Sunday, October 16, 2011

I'll Feel A Whole Lot Better When You're Gone

This has always been my breakup theme song. Yep, Jules has one. It's from High School and just as applicable today. I know it's a Byrd's song, but I love me some Tom Petty. Basically, I realized what a horrible addict Gavin is today and then I realized what a horrible addict I am...our drugs are different, but the addiction is the same.

He invited me to join him at the local sushi bar for a beer today and while I was there with Chloe and her friend, he called his dealer and ordered up. For real...I'm not making this shit up. I am so dating my father and it SUCKS. We had plans to hang out after the sushi bar and take the girls on a kayak. I told him if he didn't cancel that order, I had no intentions of hanging out with him. He didn't and I got up and left him sitting there. I called him and told him I was over it and I was done. I texted Miranda and Gwyn and told them what he'd done and they both agree wholeheartedly that he's a waste of space. WE DO NOT DO DRUGS AROUND MY KID...EVER. WTF???

He called after dinner and asked to come over. I told him it wasn't a good time. Russell and I were hanging out with his former bf on the porch and I told him I didn't want to see him. He begged, literally. I kept saying not tonight, no. The bf was leaving as I was having this convo with Gavin and I pretty much hung up on him to tell the bf good bye. As we're standing in the doorway talking, Gavin pulls up. I was cold. I told him I didn't want to be around him. I hate him like this.

I held this resolve for several hours while he was just here...just in my space. I finally came to bed and he spent almost an entire hour rubbing my back and then spent another full hour licking my pussy and trying to make up. He let me cum for the entire time and then left. He's addicted to drugs. I'm addicted to sex. (Incidentally, I also saw Owen today for a quickie and it was amazing as always...again, my addiction but so much less toxic for me than this thing with Gavin.)

While I'm addicted to the euphoria of sex, I've realized the Gavin thing is running a lot deeper for me than I thought. Either I am seriously fucked up in the head or I really am in love with him and this is going to be harder than I thought. I'm honestly hoping for the me being fucked up in the head option because I can fix that with some good psychotherapy. Sadly, I think it's both and I'm just in some seriously deep denial over my feelings, but nothing else explains why I'm letting him do this to me. Intellectually, I refuse to fall in love with an addict...emotionally, I may not have been listening to my intellect.

1 comment:

  1. Jules the day this summer I met your Dad for the first time as an adult, I finally got why you like Gavin. He is you dad thru and thru. That being said, you have got to cut him from your life. You can't let him come to your house, have sex with you, be around you, etc. The only way to do it is to cut him out entirely. And he'll beg and plead and do everything he can to convince you otherwise. YOU HAVE TO HAVE SOME BOUNDARIES! Coach still tries to get back with me. The only thing that holds me firm is being brutally honest about the bad things about him and maintaining a physical distance from him. Please please please please cut the ties. He's going to take you down a path you don't want to go.