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Saturday, October 22, 2011

Confessional

I was raised Catholic and if you sinned you simply went to Confession, confessed, and said your 10 Hail Mary's or whatever. Now I'm an atheist, but "Forgive me Father for I have sinned...". I caved.

Last night was in my mind a farewell fuck, but in his mind it was something else. He claimed it was the beginning of something different with us. He needed to see me and I allowed it. Today, I'm sure it wasn't an actual farewell fuck, but it does feel different. It feels like a 'be careful what you ask for moment'.

He walked into my house and grabbed hold of me. I reiterated that I wasn't fucking him, and told him that  if he wanted to talk than we could do so. He laid on my bed and pointed out that he wasn't high and that he was taking baby steps toward what I wanted. I said baby steps weren't a enough and he could call me when he was ready to take giant steps. He replied that he really was trying and it was painfully obvious on his face that he is, though he's still not anywhere near where I need/want him to be.

Anyway, we went round and round and I fought off his advances for a long time. Things got aggressive, but remained playful on his end. He kept trying to lick my kitty and suck my tits and I would push him off me. He begged for sex and I refused. Then he kissed me...deeply and intimately. I asked why since we don't do this. He said because he wanted to and kept kissing me, softly and then seductively along my neck. The next thing I knew, he was slipping his dick into me and we were having very passionate sex with kissing the entire time until I flipped over. Yep, I got played. I only came twice, but it was an odd mixture of everything I've wanted from him and a huge detachment on my part (hence my need to flip over and stop the intimacy). I felt myself pulling away while he was kissing me, not physically but in a mental/emotional sense.

He finished and laid there with me until I told him he needed to leave because I had to go to sleep. He kissed me again on the way out and told me how much he had missed me. I missed him too, a lot but I also know that this isn't healthy. I want to be with him, but I want to be with the version of him that I know he can be...not the current version.

He called me today and said how amazing last night was and asked me if I felt the shift in our relationship. I said that I enjoyed last night, but I was interested to see how and if he keeps it up. He's going to CA today for a few days for work (and to see the gf which he conveniently left out of the convo). I'm remaining very detached when we talk and I'm curious to see how things go when he gets back. If he's willing to try, I'm willing to let him but on a different level. He's basically going to have to start over. For example, he will not be around Chloe again for a long time in a situation that I don't have total control over. Quite simply, I don't trust him. He's going to have to prove himself and I don't know that he can.

Let the tongue lashing begin...
-Jules

3 comments:

  1. I told you no physical contact! No face to face talking if at all possible or he'd worm his way right back in which he did.

    Is he clean and sober? No. Did he break up with his gf? No. Is he any little bit different than he was this time last week. No.

    I want you to be happy and with someone who is healthy. Maybe Gavin can be the things you want one day. But he's not now. And you deserve more than to have to tolerate his "flaws."

    Believe me I understand being in love with someone and how hard it is to walk away from that. But that's what you need to do. Walk away. If he really loves you, he'll do the right things and yall can have a legit shot down the road. I know I'm optimistic and romantic and pretty much the opposite of you and Gwyn but you know that is true.

    Miranda

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  2. Jesus Mary and Joseph woman!!! What is wrong with you?!?!?

    I'll keep giving you the same advice...get away from Gavin, stay away from Gavin and don't go back to Gavin.

    It's like you want to get hurt or something good lord!!! EVERY SINGLE TIME you give him a chance to let you down, he does. And then you cry and you're sad and you beat yourself up and the cycle starts all over again.

    You deserve so much more than he will ever be able to offer you, sober and single or not. But you're not going to leave him alone until you truly believe that and for some reason, right now, you are acting like he's all you can get or he's everything you want. Let me assure you, HE IS NOT.

    You'll figure it out eventually, I just hope you don't totally lose yourself in the process.

    -Gwyn

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  3. First of all, I applaud you for being brave enough to 'fess up here publicly. You must have known when you wrote this post that you were going to catch some shit from people who care about you and want what's best for you. I will admit, I'm not close enough to this situation to judge what's best for you, but it does seem clear that you know you fucked up here. So, I'll hold off on saying anything harsh. I know it must be hard as hell, but maybe - if you can't quit Gavin "cold turkey" - then only meet him out in public somewhere if you really feel the need to talk to him or be around him. Maybe you can wean yourself off of him. At least until he truly gets his shit together. Think about this way: If you really care for him and want him to change, then maybe cutting him off and pushing him out of your life will motivate him to make those necessary changes. In other words, I think you would likely be doing him (and you) a big favor by holding strong and getting away from him for a while.

    Good luck, I know this is hard. I also know that you know what you need to do and I wish nothing more than for you to find the strength to do it.

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