He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

I think I have a crush on Clark. I mean I can tell you guys 85 reasons why we won’t work out, but I can’t help the fact that I’m sitting in my office thinking about kissing him last night. I’m not even as focused on the hot beach sex under the full moon (with no audience this time as we skinny dipped in the ocean).  He was late last night meeting me because of work. I was so tired and all I wanted to do was be in my bed because I knew that I would only end up with about 4 hours of sleep last night the day before work and my first Masters class. I’d only had about 5 hours the night before due to texting with him all night. I knew better than to go out, but I went anyway. It was very worth it, though I may feel differently by the time I get home to post this.

So let me start with the main reasons (not 85 I promise) that I’m skeptical…

1. He does technically still have a gf. He did tell me last night that she’s back on PoF and he’s hoping she finds someone quickly and moves!
2. He lives an hour away, which is close to his job, but far from me (and my life) and I doubt he’ll move closer.
3. He’s 25.
4. I have a kid and can’t just be at his beck and call like most of the women he’s been with. Ultimately I think my lack of ability to just move in with him and melt into his life will be a source of contention.
5.  I’ll always worry that he’s going to try to find a younger version. I’ve actually addressed this one with him and he assures me that he likes older women and he especially likes me. I contend that this is fine now that he’s 25 and I’m 34, but what about when I’m 44 or 54? (OMG I just realized I’m future thinking with him…wtf?) We have addressed that it would not be a monogamous relationship, so it’s the ideal version for me but again I worry about this portion.

This kid has clearly sent me into a tailspin. Last night during the midst of our early, early morning rendezvous, he said “I’m so in love with you right now”. I didn’t respond because I honestly think he meant it as he was so in love with the fact that we were there in that moment. He didn’t say it again as we left each other, probably because of my lack of response the first time or because I’m right about how he meant it. I just can’t lightly say it though. I definitely like him (a lot), but I’m not in love with him yet. I am however fixated on how amazing kissing him in the car was before I left to go home. It was one of those kisses where you just feel it all over your entire body. I swear if it hadn’t been almost 2am, I’d have ripped his clothes off for more. So, it’s official…I’ve turned into a stupid girl all over a 25 year old.  I am failing miserably at keeping my emotions out of the sexual with him right now.  I’ll chalk it up to my sheer level of exhaustion and my inability to even think straight at the moment.

In other boy news, I have not heard a peep from Gavin since Sunday afternoon when I left him. He did pass me jogging to Chloe’s school yesterday to pick her up and waved. He didn’t bring me the stuff for work that I needed, but I had a back- up plan so it was ok. I know he’s super busy working all week and trying to find a new place to live. I think he’s freaked out. Since he came back so hot and heavy at the beginning of the month, I think he has no idea what he wants between me and his gf and this weekend just broke his brain a little. I know that I like the FWB thing with him, but I honestly don’t see him and I going anywhere serious. He’s one of those guys that it would be easy to just fall in with and become complacent, but I don’t think I’d ever be truly happy with him if that makes sense. He’s just a “good time guy” as my grandma calls them.

-Jules