I was raised Catholic and if you sinned you simply went to Confession, confessed, and said your 10 Hail Mary's or whatever. Now I'm an atheist, but "Forgive me Father for I have sinned...". I caved.
Last night was in my mind a farewell fuck, but in his mind it was something else. He claimed it was the beginning of something different with us. He needed to see me and I allowed it. Today, I'm sure it wasn't an actual farewell fuck, but it does feel different. It feels like a 'be careful what you ask for moment'.
He walked into my house and grabbed hold of me. I reiterated that I wasn't fucking him, and told him that if he wanted to talk than we could do so. He laid on my bed and pointed out that he wasn't high and that he was taking baby steps toward what I wanted. I said baby steps weren't a enough and he could call me when he was ready to take giant steps. He replied that he really was trying and it was painfully obvious on his face that he is, though he's still not anywhere near where I need/want him to be.
Anyway, we went round and round and I fought off his advances for a long time. Things got aggressive, but remained playful on his end. He kept trying to lick my kitty and suck my tits and I would push him off me. He begged for sex and I refused. Then he kissed me...deeply and intimately. I asked why since we don't do this. He said because he wanted to and kept kissing me, softly and then seductively along my neck. The next thing I knew, he was slipping his dick into me and we were having very passionate sex with kissing the entire time until I flipped over. Yep, I got played. I only came twice, but it was an odd mixture of everything I've wanted from him and a huge detachment on my part (hence my need to flip over and stop the intimacy). I felt myself pulling away while he was kissing me, not physically but in a mental/emotional sense.
He finished and laid there with me until I told him he needed to leave because I had to go to sleep. He kissed me again on the way out and told me how much he had missed me. I missed him too, a lot but I also know that this isn't healthy. I want to be with him, but I want to be with the version of him that I know he can be...not the current version.
He called me today and said how amazing last night was and asked me if I felt the shift in our relationship. I said that I enjoyed last night, but I was interested to see how and if he keeps it up. He's going to CA today for a few days for work (and to see the gf which he conveniently left out of the convo). I'm remaining very detached when we talk and I'm curious to see how things go when he gets back. If he's willing to try, I'm willing to let him but on a different level. He's basically going to have to start over. For example, he will not be around Chloe again for a long time in a situation that I don't have total control over. Quite simply, I don't trust him. He's going to have to prove himself and I don't know that he can.
Let the tongue lashing begin...