russell on ways to kill him and get away with it. It’s also been evident in how often I’ve been angry, upset, etc with him lately. I’m thinking back and realizing how long it’s been coming and I just looked the other way. It has even manifested itself in my dreams. I dreamt last week that Owen and Gavin met at my Dad’s house. (Um yeah, that doesn’t take a psychologist to analyze.) Owen was getting into my car and Gavin pulled up. Owen looked at me with shock and asked how I knew him and then told me that his wife knew him and noted what an addict he is. I left with Owen and when I came back, Gavin was gone in the dream.
Additionally, every single person in my life (even Gavin’s friend, Damien) has told me how bad he is for me and how much more I deserve. No one has even remotely suggested that I keep trying. I settled for a long time because I thought he was right for right then and I keep telling myself that as long as I’m living with Russell, I can’t really date anyone.  I have to work really hard today to remind myself that I’m getting out of this because of his addictions. I have to work to stay mad about that so that I don’t get overly sad about his inability to clean up and love me the way I wanted/needed him to do. Addicts will never choose someone over their addictions. I know this from years and years of experience. One day I hope the lesson gets easier or better yet, I quit attracting people with addiction issues.
My work husband, who is also a therapist, has told me that Gavin is my drug. He is in many ways. I was addicted to the sex and the attention. He told me that every time I talk to him, it’s a relapse.  I have not talked to him since last night. I don’t plan on talking to him again for a while. I’ll eventually have to in order to coordinate him getting things out of my house, but not now. I need to heal some first and be strong enough to talk to him and resist him all at the same time when it happens. I’ll be ok in a little while.
As far as other things go, I’m fighting my MO of getting over him by finding another. He’s really fucked with my head and I need to figure some shit out before I jump into something else destructive. I’m going home today and closing my online accounts  (which I haven’t checked in eons anyway because I was so caught up in Gavin for the last few months) and I’m just going to be by myself for a little while. I’ll continue to see Owen because I can’t totally pull the plug on it all and I need a safe release for my sexual issues. If I don’t keep seeing Owen for now, I’ll totally end up back with Gavin. It’s called harm reduction. While Owen is still part of my own sexual addiction issues, it’s less harmful and far less toxic than Gavin.

Hurt, Sadness, and Empowerment

I ended it today. I did it in a chickenshit way as my Daddy would say, but I did it. Gavin called me repeatedly today to hang out and I ignored his calls. Finally, I called him back and I told him that I have serious feelings for him and either I need to start actually dating him and I'm not dating an addict so he needs to get it together or I need to be done. He went into this thing about still having a gf and such and I told him that I was just done.He threw up Owen and all too. How can I have feelings for him like that when I'm seeing someone else as well? I just let it go and stood my ground.  Then, I sat on the beach and cried for an hour and a half, drove home, took a bath and cried some more, and pulled it together long enough to get through dinner.

He had called again while I was eating and asked what my ulterior motives are for this. He thinks I'm going to Maui this week with Owen instead of going for work like I really am. He thinks today I was doing something else instead of hiking with my family. I think it's easier for him to just think whatever and be done too and not look at himself as the reason. He can't seem to understand why I want to "end our fun deal". He can't seem to get that since I have feelings for him, it's not fun for me anymore. It hurts. It hurts to watch him use drugs on a daily basis and it hurts to watch him treat me as insignificant when I in fact let him become significant in my life. I kinda hate him right now. We ended that call with him saying he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, but he'd like to still be friends and to call him if I ever want to talk. I don't. I don't want to talk to him ever again. I know I'm not that lucky...small island, he still has shit in my house, etc. but I can hope.

In all of this though, I feel oddly empowered like I've finally taken a step away from being his doormat. I feel like I've taken a step away from something bad and toxic and I'm moving toward something better. I'm super sad and very hurt, but I have to feel this in order to get onto the good it seems. It's also easier to feel it now as opposed to later when I'm in deeper. We had a lot of fun times. I'm not regretting this time with him, but I am regretting letting him walk all over me and that we continued to enable each other in every way and I regret that Chloe may have caught whiff of it.

I've deleted all pictures of him off of my computer. I've deleted his phone number and all calls off of my phone. I'm moving forward without a drug addict, dead weight holding me down. It'll feel better in a few weeks when the pain is less because right now all I want to do is cry. I guess that it's a good thing that he didn't say he would try to clean up or that he has serious enough feelings for me to see where this could have gone because I would have wavered. The universe did me a solid on that one, now I need to do myself a solid and be strong.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

I'll Feel A Whole Lot Better When You're Gone

This has always been my breakup theme song. Yep, Jules has one. It's from High School and just as applicable today. I know it's a Byrd's song, but I love me some Tom Petty. Basically, I realized what a horrible addict Gavin is today and then I realized what a horrible addict I am...our drugs are different, but the addiction is the same.

He invited me to join him at the local sushi bar for a beer today and while I was there with Chloe and her friend, he called his dealer and ordered up. For real...I'm not making this shit up. I am so dating my father and it SUCKS. We had plans to hang out after the sushi bar and take the girls on a kayak. I told him if he didn't cancel that order, I had no intentions of hanging out with him. He didn't and I got up and left him sitting there. I called him and told him I was over it and I was done. I texted Miranda and Gwyn and told them what he'd done and they both agree wholeheartedly that he's a waste of space. WE DO NOT DO DRUGS AROUND MY KID...EVER. WTF???

He called after dinner and asked to come over. I told him it wasn't a good time. Russell and I were hanging out with his former bf on the porch and I told him I didn't want to see him. He begged, literally. I kept saying not tonight, no. The bf was leaving as I was having this convo with Gavin and I pretty much hung up on him to tell the bf good bye. As we're standing in the doorway talking, Gavin pulls up. I was cold. I told him I didn't want to be around him. I hate him like this.

I held this resolve for several hours while he was just here...just in my space. I finally came to bed and he spent almost an entire hour rubbing my back and then spent another full hour licking my pussy and trying to make up. He let me cum for the entire time and then left. He's addicted to drugs. I'm addicted to sex. (Incidentally, I also saw Owen today for a quickie and it was amazing as always...again, my addiction but so much less toxic for me than this thing with Gavin.)

While I'm addicted to the euphoria of sex, I've realized the Gavin thing is running a lot deeper for me than I thought. Either I am seriously fucked up in the head or I really am in love with him and this is going to be harder than I thought. I'm honestly hoping for the me being fucked up in the head option because I can fix that with some good psychotherapy. Sadly, I think it's both and I'm just in some seriously deep denial over my feelings, but nothing else explains why I'm letting him do this to me. Intellectually, I refuse to fall in love with an addict...emotionally, I may not have been listening to my intellect.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Making Up Isn't All That Hard To Do

Since my colossal breakdown on Monday night, which admittedly had much more to do with my issues than his, things have been back on in the Gavin department (much to the dismay of my roommates and apparently all of my friends and family). I maintained my refusal to see him Tuesday night and instead spent 2 hours sexting with Owen that night.

Wednesday we were chatting on the phone while I was at work and I asked him what he was doing later that night. His reply "Fucking you, I hope!". Gavin called on my way home and asked when I would be there. I told him I was almost home, but I wanted to spend some time with Chloe and Gwyn and that he could cum over later around 9pm. He did and after Gwyn and I finished watching another insane episode of Mad Men, I went into my room and bounced up and down on his hard cock for a good long fuck. When my legs were tired, he pulled me over to the bed and held my legs up and fucked me some more until he came. He stayed for a little bit watching the news and headed home.

I stayed home today. It was supposed to be a short day anyway, but I just wasn't feeling great. Chloe (who is sick as well)  and I watched some TV and hung out and then Gavin came over and we went to lunch and Costco. On the way, I was texting with Owen about needing to reschedule because his kids were coming over after school and at that point because I was with Gavin (which I edited). Gavin asked me who I was texting all the time and I told him it was none of his business, but that at that particular moment it was "the married guy". Over lunch, Gavin looked at me and said "I hope I don't develop a lot of feelings for you.". I laughed and said clearly he already has feelings for me and he agreed and followed that up with he thinks I'm going to break his heart. (This from a man who still has a gf he claims to love.)  I don't know if that was jealousy over my texting with Owen or as a result of our fight. I suspect it will end up being the opposite, but time will tell.

Anyway, back to the fun sex stuff...we started talking about how horny he was and how many people would be in my house when we got home. We were talking about places to have sex while we shopped and at the end of the store run, we both had to pee. I thought he was going to join me in the restroom, but it was super crowded. I suggested we stop on the way home and we pulled over along the pineapple fields and walked down into some higher bushes off the road. He pulled down his shorts and told me to bend over. I quickly did as he asked and he was giving it to me within seconds. It was one of those super hot quickies because 1. I had frozen items in the car. and 2. We were out in public in broad day light, down a private road. I came a few times and he pulled out and told me to suck him until he finished in my mouth.

He's definitely feeling the vibe here, so after we got back to my house he split. I was going to his house tonight to watch him work out and then have him work me out, but his partners bailed and he asked if he could come back over here instead. I said ok because I have to get up super early tomorrow and wasn't looking forward to the drive. He is being really sweet right now to make up for what an ass he was Monday.

After another crazy Mad Men episode with Gwyn and Russell telling me how everyone in the world hates Gavin but me, I went into my room to hang out with him. We sat and talked on my bed for a while and looked for some couples to play with. He started fingering me so hard and playing with my nipples that I was soaking him. I was pretty sure I was going to scream, but that wouldn't have gone over well. He's gotten really, really good at that with me. I don't know why it took so long, but he's figured out how to work me so well. He did that for what seemed like forever. I was finally finished and I sucked him for a while. I was laying in between his legs and he got up and got behind me and we had sheet soaking sex. He's also finally figured out that this is my most favorite position and he loves how wet I get for him. In this position, he's one of the few men that can hit my g spot and he rubbed his cock against it for soooooo long tonight. It was great!!

While he was getting dressed, he grinned at me and commented on how amazing the make up sex has been the last 2 days. It really has been some of the best, which makes it hard that I still want to hang out with him and everyone in existence seems to think he's a tool. He is sometimes, but he's totally satisfying me sexually right now and I'm still not ready to give that up.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Making Up for Lost Time

Miranda’s been a busy girl.  Date with McQueen Saturday night – kissing threshold breeched! 
New job Monday-Tuesday– zonked and overwhelmed by new info but loving every minute of the new job so far and not just because my boss is  going to get me an iPhone!  I want to give Sarge props here because Monday, aside from the girls and my family, he was the only guy in my life to wish me good luck that morning and tell me I was going to be great at my new job.  Awwww J
Tuesday night I also threw Motorcycle Man a bone and had dinner with him.  The 411 on Motorcycle Man – he’s a guy I dated off and on last summer. Very sweet and very redneck but he actually has a brain.  He’s lots of fun to talk to.  He’s mid 40s (45 I think), had a great body, and has a huge cock. One of the biggest I’ve seen.  He’s got both length and girth going on. 
Enough about that though, last spring/summer we dated off and on and he really liked me and wanted me to be his girlfriend.  Unfortunately for him, I just wasn’t in that place yet plus he lives like 45 minutes away and that’s just a lot to deal with.  We’d date for a few weeks then he’d get mad/jealous/possessive and cut out for a while only to come back.  He might be the original boomerang boy. 
So after randomly running into him at lunch on my last day at the old job, he started texting me/calling me a fair amount.  Why do guys keep girls’ numbers forever?  I mean once I’ve finally cut the ties I tend to delete people out of my phone.  I digress, so I agreed to meet him for dinner Tuesday night – as friends. I was very clear about that.
We had a great dinner. Motorcycle Man is always fun to be around and he’s a surprisingly good conversationalist.  He was campaigning hard though to get back on Team Miranda.  Telling me how he’d “grown up” and “matured.” Ha!  He also told me he had unfriended me on Facebook this spring because he got jealous seeing Coach post on my page. Too funny! 
Afterwards he walked me to my car and told me how glad he was to see me and that he thought us randomly running into each other was a good sign.  I did let him kiss me goodbye but it was just a pop kiss lol.  It’s kind of a weird situation because there’s chemistry there and we get along great and the sex was really good, but it’s so not a long term thing I can see. 
I do this really stupid, girly thing every time I date a guy. I try to imagine what it would be like to be married to them. To think of how things would be five years down the road. Not because I want to marry the people right off the bat but just to get a gauge on where I see our lives fitting together.  With Motorcycle Man, I just don’t see it.  I can see dating him for a while and having fun but I can’t ever imagine wanting to take it to the next level because at the end of the day, we just don’t fit into each other’s lives very well.  It’s a very strange situation to navigate
On to Wednesday, work and exhausted brain again.  Met some of the girls for wine night after work and had a blast before a spontaneously planned date with Sarge!  We just hung out at his house for a couple hours (and drank more wine lol) and I’m very pleased to report that:
  • Sarge is even better looking in person.
  • We had great, fun conversation.
  • Chemistry between us was hot and he took advantage of it and kissed the hell out of me.
  • I copped a feel and “little Sarge” is rather large and in charge. HA!
  • And last but not least, a mostly drunk Miranda managed to let things get a little physical but she maintained her new decorum and kept her pants (well dress) on!
We did talk quite a bit and he was not at all hesitant to breech the physical barrier.  We were sitting side by side on his couch and he would reach out and touch my arm or leg or whatever while we were talking.  One time he brushed my hair out of my face (hot move – boys file that one away and bust it out sometime).  And when the moment was right he moved right in and kissed me greatly! 
Between talking and kissing things did progress a little bit but no clothing was removed at any point!  I managed to actually not have sex – HA!  And he was testing his limits but he was a gentleman all in all. Though I will say it was mighty tempting to take things further and if he’d really tried to persuade me he probably could have.  But my resolve to not jump into bed with anyone before things get more serious is standing firm.  Let’s just hope I can keep it up!
Obviously today is working but tonight I’m going home and crashing. I’m wiped out between juggling Team Miranda and the new job!
PS After writing this I had to lol at all the kissing this week since just a few weeks ago I was dying to be kissed. Guess I'm making up for lost time.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Weak and Crazy

Things have taken a turn here, a sharp turn right into Crazytown. I allowed Gavin to take me there. Well, that's not entirely true. I hitchhiked there.

I've had a rough week. I've had a lot of Daddy issues this week. My brother and his wife had their baby last night and while I am over the moon happy for them, it was a really bittersweet day because it's the first really big thing I've missed. I'm going home in a few weeks, but there was no place on Earth I wanted to be more than in that hospital last night and I wasn't. I was 5000 miles away. Meanwhile, my Daddy was about 5 miles away and couldn't bother himself to go b/c he's an addict and he was tired. (Incidentally, when I talked to my brother today he still had not seen hide nor hair of him...very disappointing.)

I cried most of yesterday as a result of this. It started the night before when Russell mentioned how unlikely it is that my father will ever come back to Hawaii. He can't physically make it. I hate this and because I like to live in the land of denial, it smacked me in the face when he said it. He didn't mean to hurt my feelings or anything. He was just stating a fact to Chloe and b/c it's PMS week, I started bawling. So, last night I am again bawling (and I am NOT a crier) over the joy of the birth of my niece coupled with sadness over not being able to hold her and hug my brother in this moment. Gavin had no clue how to respond. He responded stupidly and Russell called him a "Dick". I'm pretty sure Russell is the only man on the entire island that can call Gavin this and get away with it. It royally pissed Gavin off, though Russell was spot on. Russell helped calm me down and even crawled onto my bed and held me while I cried. He got it. Gavin walked in and did not. He got insanely uncomfortable coupled with the whole Russell confrontation and despite me telling him I needed him to stay, he left. Yes when the going gets tough...

I was crazy pissed that he left. I mean crazy. I called him until he got home (he was on the bike and couldn't hear the phone) and I yelled and cursed him. I told him I was done and to come over today while I was gone and get his shit out of my house. He kept trying to make it seem ok that he had left because he was mad at Russell and whatnot, but I wasn't hearing it.

Today, I had practicum and I refused to answer his 6 phone calls and 3 voice mails, none of which included an apology. Gwyn told me via text that he was there picking up his stuff and that he told her I'd probably be over being pissed at him by tomorrow and would call and apologize. WTF do I have to apologize for????
On the 7th call, I answered. It was after class and I had worked through what I wanted to say. I asked him what he needed and when he said nothing, he just needed to talk to me. I asked why? I said that I would never leave anyone, especially someone I considered a friend and definitely not someone that I claimed to have feelings for, alone like he left me last night. He said he was sorry for the next 20 minutes and did so in a way that I actually believed to be as sincerely as he is capable of. I asked him what he values about our relationship and to his credit, none of it was sexual until the very end. It was a fairly long, well thought out list. I found it shocking for someone who functions at about a 10th grade level. He said he left out of respect to Russell (not entirely buying that load) and that he really didn't want me to end our relationship over that one mistake. (He's racking up mistakes these days, but fine.)

I forgave him, bitterly. He asked if he could call me later and then he asked if I wanted to come over and crawl into his bed. I assured him that I did not, but that he could call me at another time and date. I'm mad and I'm hurt but I also know that I'm transferring a lot of my Daddy shit onto him (because they are essentially the same person in a lot of ways...not in a creepy way) and because I put expectations on him to behave a certain way that he's obviously incapable of doing. Gavin is all about Gavin...period. I pointed out all of the times that I've listened to his bullshit and he honestly seemed to get it somewhat in the end. Will it alter his future behavior? Nope, but maybe it planted a small seed.

In other crazy news, I emailed Damien last night to fill him in on how horrible the Gavin situation had become and b/c I needed a kick in the ass about putting up with him. I got it. He called Russell last night looking for me, but Russell did not answer based on their bitter blood. He drove by the house today and asked Gwyn all about my whereabouts and then he emailed me back with his number when he couldn't find me any other way. I called him after practicum and I got the kick in the ass I needed, but he also told me that Gavin did the right thing by leaving and not fighting with Russell. Gavin has a short fuse and a nasty temper. I've never seen it, but I suspect it would have shown itself had he stayed. Then Damien went on and on about how horrible Gavin is, how much he regrets setting us up, etc. I should have let sleeping dogs lie on that one and I feel that in the end I will regret ever contacting him again, but I was in Crazytown and apparently felt the need to visit around and talk story.

Today also brought another blast from the past...Texas. He popped up to flirt heavily and such. He's so random. He was going to get married, but backed out. I'm pretty sure that's like the 3rd or 4th time he's done that. I haven't heard from him since March when he was in Hawaii and I missed seeing him because I had so much shit going on at the time.

Lastly, Owen texted me to tell me that he's on lock down tomorrow because the wife has a to-do list for him and is insisting on accompanying him to the said hardware store, which is usually his alibi. We're trying to arrange a late lunch hook up for Thursday, all dependent on if I can leave practicum as early as I hope she meant today! I need to see Owen and allow his magic dick to help put things back into perspective regarding Gavin. Again, he remains my litmus test and I'm never giving up Owen for Gavin...ever.

I'd like a one way ticket out of Crazytown, but I know I'll be back shortly since I'm ultimately giving him yet another pass.
-Embarrassingly Weak Jules