Friends are here to support you to keep you from making stupid, harmful choices. Thank you to Gwyn and Miranda (and quite a few others…Adam, Damien, my work husband, Russell, my bff, etc)! I’ve done an amazing amount of insightful thought the last few days. I’ve also relapsed some. Monday night I did not return his call acting like nothing had ever happened. Tuesday, I was not so strong.
Gavin called me Tuesday morning telling me that he was super sick and that he thought he had this really bad, almost lethal illness that he’d contracted once before that landed him in the hospital. Please note that I’ve since discovered he’s a total hypochondriac after subsequent phone calls resulted in him diagnosing himself with a kidney stone. I called him back a few times and didn’t get an answer, which did actually make me worry. Then I called him again from the airport before I left Maui to come home yesterday and he answered and said he’d just been sleeping all day but that he was still super sick. I felt badly and agreed to come see him after class and bring him some supplies. Relapse.
He called me back 15 minutes later as I was boarding and asked me how to make a Bloody Mary because he thought this would help him feel better. I told him and hung up and thought to myself “Are you fucking kidding me?” Upon landing, Miranda had gotten wind of my plans via Gwyn to go over there last night and they both convinced me what an epically stupid idea that was. I decided to call him and set some things straight.
I told him that 1st of all, if he’s able to drink he’s probably not sick enough that he needs my TLC. I told him that he was acting like nothing I’d said Saturday and Sunday had even happened and I just went off from there. I grilled him. I told him I wasn’t dealing with his addictions anymore. I told him that I have feelings for him that I’m not just sitting on anymore and laid it out. He told me that he’s been super bummed the last 2 days because he feels like he’s lost his bff and that’s probably why he’s sick. Are you kidding me??? No, I didn’t cause you to be sick, asshole. When he realized this convo wasn’t going the way he wanted, meaning he couldn’t manipulate me, he said he needed to go throw up.
He called me back at the end of class and I resumed grilling him. Relapse. I told him that I can’t just fuck him anymore and that I can’t deal with his addictions and that is just not what I want in my life. I acknowledged that I’d done it suddenly and I knew that was hard for him but his behavior on Saturday really left me no other choice. He didn’t seem to get that part at all, like doing cocaine around an 8 year old was ok. NOT OK!!!! I’m done now. He started begging to see me and I stood firm. I told him I was exhausted and I was going home to bed and that conversing with him was exhausting me further.
He called back about an hour later and begged again to come over. Relapse. He was horny and I told him he couldn’t come over and I really didn’t want to see him if he’s as sick as he claims in addition to you know, me not wanting to see him in general anymore! He said he was going into the grocery store and would call me when he got out seeing if I changed my mind. I didn’t, but I almost did. Relapse. He was seriously wearing me down. He’s manipulative and I will eventually give in to nagging in order to shut people up. I do it frequently. His reply, which summed up my whole deal, was that since I didn’t want to see him, he was going to X’s house. X is a junkie too. They always use together…always. X is also Owen’s bff, though Owen doesn’t use. Gavin called me back at almost 1am. Thankfully I slept through that call, but he was high (I’d bet money on it) and wanted to come over for sex.
I had a great, long talk with Gwyn today about why Gavin has been such a big part of my life. Basically we determined that I met him at the weakest point in my life. I met him last year just over a month after I’d told Russell I wanted a divorce. I was vulnerable and down and needed what Gavin had to offer. Now that Gwyn is here and has pointed out all of his shit, I finally see it. Previously, I didn’t really have anyone doing that for me. I’m very honest on here because I basically use this as a diary, but I can only be honest about what I “see”. I’ve seen aspects of it, but I just glossed over it mentally and kept on. Then I realized how bad his addictions are in the last few weeks and then I realized that I did in fact have very strong feelings for him and then I freaked because I realized how horrible this could be, but because I do like him it’s been extremely hard to break away. I quit crying Monday though. I am refusing to shed another tear on this subject. I’m also over analyzing it with regards to him. A lot of people have pointed out that I need to figure out what is wrong on my end with regards to why I let myself get here, but that I need to just give it up with regards to trying to “help” him or analyze what went wrong there b/c that’s all him, not me.
Then on the way to work, I called my Dad. I love my Dad. I had a great childhood with him, but he is no longer that man. He hasn’t been that man in years and years. He became an alcoholic after I left home. He didn’t start using cocaine until years after that. My mother has always been an addict (cocaine, alcohol, pot), but not my dad and he had custody of me growing up. Anyway, talking to him today really help reaffirm my decision to get out of this too because I see yet again what this drug does to people. I never, ever thought I would avoid talking to my dad, but I do it often now and have for years. It makes me sad that I spent a year and a half involved with someone just like him, but it does help me see that I know the end of this movie. I know how it ends and I don’t want to be a part of that. I don’t want that life for myself and definitely not for Chloe. I’m much stronger today.
In other news, Owen texted me last night to tell me that he’s sick (and thankfully didn’t blame it on me). I hope he’s well soon because his magic dick will help keep me off Gavin too. Hell even Gwyn suggested I see Owen today and you all know how she feels about sleeping with married men, but she sees him as a far better option than Gavin! He’s definitely a tool for screwing around on his wife, but as a cheater, I don’t judge that. Otherwise, I think he’s a really great man that I can have fun, hot sex with and not complicate it with feelings and such b/c that’s just not how our relationship is. That helps keep me strong too!
PS I will say that it's been a tough day. Gavin called and invited me to have a drink and talk. When I didn't reply, he called 4 times in a span of 20 minutes and then drove by my house and asked Russell when would I be home. This was followed by 2 phone calls after I was at home. I almost called him back out of habit, but I did resist, so not a total relapse!