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Monday, October 17, 2011

Reading the Signs In Hindsight


Do you ever step back from your situation and notice all the signs that were there? With regards to the Gavin situation, they have been everywhere lately. It started with me being let in on the murder plot brewing between my mother, Gwyn, and Russell on ways to kill him and get away with it. It’s also been evident in how often I’ve been angry, upset, etc with him lately. I’m thinking back and realizing how long it’s been coming and I just looked the other way. It has even manifested itself in my dreams. I dreamt last week that Owen and Gavin met at my Dad’s house. (Um yeah, that doesn’t take a psychologist to analyze.) Owen was getting into my car and Gavin pulled up. Owen looked at me with shock and asked how I knew him and then told me that his wife knew him and noted what an addict he is. I left with Owen and when I came back, Gavin was gone in the dream.
Additionally, every single person in my life (even Gavin’s friend, Damien) has told me how bad he is for me and how much more I deserve. No one has even remotely suggested that I keep trying. I settled for a long time because I thought he was right for right then and I keep telling myself that as long as I’m living with Russell, I can’t really date anyone.  I have to work really hard today to remind myself that I’m getting out of this because of his addictions. I have to work to stay mad about that so that I don’t get overly sad about his inability to clean up and love me the way I wanted/needed him to do. Addicts will never choose someone over their addictions. I know this from years and years of experience. One day I hope the lesson gets easier or better yet, I quit attracting people with addiction issues.
My work husband, who is also a therapist, has told me that Gavin is my drug. He is in many ways. I was addicted to the sex and the attention. He told me that every time I talk to him, it’s a relapse.  I have not talked to him since last night. I don’t plan on talking to him again for a while. I’ll eventually have to in order to coordinate him getting things out of my house, but not now. I need to heal some first and be strong enough to talk to him and resist him all at the same time when it happens. I’ll be ok in a little while.
As far as other things go, I’m fighting my MO of getting over him by finding another. He’s really fucked with my head and I need to figure some shit out before I jump into something else destructive. I’m going home today and closing my online accounts  (which I haven’t checked in eons anyway because I was so caught up in Gavin for the last few months) and I’m just going to be by myself for a little while. I’ll continue to see Owen because I can’t totally pull the plug on it all and I need a safe release for my sexual issues. If I don’t keep seeing Owen for now, I’ll totally end up back with Gavin. It’s called harm reduction. While Owen is still part of my own sexual addiction issues, it’s less harmful and far less toxic than Gavin.
-Jules

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