Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Weak and Crazy

Things have taken a turn here, a sharp turn right into Crazytown. I allowed Gavin to take me there. Well, that's not entirely true. I hitchhiked there.

I've had a rough week. I've had a lot of Daddy issues this week. My brother and his wife had their baby last night and while I am over the moon happy for them, it was a really bittersweet day because it's the first really big thing I've missed. I'm going home in a few weeks, but there was no place on Earth I wanted to be more than in that hospital last night and I wasn't. I was 5000 miles away. Meanwhile, my Daddy was about 5 miles away and couldn't bother himself to go b/c he's an addict and he was tired. (Incidentally, when I talked to my brother today he still had not seen hide nor hair of him...very disappointing.)

I cried most of yesterday as a result of this. It started the night before when Russell mentioned how unlikely it is that my father will ever come back to Hawaii. He can't physically make it. I hate this and because I like to live in the land of denial, it smacked me in the face when he said it. He didn't mean to hurt my feelings or anything. He was just stating a fact to Chloe and b/c it's PMS week, I started bawling. So, last night I am again bawling (and I am NOT a crier) over the joy of the birth of my niece coupled with sadness over not being able to hold her and hug my brother in this moment. Gavin had no clue how to respond. He responded stupidly and Russell called him a "Dick". I'm pretty sure Russell is the only man on the entire island that can call Gavin this and get away with it. It royally pissed Gavin off, though Russell was spot on. Russell helped calm me down and even crawled onto my bed and held me while I cried. He got it. Gavin walked in and did not. He got insanely uncomfortable coupled with the whole Russell confrontation and despite me telling him I needed him to stay, he left. Yes when the going gets tough...

I was crazy pissed that he left. I mean crazy. I called him until he got home (he was on the bike and couldn't hear the phone) and I yelled and cursed him. I told him I was done and to come over today while I was gone and get his shit out of my house. He kept trying to make it seem ok that he had left because he was mad at Russell and whatnot, but I wasn't hearing it.

Today, I had practicum and I refused to answer his 6 phone calls and 3 voice mails, none of which included an apology. Gwyn told me via text that he was there picking up his stuff and that he told her I'd probably be over being pissed at him by tomorrow and would call and apologize. WTF do I have to apologize for????
On the 7th call, I answered. It was after class and I had worked through what I wanted to say. I asked him what he needed and when he said nothing, he just needed to talk to me. I asked why? I said that I would never leave anyone, especially someone I considered a friend and definitely not someone that I claimed to have feelings for, alone like he left me last night. He said he was sorry for the next 20 minutes and did so in a way that I actually believed to be as sincerely as he is capable of. I asked him what he values about our relationship and to his credit, none of it was sexual until the very end. It was a fairly long, well thought out list. I found it shocking for someone who functions at about a 10th grade level. He said he left out of respect to Russell (not entirely buying that load) and that he really didn't want me to end our relationship over that one mistake. (He's racking up mistakes these days, but fine.)

I forgave him, bitterly. He asked if he could call me later and then he asked if I wanted to come over and crawl into his bed. I assured him that I did not, but that he could call me at another time and date. I'm mad and I'm hurt but I also know that I'm transferring a lot of my Daddy shit onto him (because they are essentially the same person in a lot of ways...not in a creepy way) and because I put expectations on him to behave a certain way that he's obviously incapable of doing. Gavin is all about Gavin...period. I pointed out all of the times that I've listened to his bullshit and he honestly seemed to get it somewhat in the end. Will it alter his future behavior? Nope, but maybe it planted a small seed.

In other crazy news, I emailed Damien last night to fill him in on how horrible the Gavin situation had become and b/c I needed a kick in the ass about putting up with him. I got it. He called Russell last night looking for me, but Russell did not answer based on their bitter blood. He drove by the house today and asked Gwyn all about my whereabouts and then he emailed me back with his number when he couldn't find me any other way. I called him after practicum and I got the kick in the ass I needed, but he also told me that Gavin did the right thing by leaving and not fighting with Russell. Gavin has a short fuse and a nasty temper. I've never seen it, but I suspect it would have shown itself had he stayed. Then Damien went on and on about how horrible Gavin is, how much he regrets setting us up, etc. I should have let sleeping dogs lie on that one and I feel that in the end I will regret ever contacting him again, but I was in Crazytown and apparently felt the need to visit around and talk story.

Today also brought another blast from the past...Texas. He popped up to flirt heavily and such. He's so random. He was going to get married, but backed out. I'm pretty sure that's like the 3rd or 4th time he's done that. I haven't heard from him since March when he was in Hawaii and I missed seeing him because I had so much shit going on at the time.

Lastly, Owen texted me to tell me that he's on lock down tomorrow because the wife has a to-do list for him and is insisting on accompanying him to the said hardware store, which is usually his alibi. We're trying to arrange a late lunch hook up for Thursday, all dependent on if I can leave practicum as early as I hope she meant today! I need to see Owen and allow his magic dick to help put things back into perspective regarding Gavin. Again, he remains my litmus test and I'm never giving up Owen for Gavin...ever.

I'd like a one way ticket out of Crazytown, but I know I'll be back shortly since I'm ultimately giving him yet another pass.
-Embarrassingly Weak Jules

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