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Monday, October 17, 2011

Hurt, Sadness, and Empowerment

I ended it today. I did it in a chickenshit way as my Daddy would say, but I did it. Gavin called me repeatedly today to hang out and I ignored his calls. Finally, I called him back and I told him that I have serious feelings for him and either I need to start actually dating him and I'm not dating an addict so he needs to get it together or I need to be done. He went into this thing about still having a gf and such and I told him that I was just done.He threw up Owen and all too. How can I have feelings for him like that when I'm seeing someone else as well? I just let it go and stood my ground.  Then, I sat on the beach and cried for an hour and a half, drove home, took a bath and cried some more, and pulled it together long enough to get through dinner.

He had called again while I was eating and asked what my ulterior motives are for this. He thinks I'm going to Maui this week with Owen instead of going for work like I really am. He thinks today I was doing something else instead of hiking with my family. I think it's easier for him to just think whatever and be done too and not look at himself as the reason. He can't seem to understand why I want to "end our fun deal". He can't seem to get that since I have feelings for him, it's not fun for me anymore. It hurts. It hurts to watch him use drugs on a daily basis and it hurts to watch him treat me as insignificant when I in fact let him become significant in my life. I kinda hate him right now. We ended that call with him saying he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, but he'd like to still be friends and to call him if I ever want to talk. I don't. I don't want to talk to him ever again. I know I'm not that lucky...small island, he still has shit in my house, etc. but I can hope.

In all of this though, I feel oddly empowered like I've finally taken a step away from being his doormat. I feel like I've taken a step away from something bad and toxic and I'm moving toward something better. I'm super sad and very hurt, but I have to feel this in order to get onto the good it seems. It's also easier to feel it now as opposed to later when I'm in deeper. We had a lot of fun times. I'm not regretting this time with him, but I am regretting letting him walk all over me and that we continued to enable each other in every way and I regret that Chloe may have caught whiff of it.

I've deleted all pictures of him off of my computer. I've deleted his phone number and all calls off of my phone. I'm moving forward without a drug addict, dead weight holding me down. It'll feel better in a few weeks when the pain is less because right now all I want to do is cry. I guess that it's a good thing that he didn't say he would try to clean up or that he has serious enough feelings for me to see where this could have gone because I would have wavered. The universe did me a solid on that one, now I need to do myself a solid and be strong.
-Jules

4 comments:

  1. I'm proud of you! Just hang in there and focus on getting through each day. It gets easier with time but you'll have to stay strong. He'll give you some space and then try to come back over and over and suck you in until he finally starts to realize it's permanent. It's taken Coach this long to even start to grasp that so I'm sure it will take Gavin a while.

    Miranda

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  2. I feel for you but I'm really glad that you had the strength to go ahead and do this. Stay strong and don't let him worm his way back into your life. I'm sorry you're in pain right now but you know that it's best for you (and thus best for Chloe, too) in the long run. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now, but just know that you have lots of people out here pulling for you and supporting you. Hang in there...

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  3. I commend you for taking a step that feels right and necessary but is very painful. You were brave enough to do that and now you'll be brave enough to adjust to such a big change in your life. Take care of yourself!

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  4. I'm slowly catching up on your blog and I had no idea it would come to this. I know that ending things with Gavin is what's best for you but I know it must have been very tough to do. I'm about 2 weeks behind on your blog, so I hope things are a little better now. You have my email and I'm always here if you need to talk!

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