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Sunday, October 23, 2011

The New Rules

Clearly and rightfully so, many of you are worried that I've lost my damn mind. I may have, but I have not done it without a great amount of thought and I'll be the first to tell you all that I'm not sure how it's going to go. He's willing to make some changes though, thus I'm willing to let him attempt it. I'm a social worker and I have to have some faith that people can change. That being said, I also have known and worked with and lived with many an addict in my life, so we'll see. The part about him not being willing to change for himself is the real stickler in this...because he's not there yet.

The New Rules
1. He will not be around Chloe at any time in a manner where her safety is in his control. He will not babysit for me and he will not be in control of any device (car, truck, kayak,surfboard, etc.) where he controls her safety.
2. There will be NO cocaine around me...period. It is not allowed in my house or in my presence.
3 I'm also over the porn addiction, but will tolerate it in small quantities. The banishment of the cocaine will go hand and hand with this one, since he really only tweaks on porn when he's fucked up.
4. I can tell when he's high, most of the time before he even opens his mouth. If he's high, I will leave where he is and/or throw him out of my house.

I know you are all skeptical, but it really is a new day. He knows I'm serious about this and he said he's willing to abide by the new rules. He's quit before and he's quit other things before as well that I found completely intolerable. I have some small amount of faith that he'll do this.

What I am struggling with is whether or not I want to take it back to just sex or force the issue on the dating thing too. Obviously I have feelings for him, but I'm not going to act on it until I see how he does with the new rules. I also don't want to get into the whole you have to leave your gf situation either, as that will either happen or not, but since I'm still living with Russell, it's not really even an issue at the present moment. Like I said in my last post, the kissing and intimacy thing is what I've wanted from him, but when I got it I felt myself shutting down inside. I have theories on this, but in the interest of not over analyzing everything, I'm going to shut up now and let this play out some when he gets back from CA. I just wanted to put some of your minds at ease that I will not allow things to go back to the status quo. That time is over.
-Jules

5 comments:

  1. OK I know I said yesterday via text I wasn't going to say anything else but I have to just say this sounds like your attempt to rationalize and control a situation of which you have no control over - the being the behavior of another adult. The only control you have in this situation is staying with him or walking away. And if you think this puts any of our minds as ease, you're crazier than Gavin.

    Back to shutting up now ;)

    Miranda

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  2. Ummm....yeah, what Miranda said :)

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  3. And one more thing lol and then that's really it. You cannot equate you and Russell with Gavin and his girlfriend. You and Russell are married in name only. Do you still have sex with him? Are you living with him in what is supposed to be a monogamous relationship? Do you have to sneak around or hide the fact that you have sex with other people?

    I know you have intimacy/commitment issues, but I think you felt your self shutting down during sex with him because whether or not you're ready to live it, your mind knows this is a destructive relationship that's only causing you harm. And it's trying to do what it can to protect you.

    Miranda

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  4. Point taken, but sadly like you and the Coach situation I'm not leaving it alone until I'm damn well ready. Trust me, if I could just walk away from it all I would. I know you are all trying to protect me from future heartache, but I have feelings for him that I can't just magically turn off. I can however take steps to eliminate the things I don't like in this situation and set new boundaries with regards to what I will and will not allow around me.
    -Jules

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  5. I understand you have to be ready to walk away I do. But I also know I wasn't ready to walk away from Coach. But I saw the train wreck coming and I finally put myself before him. I told you I saw myself 10 years down the road being in the same situation and facing my second divorce.

    Miranda

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