Scared Straight? Almost...

It’s been a clusterfuck of OMG around here the past few days and just when you thought Jules’ life couldn’t get any more insane! After the marathon makeup sex with Gavin a week and a half ago, I was really sore. I felt like he’d scratched me and I had a few places that were hurting. We had super rough, crazy sex so I didn’t worry about it at all. Then, I had sex with Owen after that.

Owen sent me a text last week saying that he had bumps all over his cock and on his balls. He said it looked like a problem from shaving, but that he was freaking out a little about it because it itched. Then last night, he sends me a picture and tells me that it’s not healing.  Since I’m still a little sore I started freaking out, even though I don’t have the spots that he does.  Of course, we went right to it being herpes because I swear that’s exactly what it looked like. I was terrified that I’d gotten it from Gavin and given it to Owen, but then Owen texts me this morning to tell me that he’s going to the Dr. today and that his ex gf (the one before me) finally admitted to being with a guy before him that had herpes. She swears she’s never had an outbreak and gets tested regularly.  I did all kinds of Internet research and was literally a basket case.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to be a responsible adult and called Gavin last night to tell him the scoop. He called me this morning and left a hateful message about how last night was not a good time for me to call him and that he was working today, but that he would call me during lunch. Of course I called him and told him I found it amazingly rich how he blew my fucking phone up last week, but now that he’s in CA it’s not a good time for me to call. I told him again that I wasn’t calling to chit chat, but that I was worried we might all have herpes and suggested he go get a blood test. His reply “Alrighty then…”. I said that was all I had to say and hung up. If it had been 20 years ago, I would have slammed the receiver down as I said that with much satisfaction. It’s really unsatisfying to hang up on people now when you’re angry.

Back to Owen, he goes to the Dr. today and the Dr. pretty much assures him that it’s just a staph infection from shaving. She said if it was herpes he would have a lot of symptoms that he doesn’t have like a fever and painful burning beyond the itching. She did do a full STD panel just to be sure, but isn’t treating it for anything else. She gave him an antibiotic and Neosporin.  The results of his blood test for herpes will take 2-3 weeks. I have an appt. tomorrow afternoon myself, just to be sure, but I’m feeling pretty good right now after this news. I’m telling you guys, the picture he sent looked BAD!

I did the right thing and called Gavin back, despite not wanting to do so at all. I am so pissed at him over his whole reaction to this that I could strange him. Fortunately, it went to voice mail. I told him that I was giving him the courtesy of a follow up call that the Dr. thought Owen’s problem was just staph and that I’m going tomorrow to be tested as well, just in case. I told him I freaked out because I’d become sore after having sex with him that week and then when Owen sent me the picture last night, I lost it. I ended my message by telling him that I would not be calling back unless something showed up on my end and that I really had nothing further to say to him.

I spent a good deal of time yesterday reading old blog posts from last year when I met him (before any of this insanity started last night). Most of them say exactly the same things that I keep saying now, minus the feelings part. It’s almost verbatim, which surprises me that ya’ll still read it. The same shit on a smaller scale was going on then that’s going on now and your comments all warned me to walk away.  What was evident in reading it though was how intense our sexual attraction is/was to one another. It was almost like we couldn’t fight it off. I feel like such an idiot for falling for him though. I feel like an even bigger idiot for having sex with him again last week and even thinking that he could/would change.  I really do know that he’s not the one (not even the one for right now) and I desperately want out of this with him. I hope this escapade does it on both of our ends. I need him to be angry back and to leave me alone when he returns. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve realized I’m miserable with the whole situation. I wanted him to be that guy, but he’s not which makes me really sad.  I’m sad when I’m around him hence the shut down over the intimacy and I’m sad when I’m not (though far less so right now that I’m feeling homicidal towards him)…WTF? I think I’d like to just crawl into a hole now, please. I seriously need some peace and tranquility. 

Incidentally, I feel like a total whore for screwing around on Owen because of how he handled this situation, assumed complete responsibility, and was so open and upfront. I suck. It could have ended very differently and if I had contracted something as horrible as what we thought, I would have been responsible for fucking up his life in a big way. 

-Jules